Name: Episode 10 Norm's Coach 1999 05 26
Uploaded: 2022-05-17T05:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 10 Norm's Coach 1999 05 26' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-17. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 10 Norm's Coach 1999 05 26' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-17. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Yeah, so I'm gonna play in this big charity hockey game that's coming up in a
couple of weeks.
It's really cool, you know. It's all real pros. It's a big deal.
Wow. You used to play hockey.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know much about the game?
Hmm, not really.
Oh. Well, basically, you know, I was the greatest hockey player of all time.
Spanning the globe to bring you...
Hey, Norm. They're showing you on TV again.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You're on TV?
Yeah, there I am. I'm that large black man. Well, let's go.
And the agony of defeat.
This is ABC's Wide World's...
My God.
You're the agony of defeat guy.
Yeah, you know, you keep laughing like that, you know, the odds become slimmer
that I'll take you home and have sex with you.
No, you shouldn't be sitting here hitting on women anyway.
You know, if you're ever going to make up for this agony of defeat thing, you
know, don't you think you should be getting in shape for the game?
Come on. I've only been off the ice for a couple of years, you know. I'm as
ready now as I'll ever be.
And one.
Oh, Jesus.
Wiener dog. Wiener dog.
Call 911.
Not 991, you stupid dog.
It's on lock. Come in, quick.
Ah, God. Sometimes I overdo it. I think I did, like, 50 reps.
You kill yourself, man.
No, I gotta keep going. I gotta get in shape. I gotta get in shape.
Here, hold my feet. Here, hold my feet. I'll do some sit-ups.
How many of these do you do?
Ah, I'm up to about 100 a day.
All right. One.
And two.
And all right. Good.
I thought you said you did 100.
Yeah, I do. I do 50 sets of two.
Norm,
you got one chance to do something great and redeem your entire career,
and you're gonna blow it.
Ah, yeah. That's what you think, huh?
Well, let me tell you something, Danny.
Every journey begins with a single step, you know?
And, uh, after all,
I am a professional athlete,
and I think that I know
a thing or two more
about training than you do.
So...
All right.
Now I'm gonna get a little milk here
for some added protein.
Holy Lord, God.
Your damn store only had gallons.
Makes you realize how strong, uh, cows are.
Ah, who am I kidding, you know?
I can't train myself.
I'm gonna get in that game.
I'm just gonna humiliate myself even worse.
Well, how'd you get into shape in your playing days?
Oh, I had this coach, the Panther.
This guy was the master of motivation, you know?
He'd line up the players, and he'd go,
You're losers! You were born losers,
and you'll die losers!
And that was after a win.
Well, you know, maybe you can call him up
and, uh, get him to coach you now.
Nah, I left him a couple of messages,
but, uh, you know, I think he's ashamed of me, you know?
I haven't talked to him since, uh,
you know, that whole thing where I...
where I got kicked out of hockey
for gambling and tax evasion, you know?
But all I need is somebody to train me, you know?
Well, why don't you be my trainer?
Why?
You were born a loser,
and you're gonna die a loser!
What are you talking about?
You're a bald little stump!
Yeah, I was just trying to inspire you.
Oh.
Well, I was...
I was trying to hurt your feelings.
Too bad that you're
not as smart
as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad that you
had to get caught.
That's not like you
to lose face.
So sad that you're
not as smart
as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
This is gonna be great.
I can't believe I'm your coach.
You know, I've never played sports.
I know almost nothing about hockey.
And all my life,
people have been telling me
that I show absolutely
no signs of leadership.
Ha!
Well, that's great.
You'll be great.
Don't worry about it.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Will you be my coach?
Norm!
Norm!
Norm, you've got a message.
The Panther arrives at 1.
I don't know what it means.
It is the most exciting message
I've ever taken in my life.
I feel like part
of the French Underground.
This is great.
This is my old coach.
Oh, he's fantastic.
