Name: Episode 11 Norm vs Love 1999 09 22
Uploaded: 2022-05-18T05:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 11 Norm vs Love 1999 09 22' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-18. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 11 Norm vs Love 1999 09 22' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-18. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Hi, I thought tonight would be a good time to show you exactly how these
ratings work.
For example, I can get this to change if I say "hell."
It doesn't even change for "hell."
What a world, huh folks?
I guess I have to say something rougher like "@#$%!"
Then it becomes a TVPG.
There are also ratings for violence.
And, suggestive dialogue.
You know what I'm saying, folks?
Suggestive...
Oh, hey, VD.
And that brings us to "S" for sexual situations.
Thank you. Enjoy the show.
Look, Vic, I don't care what you say.
The law says ticket scalping's a crime.
If you get caught, you're going back to jail.
So I'm only gonna ask you this once.
How much for a pair of tickets at this Sunday's Giants game?
300 apiece, my friend.
300 each?
Come on, man. Can't you give me a break?
I'm your caseworker here.
Listen, I charge my parole officer 400 apiece.
He's sitting behind a seasoned ticket holder who's 6'10",
wears a huge Afro wig.
All right, it's a deal.
Nor, sorry.
Do you have the new case files for the month of...
This isn't an illegal ticket scalping transaction, is it?
No, ma'am.
What?
Because if it is, I'll bust the both of you.
No, no.
Vic is giving me these tickets at face value.
60 bucks for the pair, right, Vic?
Yeah, 60 dollars a pair.
You got some beads, I'll throw in Manhattan.
Okay, well, thanks for coming by, Vic.
It's been an excellent session.
I'll see you right before playoffs.
Yeah.
Go to hell, Nor.
What a sucker.
So where was it?
50-yard line.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Norm, I really appreciate you getting me this job.
I just hope I don't screw it up.
Oh, no, no.
Don't worry, Taylor.
You'll be great.
You know, it'll just be like working down at the massage parlor.
Except for that part where you have the, uh, dirty sex with complete strangers.
You know, Norm, in the spirit of starting anew, could you not call me a whore
so much?
Hey, good morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Norm, uh, could I, uh, could I talk to you over here for a minute?
Why is there a hooker at the receptionist's desk?
Yeah, that's because all the junkies are using their flex time seriously.
Lord, we cannot give a job to every questionable character who comes in here.
Uh, it's bad enough we've got you here.
Please give me a chance, sir.
I am completely qualified for this.
Degrading myself as a prostitute has lowered my self-esteem to the point where
I'm happy to take this minimum wage job.
Oh, all right, all right.
You've got a two-week probationary period.
Now, what I want you to do is I want you to come in here and open up, uh, in,
in the morning.
And then, of course, uh, walk up at night.
Now, these are a big responsibility, young lady.
I won't let you down, sir.
Men have trusted me with far more valuable things than this.
Hey, Norm.
What is with that probation officer you like?
I don't like her.
Yeah, you do.
No, I do not.
You know what?
Why'd you go, uh, talk to her?
Because I don't like her.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, top of the morning to ya.
Top of the morning to ya? Who the hell says that?
I don't know, but top of the morning to ya, too!
Norm, what is wrong with you? Why can't you talk to that woman?
Because look at her, you know? She, she, she's cool and tough, you know?
But at the same time, she's feminine and beautiful.
Yeah, she's like Cagney and Lacey put together.
And then you divide the weight by four.
Danny?
Yeah?
Did you pull the files on all your clients with acting backgrounds?
Oh, yeah, okay.
Uh, these are the clients who can act.
And, uh, here are some clients who just have really interesting faces.
What do you need this stuff for?
Shelly has a therapy acting class for ex-convicts.
This year, she's putting on "You're a Good Man," Charlie Brown.
Oh, okay, uh, what about this guy?
Yeah, he'd make a cute lioness.
But do you think makeup could cover that Satan rules on his forehead?
Yeah, maybe this guy'd be better.
No, I don't think we want him.
He can sing, but he can't not kill.
Hi there. Norm here was wondering what you guys were doing.
