Name: Episode 1 Norm and the Prototype 1999 03 24
Uploaded: 2022-05-08T05:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 1 Norm and the Prototype 1999 03 24' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-08. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 1 Norm and the Prototype 1999 03 24' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-08. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Hey, uh, Doug, uh, you better, uh, move out of the middle of the street there.
That's what he's going to step on.
And what are you lost?
Come on, buddy, you got to move.
Ah, here you go.
There you go.
What are you, crazy?
That's a stick.
All right, I'm here.
What's the big surprise?
Laurie, I found this dog.
Wait till you see him.
It's amazing.
How long's he been doing that?
About an hour.
Watch this.
Look, behind you.
A huge pile of bones.
Look, look.
It's, it's, it's a helpless kitten.
Another dog's butt.
Yeah.
I even taught him a trick.
Watch this.
Hey, wait a second.
He's got a, a tag.
Oh, check it out.
Maybe he's got diabetes or something.
What's your address on it?
Norm, did you even look?
No, I didn't look.
I found this dog abandoned in the middle of the sidewalk.
232 West 20th Street.
Yes, that's exactly the address I found him.
Yes, that's exactly the address I found him.
Hey, you found Snoopy.
I taught him never to budge from the front of his house.
Where the hell did you find him?
Where the hell did you find him?
Not here, I'll tell you that.
He was, uh, he's way down there.
Then, then, then over something.
Gotta put a leash on that thing, you know.
He's, he's a runner.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Okay, Billy, now you understand
why you're seeing a social worker, don't you?
'Cause you're lonely?
Yeah, lonely, that's a good one.
That's pretty funny there, Billy.
Yeah, actually, I am lonely, Billy, but, uh...
The thing is, that's not why you're here.
You shoplifted.
So?
So, it's a crime,
and your foster family doesn't know what to do about it.
Wait a second.
You're Norm Henderson, the hockey player.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were with the Oilers.
Right, right.
So, Billy, you should understand, then,
that just like in hockey,
there are penalties and rules.
Didn't you get arrested for gambling and tax evasion?
Oh, yeah.
Well, that was very complicated there, Billy.
Uh, you know, I didn't get the forms at the right address.
You cheated and got kicked out of hockey for life.
Why should I listen to you?
Well, for one thing,
you don't want to do five years of community service
as a damn social worker, that's why.
So, I made a gamble on the sport I was involved in,
and then avoided paying taxes on that gambling,
but you stole, all right?
You stole a, uh...
A comb.
Stole a comb?
All right, well, you can go, then.
You come back when you stab somebody, all right, Billy?
Hey, hey, what the hell are you doing there, ass face?
Oh, my God, did I sit down?
And then Mr. Curtis, sir.
See, you're saying it so often,
you got me saying it to the guy now.
Norm, you realize the day I get sick of your nonsense
is the day you go to prison.
Oh, sir, what?
I'm doing my job here.
Well, it's been, what, six months?
Let's review your accomplishments.
And we're done.
Well, hold on, sir.
Wait a minute here.
Wasn't there, there was the, uh...
Okay, I'm done, too.
What's this?
Uh, a client sent that to me, sir.
Well, you realize you can't have this on your desk in this office.
Well, that's ridiculous.
It's a cross.
Oh, yeah, the thing is, Danny, uh, there are a lot of Christians that work here,
and, uh, their Savior was actually nailed to a cross.
Hello, boys.
Are we ready to help people?
You're our favorite governess, Mary Poppins.
So, Norm, did you tell Danny about how you kidnapped that dog?
Oh, yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna get a dog of my own, you know?
I love the idea of having a friend that I can lock up when I'm not using him.
No, no, no, you don't want a dog, man.
You don't want a dog.
I mean, you know I'm scared of dogs.
They bite me.
Oh, you gotta understand, you know,
dogs use their mouth 'cause they have no hands.
What they want to do is punch you.
You know what you ought to do, Norm?
You should go down to the pound and get a dog.
Uh, yeah, aren't those dogs used?
Uh, I have my heart set on a new dog, you know?
