Name: Episode 4 While You Weren't Sleeping 1999 04 14
Uploaded: 2022-05-11T05:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 4 While You Weren't Sleeping 1999 04 14' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-11. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 4 While You Weren't Sleeping 1999 04 14' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-11. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Episode 4   While You Weren't Sleeping 1999 04 14

Oh, my God. Don't look behind you. Don't look behind you.
- Where? - Don't. I said, "Don't look."
That's a girl I used to know. She's the most beautiful woman in the world.
- What? Where? - Don't look, I said.
Oh, no. She is beautiful. She's got a great body.
Oh, come on, guys. This is so unfair.
I mean, I've seen pretty girls before. I can handle myself.
I'm not gonna make a fool out of myself.
Oh, sweet mother of God.
Who is she?
It's Becky Mason. I used to know her when I played hockey.
She went out with the toughest guy on the oil.
Oh, she's hot!
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, when I was, uh, playing hockey, man,
I had the hugest fantasies about her, you know?
And they weren't all with sex, either. They were romance, you know?
Man, I remember this one when I used to...
Yeah, that one was actually just sex.
Look at you. The woman you've always wanted is standing right there,
and you're just sitting here talking about it.
You know, see, that's the problem with all of us.
You know, that's why we never meet anybody.
We never take any chances.
You know, you're right.
I mean, what's the worst a woman can say?
No? I mean, I'd rather live with a no than live my life scared.
There you go.
I'm gonna take some risks, damn it.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna talk to her.
Oh, no, no, no, not her. That's way too risky.
What are you, what are you, Robbie Knievel?
Hi, I'm Danny, and I find you very attractive.
And I think that, you know, after we talk for a while,
you'll find that I'm a good person to spend time with.
You're bald.
I have to go home now.
Danny's example made me realize something.
Hey, at least I'm not bald.
I'm gonna approach a guy tonight.
I mean it.
Help me pick out somebody.
Uh, hey, how about that big fat guy at the bar?
Why?
Well, big fat guy.
He won't run out on you.
You know, he can't run. Big fat guy.
Now, see, that's a nice-looking guy.
I want to talk to him.
Oh, my God, what would I say?
I'll help you out.
Hey, come on over here, buddy.
No, Norm, Norm, don't.
Hey, listen, pal.
Me and my friend are trying to find somebody to, you know,
that she can talk with, you know.
And I picked you.
She picked a big fat guy.
Can you believe it?
Ah.
You know I've lost three women to him already this week.
May I join you?
Yeah, sure, yeah.
So, Norm, now might be a good time for you to go talk to Becky.
Why's that?
Oh, yes, right, right, right.
Listen, just remember one thing there, Lori.
If he really likes you, he'll wait till the second date.
Hey, Becky.
Oh, my God, Norm Henderson.
Hey, what are you doing here?
You work here or something?
I just started.
Hey, you know, I heard you got thrown out of hockey for life.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, just till I'm 75.
Boy, did I have a crush on you.
What?
Well, I know you did.
No, no, I just loved watching you down on the ice.
Just to get in all those fights.
Oh, my God, yeah, I must have been in a hundred fights.
So, what are you doing now?
Oh, I'm a social worker.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, I help people.
You know, it's not as bad as it sounds.
I can't believe they tamed you.
It's too bad.
I kind of had a thing for the old Norm Henderson.
Oh, no, they didn't tame me.
Hey, listen, can you tame a lion, right?
Actually, I guess you can tame a lion, right?
Look at you.
You're so cute now.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, you want to go out sometime?
Yeah, I don't like cute.
Fine, bronze like you are a dime a dozen.
I'll see you in hell, baby.
That's still cute?
Mm-hmm.
Did I say baby?
I meant dirty whore.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Hey, Molly, listen, let me ask you something.
When I was younger, I used to get in a lot of fights,
and I don't do that anymore, but I'm still a tough guy, right?