I'm doing "You're a Good Man," Charlie Brown, with criminals.
Super!
Okay. Five card draw.
Deuces and fours are wild if you say you're gay.
Stupid Lori.
Why? Why?
You didn't think it was stupid when Norm called Jax wild
unless you're wearing a bra.
You didn't have to take your bra off.
I had Jax.
Oh, no. Damn it.
Okay, I'm gay.
Yes, I am gay, too.
Well, let's bid, ladies.
So, uh, Lori, how often you see that, uh, Officer Shelly girl?
Don't ask me for help with her, Norm.
Why? I really like her.
Norm, you're a great guy, but as a boyfriend, you have the attention span of a
fruit fly.
Aw, come on, man. I'm really serious about her. I could be in love with her for
all I know.
You don't even know her last name.
I know her last name. Her last name is, like, it's Joe, right?
I can't. Joke. It's Min-far. Min-far. It's Min-far. Her last name is Min-far.
I know. Yes, it sounds like Min-far, though.
Kill-Martin. Shelly Kil-Martin.
Exactly. Shelly Kil-Martin. Yeah, that's it.
All right, maybe I don't know her last name, all right?
But that's because you'll never let me get close to her.
Well, why should I?
Shelly's just gotten off a string of relationships with guys like you.
They never work out. She needs to date adults now.
Yeah, well, I am an adult.
She needs someone reliable, Norm.
I'm reliable.
Remember when I asked you to pick up my dry cleaning?
Yeah?
Oh, damn it. I'll pick it up tomorrow. I see.
Norm, I have to talk to you about a very delicate matter.
Oh, sir, this isn't about your period again, is it, sir?
Because as I've explained, sir, it's not a curse.
Why, that's the full flowering of your womanhood. You know that.
It's about Taylor. I want you to watch her.
I think she may be turning tricks again.
Oh, oh, saying no more, sir.
What do you need, two, three hundred bucks?
She's norm. She's a mess. No, no. She's a mess.
She looks like she's been up all night. I think she may have fallen off the
hooker wagon.
Mr. Denby, Mr. Denby, come on now. They haven't called it a hooker wagon in
years. Pimp Mobile is what they call it.
Oh, hey, Danny, I'm glad you're here. Listen, I want to get your client, Billy,
off you today.
Uh, this wouldn't have anything to do with you wanting to be in a room with, uh,
Billy's probation officer, Shelly Kilmartin, or, uh, Minfar, as you know her.
Look, this is the only shot I have with her, all right? You know, if I can get
her in that room and sure I'm good with kids, she'll realize that I'm reliable
and mature, you know?
Come on, man. Look, I'll trade you one of my clients. Here, here, I got a nice
nymphomaniac.
Norm, this is a pyromaniac.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, I'm afraid I may have insulted that lady.
Hey, Norm. Nice suit. Did you get more Misfit today?
Oh, hey, I don't get it. But, uh, listen, uh, Danny doesn't think he's mature
enough to, uh, to handle this case, so I thought I'd step in, you know?
It looks like, uh, we've got a troubled young man here.
Yeah, Billy Kramer. He's on probation for vandalism.
Yeah, well, a lot of times kids do that kind of stuff because, uh, they don't
have a strong adult male role model, you know?
Who's very mature?
You know, Norm, you look handsome on a tie.
Really?
Let me just fix that for you.
Oh.
I didn't know they made these in grown-up sizes.
Morning, Billy.
Oh, man, what did I do? Why'd I get the sucky hockey player?
Billy, cut the bull. This is the third time you've been here this month.
I know, Miss Kim Martin. I'm sorry, but it's just, uh, you know, it's been hard
ever since my dad left us.
Billy, I know you've been through some tough times, but that doesn't mean it's
okay to throw billiard balls at the Today Show window.
Yeah, Billy, you know, it seems to me that what you need in your life is a, uh,
strong adult male role model.
Would you like that, Billy? A strong adult man?
Are you coming on to me?
I guess I, I guess I stepped into that one.
You see, that's what I'm saying. What this boy needs is a, is a man, you know,
to teach him discipline and self-respect, you know?
