Name: Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg #5
Uploaded: 2021-12-24T22:12:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg #5' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg #5' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-24. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald Stand Up Bootleg #5

This is what happened, I'm right here.
I'm trying to get everything figured out.
I'm centering myself.
So, I come to Portland, right?
Now, the driver picks me up, okay, from the airport.
He's driving me to the hotel, and he says, "Now listen, this didn't happen this
trip."
I come to Portland to understand, and this happened two trips ago.
I'm probably sure this happened this trip.
Then I'd feel somebody would go, "Hey, wait a second."
I was here two trips ago.
So, but it was the only funny thing they were having to be here.
I'm going to have to do it again.
I'll tell you that in a second, right?
But it has to do with this.
This is what the driver said.
I've noticed this time in Portland more than two trips ago.
I've noticed that there would be a store, right?
A place of business.
And on the door it says, "We welcome everyone."
You know?
Black people, white people, trans, gay people.
It doesn't matter.
We welcome your business.
Which I thought is sort of courageous, you know, here in 1954.
You might as well say, "We observe the law."
If you'd like to, you know, it was our choice, you know.
And then if you have nothing on your door when people are like this, racist.
There's a lot of people in.
And look at the door.
And the guy's getting fucking a page.
He's like, alright, alright, alright.
But this is what happened two times ago when I was in Portland when I came.
And it's sort of the same kind of theme.
Because the driver picks me up, right?
And he's driving me to the hotel.
And he says, he goes, "I'll tell you something about Portland.
There's no racism."
And I was like, and now I just quote, "Racism.
It exists.
It's universal, right?
It's everywhere."
"Oh, no, not in Portland."
I'm like, alright, whatever.
He's like, "No racism."
Now, I'm driving to the airport.
I'm looking out of the windows of the car.
And I see no black people.
So I happen to say to the driver because he's being so, you know.
And I go, you know, he was talking about how nobody's racist.
But, you know, it's not that hard to not be racist.
There's no black people in the entire city.
There's no single black person.
And then the guy says to me, he says, "We got our share."
And I don't know, I don't know what it is driving a car for a living.
But he thinks you're racist or you are -- every cabbie I've ever had, racist.
Because I used to live way far away from where I would go, you know.
And it's called the suburbs, you know.
And that's where my parents were.
So when I was a kid, I would always party.
And then I'd have to get home.
And I'd have to go through all this wilderness to get to my parents' place.
And so I'd have to take a cab and every time the cabbie was a racist.
And I'd be like 20 miles of the guy's racism, you know.
And then, you know, you'd go, "What do I do?"
Like, you probably -- you should tell the guy, "Look, you're wrong."
But I don't know, I just want to get home.
I'm half drunk.
I don't want to be on crossfire with this guy.
Just to get home.
So I agree with whatever he says, which is not good.
Because that makes it more racist.
Like, I guess everybody thinks the same thing.
But I just want to get home.
I don't say anything, but I just agree.
Which isn't bad, I guess.
But at the end of the drive, I'm like, "Yes, you have the right idea.
Please, don't hurt me."
What about when the guys with races?
You don't even know what race it is?
Like, you know what's that?
There's a car.
There's a car.
The guy says, "You know what the trouble of this country is?"
Oh, my God.
Is it some people?
Or something?
And the guy was just guessing.
He goes, "Yeah, it's some people."
But people isn't anyway.
Because it's the goddamn brindle heads.
They don't have maps or anything, you know?
And I remember, I looked it up that night.
Brindle.
And they couldn't even make any...
There was no such thing.
So I've always wondered...
Because maybe it was right.
Maybe that is the problem.
You know the guys when they act like they're not racist?
Like, so much so, that it's a little suspicious.
You know, like...
You ever hear those guys?
They're like, "I don't care if a guy's black or white or yellow or green."
And you're like, "Green?"
You don't care if a guy's green?
There's such a thing...
There's such a thing as being too progressive.
You know what I mean?
I mean, green is where I cry.
Shoot on sight.
You see something like that.
Clearly a person.
You know what I mean?
You shoot him or he dematerializes you.
Your gun has a bullet, his gun dematerializes you.
Dematerialization would be a cool way...
That'd be a good way to die.
If they could just dematerialize you instantly.
You know what I mean?
But it's hard to do.
Because I'll try to think of death penalty.
What the best death penalty would be.
Because death penalty is...
You guys don't have the death penalty here in Oregon.
You don't have the California.
I don't like the death penalty.
I'm against the death penalty.
Because I feel...
I don't know.
I feel...
You know...
I don't like...
I just...
It doesn't really matter what I feel.
But...
I do notice this.
Sometimes the death penalty...
You think...
It never seems to match the crime.
You know what I mean?
Like sometimes it does.
The guy kills the president.
That guy should be killed.
You know...
He killed the...
President Kennedy.
You know...
That war...
He blew up.
I think he should be killed.
But...
Most of the time...
He's definitely...
Such a small...
You know...
They took lives.
But for such pointless...
Fucking...
They weren't thinking.
You know...
It's always like...
A guy goes like...
He's driving down the street.
And then he stops at a...
Filling station.
And he...
Shoots two people.
Execution style.
And then...
He steals...
You know...
35 dollars for the till.
And...
A jar of cashew nuts.
Or something.
You know...
Japanese TV.
And then he's driving there.
In the car.
And he's all happy.
He's like...
Aha!
Head!
I'm gonna head it!
For the first time ever!
Pull into this bar.
