Name: Episode 9 Norm, Crusading Social Worker 1999 05 19
Uploaded: 2022-05-16T05:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 9 Norm, Crusading Social Worker 1999 05 19' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-16. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 9 Norm, Crusading Social Worker 1999 05 19' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-16. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Wow, the way those people have managed to survive in the Outback is amazing.
You just look at them and think, their culture has survived since the dawn of
man.
Are we done watching National Geographic floppy breast special?
Spanning the globe...
Hey, why roll the floors?
Oh, I love watching that skier wipe out.
Let's feel a victory.
Here comes the skier.
And the agony of defeat.
What happened to the skier?
Oh, they changed the clip.
This is better.
What a boob!
That boob is me!
Oh, my God, Norm, that was you.
This is so cool!
I'm best friends with the agony of defeat!
I can't believe they couldn't find anybody more ridiculous than me.
I thought they spanned the globe.
Norm, it'll be okay.
No, no, it won't.
Everybody's gonna see this.
Right now the whole country's laughing at me.
The whole country is not laughing at you.
What about all those people with no sense of humor at all?
They don't laugh at anything.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
Too bad that's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Norm, don't.
Don't.
It doesn't do you any good laying here getting all depressed.
Not depressed.
Come on, let's see a smile.
Who wants to see the white guy dance, huh?
Who wants to see the white guy dance, huh?
Who wants to see the white guy dance, huh?
You're never gonna date me now, are you?
No.
As a matter of fact, you just turned me gay.
Norm, I don't even understand why you care.
You didn't care at all about your image when you were known as a gambler and a
taxi baiter.
Because that is cool.
Now, for the rest of my life, till the day I die, I'm gonna be remembered as
the guy who scored a goal with his ass.
Oh, I'm sure that's wrong.
They'll be showing that tape long after you're dead.
Lori, could you please leave and take Danny and that angry lesbian with you?
Now, come on.
I'm not gonna let you give up.
I want to see some fight in you.
Sit up.
Come on.
I want to see you fight.
Now, fight back, Norm.
Come on.
Fight me.
Fight back.
Fight back.
You hit a girl!
Norm, if you want to fix your reputation, then get back on the ice.
I can't.
I'm banned.
The only way I could skate again is if I joined the ice capades.
There's that, uh, charity game at the Garden next month.
You know, maybe the hockey board will give you an exemption so you can play in
that.
Oh, you think they'd let me play?
It's worth a shot.
If you're honest about how badly you want it, they might respect that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna go down there and just tell the truth.
And so, members of the review board, as you consider my temporary reinstatement
into hockey,
I ask that you weigh only the facts and ignore my devastating illness.
And I battle each and every day with the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus
Christ of Nazareth.
Uh, would, uh, would any of you care to pet my dog?
I can't believe they wouldn't let you play in one stupid game.
Yeah, I know.
And this time they banned Wiener Dog for life, too.
Listen, uh, they said that I wasn't worthy of reinstatement, so I was thinking
that, uh, you know, since you trained me in social work, uh, maybe you can go
down there and testify on my behalf.
Uh, no.
Come on, you can tell them, you can tell them all the good things that I've
done, all the people I've helped since I've been here.
Um, you know I love you.
Oh, thanks.
But I can't lie.
I mean, I have to maintain my credibility in order to testify on behalf of my
clients.
Ah, come on.
If I had any credibility, I'd destroy it for you.
Well, it'd be different if I had something to work from, you know.
Like, if Danny needed it, I could say, uh, he has placed hundreds of children
from broken homes and he is one of the most, uh, empathetic and devoted social
workers it's ever been my privilege to work with.
I have to, uh, sharpen my pencil.
Come on, Lori, I haven't helped anybody.
Uh, on occasion you have accidentally helped some delinquent teen by being paraded
as an example of a very bad man.
But that's not really helping.
Okay, fine.
You don't want to help me.
But maybe you'd, maybe you would like to help a, a great American.
