Name: norm bootleg stand up # 10
Uploaded: 2022-01-06T18:30:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg stand up # 10' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg stand up # 10' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-06. Transcript available.

norm bootleg stand up # 10

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Norm Macdonald!
I got a cold or something.
Well, fuck it, man. I'll get through it.
If fucking Serena Williams gets through it, I can get through it.
But I might have something.
I'm an old man.
When you get something, you go,
God damn, that might be something.
You know?
When you're a kid, you get something, you go,
it's nothing.
Then you get older, you go,
God damn, I think that might be something.
Hey, do you guys have any
Queen Nights back there or something?
I don't like swallowing. I don't know if that's good.
But you got anybody back there?
You got like a box of the Kleenex and...
God damn.
Get old, you know, it's different.
You're young.
You know what I mean?
Young people.
Think about a child.
When you're four or something like that,
you could fucking lose a tooth
and another tooth will come.
What the fuck?
And now, if you lose a tooth,
you know, me,
I drink soup for a while.
But, you know,
when you're older, listen,
I've seen more sunsets than I'm going to see,
let's be honest.
You get older, you get worried.
You're young, you don't think about that shit.
But, some of you see it,
you know, about my age.
I'm two score and 11.
I'm 51, but I like to sound like A. Rumbly.
But, I'm at the age
that I worry about shit.
That's all I'm saying.
Like, I spend a lot of my day going,
my left arm feels weird.
Anytime my left arm...
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
You're a good man.
Chad, give him a hand.
He's a good man.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, I think he's gonna be so gross
doing this, too.
He's like, I'm gonna whack off it anyway.
But, yeah, I worry about my left arm.
You know, because the thing is that,
that, you get certain things,
what do you call things,
symptoms,
that, uh...
So, like,
if you get real indigestion,
that could be a symptom
of a giant heart attack.
Or,
it could be a symptom
of indigestion.
So,
you know,
you could end up
at the hospital,
you know,
farting or something.
You're like,
what the fuck are you coming here for?
You're like,
you're dead at your place
because you didn't want
to look bad
in front of the doctor.
I'm going to the doc.
I'm a little bit of a...
People used to think
I was a hypochondriac.
The thing is,
if you,
if the doctor pegs you
as a hypochondriac,
then he thinks
nothing can happen.
He thinks you're
fucking invulnerable.
But I get stupid though.
Like one time
I had a pap smear.
I guess I'm a little bit...
I guess I'm a little bit
of a...
I don't know.
I thought that was my show.
I thought I should have
tried a big mistake
to bring out the Kleenex
to try to draw his focus.
But yeah.
So,
you get old
and you get
afraid.
I've realized that
now that I'm old.
I'm not that old
but I'll get older.
Hopefully.
When I was a kid,
all my friends and me
would go,
we don't want to do
heroin.
Then we had this thing.
We'll do heroin
when we're 80.
That's where we all said
back when we were young.
But little did we realize
when you get 80,
you fucking ain't
going to do no heroin.
You're afraid of everything.
Because my grandpa
was 80.
Motherfucker,
you know.
He's sitting in his chair.
Hey, grandpa.
Why don't we walk
down the street
to the store?
No.
Why?
There's a wind.
I went out yesterday
in the wind
and look at my arm
getting fucking bruised.
You got bruised
in the wind?
I'm not doing heroin,
I have to say.
I'm not doing heroin.
I have to say.
The big story, of course,
is the
Caitlyn.
Caitlyn?
Damn, that's a hot piece of ass.
What the fuck is he doing?
What the fuck is he doing?
I remember 1976, I'm that old.
And I remember when he won the,
because I'm from Quebec,
he won the
decathlon,
world's greatest athlete.
Now, that would have been
a good time to come out
when they gave him
the gold medal
and go,
by the way,
I'm a lady.
God damn.
the world's greatest
athlete's a lady.
That would have been
very good
for the feminist movement.
Now,
when you're 60,
you're 65 years old.
Is there really
that much difference
between a 65-year-old man
and a 65-year-old woman?
The fuck?
Come on.
I'm not sure
there's none of it.
