Name: Episode 2 Norm Dates a Client 1999 03 31
Uploaded: 2022-05-09T05:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 2 Norm Dates a Client 1999 03 31' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-09. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 2 Norm Dates a Client 1999 03 31' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-09. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

I'd like you to remember when you're voting on next year's budget,
we handle more cases here than any other office in the city.
And all our caseworkers have top credentials.
Lori here has a master's degree from NYU.
And Danny. Danny's been recognized for his work in foster placement.
Oh, don't forget about me there, sir.
And this is Norm, a washed-up professional hockey player
who was convicted of tax evasion.
So they shoved him down our throat.
Oh, sir. He's always trying to work in that I was a hockey player.
Listen, Lori, can you take over this client for me?
I've tried, but I just can't get through to him.
Good for you, Danny. It takes a big man to ask for help.
I'm very proud of you.
Thanks. Oh, by the way, he smells like a bag of dead feet.
God forbid somebody should come in here smelling like a normal human being.
Oh, this goes way past smell.
It has a texture, kind of like stucco.
I can't believe it.
After all the time you've worked here,
you can't get past a little personal hygiene problem?
Hello, Mr. Gray.
I'll be your...
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
Hey, hello?
Hello, Mr. Gray. My name is Lori.
Hey, Danny. I'm starving. I got to get a lunch, man.
Listen, can you keep your eye out for a new client of mine?
He's pathologically shy.
Sure.
Thanks, buddy.
You know, I'd wait for him, but, you know, he's supposed to be here at noon,
and it's already like 1.30.
Hey, how's it going?
I'm going to his bed, Emily.
Oh, uh, hey, uh, hey, listen.
I'm waiting for this pathologically shy guy.
You haven't seen anybody around here like that.
I don't...
I'm going to say if you need to let him say that.
I want to help him, you know.
Hey, if he asks me nicely, I'll even take him to lunch.
We'll talk over his problem there.
What do you think?
I'm going to say, but they don't let him in.
Hey, would you guys please be quiet?
I got an incredibly shy guy over here, and I can't hear a damn word he's saying.
I don't like people looking at me.
Oh.
Oh, okay, continue to be quiet, but do not look at the incredibly shy guy,
would you?
You should know before I go any further, William, I have no training in this
specific area of mental health.
What area do you have training in?
Professional hockey.
But it doesn't matter, you're so screwed up, basically anyone can help you.
Oh, thanks.
Can I get some ketchup, please?
You are so good with women.
No, I'm not.
I am just like you, William, you know.
But we all got to get out there and try.
All you need is a little confidence, you know.
You're as good as anybody else.
I'll tell you what, you pick out any girl in this bar, and we'll go up and talk
to her.
How about her?
What are you, nuts?
You're pretty cocky for an incredibly shy guy, aren't you?
How about her?
Yes, yes, her.
That's better.
Not as good, which is better?
Hi, uh, hi, I'm Norm.
Oh, I'm Diane.
Hi, and this is my friend, William.
Hi, William.
I know what that look means.
Yeah, sure, you saw her first, but come on, huh?
You got the big yacht and the paycheck and everything?
Give me a chance for once.
Ah, what's the use?
I know how this is gonna end anyway.
You go ahead, go ahead.
You know, I've seen you in here before.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I come in here once in a while, yeah.
But not William.
William's what you call, uh, fresh meat.
I have a confession.
The time I saw you in here, I almost came up and talked to you.
What, really?
Yeah, I've always had a weak spot for dimples.
Why, I don't have dimples?
Yeah, you do.
Really, I do?
Yeah, well, I gotta admit, actually, I kind of use these a lot, you know,
because I don't have anything else.
Yeah, I use my boobs.
I like this place.
Yeah, good for you, good for you.
So, listen, uh, I can't believe you didn't come up and talk to me.
You know, you gals can do that nowadays, you know,
at the women's lib and everything.
Yeah, I felt stupid.
I was afraid of getting rejected.
I'm afraid of getting rejected.
Buy a dog.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Tell me about this woman you met in the bar, it's been like a week already.