Say, uh, Andrew Jackson?
Stop that.
Stop it.
You don't need my testimony anyway.
The review board needs to see you helping people.
And that's the 20 you borrowed from me this morning.
Hey, I can help people.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Can I, can I help you?
Is this the parking violations bureau?
No, no, uh, you gotta get in the elevator and go up to the 17th floor.
It's the second door on your right.
Okay.
Hey, there you go.
I helped a guy.
Parking violations isn't even in this building.
Hey, Danny, listen.
Come here, man.
I need some help.
Okay.
What do you go through, uh, the new case files for?
I'm gonna find somebody to help, you know?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna get a high profile case.
I'll get a lot of media attention.
And then the hockey review board will think that I'm a good social worker.
Let me see.
Crack addict.
Crack addict.
Crack addict.
Crack addict.
Geez, does anybody know there's some kind of crack problem in this city?
Oh, this one's terrible.
An old man, uh, locked in a closet by his kids.
Now, now he's rotting away in a city shelter.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
This guy's in one of the most horrible situations I've ever seen.
I hope nobody's helped him yet.
I could get in a lot of trouble for bringing a reporter down to a city shelter
like this,
but I feel that this case deserves to be highly publicized.
Wait a second.
I know you.
Aren't you the new agony of defeat?
Yeah.
Actually, you know, funny thing is, I actually promised a dying child I'd score
a goal on my ass.
Look, Danny told me what you're up to.
I need to talk to you right now.
Yeah, this is Lori.
She's one of the many social workers that I, I train.
I need to ask Norm a question about a lecture he gave on moving irrational
children by the teeth.
Was it like this?
Listen to me.
I know how important it is for you to play in that game, but I'm here to make
sure that your grandstanding doesn't get in the way of helping this poor old
man.
All right, fair enough.
But I'm here to make sure that your helping this old man does not get in the
way of my grandstanding.
Okay, it's show time. Come on.
Mr. Sullivan, my name is Norm Henderson. I am from the Department of Social
Services. How are they treating you, sir?
Fine.
Really?
Uh, you don't, you don't have any complaints? They haven't tied you up into the
bed or anything?
Well, they forgot my fruit cup at lunch.
Ah-ha! Yeah, that's how it starts. Next comes the beatings.
Mr. Sullivan, do you want to tell us what exactly went on at your daughter's
house?
She stole my Social Security check, hit me with hangers, and locked me in the
closet.
Damn it! That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Actually, it does sound sort
of bad when you think about it.
I gotta be honest with you. As serious as all this sounds, it sounds like just
another story of elderly abuse.
Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. You see, I'm gonna use unconventional
methods. That's right.
Like that, uh, Dr. Patch Adams for the motion picture. You know, you know, with
that guy Mork in it.
I don't care how long it takes, or how many articles you have to write about me,
I promise you this, sir.
You will not spend one more night in this hellhole.
Can I stay with you?
What?
He's moving in with you? That's a great story.
Yeah, that's a great story.
Uh, you know what another great story is?
Uh, get this.
Uh, an idealistic young social worker finds an unfortunate old man, and, uh, he
takes him over to the Red Lobster, which I pay for.
And then afterwards, I would bring him back here, uh, with a brand new blanket.
Again, that's all on me.
But there's nothing here for me to write about.
Fine, I'll take him home with me.
Yeah, come on, get a picture here, huh, would you, buddy?
Now, make it clear in the article that this is about my fight for the respect
and dignity of old people.
Hey, what do you think there, pal? Teeth in, teeth out. What do you think of it?
Hey, Sal, I'd like you to meet, uh, all my coworkers. Hey, everybody. This is
Sal, my old guy.
Hello, uh, Mr. Sullivan, I presume?
Yeah. Sal, this is, uh, my boss, Mr. Denby. He's your age.
Norm, I don't like to see you show compassion. Makes me look bad for hating you.
You're right, Norm. He does have a rat-like face.