He's the best coach ever.
So, uh,
is he gonna be my assistant?
Yeah, yeah,
he's gonna be your assistant.
Yeah, he's gonna be
such a good assistant
that, uh,
you won't have to do anything.
So, uh, so,
why do they call him
the Panther?
Ah, the Panther.
It's because he's ferocious
and he's sleek
and muscular.
Oh, my lord,
he's muscular.
This guy makes
Lou Ferrigno look like,
uh, Bill Bixby.
Hey, Norm,
some guy on A Street
selling T-shirts
with your picture on them.
Oh, my God,
you didn't buy
one of those, did you?
I bought every one
you have.
Look, they're terrible.
They're humiliating.
But luckily,
I got there
first thing in the morning.
You'd only sold one.
Notice anything
different about me, Norm?
Uh, yeah, yeah,
your panty lines
aren't showing today.
Good for you, sir.
I'll have you know, Norm,
I'm not wearing panties.
Listen, did you see
a client today, uh,
named Peter Lyons?
Yeah, right, yeah,
I saw him this morning.
Germaphobic, yeah.
The guy's nuts.
He's afraid
of touching doorknobs.
Oh, that'll explain
why he's still
in the counseling room
where you left him.
Oh, oh, so that's
who's been yelling,
filthy doorknob,
filthy doorknob.
Jeez.
Yeah.
No, I bet that's him.
I'm pretty sure.
I'll go again.
Oh, God.
Excuse me.
Yeah, oh, I'm, yeah, sure.
I'm looking for Norm Henderson.
Can you tell him
the panther is here?
Oh, my God!
What the hell happened
to my, my manners?
I'm sorry.
Introduce myself.
I'm Lori,
and you're the panther.
You look just like a panther.
You know, if I'd seen you
roaming the halls out there,
I might have called
animal control.
Oh, Danny,
this is the panther.
Really?
Oh, Norm is so, uh,
anxious to see you,
and I'm really anxious
for Norm to see you.
Wait, let me stand
next to you here.
Norm, look.
Your coach is here.
Where?
Where?
Oh, come on, Norm.
It hasn't been that long, huh?
Yeah, it's great
to see you, panther.
Look, I saw that
wide-world-of-sports thing,
but don't you worry.
We're gonna get
your reputation back.
ASAP, buddy.
What do you say?
Hi, Sam, I'm with you.
You weren't stung
by a bee, were you?
Sixth floor, huh?
Yeah, sixth floor.
Imagine how tired you'd be
if we hadn't taken
the elevator, right?
Look, coach, I'm getting
a little worried
about our training here,
you know?
I mean, we were only
at the skating rink
for 15 minutes,
and 10 of that
was spent with you
arguing with that
hot dog vendor.
I measured.
They're not a foot long.
All right, well,
I'm still rearing to go.
Come on, let's do
some sit-ups, huh?
Sure, why not?
Yeah, coach,
you're gonna have
to put that out, huh?
That's okay.
I can hold your feet
and smoke.
Okay, how many
you want me to do there,
coach? 60, 80, 100?
I don't know.
I mean, how many
do you want to do?
Yeah, look, coach,
I need some motivation
here, huh?
Why don't you punish me?
Remember, you used to
punish me by making
me do push-ups.
Jeez, those are hard.
Jeez, coach, listen, man.
You gotta get into this,
you know?
Remember how you used
to instill fear in your
players with your taunts
and your threats, you know?
Oh, no, no, no.
Give me a minute to think.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
I remember when
this always used to work.
Henderson, you make me sick!
Excellent.
You call yourself a man?
I can run rings around you,
you flabby little girl.
Yeah.
Look at me!
And then look at yourself!
Got to take off my shirt
and humiliate your gun!
Coach, coach, are you okay?
Yeah, sure.
Help me get my shirt off.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Why don't we leave
your bare torso
for when I really need
a boost, you know?
