Name: norm stand up bootleg # 9
Uploaded: 2022-01-06T18:29:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm stand up bootleg # 9' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm stand up bootleg # 9' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

norm stand up bootleg # 9

"You're alright, you're alright, you're alright, you're alright."
"Listen guys, I'm sorry, there's only a couple of things you have to know as a
stand-up that one of us is having to do this."
"But I never really mastered the firing points, but listen, I do know this, you
gotta tell jokes and stuff."
"Like Steve, right, as Tom Jones, like Steve was funny, right?"
"Three people like him. Hey man, we're living in a crazy world, I'm not even
trying to kid you."
"The world's greatest athlete is a lady."
"I don't know how that happens."
"But I'm from Canada, and I was just a boy when I saw Bruce Jenner win with the
gold medal, and he was like rugged."
"You know, greatest athlete in the world."
"Now, apparently at that point he knew that he was a lady."
"He didn't tell anybody."
"Well, you'd think that would be the perfect time."
"It's probably the only way when you go to a medal and go, 'Hey, guess what, I'm
a lady."
"What?"
"The world's greatest athlete is a lady."
"And then, in Germanism, that would really help."
"But, if you're a 65 year old man, he's a 65 year old man, and he changed, and
really, is there any difference between a 65 year old man and a 65 year old man?"
"You know what I mean?"
"I don't know what I mean."
"I would pretend."
"I don't know what I'm just going to breathe with this."
"I don't know what I'm just going to breathe with this."
"You know, you just have to say the guy's word for it."
"There's no, like, blood test and shit."
"You know what I mean?"
"Like, they're, I would pretend, if the, if the, I can't think of a, well, I
actually do think of one situation where I would tell them, 'Hey, man, I'm a
lady.'
"That's been my whole life."
"Because you can say that, and people can't get mad at you."
"They can't call you a liar, you dig it."
"You dig it?"
"You have to be a lady in your house."
"You know, I was a lady?"
"I was a little boy."
"I tell my dad, I say, 'I'm a lady.'"
"No, you've got a cock."
"I go, 'No, you've got a point.'"
"I go, 'No, you've got a point.'"
"I said, 'I didn't have to worry about who those days.'"
"We got out of the cock."
"But you know, this is the one that I would say I was a lady."
"If I was, if they ever find out, everyone has secrets, right?"
"My secret is, I once committed manslaughter."
"I never told anybody?"
"I slaughtered a man."
"You know, things escalated."
"It started off as a fist fight, you know?"
"And at the end of the night, I was like, 'My God, I believe I slaughtered a
man."
"I may be guilty of manslaughter."
"But anyways, if that should ever come to life."
"Like somebody on, like, Campbell Burris, you know?"
"I've never said that."
"I've never said that."
"I've never said that."
"I've never said that."
"I've never said that."
"I've never said that."
"I've never said that."
"I've never said that."
"But let's say I go to a trial, right?"
"All right, you slaughtered that man."
"You're gonna go to jail."
"Then I can go, 'Hey, one thing before I go."
"I'm a lady, right?"
"I'm a lady."
"And, uh, so I'm going to that ladies prison."
"And then I have a grand old time."
"Very, very popular."
"I don't know, you get that old, you know, 65."
"I'm 50 and my cock barely works."
"65?"
"It works."
"It's just like..."
"It doesn't work like we're at it, it's like shit."
"It's like ahhh!"
"You know."
"It's an hour later, I'm like, 'All right.'"
"And she's like, 'What, that is?'"
"It's inflated a little bit."
"My clothes."
"At some point, I believe, uh, you should just retire from sexual intercourse."
"You know?"
"Cause you know what it is?"
"You ever do it as, like, bendy?"
"You see?"
"You're cramming."
"You're cramming it."
"At that point, I believe you should, I don't know, take up bowling or
something."
"I don't know why you just can't retire."
"Cause you're a retire from other stuff."