Discipline and self-respect is actually how I won this, uh, this tallest rookie
trophy, you know?
Yeah, why don't you take that cheesy thing back to the bowling alley and cruise
for another girlfriend?
Hey, let me ask you a question there, Billy. Uh, have you ever even had sex?
All right, hang on.
Not with boys like you have.
All right, that's enough.
Yeah, you see, this is the kind of attitude that keeps getting you into trouble,
you know? Fatty?
Oh, yeah? Well, uh, I can always lose weight, but you'll never not suck at
hockey.
You know, I may suck at hockey, but, uh, at least my father stayed with the
family, you know what I mean?
Give me that! Give me that, you dirty!
What?
Ah! Damn it!
All right, Billy, go get Mr. Sanchez and tell him to bring the first aid kit.
Fink.
Virgin!
Okay.
Interesting approach.
Taunting a young virgin.
Hmm.
Maybe tomorrow we can tickle someone with a weak bladder.
Look, Shelly, I know I blew it, you know, but I have an explanation, and, uh, I'd
like to give it to you on Friday there while we have dinner.
Friday, huh.
Let me check my book.
Oh, don't have it.
But luckily, any book will do just as good, huh?
Let's see.
Friday, hmm.
No!
Oh, hey!
Hey, looks like you're free on Saturday here.
Oh, Norm doesn't want to believe this, but I think that Taylor has succumbed to
the siren call of hookerdom.
No.
Well, it's gone beyond the clothes and the slatternly looks.
I actually think she's bringing customers up to the office.
She has the keys.
The couch in the counseling room looks, well, it looks used.
Oh, well, it's looked that way since we got the creepy janitor.
So you don't want to talk to her?
Uh, you know, uh, no.
All right, I'll do it myself, as if I'm not busy enough.
Taylor?
Yeah, yes, sir?
This office is not a bordello, and that couch in the counseling room is not an
altar to your god Bacchus.
So I want you to take your clients and your traveling house of ill repute
somewhere else.
Hold on a second. You think I'm turning tricks in the office?
Yeah, I do.
Just look at you. You're a mess. You're, you're, obviously, you're working so
hard, you haven't even had time to get home.
That's right.
I haven't been home because I have been in this office for the last 72 hours
because I lost the keys, okay?
And I didn't tell you because I didn't want to look stupid, so I stayed here to
guard the place because, believe it or not, this job actually means something
to me.
Oh.
If I wanted to have sex with people, I've got better places than this!
You're a bunch of stuff!
What kind of a mind do you have?
Did you imagine me in there having sex in the counseling room?
No, I...
You're not gonna worry. Make me cry.
I'm sorry. I got a little emotional. Just then, do you think I should go
apologize to him?
That was so cool. Next time, see if you can make him cry.
Hey, Norm, be careful, uh, sitting in your chair. There's a wheel missing.
Hey, Norm. Your chair seems to be broken.
Really? I thought it was just the world.
Look, if I help you with Shelly, you have to promise me you'll be on your best
behavior.
Well, I'll be good. I swear, I'll be good.
Well, I guess I could help you guys, you know, get together in a more relaxed
environment.
I could throw a party.
Hey, you know what kind of party you should have? A make-out party.
Okay, Patsy.
She's still not here.
She's coming.
Yeah, well, you keep saying that, but she keeps still not being here.
It's like Christmas. If you go in the other room and fall asleep, she'll come
sooner.
Would somebody please speak to Danny?
There's a woman over there he wants to talk to, but he's afraid she's too good-looking
to approach.
How do you know that she's not standing there thinking the same thing about you?
You're drunk, aren't you?
A little bit, yeah.
Hey, Lori.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, my God, she brought a guy.
Didn't you tell her not to bring a guy? Even I knew not to bring a guy.
Sorry.
I didn't know she was seeing anybody right now. Wow, he's old.
Norm, Lori, I'd like you to meet Avery. He's the dean of the English department
at NYU.
Oh, well, that's a very impressive position.
I guess that's one of the rewards of outliving all your contemporaries.
