Name: norm stand up bootleg 19
Uploaded: 2022-05-04T05:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm stand up bootleg 19' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-04. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'norm stand up bootleg 19' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-04. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

And ghosts, they don't fucking scare me. I mean, I'm not trying to say I'm a
big shot, you know. I mean, I am. I am saying that. I am trying to say that. I'm
trying to say I'm a big shot.
Now, I'm not trying to say I'm no fucking tough guy, but I am. I'm a fucking
tough guy. I don't fucking fight. No. But I'm saying I'm not afraid of ghosts.
And I'll tell you why. First of all, they're invisible and shit. And when you,
let's say they go to punch you, right? Their fucking hand goes right through
your body.
I'm not scared of that fucker. Like, the guy that scares me is the guy where he
punches you and then his hand doesn't fucking disadvantage your head shit. That
fucker, I don't like him. A ghost I like.
And then, like, you know, one time I went to a hotel and they had a fucking
ghost, was it? Is it a ghost? And you'd think you wouldn't put that on the
front of the hotel.
Some people might not show up not wanting to be haunted by a ghost. But anyways,
people would show up at this hotel. And, uh, I had to fucking stay there.
And anyways, it said, uh, there was this woman that was a fucking ghost and her
name was the, uh, the woman in the blue dress. You know, and she haunted the
halls evidently.
Bam. I thought it was a reckless nickname, first of all. I would have called
her the ghost.
I think that was her defining quality, not the... I've seen blue dresses before,
nothing terrifying about them.
But, uh, anyway.
So the ghost shows up. And what is the ghost really? All they can do is fucking
startle you. You're like, ah! What the fuck?
Ah, here it goes. You know.
What are you gonna do? Hang around all the time?
They're like, ah, ah, you're like, ah, okay.
Because at first you'd be startled, but by, you know, six months, you're like,
ah, yeah, you scared me out of you.
I was scared again.
They're like, ah, you're like, ah, why are you still here?
I forgot.
And they're whiny, those fucking ghosts.
And I was like, jeez, god damn.
They're always like, ah, I've gotta stay here.
And you're like, why?
And they're like, ah, because unfinished business.
Ah, I must come to peace with it.
Ah, and you're like, what about me, you fucker?
I'm the same, I've got the same problems as you, except you can walk through
the fucking walls.
I'd much rather be you a ghost.
Anyway.
And of course, the most frightening is the Count Dracula, you know.
That fucker.
The vampire.
No, the vampire does not, the vampire is the oddest one to me, because they go,
listen, that fucking vampire is around today.
You know, I heard he was around.
So, ah, we gotta get shit and garlic and all that stuff, shit and everything
and similar bullets.
And then we get a, a two by six and hew it, you know, so we get the proper.
And then we get a fucking wooden, ah, mallet.
We got, as the beast descends upon us, we must strike him, you know, in the
center of his chest and, ah, explode his heart and kill this, ah, ancient, ah,
plague, you know.
Because if we don't, if we make one small mistake, he'll bite our necks and, ah,
then we'll be immortal.
You know, what, what, what was that last part?
What, what?
I didn't hear the last part.
And they bite your neck and you get to be a cool vampire forever.
Unless someone tricks you and makes you a pile of dust, which would also be a
cool way to go out.
But, ah, you get to be a vampire and then you're sexy.
So vampires are now sexy, which is cool, you know.
Women love vampires, you probably love vampires, right?
They, women, I don't know what it is, but, man, women love vampires like, ah,
like, ah, babies love stray dogs, you know.
They're, they're, they're, they're touching somewhere deep within their soul,
they're like, I don't know what the fuck, I don't know what it is.
I'm no doctor.
I know sometimes I claim to be a doctor, but it's all in good fun.
Enjoy performing experiments on the human bodies, have knives, and if you like
that sort of thing, you have to be, pretend to be a doctor.
Pretty well, the only way they'll let you do it.
I have the suit at home.
