Name: Episode 12 Norm Pimps Wiener Dog 1999 09 29
Uploaded: 2022-05-19T05:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 12 Norm Pimps Wiener Dog 1999 09 29' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-19. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 12 Norm Pimps Wiener Dog 1999 09 29' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-19. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

As I'm sure you know these ratings have to be put on every show this week I've
asked my mom who's more in touch with America than any censor what she thinks
of the show now mom you've seen the show right oh yes I have now if I was seven
years old would you let me watch this show good lord no it has sex and bad
language you have a dirty show yeah would you let me watch Mary Poppins no
it's dirty dirty dirty dirty so if you like dirty and this is the show for
you thank you and enjoy the show thanks oh my god Newsweek is gonna publish my
article on the homeless in there my term section I can't believe it oh what
nothing
it's my mistake it's a phone bill no it's not well what's going on they they
just want to publish a
picture with the article and I take a horrible picture oh come on women I'll
say that it's like
I'm fat or I'm ugly or stop following me or I'm serious really stop following
me
I bet I can get a good shot of you I take all the photos at my family outings
you know how hard it
is to like bald women all right but if this makes me feel worse there are gonna
be so many nasty things
written about you on the walls of the ladies room you write nasty things about
me no stop erasing
I don't know what I'm gonna say I got a message that you need to see me right
away oh yeah yeah I did
there Shelly listen I got you a little something here you can't keep giving me
gifts Norm I'm your
probation officer I'm not supposed to take anything from you that's not enough
specimen bottle I know
you know what I'm gonna get you for your birthday I'm not gonna say more than
that because I don't
want to you know give it away excuse me are you Norm Henderson the hockey
player oh yeah that's right son
this is Jimmy I've been his big sister since he was five years old oh hey Jimmy
what's up
hey I see you collect that baseball cards huh what's your favorite team the Braves
I've got
all of them except for Hank Aaron except for Hank Aaron he was the greatest one
ever that's
like saying you got all the village people except for the Indians you know I
bet I
get you the Hank Aaron card uh excuse me Jimmy Norm I don't want you buying a
Hank Aaron card for
Jimmy just to impress me hey I used to collect baseball cards I might have a
Hank Aaron card
lying around you know everything isn't about you there lady okay you know I got
my mother mother's
day card I suppose that was for you too right all right I get it Norm yeah hey
I I trimmed my nose hair
today right I suppose that was for you actually that was for you what do you
think
I'd like to think you did it for everyone also now that we're alone I don't
want a bottle of urine
for my birthday come on Jimmy I didn't know you held on to your baseball cards
I didn't I traded
them all in fourth grade to Susie Herman so I could make out with her kind of
ironic now you need them to
make out with Shelly yeah let's just hope Shelly doesn't turn out to be a huge
lesbian like that damn
Susie Herman
Hey Taylor yes you think you could help me with Fifi today I brought her into
Manhattan because
I I'm breeding her tonight which hotels allow that you know we bred my lab when
I was a kid
what do you pay for breeding a dog these days what you pay $200 that's the stud
fee $200 but it's
worth it for this guy he's one of the most sought after studs in New York
present company excluded
I'm joking of course hey man look how weird she looks with this grooming I know
they even shaved
her little butt it's gotta be uncomfortable not so much when they're shaving it
but when it's growing
I would guess hey Norm wiener dog comes from a champion bloodline why don't you
try and breed him
oh hey maybe that's a good idea I could get enough money to get Jimmy a really
great Hank Aaron card
you know and wiener dog knows what to do he's watched me many many times
I wonder if you could get $200 every time wiener dog had sex 200 wow that's
more than us humans have
to pay or so I heard from my friend who shaves his ass
too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place too
bad that you had to
get caught that's not like you to lose face so sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place okay wiener dog now I know this is
your first time