Listen, Henderson, do your job. Just do your job.
And I don't want any more calls from the papers asking me how to spell your
name, okay?
Is that understood?
And, by the way, I have my mother's face.
It's ten minutes later, Norm. I'd like to try peeing again.
Wow. You two seem to be getting along.
Yeah, yeah, he's a great guy.
Excuse me, can we start the paperwork so we can get Mr. Sullivan placed in a
proper home?
Uh, yeah, don't worry about that. I did all that.
You did? You didn't.
Shh, give me some.
Yeah, I did. I did a lot of other things, too.
Like, uh, uh, did you know that if you get an old person in your place,
you can get all this cool stuff from the government for free?
Like, I got, uh, I got an oxygen tank, you know?
You actually got him in-home visits from the state nurse?
That is above and beyond the call of duty.
I'm very proud of you, Norm Henderson.
Oh, yeah? Oh, thanks, Laura. Yeah, you know.
I gotta admit, I started out just using him, you know?
But it turns out he's a great old guy, you know?
We do everything together, man.
We watch the History Channel, you know?
He calls it the news.
Norm, look. Here's the article on Mr. Sullivan.
Oh, my God, the article came out.
Oh, hey, I'm not even in the picture.
Oh, my, I put him on my shoulders for nothing.
Blah, blah, blah, blah. Here it is.
If the system can't handle him, I'll take him into my own home.
Said crusading social worker Norm Hintergrass.
Mr. Denby.
Yes, Norm?
I thought you said that they called you
about the correct spelling of my name.
This says Hintergrass.
Well, sure.
In case this blows up, I gave them the wrong name
so it wouldn't trace it back to my department.
And the word Hintergrass.
It makes me laugh.
Oh, man, I'm screwed.
I can't take this stupid article to the review board.
You don't need the article, Norm.
You can have Sal here testify directly on your behalf.
Sure, I'll do it.
Oh, great, great.
Great, great.
Okay, Lori, you're gonna have to help me on this.
Uh, which lie should we have him tell?
Oh, you don't need any lies.
No, you did a really good thing all on your own.
Uh, yeah, okay, I get it.
We're gonna pretend like I did a good thing.
No, you really did a good thing.
You're going too fast for me.
Norm, you helped another person.
Yes, okay, good.
So the lie's gonna be I helped another person.
No, you actually helped another person.
Well, then why don't we just say that?
I mean...
Sal.
You look great.
What time is the hearing?
Hearing is three o'clock.
And, uh, don't worry,
'cause with the help of a little oxygen,
you're gonna be as sharp as a tack for that review book.
Oh, wow.
I just remembered where I left my Lincoln Logs in fifth grade.
In 1938, I killed a hobo.
What?
You killed a hobo?
It was a different time.
Uh, yeah, hello.
Hello, Mr. Henderson?
Gee, Sal, uh, we've got to remember to turn down the old guy amplifier on this
thing.
Hello?
Oh, great.
Oh, that's great news.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, we'll be in touch.
Sal, I got great news, man.
I got you placed in the best retirement home in all of New York State.
But I live with you.
Oh.
Well, that's sweet there, Sal.
Yeah, and I love having you here and everything.
But, uh, you'd have much more fun there, you know.
These joints, the ratio of women to men is like five to one.
Good-looking guy like you.
Man, you can have sex with as many wrinkled old women as you want.
If I wanted to have sex with something old and wrinkled, I'd use my hand.
But, Sal, buddy, you know, you know you can't live here forever.
My daughter and her husband tried to put me in a home,
and so I spun a little tale about an old man being locked in a closet.
You-you framed your own daughter?
What are you doing in there?
What do you mean what I'm doing in here?
You're beating me with a hanger, that's it.
Sal, why are you doing this?
In case the cops give me a lie-detected test, I'm gonna tell them that you beat
me.
That ought to go over real well with the hockey review board.
Huh, that's crazy.
Nobody's ever gonna believe I abused an old man.
All right, I'm coming out.