Anyway.
Now, what about a fucking doctor makes it, like, I can, I can, I don't know, I
don't even want to be a, who the fuck would want to be a doctor?
Anybody a doctor?
You know what a kind of doctor I'd be, the guy that hits the, hits you on the
knee with a fucking hammer?
That seems like a good job.
Nothing ever goes wrong, you know.
I've had my fucking knee hit by a hammer about 300 fucking times by doctors,
nothing ever wrong.
I hear it with a mini, ah, fuck you.
Then I go, ah, excellent.
So I write it down on a fucking paper.
That's exactly how you should react when I strike your knee with a hammer.
Just write it down your hammer.
But, ah, some things would be bad.
I was thinking today it would be bad.
You know what would be bad?
If you're, if you're a type, you know how people fuck, you know, like, some
people, like, like, like to fuck, if a dude will fuck a dude, or something like
that, or a lady will fuck a lady, or whatever, right?
People, right?
Everybody laying down with everybody else.
What if you're a type, you know what I mean?
Because you have a type, right?
Let's say, like, my type's a lady.
I like to, my thing is I like to find a lady and then talk her in and let me
lie down on top of her.
I don't, it's my little thing I like to try.
It's extraordinarily difficult.
But anyway, other guys are more, they like crazier things than they do crazier
things, and, ah, anyways, I was wondering about the ones, imagine if, ah, you
were the ones that only like kids.
Like, you only like fucking kids.
That would be the worst.
You know what I mean?
You go, what's your type?
I don't want to tell you.
No, what is it?
Girls with big tits?
Yeah, like, so, no.
Not exactly.
I, uh, children.
Young children, I like to have them, so.
Sexually attracted to very young children.
I'll be going to prison one day.
What about the ladies at the big breast?
I don't care for them at all.
I don't know what happens.
What about dudes blowing them?
No, I don't like that either.
Four-year-old children.
I don't know what happens.
Oh, well.
I have a good life to look forward to, being raped by, uh, with a broomstick in
prison.
Yeah, that's my type.
I think that would be the worst type to have.
Imagine that you, but you don't think about it, right?
Because, you know, I'm like, I don't want to do that shit.
But some people do.
And they go, I got to fuck a kid.
Like, uh.
Like, who would do that?
But that's like us, going, I got to get a lady or a dude or whatever.
They're like, I got to, you know, it's like a.
That's my job.
My dad did it.
My dad did it.
I fuck kids.
That's what I do.
Name's Earl Delaney.
I haven't, uh, fucked a kid in two weeks.
I'm way behind that.
I've got the boss up my ass.
He wants me to fuck more kids.
I said, I only fuck so many kids.
You don't think there's guys with that job.
You don't think there's fellas that have that job.
But it turns out there are.
Anyways.
I was wondering about these people that are,
I was wondering about these people that are fetishists, you know.
Because I go, like, my thing I like to lie down on top of ladies.
I've revealed that to you already.
And, uh, it's not easy at all.
So, I think if it's harder, if you're one of those guys,
like a lady has to whip the back of your balls.
Then I go, how the fuck you ever find anybody?
Or, like, your foot or some fucking thing like that.
Like, uh, because these guys, they love feasts sometimes, right?
Look, there's two kinds of people.
Two kinds of guys.
There's guys who think that pretty well every foot looks pretty well the same.
That's one group.
And then there's another group that believe the foot is the most sexual object
on the body.
Hey, and who is to say who is right?
I think it's the first group.
I think overwhelmingly people would say, the first group is correct.
All feet look pretty well alike.
But anyway, I don't know how you, uh, bring this up to the lady, you know.
You go, ah, Sybil, or whatever her name is.
Is that a good name for Sybil?
Ah, Sybil.
It would, uh, take a blind man not to see we love each other.
Uh, feelings for you, at least.
We've been together six times, you know, that, uh, I like to, what do I like to
do again?
Oh, yeah, walk on the ocean.