but uh but just remember if you respect her she'll respect you
now afterwards uh you're going to have some strong feelings but uh you you try
to stay awake anyways okay
oh hi come on in hello you must be norm i'm margaret barrow and this is
champion che marie
and that must be the son of champion grand mariner wiener
well it's certainly delightful to meet you come on now wiener dog you get the
short one huh
now uh if you'll just follow me i've arranged a love nest for the little critters
in here
there we go now i uh i think they'll need a little time to uh quaint themselves
with each other
or not
well it seems we have some time to kill uh what do you say you and i have sex
too
well i'm just being silly of course picking a blanket
thanks
so have you been breeding long oh oh no i'm relatively new to the uh breeding
game i i do
find however it's a delightful way to meet new people hey wrong end wiener dog
we don't get paid
for that come on now
oh my is he biting her it sounds like she's in pain
oh no not to worry there's a there's a fine line between pain and pleasure but
hey i don't have to
tell you that right hey how you doing hi uh hi sir i would like to look at your
most expensive
hank aaron card place just the one only four in circulation thirty one thousand
dollars
yeah well that's very very fine yeah uh let me look at your least expensive hank
aaron card
kmart legends of the game series six bucks yeah well the thing is see uh there's
this 12-year-old boy
you know and this woman would be really touched if i got him a good gift you
know you know what i'm
saying well i can wrap it up i think he'll love it sold great so is the boy
stupid
what not too swift doesn't know anything about baseball oh no no he's a huge
fan but i'm sure
he'll appreciate that right yeah you might be right how about the woman is she
some kind of beast
what she eat out of a trough
no no no she's beautiful you think this is a bad choice don't you you know what
i don't show this
card to everybody it's a 1954 henry erin rookie season 1200 bucks oh geez 1200
bucks look it's bad
green sweater day i can make a special payment deal for you
uh it is a great card i i guess i could make payments of about 200 a week yeah
i could i could
pay more if only my wiener dog would have sex faster
i hear a lot of that hey norm you know those pictures i took of laurie they
came back oh yeah
how'd they turn a merciful lord god where'd you take this one on a rocket ship
it looks like her
face is pulling about two g's here she's so cute in real life yeah maybe your
face is doing something
so fast the human eye can't pick it up hey guys what's up oh the pictures are
back and how are they
well uh they're not bad he made you look like that hey verne guy
hey norm they both had their walk they played together nicely oh great yeah it's
important for
me to keep wiener dog on his fitness regimen you know i got to keep him trim
for the bitches
you know what i'm not even swearing that's really what they're called
yeah i know i remember how excited you got when you found out what roosters are
called
norm could jimmy use your bathroom the bulimic support group just took a snack
break and
ours is all jammed up
hey jimmy i'm glad you came in buddy yeah i got something for you here check
this out
thank you rookie card yeah it's all yours
geez that's a big hug i'm getting over here
this is the best thing that anyone has ever given me uh look jimmy why don't
you continue hugging norm
after you go to the bathroom okay make sure you wash your hands there
you know i can't believe you gave jimmy that card i mean how could a guy who
seems like such an
insensitive dope do such a sweet thing well i just do that insensitive stuff so
you won't think i'm gay
and you're back look you know i'm just glad that jimmy likes the card you know
if he's important
to you he's important to me right yeah but norm the card must have had a lot of
sentimental value
for you oh no no no except for the fact that my sainted father pressed it into
my little hand
on his deathbed other than that no um look norm i'm maybe i shouldn't do this
but um i'm taking
jimmy to a yankees game tomorrow and how'd you like to come along really you're
asking me out
no we can't date then i accept your invitation for a date look if you call it a
date you can't come
well why do you ask me out then
it's been five hours i don't think they're gonna do it
yeah don't worry he's just about to start uh that's how wiener dog always
begins his dance
of love by hiding under the sink
you ready to go to the movies i can't wiener dog he won't do it no come on you
know i hate to miss the