On that case,
go brush your teeth.
What?
Why?
Because I'm going
to need CPR.
Oh, man,
are my triceps sore.
Oh, so the panther
is whipping you into shape.
I know.
I had to give him CPR on it.
Oh.
Your coach had a heart attack?
Oh, no.
We thought he did,
and then we took him
to the emergency room,
and he let out this big burp,
and he felt all better.
Well, is he at least
training you well?
No, he isn't training me at all.
That's the problem.
You know, he seems to have
lost all his drive or something.
All he wants to do is eat.
Well, Norm,
maybe he has a problem.
A lot of people overeat
because they're depressed.
Oh, man,
you wouldn't think
he was depressed
if you saw him
scarfing down
that rack of ribs last night,
I'll tell you that.
Boy, the sheer joy in his face,
you know?
It was like a kid
that got a pony for Christmas
and then ate it.
You don't know
what's going on
in your coach's head.
You know,
maybe he's mourning
a loss of some kind.
Maybe he misses his feet.
All right,
I know I can't smoke in here.
I'm just gonna finish this up, okay?
Come on, Lori,
look at the guy.
Can you talk to him
and find out what's wrong?
Yeah, but I don't want
to counsel him out here
in front of everybody.
You've got to get him
into the counseling office.
I can get him in there.
All right, Norman.
You ready to hit the pavement?
Do some serious road work?
Pizza?
So, Coach,
would you mind
if I just sat in here
and talked with you
for a while
while you enjoy your pizza?
Oh, sure, no problem.
Yeah, hurry up.
There's only six slices left.
Coach,
I hope it doesn't
make you uncomfortable
when I say
that your friend Norm here
is a little concerned
about you.
Norm,
are you concerned about me?
Well,
Lori was explaining to me
that sometimes,
you know,
if you eat a lot of food,
it means that
you're sad inside,
so I was wondering there,
you know,
why the wide face?
I think what Norm
is trying to say
in his clumsy
and horrifying way
is that
you were always there
for him
and he wants
to be there for you.
Good Lord, Lori,
what'd you do to him?
Well, Coach,
I know you're upset.
Can you talk about it?
It's just when I look at Norm
and I think about him
getting in trouble
with the IRS
and getting banned from hockey.
It makes me sick
to think about it.
Well, that's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
I turned him in.
What?
Norma,
I ratted you out
to the IRS.
You dirty son of a bastard.
I didn't have any choice.
I'd just gotten divorced
and she took everything
and the IRS came along
and offered a reward
to any pro player
that I'd turn over.
It was the right thing to do,
but I feel guilty as hell
about it.
What about Johnson?
Why couldn't you turn him in?
He was always behind
on his taxes.
Johnson?
I didn't know
about Johnson.
What the hell are you doing?
You destroyed my entire life.
Look, I'm sorry.
I want to make it up to you.
I'll buckle down.
I'll straighten out completely.
I still want to be your coach.
I still got the fire in my belly.
Yeah, I'm sure you got
the whole damn sun
in that thing.
Well, Carrie,
you're not coaching me.
Now, Norm.
Coach, no.
Norm has a very hot temper,
but he's also a reasonable person.
He knows that he needs you.
He'll be back.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't need you at all.
Let me tell you something.
I can train myself.
I don't need any washed-up coach.
And when I say washed-up,
I mean beached.
So, Coach, you know
that sometimes
when these kind of feelings...
You know, like a whale beached?
Right?
Thanks for training me, Danny.
You're way more focused
than that stupid coach ever was.
I knew these things
weren't a foot long.
Hey, hot dog guy.
Want another three inches?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
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You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
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You know, like a whale beached?
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You know, like a whale beached?
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You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
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You know, like a whale beached?
I know, like a whale beached?
Whoo!
Alright!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Whoo!
Nine and...
And...
Ten.
Alright.
Oh!
Oh!
Look at you.
Come on.
