Name: norm bootleg 22
Uploaded: 2022-04-21T05:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 22' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-21. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm bootleg 22' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-21. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

norm bootleg 22

Are you guys excited to see Norm MacDonald?
The next comic coming to the stage is an icon.
He is a living legend.
You might know him from Saturday Night Live.
You might know him from his award-winning, maybe, podcast.
He recently wrote a book called Based on a True Story.
Please welcome to the stage your friend and mine,
Mr. Norm MacDonald.
You're all right.
You're all right.
Does this work?
Yeah, you're all right.
Okay.
Thanks, Joe.
You're all right.
You're all right, okay?
You're all right.
You're all right.
You're all right.
Hey, listen, man.
Hey.
How are you doing, guys?
Woo.
I like being here.
I like playing casinos because I'm a degenerate gambler.
And, uh, they know it.
You know, they get paid off in chips a lot.
You can tell.
Sometimes just one big chip.
That's really insulting.
There are casinos where, you know, there are casinos where, you know, what I
like is casinos, you know, because there's the Vegas, then there's the casinos
like this, and then there's Indian casinos, which I like the best, because I
feel like I'm doing some reparations, you know.
For methodically murdering their forefathers, which, looking back, was way out
of line, way out of line.
But, uh, I've pretty well done my share of paying back.
I'll tell you that.
I got no guilt.
I fucking paid my fuck.
I paid some of you guys this fucking share.
So, uh, I was in Vegas.
It's funny, I'm in Vegas, and now I'm here in, uh, Hollywood.
I don't know who anybody thinks they're fooling about it.
Fuck me a mess.
Well, it's down to two choices.
Phil is going with Columbus.
Bob's going with Hollywood.
No, no, this is, this.
Plus, I live in L.A.
Hollywood is a piece of shit.
Like, I didn't realize until I moved to Hollywood.
It's like a fake place.
Like, you know, because you, I thought Beverly Hillbillies and shit.
I, everything was like that.
But if you've ever been to Hollywood, it's fucking horrible.
Like, there's the stars on the ground, but you don't know any of them.
They're from radio and shit.
And then people are pissing on them.
Like, that's not a way to, you know, make Bob Hope's family feel good or
anything.
You know what, when you go to a casino, because when I was in Vegas and down
here, people will sometimes come and they'll have a system.
You know what I mean?
They'll have a system.
They're going to break the bank.
You know what I mean?
They're going to beat the casino.
And sometimes these systems actually do not work.
And this is what I saw.
It was a couple months ago.
But let's pretend it's today.
I was on the elevator today.
No, it was a golf musket.
And a month later, I figured out a joke.
Anyways, I got on the elevator, and this is what I heard.
It was just, all there was was a man and his wife on the elevator.
And I got on, so it was just us three.
And tension.
There was a lot of tension.
So it was just us four.
And we were going down, and it was getting more and more tense.
And suddenly, the guy out of the blue, he goes, he says to his wife, he goes,
I don't give a fuck what I said.
Give me the money.
Like that.
So I think, I think I was witnessing, like, the unraveling of a situation.
A system of some sort.
Like that, this fellow was calling an audible, you see.
Vegas has a very weird, odd slogan, you know what I mean?
Like, like, you know how to see that slogan?
Like, Atlanta, Georgia.
Hey, you like peaches?
I don't know what they are, but I should have done some research on this.
But you know what I'm talking about.
Virginia, for people who like to lay down on ladies or whatever, you know.
You've heard them.
Columbus, we're actually Hollywood.
I don't know.
Anyway.
But Vegas has this one that's so shady.
It says, whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, you know.
Which is like, good God, you know.
You might as well just have a guy going like.
What kind of a shady.
And also, it's not true.
It's not like you can just kill someone and leave.
You know, they'll follow you.
They'll hunt you down and bring you back.
And they'll try you.
And I'm kind of a jerk of your peers.
Sniffling a lot tonight.
And it makes me paranoid when I sniffle.
Because I think you guys will think I'm on cocaine.
I'm also, I am on a lot of cocaine.
And so, that makes me paranoid as well.
So, the combination of being on cocaine and being worried you guys think I am
on cocaine, even though I'm not.
Hell of a cocktail, you know.
Anyways, my point is, this is Las Vegas.
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So, I thought about it.
I started ruminating on it.
Trying to figure out what it meant.
I started, night after night, not being able to sleep, trying to figure out the
slogan.
And then I finally figured it out.
All it really means is, you can go to Las Vegas, have sex with a prostitute.
And the prostitute will not tell your wife back home.
They're very discreet, that big time Las Vegas prostitutes.
They're not like the gossipy small town whores.
You know, the fucking, those fucking blabbermouths.
Don't know when to keep their mouth shut, you know.
In the beauty parlor.
You're Alec Majerison's wife.
Well, my God.
Small world, I took a shit on.
Last night, I took a shit on his chest.
In exchange for cash.
Small world.
Where is your small world?
Isn't that a weird thing, small world?
I don't believe that the world's small.
Seems very large to me.
Like, like, this seems large.
And compared to the world, this is shit.
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't mean to insult you or anything like
that.
But you're all shit.
You're much smaller than the world, that's all I'm saying.
But you know, the way people use that term, let's say you go to Paris, France,
you know.
And you go, you're watching, you're looking at the Arch of Triumph.
I should have started with a French word.
It's not the Arch of Triumph, is it?
The Arch to Triumph.
And you're watching it, and there's a fellow standing next to you, and you go,
hey, I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
And the other guy goes, I'm from Columbus, Ohio, too.