Oh, Diane, Diane's amazing, you know.
I never have to worry about what I say when I talk to her, you know.
She just understands.
I think I blacked out there for a second.
Did you say anything about sex?
I don't want to rush it, you know.
When it happens, I want the moment to be right, I want it to be special.
You mean like how it happens in your diary, Blossom?
Mr. Gray is back.
Does he always smell like that?
Why do you think we're in here?
Oh, my God.
You know, if you take him outside and the sun's just right, you can see a
rainbow through it.
All right, I'm going to go out and talk to him.
I can't believe nobody in his life has ever mentioned this to him.
He lives alone.
He used to live with his mother, but she died a year ago.
Maybe he has her on him.
Hello there, Mr. Gray.
Hi.
Oh, let's just take a look at your file here and we'll see what's what.
I've just dropped my pencil.
Oh, God.
I'm having trouble getting a job.
I see.
Well, maybe if we put our heads together, we can not literally put our heads
together.
No, we don't do that, do we?
No, but maybe we can figure out why that is.
I know why I can't get a job.
I stink.
No, well, maybe just a little.
Showering doesn't help.
Oh, I don't shower.
No, no, you wouldn't.
Shower.
No, I have an extreme fear of water touching my body.
I've tried bathing and showering, but I just panic and run out.
Oh, I see.
Well, um...
Oh, uh...
Well, I just dropped my pencil.
He's afraid of water.
We have to help him.
One of you has got to take a shower with Mr. Gray.
No, there's no way I'm getting into a shower with P. U. Stinkington.
All right, all right, I'll do it.
Okay.
Danny's obviously afraid of what might happen.
What are you talking about?
What would happen?
Well, you'd be naked in a shower with a guy.
You're afraid you'd get aroused.
No, I would not get aroused.
You're telling me there's no way you'd get aroused showering with a naked guy?
Absolutely not.
Really?
I would.
Okay, you better do it.
I don't believe you're doing this to me.
Good news, Mr. Stingyton.
I mean, Mr. Gray.
Um, your original social worker, Danny,
is going to help you confront your fears,
and he's going to confront a few of his own.
So, anyway, Danny will call you later,
and you can go now.
So, bye-bye.
Goodbye, Mr.
Oh, my God.
If anyone needs me,
I will be in the bathroom setting myself on fire.
Norm?
Diane!
Danny, this is Diane.
I can't believe you're here.
This is great.
I have a client here.
What are you doing here?
I work here.
I'm a social worker.
You never told me you were a social worker.
Yeah, well, you never told me you were in need of state help.
Norm, uh, you, you, you guys,
you can't date, okay?
It's totally against the, the rules.
And besides, she's Lori's client.
If she finds out, she's going to go nuts.
So she won't find out.
Oh, hi, Diane.
Hi, see you've met Norm.
Um, yeah.
Nice to meet you, Norm.
Nice to meet you, Diane.
Hey, would you like to go out with me?
No, that would be against the rules.
Nope.
I like rules, so I would not do that.
What are you, a crazy person?
You get caught dating her,
you get thrown out of here.
Oh, come on.
What's the big deal?
I met her before I knew she was a client.
Norm, it's, it's a dual relationship, okay?
Eventually, it's going to lead to sex.
Yeah, well, so what?
Why can't I have sex with a client?
I mean, it's not like we're psychiatrists
or undertakers.
It's right here in the social worker's handbook.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Intimate contact with clients is strictly prohibited
and will result in immediate dismissal.
What?
Let me see that.
This is 1998.
This is outdated.
Danny, come with me.
Just got a call about Mr. Gray.
He's on the third floor.
He's locked himself in the bathroom.
Or it could be a regular room.
We just don't know.
What's going on?
It's an emergency, sir.
Norm, could you finish up
the employment profile on Diane?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's not ready for one of your clients.
Oh, no, he is, sir.
And if anything goes wrong,
I take full responsibility.
Norm, get in there and do me proud.
Yeah, surprise us all.
What's this?
That's the new 1999 social worker handbook.
Damn it!
Hi.
