Name: Norm in 'Back to Norm'
Uploaded: 2022-02-03T14:51:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm in 'Back to Norm'' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm in 'Back to Norm'' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Thank you for coming. Please turn off your cell phones and pagers. I have a
short statement to make.
My name is Norm MacDonald, and when I became a comedian, all I ever wanted to
do was make people laugh,
and perhaps make them think as well.
However, I've come to realize that failure has dogged me at every turn,
and that mediocrity has been my hallmark.
So it is, with a heavy heart, but a clear conscience, I've decided to retire
from show business.
Norm Marcus, what about a reality show?
No, there'll be no reality show. I'm not going to eat a plate of bugs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I do not believe that you have to shock people to
get a laugh.
Please stand back. Please stand back. I don't want anyone to be hurt.
I do not want anyone to be hurt.
Hey, Uncle Joe! Grandma!
Hello, Norman.
Hey, Uncle Joe, I see your fishing pole there. They don't have a lake here, do
they?
Exactly like the one I used to take you to when you were a boy, you remember?
Hey, let's go catch some trout.
Would you like that, Norman? Would you like to spend your days in endless
tranquility,
try to fool the trout with a bit of floating feather?
Ah, there's nothing I'd like better.
Well, you can't do that. You've got to go back.
But I can't return. I just shot myself in the head at a press conference.
If I go back there now, I'll look like a damn fool.
Well, you have to go back. You have some unfinished business.
You have to do a comedy show.
What? A comedy show? Come on, guys.
Have you seen the shows I've done? They suck.
Let's face it. I'm just not that funny.
Oh, we know, Norman. We know. We know.
But you have to go back. You have things you have to do.
You guys don't seem to understand.
It doesn't matter in life if I was funny or not anymore.
As of five minutes ago, I became a comic legend.
They're going to be playing that shit on the Internet until the cows come home.
Now, let's go fishing, Uncle Joe.
Listen, you little punk.
Maybe you're out here so good.
I can be nice. I can be one damn son of a bitch.
So you go back there. Do that show.
Do that show.
Do the show.
Get me?
Uncle Joe, relax. I'll do the show, okay?
Well, folks, I know you're thinking, you're going,
Hey, Norm, why are you wearing a crazy get-up with some kind of a cave set
behind you?
Well, here's the thing.
Have you heard about these guys that strap themselves with explosions
and blow themselves and all these innocent people up?
Have you heard of these people?
Yeah.
Well, you'd think these guys would never get into heaven, right?
Wrong.
Not only do they go to heaven, but when they get there,
they get to have sex with 72 virgins.
It's ridiculous.
But, uh, anyways, I was wondering how they come up with the number 72,
because, uh, you know, I know it's a nice round number,
but it seems...
It's a number that seems a little arbitrary to me, you know,
so I wanted to get to the bottom of this,
so I did some research on the computer there.
I hit the, uh, you know, the www dot...
Why do these guys get 72 virgins when they get to heaven?
You know, that seems a little arbitrary to me.
Dot org.
So I found the answer.
I'm going to share it with you.
But instead of just telling you,
I thought it would be better to dramatize it
in the following playlet.
Check us out!
Oh, is it hot out there or what?
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Where is he?
Let the planning begin.
Yes.
Hey, fellas, what's up?
Oh, there he is, our hero.
Well-rested and ready to start his mission.
Yes, I am set to go.
Give me a hug, huh?
Ah!
Give me a hug!
Okay, Akbar.
Okay.
Well, let's go over the plan
to make sure we got it all straight, okay?
All right.
At rush hour,
you run to the corner of Camel and Boasis.
You start screaming something crazy
at the top of your lungs.
And then you push this button.
Okay.
Pretty simple.
Any questions?
No, no questions at all.
Just a few.
I was just wondering,
sir, so much explosives and dynamite,
won't people notice me putting them around the corner?
Also, how far can I be from Camel and Oasis
before I can safely press this button?
Akbar, don't you remember talking about being a martyr?
Oh, yes.
I want to be a martyr more than anything.
You do know what a martyr is?
Of course I know what a martyr is.
A martyr is a guy who blows up a lot of people.
Then he runs away.
He lives into a ripe old age
as a beloved hero,
enjoying his martyrdom.
No, Akbar,
that's not exactly what a martyr is.
Really?
