Name: Best of Norm
Uploaded: 2022-02-03T06:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Norm' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best of Norm' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Best of Norm

yeah how's the family how's everything going oh great man couldn't be better
life is fantastic yeah I like life man you do really oh my god people are
complaining about it first of all you lucky you're lucky enough to be alive
when you think about it you know I'm saying your mother had to have sex with
your father that your grandparents had to have sex grand great grandparents had
to have sex it's lucky you're alive my god it's amazing and I'm so happy every
day because it's just a fluke there's so many more many more people that never
got to be alive
I guess you're right if you do the math so when people care about it I'm like
man
it's the greatest gig in the world being alive you get to eat at Danny's wear a
hat whatever yeah yeah get haircuts it is well good I'm glad life is going well
I
kill us now I've never asked you this before and we've been good friends for
many years okay I made that up but we haven't no no we're friends we're good
friends but I don't know what you're I'm McDonald is that Irish is that
Scottish
what's your ethnic ethnic background is Polish
I didn't realize that yeah Donald you don't well my parents changed their names
they had
to because of the constant ribbing they'd get for being Polish you know and so
they
changed their name to McDonald but you know it's one of the things that you got
you know I mean I get a
little upset about it you know because you know the Polish jokes yeah you can't
make
jokes about other people for some reason you make jokes about Polish people you
know right I don't like it you shouldn't that sounds bad yeah I mean I had an
experience you know I go in and I order a Polish sausage you know from this guy
you
know and so the guy says to me oh oh you must be Polish and I said come on man
I mean come on
think about it what you're saying you know I'm trying to I'm trying to knock
some sense into this
fella's head maybe give him a a wider world view you know sure yeah yeah I said
you think because I
order a Polish sausage I'm Polish I said what if somebody came in here and
ordered French toast
would you would you think he was French you know right I mean what if somebody
came
in here in order to why a why a Belgian waffle would you consider that guy a
Belgian you know I mean I mean if a guy came in and ordered a German bratwurst
would
you would you consider that fellow to be a a German fella right I said what if
a guy
came in and ordered German potato salad I suppose you'd think he was German too
yeah yeah yeah
you know what if a guy I said what if a guy wow you talked to this guy for a
while
I'm telling you man with with racist you have to get through you have to really
get it into their
head right I said if a guy came in and ordered a Cuban hamburger are you gonna
assume he's a Cuban
right right right I said I think it is absolutely ridiculous that just because
I come in and I order
a Polish sausage why would you jump to the fact that I'm Polish right and the
guy says to me well
first of all it's a hardware store
and you hate Polish jokes don't you you just hate them no I think they're
disgusting
let me ask you quickly I haven't talked to you in so long I want to ask about
your family
ah my great family I love them all how's your we used to talk in the old days
you and I used to
used to spend some yarns about Uncle Hector how's Uncle Hector Uncle Hector he's
Polish too I'm
guessing no he wasn't Polish okay no he was from my cousin's side of the family
and he was uh he was
uh he was a great man my uncle you know uh he uh it was an old fella he
actually uh uh rode the rails
during the depression oh you know he's a hobo hobo as you might call him I don't
like that term
but whatever tramp or whatever what have you railroad bum
but he wasn't a bum he was just out he was a good honest man during the
depression searching for
work you know and you know he had no money so he'd travel the country trying to
find work and he
actually rode the rails Uncle Hector and uh and he told me uh it was an
interesting story he'd go
through this was in Canada and uh there's a town called Kitchener in Canada and
the railroad cops were
tough boy they were tougher tougher than real cops you know they had a law of
their own the railroad cops
I feel like I should be tucked into bed listening to you
anyway a law of their own those railroad cops but there was not a railroad cop
tougher than Kitchener
Leslie oh boy he was well known he was well known for beating hobos to death
really he'd find a hobo
on his train he beat him to death beat him to death and uh so what the uh the
railroad bums would all do is
and then as Kitchener approached of course oh hey Norm how are you doing so uh
wow such focus on these stories that wasn't a mirror that was another guy that
was a guy in the room yeah
so uh uh uh uh the railroad bums would all see hop off before they got to
Kitchener right to avoid
being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie yeah
yeah anyways my uh my uh Uncle Hector a good man you know and he walked into a
mine one day this is a
uh a story for the uh that they think the young people could learn from
this is yeah Uncle mine hopping kids
during the height of the depression where there was absolutely no work my Uncle
Hector walked into
to to I won't say the name of the mining company it was McIntyre Mine and he
and he walked in he had
his he had his lunch box with him and his his uh work boots and he said sir he
said uh I want a job
they said we have no jobs he said well 500 people work here at McIntyre Mine he
goes uh I don't think
there are 500 men here better than I uh he says as a matter of fact I don't
think there are 200 men
better than I he says I I think you'd be strapped to find 100 men better than I
and by golly
he got the job what do you think of that that's a great story yeah
I'm sensing there's more now back to Kitchener Leslie yeah the most dreaded no