Hi.
Can we talk?
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I didn't realize what a huge deal this is.
We have to stop seeing each other.
What?
Yeah, if anybody found out,
I'd be in huge trouble.
I thought you said trouble was your middle name.
Oh, no, I misspoke.
Trouble is my last name.
My middle name is do anything to avoid.
Come on, Norm.
You're the best thing that's happened to me
in a long time.
I mean, you're warm and decent and funny.
Yeah, plus I have soft hands,
but that's not the point.
The point is,
you see, I'm here doing community service,
and if I get fired,
I can go to prison, so.
I see.
You're right.
We can't tell anybody.
What?
No, no, no, Diane.
No, no.
Diane, Diane.
Diane, there's people.
There's people out there.
This is wrong.
Diane, Diane.
Obviously, you haven't seen
the new 1999 handbook.
Come on, Norm.
I've never done anything this dangerous before,
but I want to do it with you.
Oh, no.
No.
I don't.
Diane.
Diane, this has to stop
right here, right now.
Or maybe right over there right now.
Or maybe on that end table
twice right now would be good.
Do I have to take my bathing suit off?
Yes.
Thank you on my shoulders,
and I'll give you a piggyback ride in.
All right.
Here we go.
Nice water.
Happy water.
Okay.
Now slowly back into the shower.
I can't do it.
The water's moving too fast.
It's trying to kill me, man.
No, it's not.
It just wants to take the smell off you
and watch it down the drain
and out to the ocean
where it can kill marine life, okay?
Come on.
No good.
No good.
No good.
Oh, God.
Get out of me.
Get out of me.
Why doesn't anyone think this is unusual?
Come on.
You're just going to have to stand here, okay?
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Do it great.
Now it's starting to feel really uncomfortable.
You know, don't let your fear beat you.
You can do this.
But it burns.
It's all in your head, okay?
There are no devils in that water, okay?
Say it with me.
Oh, it's boiling me alive!
Oh, wow.
There's a cold one, too.
All right, everyone.
I have an announcement to make.
The cleaning staff has just informed me
that there's good reason to believe
someone had sex in the counseling office.
And if I find out who it is,
I'm going to fire them so quick.
And I don't mean quick in a civil service way.
I mean really quick.
That's a hell of a thing,
coming in here,
upsetting people,
accusing everybody like that.
Who in this office
would be so low
as to do such a thing?
I bet it's Jameson
and that muffin lady.
You know,
he's an odd duck,
that Jameson.
Oh, hi, Diane.
I got stung by a bee.
Norm, I want you to join us in the session.
You earned it.
You were so good with Diane yesterday.
Really?
Did she say that?
I guess I'd better knock first,
make sure no one's in there making love.
Listen, Norm,
she's so sweet.
I can't lie to her anymore.
I've got to make this right.
What?
Lori, I've got some news.
I know you might not like it,
but I really feel I've got to tell you.
This is going to be my last session.
I'm not going to come in anymore.
Oh, that's the bad news.
Oh, that is bad.
Diane, I'm going to make a guess here.
You came to me
because you were having troubles with men
and you wanted to start over
and suddenly everything's hokey-dokey.
You met someone, didn't you?
Yeah, I did.
And he's wonderful.
And that's why
I don't need to come in anymore.
Oh, well, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it, I always say.
Diane, I know your patterns
and this could be very bad,
but I'm willing to give you
the benefit of the doubt,
so what does this guy do?
I'd rather not say.
Oh, don't be afraid.
Tell her.
What is he, a fireman or something?
He's probably a fireman.
Tell her.
Diane, you can't lie to me.
What happened?
You met some stranger
and the whole thing
just started right up again, didn't it?
The week of courtship,
the sex in public places,
I've never done anything
this dangerous before,
just like all the others, right?
All the others?
What, there's others?
What the hell's going on here?
Norm, now,
I try not to judge.
No, no, I'm not judging.
I just feel sorry for the guy
she's going out with,
that fireman, you know?
I mean,
they're a proud breed,
the fireman.
They like to think it's special,
you know,
when they hook up
to the hydrant.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
That didn't sound right.