Are you sure?
Because I always heard
it was a guy who blows a lot of people up
and then runs away
and lives to a ripe old age.
No, of course I'm sure.
I'm sure of what a martyr is.
A martyr is,
well, frankly,
someone who blows himself up.
Well, that last part sounds a little dangerous.
Listen, Youssef,
you're a nice fellow and everything,
but this is not for me.
Look, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if I was to make it worth your while?
Huh?
Well, I mean,
what if I said that
I would take care of your children
and your wife
for the rest of their lives?
Oh, no, no, no.
Akbar is not married.
You do not know Akbar.
Akbar likes to play the field.
As Akbar always says,
why buy the cow
when you can have sex
with many cows for free?
Oh, you like that, man?
Very funny, Akbar.
I always heard
you're quite a ladies' man.
Oh, well, I live in a cave
with no running water.
I do all right.
Wait a moment, huh?
Wait a moment.
What if I could
hook you up
in heaven?
In heaven?
Yes.
Imagine this.
Upon completion of your mission,
you will be greeted in heaven
by 25 hot ladies.
25.
25 hot ladies?
Oh, that sounds...
25 sounds a little low.
How about 100?
I do it for 100.
100?
Akbar, be reasonable.
I'm not a magician.
All right.
30 hot ladies.
That's my final offer.
30.
30 is an insult to me.
I consider doing it for...
95.
95?
You're killing me, Akbar.
I'm killing you.
That's rich.
Let me tell you something, Yusuf.
Right now,
91 hot ladies.
Or I take my business elsewhere.
All right.
Come on, Akbar.
Akbar.
Come on now.
What's it gonna take
for me to get you
into this vest today?
All right, Akbar.
72 of these.
Upon arrival in heaven,
you will be greeted
by 72 ladies.
Ha, ha, hey.
I'll tell you something else.
I don't want any whores
either, all right?
Having sex with all kinds
of martyrs.
I want virgins.
Virgins!
Virgins!
All right.
Virgins.
72 virgins.
All right.
Ha, ha, ha.
Excellent, excellent.
So be it.
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm going to be having sex
with 72 hot virgin ladies.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, oh.
Just one more thing, fellas.
I just wanted to tell you.
I would have done it for 50.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
See you later, suckers.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
So my wife got me
an interesting present
for my birthday.
Let's take a look
at what she got me
for my birthday.
Hey, there's the birthday boy.
How about some wine?
Ah, this is really sweet of you, honey,
but, jeez,
you didn't have to go
to anything special here.
Oh, no, mister,
I'm just getting started.
I got you that present
you've been wanting.
You got me the green shirt?
Oh, the other thing
you've been wanting.
Listen,
we've been married
almost two years,
and I know things can get
a little predictable
in the bedroom.
But I've given it
a lot of thought,
and I decided to give you
that thing you always wanted.
I don't know
what you're talking about,
Christine.
A threesome.
A threesome?
Oh, my God.
That's the greatest gift ever.
I can't believe you...
I mean,
why would you think
I'd want a threesome?
You have been dropping
a lot of hints.
I mean,
you mutter threesome
over and over
in your sleep.
You named your boat
threesome.
So, for your birthday,
I really wanted
to get you one.
Oh, wow.
Christine,
you're the greatest
wife in the world.
Oh, honey,
why don't you
see who that is?
Oh, yeah, okay, sure.
Oh, hi, Gwen.
Hi, Norm.
Hey, listen, Gwen.
We're kind of in the middle
of something right now.
You picked a real bad time,
so, hey,
maybe you can come back
tomorrow, huh?
Okay.
Bye, Gwen.
Man.
Talk about your dumb luck, huh?
We're trying to plan
our threesome,
and Gwen shows up.
Oh, Gwen was here
for the threesome.
Gwen?
Well, she would be
a terrible choice.
She is an awfully
good friend.
It could get awkward.
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to find us
a woman we don't know,
huh?
Well, wait,
Christy, Christy.
You don't understand.
You're more than
enough woman for me, honey.
Oh.
So, you don't want
a threesome anymore?
No, no, no.
I want a threesome,
but it's just
that when I'm talking
about a threesome,
I don't want another woman.
I want a guy.
What?
A guy.
A dude.
A man.
A fella.
Whoa.
Okay.
Oh, gosh.
I mean, you know what?