"They go, 'God damn it, I ain't working for Abernathy no more, but I'm quitting."
"And I'm gonna go, with me and Daphne, we always wanted to go to, uh, Florida,
and lay up in Hamline."
"And, uh, and people go, 'You got a damn right friend, you deserve it.'"
"And then, or like, I played rec-league hockey up until about two years ago,
and I was like, 'God damn, man, these kids are hurting me, you know?"
"And my arms, I can't skate, I'd skate, hit hard, I'm just gonna hang up the tachyberries,
you know?"
"And people, people, they go, 'I understand, but with sex, for some reason, I
don't know why."
"You know, you hear people go, 'Oh man, you know, my, uh, grandparents are
amazing, uh, 85 years old, and, uh, 85 years old, they're each 85, and they
still have a wonderful sex life.'
"Oh my God, that's what I'm saying."
"I don't even want to think about it that much."
"I don't want to beat them, you know?"
"Doing that, does that happen?"
"85."
"Like, like, like, I'm 50, it's hard enough."
"Imagine you, 85, trying to maintain an erection."
"Yeah, at first you have to get one."
"Maintain it."
"And, uh, I'll tell you what does not help you, if you're an 85-year-old man,
what doesn't help you maintain an erection, is an 85-year-old man."
"I'm wondering, you know, there's gonna be something wrong with you."
"I'm having sex for nothing."
"I think people are going to get an ash on you."
"It's like, you know, when people are going, 'I had sex with your father last
night,' and I'm like, 'Jesus, that's my son.'
"I don't really understand the insult, though, but she's sexually active for 20
years."
"I think they did her a very good thing."
"Oh, yeah, so, anyways, I'm pretty well retired. I haven't made it official."
"I don't have anything."
"Maybe on Monday, I'll have a press conference and go, 'I'm retiring, and I'd
like to thank those eight ladies that let me lie down on my father."
"It wasn't nice of them."
"I'm reaching."
"I don't really feel like I cared for you."
"Alice, I'd like to touch more than you."
"Do you tell, like, you know, when they're pretending?"
"Do you know how sometimes, like, if you have a second lady, the phone rings,
the lady can answer the phone while you're having sex."
"This lady answers the phone until the kid goes."
"It's like, 'Oh, hi, Marjorie!'
"What?"
"Well, you're not going to get the sweater back, you know."
"You know, Irene."
"No, don't cry, it's because you're a good person, but you gotta just..."
"You're like, 'Ah, I don't know.'
"You're multi-tasked."
"It's not that, like, a guy couldn't answer the phone, 'cause he'd be like, 'cause
the guy's going to be like, 'Ahhh!'
"And then the phone rings, 'Ah, what the hell?'
"Yeah, Frank, sure, I remember that shirt. Why is it?"
"I don't know, I don't know, Barry, I don't know, I gotta go, 'Ahhh!'"
"I'm sorry for that."
"I'm snorted and asked, and I'm spilling it."
"I love my Coca-Cola."
"That's why they never drink it."
"Sometimes, you know, they don't got Coca-Cola in place, they go, 'You're off,
have seen it!'"
"Because they figure, I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"People figure if Coke is your favorite drink, because that's my favorite drink,
because that's my favorite drink."
"Then they think, 'Pepsi, maybe you'll get a Pepsi, maybe you'll get a Pepsi,
maybe you'll get a Pepsi."
"Because they figure, I don't know what it is, but..."
"But people figure if Coke is your favorite drink, because that's my favorite
drink, then they think Pepsi may be your second favorite, but it's not."
"I don't know what it is.
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"But people figure if Coke is your favorite drink, because that's my favorite
drink, then they think Pepsi may be your second favorite, but it's not."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"I don't know what it is, but..."
"If Coke is your favorite drink, because that's my favorite drink, then they
think Pepsi may be your second favorite, but it's not."
"That's your least favorite drink."