I can't believe you said that.
It was special with you.
Look,
I know that this sounds bad,
but whatever happened before
doesn't change
the way I feel about you.
You?
Ah-ha!
So that's the name of the guy,
you, huh?
Yeah, probably some sort
of Chinese fireman, you.
God, Lord, Norm!
I'm sorry, Laurie,
but I'll explain later.
I got to...
No, you don't.
You're gonna stay right here.
You have just violated
one of the most fundamental rules
of social work
by sleeping with a client,
and you have betrayed
my trust
and the trust of my client.
And that is where
I take my naps!
Now, we're gonna go over
to Diane's apartment
and apologize,
but when we get there,
she might open the door
just to crack,
so when she does that,
you run in,
and, uh...
and then you fake
a heart attack.
You know the command word.
Heart!
Good boy.
But don't let your tongue
hang out like that.
It looks more like a stroke.
We need to talk.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Laurie,
I know what you're gonna say.
No, you don't.
You didn't follow
the rules in hockey.
You didn't follow
the rules with the IRS,
but you are going to follow
the rules as a social worker,
or you're not gonna be
a social worker.
Yeah, well, you know
what the difference
between me and you is, Laurie?
You think with your head
and I think with my heart.
I say heart!
You are not tricking me
into giving this dog
mouth-to-mouth again.
And I want that videotape back.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry, Laurie,
for letting you down,
but I'm just crazy
about this girl.
The rules against dating clients
exist for a very good reason.
There is a lot that you don't know
about Diane.
Basically, she dates men
to make her ex-boyfriend jealous,
so he'll come over
and beat the crap out of them.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
I know Diane.
She wouldn't do that.
Norm, it is the Popeye
olive oil bludo syndrome.
Olive oil keeps on flirting
with bludo,
and then she screams for Popeye
to come over
and beat the crap out of him.
You know who I love
is that guy
always wants a hamburger.
What's his name?
You're missing this.
Look, Diane is the classic olive oil,
and she's using you, bludo,
in her psychodynamic model
of love, violence, and affirmation.
I'd gladly pay you Tuesday
for a hamburger today.
He never paid, though, you know.
You're an idiot!
Come in.
Oh, hey.
Hi, Norm.
Hi, Diane.
Listen, I've been calling you all night.
Yeah, I know.
I felt really bad
about running out like that.
We gotta talk.
Oh.
I'm really sorry, Lori.
No, that's all right.
I was just trying to help
the two of you
from making a huge mistake,
but, ah, you know what?
Maybe Norm's right.
Maybe there just shouldn't be
any rules
in the whole wide world.
Hey, well, maybe we all
should just rub ice cream
on our asses
and run down the street
yelling,
howdy, I'm on fire!
Think about that.
What's going on?
I don't know.
She has this crazy idea
that you're trying to use me
to make your ex-boyfriend jealous
or something.
I don't know.
She said that?
She thinks I'm still
hung up on Joey?
Yeah.
Well, that'd be sick.
He was a horrible person.
I know.
That's what I told her.
Look, I can't stand you
doubting me.
I'm gonna prove it to you.
What?
What are you doing, Diane?
Hello, Joey.
This is Diane.
Just wanted to tell you
I am never going
to see you again.
Just wanted my new boyfriend
to hear me tell you that.
Oh, and what are you
going to do about it?
Oh, sure.
You're all talk.
Oh, yeah, you big,
strong, tough guy.
You're olive oil.
Yeah, that's right.
My new boyfriend, Norm.
No, no, no.
Don't tell him my name.
Norm Henderson.
Oh, you're olive oil.
You're olive oil.
Yeah, I'm at his apartment
right now.
We're gonna be making love
all night long,
and there is nothing
you can do about it.
Right here at 228 West 20th Street
apartment.
I can't believe
the client's boyfriend
trashed your apartment.
What a jerk.
Although before he left,
he was considerate enough
to have sex with Diane
in my bed.
Well, I hope you learned something.
Actually, I did.
You know, I will never have
sex with a client again.
