Name: norm bootleg 26
Uploaded: 2022-04-16T05:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 26' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-16. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 26' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-16. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

norm bootleg 26

Without further ado, are you ready for your headliner?
Elvis Costello, ladies and gentlemen.
Elvis Costello now coming to the stage.
Is he here, sir?
Yeah, okay. Anyway, what's going on with you guys?
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do another 45.
That's cool with you guys.
Uh, it's like...
Let me hear you, let me hear you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Noah McDonald!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey!
Um...
Talk to me, pal.
You're alright, okay?
You're alright.
You're alright.
You're alright, okay?
Um...
It's funny, um...
I was on a show of Carson Daly, right?
And, uh, I'd done a movie, and so they had a show of MTV.
It was real big.
Remember when people used to watch that?
And so...
And I, uh, had a movie, and so I went, they go, "You gotta do Carson Daly."
You gotta...
And I was a young kid, you know, they said, the way they put it is, "You should
do Carson."
And I was like, "Yes!"
That's always been my dream, ever since I was young.
Like, you know, disc jockeys tell them, so...
So I'm on the beach, it's a beach, a beach house with Carson Daly, or some kind
of thing.
It was all sand.
And I'm wearing, like, a leather jacket, and, like, I don't...
I don't like my body.
Why don't I...
So, and I'm all out of shape.
Everybody there, like, 19, beautiful, I mean.
So then, uh, fuckin' Carson Daly thinks they're giving me a funny video.
He's like, "Norm, by the end of the week, we're getting some, uh, some swimming
trunks."
He didn't say trunks, you know.
And I'm like, "Nah, nah, nah, it's not gonna happen," you know.
Might as well abandon that thought, you know.
So, then he's like, "Hey, uh, the commercial is going to pass around in the pot,
better get some money going on."
I'm like, "Nah, this bit, we shouldn't do this bit no more."
Then we come back, and he'd go, "Hey, let's pass out some money, maybe get some
Norm, Norm into some Speedos."
Not Speedos, am I right?
Like, he's going, "Well, this is not going anywhere."
Like, you know, we were doing, like, a week-long show, so I said, "We shouldn't
build it all up."
And in the end, I don't do nothing.
But he thought I was going to do it, so anyways.
On the final day, he said, "Alright, well, we've been watching all week to see
if Norm will, you know, wear some swimming clothes."
And I'm like, "No, I don't want to do it."
He's like, "How about we have a little, uh, uh, you know, a little, uh, dance
for him, you know, a fashion show."
So, two guys, you know, they've got thongs on, so they're asses on me.
And they're dancing, and I'm, like, sitting on the chair, and I'm, like, trying
to pretend like that's cool, man.
Don't do that part of me.
So then the guy, and then Carcilli picks up the money, and the money from
trying to talk me into it.
He goes, "A hundred and fifty bucks in this, either one of you that want to
give Norm a lap dance."
And they both come running at me, and I'm like, "It was on the television and
shit, so..."
And I'm like, "Oh wait, like, uh, in a half a minute, like, a guy's gonna be
grinding his fucking ass on my cock."
And I'm like, "That can't look good on my reel."
And then, uh, like me punching a guy in a speedo, that's like a little bit.
That's gonna look even worse.
So, but I had to decide. I only had, like, five seconds since the guy was
running so fast.
So I just ran away, even though it was by far the best of the three choices.
And I still, I just paid for it.
'Cause when we came back, everybody was like, "Ah, Norm the homophobe."
People think he's gay or something.
He lets a guy rub his ass in his face.
Deeply closeted.
Deeply closeted gay.
We, uh, caught ourselves, uh, uh, DGC, DCGs.
Deeply closeted gay.
And, uh, here's the thing.
Yeah, you were a secret gay.
And then, uh, here's the fucking problem.
Nobody knows who's in the fucking group.
You know what I mean?
So we have a community and we never know who else is ever here.
You and you're just like, "Ah, forget her."
Whatever.
It's not a great community.
Sure.
You should be back.
Best of the line.
Always living a lot.
If people don't understand, here's what people don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand.
Here's what people don't understand about deeply closeted gay guys.
Oh, thanks a lot, man.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
Is that, uh, they're always, uh, they always, uh, because they don't know
enough about our, uh, group.
A community.
A community.
A community.
A community of deeply closeted gay guys.
A community of deeply closeted gay guys.
So they, uh, they tend to, because they're ignorant, they call you gay.
You know what I mean?
They call you gay.
You know what I mean?
So many times I've had this conversation.
Oh, a very closeted gay man.
And they go, "Oh, I didn't know you were gay."
And I'm like, "I'm not gay.
What the fuck is wrong with your hearing?"
I don't like gay people.
You're closeted gay.
It's a tough thing to be.
I'm saying that.
I got married, you know?
Keep up appearances, you know?
So you gotta do a lot of shit like that.
And, uh, Ruth.
Oh, god damn.
I'm not gay.
I'm not gay.
I'm not gay.
What the fuck is wrong with your hearing?
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay people.
I don't like gay.
It's a tough thing to be.
I'm saying that.
I got married, you know?
I keep up appearances, you know?
So you gotta do a lot of shit like that.
Oh, god damn.
You know, I know, like, the differences between men and women in a relationship
may be kind
of hacked, you know?
Material for a comedian.
But this comes from a guy who's a deeply closeted gay guy.
It's a different something you haven't heard, you know?
Like, I know the difference between, you know?
Like, after sex, you know, Ruth likes to cuddle.
I like to vomit.
