Name: Norm MacDonald Hosting Canadian Candy Awards 2016
Uploaded: 2022-02-03T06:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm MacDonald Hosting Canadian Candy Awards 2016' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm MacDonald Hosting Canadian Candy Awards 2016' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Live from Toronto at the Sony Centre, it's the 4th Annual Canadian Screen
Awards with your host, Norm Macdonald, featuring Martin Short, Jay Baruchel,
Rick Mercer, Emily Van Camp, Eugene Levy, Jacob Trombley, Catherine O'Hara,
Christopher Plummer, and Donald Sutherland. Now, please welcome Norm Macdonald.
Thank you and good evening. I'm Norm Macdonald, and I could not be more excited
to be here. You know, when I was asked to host the Canadian Screen Awards, I
called my good friend Chris Rock, and I said to him,
I've got some great news, Chris. I'm going to Canada, and he said, I've got
some great news, too. I'm hosting the Oscars. What are you doing in Canada?
And I said, you know, I'm visiting some family, friends, etc.
The usual.
We're coming to you live from Toronto, or as you cost-cutting location scouts
call it, New York City.
Look at this beautiful crowd, though, isn't it something?
Dashing men.
Does that sound a little like Bob O?
Look at this beautiful crowd, though, folks.
Dashing men.
Dashing men in black tie, sophisticated women in elegant gowns,
and tonight, all of you are going to hear the word shits about a hundred times.
Never has there been such an assembly of great Canadian talent in a single
location that did not have to be Zambonied first.
Tonight, the CSAs are being seen in over 50 countries. Isn't that exciting?
Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Don't wait. Wait.
Wait. I misread that.
50 counties.
And a couple of regional municipalities.
We are here to celebrate nominees for their wonderful work in Canadian cinema
and television,
which is a lot like celebrating the Northern Lights.
You probably haven't seen them, but you've heard they're amazing.
You know, we were worried people would record the show
and they're just fast-forward to the good parts, as is the want these days.
So, we have put a plan in place to prevent that from happening.
We have decided to not have any good parts.
I'm doing my part.
But, no, that's not true.
We have a lot to celebrate in our industry.
Amongst the TV shows nominated tonight are Amazing Race Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
Master Chef Canada.
Where do they come up with these ideas?
We are honored to have the great Christopher Plummer here tonight.
Mr. Plummer is nominated for Remember the story of a man who, at age 90, sets
out to kill the Nazi who murdered his family.
And, I thought I left things to the last minute.
But, it's been a wonderful year for Canada.
It's been an especially great year for one little guy, one adorable little
Canadian youngster, who's already accomplished so much.
Of course, you know who I'm talking about?
Justin Trudeau.
Hasn't he had a wonderful year?
No, I'm kidding.
No, I'm kidding.
I was misdirecting you.
I'm talking about Jacob Tremblay.
Jacob is up for best actor and he'll be competing against the aforementioned
Christopher Plummer.
You know, Jacob is only nine years old.
Christopher Plummer, 86 years old.
But, they have a couple of things in common.
One, the deep love of their craft.
And two, they are both up way past their bedtimes.
And tonight, the Lifetime Achievement Award will be presented to Mr. Martin
Short.
It's the Academy's way of saying, "Thank you so much, we've had enough."
Well, Don Riggle, as a friend, it's over.
Angelou Ellis is here tonight, absolutely.
She has done some powerful work in the Book of Negroes, which tells the story
of the American
story of a woman confronting the tragic legacy of racism in 18th century
America.
Oh, did I mention, on the show Sunnyside, I play a talking manhole?
That doesn't mean it's better, it's just different.
Ross of Sutherland is here, nominated for his role in River.
And he is here with his iconic father, Donald Sutherland, who has come to
support his son.
Not to compete with him like someone I know, Eugene Levy.
Oh, and Catherine O'Hara is here tonight, the wonderful--
That's a beautiful dress you have on, Catherine.
I don't know if I'm allowed to say that.
But Catherine is an actress of extraordinary range, from her many characters on
SCTV, of course,
to her work in "Best in Show," and "Home Alone," and perhaps her most
remarkable performance
to date as the title character in "The Book of Negroes."
I lost a dollar.
It's been a busy weekend getting here.
We lost an hour, as you know, daylight savings time went into effect last night.
Ha, I give it six months.
And I would like to take a brief moment, as all moments are, I suppose, to
thank my writers.
You know, the writers are so specialized these days.
There's a joke writer.
He gives you jokes.
There's a gag writer.
He gives you gags.