previews just rub a little meat on her butt let's go
no no it's been like this all weekend you know nine dogs in a row nothing i
think his little rooster's
broke i don't know what your dog's problem is henderson my dog is very sexually
attractive
no ma'am no ma'am uh you don't have to tell me that why from the moment she
sashayed in the door you
know i was cursing the state for enacting those damn laws
we don't need a man to make us feel complete we are whole we are strong we run
with the wolves
any winter dog just needs a rest is it really so terrible if you don't make
extra money for a while
yes it is the only reason shelly likes me is because i got that kid that card
you know and if
i can't afford it i'll have to return it then i won't have any chance with her
at all the same old
story boy meets girl boy uses child to get girl dog stops having sex it's
almost a cliche
come on one candid shot don't you dare i know okay you don't want your picture
taken i can respect that
it wasn't funny in the bathroom and it's not funny here
i'm so screwed with shelly norm i'm still two payments behind on the baseball
card and wiener
dog won't mate you know i've tried everything i even got him a doggy porn
where do you get doggy porn believe me you don't want to meet these guys
hey hey where are you going there wiener dog oh my god norm look at denby's dog
fifi and wiener
dog in the counseling room oh hey he's back in business attaboy wiener dog
norm remember that day that he and fifi spent in the park together i think wiener
dog has been
saving himself what are you talking about they're in love oh that's so sweet oh
look at that it just
looks like they could stay that way for oh they're done
okay wiener dog got a surprise for you it's your old friend
speaking
and my friends for the winner dog make my passionate love to me
oh my god what are you doing to my dog what she was cold if you two want to
spice up your
relationship don't bring my dog into it
what are you doing the only thing i can do i'm going to take all my hockey
stuff back to that
memorabilia store and i'm going to trade it for what i owe that guy you don't
have to do that maybe
i can steal the car back from the kid i mean i think i could take him
he doesn't know karate or anything does he i'll tell you something man i must
be crazy about that
shelley girl because this is all the stuff that i own that's worth anything
okay your pile of crap is
worth about 40 bucks you've got to be kidding no i don't kid the only thing
worth anything is your jersey
i got some guy that's interested oh yeah one of my fans no a guy named enderson
i'm going to take
the h off i can't believe this what would make you think anyone would want to
buy that i don't know
i mean it's uh you know hey you could sell it to the kids you know you could
sell it to the kids uh
luke i am your father
or maybe like a telephone you know hello oh it's for you
bottom line pad you still owe me 900 bucks
look i gotta tell you i don't have it i don't have it well that's okay you have
kids they walk to school
no i don't have kids are you threatening me i'm not threatening you you love
your parents
no but uh that question still bothers me
look bottom line i get paid one way or the other look pal have a heart huh the
kid i gave that card
to loves it more than life itself you know if i have to take it back from him
it's gonna break his
little hey it looks just like that card that is the card jimmy came in here
today and sold it back to me for
900 bucks he walked out of here with a wad that would choke a cow good kid
hi mr henderson shelly has to finish an appointment she'll be right down to go
to the ball game oh yeah
hey jimmy listen uh come under the council room with me i got something to show
you here
i know you sold the card give me the money i did not oh really then what's that
in your pocket
stop touching me unlock them touching i'm gonna tell shelly you stole my money
oh yeah well then
i'm gonna tell shelly that you sold the card that my dad gave me then i'll tell
her your dad didn't
give you that card you lied you just bought it to get her to like you ah jimmy
jimmy jimmy
how did we come to this i want my money well look we both want a lot of things
but let's be realistic
now i can't give you this money because i got to give it to that bad man down
at the card shop
but uh what can i give you i want you to take me to every baseball game for the
rest of the year
i'll take you to two every game i'll take you to three game you better hurry
shelly's coming
all right look here's the deal okay i'll take you to every game except tonight
tonight i want you to