I like to vomit.
She's a good-looking lady, but I find her sexually repulsive.
That's a nice lady.
So she cuddles.
I vomit.
Sometimes I vanish.
Sometimes I'll just vanish, and then, you know, a couple days later, I come
back, and we're just like, "Where were you?"
I'm like, "I was getting a...
It was a cat."
And I kind of brought back the house, and I'm like, "Ah, I'm looking for that
cat."
And I go, "Ah."
And she's like, "How long that day?"
"Ah, 20 minutes or something?"
I'm like, "You've been gone two days."
And I'm like, "No, it's a cat."
I mean, that's the whole thing.
People do different things.
Like, I was, uh...
It has enough fire and shit.
And so I was like, "Get some water."
You know, throw the water in the fire.
And then, uh...
And the other one was like, "That's the guy, the cat."
You know?
I was like, "Whatever."
I'm like, "Whatever."
I'm like, "Whatever."
I'm like, "Whatever."
You know?
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"Whatever."
"That story."
"You know?"
"I don't know.
"You're alright.
It's bad."
"You know?"
"She was out on the edge."
"I don't know.
"An hour."
"I don't know.
"You've been gone for two days."
"What?"
"I was telling you about the can."
"Sucked off a guy in a purse."
"He's talking about these Christians all the time."
"What are these Christians women?"
"Parks!"
"Parks!"
"Parks!"
"Parks!"
"Is one of the things I've found most different since my days."
"Before I came out."
"You know?"
"But, you know, for a straight guy, you go to a park."
"Hey!"
"Park time, man.
"Let's get out that potato salad and antide in it."
"Oh, you put mustard in it."
"And then don't forget about this."
"Hey, I hope there's no ants."
"That would ruin everything."
"That would ruin everything."
"Anne's family would try to have fun, right?"
"Meanwhile, I'm not a tree."
"Ahhh!"
"Hey, hey, hey, hey!"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on? I was just talking to my kid. I'm having a
picnic. That's like capers of mustard. That's the code. Don't do that no more.
No, no. Whatever.
I don't make no coin off it. It's love. You ever hear that expression? I would
like to make love to you up your asshole.
You would agree with that, right?
I don't know, so I'm about to go right together.
It's funny, because when you get up here at the seminary, it's like, I'm an old
man.
So I can't, you know.
My cock hasn't worked for a long time.
I'm an old man.
That's a good thing.
First of all, it's hard enough for me, you know, to get an erection, like even
doing tax time or something like that.
Let alone if the girl hated my guts that I was trying to lay down on top of.
I think it would be hard for me to get real excited if she tried to scratch my
eyeballs out.
I'd go, oh, listen, if you're really not into it, I...
No, that's about 90% of it to me is how much the girl likes me.
I can look around a lot if the girl likes me, you know what I mean?
I'd go, well, she's, you know, not using it on the eyes, I guess.
I guess when she kept saying she liked me the whole time, she looked better.
Imagine a girl who don't like you at all.
I remember one time there was this girl and she was like, she's everybody into
different things.
Like, I'm just into finding a girl, lying down atop her for a while, you know,
I don't know, just as ordinary as you can imagine.
And then I don't like it when something else comes up.
And one time there was this girl, she's like, she's whispering in my ear, she's
like, you like it rough.
I'm like, yes, but I don't.
But I didn't want her, I didn't want to go, no.
And then she's like, goes, so I go, yeah.
Like, you're the worst thing ever.
Because I'm not strong, you know.
So she's like resisting it, but I'm not doing anything.
I'm like, going around and wrestling with it, and my neck.
I'm not a good neck.
Anyways, I could never, you know, achieve an erection while I'm worried about
my neck.
Everything has to be just perfect.
Or to work at all, you know.
A lot of things have to be in play at the same time.
Sometimes I eat them pills, but I never had them.
It scared me too much.
Because of the heart thing, you know.
I could relax with a girl with my heart, thinking about my heart the whole time.
And God forbid four hours ever pass.
I'd rather shoot myself in the head than phone a fucking doctor.
Say, hey doc, yeah, listen, I know I don't know you that much, but your fucking
cock is rock hard.
It's been hard for like four hours.
What?
No, I don't want to go to your fucking place.
Yeah, so I have to phone you.
Yeah, with the cock, you know, the, you heard of my fucking emergency, like, hi,
hello?
See a lot of gunshot words, and I don't know if you can see over the, over the,
the cock.
It's always hard.
Why do I have to go in and laugh?
I'm sure I got so filthy, you know.
I blame myself a little bit.
I think, like, porn wrecked my ability for, you know, actual sex life where I
just.
Cause I used to be happy, I'd lie down on top of a lady, everything would be
fine.
And then the girls liked that, you know, because it wasn't, they knew there
wasn't going to be anything weird, you know,
their new, their feet were not going to be involved in.
That's part of the books.
Sorry, a guy should tell you that early in the day, you know what I mean, if
you're a girl or something like that, you know.
You go, well, you know, you don't wait a long time until the, you know, you're
hopelessly in love with the person, you know.
And they're like, well, Gretchen, I guess I, I guess I would take a blind fool
not to see that I have feelings for you.
I'm not sure I'm going to go out without you.
I hope you'll do me the service of always being with you.
God, Earl, yes.
All right, well.
I'll be jizzing on your foot tonight.
Why do you make me love you and everything?
Yeah, I had to.
I heard it earlier when I told you.
I can't say it right away.
I'm going to have to find a girl, let alone you have these weird things.
A porno wrecked it for me because it was too cra