I mean, I still look like a guy who can handle myself.
You look like the kind of guy who would have to handle himself.
Guys, I am exhausted.
I haven't slept in two days.
I got you.
Yeah, right.
You and your Scottish boyfriend going all night long, huh?
Say it alone.
No, no, no.
That's not it.
It's just that I...
I think it's 'cause Paul really is this great guy, you know?
And then I start putting all this pressure on myself,
and I'm worried about screwing it up,
and then I can't get any sleep.
Hello, everybody.
Daddy, did you buy a cat?
I mean, you know, you seem so happy and full of confidence,
and you got a cat on your head, so...
Daddy, I think it looks great.
It's a whole new you.
Isn't it?
But I'm still just trying it out.
I get to wear it for 30 days,
and if I like it,
then I start making payments towards the two grand.
Grand?
Come on, man.
Your whole head didn't worth two grand.
Excuse me.
Oh, yes, hi.
Hi.
Did you just get into a cab at 21st and Park?
Oh, yeah.
I was picking up my two...
my, uh, two-liter bottle of hair conditioner.
Well, when you were getting into the cab,
I saw you drop this,
so I jumped in the cab and followed you.
Oh, wow, thanks.
Uh, but it's not mine.
Sorry.
Oh, oh.
God, this is so embarrassing.
A guy like you probably thinks I did this just to meet you.
Why would you do that?
Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
A guy like me.
Yeah.
Hey, uh, listen, uh, you know, don't...
don't be embarrassed.
I mean, you know, uh...
I mean, since you came all the way down here,
why don't you let me buy you a cup of coffee?
Sure.
That'd be great.
Yeah, okay.
Maybe later we can go swimming or someplace windy.
All right, what are you doing here?
It's 3:30 in the morning.
Yeah, I know.
I know what time it is.
I just couldn't sleep.
I'm wired.
So you want to talk about something?
Hey, how's your life going?
Uh, it's going all right.
I mean, you remember Becky, that girl at the bar?
Uh-huh, Becky, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I know Becky.
Yeah, well, she, uh, she still thinks I'm a big wimp, you know,
since I don't play hockey.
Wimp, you're a wimp.
Yeah, I got it.
You want to go bowling?
Bowling?
It's the middle of the night.
So what?
There's a lot of cool things to do in the middle of the night.
There's no lines either.
Last night I went down to the A&P.
I watched them unload this big lettuce truck.
Yeah, I got it.
You want to go bowling?
Bowling?
It's the middle of the night.
So what?
There's a lot of cool things to do in the middle of the night.
There's no lines either.
Last night I went down to the A&P.
I watched them unload this big lettuce truck.
And no lines, you said.
Yeah, no, no.
And I talked to the driver.
His name is Felipe.
He likes to smoke crystal meth and see how fast his big rig can go.
Pedro and I, we're going to organize some kind of an intervention.
Did you know that iceberg is the heaviest lettuce?
No, I always thought that I was just an urban legend.
Hey, hey, did you know that lettuce is not really a vegetable?
It's a fruit.
Oh, no, no.
That's tomatoes.
Oh, my God.
I'm never going to sleep again.
Listen, it's all right, Lori.
Look, just relax, all right?
Just relax.
You get some sleep.
Hey, hey.
You know, my grandfather, when I couldn't sleep, used to tell me this story.
You know?
Let me see if I can remember it.
Once upon a time, there was a king.
No, a duck.
A duck.
And maybe he was king of the ducks.
Yeah, now that I think about it.
Once upon a time, there was the king of the ducks.
Or maybe he was just a mid-level duck official.
I can't remember.
But the important thing is that he tried.
So, one time, the king of the ducks became a swan.
And no, God, that's not possible.
A duck became a swan?
I don't think that's even something I can remember.
If I can remember it.
Once upon a time, there was a king.
Once upon a time, there was a king.
No, a duck.
A duck.
A duck.
A duck.
A duck.