"And then Pepsi, I don't know how they say it, but..."
"And then if they have Pepsi, they go, 'I don't want no Pepsi, I don't drink
booze.'"
"And I go, 'I don't want no Pepsi, and I don't want no other soda pop.'"
"And then they've got beered ones, they're like, 'You go, 'Yeah, we got root
beer, root beer.'"
"And I'm like, 'I don't know, I'm about eight."
"I'm like, 'Oh, God, I was gonna suggest that myself, you know, I didn't dare
ask.'
"You know, we got Sierra Mist."
"I'm like, 'Oh, God, I was gonna suggest that myself, you know, I didn't dare
ask."
"You know, we got Sierra Mist."
"I'm like, 'Oh, God, I was gonna suggest that myself, you know, I didn't dare
ask.'
"You know, you know, you know, I didn't dare ask."
"You know, you know, I didn't dare ask."
"You know, you know, I didn't dare ask."
"You know, I didn't dare ask."
"You know, I don't know, but..."
"You know."
"Well, is anybody, anybody in the plant that's their favorite beverage?"
"I've never met anybody."
"I've never met anybody."
"I've never met anybody."
"I've never met anybody."
"I've never met anybody."
"I've never met anybody."
"I've never met anybody."
"I've never met anybody."
"Can I have a Sierra Mist to go this way?"
"What's that? You don't get a Sierra Mist?"
"I've got a bird shit joint in your life."
"Take your coat, honey. Yes, daddy."
"I'll get the car and pull it around."
"You get your coat, then come out."
"But I might have the car pulled around."
"You're proud of your wife."
"Oh, your coat."
"But anyways, I haven't lost any money."
"You can see, I haven't played yet."
"Because it all smells like cigarettes."
"But I have in the past lost lots of money."
"I see, it's funny what you see in casinos, you know?"
"Because it changes people, you know?"
"Winning and losing."
"Some people come with systems, I know that."
"Sometimes, you ever see, you ever witness, like, right after a system is kind
of unraveled a little bit?"
"Because one night when I was in an elevator, and there was a man and a woman,
a husband and a wife."
"And the husband was saying to the wife, 'I don't give a fuck what I say, give
me the money."
"So that was a system, a system that he was changing his mind."
"You know how to tell, if a person winning or losing, just like body, I'm kind
of an expert at body mining."
"So if you see a person walking around, looking up going, 'God damn, I wonder
how much that chandelier costs me."
"I got a big offer on that chandelier."
"But most of the time, you just see guys with their heads down, and wonder how
much I get for these shoes."
"Oh, my shoes."
"Atlantic City's the worst, man, they got, you go there and they got, like,
when you go out in the casino, every..."
"They only have one business other than casino, which is, they will buy the
gold from your teeth."
"I don't know how it works, but I'll tell you that, I don't know, I don't know,
this is boring."
"Yeah, I didn't have a terrible, uh..."
"You only know that you're an idiot when you're gambling is when the guys, like
the pit bosses, like you."
"Then you know you're a part of it."
"Because they're mad, I'm proud, you know."
"And when they start offering you free things, that's not a good sign."
"You like meat?"
"You're like, what?"
"Free beef."
"It's like I don't even have a sack."
"Anything to keep in the casino."
"This is my way, you want a fucker?"
"Oh man, thanks for having you guys on school."
"How are you playing Arnie?"
"See you again, Arnie, Arnie's doing good."
"I'm gonna go to, he has a pod..."
"You ever got a guy named Podcast?"
"And then he has some serious questions?"
"I don't know how to answer it."
"It looked like a couple, I was like, oh."
"Like where did you, where did you burst?"
"Where did you, why did you?"
"I don't know, I didn't."
"I just ended up here suddenly."
"I got some new jokes I wrote on me, but I wrote them bad."
"I can't write good."
"I'm funny, I didn't talk about Bill Coddy because of the retired rat."
"Caitlin, the beautiful C