I'm not sure that's
something I want
to be a part of.
Well, why would you
be a part of it?
Because it's a threesome?
Oh, my God, Christine.
Do you even know
what a threesome is?
A threesome is me
and two other guys.
So, what am I supposed
to do while you're
having sex with
these two other guys?
Well, I don't know.
Hey, maybe you can
catch up on some
of that reading
you've been talking
about, as long as
you stay out
of that bedroom, okay?
Oh, hey, honey,
listen, you're not
going to just go out
and pick any two guys
at random there, are you?
What do you have in mind?
Oh, I don't have
anything in mind.
Nothing at all,
but just thinking
off the top of my head,
what about a really
handsome guy that
doesn't know he's handsome
and another guy that
looks just like your
brother?
Okay.
Okay, fine.
I'm a modern woman,
and if my husband
wants me to get him
two gay guys for his
birthday so we can
have sex with him,
that's what I'm
going to do.
You're the best.
Hot diggity dog,
I'm going to have
sex with two gay guys.
Gay guys?
What the?
No, Christine,
not gay guys.
What, do you think
I'm gay?
I just want,
I just want two
average, ordinary
Joes like me
to have hot,
filthy sex with.
These women.
Mrs. Virilson,
I'm Dr. Fredericks,
head of the burn unit.
I understand you're the
woman who set her
husband on fire while
he slept.
Yes, but you have
no idea the abuse I
put up with day after
day, year after year.
I had no choice.
He was a monster.
Well, I'm a doctor,
not a judge.
I'm just here to tell
you about your husband's
status, and quite
frankly, it's doubtful
he'll ever leave this
hospital.
Oh, my God.
He's been burned over
98% of his body.
The 2% that's not
burned is a small patch
on top of his head,
roughly the size of an
acorn.
That's fine.
Is he going to live?
He may survive, but
will he live?
I'm a doctor, not a
philosopher.
I simply don't have the
words to describe the
seething abyss of
infinite torment in which
your husband now lives.
Is he in a lot of pain?
Well, I'm a doctor, not a
poet, but all the
morphine that ever was
or ever will be would
be just a drop of rain
in the ocean of your
husband's pain.
He's in a lot of pain.
I have to see him.
All right, Mrs. Burleson,
as you will, but prepare
yourself.
You just s*** with the
wrong guy, bitch.
You just s*** with the
wrong guy.
All right, Mr. Burleson,
conserve your energy.
You think your big boy
is going to protect you,
bitch?
I don't think so.
You just s*** with the
wrong all right.
You're trying to ruin my
woman, bitch.
Anybody's going to ruin
anybody's bed.
I'll ruin you red, bitch.
You're just
match your back, woman.
I'll tell you that.
I've got a good line
to open the back of my
hand right now,
s***, bitch.
You better watch
yourself, woman,
because your ass is
grass, whore.
Good night, Roger.
Where you going, bitch?
She'll be back.
She'll be back.
She'll be back.
She's going to s*** with the
wrong people.
You guys are great.
You guys are great.
I could not for the life of me
figure out how to end the show.
It's one of the toughest
things to do.
But I thought that the
coolest ending in the history
of television, to me, is 60
minutes, because it has Andy
Rooney.
And I don't know if you've
ever seen that 60 minute show,
but holy Christ, man, you have
to plow through those first
57 minutes of those blowhards
talking about Rwanda or
some violinist or something.
Until finally you get to Andy
Rooney, which is the only reason
you watch the show.
So, anyways, I tried to get Andy
Rooney to do the show, but Mr.
Rooney would not do it.
We couldn't get Andy Rooney.
But we got the next best thing.
Me and heavy prosthetic makeup.
So, check this out.
Here's some Andy Rooney for you.
It seems everyone is doing drugs
nowadays.
I suppose one of the worst drugs
is heroin.
Or, as they call it in the street,
junk.
I don't know why they call
heroin junk.
I mean, it's not because it's cheap
or something you'd want to throw
away.
But when you think about it,
we all do drugs in one form
or another.
For instance, I like to drink coffee.
I know it's bad for me,
but I enjoy it.
Sometimes I'll have five or six
cups a day.
And coffee contains a drug
called caffeine.
So, I guess you could say
that I'm a drug addict.
Because every day, I do a drug
called caffeine.
And also peyote.
