Name: Norm Roast Bill Clinton
Uploaded: 2022-03-29T05:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Roast Bill Clinton' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-29. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Roast Bill Clinton' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-29. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Norm Roast Bill Clinton

Thank you, Dan, and congratulations again to our colleagues at CNN.
Now, it is my honor to introduce the President of the United States.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, members of Congress, members of the
press, fellow sufferers.
I would like to thank the Radio and Television Correspondence Association for
inviting me this evening.
I want to give Terry Murphy a special thanks for the kind introduction,
and also, given my condition, I'd like to give a special thank you to the Ridgewell
Catering Company for bringing me here tonight.
Enough laughs.
I have come here tonight to speak about a topic of perennial concern in
Washington,
something we never get around to doing anything about,
and that is the close, some would even say cozy, relationship
between the rarefied elites who make public policy and those who report on it.
And on that topic, just let me say this.
Congratulations, Andrea.
You know, that fellow standing next to you in the newspaper photos a few days
ago,
he looked exactly like Alan Greenspan,
only exuberant.
I want all of you to know that until recently I had planned out a really
dramatic entrance to this dinner.
And then George Bush stole my thunder.
I mean, look at this.
This guy is 72 years old.
He jumps out of a plane at 12,000 feet.
He lands without a scratch.
I fall six inches, and I'm crippled up for six months.
Ridiculous.
Now, as you might imagine, my injured knee adds complications to my schedule.
In fact, you know, just when I was on the way over here tonight...
As you have seen, my press secretary, Mike McCurry, just handed me a note.
According to wire reports,
former President Bush has just bungee jumped off the Seattle Space Needle.
That reminds me, I was supposed to make another announcement tonight.
Mr. Murphy has asked me to tell you that the Radio and Television Correspondents
Association
has decided to adopt the practices of the Democratic National Committee.
That means you can all pick up your $1,000 refund checks on the way out tonight.
You know, I'm getting a little sick of these fundraising stories.
But here I am.
I'm doing the best to do the job the American people sent me here to do.
But with all this ruckus in Washington these days,
we have to work harder and harder to sort of be heard through the den.
So my staff worked up a few new ideas that we thought might break through.
I want you to be the judge.
After all, it's your den.
Here are the suggestions.
Take a cue from the TV show, Ellen.
Start a rumor that in the last presidential press conference of the season,
my character will become a libertarian.
Announce that we discovered signs of life on Mars.
We already tried that.
And some of you bought it.
I couldn't believe it.
Announce that I will fight Evander Holyfield.
Anytime, anyplace.
Here's the vice president's suggestion.
Sign an executive order hiring people on welfare
to install computers in our nation's classrooms,
to email messages to neighborhood watch volunteers,
to use their cell phones to call 100,000 community police officers,
to remind the one million literacy tutors to show up for work.
If all else fails, push myself down a flight of stairs.
As you know, that's the one we decided to go with.
It worked for a while, and I'd do it again.
I may have to.
Thank you very much, Mike.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you'll be pleased to learn that former President Bush
has just successfully jumped the Snake River Canyon
on a rocket-powered motorcycle.
Now he's just taunting me.
You know, one of the results of being bummed up for a while
is that I've gotten to watch a lot more television than normal,
and I spent a day in the hospital
just sort of channel-flipping, surfing,
that's what you call it now.
And I was amazed at the way
all these different channels struggle
to accurately but uniquely cover my surgery.
C-SPAN, of course,
provided live uninterrupted coverage of my injured knee,
while C-SPAN 2 devoted full coverage to my other knee.
Within an hour of the accident,
CNN had composed ominous theme music
and put up a graphic,
Breaking News, Breaking Knees.
I knew it was going to be a major story
when their headline news
devoted a full five seconds to it.
MSNBC immediately proclaimed itself
the state-of-the-art Global Interactive Command Center
for all leg-related news.
ESPN broke into the North Carolina-Colorado basketball game
with a breathless bulletin
that Greg Norman was just fine.
PBS kept interrupting coverage of my knee for pledge drives.
For every hundred-dollar donation,
you got a commemorative x-ray of my leg.
Bob Novak went on Crossfire
to argue the positive aspects
of debilitating knee injuries for Democrats.
Then there was MTV.
All they wanted to know was,
did I wear a hospital gown or pajamas?
Another one.
Thank you, Mike.
Ladies and gentlemen,
President Bush has just had himself manacled,
placed inside a padlocked trunk,
and submerged off the coast of Kennebunkport.