What is the matter?
I mean, just because it's had a couple of relationships, suddenly it's used.
I don't think we're talking about the dog anymore.
Yes, we are.
We are talking about a living, caring thing that has been treated unkindly
and needs to find a warm and loving home.
Now we're not talking about the dog anymore.
Okay, people, I've got today's assignment sheet.
Well, Norm, I've got some news about one of your cases.
A certain young lady named Taylor Clayton.
Oh, well, there you go, sir. There's an accomplishment.
I got that kid off the street and I got her a job.
She's working in a massage parlor.
What? I got her a great job at a pizza place.
Well, did you ever call the pizza place to find out how she was doing?
Yeah, I called her tons of times. She was never even there.
You know, I can never tell if you're joking or you're just stupid.
Well, I try to mix it up, sir, you know.
Look, I want you to go down there and get her out of there right now, okay?
And make it look appropriate by taking somebody with you.
It is a massage parlor.
Oh, oh, oh, please, please, me.
I mean, I really enjoy field work.
I haven't had field work in, like, six months.
All right, well, you blew it.
Come on, Lori.
Oh, no, not a massage parlor, sir.
No, no, damn it.
I wore my good shoes.
Look at that woman. This is so sad.
Which one?
I was looking at that one.
She's sad, too, but maybe not as sad as the one you're looking at.
Don't embarrass me.
Now, how are we going to get to Taylor?
Because we can't say that we're social workers.
Oh, yeah, no, don't worry.
I've given this a lot of thought. Come on.
Hi, uh, is Taylor Clayton working?
Yeah, what can we do for you?
Well, me and the wife, we're kind of swingers, you know?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, she likes to watch, but...
Can we just, uh, do this, please?
See how eager she is there?
Dorm, what are you doing here?
They want a massage, Taylor.
They do.
So, how much is one of these?
For a couple, it's 100 bucks.
I only got $30 here.
Oh, I know. I'll go through my wife's purse.
You know, he's really not even very good.
Can I watch somebody else?
Look, I appreciate you getting me the job at the pizza place, Norm,
but I couldn't work there anymore.
There was this guy there, and he used to hit on me.
Yeah, I can see how that'd be annoying.
That'd be like somebody coming in here and demanding pizza.
I've just never been in a place like this before.
So, guys, come in here and you just, uh, do it.
Yeah, you gotta forgive my colleague.
She's not really familiar with the intercourse-related industries.
Well, I do know one thing, young lady.
You're violating probation, you could go to jail.
That's the only place I can make this kind of money.
At least until I'm old enough to strip.
That must have been some career day in your high school, huh?
Can I see you in the hallway for just a second?
We're just gonna be one second.
Okay, I was your social worker,
so you're just gonna have to trust me,
as we've been through many times before.
The client can only develop a trust
when the social workers work together
to present a consistent point of view.
So, shut up.
Yeah, that was unrelated stuff, but she's gonna talk now.
So, Taylor, I just want you to know
that you can do better than this.
It's so easy to use the body,
and it's very hard to use the brain.
And what do you know?
She knows a lot.
Not as much as you, you know, about certain things,
but a hell of a lot more than you
when it comes to things men don't care about.
I'll tell you that.
Look, I'm doing fine here.
Now, yes, maybe.
But what about the future?
There is nothing sadder than a 70-year-old prostitute.
Except maybe her customers.
Yeah, you don't want to be taking your teeth out
20, 30 times a day.
Oh, jeez.
What? I'm agreeing with you.
And look, believe me, I know right from wrong.
No, I don't think you do.
Look, I'm gonna give you a test, all right?
Now, this is kind of tricky.
Stay with me, okay?
You steal a loaf of bread, right or wrong?
Wrong.
Okay, you steal a loaf of bread,
but you give it to a starving person, right or wrong?
Still wrong.
Okay, a guy in a bread truck wants to have sex with you
in exchange for cash.
Oh, jeez.
What are you reading?
It's not a book on dogs, is it?
Yeah, I'm looking for one that likes to eat bald guys.
You know, I also have asthma.
