Name: norm bootleg stand up 17
Uploaded: 2022-02-03T15:14:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg stand up 17' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg stand up 17' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-03. Transcript available.

norm bootleg stand up 17

Uh, uh, and, uh, thank you.
Uh, listen, man, I came here to take a bus tour, because I got free of it on a
plane.
Something happened on a plane, but I tell you, bus, the fucking bus ain't, uh,
safe even.
I think that's way more dangerous than an airplane.
He's like, ah, what happened? You know, every fucking mile, something happened.
And you're like, uh, hey, does anybody notice we're in fucking right behind
that goddamn truck?
Full of trembling logs, they look like they're fucking, you know, one piece of
twine holding them on.
And then you try to pass them, they're kind of weaving, and then...
You fall asleep, right?
You're like, we're drowning, I'm dying, I'm seven to me, three times so far.
We've only driven it like four times.
I'm sleeping, and every time I'm like, hey, what's going on?
You missed it, we almost died!
You're going to wake me up for that shit, man.
You want to miss my own death?
I'm looking forward to that, man.
Goddamn.
But the plane flight, when I went from Vegas to LA, where she would start,
which I said, I've got to get the bus, I've got to get a tour bus of some sort.
Because I don't know if I would want to go on a plane to turn it into so insane,
and so frightening and shit, and boy, I tell you, you're scared.
I go, I do certain things on the airplane, you know.
Like, for instance, I always pick the exits, the exit road.
What's it called?
Exit road.
Exit road.
Something.
You know what I'm talking about.
The emergency exit road.
And it's great, because you get a lot of extra late, and the only answer to get
it is to lie.
You lie.
And a stewardess walks up to you, not a stewardess.
Flight examiners, absolutely.
I use this dead language called English.
That's my problem.
It's very hard for me to communicate to people.
But when I was young, right, if you were a female flight attendant, we would
call you a stewardess.
And if you were a male flight attendant, we would call you a what?
A stewardess, you're a homophobic motherfucker.
You should fucking walk off stage.
Do you know how deeply you've offended me?
Offended me?
You think you're going to offend me?
What the fuck?
I see this gay American ass guy.
I see this gay American ass guy.
Hey, boy, I'm going to offend you.
I go, you fucking kidding me.
Right?
You're going to be kidding me.
You think you're going to offend me?
I have seen internet pornography.
You think I'm going to be offended by Anthony Jesselmich?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
And same with outrage.
It was late outrage.
You know, videotaping.
Please tell me how you're videotaping.
You know, videotaping.
Please tell me how you're videotaping.
What did I say?
The worst thing in the world.
The worst thing in the world.
The worst thing in the world.
But no, I'm not going to tell you what I really feel.
Let me crazy.
There's no place for that in the world.
You got private discourse now and public discourse.
You know what I mean?
You're at home.
That's where you tell people you trust what you feel.
And don't say I'm nothing like what you say outdoors.
You go outdoors and you go, yeah, what is there again now?
Uh, it was a man, but then it was a lady.
Of course I understand it.
What's not to understand?
Yeah, of course I can get my mind around that insanity.
Well, I come from a different generation.
I'll tell you an example.
When I was young, I thought I was a girl when I was a little boy.
I'll never forget that.
I said to my dad, when I was to my dad, and I said, "Hey Dad, I think, I really
feel like I'm a girl."
And he said, "Wait, I got a cock."
And I was like, "Oh yeah."
You got me.
I didn't get a cock.
I'll tell you that so you understand how hateful we were back then.
My father was hateful.
He also beat Hitler.
But people are complicated.
Filthy pig of a father.
Ain't the problem because everybody thinks they'd be different than the guy I'm
back in front.
They go, "God, fuck the people that had the fucking, you know, made the fucking
family fathers.
They owned slaves, you know."
Because you think, "I was Batman, I wouldn't own slaves."
We could do whatever the fuck everybody else does.
What the fuck are you talking about?
When do you become so fucking thinking for yourself?
You ever meet a person that found themselves?
Ever?
Why do you think progressive things?
Tell me one thing you think that nobody else thinks I don't know.
That's very progressive, I mean.
Think whatever the other fucker says.
I understand it's a way of getting along with the world.
You know what I mean?
It's like when you go and dress them.
You know what I mean?
Look at me.
They're gonna return.
But most people, they go, man, they go, "Well, what's in fashion?
You know?
What's everybody else wearing?
I'll give you that."
That's how people choose their opinions.
You don't think everybody chooses their opinions by themselves.
And they happen to be exactly the same.
Are you guys reading the thing about Jerry Falwell Jr.?
Did they really rip the lid out of this story?
Apparently, Jerry Falwell Jr., your son of Jerry Falwell, is against gay
marriage.
So, of course, people were shocked. How could a televangelist? And there's
children out there, young gay children, you know, and they hear stuff like that,
you know, there's a lot of suicide in them, because if you can't be who you are,
people are telling you that it's not a record.
So, you know, so I heard, you know, I heard Hillary Clinton come out and go,
there's no place in this society for these pigs, you know, like Jerry Fallow Jr.
to be against gay marriage, you know, and I think it's a challenge to be
against gay marriage.
Down syndrome.
But, is a young kid going to go, damn, I'm gay, but if only I can hold up, oh,
oh, Jerry Fallow Jr. is against it, uh, and I must be no good, I'm going to
kind of hang myself.
I don't believe that.
If you're a young gay child, 15 years old, you're trying to be who you are, you
know, it's a goddamn hard thing to do.