have a stomach ache so i can have a little time alone with shelly deal come on
guys we don't want
to miss the opening pitch yeah actually shelly jimmy can't come he's got a
stomach ache no i'm feeling
better oh really because uh you know sometimes you can get a relapse and get
lost on the subway
um i guess you're right i should stay home and rest tonight um listen norm
maybe we shouldn't go
tonight i mean with jimmy not there it'll look too much like a date you know
although these are good
seats and i and i did really want to go oh it won't seem like a date if i go
oh look at danny helping out there what do you know
yeah yeah how about that then yeah how about you take jimmy home and then you
can meet danny
and i at the ball game okay i guess it'll be all right here come on pal we'll
go next time
oh this is gonna be great oh and afterwards you know we could go bowling or uh
oh oh karaoke
yeah oh yeah you know you know shelly's too you know uptight about it you know
we can drop her
off somewhere let me finish up some work here and then i'll meet you there okay
all right uh well
here's your uh ticket here here you go come on come on man i'm going on a date
all right you'll
have a much better time at home you know shaving your ass
the new photos came in i got a great one of you i don't want to see another
picture of myself again
as long as i live oh hey this is a great one laurie look i'm not looking at it
i'm not lying i don't
want to see it i don't want to look at it laurie everybody hates pictures
themselves you know if you
thought this was a different person you would think she was really cute look i
want to try something
look just stand up all right just stand up don't worry look you're walking down
the street right
you're walking down doodly-doo and then you walk around and then you turn
around look who it is look
oh she's cute of course she's cute i can see a little hair on her belly where
her shirt's riding up
Thank you.

Episode 12   Norm Pimps Wiener Dog 1999 09 29

As I'm sure you know these ratings have to be put on every show this week I've
asked my mom who's more in touch with America than any censor what she thinks
of the show now mom you've seen the show right oh yes I have now if I was seven
years old would you let me watch this show good lord no it has sex and bad
language you have a dirty show yeah would you let me watch Mary Poppins no
it's dirty dirty dirty dirty so if you like dirty and this is the show for
you thank you and enjoy the show thanks oh my god Newsweek is gonna publish my
article on the homeless in there my term section I can't believe it oh what
nothing
it's my mistake it's a phone bill no it's not well what's going on they they
just want to publish a
picture with the article and I take a horrible picture oh come on women I'll
say that it's like
I'm fat or I'm ugly or stop following me or I'm serious really stop following
me
I bet I can get a good shot of you I take all the photos at my family outings
you know how hard it
is to like bald women all right but if this makes me feel worse there are gonna
be so many nasty things
written about you on the walls of the ladies room you write nasty things about
me no stop erasing
I don't know what I'm gonna say I got a message that you need to see me right
away oh yeah yeah I did
there Shelly listen I got you a little something here you can't keep giving me
gifts Norm I'm your
probation officer I'm not supposed to take anything from you that's not enough
specimen bottle I know
you know what I'm gonna get you for your birthday I'm not gonna say more than
that because I don't
want to you know give it away excuse me are you Norm Henderson the hockey
player oh yeah that's right son
this is Jimmy I've been his big sister since he was five years old oh hey Jimmy
what's up
hey I see you collect that baseball cards huh what's your favorite team the Braves
I've got
all of them except for Hank Aaron except for Hank Aaron he was the greatest one
ever that's
like saying you got all the village people except for the Indians you know I
bet I
get you the Hank Aaron card uh excuse me Jimmy Norm I don't want you buying a
Hank Aaron card for
Jimmy just to impress me hey I used to collect baseball cards I might have a
Hank Aaron card
lying around you know everything isn't about you there lady okay you know I got
my mother mother's
day card I suppose that was for you too right all right I get it Norm yeah hey
I I trimmed my nose hair
today right I suppose that was for you actually that was for you what do you
think
I'd like to think you did it for everyone also now that we're alone I don't
want a bottle of urine