Maybe you can get a dog that smokes.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
So, Norm, plan A with Taylor didn't work out,
so what do you got in mind for plan B?
Oh, uh, well, you know, I was gonna do nothing,
but I thought I'd be too lazy,
so I'm gonna get drunk.
You can't just give up.
She's your case.
Well, I like the kid, but, you know,
if she doesn't want to get help, you can't help her.
I lost one, so what?
You know what, Norm?
You're right.
Losing's not so bad.
Yeah, it's just like all those hockey games you lost.
You're used to it.
Very well.
I didn't lose those hockey games.
No.
You lost all the ones I saw.
Okay, let me get something straight for you guys, all right?
I was a great hockey player.
I was only a bad hockey player
compared to other professional hockey players.
Oh, Lori!
Glad I bumped into you.
Good job getting the Larson boy plays.
Oh, thank you, sir.
And, Danny, thanks for finding the money
for the new senior transportation program.
Drinking your lunch again, Norm?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, sir, no, sir.
Just one beer to help sharpen the senses
and help me care somewhat about people.
Uh-huh.
So, how did it go getting Miss Clayton
out of the massage parlor?
Oh, uh, not so good, sir.
Uh, but it's not a massage parlor
the way you think of as a massage parlor.
So, she doesn't have sex with the customers?
Well, is that what you think?
Well, then it is a massage parlor.
All right, look.
Now, I want that young woman
out of that place,
and I want it done now.
And if you don't,
I'm telling your probation officer
that your community service is a failure
and you're going to prison.
Fine, but when I break out of prison,
I'm coming after you, Curtis.
Not really.
I'll probably just get drunk
and try to find a bride.
Norm, I couldn't sleep at all last night.
We've got to get you out of this mess.
Danny, get over here.
We've got to figure out a way
to keep Norm from going to prison.
Well, way ahead of you.
Okay, here's what we do.
I go down to the massage parlor.
Pretend I'm a client, all right?
Then, I get a massage.
And then what?
Well, instead of paying the young lady,
I leave the pamphlet,
is this really what you want for your life?
Look, I appreciate you guys,
you know, trying to help and everything,
but I had a long talk with Taylor last night,
and I have a feeling things are going to work out.
Oh, Norm, I'm so proud of you.
Norm, Norm, I'm so glad you're here.
You'll never guess what happened.
I quit the massage parlor,
and I got a job as a weather girl,
and I'm going back to school.
Oh, great enthusiasm, Taylor,
but this isn't my boss.
And also, you might want to change
you might want to change weather girl to fry cook.
Oh.
We're scamming Curtis, and I'm in on it.
No, you're not.
Beat it, Weevil.
Norm, Norm, I'm so glad you're here.
You'll never guess what happened.
What?
Well, I quit the massage parlor,
and I got a job as a fry cook.
And I'm going back to school.
You're kidding.
That's fantastic.
What?
Oh, sir.
Oh, this is, uh, Taylor Clayton, sir,
ex-massage parlor worker,
now a fry cook.
Well, congratulations.
You must feel good about yourself.
Oh, I do.
Not as good as if I'd become a weather girl.
Weather girl.
Okay, well, you go then, Taylor.
And remember, you never have to return.
You're cured.
Well, I never thought I'd say this, Norm,
but, um, good job.
Oh.
What are you watching?
Oh, it's one of those phone-in polls on CNN.
You call in, it's like $1.50 to vote.
So far, 12% have paid $1.50 to say,
"I don't know."
There's the new little baby.
There he is.
What's he doing with a mop on his belly?
Oh, he wants to show you his new trick.
Check this out.
Go get the dust bunnies, wiener dog.
Go get him.
Come here.
Dog!
Come on, Danny.
You're being silly.
Listen, I'll get rid of the dog.
Can you get him in here?
Danny, come in.
Come on.
The dog is gone.
Where is he?
He's in the other room.
He wants you to feel comfortable,
so he's changing into his cat costume.
All right, Danny, you can relax.
I put the dog in the bathroom.
That is so mean.
No, I got him a magazine.