no no Uncle Hector
Uncle Hector what no I'm sorry I'm trying to help you out no Uncle Hector yeah
where's the story
going Uncle Uncle Hector uh worked in a mine and yeah it's a hellish job the
mine as you well know
you know uh darkness you know it's dank it's dank yeah it's it's coley it's a
lot of what
well you're in a coal mine it's not coley it's coal written it's coal infested
it's not coley it's coal
infested so uh so he worked in the mine and by god he worked hard and uh after
a week of working
hard he said to the the shift manager he said where he said by golly I'd like
to have a lady I work hard
and uh where would I find a where would I find a lady here in town well they
said to Uncle Hector
they says uh uh we don't have uh we have sex with animals here
by god says Uncle Hector I'm not gonna do that I why I'm a normal fella uh well
then uh be to your own
devices then so be to your own devices yeah wow Uncle Hector continued working
in the mine he worked hard
he worked long and he worked for a low wage but he was a man and uh and Uncle Hector
after a couple of
weeks passed he started to get a little itch you know as you and I say right
right right well when
we're thinking about the the ladies you know and uh but he kept it under
control he went again he said
are you sure there's no ladies here no we have sex with animals oh my god six
months passed and Uncle
Hector couldn't take it any longer he told me he said by god I just had to uh I'm
just a man I'm weak
you know I'm not a saint you know and uh I was I was born in sin I suppose and
I I couldn't resist
I just needed it so so he said he walked by a pasture and there there was a pig
oh god yeah yeah it's
terrible and uh so Uncle Hector said well he he said I walked up and I I began
having sex with a pig
and he said uh all of a sudden he saw all the miners like around him you know
looking at him they go
Uncle Hector oh what the hell are you doing over there and Uncle Hector's like
indignant he's like
what well you you're the guys that told me that uh that uh you have sex with
animals they're like
Uncle Hector you damn fool that's Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend
no that's not Kitchener Leslie's pig Kitchener Leslie's lady oh yeah
you tell quite a yarn man well I had shorter ones but
there's no other guests tonight that pretty much
I have one other funny anecdote and it's very short I don't think we can
here he is the always entertaining norm mcdonald ladies and gentlemen
yeah I saw that show today norm very funny what show the tv show yeah your tv
show yeah congratulations
and by the way you look very uh youthful and and how come we haven't seen you
in two years
oh how how come I haven't been here in two years yeah oh man I've been busy
I got a kid you know I know well you got a kid yeah I do how old's Harry he's
uh seven yeah man they
they grow up so slow you know don't it's barely discernible
isn't it yes how old is your son he's 18 they get far less cute yeah
not as cute when they're on the lawn punching you in the chest
yeah well anyway it's good to have you here it's good to be here
and uh in addition to the new show the norm mcdonald sports show
you have you have uh like your uh was it your first stand-up special yes i did
a comedy central
special right uh one of 40 they did this year on comedy central and uh but it
was fun but uh
i got a weird time uh they showed it at 11 30 and on saturday and it turned out
that that was
during this thing called earth hour i think some people know what it is yeah on
earth hour you have
to turn off your electricity
so wow that's horrible and as you know as i know and as they apparently know tvs
are powered by electricity
so um and furthermore my key demographic is damn dirty hippies yeah
oh man well you know you took one on the chin there yeah now listen uh i'm very
surprised and
impressed about this that you you you built kind of like a a twitter following
yes well i'm an internet
sensation whoa now i didn't take you for a guy that would know about that kind
of i know all about
that stuff really when did when did you start twitter about two weeks ago
really but this is what
i did it for the oscars the guy told me how to do it and i was watching the oscars
and you know how
horrible those were and uh so it was pretty easy to do just jokes constantly on
how horrible everyone
was you know and uh and uh you know and some of the things were nice like uh it
was nice to see
kirk douglas of course you know and he had that terrible stroke which didn't
affect his comic timing
at all and uh but uh so i twittered and i ended up twittering 190 tweets whoa
and which was it turns out
way too much really so people started telling me to stop anyways get this just
earlier this happened
right before we came on the uh on the show i walked out here uh i'm in some
kind of twitter
feud with steve martin i know that i know that steve also actively twitters
yeah yeah so this is
what happened dig this you know how to tweet no you don't know how to tweet no
where you've been
so so uh so uh so i he writes a tweet i misunderstand it i reply let's hear
what he said what he said okay
well this is what he said i'm not really that great at it but
he said uh he said has anybody seen my hat
now uh i've looked every four for it i can't find my hat right so i say was it
a brown fedora with a red
hat band but what i didn't know is he sent a twit pic
stop right there let me just say if this is an example of twitter communication
it's invaluable
what do you think i should answer this is the last thing you said to me he goes
uh this just came in
nine seconds ago he goes still mulling over this tweet from norm to me it's so
enigmatic is it a put down
i i don't honestly i i mean he lost a hat right yeah and then you responded is
it with a red hat band
yeah i don't none of this makes any sense yeah it's a generational thing oh i
guess so
well what is it now i will tell you what's cool about the the internet and
being an internet sensation
stuff on the youtube now everybody you know uh uh i don't know if you remember
about but this fame uh
and