Name: Episode 5 My Name is Norm 1999 04 21
Uploaded: 2022-05-12T05:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 5 My Name is Norm 1999 04 21' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-12. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 5 My Name is Norm 1999 04 21' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-12. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

what are you doing finally don't just toss them in there like that we use a
system it's called
alphabetical oh really well I must say my system seems faster than here sir
okay find the Beck
file for me Beck well I guess your system does have an upside too okay let's
try it your way
Unger a b c d e f g h i j k l m n f e q r s t u Unger Zellner a b c d e f g h i
j k you're just
doing this to annoy me aren't you will put these files in order and you'll do
it off the clock
after hours I bring my good dress to work so I can get to the symphony in a
hurry and my date calls up
and says he's gay again why do you want to go to that boring stuff anyway
because I spend all day
around people with awful problems you don't see prostitutes at the symphony
well maybe you do but
they're they're dressed so pretty yeah why don't you ask Dan I don't want to go
with Danny people will
think we're together you know I'm right here I can hear you do you think I
would have said that if I
have said that if I didn't see you there
hey Norm great news you know the job interview you set up for me I got the job
oh that's fantastic I knew you could do it who are you
Phil I came in last week hey can I buy you a drink oh no that's all right no
come on just one oh no really it's part of my job although I am a huge freeloader
I guess so all right
hey first of all I did not say that you were ugly okay what I said was that it
is wrong for people not
to hire you because you're obviously ugly that's not you that's them you are
right here's to my new
found self-esteem have a shot no no no I can't drink anymore no what's the
matter little lady can't drink
no no no no no no no come on have another shot no no no no no I can't drink no
more what's the matter little lady can't drink
I just got linoleum and it's cool against my face, okay?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, come on, have another shot.
- No, no, no, no, I can't drink, no more.
- What's the matter, little lady can't drink?
- Hey, I can drink.
- Hey, ah.
- Ah, you're good people, here, have another shot.
- No, no, no, no, no more, no, no, no.
- What's the matter, little lady can't drink?
- Hey, I can drink, all right?
- Yeah, all right, good.
- Ah!
- Where am I?
- Ah!
If I have a $20 bill in my hand, I'm gonna kill myself.
- Don't worry, Norm, you're safe.
We're in rehab.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad, too bad.
- Rehab?
What do you mean rehab?
How the hell do we get in rehab?
- Alcohol, my friend.
Once in a while, I just have to check myself into rehab.
- What?
And what, do you get 50 bucks off if you bring a friend?
- Hey, I asked you before I brought you here,
and you said, "Okay."
- I don't remember you asking me anything.
- Sure you do.
At the bar when it closed,
I said, "Little lady doesn't want to go to rehab?"
Hey, you signed yourself in.
- Oh, my God, was that what that was?
I thought I was getting bowling shoes.
- Oh, I cannot believe this.
- Lori, what are you doing here?
- You put me down as your emergency contact.
How could you take Phil out drinking?
He is an alcoholic.
Didn't you read his file?
- Oh, well, who can find files in that place?
- It's your job to know exactly what's in that file, mister.
When Curtis finds out about this,
he is gonna rip you a new one.
- Uh, you can't reason with him, Lori.
He's a raging alcoholic.
- No, he's not.
This man has no commitment to anything,
not even alcohol.
- See, I'm not a drunk.
I've never been that drunk before in my life.
- You wanna tell me how the hell you could let this happen?
- Phil! Phil is how!
Phil got me drunk, and Phil made me sign in!
- Norm, you know what?
If you were a woman, you'd have a trailer full of kids.
- Norm, these files still aren't in alphabetical order.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that was taken forever,
so I invented a better system.
- Okay, well, how the hell do I find Mr. Giannopoulos?
- Giannopoulos.
There you go.
- That's the file in Mr. Cox.
- Oh.
Well, if it had been Giannopoulos,
how cool would that have been, right?
- Norm, I heard about your trouble.
I'm in AA, and I wanted to give you this pamphlet.
- Oh. Hey, Danny, Judy Bitterman's in AA.
- Shh!
No names, please.
It's Alcoholics Anonymous,
and I think you could use their help to get sober.
I don't know where you go to get help
for laziness and stupidity.
- Hey, Danny, Judy Bitterman says I need AA.
- Well, she oughta know.
- Do either one of you understand what anonymous means?
- But we know you, Judy Bitterman.
- Hey, hey, where are you going?
- Come back here, Judy Bitterman.