And brag about it to everybody.
So they always get cut.
Otherwise...
They never get cut.
Ever they...
Have to brag it to everybody.
So...
Then they go to...
They get the death penalty.
And...
That's tough.
You know?
Imagine if you're charged.
And they go out there.
You're guilty.
Everybody knows you're guilty.
You know?
There's no...
Then it's time for the penalty phase.
And the judge has to decide what you get.
Life?
Or death?
Or death?
Or death?
The opposites.
The opposites.
Polar opposites.
Direct opposites.
I don't like saying polar.
I shouldn't stop saying that again.
I don't know why.
But I was thinking about one day.
Polar opposites, right?
And then you go, "Wait a minute.
The North Pole and the South Pole?
They're pretty fucking similar."
That was exactly alike, though.
But the...
Life worked out.
So the first guy's over for life.
It's like, "Geez, I'll let you get some life."
You know?
And...
What about those guys?
That's not good.
But the...
Life worked out.
So the first guy's over for life.
It's like, "Geez, I'll let you get some life."
You know?
And...
What about those guys?
You get 35 straight life sentences for 10,000...
That doesn't seem fair.
Crutch.
You get your...
You get the...
Gap sentence.
You get the...
Gap sentence.
You get the...
Gap sentence.
You get the...
Gap sentence.
You get the...
Gap sentence.
You get the...
Gap sentence.
You get the...
Gap sentence.
Gap sentence.
Gap sentence.
And...
I like when they give you the free meal.
You know?
You get anything you want.
That's how you can tell.
They're a little plagued.
They're a little about the ambiguity of the death sentence.
That the judge has to have this, like, try to...
Oh!
Listen, Edgar James Buchanan.
Listen.
Here's the deal.
I guess the bad news...
Good news and bad news.
Here's the bad news.
It turns out we're going to kill you.
So get it.
You may as well just get drugs in.
Here's the good news.
Do you like...
Do you like steak?
Do you like a steak?
Do you like a steak?
Do you like a rib-eye steak?
Because there's this restaurant down by the death house.
My God.
The rib-eye steak there.
It's amazing.
I bring my wife...
Do you like a rib-eye steak?
Because there's this restaurant down by the death house.
My God.
The rib-eye steak there.
It's amazing.
I bring my wife...
Remember my wife's mother's birthday?
We take her down to...
It's called Death House Steak.
She loves it.
Every time it's her birthday, we take her down there.
She loves the...
She always tells me that she loves the cheesecake.
She says that the cheesecake is to...
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
So go away.
Go away.
And then the guy goes away.
There he goes away.
There he goes.
There he goes.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
It's a good cheesecake.
So go away.
Go away.
And then the guy goes away.
And there he lives in a little place.
He gets to wear his free world clothes.
But he lives in a little room.
Very small.
And it's just him and nothing else.
Just him.
And his regrets.
Which I guess is like all of us.
You know what else we get?
But this is more condensed.
You know what I mean?
This is more like...
You know, basically it's just the guy going,
God damn.
I don't even like cashews that much.
What was I thinking?
There's a little rash.
I have to admit.
Now that I look back on that nice $3.5.
Does that go that far?
I have to look, kept, and learn.
Then you have your last day.
And then all your relatives come to visit you in your little, you know, little
room.
And that's not fun.
You know.
You think Thanksgiving's not a lot of fun.
Imagine your fucking family all in your little death hat, you know.
And they're like, oh boy, you again?
Oh yeah.
My uncle.
Yeah.
What's going on with you?
He's like, well, the kids are taking piano lessons.
I don't give a fuck about them.
They only talk about me tonight.
They're killing me tomorrow.
In a hot chair.
That's what I was trying to get to.
Because when they came out.
It was a hot chair.
Because they should have just dematerialized the guy.
So there's a lot of different ways that they use.
But one that was the most popular for a long time and still is around.
The hot chair.
The electric hot chair.
Now, who the fuck got this out?
I mean.
That's the thing I've got.
Look, man.
This guy's a human garbage.
The way he killed all those people.
You know, he's got to die.
You know.
He has to extinguish his life.
But how?
Anybody got any ideas?
Yes, Fred.
What about a hot chair?
Okay, listen.
Hey.
Are you talking about a chair that's hot?
Like after your uncle gets up and he gets in that?
It's kind of like that's hot.
It's not hotter than that.
I don't get you, Fred.
Hotter, I'm saying.
It's so hot.
It plugs into the wall and then it gets hot, the chair.
And then you're sitting in it.
You start getting hot.
But very, very hot.
So hot that your inner starts boiling and everything.
And like your viscera begins to liquefy.
You know, 20 minutes later, we're going to see it bubbling out of your head and
your brain.
And I'm looking at this all.
Excellent, Fred.
Well, we can stop now.
We don't need any more.
If only people were more like Fred.
With his ideas.
Maybe we can get.
So then you've got to walk a mile with a sad-faced pastor.
You don't want a sad-faced pastor.
What do you give him a four or something?
He's got a hard criminal.
What does he want with a sad-faced pastor?
Then he has to walk a mile.
I don't know why that's there.
You know?
And he's like, ah, you know.
A mile's a long way for a hard criminal.
And he's got, you know, a leg.
And he's like, ah, how much longer?
Three quarters of a mile, huh?
He walks and walks and walks.
Fine, you get there.
And then there's a hot chair.
He's like, ah!
There's a hot chair.
And then there's a red phone.
That's his last hope, is the red phone.
Because the red phone is co