It's funny, though.
If you could just say
you're a woman,
because that's all you have to do.
There's no blood test
or anything.
Ladies, I have to take
your word for it.
You don't even have to
cut off your cock or nothing.
You say,
I'm a lady,
and they have to believe
you or they're bigots.
So,
I was thinking,
I would not want
to be a lady.
However,
there is one instance
in which I would
become a lady.
If I ever went to jail,
like,
if they ever caught me
for a crime,
that I committed
in the past,
like, I don't want to tell you
about my past too much,
but one time I,
uh,
um,
I guess,
I guess technically
I'm guilty of man-slaughter.
Only technically,
because I slaughtered a man.
Like,
it started,
you know,
because I was
fists and stuff,
you know,
and then I ended up,
like,
god damn,
I slaughtered that bus,
but I got to run.
And I ran away.
So don't,
don't spread that
around then.
So let's say
they catch me,
some guy go,
hey,
that's the motherfucker,
you know,
he's watching TV
or some shit,
that's that motherfucker
that slaughtered my best friend.
Anyways,
if I did,
I would,
uh,
and I got sentenced
for manslaughter,
and the judge said,
uh,
anything you'd like to say,
I go,
yes,
I'm a lady.
And then,
I would get to go
to ladies' jail,
where I would be
enormously popular.
As I passed it,
you go,
on YouTube,
watched,
uh,
uh,
what the operation they do?
God damn.
So she said,
you want to see it?
I said,
I'd rather see
a fucking ISIS video
than that.
It's,
uh,
it's,
the operation is,
in its infancy,
let's say.
So a lot of the ladies,
um,
don't change,
they just have cops.
When I was,
like,
when I was young,
I thought I was a lady?
And I said to my dad,
I go,
hey dad,
I,
I,
I have a feeling I'm a lady.
I don't know why,
something to tell me I'm a lady.
And then he's like,
what about your cock?
I'm like,
oh yeah,
I forgot.
I forgot I'm a cock.
That's how ignorant
we were back then.
we thought dudes
were people with cots
and ladies
were people without cots.
But,
turns out that's a,
that's not true.
That's just nonsense
thinking.
Imagine if it was
barbaric thoughts
we used to have
back then.
I think that might be scurvy.
I'm going to be a scurvy doctor.
That'd be a good guy.
I've got scurvy girl.
Here are some oranges.
I wrote some shit
on a piece of paper.
But now I can't read it.
I write very badly.
I got to work
on my penmanship.
but I do find it strange
that he would change
his sex at 65
because I am 51
and my,
you know,
cock hardly works.
I don't know,
you know,
I don't know
how people sexually
function.
Like it works
but it doesn't work
like when I was 20.
It's a young,
you know,
having sex to me
is a young man's name.
And, uh,
I don't want to be
an old man,
you know,
trying to do
a young man's job.
And I don't got
that big thing
that's the past.
The present is like,
you know,
I'm thinking the lady's like,
what's that said?
I didn't feel it.
It's inflated a little bit.
You notice,
you know what I'm noticing?
And then she tries to help
and it's like,
you know,
it's like,
bendy.
It's not good.
It's not good at all
for anyone.
It's cramming.
I'm trying to cram.
It shouldn't be
an easy,
natural,
but it's not
for a bitchy
one-year-old
to dabble in.
I'm going to retire
if I fuck her.
I decided
to do it.
It's not fun.
You know what I mean?
Like,
it'd be fun
if everybody was the same.
Sexually,
like,
you know what I mean?
Like,
I'll tell you,
I'm not fancy.
I just find a lady
and then
I ask the artist.
I ask.
And then
if she says yes,
I'll lie down
on top of her.
There's no,
like,
there's no accessories
or
odd requests.
Sometimes there is
from the lady
and I hate it.
Like,
one night I was at the lady
and she's like,
yeah,
I bet you're like,
she's so beautiful.
She goes,
I bet you like rough sex.
And I was like,
yeah.
That's a biggie.
Oh,
it's not that man,
I'm fucking wrestling man.
I haven't heard enough
so I get an erection,
you know,
during tax season.