- Judy Bitterman.
- Take 12 steps back here.
- Norm, can I see you in the counseling room?
- Ah, yes, sir.
- That's gonna be about Phil.
You know, you take one alcoholic out on a big binge,
all of a sudden, you're a bad social worker.
Sir, I can assure you that what happened with Phil
will never happen again.
- This isn't about Phil, Norm.
Now listen, aside from being your boss,
I am a social worker,
and I'm sensitive to certain things.
You're not gonna wanna hear this, Norm,
but you have a disease.
- I have a disease?
- What disease?
- The disease of alcoholism.
- Oh, my God, you scared the hell out of me there, sir.
I thought you meant a real disease.
- Alcoholism is a real disease.
Can I share something with you?
- Ah, not really, sir.
I don't care for sharing.
It often turns ugly in my experience.
- Well, look, the reason I care so much
about your recovery is, well, my brother was an alcoholic,
and I let him down.
- Oh, yeah, see, this is the part I don't care for, sir.
- We've been estranged for 20 years.
I didn't understand that it is an illness.
- Oh, yeah, well, don't blame yourself, sir.
How could you know?
I'd probably just look like a guy drinking a lot of booze, right?
- My brother never faced his problems,
but you have to face your problems.
- But, sir, I'm not an alcoholic.
- Well, you're in denial, Norm.
That's the first sign of being an alcoholic,
is denying that you are an alcoholic.
- Well, yeah, that's the first sign of being an alcoholic,
but it's also the first sign of not being an alcoholic.
- Norm, I feel I'm partly responsible for your problem.
I've been a tough boss.
I've been too hard on you.
I'm reducing your workload effective immediately.
- Oh, you are?
Are you saying, sir, that as long as I'm an alcoholic,
I won't have to work so hard?
- Yes?
- Well, help me, sir, I'm an alcoholic, sir!
- Listen up, everybody.
I've cleared this with Norm.
He says you're all friends,
so he's not afraid you'll judge him.
Norm is an alcoholic.
And because he's one of our own,
we're gonna do everything in our power
to support him while he recovers,
including lessening some of his duties.
- I'm just trying to shake this alcoholism.
- Now, I'm sure I can count on all of you
for your help and understanding.
- What the hell is going on here?
- I've been slaving away in this office for 10 years,
and you just swoop on in here
and come up with some valid excuse to slack off?
I love you.
Can I call you daddy?
- No, I didn't have any choice.
You know, it was either that,
or accept responsibility for something I did wrong.
I mean, that wasn't an option.
- But it's a lie.
- Come on, Lori, you tell me you never lie.
- Well, I tell white lies.
Like, you know, you look cute in bangs,
or people get off heroin all the time.
But not big lies.
- Come on, Lori, what's the big deal?
I'm just pretending to be an alcoholic.
Hey, what about all those alcoholics
that run around pretending to be regular people all the time?
- You, you, you don't get it, do you?
Alcoholism is a serious problem.
You can't just use that for your own selfish purposes.
- That's the beauty of it.
He figured out you can.
- Well, I cannot let you do this, Norm.
Mr. Curtis?
- Yes, Lori?
- Mr. Curtis, I hate to do this,
but as the expert on addiction problems in this office,
I know that you will believe me when I say
that I know alcoholics, and Norm is not an alcoholic.
- I'm an alcoholic.
- What?
- Mary, you've been sitting next to me for 12 years.
I had no idea.
- I know.
I've been sitting here desperately hoping
you'd hear my subtle cries for help.
But if Norm has the courage to come out
and Mr. Curtis can embrace him,
I realize I can do this without being afraid.
I'll lose my job.
- Oh, my God.
I gave you a rum cake for Christmas, didn't I?
- Yes, and I ran to the restroom and ate it.
- Lori, I'm disappointed in you.
You're not aware of Mary's problem, and she sits right next to you?
- Oh, no, sir, sir, you mustn't blame Lori, really, sir.
- We're very sneaky, you know, booze hounds like me and Mary.
- Oh, hey, Danny.
- Where have you been?
- Oh, I was at an AA meeting over there at the Cineplex Odeon.
Just trying to take it one movie at a time.
Oh, hello, wiener dog.
How you doing, buddy?
It is so nice of Mr. Curtis to let you stay here, isn't it?
He's not very smart, is he?
- Norm, you know the National Addiction Therapist Seminar,
which I've always attended and I've always wanted to speak at,
but I've never been invited to speak.
Can you guess what's coming next?