Show me a crab.
Nah, nah.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's see it.
Alright.
Uh...
Doesn't look as good as it feels, you know, but...
Yeah, well.
Oh.
Yeah, it's you.
Yeah, I thought it sounded like somebody was beating a ham against my door.
Come on, Norm.
You haven't returned my calls.
I still want to help you train.
Yeah, get out of here.
I don't need you.
Danny's training me and I'm doing just fine.
Fine?
You're doing great.
Come on.
Show him a crab.
Yeah.
How about this?
Yeah, now get out of here.
Go on.
Beat it.
Kind of destroyed my life, Danny.
You know?
I could have played another ten years and he knows it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
Sure.
You're right, Norm.
What?
I could have played for another ten years.
I shouldn't even come here.
No, no.
Look, you know, it's about time I started being honest with you.
When you got kicked out of hockey, you were just days away from being cut.
What?
The owner was tired of waiting for you to live up to your potential.
You were my coach.
You should have told me that.
I wanted to, but that's right when the IRS came in and offered me this $500.
$500?
Did they make a check out to you or directly to IHOP?
Right, Norm's big game.
It's really pretty exciting.
Hockey.
It's kind of a dangerous sport, isn't it?
Fast skating, sticks.
It's like any sport, sir.
Accidents can happen.
A good chance a Norm could be hurt, isn't there?
You know, I sustain some sort of crippling injury and never be seen at work
again.
It doesn't seem very likely, sir.
I mean, they're not even letting them play.
You know how we all said we were gonna drink every time Norm scores a goal?
Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
I have so much faith in Norm that I'm gonna have my shot now in anticipation of
the goal I know he's gonna score.
Well, I have more faith in him than you.
I think he's gonna score two or three.
There is no way he's gonna score a goal.
I am so sure of it that if he does, I will sleep with...
Fine.
It's not gonna happen.
So, yeah, I will sleep with you.
Well, you're counting on them not playing, right?
Well, let me tell you something.
They're holding them back as a secret weapon.
They're waiting for just the right moment to unleash the best player on the
team.
For the love of God, somebody drop dead so Norm can play.
What are you doing here?
I came to apologize.
I just can't seem to do right by you, huh?
Yeah, well, don't worry about it, Coach.
It takes a big man to apologize.
Is that another fat joke?
You betcha.
Yeah, I have that one common.
So what's going on?
It's the middle of the theater.
How come you're not in?
Because it's unfair.
That coach won't let me in no matter how much I beg him.
Anderson, are you sure you don't want to go in?
No, my tummy still hurts.
This is my fault, isn't it?
I broke your confidence, didn't I?
Kind of.
Look, Norm, I know I told you that you didn't have the will to win.
But that was the old Norm, the Norm that played pro hockey.
You're a different guy now.
And you have the discipline to get yourself into shape.
Yeah, yeah, really.
You think I can do this?
I don't know.
You don't know?
What the hell is that?
You don't know.
I don't know if you can do it, and neither do you.
But the only place you're gonna find the answer is out there.
What, the chip witch guy?
No, on the ice.
I didn't see the chip witch guy.
You get out there and you make me proud, huh?
And I want you to know that every minute you're out there, I'm gonna be--
Yo!
Chip witch!
Coach, I'm going in.
My tummy, it feels all better.
When's he gonna play?
There's only 45 seconds left.
I'll not only do you, I'll give you a bubble bath first.
Norm's going in.
Norm's on the ice.
If he scores, I'll kill myself.
And he can stop me.
Oh, my God!
Norm's got the puck!
Norm, Norm!
Dear God, it's me, Molly.
I know we haven't talked in a while.
He's gonna leave the goalie to me.
Henderson streaking in.
He shoots.
He scores!
Henderson scores the winning goal!
You're a winner!
That's how they're gonna remember you now!
I can do it!
I can do it!
I can do it!
I can do it!
They love me!