He goes, small world, small world, you know.
And I don't, I think that happens very rarely, though.
So, I don't believe that it's a small world.
I think, I think most of the conversations in front of the Arch to Triumph go
like this.
Go like, hey, I'm from Columbus, Ohio, where are you from?
I'm from Paris, France.
You know.
Well, that's a big fucking world, I'll tell you that.
God damn, that's a giant globe.
Hardly nobody knows anybody.
You know what's a thing I realize about gambling?
Very rational.
This is what I heard myself say at a, again, we can pretend it's today.
But I am at one, this happened, uh, I'm at a roulette table, I walked, this is
how irrational you are when you're gambling.
And I heard myself say this, I go to the roulette table, rather, I put $100
down on black, it spins around, and it lands on red.
And then I say, fuck, I almost picked that.
That's going to be rational.
And the entire table understood, that was also, they were like, well, yeah, you
can't second guess yourself on that.
You know, if you understand anything about the game of roulette.
I took an airplane from Las Vegas, Nevada, I get scared of those motherfuckers,
even though, you know, I probably get killed on an airplane, yeah.
But you know what I do, I get the, um, uh, the row, the, it's called the exit
row, you know what I mean?
Uh, uh, it should be called, please God, not the exit row.
But it's called the exit row.
And, uh, it's good because you get a, uh, uh, but a foot extra, uh, leg room.
And all you have to do to get the extra, uh, leg room, all you have to do to
sit in the exit row is to lie.
What happens is, the stewardess comes up to you, and she's, flight attendant!
She comes up to you.
A lot of new words, all right, okay.
I come from a different time.
Usually people say that from the future, but I'm saying it from the past.
I come to you from a different time.
When stewardesses, uh, I come to you from a time when, if you were a lady, and
you were a flight attendant, we would call you a stewardess.
And if you were a gentleman, and you were a flight attendant, we would call you,
well, it doesn't matter.
Yeah, a steward, a steward.
What were you guys thinking?
I think, I'm outraged now.
I'm outraged by what you guys thought in your brains.
I'm leaving in a huff.
I got the new huff.
Have you tried it?
It's, uh, it's the Chrysler huff.
I'm going to be leaving in it, so.
I can't be, you know what?
You know, I don't know how anyone can be outraged by anything.
Like, I could see it way back in the old days, but nowadays?
What the fuck?
You think, like, how could I be, uh, uh, uh, outraged by watching some guy on
stage saying something?
You know, I've seen internet pornography.
Once you've seen this.
Anthony Jeselnik is not going to make you.
I mean, this shit.
By the way, if you've never seen pornography on the internet, don't.
Because it's going to change you.
Fundamentally.
And you're never going to get, be able to come back.
It takes years and years.
God, the first time you, I ever, I came on late to it.
Probably the first time about six years ago.
People have been watching along before that.
And I thought in my stupid head that it was just a picture.
Like, you know, sometimes a guy would show me a picture from the internet.
It would be like, uh, a lady with a horse.
But I just, but the picture was just put together.
Right?
Like, photoshopped.
I thought that's what, stupidly, I thought that's what internet porn was.
Anyways.
Six years ago, I see actual internet porn.
And at first, I'm astounded.
First of all, by the number of ladies.
Like, I go, what?
God's like, it's like one of 36 of 3,400,000,000.
You're like, is every woman a whore or something?
What happened?
Like, and the things they're doing, I'm like, holy Lord.
No lady has ever done anything to me anywhere close to this.
And I was on the TV.
I go, how can this be possibly happening?
But then you change.
What happens is you become desensitized.
You ever heard of that word?
Oh, yeah.
They like to use it in big bucks.
Make you sleepy.
But what it means is, it's not enough for you.
You need more.
You need more.
Like any addiction, you know?
Like, after a few months of that internet porn, you're like, ah, she can only
take eight cocks of her ass.
Why'd you get in the business as you're a fucking prude?
I'll find another thing.
I'll find a worse thing a person can do to another person.
I need it, I tell you.
I gotta get out of that shit.
I don't know what the poor children are doing, you know what I mean?
I mean, when I was young, we had, like, a playboy or whatever.
I remember my dad saying, when I was young, all I needed was to see, like, Lana
Turner's ankle walking down the stairs.
Which I also thought was weird.
You're like, ah, like, ankle, you know?
I don't want to get, you know, but I saw a thing, you know, people should tell
you what they're showing you on the internet before they show you.
You know what I'm saying?
I just go, here you go, ah, that's the worst thing ever.
Why did you show me that?
So anyways, guy showed me a picture of a lady making sweet love to a pig.
A pig, like an actual pig, farm, you know, barnyard animal, a pig.
You're all familiar with a pig.
I don't have to put too fine a point on it when I keep saying pig, do I?
So I felt so, oh, God, I didn't want to watch.
I felt sorry for the lady.
I felt sorry for the, I felt sorry for the pig, you know?
And I know a lot of people wouldn't feel sorry for the pig, but you got to
figure, you know, you got to think of the pig's life.
It's like, the pig's in a sty with a bunch of fucking other gross, ugly, fat
pigs.
And then they have sex, and then one day they take them, and they have a
beautiful lady, you know?
And he's like, holy Lord.
I never knew it could be like this, you know?
And then the next day they throw them back in the sty.
He's like, ah!
You're all a bunch of fat pigs.
I didn't know before.
You take the pig from the farm and onto a porno shoot, but you can't take the
porno shoot from the pig and g