- Oh, why would they want me?
- Well, because Mr. Curtis thinks
that as a social worker struggling against addiction,
you would have a unique perspective.
Speaking of which, I had a question for you.
Does that hurt?
- Ow, ow, Mr. Curtis, Lori's hurting me, Mr. Curtis.
- Don't you dare tell on me.
- Look, I didn't do this on purpose, Lori.
I didn't ask for any of this.
It's just that, you know, I wanted to get out of some work.
That's all.
You know, although I guess it is quite an honor, huh?
- Norm, you're not actually thinking of giving a speech.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, not a long one, but, uh--
- Do you know what you're doing, Norm?
You're about to give a speech,
which is a total lie to a national organization.
- Hey, wait a minute, national.
That could be good, you know?
Alcoholism could explain my being kicked out of hockey
and all my gambling problems.
Hey, wait a second, doesn't being drunk
cause you to be impotent?
- Yes, you can.
- Yes, excellent!
- Now, Lori, you gotta snap out of this.
- Maybe it's just me, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not any good.
I mean, I missed Mary.
There she was at the next desk.
Big, red nose, staring me right in the face.
- So is that what you're wearing for your big speech?
- Oh, no, no, I'm gonna change in the limo
they're sending for me.
- Hey, Norm, I'm over here.
- Hey, who's that?
- Oh, that's Heidi, I met her in AA.
She won't tell me her last name,
but I'm used to that from every woman
that I ever dated in my entire life.
Oh, hey, Joe, Joe, listen, give me a coffee,
would you, beer and a coffee mug?
- Sorry, Norm, you know I can't give you a drink.
- I don't want a drink, I want a large coffee.
- A large beer and a large coffee mug?
- You're an alcoholic, I can't serve you.
- Who told Joe I was an alcoholic?
- I did.
Hey, Joe, mmm, this frosty glass of beer is so good.
- Hi, thanks for coming tonight, Norm.
I was a little afraid you might not show up.
- Really, why?
- I don't know if you heard me speak
the other night at the meeting,
but I've had a lot of sleazy sexual encounters
I'm not proud of.
- Yeah, I heard, I heard.
- I'm dealing with a lot of regrets.
- Oh, no, you shouldn't feel bad about that.
You probably did a lot of good.
- But thank God those days are over, huh?
- Yeah, those days are over?
Why are those days over?
- Well, because the first year of sobriety
is no sex, no relationships.
- Oh, well, that's great.
- Yeah, nothing better than getting to know a person
for a full year before you have sex with them.
Well, good luck with that, huh?
- Norm, could I talk to you?
- Oh, yeah, sure, Mare, yeah.
- Norm, I'm not doing too good.
At first, I really embraced the idea of recovery,
but now I don't know if I can go through with it.
- Oh, well, don't worry about it, Mare.
Let me tell you a little story about willpower.
- I once had a dog named Scooter.
- Who gives a crap?
I need a drink.
- Show some self-control.
Scooter was a--
- I had self-control.
I wouldn't be here right now.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Well, okay, let me think here.
All right, okay, you can have two drinks.
- What, are you insane?
I'm an alcoholic.
I need you to tell me what to do.
- Oh, hey, Lori, can you get some help over here?
- Mary, Mary, take a deep breath.
Take a breath.
There you go, there, that's better now, there.
- I don't know if I can do this.
Norm, what gave you the strength
to finally go into rehab?
- Oh, rehab?
Well, I had some support there.
I, uh, oh, uh, what's the matter,
little lady afraid to go to rehab?
- Oh, my God, Norm!
Come on, Mary, come on.
We're going to take you someplace
and get you some help.
- Now, I'd like to introduce to you
an unlikely hero, a man who came to us
after disgracing the sport that he played in.
- A man who refused to pay taxes
to the country that was his birthplace.
But who, by coming forward,
has made himself a valuable weapon
in our fight against addiction.
Ladies and gentlemen, Norm Henderson.
- Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Before we begin, I, uh, I want to thank
all the esteemed colleagues of mine here on the dais.
Mr. Curtis, Mr. Whittaker,
some fat guy, I don't know who he is.
I brought it next to him, I figure maybe
that's his wife or something.
And, of course, the guy in the pre-suit.
Ladies and gentlemen, I, uh, I came here
to talk to you tonight about my drinking problem,
but, uh, well, the truth is, uh,
I'm not an alcoholic.
I, uh, I, uh, I lied.
Yeah, yeah, you see, when people thought
I was an alcoholic, they treated me with such kindness.