This is for you, my fans!
Not the old woman.
Not the old woman.
Not the...
Oh!
Look, I'll pay you $1,000.
Nope.
Look, there's nothing you can say or do to dissuade me from collecting my bet.
Have I ever told you that at the height of passion, I make this face?
Don't worry, baby.
With me, you'll never reach the height of passion.
Here, this will help us both.
Come on, baby.
Let's go.
All right.

Episode 10   Norm's Coach 1999 05 26

Yeah, so I'm gonna play in this big charity hockey game that's coming up in a
couple of weeks.
It's really cool, you know. It's all real pros. It's a big deal.
Wow. You used to play hockey.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know much about the game?
Hmm, not really.
Oh. Well, basically, you know, I was the greatest hockey player of all time.
Spanning the globe to bring you...
Hey, Norm. They're showing you on TV again.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
You're on TV?
Yeah, there I am. I'm that large black man. Well, let's go.
And the agony of defeat.
This is ABC's Wide World's...
My God.
You're the agony of defeat guy.
Yeah, you know, you keep laughing like that, you know, the odds become slimmer
that I'll take you home and have sex with you.
No, you shouldn't be sitting here hitting on women anyway.
You know, if you're ever going to make up for this agony of defeat thing, you
know, don't you think you should be getting in shape for the game?
Come on. I've only been off the ice for a couple of years, you know. I'm as
ready now as I'll ever be.
And one.
Oh, Jesus.
Wiener dog. Wiener dog.
Call 911.
Not 991, you stupid dog.
It's on lock. Come in, quick.
Ah, God. Sometimes I overdo it. I think I did, like, 50 reps.
You kill yourself, man.
No, I gotta keep going. I gotta get in shape. I gotta get in shape.
Here, hold my feet. Here, hold my feet. I'll do some sit-ups.
How many of these do you do?
Ah, I'm up to about 100 a day.
All right. One.
And two.
And all right. Good.
I thought you said you did 100.
Yeah, I do. I do 50 sets of two.
Norm,
you got one chance to do something great and redeem your entire career,
and you're gonna blow it.
Ah, yeah. That's what you think, huh?
Well, let me tell you something, Danny.
Every journey begins with a single step, you know?
And, uh, after all,
I am a professional athlete,
and I think that I know
a thing or two more
about training than you do.
So...
All right.
Now I'm gonna get a little milk here
for some added protein.
Holy Lord, God.
Your damn store only had gallons.
Makes you realize how strong, uh, cows are.
Ah, who am I kidding, you know?
I can't train myself.
I'm gonna get in that game.
I'm just gonna humiliate myself even worse.
Well, how'd you get into shape in your playing days?
Oh, I had this coach, the Panther.
This guy was the master of motivation, you know?
He'd line up the players, and he'd go,
You're losers! You were born losers,
and you'll die losers!
And that was after a win.
Well, you know, maybe you can call him up
and, uh, get him to coach you now.
Nah, I left him a couple of messages,
but, uh, you know, I think he's ashamed of me, you know?
I haven't talked to him since, uh,
you know, that whole thing where I...
where I got kicked out of hockey
for gambling and tax evasion, you know?
But all I need is somebody to train me, you know?
Well, why don't you be my trainer?
Why?
You were born a loser,
and you're gonna die a loser!
What are you talking about?
You're a bald little stump!
Yeah, I was just trying to inspire you.
Oh.
Well, I was...
I was trying to hurt your feelings.
Too bad that you're
not as smart
as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad that you
had to get caught.
That's not like you
to lose face.
So sad that you're
not as smart
as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
This is gonna be great.
I can't believe I'm your coach.
You know, I've never played sports.
I know almost nothing about hockey.
And all my life,
people have been telling me
that I show absolutely
no signs of leadership.
Ha!
Well, that's great.
You'll be great.
Don't worry about it.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Will you be my coach?
Norm!
Norm!