Hey, uh, listen, Avery, uh, so tell me, how long have you, uh, how long have
you studied English?
I mastered it myself when I was five.
Yeah, language has always been my forte, you know?
Well, actually, uh, the correct pronunciation is fort.
Oh, yeah?
Uh, so I guess you're saying it would be incorrect, then, for me to refer to
you as an old forte, right?
Yeah?
I beg your pardon?
Oh, nothing. I just love words, you know? They're my playthings.
You familiar with that word, playthings? From the English play and, uh, the
English things.
It's what I like to call a-- a compound word, you know, like, uh, you know,
like fat head or asshole.
Norm!
Avery, would you go open that bottle of wine in the kitchen for everyone?
I'll get you a corkscrew. I bet you're really fun all liquored up.
Okay, look, Norm. I know you're upset because I turned you down.
But I hope you're not planning on spending the entire evening taking it out on
my date.
Look, it's so obvious what you're doing, you know?
Obviously, you had some problems with young guys, so, you know, you went down
to the VFW and, uh,
and, uh, and you said, "Hey, you got anybody from World War I here? I'd like to..."
Look, this is totally unfair, Norm.
I mean, Avery's, uh, a young thinking guy.
I mean, he's smart, he's solid, and he has a really big heart.
Yeah, well, you know what they say, you only get one really big organ, so...
Look, he's not even a fun old guy. You know, some of those old guys are jolly.
This guy's like a stiff, you know?
Hey, he corrects everybody all the time. You know, he's correcting. He's no fun.
He'd be the kind of guy who'd go up on the roof of a Toys R Us and, like, turn
around the R and...
He is not.
He is, I swear to God. I'll prove it to you. Come on.
Oh, hey, listen, Avery, uh, I think we, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
Uh, yes. Norm sometimes judges people.
I mean, he hears academic, and he thinks uptight know-it-all.
Well, Norm, I appreciate this olive branch and offer one of my own.
Oh. Well, uh, Shelly and me really appreciate that.
Shelly and me. Yes, of course, Shelly and me.
Yeah, me especially appreciates that.
Heh. Very clever, Norm. Very clever. Yeah.
You sure do and be a smart guy.
Yeah.
All right. I know what you're doing, Norm. It's not gonna work.
Now that that's all settled, I'm going to make us a plate.
Me thinks you went over you head.
Oh, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Norm. There's no way you're gonna get me to
lose control.
You're just not smart enough for that.
I'm not smart enough? Hey, how many years did you spend in high school, pal?
Lori, it's a lovely party, and, uh, Shelly tells me that you're originally from
Vermont.
Uh-huh.
Well, you know, uh, we're thinking of taking a little trip up north ourselves.
We may go as far as Montreal.
What are you doing?
What?
Are you blowing on me?
Yeah. Yeah, right. I'm blowing on you.
Oh, very mature blowing on me.
I think it's a draft or something. I feel it, too.
Put me that bench over there.
He did it again. You didn't see that?
Norm!
Danny!
Lori!
Norm!
Oh!
Lori!
Shelly!
They're blowing on me!
What?
They're all blowing on me!
Why would everyone be blowing on you?
Because I speak properly! That's why!
Take it easy, Hol-timer, there. He still thinks he's in the Great War.
Don't you patronize me!
Oh, take it easy! The fighting is over! They've captured the Kaiser!
You shouldn't be embarrassed, Norm. I mean, who knew a 60-year-old man could
get his leg up that high?
Yeah. I was with that guy anyway, right? He was childish. He was like a child
almost, you know? He was like a child inside of an old, wrinkly man's body.
But, hey, if that's what you want, running around on you, you know?
You blew on him, didn't you?
What? Yeah, I blew on him, but the guy was childish.
Okay, fine. You proved your point. All men are children.
That's not my point. My point is that he's all wrong for you, you know?
We gotta find somebody for you that's right for you, you know? Somebody who's
playful, you know?
Who can we think of that's playful, you know, that likes to play? Right? You're
laughing. That's good, right? I look cute when you're laughing.