I'm not even gonna listen
to their stupid problems anymore.
Oh, now, no.
Don't.
You know what I mean, Matt.
But you were making
really good progress
with your shy guy, right?
Yeah, yeah.
You know what?
He's supposed to be here
by now, actually.
I wonder where he is.
I don't have a lot
of experience with women,
but I have a really good
feeling about this.
Norm, he's moving.
I think he's okay.
He's moving.
Oh, no, no.
The 911 people said
that even if he's moving,
to keep doing it.
Oh, okay.
Here.
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on.
What are you doing
with that camera?
What?
What the hell is so fun?
That is not funny.
No, no, no.
What the fuck?
I'm all right.

Episode 2 Norm Dates a Client 1999 03 31

I'd like you to remember when you're voting on next year's budget,
we handle more cases here than any other office in the city.
And all our caseworkers have top credentials.
Lori here has a master's degree from NYU.
And Danny. Danny's been recognized for his work in foster placement.
Oh, don't forget about me there, sir.
And this is Norm, a washed-up professional hockey player
who was convicted of tax evasion.
So they shoved him down our throat.
Oh, sir. He's always trying to work in that I was a hockey player.
Listen, Lori, can you take over this client for me?
I've tried, but I just can't get through to him.
Good for you, Danny. It takes a big man to ask for help.
I'm very proud of you.
Thanks. Oh, by the way, he smells like a bag of dead feet.
God forbid somebody should come in here smelling like a normal human being.
Oh, this goes way past smell.
It has a texture, kind of like stucco.
I can't believe it.
After all the time you've worked here,
you can't get past a little personal hygiene problem?
Hello, Mr. Gray.
I'll be your...
I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.
Hey, hello?
Hello, Mr. Gray. My name is Lori.
Hey, Danny. I'm starving. I got to get a lunch, man.
Listen, can you keep your eye out for a new client of mine?
He's pathologically shy.
Sure.
Thanks, buddy.
You know, I'd wait for him, but, you know, he's supposed to be here at noon,
and it's already like 1.30.
Hey, how's it going?
I'm going to his bed, Emily.
Oh, uh, hey, uh, hey, listen.
I'm waiting for this pathologically shy guy.
You haven't seen anybody around here like that.
I don't...
I'm going to say if you need to let him say that.
I want to help him, you know.
Hey, if he asks me nicely, I'll even take him to lunch.
We'll talk over his problem there.
What do you think?
I'm going to say, but they don't let him in.
Hey, would you guys please be quiet?
I got an incredibly shy guy over here, and I can't hear a damn word he's saying.
I don't like people looking at me.
Oh.
Oh, okay, continue to be quiet, but do not look at the incredibly shy guy,
would you?
You should know before I go any further, William, I have no training in this
specific area of mental health.
What area do you have training in?
Professional hockey.
But it doesn't matter, you're so screwed up, basically anyone can help you.
Oh, thanks.
Can I get some ketchup, please?
You are so good with women.
No, I'm not.
I am just like you, William, you know.
But we all got to get out there and try.
All you need is a little confidence, you know.
You're as good as anybody else.
I'll tell you what, you pick out any girl in this bar, and we'll go up and talk
to her.
How about her?
What are you, nuts?
You're pretty cocky for an incredibly shy guy, aren't you?
How about her?
Yes, yes, her.
That's better.
Not as good, which is better?
Hi, uh, hi, I'm Norm.
Oh, I'm Diane.
Hi, and this is my friend, William.
Hi, William.
I know what that look means.
Yeah, sure, you saw her first, but come on, huh?
You got the big yacht and the paycheck and everything?
Give me a chance for once.
Ah, what's the use?
I know how this is gonna end anyway.
You go ahead, go ahead.
You know, I've seen you in here before.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I come in here once in a while, yeah.
But not William.
William's what you call, uh, fresh meat.
I have a confession.
The time I saw you in here, I almost came up and talked to you.
What, really?
Yeah, I've always had a weak spot for dimples.
Why, I don't have dimples?
Yeah, you do.
Really, I do?