The clock is ticking.
The clock is ticking.
Our prayers are with him.
Anyway,
I'm back on my feet,
and I'm working for the American people.
Congress is basking session this week.
That came as a surprise to people in Washington
who didn't know it was away.
Things have been so slow this year,
C-SPAN's actually showing reruns
of the 104th Congress.
We can't get agreement to change the Consumer Price Index.
That's the hang-up on this whole budget deal.
And there are Democrats and Republicans in the House
that are scared to death of it.
But, you know,
a small change in the CPI
could shave billions of dollars from the deficit,
add years and years to the life of the Social Security Trust Fund.
Now, I know this is a complicated issue for some people,
and I've been looking for some simple way to explain it.
And so consider how we might re-index some other statistics.
For example,
a report said last month
that we Americans are the heaviest people in the world.
Working together,
reaching across party lines,
we can change all that.
Instead of 16 ounces to a pound,
we'll say there's 20.
That way,
a person who weighs 260 pounds
would weigh 160.
200 pounds would weigh 160.
Think about it.
Overnight,
Democrats and Republicans
can make America the thinnest nation in the world.
Let me tell you,
I'm doing the best I can,
but actually I'm kind of hurting.
The worst thing about this injury
is it's hard to stand for long periods of time.
And about this time,
I start to get tired.
So I'm going to
sort of sit down with a confession.
When I signed that executive order
banning cloning research,
it was too late
to do anything about
an experiment or two
that had already been started.
But one of them
has come in handy
in moments like this.
Bill, would you mind?
Bill, would you mind?
Mr. President,
have a seat.
By the way, I'd appreciate it
if you'd refer to me
as Mr. President.
I think you've earned it.
Mr. President,
members of the House and Senate,
ladies and gentlemen,
as you can see,
I'm also Bill Clinton.
typically, when I come in to mop up
at the end of an event like this,
I'll just finish reading
from some prepared text
and say things like,
we must find common ground.
We're going to build a bridge
to the 21st century.
I'll have to refer you
to Lanny Davis on that one.
Yada, yada, yada.
Mr. President,
Mr. President.
This is odd.
Evidently, George Bush
has successfully escaped
and has been spotted
swimming toward the coast of Maine.
The hell does that mean?
What is that?
Well, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
You know what I would like
to tell you all about tonight?
How much I...
Hey.
How much I hate
waiting around to see
if I'm going to pinch hit
for him today.
It's demeaning.
It's dehumanizing.
I don't know how Al Gore
has put up with it
all these years.
Ha, ha!
But I...
I shouldn't complain.
I mean, if you're going
to be a clone,
you could do...
You're not going to do
a whole lot better
than being a clone
of the President
of the United States.
The key to being a clone
is making sure
you're the clone
of somebody cool.
Let's face it.
This gig could be
a whole lot worse.
Imagine waking up
and finding out
you're a Bob Dornan clone.
Sitting up all night
counting votes.
It is not for the squeamish.
I did get some, uh...
some work done.
I...
I had a meeting
with, uh...
the members of Congress
about some, uh...
chemical weapons...
some treaty type thing.
Mr. President,
uh...
remind me.
Are we for that
or against it?
We're for it up.
I'll tell you what,
I do love that red phone.
Ha, ha!
Oh, by the way,
maybe you ought to be
the one to call
Yeltsin back
and apologize.
Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
Ha, ha!
if I call him again I'll just make it worse
I'll come back up here Mr. President of the United States
I have to take this over before it gets out of hand
God knows I can't afford to jeopardize my relationship with the press corps
but I want to thank you Bill
Mr. President
by the way I wrote up a to-do list for you for the next couple of days
as usual there's the morning jog
you have to do that now
tomorrow at 3.30 I have a conflict
I have a root canal appointment and a press conference in the east room
I know it's going to hurt
but would you mind doing the press conference
no wait a minute
I couldn't ask anybody else to do that
even me
actually I enjoy these press conferences
and I
I enjoy coming here every year
I thank you all for what you've done
to sustain our democracy for nearly 225 years
our country is still a work in progress
and I look forward to building on that progress with you
I even look forward to these dinners
and I really wouldn't want to send anyone else in my place
so I want to thank all of you for having Hillary
me
and me here this evening
in closing let me say
we must find common ground
we are going to build that bridge to the 21st century
I do have to refer you to Lanny Davis on that one
yada yada yada
good night and thank you very much
thank you very much for having me on that one
thank you very much for having me on that one
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thank you very much for having me on that one
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