Some people do drugs
without even knowing
they're doing drugs.
At last year's Christmas party,
I put four rufinols
into Leslie Stahl's eggnog.
Then, I dragged her up here
to my office,
ate a handful of peyote,
and we had a little party
of our own.
The next day,
she remembered none of it,
so it was all just
harmless fun, really.
When someone thinks too highly
of themselves,
we say,
that fellow has a big head.
I remember one time,
in the midst of a three-week
peyote binge,
I looked over at Morley Safer,
and his head
was 40 feet wide.
I don't know if they have
a drug that could cure that.
Perhaps 300 cc's
of pure adrenaline
shot into the underside
of his balls.
All right, folks,
that's the show.
I want to thank you
for coming.
Very kind of you.
I want to thank
my good friend Rob Schneider
for doing it.
And I want to...
That's all, guys,
I want to thank.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Norm in 'Back to Norm'

Thank you for coming. Please turn off your cell phones and pagers. I have a
short statement to make.
My name is Norm MacDonald, and when I became a comedian, all I ever wanted to
do was make people laugh,
and perhaps make them think as well.
However, I've come to realize that failure has dogged me at every turn,
and that mediocrity has been my hallmark.
So it is, with a heavy heart, but a clear conscience, I've decided to retire
from show business.
Norm Marcus, what about a reality show?
No, there'll be no reality show. I'm not going to eat a plate of bugs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I do not believe that you have to shock people to
get a laugh.
Please stand back. Please stand back. I don't want anyone to be hurt.
I do not want anyone to be hurt.
Hey, Uncle Joe! Grandma!
Hello, Norman.
Hey, Uncle Joe, I see your fishing pole there. They don't have a lake here, do
they?
Exactly like the one I used to take you to when you were a boy, you remember?
Hey, let's go catch some trout.
Would you like that, Norman? Would you like to spend your days in endless
tranquility,
try to fool the trout with a bit of floating feather?
Ah, there's nothing I'd like better.
Well, you can't do that. You've got to go back.
But I can't return. I just shot myself in the head at a press conference.
If I go back there now, I'll look like a damn fool.
Well, you have to go back. You have some unfinished business.
You have to do a comedy show.
What? A comedy show? Come on, guys.
Have you seen the shows I've done? They suck.
Let's face it. I'm just not that funny.
Oh, we know, Norman. We know. We know.
But you have to go back. You have things you have to do.
You guys don't seem to understand.
It doesn't matter in life if I was funny or not anymore.
As of five minutes ago, I became a comic legend.
They're going to be playing that shit on the Internet until the cows come home.
Now, let's go fishing, Uncle Joe.
Listen, you little punk.
Maybe you're out here so good.
I can be nice. I can be one damn son of a bitch.
So you go back there. Do that show.
Do that show.
Do the show.
Get me?
Uncle Joe, relax. I'll do the show, okay?
Well, folks, I know you're thinking, you're going,
Hey, Norm, why are you wearing a crazy get-up with some kind of a cave set
behind you?
Well, here's the thing.
Have you heard about these guys that strap themselves with explosions
and blow themselves and all these innocent people up?
Have you heard of these people?
Yeah.
Well, you'd think these guys would never get into heaven, right?
Wrong.
Not only do they go to heaven, but when they get there,
they get to have sex with 72 virgins.
It's ridiculous.
But, uh, anyways, I was wondering how they come up with the number 72,
because, uh, you know, I know it's a nice round number,
but it seems...
It's a number that seems a little arbitrary to me, you know,
so I wanted to get to the bottom of this,
so I did some research on the computer there.
I hit the, uh, you know, the www dot...
Why do these guys get 72 virgins when they get to heaven?
You know, that seems a little arbitrary to me.
Dot org.
So I found the answer.
I'm going to share it with you.
But instead of just telling you,
I thought it would be better to dramatize it
in the following playlet.
Check us out!
Oh, is it hot out there or what?
All right.
Okay.
All right.
Where is he?
Let the planning begin.
Yes.
Hey, fellas, what's up?
Oh, there he is, our hero.
Well-rested and ready to start his mission.
Yes, I am set to go.
Give me a hug, huh?
Ah!
Give me a hug!
Okay, Akbar.
Okay.
Well, let's go over the plan
to make sure we got it all straight, okay?
All right.