To call the review board.
What?
Well, we're ready to go to the review board.
I couldn't stop telling Danny on the way over what a great job you're doing
with Sal.
Oh, great. Okay, let's go.
Well, wait a second. Where is he?
Uh, Sal? Oh, uh, he died.
Yeah, he's old. He died. Old guys die. So let's go.
Okay. I'm locked in the closet.
He's alive!
What the hell's going on in here?
Norm beat me and he locked me in the closet.
That's not true. That's not true.
He locked himself in the closet.
Please call the police.
I had to do it.
He lied about his kids beating him.
He lied about his kids?
Yes. Yes.
And he was gonna lie about me.
And now I have no character witness for the hockey review board
and I'm starting to have a panic attack.
And I can't get to my Nutter Butters
'cause there's an old man locked in my pantry.
They're delicious.
I'll kill you!
No, just stop. Listen to me. Listen to me.
We cannot keep him in there.
Oh, yeah. Sure we can. That lock is very sturdy.
No, that's not what I mean. It's just, it's not right.
Lori, if we let him out, he's gonna run to the review board
and tell him I abused him and all he needs two hours.
Okay, let me talk to him.
Mr. Sullivan?
This is Lori.
Now, I know you didn't mean to do anything to hurt Norm,
so I'm gonna let you out.
We're gonna talk about this calmly and rationally.
No one's gonna hurt you.
I'm gonna put that S.O.B. in jail.
Get in there!
You know, two hours isn't gonna kill him.
So, you watch him. Let's go. Come on.
Members of the board, as you can see,
I brought my esteemed colleague, Lori Freeman,
who will now testify on my behalf.
If I could just confer with her for one moment.
I'm button one button.
What?
I'm just saying, you have a great body. Use it.
You really think?
No, stop that.
Members of the board.
I am here today to talk on behalf of Norm Henderson,
a man who has done something that I have, frankly,
never seen another social worker do before.
A man who took an abused and needy client into his own home.
Yeah, yeah. And this was a decrepit old man, you know.
He wasn't like a hot 16-year-old runaway with a great rack or anything.
Well, we need to hear from this man directly.
Where is he right now?
Uh, he... well, right now.
That...
Oh, oh, he's at Norm's place.
Are you undressing, Miss Freeman?
No, I just...
Norm, why don't you tell them about yourself?
You can... do that.
And it's very hot in here!
Look, I'll tell you, you know,
I should have done this at the trial, probably.
I just want to tell you guys that, you know,
me gambling the sport and everything,
I know I dishonored hockey, and I just want to tell you that, uh...
I'm sorry.
Norm, I'd, uh...
I'd like to read from the transcript of your trial.
I'm not sorry, I'll never be sorry,
and if I ever say I'm sorry, I'm lying.
But I'm not lying.
I was just lying then.
I swear to God, I'm not lying now.
And if I ever say I was just lying then,
but I swear to God I'm not lying now, I'm lying.
Oh, well, fine.
Then I'd like my apology stricken from the record.
Now, just... well, look, look.
Don't take him back because he helped somebody.
Don't take him back because he apologized.
Don't take him back because he learned a lesson.
Take him back because he's pathetic.
Everywhere he goes, people laugh at him
because of that stupid wide world of sports thing.
That was you?
I didn't know that was you.
My kids love that.
Yeah, of course kids love that.
He's a fool, a boob, an idiot.
He has some delusion that if he gets back into the game
and makes some spectacular play, he'll save his reputation.
But we all know what's gonna happen.
He's gonna fall on his ass.
That's where the smart money is.
That's right.
So all the people will probably come to the charity game
because they want to see the agony guy break his neck.
All right, and ticket sales have been a little slow.
So yeah, all right.
Here's the deal.
If either team will take you, this board will reinstate you.
For one game, no more.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, gentlemen.
And I'll do everything I can to make you ashamed of me.
That'd be normal.
And listen, thanks for all your help.
