Name: norm bootleg 27
Uploaded: 2022-04-14T05:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 27' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-14. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 27' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-14. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

norm bootleg 27

Alright, you guys ready to see the baby you came to see?
Alright, I'm going to sing it loud, Norm McDonnell!
Alright, it's a great show.
Hey, what about Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald?
Please stand up.
He's so high.
He's such a great veterinarian, you know?
And Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald, fantastic guy.
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong with that?
Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald.
I love his boyfriend.
He's also a doctor.
Dr. Gerald Fitzgerald.
It's a...
He's not gay, he's a wonderful boyfriend.
Wonderful girlfriend, but...
It was funny you mentioned Jehovah's Witnesses, you know?
It was my mother, strict Jehovah's Witnesses, Jehovah's Key Witness.
Oh yeah!
None of that's true, none of that's true.
So great to be in Denver.
Beautiful vistas, you know?
Seatry, you know?
Yeah, not us, there's no us.
They leave that out of the brochure.
And sometimes I wonder if that is what...
Why the beautiful vistas are there.
It's just hallucinations.
It was so cool last night.
So they put me up in a...
Not a hotel, what the fuck is over there?
And it's a...
It's an apartment building.
So instead of, you know, putting me up in a hotel,
they buy an apartment building, let it appreciate.
While you go in, I don't know.
And so it's so hot.
It's so hot.
So you're living in like an old lady's apartment.
And it's so hot.
Like incredibly hot.
Then I go outside, lashing cold.
You know?
And then I go to Montana Ted's.
I like eating bison.
And it's deadly hot.
Then I come back into the whipping cold.
And try to digest a bison, you know?
Maybe I actually have a bison.
The guy drives us, you know, he picked us up.
And drove us to here.
You know what I mean?
Whatever it is here.
It's messed up.
It's a weird, like, it's a song thing.
You know what I mean?
Like there's buildings.
And here's a movie theater.
Here's...
There's a place right beside us.
Here's the title of the place.
Onus.
O-N-U-S.
Right?
So, if you made a sign that was O-N-U-S.
You want that O to look like it, right?
It's gross, you know?
It's not like, you know.
It's gross, you know?
It's not like, you know.
It's gross, you know?
It's not like...
It's gross, you know?
It's not like...
It's gross, you know?
It's not like...
It's gross, you know?
It's gross, you know?
It's gross, you know?
It's gross, you know?
It's gross, you know?
It's gross.
But anyways, listen, I'm old. I'm old and I get worried about another box. I'm
going to have a heart attack, all this stuff. You know what I mean? I never
used to worry about it. Now I'm old. I was once young and now I'm old. You know
what I mean? The old saying goes, there's no old saying. We're saying of all
time. But I don't mind being old, you know?
Like young people, I always think they got it over you if they're young and you're
old. But they don't realize they're young, you are, you've been young and old.
They've been young, what the fuck is that?
My kid goes and tells me, you're 18 years old. I'm like, what the fuck?
You guys know what I mean?
Twelve years ago, you were six.
Old man, I tell you, I'm used to, you know, sometimes, you know, I feel like I'm
an old man trying to play a young man's game.
You know what I mean?
That's, uh, well, you know, lying down to ladies, I'm doing that.
You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
Well, you play hockey, you know what I mean?
You can't understand it.
This is a young man being a woman's game.
Really, right?
There's nothing funny out of young women.
I mean, we all know that.
What's your name?
Josh, right?
Remember about when you were a young kid?
Is that your buddy?
Yeah.
About when you were a long time?
Yeah.
How long?
Two years.
What?
About two years.
Cool, man.
So you remember when you were, like, 16 years old, fucking smoking dope with
your buddy, drunk and shit, right?
Remember when one of you turned to the other guy, go, God damn, we're having a
fun time.
We should invite over Olivia.
Yeah.
That's the funniest.
I don't know if I live in a pretend world.
But anyways, old man, trying to, you know, it's time, man.
Nothing can be done, but it's time, you know?
Snow gets a little steeper, you know what I mean?
Steeper.
I remember he said it's gone.
Steeper becomes deeper.
Maybe I had sex with a lady, you know?
She's, like, harder and faster, you know, deeper, though.
I got to bring in on another guy.
All this is for memory.
I retired from laying down to have a lady.
Came here, a guy drove in the car, got picked us up at the airport.
