Name: norm bootleg 25
Uploaded: 2022-04-18T05:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 25' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-18. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 25' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-18. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

norm bootleg 25

You ready for Norm Macdonald?
Norm and I started out together again.
I'm just going to introduce you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Norm Macdonald!
Yeah, okay, alright.
I appreciate it, girl.
God damn, what the fuck?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but this is hard to work.
I have a job that you only have to know about three things,
and I don't know about one.
Listen, guys, what the fuck is this shit?
Oh, ladies' gray hair.
How'd that get out of my throat?
What the fuck?
Let me just be quite right, yeah?
It has to be perfect, you know?
You know what I mean?
You guys look good.
You're looking down too low, though.
I should be down there.
I feel...
You want me to come down?
I don't know if I could make the jump.
I used...
I used...
When I was young, I could make that jump.
Can you guys hear me?
I was unsure, because I don't know.
But, yeah, I could make that jump, I tell you.
When I was young, god damn, you should see me when I was young.
But I'm old now, and not young.
So, if I jumped when I was young, I'd go, god damn, I jumped that, and I'd feel
good.
And now I think, I jumped that, and, you know, bones would crack.
Split sideways.
You think about when you're real young.
Remember when you were so young that you were, like, a fucking superhero?
Like, you're so...
I, when I was young, I was...
At one time, I remember, a tooth came out, knocked out of my mouth,
and another tooth came, grew in.
So, and now, with a tooth knocked out, I'd just, uh, drink soup for a while.
That's all you get, uh, that god damn, uh, guy to see me.
Dentist, he's a dentist.
Yeah, when you get old, man, that will bum you out, right?
Because you'll all get old, you know?
But, uh, you start thinking different.
Like, a lot of times,
I, I think, uh, uh, my imminent death.
It's not a lot of times ruminating by that.
And, uh, like, I, like, I, I, when something happens, like,
I spend a lot of time checking out my left arm.
I go, how did my left arm feel like today?
Because sometimes it feels weird, and then I go, oh.
Because symptoms, the thing about symptoms, this is probably the symptoms.
Does that look like a WebMD or not?
Like, the symptom, like, if you, you know, the symptom, if you have indigestion,
that's a symptom of a massive heart attack.
But it's also the symptom of indigestion, so.
You don't know what the fuck to do.
You don't want to go to 911 and then fart.
And then the guy goes, what the fuck, you come here for that?
Yeah, sorry about that.
Well, get the fuck out of here.
But, you know, so you're too embarrassed, so you just die at home.
With perfectly good digestion.
I like casinos.
I, I, I had a problem for a while with gambling.
I think I'm over it, but, um, um, um, I don't know, um, I think it's because I'm
feeling, you know, I feel good.
People think sometimes I'm a hypochondriac, but it's just being old.
I swear to God.
I had, one time I had a pap smear.
They might have got their idea.
No, I didn't.
That was a joke.
But, um, but I, uh, I don't even know why I said it, because I was talking
about casino and gambling.
And then I don't know why I said that.
But I was, uh, I like gambling.
And, uh, what the fuck's that smoking shit?
I'm not going to start moonwalking right now.
I don't expect, I don't expect anything I can say.
I don't know what it is.
The, uh, steely Dan will be on the table.
But, uh, no, I do, I did gamble a little compulsively for a while.
And, uh, I'll tell you, I'll tell you when you know you've got a gambling
problem, is when pit bosses are your friends.
They like you.
That's never a good sign, because these people do not like, uh, they're not,
you know, usually affable fellows.
So, uh, suddenly you're your best friend, it means you're a fucking sap.
And, uh, many times, my best friend has been at the pit bar.
And he's like, hey, listen, Norm, um, can I get you, do you like beef?
Can I get you some beef?
You enjoy eating meat?
And I'm like, yeah, I gave you some free meat, man.
You gotta cook it up back there, you can eat it.
I'm like, god damn, you're a nice fella.
Yeah, yeah, just stay here at the casino and go eat some beef.
Anything to keep you inside the casino, they would do, you know.
You gotta go, this is my wife, motherfucker.
As long as you fucker in the casino.
You could fucker at that crab table if you want.
But, uh, finally, you know, I saw the light, and I tried, I tried to gamble a
little.
I still do sports and stuff, but it's funny, you know, you see things in the
casino,
because I could spot things, like, because I was a bad gambler.
And I could spot, like, you know, people get systems and shit,
they come to the casino, like, I got a system.
I'm gonna play my system.
And then, one time, I saw, you could tell this guy tried a system,
and it hadn't worked, because he was going up on the elevator with his wife,
and he said to his wife, he said, uh, I don't give a fuck what I said, give me
the money.
It's my money, I earned it.
Worked forever, now, after 30 years, I think I'm entitled.
You can tell, in casinos, the winners and the losers, if you have a sharp eye,
you know,
and because the winners, man, they're on top of the world, they're singing, you
know,
just, you can tell by their body language, if you're a student of body language,
you know,
which I am, and, uh, they're just walking and looking up, you know,
uh, like, I wonder how much that chandelier costs.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier, but I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier, but I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier, but I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't think I'll buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
I don't buy that chandelier.
