Name: norm bootleg stand up #13
Uploaded: 2022-01-27T06:39:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg stand up #13' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg stand up #13' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-27. Transcript available.

norm bootleg stand up #13

Our next guest, Norm and I go back a long way.
We started around the same time up in Canada, and obviously he's doing way
better.
But, you know, I remember one of the first times I ever saw him on stage, like
he was
brilliant right from the very, very beginning, amazing.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Norm MacDonald!
What Norm does is he goes to the bathroom right before I go out.
So it's me again, it's like sex is over, and you're still here, you know?
Hey, yeah, hey, everything's good, everything's good, everything's good.
Steve is right. I'm not ready for a show. I go, um, um, um, goddammit, my cock
is full of piss.
I go, I don't want to go out for an hour and my cock is full of piss.
So, I go, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh, uh
So, uh, goddammit, just in, uh, Portland to Oregon, these motherfuckers, they're
so, uh, what do you call people that fucking think they're better than
everybody else?
We don't need to know all the words, but you know.
So I get in the car, the guy drives in the public, he goes, we ain't got no
racism in, uh, Portland.
And then I'm driving, and everybody's white. Like, everybody.
So I think I go, you know, it's pretty easy, I guess, uh, to be not racist when
there's no black people at all in your city.
And then the guy goes, we got our share.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
Why are all racist, uh, cowboy, uh, fucking cowboy? What the fuck am I talking
about?
I'm talking a little fast, so I gotta calm down.
There's been about 50 of these fuckers.
Um, you know, I was gonna say, why are all, uh, cabbies racist? It's crazy.
And, uh, I don't know if you've ever been in this situation, you know, like, I
used to live fucking way in the suburbs, and I have to take a cab with, like,
15 miles of, like, nothingness, so he got into my place.
So I get in the cab. Every time, the cabbie would be racist. And then, I don't
know, like, what am I gonna fucking argue with the guy? Like, somehow I'm on a
crossfire or some fucking thing?
So, I suppose I should, you know, because that's what emboldens, and that's why
he'll continue to say racist things, because everybody gets in his cab, and
goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, over there.
You know, so I picked a cowardly way of doing it, but that's what I do, because
I want to get home, so I end up saying some awful things.
I never say a lot. I don't say, I don't say awful things. I just, like, I'll
say, yeah, he had the right idea.
I came here left in Las Vegas, Nevada, I don't even know what it is.
This place is irrational, you know what I mean? It's such an irrational place,
that's what's odd about it.
And so, I, I, I, I, I, I was on that elevator, and I, I, I, I'm gonna slow down
a little later.
Everybody probably thinks I'm on coke, because I am on cocaine.
So, I don't blame you, you know, I don't think I'm on coke.
I don't know if you've ever caught a whole, like, you just hear a snippet of a
conversation, man, it gives you a whole, you know, what's happened, what's
going on, you know what I mean?
A great deal of example, you're just hearing a little tiny snippet, so I was on
this, I'll give you an example.
Like, one time, I was walking past two homeless guys, one homeless guy says to
the other homeless guy, he goes, when the fuck did you ever play goalie for the
Montreal Canadiens?
You ever have guys that just lie, like, you know, ever know guys like that,
just fucking, uh, uh, what do you call them, congenital, or not congenital?
They can't help themselves, they're pathological liars, and, uh, everybody's
not one of them, you know, they say things so fucking outrageous, and then you're
embarrassed, they should be embarrassed, you're embarrassed, you know, because
you have to go, you can agree with them, and, so one time I was washing dishes,
I had a job washing dishes at the old spaghetti factory, which was fun.
It's a great restaurant, if you like old spaghetti, so, it's from a factory,
you know, I like, from a factory, oh my god, so I'm washing dishes, the guy
next to me is washing dishes, and, uh, and, uh, I say to him, hey, I was in Etobicoke,
and I said, in Canada, so I said, hey, uh, Springsteen, uh, Bruce Springsteen
came to, uh, Toronto on the weekend, and this guy goes, yeah, I partied with
him, and I'm like, oh, yeah.
And then he goes, he's gonna ask my brother, that's his fucking thing, you know,
like, now I'm gonna phone his family, you know what I mean, like, what the fuck,
I'm just a guy washing dishes.
I'm like, yeah, listen, man, is this Tony's brother? Hey, man, I wash dishes
with him, he washes dishes, and I wash dishes beside him, and, uh, he just
wanted to, uh, confirm,
some outlandish fucking horse shit, and he told me that you're the guy.
Anyways, no, this has anything to do with anything. It's not that anything ever
will, but, what does that fucking talk about? Oh, yeah, it's like a snippet of
conversation, right?
So, I'm in the elevator, in the casino in Las Vegas, and I'm going down to the
floor. Now, in Las Vegas, people go to Las Vegas all the time, and, uh, they go
there with systems.
You know, they're gonna break the bank. They're gonna beat the casino. You know?
And, uh, sometimes, these systems actually don't work at all.
I believe that I, just by a snippet of conversation, uh, uh, was witnessing the
unravel of the system, because there was a guy, and what I presented was his
wife, and they were standing there, and the guy turns, uh, to what I presented
was his wife, and he says to her, he says, uh, I don't give a fuck what I said.
Give me the money. Like that.
And I said, what is this? He had a system that wasn't working out, and he was
calling out, and he was going to change the system to take it off the rest of
his money, and betting it on red.
And then, winning that, and then returning to the system.