There's a head writer.
He gives you-- what I'm saying is, things are very--
They're very--
They're specialized.
Um, well, we're going to start the show, but, you know, I was--
It hasn't started yet.
You didn't know.
I saw a wild look of alarm cross your eyes.
But I was backstage, uh, yesterday, and I was-- we were doing rehearsals, and I
asked,
"What is the statuette called?"
And they said, "It's called the Canadian Screen Award."
And I said, "Well, that seems kind of dull.
Like, what-- that's the name of the award?"
And they said, "Well, we've been bandying around different names."
And-- but none of-- you know, they said, "In Canada, it takes a long time to
get stuff
done and stuff."
But one of them that they said-- one of them they mentioned was the candy.
And I think, John Candy?
I mean, who doesn't love John Candy?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
I mean, who doesn't know?
So, of course, of course, the statuette should be called the candy.
So what I'm asking you to do is, if you are a presenter, ignore the teleprompter
and say,
"The candy goes, too."
And if you are lucky enough to win one, go, "I won a candy!"
What do you think of that?
Can you go along with that?
Excellent.
That would make us a better nation.
I am not here to upbraid.
However, I think I made it quite clear that these awards should be referred to
as the candies.
A nine-year-old child knew.
Are you so burdened to this preposterous technology?
So I would like not to see that again.
You know, backstage I was thinking how different things are since I moved to
the United States.
You know, now I'm in the United States.
One thing I've noticed about films, I don't like foreign films anymore.
You know?
They're all, like, artsy, kind of -- not my cup of tea.
But when I grew up in Ottawa, by God, I loved foreign films.
You know, Star Wars.
Smokey and the Bandit.
Do you remember that one?
Here to present our next award, the candy.
And this will be the end of my upbraiding.
I hope.
Is an accomplished act.
All right.
Hey, before we go any further, have a hand for the band, huh?
Good job, guys.
George St. Kitts and the candy band.
Who can take a sunrise?
Come on, guys.
Frank, go in, but they can't -- whatever.
Well, our next presenters are political people.
And it made me think, because I was just told, Cape Breton Island --
I don't know if you know this -- but they are offering sanctuary
to anyone that lives in America after Trump is elected president by a landslide.
And I agree with this in principle, but why Cape Breton Island?
I mean, can't I just flee to Toronto?
Do I have to leave the fucking planet?
Or I just go to Baffin Island while I'm at it?
All right.
Now, welcome to the Stage 2, Canadian.
Oh, the candies are going great so far, aren't they?
I would like to say to Eugene Levy that there's no reason to be ashamed of your
son.
My son only this morning punched me in the chest really hard.
Listen, I have some good news.
I just found out that all of you here tonight will be getting a swag bag.
Yeah, just like the Oscars.
I haven't seen one yet, but why don't we take a look and see what you're
getting?
I'm going to call Megan, our golden girl, out.
Megan, our golden girl?
Hi, Megan.
Come on out here.
Ah, you brought the swag bag.
Yes.
Can you hold it open?
And then I'll take things out of the swag bag.
What do we have here?
A loose pancake.
Oh, this looks cool.
It's a CD, you know what they are, of Nelly Furtado singing all the national
anthems.
Torn from today's headlines.
Oh, we have this.
Ah, yes.
This.
This is a bottle of Eau de John Cherry Cologne.
It's for the gentleman in the audience.
Now, what else do we have?
Hopefully something a little funnier than the last one.
Here.
We have a 30-minute massage from producer Robert Lantos.
Don't try to go for 50.
You only can hit 30.
Now, what else do we have here?
Oh, a curling stone.
You know what these are made of?
I always took them for granite.
Last time I take a joke from Martin Short.
All right.
Megan, just do some house cleaning here.
I want a hand for Megan, our Golden Globe.
A natural mistake.
Now, please welcome one of...
All right, all right.
I want to apologize for running out earlier.
I don't know if anybody saw that.
But, you know, these things happen in live TV.
And it reminds me, actually, of a maxim that Christopher Plummer told me many
years ago.
He said, "Before a live awards ceremony, do not eat a fistful of LSD."
Take that with you, and...
I'm sorry, Jacob.
How's Jacob doing?
Hey, Jacob.
Congratulations, buddy.
This must be like deja vu for you, being stuck in a room for a night like this.
All right, folks.
Please welcome...
All right, all right.
Listen, guys.
For some reason, I've been told to stretch.
So...
Oh, I've never tried that before.
The show's over, folks.
Good night.
But for the first candies, respect.
Peace.