And maybe he was king of the ducks.
Yeah, now that I think about it.
Once upon a time, there was the king of the ducks.
Or maybe he was just a mid-level duck official.
I can't remember.
But the important thing is that he tried.
Uh, no, God, that's not possible.
A duck became a swan?
I don't think that's even something that could, uh, what?
Wienerdoc!
Wienerdoc!
Get the remote!
Wienerdoc!
Wienerdoc!
Slow down, for God's sake.
You got no attention span.
That's fine.
So you've only had two hours of sleep in two days?
Yes.
I-- it's so weird.
It's like Norm is the only person who can help me get to sleep.
Why can't he sleep with Paul?
I don't know.
Now when he stays over, I have to lie there and pretend, so he doesn't think
that there's
anything wrong.
It's-- oh, he's not going to sleep.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
I'm going to sleep with Paul.
Oh, no.
It's like the first relationship I've had where I have real orgasms and I have
to fake sleep.
I missed you last night.
Yeah.
You didn't come over.
Yeah.
Well, there was an emergency.
Oh.
Yeah.
I had a problem with my cat.
Do you mind?
We'd like a bit of privacy.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know you wanted to speak in private.
Laurie, let's not fool ourselves.
I know you can't sleep when you're with me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm sure it's just temporary.
This is a bit off-putting.
I wish she felt safe enough with me to fall asleep in my arms.
Oh, Paul.
You know, no man could help me with this.
Not you.
Not Norm.
Well, I mean, I'm certainly not Norm.
Why'd I say that?
That's laughable.
I've been thinking, you know, if we're gonna keep seeing each other, there's
something you
ought to know.
This is, uh, not my real hair.
It sure looks real.
So it's okay with you?
It's like if you were dating a woman and she lost an eye and went out and got a
fake eye,
you wouldn't hold that against her, would you?
Of course not.
Danny, I don't have a fake eye.
Oh.
I'll be right back.
Don't you go away.
I'll just be sitting right here under all my hair.
Hey, hey, Danny, listen, and I need a favor, you know?
Uh, you know Becky?
You know?
Well, uh, her shift's starting soon and I gotta impress her.
See, she thinks I'm this big wimp, you know?
So I figured, uh, it'd be good when she came in if you and I were having a,
kind of a bar fight, you know?
It'd be easy.
I'd just, uh, you know, punch you in the face a couple times and then you'd run
out crying.
No way.
I mean, Nancy's here.
I'm not gonna look like a big wuss in front of my girlfriend.
Ah, come on, it'll be easy, you know?
As soon as Becky comes in, you just put your fists up like this.
Look, put them down.
I'm not doing this.
Come on, man.
You gotta make it look real.
Come on.
Ow!
Stop it!
That hurt!
What the hell is that?
You look like you're fighting me for a pillowcase at a white sale or something.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, man.
You're just like that.
Geef!
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Knock it off!
Knock it off!
Don't fight in the bar!
Especially if it's gonna look like that.
He started it?
Hey, I got my hair mussed up in a bar fight.
I'm gonna go see what it looks like.
What's the matter with you?
I mean, this is a place of business.
You can't go start in fights here.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Oh, hey, Becky.
Oh, hey, sir.
Can you repeat that last part?
I said you can't go start in fights here.
Oh, yeah!
Hey, what's going on?
Nothing.
I just got into a fight, you know?
Again.
With who?
With, uh, that guy over there.
No, I'm sorry.
It was that bigger guy over there.
Ooh.
Norm, you know you're not playing hockey anymore.
You've gotta learn to control yourself.
Now, let's get you out of here
and see if we can't find a better use
for some of that pent-up energy.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Hey, Grizzly.
Cover for me.
I'm gonna get this guy out of here
before he kicks that guy's ass again.
Kick my ass?
Yeah.
Yeah, kicking his ass would be easy, you know?
It'd be far more humiliating for him
if we just walked out, you know,