I know how hard it was for you to lie like that.
When did I lie?
Well, you know, when you called me a boob.
I didn't lie.
Well, you called me a fool.
I didn't lie.
You called me an idiot.
I didn't lie.
You lied.
Sal, Norm.
I know you said we were gonna go to the home together,
but you're gonna have to go in a separate car.
You can't do that.
It screws up all my arrangements.
I can't go either, Sal.
I'm not going to the home, am I?
Tell my daughter it was only business.
I always liked her.
She understands that.
Excuse me, Sal.
Oh.
Can you get me off the hook?
You know.
For old times' sake.
Can't do it, Sally.
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?
Can you get me off the hook?

Episode 9   Norm, Crusading Social Worker 1999 05 19

Wow, the way those people have managed to survive in the Outback is amazing.
You just look at them and think, their culture has survived since the dawn of
man.
Are we done watching National Geographic floppy breast special?
Spanning the globe...
Hey, why roll the floors?
Oh, I love watching that skier wipe out.
Let's feel a victory.
Here comes the skier.
And the agony of defeat.
What happened to the skier?
Oh, they changed the clip.
This is better.
What a boob!
That boob is me!
Oh, my God, Norm, that was you.
This is so cool!
I'm best friends with the agony of defeat!
I can't believe they couldn't find anybody more ridiculous than me.
I thought they spanned the globe.
Norm, it'll be okay.
No, no, it won't.
Everybody's gonna see this.
Right now the whole country's laughing at me.
The whole country is not laughing at you.
What about all those people with no sense of humor at all?
They don't laugh at anything.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
Too bad that's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Norm, don't.
Don't.
It doesn't do you any good laying here getting all depressed.
Not depressed.
Come on, let's see a smile.
Who wants to see the white guy dance, huh?
Who wants to see the white guy dance, huh?
Who wants to see the white guy dance, huh?
You're never gonna date me now, are you?
No.
As a matter of fact, you just turned me gay.
Norm, I don't even understand why you care.
You didn't care at all about your image when you were known as a gambler and a
taxi baiter.
Because that is cool.
Now, for the rest of my life, till the day I die, I'm gonna be remembered as
the guy who scored a goal with his ass.
Oh, I'm sure that's wrong.
They'll be showing that tape long after you're dead.
Lori, could you please leave and take Danny and that angry lesbian with you?
Now, come on.
I'm not gonna let you give up.
I want to see some fight in you.
Sit up.
Come on.
I want to see you fight.
Now, fight back, Norm.
Come on.
Fight me.
Fight back.
Fight back.
You hit a girl!
Norm, if you want to fix your reputation, then get back on the ice.
I can't.
I'm banned.
The only way I could skate again is if I joined the ice capades.
There's that, uh, charity game at the Garden next month.
You know, maybe the hockey board will give you an exemption so you can play in
that.
Oh, you think they'd let me play?
It's worth a shot.
If you're honest about how badly you want it, they might respect that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna go down there and just tell the truth.
And so, members of the review board, as you consider my temporary reinstatement
into hockey,
I ask that you weigh only the facts and ignore my devastating illness.
And I battle each and every day with the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus
Christ of Nazareth.
Uh, would, uh, would any of you care to pet my dog?
I can't believe they wouldn't let you play in one stupid game.
Yeah, I know.
And this time they banned Wiener Dog for life, too.
Listen, uh, they said that I wasn't worthy of reinstatement, so I was thinking
that, uh, you know, since you trained me in social work, uh, maybe you can go
down there and testify on my behalf.
Uh, no.
Come on, you can tell them, you can tell them all the good things that I've
done, all the people I've helped since I've been here.
Um, you know I love you.
Oh, thanks.
But I can't lie.
I mean, I have to maintain my credibility in order to testify on behalf of my
clients.
Ah, come on.
If I had any credibility, I'd destroy it for you.
Well, it'd be different if I had something to work from, you know.