Oh.
Come on, Norm.
It was just so cool,
the way you pulled it off with Taylor today.
I know.
I know.
I almost believed it.
Believed what?
Norm.
Danny, I need to talk to Norm alone.
No, no way.
I am not leaving my friend Norm when he is on the spot.
No.
I mean, I feel responsible for this.
I mean, I got to be here for him.
You know?
I mean, what kind of a guy would I be if I just walked out?
I mean, how can I look myself and say no--
All right.
I paid her to come in and pretend she had a job.
But I had no choice.
I didn't want to go to prison.
What would you do?
I'll tell you what I would do.
I would take somebody who screwed up
and I would do everything in my power
to save their miserable butts.
Just like I've been trying to do with you.
Well, that's another way to go.
You know, I still happen to think
that my job is important,
even though to you it's just one big joke.
But by letting her stay there,
you are ruining the rest of her life.
Oh, Lori, that's not what I was trying--
And don't worry.
I'm not going to tell on you.
I am just so disappointed in you, Norm.
Norm, you're just the most selfish man on--
Everything you do is to make your own life easier.
And you even make your little dog dust.
Hey, Taylor.
Norm, what are you doing here?
Look, that whole making you lie thing was wrong.
And I think I just screwed you up, Norm.
I've been feeling pretty bad.
But I think I got a way to fix it.
Check this out.
You know how you were worried
that you weren't qualified for a legitimate job
that pays this kind of money?
Well, I opened the paper today
and I found something great.
Here, read this.
Models wanted no experience necessary.
Norm, this is an ad for hookers.
What?
Oh, man.
I ordered choice cuts of beef from this ad over here.
I'm going to get a young boy, aren't I?
Why are you still looking for another job for me anyway?
Isn't your boss off your back?
Look, Taylor, how about we get you into a group home?
You know?
That way, you'll be with women like yourself, you know?
Look, look.
Here's a picture of an ex-prostitute here.
See how happy she looks picking an apple off a tree there?
I'm not interested.
Oh, well, there's other ones.
Oh, here's a good program.
Oh, you don't do heroin, do you?
It's too bad.
That was a good one, too, there.
Norm, you're wasting your time here, all right?
I'm not leaving, so unless you want something else
for your 50 bucks other than just bad attitude,
you really ought to go.
Look, Taylor, I don't think you understand.
You're a huge whore.
Look, I didn't want to have to do this,
but I can have you busted
and force you into one of these programs for your own good
if that's what it takes.
Fine, you do that.
And I'll tell your boss that you paid me to lie.
Then you'll go to jail.
You can't use that against me, Taylor.
That'd be a violation of the, what do you call,
you know, prostitute social worker privilege.
I swear I'll do it.
All right, fine, fine.
I'll go to jail.
But let me tell you something, young lady.
You're gonna have to give me a few pointers
on how to please a man, I'll tell you that.
So, did, uh, Curtis call you?
Nah, I don't even know if Taylor filed a report yet,
but they carted her off to that apple farm last night,
so it's just a matter of time.
Norm, I want to see you in my office immediately.
Well, that's it. It's over.
Yeah, look at that Curtis, huh? He loves it.
Well, I got nothing to lose. I'm going to prison anyway.
Hello, Mrs. Curtis.
This is going to be hard for you to hear, man,
but your husband is cheating on you.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Can you put your mommy on the phone?
Norm, I heard what you did about Taylor,
and I'm very proud of you, and I think you did the right thing.
Yeah, well, the trouble with doing the right thing
is you end up going to jail.
Well, you're not going to jail.
Yes, I am.
Taylor filed a report, and she sent it to Curtis.
You mean this report that the clerk
accidentally gave to me for $200?
Yeah, that's the one.
Cut!
I'm not going to jail.
No, well, I'm sure you're going to go to jail eventually,
but not for this.
Look, thanks a lot, Lori.
Okay.
Hold down the fork.
I've got big problems at home.
So, Norm, you hear from Taylor?
Oh, yeah.
She's doing great.
She sent me a card thanking me.