I guess this proves the old saying,
"Everybody loves a drunk."
Anyway, uh, the point is, we're all human.
"Who here has not pretended they had an ailment
"to get out of work?
"Who hasn't put their arm in a sling
"to get on an airplane first?
"Who among us can say, in all honesty,
"that they never pretended to be blind
"so that they could take their wiener dog
"into the supermarket?"
So, in, uh, in summation,
um, look, uh, folks, there, there actually is,
uh, one hero here tonight, that woman,
Lori Freeman, who, uh, who just came in
from taking a real alcoholic to get some help.
She's the one that deserves to be up here, not me.
So, uh, Lori, come on up here
and get the credit you deserve, huh?
You know, Lori was my, uh, social worker,
and she was actually the one who, uh,
who suggested to the judge
that he changed my sentence to community service
because she thought that I could do some good.
You know, and in all humility,
I think I, I think I have done some good, you know?
Except for the, except for the part where I lied
about being an alcoholic, and all this.
And some other stuff that,
that really is not relevant here today.
- Sweet.
- Oh, and, uh, in all fairness,
I, I should tell you that, uh,
my boss, Mr. Curtis, knew nothing about this big lie
until I told him a couple of minutes
before I told you.
And he said to me, he said,
"If you're honest, then you will not be punished."
And I said to him, I said,
"Really, sir, surely I deserve some punishment."
But he said, "No, no, no, you don't get punished."
So, so God bless him, huh?
Now that we've had an overview of social work
and have defined 50 of its key terms,
let's talk about history.
"In 1501, Hermie Pflaufenbaue first stepped out onto
a cobblestone street,
where he stopped to pick up a leper's thumb.
This was the very beginning of social work."
- Do you think she'd notice
if we tried to sneak out?
- Nah.
- Those humble beginnings of gathering...
body parts, the social work,
make the exciting and favorite things.

Episode 5   My Name is Norm 1999 04 21

what are you doing finally don't just toss them in there like that we use a
system it's called
alphabetical oh really well I must say my system seems faster than here sir
okay find the Beck
file for me Beck well I guess your system does have an upside too okay let's
try it your way
Unger a b c d e f g h i j k l m n f e q r s t u Unger Zellner a b c d e f g h i
j k you're just
doing this to annoy me aren't you will put these files in order and you'll do
it off the clock
after hours I bring my good dress to work so I can get to the symphony in a
hurry and my date calls up
and says he's gay again why do you want to go to that boring stuff anyway
because I spend all day
around people with awful problems you don't see prostitutes at the symphony
well maybe you do but
they're they're dressed so pretty yeah why don't you ask Dan I don't want to go
with Danny people will
think we're together you know I'm right here I can hear you do you think I
would have said that if I
have said that if I didn't see you there
hey Norm great news you know the job interview you set up for me I got the job
oh that's fantastic I knew you could do it who are you
Phil I came in last week hey can I buy you a drink oh no that's all right no
come on just one oh no really it's part of my job although I am a huge freeloader
I guess so all right
hey first of all I did not say that you were ugly okay what I said was that it
is wrong for people not
to hire you because you're obviously ugly that's not you that's them you are
right here's to my new
found self-esteem have a shot no no no I can't drink anymore no what's the
matter little lady can't drink
no no no no no no no come on have another shot no no no no no I can't drink no
more what's the matter little lady can't drink
I just got linoleum and it's cool against my face, okay?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, come on, have another shot.
- No, no, no, no, I can't drink, no more.
- What's the matter, little lady can't drink?
- Hey, I can drink.
- Hey, ah.
- Ah, you're good people, here, have another shot.
- No, no, no, no, no more, no, no, no.
- What's the matter, little lady can't drink?
- Hey, I can drink, all right?
- Yeah, all right, good.
- Ah!
- Where am I?
- Ah!
If I have a $20 bill in my hand, I'm gonna kill myself.
- Don't worry, Norm, you're safe.
We're in rehab.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad, too bad.
- Rehab?
What do you mean rehab?
How the hell do we get in rehab?
- Alcohol, my friend.
Once in a while, I just have to check myself into rehab.
- What?
And what, do you get 50 bucks off if you bring a friend?
- Hey, I asked you before I brought you here,
and you said, "Okay."
- I don't remember you asking me anything.
- Sure you do.
At the bar when it closed,
I said, "Little lady doesn't want to go to rehab?"
Hey, you signed yourself in.