Norm, you've got a message.
The Panther arrives at 1.
I don't know what it means.
It is the most exciting message
I've ever taken in my life.
I feel like part
of the French Underground.
This is great.
This is my old coach.
Oh, he's fantastic.
He's the best coach ever.
So, uh,
is he gonna be my assistant?
Yeah, yeah,
he's gonna be your assistant.
Yeah, he's gonna be
such a good assistant
that, uh,
you won't have to do anything.
So, uh, so,
why do they call him
the Panther?
Ah, the Panther.
It's because he's ferocious
and he's sleek
and muscular.
Oh, my lord,
he's muscular.
This guy makes
Lou Ferrigno look like,
uh, Bill Bixby.
Hey, Norm,
some guy on A Street
selling T-shirts
with your picture on them.
Oh, my God,
you didn't buy
one of those, did you?
I bought every one
you have.
Look, they're terrible.
They're humiliating.
But luckily,
I got there
first thing in the morning.
You'd only sold one.
Notice anything
different about me, Norm?
Uh, yeah, yeah,
your panty lines
aren't showing today.
Good for you, sir.
I'll have you know, Norm,
I'm not wearing panties.
Listen, did you see
a client today, uh,
named Peter Lyons?
Yeah, right, yeah,
I saw him this morning.
Germaphobic, yeah.
The guy's nuts.
He's afraid
of touching doorknobs.
Oh, that'll explain
why he's still
in the counseling room
where you left him.
Oh, oh, so that's
who's been yelling,
filthy doorknob,
filthy doorknob.
Jeez.
Yeah.
No, I bet that's him.
I'm pretty sure.
I'll go again.
Oh, God.
Excuse me.
Yeah, oh, I'm, yeah, sure.
I'm looking for Norm Henderson.
Can you tell him
the panther is here?
Oh, my God!
What the hell happened
to my, my manners?
I'm sorry.
Introduce myself.
I'm Lori,
and you're the panther.
You look just like a panther.
You know, if I'd seen you
roaming the halls out there,
I might have called
animal control.
Oh, Danny,
this is the panther.
Really?
Oh, Norm is so, uh,
anxious to see you,
and I'm really anxious
for Norm to see you.
Wait, let me stand
next to you here.
Norm, look.
Your coach is here.
Where?
Where?
Oh, come on, Norm.
It hasn't been that long, huh?
Yeah, it's great
to see you, panther.
Look, I saw that
wide-world-of-sports thing,
but don't you worry.
We're gonna get
your reputation back.
ASAP, buddy.
What do you say?
Hi, Sam, I'm with you.
You weren't stung
by a bee, were you?
Sixth floor, huh?
Yeah, sixth floor.
Imagine how tired you'd be
if we hadn't taken
the elevator, right?
Look, coach, I'm getting
a little worried
about our training here,
you know?
I mean, we were only
at the skating rink
for 15 minutes,
and 10 of that
was spent with you
arguing with that
hot dog vendor.
I measured.
They're not a foot long.
All right, well,
I'm still rearing to go.
Come on, let's do
some sit-ups, huh?
Sure, why not?
Yeah, coach,
you're gonna have
to put that out, huh?
That's okay.
I can hold your feet
and smoke.
Okay, how many
you want me to do there,
coach? 60, 80, 100?
I don't know.
I mean, how many
do you want to do?
Yeah, look, coach,
I need some motivation
here, huh?
Why don't you punish me?
Remember, you used to
punish me by making
me do push-ups.
Jeez, those are hard.
Jeez, coach, listen, man.
You gotta get into this,
you know?
Remember how you used
to instill fear in your
players with your taunts
and your threats, you know?
Oh, no, no, no.
Give me a minute to think.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
I remember when
this always used to work.
Henderson, you make me sick!
Excellent.
You call yourself a man?
I can run rings around you,
you flabby little girl.
Yeah.
Look at me!