for my birthday come on Jimmy I didn't know you held on to your baseball cards
I didn't I traded
them all in fourth grade to Susie Herman so I could make out with her kind of
ironic now you need them to
make out with Shelly yeah let's just hope Shelly doesn't turn out to be a huge
lesbian like that damn
Susie Herman
Hey Taylor yes you think you could help me with Fifi today I brought her into
Manhattan because
I I'm breeding her tonight which hotels allow that you know we bred my lab when
I was a kid
what do you pay for breeding a dog these days what you pay $200 that's the stud
fee $200 but it's
worth it for this guy he's one of the most sought after studs in New York
present company excluded
I'm joking of course hey man look how weird she looks with this grooming I know
they even shaved
her little butt it's gotta be uncomfortable not so much when they're shaving it
but when it's growing
I would guess hey Norm wiener dog comes from a champion bloodline why don't you
try and breed him
oh hey maybe that's a good idea I could get enough money to get Jimmy a really
great Hank Aaron card
you know and wiener dog knows what to do he's watched me many many times
I wonder if you could get $200 every time wiener dog had sex 200 wow that's
more than us humans have
to pay or so I heard from my friend who shaves his ass
too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place too
bad that you had to
get caught that's not like you to lose face so sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place okay wiener dog now I know this is
your first time
but uh but just remember if you respect her she'll respect you
now afterwards uh you're going to have some strong feelings but uh you you try
to stay awake anyways okay
oh hi come on in hello you must be norm i'm margaret barrow and this is
champion che marie
and that must be the son of champion grand mariner wiener
well it's certainly delightful to meet you come on now wiener dog you get the
short one huh
now uh if you'll just follow me i've arranged a love nest for the little critters
in here
there we go now i uh i think they'll need a little time to uh quaint themselves
with each other
or not
well it seems we have some time to kill uh what do you say you and i have sex
too
well i'm just being silly of course picking a blanket
thanks
so have you been breeding long oh oh no i'm relatively new to the uh breeding
game i i do
find however it's a delightful way to meet new people hey wrong end wiener dog
we don't get paid
for that come on now
oh my is he biting her it sounds like she's in pain
oh no not to worry there's a there's a fine line between pain and pleasure but
hey i don't have to
tell you that right hey how you doing hi uh hi sir i would like to look at your
most expensive
hank aaron card place just the one only four in circulation thirty one thousand
dollars
yeah well that's very very fine yeah uh let me look at your least expensive hank
aaron card
kmart legends of the game series six bucks yeah well the thing is see uh there's
this 12-year-old boy
you know and this woman would be really touched if i got him a good gift you
know you know what i'm
saying well i can wrap it up i think he'll love it sold great so is the boy
stupid
what not too swift doesn't know anything about baseball oh no no he's a huge
fan but i'm sure
he'll appreciate that right yeah you might be right how about the woman is she
some kind of beast
what she eat out of a trough
no no no she's beautiful you think this is a bad choice don't you you know what
i don't show this
card to everybody it's a 1954 henry erin rookie season 1200 bucks oh geez 1200
bucks look it's bad
green sweater day i can make a special payment deal for you
uh it is a great card i i guess i could make payments of about 200 a week yeah
i could i could
pay more if only my wiener dog would have sex faster
i hear a lot of that hey norm you know those pictures i took of laurie they
came back oh yeah
how'd they turn a merciful lord god where'd you take this one on a rocket ship
it looks like her
face is pulling about two g's here she's so cute in real life yeah maybe your
face is doing something
so fast the human eye can't pick it up hey guys what's up oh the pictures are
back and how are they
well uh they're not bad he made you look like that hey verne guy
hey norm they both had their walk they played together nicely oh great yeah it's
important for
me to keep wiener dog on his fitness regimen you know i got to keep him trim
for the bitches
you know what i'm not even swearing that's really what they're called
yeah i know i remember how excited you got when you found out what roosters are
called