She's so beautiful.
That's what I can't.
I can't get to know how beautiful she is.
And I find her timing couldn't have been worse because I am of an age where
when I was a boy they had the Olympics in '76 and she won.
The decathlon, she was the greatest athlete, the greatest athlete in the world
in 1976 was a lady.
Isn't that amazing?
So that would have been a great moment for the feminist movement if, you know,
they put the gold medal around.
And I was like, by the way, I'm a lady.
God damn.
The world's greatest athlete is a lady.
But the mother of everybody weighs until he's 65 now. Like if you're a 65 year
old man, is it that much different than a 65 year old lady?
What the fuck's the difference? Can you just weigh the next 15 years and die?
I don't get it. I might become a lady. I'm thinking about it. I would only do
it under certain, very certain circumstances.
But, uh, because that's one thing I was thinking. I suck at fucking basketball.
Men's basketball.
But I'll bet you a women's basketball, I'm probably a pretty good, like, sixth
woman off the bench.
Of course, I'm huge. I'm 6'2". I'm a giant.
And they couldn't stop me because I'm a woman.
See, when I was young, you know, I would say to my father, "Listen, I'm a lady."
And my father would go, "Wait now, buddy, you got a cock." And I'd go, "Oh,
yeah."
I forgot. But anyways, that's how ignorant we were back then.
We thought back then, that having a cock meant you were a fella.
But anyway, it's nice now to have a choice. And, uh, and I thought of a time
when I would have a choice.
And it's, here's the thing.
Let's say something came from my past.
Because we all have secrets in our past.
And I'm not, uh, I'm not, uh...
Listen, I'll tell you, I'll tell you a secret from my past.
Um, I, one time, I'm guilty of one, well, one real serious crime.
Many, you know, sins, but, but one, uh, legal crime.
Which is the crime of, uh, manslaughter.
A long time ago.
And I, uh, what, uh, you don't need to know all the details, but...
The gist of the thing was, I slaughtered a man.
It started off, uh, I think we were arm wrestling or something.
And then, it started about my, and then we were, uh, punching, and...
And then I was like, "God damn, I've slaughtered a man!"
And then he was, like, laid slaughtered before me.
Oh, slaughtered to hell.
And, uh, I didn't know at that time that manslaughter is actually less of a
crime than murder.
Because, ooh, it's way worse in real life.
But, anyways, should that ever come out?
Like, should, uh, you know the way, uh, the comic got on stage and, and outed
Cosby?
Maybe one time a comic will come out, on stage and outed me.
Maybe it'll be me. Maybe I just did it.
And, uh, they look and they, you know, you guys go, "Ah, that's a joke."
But then somebody goes, "Maybe I should look into that."
And, they go to a certain place and find a slaughtered man.
Long since slaughtered man.
Uh, with my, uh, DNA all over him.
I kind of, I did some stuff to him after.
Which I'm not, uh, proud of at all.
Well, we all made mistakes and I did it, but listen.
Um, the point is, if I was, if I went to jail and the judge said, "You have
been convicted of manslaughter."
But, because the jury, uh, found that you slaughtered that man.
"Have you anything to say for yourself?"
Then I would say, "Yes, I only have one thing to say, I am a lady."
Then you go, "You're not a lady."
And I go, "You fucking bigot."
How dare you say that.
I think I am a lady and I should know more than anybody.
Who would know more if I'm a lady?
You, some judge of some sort.
Or me, a lady.
Now, ship me out to ladies' jail.
Come on.
Get me over there.
Why?
Because I feel like I would be a big hit with ladies' jail.
They're very popular.
That is my feeling.
The, uh, my buddy is gonna, as a girl, she's gonna show me on YouTube
apparently they have gender reclassification surgery you can watch.
And, uh, uh, I said, I'd rather watch fucking ISIS videos.
It's in its infancy that, uh, particular procedure.
girl she's gonna show me on YouTube apparently they have gender reclassification
surgery if you watch. And I said I'd rather watch fucking ISIS videos. It's in
its infancy that particular procedure.
Even most of the people that turn into ladies go I'm keeping my cock. That's
the odd thing about the whole thing. Go I'm a lady with a cock. What the fuck
is that? And I'm a lesbian, huh? How the fuck does that work? I could
definitely go for that.
Go I'm a lady with a cock lesbian. And then the lesbians of course would like
you on account of you got a cock. You don't have to go buy one in the store.
On the way home for the lesbian bar. You don't have to go on your way home. You
better have to buy a cock. Don't worry about it. I got one. You got a cock? Yes.
Lesbian with a cock.
But listen, I don't pretend I understand. Not me, man. Just an old chunk of
coal trying to figure out life.
I don't have to do matters of any sort. And it's because I'm of my age. You
know, I'm 51, 2 score 11.
As Abraham Lincoln once called him.
I'm 51. And, uh, yeah, my cock doesn't work that well. I'll be honest with you.
You guys will realize it when you turn 51. Because when you're young, you're
like, "Oh damn, my cock will work forever."
And then, it doesn't. You're 51, then you're like, "What?"
And then, it still works technically, but it's not, you know, the same.
And then you can see pornos. It's like