Okay. Even if I did want to go out with you, I couldn't. I got my new
assignments this morning, and I, well, I found out I'm gonna be your new
probation officer.
What? You're kidding!
So, obviously, this relationship cannot involve intimacy.
Oh, that's alright. I don't like intimacy. We can just have dirty, dirty sex.
Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly what I meant, Norm. So, uh, why don't you just hop
up on the table, drop your pants, and I'll be right back.
Holy lord, this is a cold table.
Three jacks, two tens, full house. Read 'em and weep.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, you only have two jacks.
No, the threes are wild.
Danny.
All right.
All right.

Episode 11   Norm vs Love 1999 09 22

Hi, I thought tonight would be a good time to show you exactly how these
ratings work.
For example, I can get this to change if I say "hell."
It doesn't even change for "hell."
What a world, huh folks?
I guess I have to say something rougher like "@#$%!"
Then it becomes a TVPG.
There are also ratings for violence.
And, suggestive dialogue.
You know what I'm saying, folks?
Suggestive...
Oh, hey, VD.
And that brings us to "S" for sexual situations.
Thank you. Enjoy the show.
Look, Vic, I don't care what you say.
The law says ticket scalping's a crime.
If you get caught, you're going back to jail.
So I'm only gonna ask you this once.
How much for a pair of tickets at this Sunday's Giants game?
300 apiece, my friend.
300 each?
Come on, man. Can't you give me a break?
I'm your caseworker here.
Listen, I charge my parole officer 400 apiece.
He's sitting behind a seasoned ticket holder who's 6'10",
wears a huge Afro wig.
All right, it's a deal.
Nor, sorry.
Do you have the new case files for the month of...
This isn't an illegal ticket scalping transaction, is it?
No, ma'am.
What?
Because if it is, I'll bust the both of you.
No, no.
Vic is giving me these tickets at face value.
60 bucks for the pair, right, Vic?
Yeah, 60 dollars a pair.
You got some beads, I'll throw in Manhattan.
Okay, well, thanks for coming by, Vic.
It's been an excellent session.
I'll see you right before playoffs.
Yeah.
Go to hell, Nor.
What a sucker.
So where was it?
50-yard line.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Norm, I really appreciate you getting me this job.
I just hope I don't screw it up.
Oh, no, no.
Don't worry, Taylor.
You'll be great.
You know, it'll just be like working down at the massage parlor.
Except for that part where you have the, uh, dirty sex with complete strangers.
You know, Norm, in the spirit of starting anew, could you not call me a whore
so much?
Hey, good morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Norm, uh, could I, uh, could I talk to you over here for a minute?
Why is there a hooker at the receptionist's desk?
Yeah, that's because all the junkies are using their flex time seriously.
Lord, we cannot give a job to every questionable character who comes in here.
Uh, it's bad enough we've got you here.
Please give me a chance, sir.
I am completely qualified for this.
Degrading myself as a prostitute has lowered my self-esteem to the point where
I'm happy to take this minimum wage job.
Oh, all right, all right.
You've got a two-week probationary period.
Now, what I want you to do is I want you to come in here and open up, uh, in,
in the morning.
And then, of course, uh, walk up at night.
Now, these are a big responsibility, young lady.
I won't let you down, sir.
Men have trusted me with far more valuable things than this.
Hey, Norm.
What is with that probation officer you like?
I don't like her.
Yeah, you do.
No, I do not.
You know what?
Why'd you go, uh, talk to her?
Because I don't like her.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, top of the morning to ya.
Top of the morning to ya? Who the hell says that?
I don't know, but top of the morning to ya, too!
Norm, what is wrong with you? Why can't you talk to that woman?
Because look at her, you know? She, she, she's cool and tough, you know?
But at the same time, she's feminine and beautiful.
Yeah, she's like Cagney and Lacey put together.
And then you divide the weight by four.
Danny?
Yeah?
Did you pull the files on all your clients with acting backgrounds?
Oh, yeah, okay.
Uh, these are the clients who can act.
And, uh, here are some clients who just have really interesting faces.
What do you need this stuff for?