I'm in Las Vegas, Nevada, got picked us up, drove us at this thing, whatever.
And, uh, and, uh, the entire time the guy's just bragging about fucking Denver.
I'm like, I don't know.
I guess that's all right, you know?
But, uh, the guy's like, oh, you know what's great about Denver?
I don't know what.
There's no one's racist.
I'm like, eh, really?
I don't know.
I guess, but, uh, uh, but then, as I'm driving, I suddenly notice them.
I'm like, man, I'm like, everyone's white.
So I say to the driver, right, I go, well, I go, it's not that, you know, not
that hard
to be not racist, but there's no black people.
This guy says, we got our share.
I don't know if you know that it's the job to drive cars.
All of it is racist.
You go to give him cab races, you have to pass some fucking test to drive a
race car.
I remember driving, you know, you're getting that fucking, uh, you know, that
game of Scruples,
like, you gotta figure it out, you know what I mean?
You're getting that parrot out where you're in a cab, right?
And the guy starts being racist, you gotta get home, you know what I mean?
So, when I was young, I lived way in the fucking suburbs, right?
And there's a big stretch of nothingness between the town and the suburbs, so I
had to take
cab, and, you know, I'd get in the middle of nowhere, you know?
And that guy, I'd start with the racist stuff, you know?
So what do you do, you try to correct him?
You know, because that's the ethical thing to do.
I agreed with him.
But I was very careful never to say anything, like, I, I, I just agree.
That's awesome.
I know it wasn't the right thing, but I didn't feel like being on fucking crossfire.
I just wanted to, you know, get home.
And it's not good, because that's why a guy's racist, because everybody's like
me.
Everyone agrees with him.
They get what he's got.
They start seeing them a little different.
But, you know, he starts saying, he starts saying, it's a bad thing.
You know, you're like, yeah, you have the right idea.
It's right over here in the corner.
Terrible, terrible.
What about when there's racist, but you don't know what race?
You know, these fucking words you never, you know?
That one guy, I remember, he told me, he said, you know what the problem is,
don't you?
I'm like, I don't know.
Too many brindle heads.
They have to know who I hate.
I don't know what that is.
So I get home, I look up, brindle, there's no brindle head in the OED.
And then even brindle is some weird, you know what I'm saying.
There's so many of them.
All I knew about it was there's too many of them.
You know what I was saying in this world, a little better place?
Less brindle heads.
It was only that easy, yeah?
Sometimes I need to go with profile and shit like that, you know what I mean?
Because they go like, you know, because they, you know, fucking, you know,
start looking at my grandmother's asshole or something.
You know, and they're like, it could be anybody.
And you're like, you know, really.
But, because you don't want a profile, you know, but in a way, that's good.
Like, like 9-11, right?
It was all like swarthy men from the Middle East.
Imagine 9-11 was 19 people.
One of them was my grandmother.
Another was a child.
Another was a priest.
Another guy from Scandinavia.
A Jew.
Another guy from the Middle East.
That'd be the worst fucking thing ever.
Much better that they all look alike.
Much better.
But to be honest with you, this is my biggest fear.
Because I hate this Islamophobia that's going on.
I think it's just the fucking most grotesque thing.
And really, probably my biggest fear, the thing that keeps me awake at night,
is what would happen.
Imagine this.
A terrorist group gets its hand on a dirty bomb from a rogue government.
They set that dirty bomb off over the eastern seaboard, right?
And it hits all these very populous cities.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
Because imagine the backlash against innocent Muslims in this country.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills four or five million Americans.
And it kills five or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or five.
And it kills four or six.
That guy's a motherfucker.
He's the baddest guy I've ever seen.
I heard about this next suicide by cop.
That's when a guy just at the end of his rope,
instead of killing himself,
he just runs out and starts shooting, you know?
Just placed around by cops.
Walks out there and starts shooting.
And have you ever heard of that suicide by cop?
Last week I heard a guy did it.
A black guy.
He broke his tail leg.
I'm going to spell that joke.
I'm some fag ad.
I don't know.
But I have no politics.
You know, I try to think.
I try to figure out common sense and shit.
But I got no opinion.
Anything else about it?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I got no opinions.
I got views.
Everybody fucking got an opinion on everything.
You're supposed to have an opinion on everything.
You know what I mean?
Like when I was a kid,
I don't know,
people would have maybe,
I don't know,
six, seven opinions.
I don't know.
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