And she should, too, man.
That place has got Olympic-sized swimming pools.
It's got tennis courts.
And water-walled prostitutes.
Oh, here's the pizza.
Got it.
Oh, hey, can I help you?
You've got my dog.
What are you talking about?
I got him from the pound.
Hey, I'm the one that took him there.
Now, the wife's on my back
about dropping the rat off at the pound.
I need him back.
Here, give him the dog.
No, I love this dog.
Plus, this guy probably beats him.
Just give me the dog, okay?
No, you gave him up.
He's my dog now.
You can't take my dog.
Oh, really, huh?
We're social workers, pal.
We can take children.

Episode 1 Norm and the Prototype 1999 03 24

Hey, uh, Doug, uh, you better, uh, move out of the middle of the street there.
That's what he's going to step on.
And what are you lost?
Come on, buddy, you got to move.
Ah, here you go.
There you go.
What are you, crazy?
That's a stick.
All right, I'm here.
What's the big surprise?
Laurie, I found this dog.
Wait till you see him.
It's amazing.
How long's he been doing that?
About an hour.
Watch this.
Look, behind you.
A huge pile of bones.
Look, look.
It's, it's, it's a helpless kitten.
Another dog's butt.
Yeah.
I even taught him a trick.
Watch this.
Hey, wait a second.
He's got a, a tag.
Oh, check it out.
Maybe he's got diabetes or something.
What's your address on it?
Norm, did you even look?
No, I didn't look.
I found this dog abandoned in the middle of the sidewalk.
232 West 20th Street.
Yes, that's exactly the address I found him.
Yes, that's exactly the address I found him.
Hey, you found Snoopy.
I taught him never to budge from the front of his house.
Where the hell did you find him?
Where the hell did you find him?
Not here, I'll tell you that.
He was, uh, he's way down there.
Then, then, then over something.
Gotta put a leash on that thing, you know.
He's, he's a runner.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Okay, Billy, now you understand
why you're seeing a social worker, don't you?
'Cause you're lonely?
Yeah, lonely, that's a good one.
That's pretty funny there, Billy.
Yeah, actually, I am lonely, Billy, but, uh...
The thing is, that's not why you're here.
You shoplifted.
So?
So, it's a crime,
and your foster family doesn't know what to do about it.
Wait a second.
You're Norm Henderson, the hockey player.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were with the Oilers.
Right, right.
So, Billy, you should understand, then,
that just like in hockey,
there are penalties and rules.
Didn't you get arrested for gambling and tax evasion?
Oh, yeah.
Well, that was very complicated there, Billy.
Uh, you know, I didn't get the forms at the right address.
You cheated and got kicked out of hockey for life.
Why should I listen to you?
Well, for one thing,
you don't want to do five years of community service
as a damn social worker, that's why.
So, I made a gamble on the sport I was involved in,
and then avoided paying taxes on that gambling,
but you stole, all right?
You stole a, uh...
A comb.
Stole a comb?
All right, well, you can go, then.
You come back when you stab somebody, all right, Billy?
Hey, hey, what the hell are you doing there, ass face?
Oh, my God, did I sit down?
And then Mr. Curtis, sir.
See, you're saying it so often,
you got me saying it to the guy now.
Norm, you realize the day I get sick of your nonsense
is the day you go to prison.
Oh, sir, what?
I'm doing my job here.
Well, it's been, what, six months?
Let's review your accomplishments.
And we're done.
Well, hold on, sir.
Wait a minute here.
Wasn't there, there was the, uh...
Okay, I'm done, too.
What's this?
Uh, a client sent that to me, sir.
Well, you realize you can't have this on your desk in this office.
Well, that's ridiculous.
It's a cross.
Oh, yeah, the thing is, Danny, uh, there are a lot of Christians that work here,
and, uh, their Savior was actually nailed to a cross.
Hello, boys.
Are we ready to help people?
You're our favorite governess, Mary Poppins.
So, Norm, did you tell Danny about how you kidnapped that dog?
Oh, yeah, you know what?
I'm gonna get a dog of my own, you know?