Remember that part?
That's fun.
Well, you like that, Sybil?
And what about the sunset?
When the sun, it's up in the air and then it goes down.
That's fun, right?
And then we go to my place, and a polar bear rug, and shit like that.
And there'd be a fireplace or anything.
And if I whack off on your foot, then I get some champagne.
Do you like champagne?
Do you enjoy champagne?
What kind?
I didn't know, which part of you talking about?
You want some champagne or not?
I didn't, I said that?
That's, or did you hear that?
I don't know, I don't know which.
Just have your champagne.
I, uh, I'll, uh, go in the other room.
Or they trick the lady.
Men are deceptive creatures, as we all know, you know.
And, uh, so they probably trick the lady.
They probably got the foot thing, but they gotta not say it.
They gotta pretend to be a regular dude.
And then they're like, ah, they finally bed the lady.
You know, they're like, ah, what should her name be?
Judy, with an I?
Ah, Judy.
What does my word do you know this?
And, Judy, uh, look at your beautiful body.
You got hair and shit, but you're like.
Then he's bluffing, he wants his fucking feet.
Your hair looks good, man.
It's yellow and shit.
Everything.
And then there's your head.
Look at that.
That's a good-looking head you got.
And look at that.
And then you got some, oh, you're a chesty lady, huh?
There's two kinds of fellas.
There's the rear-end ladies and chesty lady men.
And I've always been a chesty lady men.
Anyway.
And then you got, oh, good lord, I don't know what that is.
Anyway.
And then you got, you got this, and then, ah, and then you whack off on the
foot.
I don't know.
I think that's how it might go.
And then the girl goes, did you just whack off on my foot?
And you're like, ha, ha, what?
What's that?
What, now or earlier or what?
What do you mean?
What?
You're coming out.
It's not a beautiful encounter, you know?
I can't imagine.
I'm having to take some work, but you know, huh?
If they're good husbands and providers, who cares?
Come on.
I really have no views on anything, except I do have a religious view.
I believe in something myself, and I believe that one religion, I don't believe
all religions
are equal.
I believe one is not right.
And I believe one is right, but I don't know which one it is.
And anyways, that's a problem.
Because if you accidentally pick the wrong one, then you get up to heaven and
you go, ah, fuck,
it's you.
I thought it was the other guy.
Oh, well.
But anyways, I know one that is a completely wrong religion to join.
And if you join it, you should leave it and go to a better religion.
It's the church of, I don't know if you've ever heard of it, it's the church of
Satan.
It's the devil.
I'm no religious scholar, but I know that's the wrong church.
The one the devil is the head of.
In the devil church, there's another god, there's the devil, but then there's a
guy that's more
powerful than the devil.
This is not, most churches don't have that.
A guy more powerful than the guy you worship.
That's not in most churches.
So please, don't give your life to the devil.
And if you do, this is the, I know a lot of people, like they want to make it,
especially
in this crazy fucking town, you know.
They want to make it, they want to be singers and actors and acting and movies
and singing
and songs and shit like that.
And they're willing to trade their soul to the devil.
You know what I mean?
It happens all the time, every day.
And if it happens, and listen, man, it's Hollywood.
Don't kid yourself.
And I'm not saying it's a bad idea.
I don't know if it's right or not to sell your soul to the devil.
I'm not going to make those kind of judgments.
But if you do, make sure he's the actual devil.
Because I made a terrible mistake.
It wasn't terrible, but it cost me.
I was in a bar and I was like, I was just by myself and I was like, I was a
young man
and I said, I would do anything to be the greatest hockey player of all time.
And then this fellow next to me, he goes, did you say anything?
Right?
So I go, yeah, yeah, anything.
He goes, ah, would you give me your soul?
And also, uh, two beers.
Would you give me?
And I was like, yeah, sure, I'll give you my soul.
But my eternal soul plus two beers?
Yeah, still the guy.
Markey!
Two beers for my friend here.