Yeah, well, I gotta admit, actually, I kind of use these a lot, you know,
because I don't have anything else.
Yeah, I use my boobs.
I like this place.
Yeah, good for you, good for you.
So, listen, uh, I can't believe you didn't come up and talk to me.
You know, you gals can do that nowadays, you know,
at the women's lib and everything.
Yeah, I felt stupid.
I was afraid of getting rejected.
I'm afraid of getting rejected.
Buy a dog.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Tell me about this woman you met in the bar, it's been like a week already.
Oh, Diane, Diane's amazing, you know.
I never have to worry about what I say when I talk to her, you know.
She just understands.
I think I blacked out there for a second.
Did you say anything about sex?
I don't want to rush it, you know.
When it happens, I want the moment to be right, I want it to be special.
You mean like how it happens in your diary, Blossom?
Mr. Gray is back.
Does he always smell like that?
Why do you think we're in here?
Oh, my God.
You know, if you take him outside and the sun's just right, you can see a
rainbow through it.
All right, I'm going to go out and talk to him.
I can't believe nobody in his life has ever mentioned this to him.
He lives alone.
He used to live with his mother, but she died a year ago.
Maybe he has her on him.
Hello there, Mr. Gray.
Hi.
Oh, let's just take a look at your file here and we'll see what's what.
I've just dropped my pencil.
Oh, God.
I'm having trouble getting a job.
I see.
Well, maybe if we put our heads together, we can not literally put our heads
together.
No, we don't do that, do we?
No, but maybe we can figure out why that is.
I know why I can't get a job.
I stink.
No, well, maybe just a little.
Showering doesn't help.
Oh, I don't shower.
No, no, you wouldn't.
Shower.
No, I have an extreme fear of water touching my body.
I've tried bathing and showering, but I just panic and run out.
Oh, I see.
Well, um...
Oh, uh...
Well, I just dropped my pencil.
He's afraid of water.
We have to help him.
One of you has got to take a shower with Mr. Gray.
No, there's no way I'm getting into a shower with P. U. Stinkington.
All right, all right, I'll do it.
Okay.
Danny's obviously afraid of what might happen.
What are you talking about?
What would happen?
Well, you'd be naked in a shower with a guy.
You're afraid you'd get aroused.
No, I would not get aroused.
You're telling me there's no way you'd get aroused showering with a naked guy?
Absolutely not.
Really?
I would.
Okay, you better do it.
I don't believe you're doing this to me.
Good news, Mr. Stingyton.
I mean, Mr. Gray.
Um, your original social worker, Danny,
is going to help you confront your fears,
and he's going to confront a few of his own.
So, anyway, Danny will call you later,
and you can go now.
So, bye-bye.
Goodbye, Mr.
Oh, my God.
If anyone needs me,
I will be in the bathroom setting myself on fire.
Norm?
Diane!
Danny, this is Diane.
I can't believe you're here.
This is great.
I have a client here.
What are you doing here?
I work here.
I'm a social worker.
You never told me you were a social worker.
Yeah, well, you never told me you were in need of state help.
Norm, uh, you, you, you guys,
you can't date, okay?
It's totally against the, the rules.
And besides, she's Lori's client.
If she finds out, she's going to go nuts.
So she won't find out.
Oh, hi, Diane.
Hi, see you've met Norm.
Um, yeah.
Nice to meet you, Norm.
Nice to meet you, Diane.
Hey, would you like to go out with me?
No, that would be against the rules.
Nope.
I like rules, so I would not do that.
What are you, a crazy person?
You get caught dating her,
you get thrown out of here.
Oh, come on.
What's the big deal?
I met her before I knew she was a client.
Norm, it's, it's a dual relationship, okay?
Eventually, it's going to lead to sex.
Yeah, well, so what?
Why can't I have sex with a client?
I mean, it's not like we're psychiatrists
or undertakers.
It's right here in the social worker's handbook.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Intimate contact with clients is strictly prohibited
and will result in immediate dismissal.
What?
Let me see that.
This is 1998.
This is outdated.
Danny, come with me.