At rush hour,
you run to the corner of Camel and Boasis.
You start screaming something crazy
at the top of your lungs.
And then you push this button.
Okay.
Pretty simple.
Any questions?
No, no questions at all.
Just a few.
I was just wondering,
sir, so much explosives and dynamite,
won't people notice me putting them around the corner?
Also, how far can I be from Camel and Oasis
before I can safely press this button?
Akbar, don't you remember talking about being a martyr?
Oh, yes.
I want to be a martyr more than anything.
You do know what a martyr is?
Of course I know what a martyr is.
A martyr is a guy who blows up a lot of people.
Then he runs away.
He lives into a ripe old age
as a beloved hero,
enjoying his martyrdom.
No, Akbar,
that's not exactly what a martyr is.
Really?
Are you sure?
Because I always heard
it was a guy who blows a lot of people up
and then runs away
and lives to a ripe old age.
No, of course I'm sure.
I'm sure of what a martyr is.
A martyr is,
well, frankly,
someone who blows himself up.
Well, that last part sounds a little dangerous.
Listen, Youssef,
you're a nice fellow and everything,
but this is not for me.
Look, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What if I was to make it worth your while?
Huh?
Well, I mean,
what if I said that
I would take care of your children
and your wife
for the rest of their lives?
Oh, no, no, no.
Akbar is not married.
You do not know Akbar.
Akbar likes to play the field.
As Akbar always says,
why buy the cow
when you can have sex
with many cows for free?
Oh, you like that, man?
Very funny, Akbar.
I always heard
you're quite a ladies' man.
Oh, well, I live in a cave
with no running water.
I do all right.
Wait a moment, huh?
Wait a moment.
What if I could
hook you up
in heaven?
In heaven?
Yes.
Imagine this.
Upon completion of your mission,
you will be greeted in heaven
by 25 hot ladies.
25.
25 hot ladies?
Oh, that sounds...
25 sounds a little low.
How about 100?
I do it for 100.
100?
Akbar, be reasonable.
I'm not a magician.
All right.
30 hot ladies.
That's my final offer.
30.
30 is an insult to me.
I consider doing it for...
95.
95?
You're killing me, Akbar.
I'm killing you.
That's rich.
Let me tell you something, Yusuf.
Right now,
91 hot ladies.
Or I take my business elsewhere.
All right.
Come on, Akbar.
Akbar.
Come on now.
What's it gonna take
for me to get you
into this vest today?
All right, Akbar.
72 of these.
Upon arrival in heaven,
you will be greeted
by 72 ladies.
Ha, ha, hey.
I'll tell you something else.
I don't want any whores
either, all right?
Having sex with all kinds
of martyrs.
I want virgins.
Virgins!
Virgins!
All right.
Virgins.
72 virgins.
All right.
Ha, ha, ha.
Excellent, excellent.
So be it.
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm going to be having sex
with 72 hot virgin ladies.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, oh.
Just one more thing, fellas.
I just wanted to tell you.
I would have done it for 50.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
See you later, suckers.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
So my wife got me
an interesting present
for my birthday.
Let's take a look
at what she got me
for my birthday.
Hey, there's the birthday boy.
How about some wine?
Ah, this is really sweet of you, honey,
but, jeez,
you didn't have to go
to anything special here.
Oh, no, mister,
I'm just getting started.
I got you that present
you've been wanting.
You got me the green shirt?
Oh, the other thing
you've been wanting.
Listen,
we've been married
almost two years,
and I know things can get
a little predictable
in the bedroom.
But I've given it
a lot of thought,
and I decided to give you
that thing you always wanted.
I don't know
what you're talking about,
Christine.
A threesome.
A threesome?
Oh, my God.
That's the greatest gift ever.
I can't believe you...
I mean,
why would you think
I'd want a threesome?
You have been dropping
a lot of hints.
I mean,
you mutter threesome
over and over
in your sleep.
You named your boat
threesome.
So, for your birthday,
I really wanted
to get you one.
Oh, wow.
Christine,
you're the greatest
wife in the world.
Oh, honey,
why don't you
see who that is?
Oh, yeah, okay, sure.
Oh, hi, Gwen.
Hi, Norm.
Hey, listen, Gwen.
We're kind of in the middle
of something right now.
You picked a real bad time,
so, hey,
maybe you can come back
tomorrow, huh?