And then I went away and I think I got worse.
Like, back two weeks later, I was like, fuck up, my hockey is shit now.
Like, I thought I'd get better.
And then he was like, huh?
And I'm like, you're the devil, right?
And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I go, I'm not getting better at hockey.
I don't understand how I'm going to be so great.
And he goes like this.
He goes, listen, you see that bartender?
I figure he won't let me have those bar snacks at the end of the day.
He says he's tired of me.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to duck down quick, see?
And you run over and grab those bar snacks, bring them back real quick,
and I'll jump up and eat them.
I say, you're not the devil.
All right, folks.
Listen, God bless you all.
I love you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

norm stand up bootleg 19

And ghosts, they don't fucking scare me. I mean, I'm not trying to say I'm a
big shot, you know. I mean, I am. I am saying that. I am trying to say that. I'm
trying to say I'm a big shot.
Now, I'm not trying to say I'm no fucking tough guy, but I am. I'm a fucking
tough guy. I don't fucking fight. No. But I'm saying I'm not afraid of ghosts.
And I'll tell you why. First of all, they're invisible and shit. And when you,
let's say they go to punch you, right? Their fucking hand goes right through
your body.
I'm not scared of that fucker. Like, the guy that scares me is the guy where he
punches you and then his hand doesn't fucking disadvantage your head shit. That
fucker, I don't like him. A ghost I like.
And then, like, you know, one time I went to a hotel and they had a fucking
ghost, was it? Is it a ghost? And you'd think you wouldn't put that on the
front of the hotel.
Some people might not show up not wanting to be haunted by a ghost. But anyways,
people would show up at this hotel. And, uh, I had to fucking stay there.
And anyways, it said, uh, there was this woman that was a fucking ghost and her
name was the, uh, the woman in the blue dress. You know, and she haunted the
halls evidently.
Bam. I thought it was a reckless nickname, first of all. I would have called
her the ghost.
I think that was her defining quality, not the... I've seen blue dresses before,
nothing terrifying about them.
But, uh, anyway.
So the ghost shows up. And what is the ghost really? All they can do is fucking
startle you. You're like, ah! What the fuck?
Ah, here it goes. You know.
What are you gonna do? Hang around all the time?
They're like, ah, ah, you're like, ah, okay.
Because at first you'd be startled, but by, you know, six months, you're like,
ah, yeah, you scared me out of you.
I was scared again.
They're like, ah, you're like, ah, why are you still here?
I forgot.
And they're whiny, those fucking ghosts.
And I was like, jeez, god damn.
They're always like, ah, I've gotta stay here.
And you're like, why?
And they're like, ah, because unfinished business.
Ah, I must come to peace with it.
Ah, and you're like, what about me, you fucker?
I'm the same, I've got the same problems as you, except you can walk through
the fucking walls.
I'd much rather be you a ghost.
Anyway.
And of course, the most frightening is the Count Dracula, you know.
That fucker.
The vampire.
No, the vampire does not, the vampire is the oddest one to me, because they go,
listen, that fucking vampire is around today.
You know, I heard he was around.
So, ah, we gotta get shit and garlic and all that stuff, shit and everything
and similar bullets.
And then we get a, a two by six and hew it, you know, so we get the proper.
And then we get a fucking wooden, ah, mallet.
We got, as the beast descends upon us, we must strike him, you know, in the
center of his chest and, ah, explode his heart and kill this, ah, ancient, ah,
plague, you know.
Because if we don't, if we make one small mistake, he'll bite our necks and, ah,
then we'll be immortal.
You know, what, what, what was that last part?
What, what?
I didn't hear the last part.
And they bite your neck and you get to be a cool vampire forever.
Unless someone tricks you and makes you a pile of dust, which would also be a
cool way to go out.
But, ah, you get to be a vampire and then you're sexy.
So vampires are now sexy, which is cool, you know.
Women love vampires, you probably love vampires, right?