norm could jimmy use your bathroom the bulimic support group just took a snack
break and
ours is all jammed up
hey jimmy i'm glad you came in buddy yeah i got something for you here check
this out
thank you rookie card yeah it's all yours
geez that's a big hug i'm getting over here
this is the best thing that anyone has ever given me uh look jimmy why don't
you continue hugging norm
after you go to the bathroom okay make sure you wash your hands there
you know i can't believe you gave jimmy that card i mean how could a guy who
seems like such an
insensitive dope do such a sweet thing well i just do that insensitive stuff so
you won't think i'm gay
and you're back look you know i'm just glad that jimmy likes the card you know
if he's important
to you he's important to me right yeah but norm the card must have had a lot of
sentimental value
for you oh no no no except for the fact that my sainted father pressed it into
my little hand
on his deathbed other than that no um look norm i'm maybe i shouldn't do this
but um i'm taking
jimmy to a yankees game tomorrow and how'd you like to come along really you're
asking me out
no we can't date then i accept your invitation for a date look if you call it a
date you can't come
well why do you ask me out then
it's been five hours i don't think they're gonna do it
yeah don't worry he's just about to start uh that's how wiener dog always
begins his dance
of love by hiding under the sink
you ready to go to the movies i can't wiener dog he won't do it no come on you
know i hate to miss the
previews just rub a little meat on her butt let's go
no no it's been like this all weekend you know nine dogs in a row nothing i
think his little rooster's
broke i don't know what your dog's problem is henderson my dog is very sexually
attractive
no ma'am no ma'am uh you don't have to tell me that why from the moment she
sashayed in the door you
know i was cursing the state for enacting those damn laws
we don't need a man to make us feel complete we are whole we are strong we run
with the wolves
any winter dog just needs a rest is it really so terrible if you don't make
extra money for a while
yes it is the only reason shelly likes me is because i got that kid that card
you know and if
i can't afford it i'll have to return it then i won't have any chance with her
at all the same old
story boy meets girl boy uses child to get girl dog stops having sex it's
almost a cliche
come on one candid shot don't you dare i know okay you don't want your picture
taken i can respect that
it wasn't funny in the bathroom and it's not funny here
i'm so screwed with shelly norm i'm still two payments behind on the baseball
card and wiener
dog won't mate you know i've tried everything i even got him a doggy porn
where do you get doggy porn believe me you don't want to meet these guys
hey hey where are you going there wiener dog oh my god norm look at denby's dog
fifi and wiener
dog in the counseling room oh hey he's back in business attaboy wiener dog
norm remember that day that he and fifi spent in the park together i think wiener
dog has been
saving himself what are you talking about they're in love oh that's so sweet oh
look at that it just
looks like they could stay that way for oh they're done
okay wiener dog got a surprise for you it's your old friend
speaking
and my friends for the winner dog make my passionate love to me
oh my god what are you doing to my dog what she was cold if you two want to
spice up your
relationship don't bring my dog into it
what are you doing the only thing i can do i'm going to take all my hockey
stuff back to that
memorabilia store and i'm going to trade it for what i owe that guy you don't
have to do that maybe
i can steal the car back from the kid i mean i think i could take him
he doesn't know karate or anything does he i'll tell you something man i must
be crazy about that
shelley girl because this is all the stuff that i own that's worth anything
okay your pile of crap is
worth about 40 bucks you've got to be kidding no i don't kid the only thing
worth anything is your jersey
i got some guy that's interested oh yeah one of my fans no a guy named enderson
i'm going to take
the h off i can't believe this what would make you think anyone would want to
buy that i don't know
i mean it's uh you know hey you could sell it to the kids you know you could
sell it to the kids uh
luke i am your father
or maybe like a telephone you know hello oh it's for you
bottom line pad you still owe me 900 bucks
look i gotta tell you i don't have it i don't have it well that's okay you have
kids they walk to school
no i don't have kids are you threatening me i'm