And then, the President of the United States, not only the President of the
United States, the hippest President of the United States of all time,
Barack Obama, tells you that gay marriage is wrong.
And these hypocritical motherfuckers get to go, Jerry Fallow Jr., this animal,
this, he doesn't believe in gay marriage.
Oh, my, this is the worst thing I've ever heard since I said it three years ago.
How far behind the time is this guy living?
Remember, was he living in 2016 or something?
Because they evolve all on the same day.
I was, whenever I gave you a good new mirror when I was a little kid, I thought,
I don't care.
So I'm better than everybody.
That's what makes a person good, now it is.
Man, I got to change my attitude because you got to be woke.
Woke up.
Sam, we flew in from Vegas, it was so fucking scary.
Oh, I was going to tell you about the, yeah, the stewardess.
Flight attendant, flight attendant.
So, the flight attendant says to you, now, if you go, uh, if the plane crashes,
you're right beside the emergency exit.
So, would you mind, like, letting other people out and kind of helping out?
And then you go, yes, I will do that.
I was going to ask you if I could do that.
That's the funny thing.
This is me.
I was after you.
The extra one and a half inches of the leg would be well worth it.
After you, man.
Black, blue, smoke racing down the juice glass.
Of course, in real life, I'd be kicking my mouth.
Get the fuck, you're a little whore.
You had a full life.
I used to be on the TV.
What the fuck are you thinking?
What the fuck are you thinking?
What the fuck are you thinking?
What the fuck are you thinking?
They just try to make you feel better, you know?
I've never heard this one.
I guess I blanked out or something.
I've never listened.
But they say now, they go, if the oxygen mask comes down, make sure to put it
on your own self before you put it on your little child.
And I was like, god damn, that was my plan.
It's a fucking black hole.
But the office could just do it to make you feel better, you know?
Yes, you know what?
Your seat is good for sitting on, but you know it's also a boat.
It's as good as a boat.
And you try, oh.
But you ever turn on a TV and it goes, hey, listen, a plane crashed into the
Pacific today.
Well, don't worry about it.
Everybody's floating around.
Hey, we're listening to the ladies.
Just a thing to make you feel.
And same with the emergency exit row, you know?
It don't matter on account of that plane goes down 900 miles an hour.
First of all, the location of that fucking window is going to be changing.
But secondly, you vaporize.
Like, they show pictures.
They'll take a camera and just put it on the plane because they would never do
it with a car accident.
With a plane accident, you go, god damn, I don't see any person.
Because there are none.
It's just a plane load of stuff.
That's all it is.
Ashes to ashes.
Stuff to stuff.
And so they go, god damn, I don't have a lot of stuff in this plane.
Holy crap.
We can't call it stuff.
Call it remains.
I have to tell you.
Now, the poor people that have met this horrific end, they have loved ones, you
know?
And the loved ones always want the remains, you know?
For some closure, you know what I mean?
They're like, god damn, I can't get to sleep ever since Billy died in that
plane crash.
God damn, that's all I can think of.
If only I could see them.
If only I could print that image on my ride.
And every night before I went to sleep, I just think of that.
Finally, I've had this whole thing.
Hey, you guys, how are you going to get your loved ones?
It's not, you know, they don't mind going, look, it's a strawberry blonde.
That reminds me of Agnes over there.
Didn't you get her thigh more early?
Okay, let's reconstruct.
They got it on time.
They go, come on, man, let's move it.
Daylight's burning.
Hey, hey, listen, man.
I just have an ID card here.
It says, Norm Mac Dunn, 190 pounds.
Shut up, 190 pounds is stuck in a bag.
Right, Norm?
It says, man, it says, man, it's not a problem.
Aw.
Then my brother gets it, ah, ha, ha, ha, excellent.
Now, America, am I looking so bad at you?
Jeez, I don't remember Norm having three eyeballs.
Now, I guess none of us knew him really.
But ultimately, I don't know, Paul, I reach to the other one.
I saw Larry King.
And I love Larry King.
That's wonderful, Larry King.
Coldest man I ever saw.
Intervaled another person.
Like, everything is dead.
So, he's interviewing a lady who lost her child three days earlier.
And she's timing how bad it is.
And out of the blue, Larry King goes, Paul Newman told me you never get over it.
I'm like, no.
But I understand it, man, because he's seen so much in his life.
The more I see, you know, it's like a fan.
You can't be offended.
You cannot be offended after seeing hardcore pornography on the Internet.
It's just impossible to offend you.
You know?
And I go, ah!
Ah, ah!
And I'm not sad about that.
I'm sad to say.
I am.
I am sad that I am not sad about things.
Especially when I see how sad other people are.
How devastated they are.
And I go, god damn, these people are deep.
And I don't have them.
Like, I'll turn on the TV and say, like,
1400 people died today in Mozambique when an earthquake clicked.
I get sad and devastated.
Like my cat, kitty.
She's 21 years old now.
God damn it.
I see her lymphoma, you know.
She had a stroke early on, and it breaks my heart.
I'm so sad.
But those 800 fudders and Mozambique were really funny ones.
Could not care, like so.
And it makes me feel even worse because other people are devastated.
I mean, I've seen people.
I've seen, like, a talk show host.
At the beginning of the show, they go, I'm devastated.
We're going to try to get through this show, but god damn it.
I don't know if I can do it.
I'm devastated.
We'll be back after the course, and then after the course, I'll be like,
AHH, EVERYBODY!
That seemed devastated, man.
Man, after you see porn, god damn it.
If anybody, it's impossible to think nobody has, but if any of you have never
seen pornography