I'm like,
I'm wearing a headlock.
I'm like,
whatever,
you know.
One of them is like,
why do you rape me?
I'm like,
well,
you can't consent
to that.
What are you talking about?
Maybe I'll sneak up
on your leaf with a rock.
or you really want it,
but I don't want
to freeze you.
But I have any sense.
I want to lie down
on top of you
and it's pitch black
with like six fucking quilts
on top of it
and then return to real life
without mentioning it anymore.
I've never been into
the fancy stuff.
I don't know,
people must have
like gradually,
you know what I mean?
You don't just all of a sudden
go over there,
you know,
I only get off
but yet my balls
went from time
and you try to figure out
my ass
and you know,
you didn't start
like that.
You know?
So don't go to
any like thing
because it's all,
it's a slippery slope.
You're all trying
to put her finger
near your eyes
like,
ah!
Ah!
I'm lying on top of you,
that's it.
I don't know
what the future
are all sort of you.
It's like when,
you know,
that's why I think
couples should just quit
and just retire
because you can retire
from anything else,
you know,
from your job.
You go,
fuck Abernathy,
they're not going to
tell me what to do
no more.
Never giving nothing,
that motherfucker.
I got me and Daphne,
we saved up a little money
and go to,
um,
the Bahamas
and lie on a,
um,
one of them,
hammocks.
I don't know,
I don't understand.
Or like,
I played league hockey,
you know,
up until last year
and then I was like,
fuck it,
these boys,
uh,
they got,
you know,
hard by,
they're hitting me hard.
Outscate me,
never used to be able
to outscate me,
but,
I ain't got the arches
no more.
Busted me up,
you know.
I lost four in four teeth.
So I said,
so I said,
fuck it,
time to hang up
the tackle barriers.
It's a sad day,
but,
everybody understood.
But,
I don't know why,
people proud
of old people fucking,
say,
my grandmother
and grandfather,
they're 85 years old
each,
and they still
have a wonderful
sex life.
And I go,
all right,
well,
I never want
to beat them.
That's the thing
I've ever heard.
As you're 85,
I've never heard
that time.
85,
you're trying
to get an erection,
maintain an erection,
85 years old,
how the hell
do you do that?
And you know,
I'll tell you something,
if you're trying
to maintain an erection
when you're 85 years old,
you know what does
not help at all?
85-year-old lady.
That's not going to help.
You stand over there
and try to figure out something.
At some point,
you should be going,
look,
I'm retiring.
We're fucking.
I'd like to thank
the eight ladies
and let me lay on top
of them.
It was nice of them.
I appreciate it.
But I'm going to
take up bowling.
I always wanted
to learn to bowl.
So,
you know,
Ruth and I
are going to
take up a bowl.
Retain a little
of our dignity.
Nothing worse
than when sex
goes bad
and then
they try to
go to somebody
and go,
Mark,
you should spice it up.
Like a marriage counselor.
You ever think
of spicing it up?
What's that?
Yes,
you should role play.
You know,
you ever try that?
You go,
ah,
yes.
All right.
And then you're like,
okay,
Ruth,
here we go.
I'll,
I'll be a cowboy
and you
be
just anybody
other than you.
I'm trying to
get through this
fucking masquerade
against this.
I thought you're always
bridge and
fiction area
and those other things
in life.
What's your team?
Oh,
of course,
of course.
Fucking great team.
A great team.
I picked the blues
last year
and the year before.
Not my team,
but I thought they were,
my team's the Canadians.
God damn.
This is,
you know,
last couple of years
I had a chance
big city rangers
took my goalie out
motherfuckers
two years ago.
Anyways,
nobody wants to
go about that.
It means a lot
to me.
I wish I,
I wish
it was much
about.
Oh,
but you guys
needed more
because you've
got the riots
and all that.
I don't care
of that.
There's nothing
that would unite
the blacks
and whites
more
than our
hockey
championship.
Oh my golly.
I have suffered
now,
but I don't want to
say,
oh,
I know,
about Bill Cosby.
That's what I'm just saying.
Stop.
Bill Cosby.
I opened for him
once and I 