They, women, I don't know what it is, but, man, women love vampires like, ah,
like, ah, babies love stray dogs, you know.
They're, they're, they're, they're touching somewhere deep within their soul,
they're like, I don't know what the fuck, I don't know what it is.
I'm no doctor.
I know sometimes I claim to be a doctor, but it's all in good fun.
Enjoy performing experiments on the human bodies, have knives, and if you like
that sort of thing, you have to be, pretend to be a doctor.
Pretty well, the only way they'll let you do it.
I have the suit at home.
Anyway.
Now, what about a fucking doctor makes it, like, I can, I can, I don't know, I
don't even want to be a, who the fuck would want to be a doctor?
Anybody a doctor?
You know what a kind of doctor I'd be, the guy that hits the, hits you on the
knee with a fucking hammer?
That seems like a good job.
Nothing ever goes wrong, you know.
I've had my fucking knee hit by a hammer about 300 fucking times by doctors,
nothing ever wrong.
I hear it with a mini, ah, fuck you.
Then I go, ah, excellent.
So I write it down on a fucking paper.
That's exactly how you should react when I strike your knee with a hammer.
Just write it down your hammer.
But, ah, some things would be bad.
I was thinking today it would be bad.
You know what would be bad?
If you're, if you're a type, you know how people fuck, you know, like, some
people, like, like, like to fuck, if a dude will fuck a dude, or something like
that, or a lady will fuck a lady, or whatever, right?
People, right?
Everybody laying down with everybody else.
What if you're a type, you know what I mean?
Because you have a type, right?
Let's say, like, my type's a lady.
I like to, my thing is I like to find a lady and then talk her in and let me
lie down on top of her.
I don't, it's my little thing I like to try.
It's extraordinarily difficult.
But anyway, other guys are more, they like crazier things than they do crazier
things, and, ah, anyways, I was wondering about the ones, imagine if, ah, you
were the ones that only like kids.
Like, you only like fucking kids.
That would be the worst.
You know what I mean?
You go, what's your type?
I don't want to tell you.
No, what is it?
Girls with big tits?
Yeah, like, so, no.
Not exactly.
I, uh, children.
Young children, I like to have them, so.
Sexually attracted to very young children.
I'll be going to prison one day.
What about the ladies at the big breast?
I don't care for them at all.
I don't know what happens.
What about dudes blowing them?
No, I don't like that either.
Four-year-old children.
I don't know what happens.
Oh, well.
I have a good life to look forward to, being raped by, uh, with a broomstick in
prison.
Yeah, that's my type.
I think that would be the worst type to have.
Imagine that you, but you don't think about it, right?
Because, you know, I'm like, I don't want to do that shit.
But some people do.
And they go, I got to fuck a kid.
Like, uh.
Like, who would do that?
But that's like us, going, I got to get a lady or a dude or whatever.
They're like, I got to, you know, it's like a.
That's my job.
My dad did it.
My dad did it.
I fuck kids.
That's what I do.
Name's Earl Delaney.
I haven't, uh, fucked a kid in two weeks.
I'm way behind that.
I've got the boss up my ass.
He wants me to fuck more kids.
I said, I only fuck so many kids.
You don't think there's guys with that job.
You don't think there's fellas that have that job.
But it turns out there are.
Anyways.
I was wondering about these people that are,
I was wondering about these people that are fetishists, you know.
Because I go, like, my thing I like to lie down on top of ladies.
I've revealed that to you already.
And, uh, it's not easy at all.
So, I think if it's harder, if you're one of those guys,
like a lady has to whip the back of your balls.
Then I go, how the fuck you ever find anybody?
Or, like, your foot or some fucking thing like that.
Like, uh, because these guys, they love feasts sometimes, right?
Look, there's two kinds of people.
Two kinds of guys.
There's guys who think that pretty well every foot looks pretty well the same.
That's one group.
And then there's another group that believe the foot is the most sexual object
on the body.