Like, if Danny needed it, I could say, uh, he has placed hundreds of children
from broken homes and he is one of the most, uh, empathetic and devoted social
workers it's ever been my privilege to work with.
I have to, uh, sharpen my pencil.
Come on, Lori, I haven't helped anybody.
Uh, on occasion you have accidentally helped some delinquent teen by being paraded
as an example of a very bad man.
But that's not really helping.
Okay, fine.
You don't want to help me.
But maybe you'd, maybe you would like to help a, a great American.
Say, uh, Andrew Jackson?
Stop that.
Stop it.
You don't need my testimony anyway.
The review board needs to see you helping people.
And that's the 20 you borrowed from me this morning.
Hey, I can help people.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Can I, can I help you?
Is this the parking violations bureau?
No, no, uh, you gotta get in the elevator and go up to the 17th floor.
It's the second door on your right.
Okay.
Hey, there you go.
I helped a guy.
Parking violations isn't even in this building.
Hey, Danny, listen.
Come here, man.
I need some help.
Okay.
What do you go through, uh, the new case files for?
I'm gonna find somebody to help, you know?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna get a high profile case.
I'll get a lot of media attention.
And then the hockey review board will think that I'm a good social worker.
Let me see.
Crack addict.
Crack addict.
Crack addict.
Crack addict.
Geez, does anybody know there's some kind of crack problem in this city?
Oh, this one's terrible.
An old man, uh, locked in a closet by his kids.
Now, now he's rotting away in a city shelter.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
This guy's in one of the most horrible situations I've ever seen.
I hope nobody's helped him yet.
I could get in a lot of trouble for bringing a reporter down to a city shelter
like this,
but I feel that this case deserves to be highly publicized.
Wait a second.
I know you.
Aren't you the new agony of defeat?
Yeah.
Actually, you know, funny thing is, I actually promised a dying child I'd score
a goal on my ass.
Look, Danny told me what you're up to.
I need to talk to you right now.
Yeah, this is Lori.
She's one of the many social workers that I, I train.
I need to ask Norm a question about a lecture he gave on moving irrational
children by the teeth.
Was it like this?
Listen to me.
I know how important it is for you to play in that game, but I'm here to make
sure that your grandstanding doesn't get in the way of helping this poor old
man.
All right, fair enough.
But I'm here to make sure that your helping this old man does not get in the
way of my grandstanding.
Okay, it's show time. Come on.
Mr. Sullivan, my name is Norm Henderson. I am from the Department of Social
Services. How are they treating you, sir?
Fine.
Really?
Uh, you don't, you don't have any complaints? They haven't tied you up into the
bed or anything?
Well, they forgot my fruit cup at lunch.
Ah-ha! Yeah, that's how it starts. Next comes the beatings.
Mr. Sullivan, do you want to tell us what exactly went on at your daughter's
house?
She stole my Social Security check, hit me with hangers, and locked me in the
closet.
Damn it! That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Actually, it does sound sort
of bad when you think about it.
I gotta be honest with you. As serious as all this sounds, it sounds like just
another story of elderly abuse.
Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. You see, I'm gonna use unconventional
methods. That's right.
Like that, uh, Dr. Patch Adams for the motion picture. You know, you know, with
that guy Mork in it.
I don't care how long it takes, or how many articles you have to write about me,
I promise you this, sir.
You will not spend one more night in this hellhole.
Can I stay with you?
What?
He's moving in with you? That's a great story.
Yeah, that's a great story.
Uh, you know what another great story is?
Uh, get this.
Uh, an idealistic young social worker finds an unfortunate old man, and, uh, he
takes him over to the Red Lobster, which I pay for.
And then afterwards, I would bring him back here, uh, with a brand new blanket.
Again, that's all on me.
But there's nothing here for me to write about.
Fine, I'll take him home with me.
Yeah, come on, get a picture here, huh, would you, buddy?
Now, make it clear in the article that this is about my fight for the respect
and dignity of old people.