And then look at yourself!
Got to take off my shirt
and humiliate your gun!
Coach, coach, are you okay?
Yeah, sure.
Help me get my shirt off.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Why don't we leave
your bare torso
for when I really need
a boost, you know?
On that case,
go brush your teeth.
What?
Why?
Because I'm going
to need CPR.
Oh, man,
are my triceps sore.
Oh, so the panther
is whipping you into shape.
I know.
I had to give him CPR on it.
Oh.
Your coach had a heart attack?
Oh, no.
We thought he did,
and then we took him
to the emergency room,
and he let out this big burp,
and he felt all better.
Well, is he at least
training you well?
No, he isn't training me at all.
That's the problem.
You know, he seems to have
lost all his drive or something.
All he wants to do is eat.
Well, Norm,
maybe he has a problem.
A lot of people overeat
because they're depressed.
Oh, man,
you wouldn't think
he was depressed
if you saw him
scarfing down
that rack of ribs last night,
I'll tell you that.
Boy, the sheer joy in his face,
you know?
It was like a kid
that got a pony for Christmas
and then ate it.
You don't know
what's going on
in your coach's head.
You know,
maybe he's mourning
a loss of some kind.
Maybe he misses his feet.
All right,
I know I can't smoke in here.
I'm just gonna finish this up, okay?
Come on, Lori,
look at the guy.
Can you talk to him
and find out what's wrong?
Yeah, but I don't want
to counsel him out here
in front of everybody.
You've got to get him
into the counseling office.
I can get him in there.
All right, Norman.
You ready to hit the pavement?
Do some serious road work?
Pizza?
So, Coach,
would you mind
if I just sat in here
and talked with you
for a while
while you enjoy your pizza?
Oh, sure, no problem.
Yeah, hurry up.
There's only six slices left.
Coach,
I hope it doesn't
make you uncomfortable
when I say
that your friend Norm here
is a little concerned
about you.
Norm,
are you concerned about me?
Well,
Lori was explaining to me
that sometimes,
you know,
if you eat a lot of food,
it means that
you're sad inside,
so I was wondering there,
you know,
why the wide face?
I think what Norm
is trying to say
in his clumsy
and horrifying way
is that
you were always there
for him
and he wants
to be there for you.
Good Lord, Lori,
what'd you do to him?
Well, Coach,
I know you're upset.
Can you talk about it?
It's just when I look at Norm
and I think about him
getting in trouble
with the IRS
and getting banned from hockey.
It makes me sick
to think about it.
Well, that's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
I turned him in.
What?
Norma,
I ratted you out
to the IRS.
You dirty son of a bastard.
I didn't have any choice.
I'd just gotten divorced
and she took everything
and the IRS came along
and offered a reward
to any pro player
that I'd turn over.
It was the right thing to do,
but I feel guilty as hell
about it.
What about Johnson?
Why couldn't you turn him in?
He was always behind
on his taxes.
Johnson?
I didn't know
about Johnson.
What the hell are you doing?
You destroyed my entire life.
Look, I'm sorry.
I want to make it up to you.
I'll buckle down.
I'll straighten out completely.
I still want to be your coach.
I still got the fire in my belly.
Yeah, I'm sure you got
the whole damn sun
in that thing.
Well, Carrie,
you're not coaching me.
Now, Norm.
Coach, no.
Norm has a very hot temper,
but he's also a reasonable person.
He knows that he needs you.
He'll be back.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't need you at all.
Let me tell you something.
I can train myself.
I don't need any washed-up coach.
And when I say washed-up,
I mean beached.
So, Coach, you know
that sometimes
when these kind of feelings...
You know, like a whale beached?
Right?
Thanks for training me, Danny.
You're way more focused
than that stupid coach ever was.
I knew these things
weren't a foot long.
Hey, hot dog guy.
Want another three inches?
You know, like a whale beached?
You know, like a whale beached?
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