Hey, and who is to say who is right?
I think it's the first group.
I think overwhelmingly people would say, the first group is correct.
All feet look pretty well alike.
But anyway, I don't know how you, uh, bring this up to the lady, you know.
You go, ah, Sybil, or whatever her name is.
Is that a good name for Sybil?
Ah, Sybil.
It would, uh, take a blind man not to see we love each other.
Uh, feelings for you, at least.
We've been together six times, you know, that, uh, I like to, what do I like to
do again?
Oh, yeah, walk on the ocean.
Remember that part?
That's fun.
Well, you like that, Sybil?
And what about the sunset?
When the sun, it's up in the air and then it goes down.
That's fun, right?
And then we go to my place, and a polar bear rug, and shit like that.
And there'd be a fireplace or anything.
And if I whack off on your foot, then I get some champagne.
Do you like champagne?
Do you enjoy champagne?
What kind?
I didn't know, which part of you talking about?
You want some champagne or not?
I didn't, I said that?
That's, or did you hear that?
I don't know, I don't know which.
Just have your champagne.
I, uh, I'll, uh, go in the other room.
Or they trick the lady.
Men are deceptive creatures, as we all know, you know.
And, uh, so they probably trick the lady.
They probably got the foot thing, but they gotta not say it.
They gotta pretend to be a regular dude.
And then they're like, ah, they finally bed the lady.
You know, they're like, ah, what should her name be?
Judy, with an I?
Ah, Judy.
What does my word do you know this?
And, Judy, uh, look at your beautiful body.
You got hair and shit, but you're like.
Then he's bluffing, he wants his fucking feet.
Your hair looks good, man.
It's yellow and shit.
Everything.
And then there's your head.
Look at that.
That's a good-looking head you got.
And look at that.
And then you got some, oh, you're a chesty lady, huh?
There's two kinds of fellas.
There's the rear-end ladies and chesty lady men.
And I've always been a chesty lady men.
Anyway.
And then you got, oh, good lord, I don't know what that is.
Anyway.
And then you got, you got this, and then, ah, and then you whack off on the
foot.
I don't know.
I think that's how it might go.
And then the girl goes, did you just whack off on my foot?
And you're like, ha, ha, what?
What's that?
What, now or earlier or what?
What do you mean?
What?
You're coming out.
It's not a beautiful encounter, you know?
I can't imagine.
I'm having to take some work, but you know, huh?
If they're good husbands and providers, who cares?
Come on.
I really have no views on anything, except I do have a religious view.
I believe in something myself, and I believe that one religion, I don't believe
all religions
are equal.
I believe one is not right.
And I believe one is right, but I don't know which one it is.
And anyways, that's a problem.
Because if you accidentally pick the wrong one, then you get up to heaven and
you go, ah, fuck,
it's you.
I thought it was the other guy.
Oh, well.
But anyways, I know one that is a completely wrong religion to join.
And if you join it, you should leave it and go to a better religion.
It's the church of, I don't know if you've ever heard of it, it's the church of
Satan.
It's the devil.
I'm no religious scholar, but I know that's the wrong church.
The one the devil is the head of.
In the devil church, there's another god, there's the devil, but then there's a
guy that's more
powerful than the devil.
This is not, most churches don't have that.
A guy more powerful than the guy you worship.
That's not in most churches.
So please, don't give your life to the devil.
And if you do, this is the, I know a lot of people, like they want to make it,
especially
in this crazy fucking town, you know.
They want to make it, they want to be singers and actors and acting and movies
and singing
and songs and shit like that.
And they're willing to trade their soul to the devil.
You know what I mean?
It happens all the time, every day.
And if it happens, and listen, man, it's Hollywood.
Don't kid yourself.
And I'm not saying it's a bad idea.
I don't know if it's right or not to sell your soul to the devil.
I'm not going to make those kind of judgments.
But if you do, make sure he's the actual devil.
Because I made a terrible mistake.
It wasn