Hey, what do you think there, pal? Teeth in, teeth out. What do you think of it?
Hey, Sal, I'd like you to meet, uh, all my coworkers. Hey, everybody. This is
Sal, my old guy.
Hello, uh, Mr. Sullivan, I presume?
Yeah. Sal, this is, uh, my boss, Mr. Denby. He's your age.
Norm, I don't like to see you show compassion. Makes me look bad for hating you.
You're right, Norm. He does have a rat-like face.
Listen, Henderson, do your job. Just do your job.
And I don't want any more calls from the papers asking me how to spell your
name, okay?
Is that understood?
And, by the way, I have my mother's face.
It's ten minutes later, Norm. I'd like to try peeing again.
Wow. You two seem to be getting along.
Yeah, yeah, he's a great guy.
Excuse me, can we start the paperwork so we can get Mr. Sullivan placed in a
proper home?
Uh, yeah, don't worry about that. I did all that.
You did? You didn't.
Shh, give me some.
Yeah, I did. I did a lot of other things, too.
Like, uh, uh, did you know that if you get an old person in your place,
you can get all this cool stuff from the government for free?
Like, I got, uh, I got an oxygen tank, you know?
You actually got him in-home visits from the state nurse?
That is above and beyond the call of duty.
I'm very proud of you, Norm Henderson.
Oh, yeah? Oh, thanks, Laura. Yeah, you know.
I gotta admit, I started out just using him, you know?
But it turns out he's a great old guy, you know?
We do everything together, man.
We watch the History Channel, you know?
He calls it the news.
Norm, look. Here's the article on Mr. Sullivan.
Oh, my God, the article came out.
Oh, hey, I'm not even in the picture.
Oh, my, I put him on my shoulders for nothing.
Blah, blah, blah, blah. Here it is.
If the system can't handle him, I'll take him into my own home.
Said crusading social worker Norm Hintergrass.
Mr. Denby.
Yes, Norm?
I thought you said that they called you
about the correct spelling of my name.
This says Hintergrass.
Well, sure.
In case this blows up, I gave them the wrong name
so it wouldn't trace it back to my department.
And the word Hintergrass.
It makes me laugh.
Oh, man, I'm screwed.
I can't take this stupid article to the review board.
You don't need the article, Norm.
You can have Sal here testify directly on your behalf.
Sure, I'll do it.
Oh, great, great.
Great, great.
Okay, Lori, you're gonna have to help me on this.
Uh, which lie should we have him tell?
Oh, you don't need any lies.
No, you did a really good thing all on your own.
Uh, yeah, okay, I get it.
We're gonna pretend like I did a good thing.
No, you really did a good thing.
You're going too fast for me.
Norm, you helped another person.
Yes, okay, good.
So the lie's gonna be I helped another person.
No, you actually helped another person.
Well, then why don't we just say that?
I mean...
Sal.
You look great.
What time is the hearing?
Hearing is three o'clock.
And, uh, don't worry,
'cause with the help of a little oxygen,
you're gonna be as sharp as a tack for that review book.
Oh, wow.
I just remembered where I left my Lincoln Logs in fifth grade.
In 1938, I killed a hobo.
What?
You killed a hobo?
It was a different time.
Uh, yeah, hello.
Hello, Mr. Henderson?
Gee, Sal, uh, we've got to remember to turn down the old guy amplifier on this
thing.
Hello?
Oh, great.
Oh, that's great news.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, we'll be in touch.
Sal, I got great news, man.
I got you placed in the best retirement home in all of New York State.
But I live with you.
Oh.
Well, that's sweet there, Sal.
Yeah, and I love having you here and everything.
But, uh, you'd have much more fun there, you know.
These joints, the ratio of women to men is like five to one.
Good-looking guy like you.
Man, you can have sex with as many wrinkled old women as you want.
If I wanted to have sex with something old and wrinkled, I'd use my hand.
But, Sal, buddy, you know, you know you can't live here forever.
My daughter and her hu