I love the idea of having a friend that I can lock up when I'm not using him.
No, no, no, you don't want a dog, man.
You don't want a dog.
I mean, you know I'm scared of dogs.
They bite me.
Oh, you gotta understand, you know,
dogs use their mouth 'cause they have no hands.
What they want to do is punch you.
You know what you ought to do, Norm?
You should go down to the pound and get a dog.
Uh, yeah, aren't those dogs used?
Uh, I have my heart set on a new dog, you know?
What is the matter?
I mean, just because it's had a couple of relationships, suddenly it's used.
I don't think we're talking about the dog anymore.
Yes, we are.
We are talking about a living, caring thing that has been treated unkindly
and needs to find a warm and loving home.
Now we're not talking about the dog anymore.
Okay, people, I've got today's assignment sheet.
Well, Norm, I've got some news about one of your cases.
A certain young lady named Taylor Clayton.
Oh, well, there you go, sir. There's an accomplishment.
I got that kid off the street and I got her a job.
She's working in a massage parlor.
What? I got her a great job at a pizza place.
Well, did you ever call the pizza place to find out how she was doing?
Yeah, I called her tons of times. She was never even there.
You know, I can never tell if you're joking or you're just stupid.
Well, I try to mix it up, sir, you know.
Look, I want you to go down there and get her out of there right now, okay?
And make it look appropriate by taking somebody with you.
It is a massage parlor.
Oh, oh, oh, please, please, me.
I mean, I really enjoy field work.
I haven't had field work in, like, six months.
All right, well, you blew it.
Come on, Lori.
Oh, no, not a massage parlor, sir.
No, no, damn it.
I wore my good shoes.
Look at that woman. This is so sad.
Which one?
I was looking at that one.
She's sad, too, but maybe not as sad as the one you're looking at.
Don't embarrass me.
Now, how are we going to get to Taylor?
Because we can't say that we're social workers.
Oh, yeah, no, don't worry.
I've given this a lot of thought. Come on.
Hi, uh, is Taylor Clayton working?
Yeah, what can we do for you?
Well, me and the wife, we're kind of swingers, you know?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, she likes to watch, but...
Can we just, uh, do this, please?
See how eager she is there?
Dorm, what are you doing here?
They want a massage, Taylor.
They do.
So, how much is one of these?
For a couple, it's 100 bucks.
I only got $30 here.
Oh, I know. I'll go through my wife's purse.
You know, he's really not even very good.
Can I watch somebody else?
Look, I appreciate you getting me the job at the pizza place, Norm,
but I couldn't work there anymore.
There was this guy there, and he used to hit on me.
Yeah, I can see how that'd be annoying.
That'd be like somebody coming in here and demanding pizza.
I've just never been in a place like this before.
So, guys, come in here and you just, uh, do it.
Yeah, you gotta forgive my colleague.
She's not really familiar with the intercourse-related industries.
Well, I do know one thing, young lady.
You're violating probation, you could go to jail.
That's the only place I can make this kind of money.
At least until I'm old enough to strip.
That must have been some career day in your high school, huh?
Can I see you in the hallway for just a second?
We're just gonna be one second.
Okay, I was your social worker,
so you're just gonna have to trust me,
as we've been through many times before.
The client can only develop a trust
when the social workers work together
to present a consistent point of view.
So, shut up.
Yeah, that was unrelated stuff, but she's gonna talk now.
So, Taylor, I just want you to know
that you can do better than this.
It's so easy to use the body,
and it's very hard to use the brain.
And what do you know?
She knows a lot.
Not as much as you, you know, about certain things,
but a hell of a lot more than you
when it comes to things men don't care about.
I'll tell you that.
Look, I'm doing fine here.
Now, yes, maybe.
But what about the future?
There is nothing sadder than a 70-year-old prostitute.
Except maybe her customers.
Yeah, you don't want to be taking your teeth out
20, 30 times a day.
Oh, jeez.
What? I'm agreeing with you.
And look, believe me, I know right from wrong.
No, I don't think you do.
Look, I'm gonna give you a test, all right?