- Oh, my God, was that what that was?
I thought I was getting bowling shoes.
- Oh, I cannot believe this.
- Lori, what are you doing here?
- You put me down as your emergency contact.
How could you take Phil out drinking?
He is an alcoholic.
Didn't you read his file?
- Oh, well, who can find files in that place?
- It's your job to know exactly what's in that file, mister.
When Curtis finds out about this,
he is gonna rip you a new one.
- Uh, you can't reason with him, Lori.
He's a raging alcoholic.
- No, he's not.
This man has no commitment to anything,
not even alcohol.
- See, I'm not a drunk.
I've never been that drunk before in my life.
- You wanna tell me how the hell you could let this happen?
- Phil! Phil is how!
Phil got me drunk, and Phil made me sign in!
- Norm, you know what?
If you were a woman, you'd have a trailer full of kids.
- Norm, these files still aren't in alphabetical order.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that was taken forever,
so I invented a better system.
- Okay, well, how the hell do I find Mr. Giannopoulos?
- Giannopoulos.
There you go.
- That's the file in Mr. Cox.
- Oh.
Well, if it had been Giannopoulos,
how cool would that have been, right?
- Norm, I heard about your trouble.
I'm in AA, and I wanted to give you this pamphlet.
- Oh. Hey, Danny, Judy Bitterman's in AA.
- Shh!
No names, please.
It's Alcoholics Anonymous,
and I think you could use their help to get sober.
I don't know where you go to get help
for laziness and stupidity.
- Hey, Danny, Judy Bitterman says I need AA.
- Well, she oughta know.
- Do either one of you understand what anonymous means?
- But we know you, Judy Bitterman.
- Hey, hey, where are you going?
- Come back here, Judy Bitterman.
- Judy Bitterman.
- Take 12 steps back here.
- Norm, can I see you in the counseling room?
- Ah, yes, sir.
- That's gonna be about Phil.
You know, you take one alcoholic out on a big binge,
all of a sudden, you're a bad social worker.
Sir, I can assure you that what happened with Phil
will never happen again.
- This isn't about Phil, Norm.
Now listen, aside from being your boss,
I am a social worker,
and I'm sensitive to certain things.
You're not gonna wanna hear this, Norm,
but you have a disease.
- I have a disease?
- What disease?
- The disease of alcoholism.
- Oh, my God, you scared the hell out of me there, sir.
I thought you meant a real disease.
- Alcoholism is a real disease.
Can I share something with you?
- Ah, not really, sir.
I don't care for sharing.
It often turns ugly in my experience.
- Well, look, the reason I care so much
about your recovery is, well, my brother was an alcoholic,
and I let him down.
- Oh, yeah, see, this is the part I don't care for, sir.
- We've been estranged for 20 years.
I didn't understand that it is an illness.
- Oh, yeah, well, don't blame yourself, sir.
How could you know?
I'd probably just look like a guy drinking a lot of booze, right?
- My brother never faced his problems,
but you have to face your problems.
- But, sir, I'm not an alcoholic.
- Well, you're in denial, Norm.
That's the first sign of being an alcoholic,
is denying that you are an alcoholic.
- Well, yeah, that's the first sign of being an alcoholic,
but it's also the first sign of not being an alcoholic.
- Norm, I feel I'm partly responsible for your problem.
I've been a tough boss.
I've been too hard on you.
I'm reducing your workload effective immediately.
- Oh, you are?
Are you saying, sir, that as long as I'm an alcoholic,
I won't have to work so hard?
- Yes?
- Well, help me, sir, I'm an alcoholic, sir!
- Listen up, everybody.
I've cleared this with Norm.
He says you're all friends,
so he's not afraid you'll judge him.
Norm is an alcoholic.
And because he's one of our own,
we're gonna do everything in our power
to support him while he recovers,
including lessening some of his duties.
- I'm just trying to shake this alcoholism.
- Now, I'm sure I can count on all of you
for your help and understanding.
- What the hell is going on here?
- I've been slaving away in this office for 10 years,
and you just swoop on in here
and come up with some valid excuse to slack off?
I love you.
Can I call you daddy?
- No, I didn't have any choice.
You know, it was either that,
or accept responsibility for something I did wrong.
I mean, that wasn't an option.
- But it's a lie.
- Come on, Lori, you tell me you never lie.
- Well, I tell white lies.
Like, you know, you look cute in bangs,
or people get off heroin all the time.
But not big lies.
- Come on, Lori, what's the big deal?