Okay.
Bye, Gwen.
Man.
Talk about your dumb luck, huh?
We're trying to plan
our threesome,
and Gwen shows up.
Oh, Gwen was here
for the threesome.
Gwen?
Well, she would be
a terrible choice.
She is an awfully
good friend.
It could get awkward.
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to find us
a woman we don't know,
huh?
Well, wait,
Christy, Christy.
You don't understand.
You're more than
enough woman for me, honey.
Oh.
So, you don't want
a threesome anymore?
No, no, no.
I want a threesome,
but it's just
that when I'm talking
about a threesome,
I don't want another woman.
I want a guy.
What?
A guy.
A dude.
A man.
A fella.
Whoa.
Okay.
Oh, gosh.
I mean, you know what?
I'm not sure that's
something I want
to be a part of.
Well, why would you
be a part of it?
Because it's a threesome?
Oh, my God, Christine.
Do you even know
what a threesome is?
A threesome is me
and two other guys.
So, what am I supposed
to do while you're
having sex with
these two other guys?
Well, I don't know.
Hey, maybe you can
catch up on some
of that reading
you've been talking
about, as long as
you stay out
of that bedroom, okay?
Oh, hey, honey,
listen, you're not
going to just go out
and pick any two guys
at random there, are you?
What do you have in mind?
Oh, I don't have
anything in mind.
Nothing at all,
but just thinking
off the top of my head,
what about a really
handsome guy that
doesn't know he's handsome
and another guy that
looks just like your
brother?
Okay.
Okay, fine.
I'm a modern woman,
and if my husband
wants me to get him
two gay guys for his
birthday so we can
have sex with him,
that's what I'm
going to do.
You're the best.
Hot diggity dog,
I'm going to have
sex with two gay guys.
Gay guys?
What the?
No, Christine,
not gay guys.
What, do you think
I'm gay?
I just want,
I just want two
average, ordinary
Joes like me
to have hot,
filthy sex with.
These women.
Mrs. Virilson,
I'm Dr. Fredericks,
head of the burn unit.
I understand you're the
woman who set her
husband on fire while
he slept.
Yes, but you have
no idea the abuse I
put up with day after
day, year after year.
I had no choice.
He was a monster.
Well, I'm a doctor,
not a judge.
I'm just here to tell
you about your husband's
status, and quite
frankly, it's doubtful
he'll ever leave this
hospital.
Oh, my God.
He's been burned over
98% of his body.
The 2% that's not
burned is a small patch
on top of his head,
roughly the size of an
acorn.
That's fine.
Is he going to live?
He may survive, but
will he live?
I'm a doctor, not a
philosopher.
I simply don't have the
words to describe the
seething abyss of
infinite torment in which
your husband now lives.
Is he in a lot of pain?
Well, I'm a doctor, not a
poet, but all the
morphine that ever was
or ever will be would
be just a drop of rain
in the ocean of your
husband's pain.
He's in a lot of pain.
I have to see him.
All right, Mrs. Burleson,
as you will, but prepare
yourself.
You just s*** with the
wrong guy, bitch.
You just s*** with the
wrong guy.
All right, Mr. Burleson,
conserve your energy.
You think your big boy
is going to protect you,
bitch?
I don't think so.
You just s*** with the
wrong all right.
You're trying to ruin my
woman, bitch.
Anybody's going to ruin
anybody's bed.
I'll ruin you red, bitch.
You're just
match your back, woman.
I'll tell you that.
I've got a good line
to open the back of my
hand right now,
s***, bitch.
You better watch
yourself, woman,
because your ass is
grass, whore.
Good night, Roger.
Where you going, bitch?
She'll be back.
She'll be back.
She'll be back.
She's going to s*** with the
wrong people.
You guys are great.
You guys are great.
I could not for the life of me
figure out how to end the show.
It's one of the toughest
things to do.
But I thought that the
coolest ending in the history
of television, to me, is 60
minutes, because it has Andy
Rooney.
And I don't know if you've
ever seen that 60 minute show,
but holy Christ, man, you have
to plow through those first
57 minutes of those blowhards
talking about Rwanda or
some violinist or something.
Until finally you get to Andy
Rooney, which is the only reason
you watch the show.
So, anyways, I tried to get Andy
Rooney to do the show, but