Now, this is kind of tricky.
Stay with me, okay?
You steal a loaf of bread, right or wrong?
Wrong.
Okay, you steal a loaf of bread,
but you give it to a starving person, right or wrong?
Still wrong.
Okay, a guy in a bread truck wants to have sex with you
in exchange for cash.
Oh, jeez.
What are you reading?
It's not a book on dogs, is it?
Yeah, I'm looking for one that likes to eat bald guys.
You know, I also have asthma.
Maybe you can get a dog that smokes.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
So, Norm, plan A with Taylor didn't work out,
so what do you got in mind for plan B?
Oh, uh, well, you know, I was gonna do nothing,
but I thought I'd be too lazy,
so I'm gonna get drunk.
You can't just give up.
She's your case.
Well, I like the kid, but, you know,
if she doesn't want to get help, you can't help her.
I lost one, so what?
You know what, Norm?
You're right.
Losing's not so bad.
Yeah, it's just like all those hockey games you lost.
You're used to it.
Very well.
I didn't lose those hockey games.
No.
You lost all the ones I saw.
Okay, let me get something straight for you guys, all right?
I was a great hockey player.
I was only a bad hockey player
compared to other professional hockey players.
Oh, Lori!
Glad I bumped into you.
Good job getting the Larson boy plays.
Oh, thank you, sir.
And, Danny, thanks for finding the money
for the new senior transportation program.
Drinking your lunch again, Norm?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, sir, no, sir.
Just one beer to help sharpen the senses
and help me care somewhat about people.
Uh-huh.
So, how did it go getting Miss Clayton
out of the massage parlor?
Oh, uh, not so good, sir.
Uh, but it's not a massage parlor
the way you think of as a massage parlor.
So, she doesn't have sex with the customers?
Well, is that what you think?
Well, then it is a massage parlor.
All right, look.
Now, I want that young woman
out of that place,
and I want it done now.
And if you don't,
I'm telling your probation officer
that your community service is a failure
and you're going to prison.
Fine, but when I break out of prison,
I'm coming after you, Curtis.
Not really.
I'll probably just get drunk
and try to find a bride.
Norm, I couldn't sleep at all last night.
We've got to get you out of this mess.
Danny, get over here.
We've got to figure out a way
to keep Norm from going to prison.
Well, way ahead of you.
Okay, here's what we do.
I go down to the massage parlor.
Pretend I'm a client, all right?
Then, I get a massage.
And then what?
Well, instead of paying the young lady,
I leave the pamphlet,
is this really what you want for your life?
Look, I appreciate you guys,
you know, trying to help and everything,
but I had a long talk with Taylor last night,
and I have a feeling things are going to work out.
Oh, Norm, I'm so proud of you.
Norm, Norm, I'm so glad you're here.
You'll never guess what happened.
I quit the massage parlor,
and I got a job as a weather girl,
and I'm going back to school.
Oh, great enthusiasm, Taylor,
but this isn't my boss.
And also, you might want to change
you might want to change weather girl to fry cook.
Oh.
We're scamming Curtis, and I'm in on it.
No, you're not.
Beat it, Weevil.
Norm, Norm, I'm so glad you're here.
You'll never guess what happened.
What?
Well, I quit the massage parlor,
and I got a job as a fry cook.
And I'm going back to school.
You're kidding.
That's fantastic.
What?
Oh, sir.
Oh, this is, uh, Taylor Clayton, sir,
ex-massage parlor worker,
now a fry cook.
Well, congratulations.
You must feel good about yourself.
Oh, I do.
Not as good as if I'd become a weather girl.
Weather girl.
Okay, well, you go then, Taylor.
And remember, you never have to return.
You're cured.
Well, I never thought I'd say this, Norm,
but, um, good job.
Oh.
What are you watching?
Oh, it's one of those phone-in polls on CNN.
You call in, it's like $1.50 to vote.
So far, 12% have paid $1.50 to say,
"I don't know."
There's the new little baby.
There he is.
What's he doing with a mop on his belly?
Oh, he wants to show