Just got a call about Mr. Gray.
He's on the third floor.
He's locked himself in the bathroom.
Or it could be a regular room.
We just don't know.
What's going on?
It's an emergency, sir.
Norm, could you finish up
the employment profile on Diane?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
He's not ready for one of your clients.
Oh, no, he is, sir.
And if anything goes wrong,
I take full responsibility.
Norm, get in there and do me proud.
Yeah, surprise us all.
What's this?
That's the new 1999 social worker handbook.
Damn it!
Hi.
Hi.
Can we talk?
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I didn't realize what a huge deal this is.
We have to stop seeing each other.
What?
Yeah, if anybody found out,
I'd be in huge trouble.
I thought you said trouble was your middle name.
Oh, no, I misspoke.
Trouble is my last name.
My middle name is do anything to avoid.
Come on, Norm.
You're the best thing that's happened to me
in a long time.
I mean, you're warm and decent and funny.
Yeah, plus I have soft hands,
but that's not the point.
The point is,
you see, I'm here doing community service,
and if I get fired,
I can go to prison, so.
I see.
You're right.
We can't tell anybody.
What?
No, no, no, Diane.
No, no.
Diane, Diane.
Diane, there's people.
There's people out there.
This is wrong.
Diane, Diane.
Obviously, you haven't seen
the new 1999 handbook.
Come on, Norm.
I've never done anything this dangerous before,
but I want to do it with you.
Oh, no.
No.
I don't.
Diane.
Diane, this has to stop
right here, right now.
Or maybe right over there right now.
Or maybe on that end table
twice right now would be good.
Do I have to take my bathing suit off?
Yes.
Thank you on my shoulders,
and I'll give you a piggyback ride in.
All right.
Here we go.
Nice water.
Happy water.
Okay.
Now slowly back into the shower.
I can't do it.
The water's moving too fast.
It's trying to kill me, man.
No, it's not.
It just wants to take the smell off you
and watch it down the drain
and out to the ocean
where it can kill marine life, okay?
Come on.
No good.
No good.
No good.
Oh, God.
Get out of me.
Get out of me.
Why doesn't anyone think this is unusual?
Come on.
You're just going to have to stand here, okay?
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Do it great.
Now it's starting to feel really uncomfortable.
You know, don't let your fear beat you.
You can do this.
But it burns.
It's all in your head, okay?
There are no devils in that water, okay?
Say it with me.
Oh, it's boiling me alive!
Oh, wow.
There's a cold one, too.
All right, everyone.
I have an announcement to make.
The cleaning staff has just informed me
that there's good reason to believe
someone had sex in the counseling office.
And if I find out who it is,
I'm going to fire them so quick.
And I don't mean quick in a civil service way.
I mean really quick.
That's a hell of a thing,
coming in here,
upsetting people,
accusing everybody like that.
Who in this office
would be so low
as to do such a thing?
I bet it's Jameson
and that muffin lady.
You know,
he's an odd duck,
that Jameson.
Oh, hi, Diane.
I got stung by a bee.
Norm, I want you to join us in the session.
You earned it.
You were so good with Diane yesterday.
Really?
Did she say that?
I guess I'd better knock first,
make sure no one's in there making love.
Listen, Norm,
she's so sweet.
I can't lie to her anymore.
I've got to make this right.
What?
Lori, I've got some news.
I know you might not like it,
but I really feel I've got to tell you.
This is going to be my last session.
I'm not going to come in anymore.
Oh, that's the bad news.
Oh, that is bad.
Diane, I'm going to make a guess here.
You came to me
because you were having troubles with men
and you wanted to start over
and suddenly everything's hokey-dokey.
You met someone, didn't you?
Yeah, I did.
And he's wonderful.
And that's why
I don't need to come in anymore.
Oh, well, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it, I always say.
Diane, I know your patterns
and this could be very bad,
but I'm willing to give you
the benefit of the doubt,
so what does this guy do?
I'd rather not say.
Oh, don't be afraid.
Tell her.
What is he, a fireman or something?
He's probably a fireman.
Tell her.
Diane, you 