Shelly has a therapy acting class for ex-convicts.
This year, she's putting on "You're a Good Man," Charlie Brown.
Oh, okay, uh, what about this guy?
Yeah, he'd make a cute lioness.
But do you think makeup could cover that Satan rules on his forehead?
Yeah, maybe this guy'd be better.
No, I don't think we want him.
He can sing, but he can't not kill.
Hi there. Norm here was wondering what you guys were doing.
I'm doing "You're a Good Man," Charlie Brown, with criminals.
Super!
Okay. Five card draw.
Deuces and fours are wild if you say you're gay.
Stupid Lori.
Why? Why?
You didn't think it was stupid when Norm called Jax wild
unless you're wearing a bra.
You didn't have to take your bra off.
I had Jax.
Oh, no. Damn it.
Okay, I'm gay.
Yes, I am gay, too.
Well, let's bid, ladies.
So, uh, Lori, how often you see that, uh, Officer Shelly girl?
Don't ask me for help with her, Norm.
Why? I really like her.
Norm, you're a great guy, but as a boyfriend, you have the attention span of a
fruit fly.
Aw, come on, man. I'm really serious about her. I could be in love with her for
all I know.
You don't even know her last name.
I know her last name. Her last name is, like, it's Joe, right?
I can't. Joke. It's Min-far. Min-far. It's Min-far. Her last name is Min-far.
I know. Yes, it sounds like Min-far, though.
Kill-Martin. Shelly Kil-Martin.
Exactly. Shelly Kil-Martin. Yeah, that's it.
All right, maybe I don't know her last name, all right?
But that's because you'll never let me get close to her.
Well, why should I?
Shelly's just gotten off a string of relationships with guys like you.
They never work out. She needs to date adults now.
Yeah, well, I am an adult.
She needs someone reliable, Norm.
I'm reliable.
Remember when I asked you to pick up my dry cleaning?
Yeah?
Oh, damn it. I'll pick it up tomorrow. I see.
Norm, I have to talk to you about a very delicate matter.
Oh, sir, this isn't about your period again, is it, sir?
Because as I've explained, sir, it's not a curse.
Why, that's the full flowering of your womanhood. You know that.
It's about Taylor. I want you to watch her.
I think she may be turning tricks again.
Oh, oh, saying no more, sir.
What do you need, two, three hundred bucks?
She's norm. She's a mess. No, no. She's a mess.
She looks like she's been up all night. I think she may have fallen off the
hooker wagon.
Mr. Denby, Mr. Denby, come on now. They haven't called it a hooker wagon in
years. Pimp Mobile is what they call it.
Oh, hey, Danny, I'm glad you're here. Listen, I want to get your client, Billy,
off you today.
Uh, this wouldn't have anything to do with you wanting to be in a room with, uh,
Billy's probation officer, Shelly Kilmartin, or, uh, Minfar, as you know her.
Look, this is the only shot I have with her, all right? You know, if I can get
her in that room and sure I'm good with kids, she'll realize that I'm reliable
and mature, you know?
Come on, man. Look, I'll trade you one of my clients. Here, here, I got a nice
nymphomaniac.
Norm, this is a pyromaniac.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, I'm afraid I may have insulted that lady.
Hey, Norm. Nice suit. Did you get more Misfit today?
Oh, hey, I don't get it. But, uh, listen, uh, Danny doesn't think he's mature
enough to, uh, to handle this case, so I thought I'd step in, you know?
It looks like, uh, we've got a troubled young man here.
Yeah, Billy Kramer. He's on probation for vandalism.
Yeah, well, a lot of times kids do that kind of stuff because, uh, they don't
have a strong adult male role model, you know?
Who's very mature?
You know, Norm, you look handsome on a tie.
Really?
Let me just fix that for you.
Oh.
I didn't know they made these in grown-up sizes.
Morning, Billy.
Oh, man, what did I do? Why'd I get the sucky hockey player?
Billy, cut the bull. This is the third time you've been here this month.
I know, Miss Kim Martin. I'm sorry, but it's just, uh, you know, it's been hard
ever since my dad left us.