I bet on red. This, again, shows the rationality of gambling. I went to the, uh,
uh, floor, you know, the pits they got, and I, I walked by the roulette table,
I put two hundred dollars on black, and it rolled, and the silver number landed
on red, and then I said, fuck, I almost picked this.
I never understood. I never understood. They're like, ah, you can't overthink
it.
You know anything about the game of roulette.
You go to the first instinct.
Anybody, anybody says that they're lucky in a casino. I was like, what the fuck?
Come on, who the fuck's lucky?
What about when it's lucky, and they're, they're like, I'm really lucky, and
then they're really stupid girls with big tits.
You're like, oh, you're lucky?
I wonder how that happened.
You say one, but the other, you wait, you come out a little out of the, ha, ha.
That one's a fucking puzzler.
Hey, what about this, their, uh, their crazy, uh, um, slogan, you know, every
city has a slogan, so their slogan is, whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
And other places, you know, we'll have like, uh, like, uh, you know, if it's,
uh, Atlanta, Georgia, their, their city slogan is like, hey, you like, uh, peaches?
We have nice baskets of peaches, and you're happy, you know? Virginians for
lovers, you know, things like that.
But in Vegas, it's like, hey, listen.
And it's not actually real, it's not like you can kill someone in Vegas and hit
the road, you know?
They'll find you, they'll bring you back, they'll arrest you, they'll
fingerprint you, they'll cuff you, you know?
They'll, uh, put you in front of, uh, jury of your peers.
So it's really, like, what's the real mean? What do you really mean? You know?
What do you really mean? You know? Um, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So I thought about it for a long time. I pondered, I ruminated, you know?
And finally I come up with this. This is what it really means.
You can go to Las Vegas, have sex with a prostitute, and she won't tell your
wife back home where you live.
That's the very discreet, the, uh, Las Vegas prostitutes.
Now let those small, damn, blabbermouth whores, that kind of mess, you know,
those, those fucking gossipy.
Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over there.
You're Angus McGregor's wife of, my God, small world.
He took a, he took a shit on me last night.
I exchanged for cash.
Small world.
Hey.
It's funny people say small world, but they almost, they almost, they almost
never say it.
It's almost never applicable because it's not true.
You know what I mean?
It's like you meet a guy, you're in Paris or something fucking thing.
You go, hey, I'm from Madison, Wisconsin.
I'm from Madison, Wisconsin.
Oh, small world, but it doesn't have an M, you know?
It's usually like, uh, hey, uh, I'm from Madison, Wisconsin.
What about you?
I'm from here, France.
Wow, this is a fucking big world, man.
This is, what a giant globe we live on.
Large, big, very large.
People are hardly having to come in contact with each other as it happens.
And I took an airplane here.
It was scary because there was turbulence, you know?
And I don't know if you like turbulence.
Some of the front lights turbulence, I'm like, what kind of question is that?
I'm like, retarded.
I gotta get myself together.
Nobody likes turbulence on planes.
Of course, I get afraid.
I get scared, you know what I mean?
I get skeered.
I try to do the best that I can.
Like, I, um, oh, here's the thing.
I listen, I, I don't, I haven't listened for a long time, so I heard a new one
that I hadn't heard.
There's one where the oxygen mass falls down.
They go, my, uh, your oxygen mass falls down.
Make sure you put it on yourself first, and then put it on your little child.
And I was like, that was my fucking plan the whole time.
I'm glad to everybody.
And, uh, but here's the great thing in anacar plane, what I always do.
I sit in the exit row, and it's fantastic, because you get, like, a lot of
extra labor,
and all you have to do to sit in the exit row is to lie.
Seems like a good number.
The, uh, stewardess comes, or the, uh, flight attendant, lady, you know, we don't
call her.
We used to go, whatever.
I can't keep up, but we used to call, uh, ladies, uh, the airplane, uh, stewardesses.
If they were flight attendant, if they were a lady, they were stewardesses.
And, uh, if they were a man, well, you know, oh, yeah.
So, it was a bad time, you know.
It was a hateful time.
Like, my dad was old when he had me, you know, I was 50, fighting a motherfucking
war, right?
So, to me, that gives him a pass, whatever the fuck he wants to think.
I didn't think anything he wants.
Because I was in the fucking war.
I got, like, an 18-year-old kid telling me, and I'm like, yeah, my dad, man, he
was this fucking guy.
It was, you know.
And so, anyway, he's like, yeah, it sounds like a bad guy.
I go, no, no.
You know, he was fucking, uh, if he was old, he'd be a thousand.
He's, you know, he was 50 when he had me.
Old man.
World War II.
This guy's 18.
What the fuck?
What the fuck am I going to learn from an 18-year-old?
You know what I'm saying?
Twelve years ago, that motherfucker was six.
And suddenly, he got opinions.
Everybody got opinions.
I don't know what happened.
But, anyway, so I'm on the airplane, and that's what, so you sit, this is what
happens.
You sit in the, uh, in the exit row, and then the steward of the flight attendants,
they come up, and they say, listen, uh, in case of, uh, you know, explosion and
everything, and, uh, you know, the white and black smoke racing down the fuselage
to grab your neck and choke you.
Would you mind, just, like, after you, please?
And then you go, yes.
Yeah, I'll do that.
And they have to hear it verbally now.
They can't just, like, nod your head.
It's not binding enough.
You know, you have to say, yes.
So then later, after the crash, you know, and then, you know, as I say it, I go,
yeah, listen, of course, in real life, I'd be 