I'm just pretending to be an alcoholic.
Hey, what about all those alcoholics
that run around pretending to be regular people all the time?
- You, you, you don't get it, do you?
Alcoholism is a serious problem.
You can't just use that for your own selfish purposes.
- That's the beauty of it.
He figured out you can.
- Well, I cannot let you do this, Norm.
Mr. Curtis?
- Yes, Lori?
- Mr. Curtis, I hate to do this,
but as the expert on addiction problems in this office,
I know that you will believe me when I say
that I know alcoholics, and Norm is not an alcoholic.
- I'm an alcoholic.
- What?
- Mary, you've been sitting next to me for 12 years.
I had no idea.
- I know.
I've been sitting here desperately hoping
you'd hear my subtle cries for help.
But if Norm has the courage to come out
and Mr. Curtis can embrace him,
I realize I can do this without being afraid.
I'll lose my job.
- Oh, my God.
I gave you a rum cake for Christmas, didn't I?
- Yes, and I ran to the restroom and ate it.
- Lori, I'm disappointed in you.
You're not aware of Mary's problem, and she sits right next to you?
- Oh, no, sir, sir, you mustn't blame Lori, really, sir.
- We're very sneaky, you know, booze hounds like me and Mary.
- Oh, hey, Danny.
- Where have you been?
- Oh, I was at an AA meeting over there at the Cineplex Odeon.
Just trying to take it one movie at a time.
Oh, hello, wiener dog.
How you doing, buddy?
It is so nice of Mr. Curtis to let you stay here, isn't it?
He's not very smart, is he?
- Norm, you know the National Addiction Therapist Seminar,
which I've always attended and I've always wanted to speak at,
but I've never been invited to speak.
Can you guess what's coming next?
- Oh, why would they want me?
- Well, because Mr. Curtis thinks
that as a social worker struggling against addiction,
you would have a unique perspective.
Speaking of which, I had a question for you.
Does that hurt?
- Ow, ow, Mr. Curtis, Lori's hurting me, Mr. Curtis.
- Don't you dare tell on me.
- Look, I didn't do this on purpose, Lori.
I didn't ask for any of this.
It's just that, you know, I wanted to get out of some work.
That's all.
You know, although I guess it is quite an honor, huh?
- Norm, you're not actually thinking of giving a speech.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, not a long one, but, uh--
- Do you know what you're doing, Norm?
You're about to give a speech,
which is a total lie to a national organization.
- Hey, wait a minute, national.
That could be good, you know?
Alcoholism could explain my being kicked out of hockey
and all my gambling problems.
Hey, wait a second, doesn't being drunk
cause you to be impotent?
- Yes, you can.
- Yes, excellent!
- Now, Lori, you gotta snap out of this.
- Maybe it's just me, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not any good.
I mean, I missed Mary.
There she was at the next desk.
Big, red nose, staring me right in the face.
- So is that what you're wearing for your big speech?
- Oh, no, no, I'm gonna change in the limo
they're sending for me.
- Hey, Norm, I'm over here.
- Hey, who's that?
- Oh, that's Heidi, I met her in AA.
She won't tell me her last name,
but I'm used to that from every woman
that I ever dated in my entire life.
Oh, hey, Joe, Joe, listen, give me a coffee,
would you, beer and a coffee mug?
- Sorry, Norm, you know I can't give you a drink.
- I don't want a drink, I want a large coffee.
- A large beer and a large coffee mug?
- You're an alcoholic, I can't serve you.
- Who told Joe I was an alcoholic?
- I did.
Hey, Joe, mmm, this frosty glass of beer is so good.
- Hi, thanks for coming tonight, Norm.
I was a little afraid you might not show up.
- Really, why?
- I don't know if you heard me speak
the other night at the meeting,
but I've had a lot of sleazy sexual encounters
I'm not proud of.
- Yeah, I heard, I heard.
- I'm dealing with a lot of regrets.
- Oh, no, you shouldn't feel bad about that.
You probably did a lot of good.
- But thank God those days are over, huh?
- Yeah, those days are over?
Why are those days over?
- Well, because the first year of sobriety
is no sex, no relationships.
- Oh, well, that's great.
- Yeah, nothing better than getting to know a person
for a full year before you have sex with them.
Well, good luck with that, huh?
- Norm, could I talk to you?
- Oh, yeah, sure, Mare, yeah.
- Norm, I'm not doing too good.
At first, I really embraced the idea of recovery,
but now I don't know if I can go 