Billy, I know you've been through some tough times, but that doesn't mean it's
okay to throw billiard balls at the Today Show window.
Yeah, Billy, you know, it seems to me that what you need in your life is a, uh,
strong adult male role model.
Would you like that, Billy? A strong adult man?
Are you coming on to me?
I guess I, I guess I stepped into that one.
You see, that's what I'm saying. What this boy needs is a, is a man, you know,
to teach him discipline and self-respect, you know?
Discipline and self-respect is actually how I won this, uh, this tallest rookie
trophy, you know?
Yeah, why don't you take that cheesy thing back to the bowling alley and cruise
for another girlfriend?
Hey, let me ask you a question there, Billy. Uh, have you ever even had sex?
All right, hang on.
Not with boys like you have.
All right, that's enough.
Yeah, you see, this is the kind of attitude that keeps getting you into trouble,
you know? Fatty?
Oh, yeah? Well, uh, I can always lose weight, but you'll never not suck at
hockey.
You know, I may suck at hockey, but, uh, at least my father stayed with the
family, you know what I mean?
Give me that! Give me that, you dirty!
What?
Ah! Damn it!
All right, Billy, go get Mr. Sanchez and tell him to bring the first aid kit.
Fink.
Virgin!
Okay.
Interesting approach.
Taunting a young virgin.
Hmm.
Maybe tomorrow we can tickle someone with a weak bladder.
Look, Shelly, I know I blew it, you know, but I have an explanation, and, uh, I'd
like to give it to you on Friday there while we have dinner.
Friday, huh.
Let me check my book.
Oh, don't have it.
But luckily, any book will do just as good, huh?
Let's see.
Friday, hmm.
No!
Oh, hey!
Hey, looks like you're free on Saturday here.
Oh, Norm doesn't want to believe this, but I think that Taylor has succumbed to
the siren call of hookerdom.
No.
Well, it's gone beyond the clothes and the slatternly looks.
I actually think she's bringing customers up to the office.
She has the keys.
The couch in the counseling room looks, well, it looks used.
Oh, well, it's looked that way since we got the creepy janitor.
So you don't want to talk to her?
Uh, you know, uh, no.
All right, I'll do it myself, as if I'm not busy enough.
Taylor?
Yeah, yes, sir?
This office is not a bordello, and that couch in the counseling room is not an
altar to your god Bacchus.
So I want you to take your clients and your traveling house of ill repute
somewhere else.
Hold on a second. You think I'm turning tricks in the office?
Yeah, I do.
Just look at you. You're a mess. You're, you're, obviously, you're working so
hard, you haven't even had time to get home.
That's right.
I haven't been home because I have been in this office for the last 72 hours
because I lost the keys, okay?
And I didn't tell you because I didn't want to look stupid, so I stayed here to
guard the place because, believe it or not, this job actually means something
to me.
Oh.
If I wanted to have sex with people, I've got better places than this!
You're a bunch of stuff!
What kind of a mind do you have?
Did you imagine me in there having sex in the counseling room?
No, I...
You're not gonna worry. Make me cry.
I'm sorry. I got a little emotional. Just then, do you think I should go
apologize to him?
That was so cool. Next time, see if you can make him cry.
Hey, Norm, be careful, uh, sitting in your chair. There's a wheel missing.
Hey, Norm. Your chair seems to be broken.
Really? I thought it was just the world.
Look, if I help you with Shelly, you have to promise me you'll be on your best
behavior.
Well, I'll be good. I swear, I'll be good.
Well, I guess I could help you guys, you know, get together in a more relaxed
environment.
I could throw a party.
Hey, you know what kind of party you should have? A make-out party.
Okay, Patsy.
She's still not here.
She's coming.
Yeah, well, you keep saying that, but she keeps still not being here.
It's like Christmas. If you go in the other room and fall asleep, she'll come
sooner.
Would somebody please speak to Danny?
There's a woman over there he wants to talk to, but he's afraid she's too good-looking
to approach.
How do you know that she's not standing there thinking the same thing about you?
You're drunk, aren't yo