Name: Episode 13 Artie Comes to Town 1999 10 06
Uploaded: 2022-05-20T05:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 13 Artie Comes to Town 1999 10 06' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-20. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 13 Artie Comes to Town 1999 10 06' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-20. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Hi. Tonight you're gonna meet my big loser half-brother, Artie.
It's a pretty clean show, except for one joke about a severed foot.
There's also a vague reference to a balloon stuck up somebody's...
Actually, now that I think of it, it's a pretty dirty show.
So, I'll tell you what, right after our special Pokémon opening.
That's right, kids, Pokémon!
You might want to put the littler tykes to bed during the commercial.
Thank you, and enjoy the show.
So, according to your mom, you've been watching this cartoon called, uh,
Pokémon,
and now all you do is, uh, run around the city trying to capture these so-called
creatures.
Is that true, Tommy?
I'm not Tommy. I'm Ash.
I have to train Pokémon for battle.
I gotta catch 'em all.
Look, uh, Ash.
What you have to do is, uh, learn to differentiate between fantasy and reality.
A good way is to remember that, uh, fantasy is good.
Whereas reality, bad.
You can't keep me here.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Pikachu! I choose you!
Pikachu!
Attack!
I'm a Pokémon trainer!
That's right!
Squirtle!
I choose you!
Squirtle!
Ha!
You've chosen a water Pokémon.
He's no match against my electric Pokémon.
Electric?
I'll be in my shell.
You tell me how it works out, okay?
Pikachu!
Attack!
Quit hiding.
You're a fighting Pokémon.
I trained you to fight.
What training?
We sat around, drank coffee, and watched women's tennis.
You said you were gonna work out on your own.
Ah.
Fine.
Butterfree!
I choose you!
Tweet, tweet!
Butterfree!
Whirlwind attack!
I don't wanna do the whirlwind attack.
It's too girly.
I wanna do something else.
I'm gonna throw a chair at him!
Charmander!
I choose you!
Charmander!
Charge!
Put on his fire with your water, Squirtle!
Actually, I have a rash and it hurts when I Squirtle.
Jesse!
James!
Oh, yes!
There you are, Ash.
Team Rocket is here to steal your Pokémon.
Yeah, well, you can have mine.
I'm just gonna use this one for soup anyway.
We gotta end this now, Pikachu.
Thundershock!
You're a worthy adversary.
We will meet again.
You know, providing I survive the series of skin grafts
and years of painful physical therapy.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you're hard to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Norm, no wonder you're having financial problems. Your paperwork's a disaster.
Oh, yeah. Well, when I was a hockey player, I had an accountant do all this
stuff, but it doesn't look that hard, right?
When was the last time you balanced your checkbook?
Oh, I think it was, uh, yesterday.
You don't even know what that means, do you?
No.
We've got about a year's worth of unopened bank statements here, so just for
fun, let's look at last month's.
Oh, my God!
What? Do I have a lot of money? Am I rich?
They closed your account and they included a picture with all the tellers
giving you the finger.
Oh, man, I hope that's not my insane landlady again.
By insane, do you mean she wants you to pay the rent?
Yeah, rent. She's obsessed with it. Rent, rent, rent. I'm like, hey, if you
love the rent so much, why don't you marry it?
Oh, no, it's my crippled neighbor.
Oh, Norm, tell me you don't call her that to her face.
Hey there, Lazy, how you doing?
You know, yesterday was the walk for a miracle marathon. You pledged $5 a mile.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot. Uh, let me see, uh, oh, here you go. I got 10
bucks.
I did the full 26 miles.
You did the whole, wait. Hold on a second. You used the chair, didn't you?
Well, I hope you weren't expecting me to throw myself on the ground and drag
myself along.
Well, actually, I was. I mean, five bucks a mile, you know.
Well, listen, uh, regardless of that, uh, you know, I am, I am, uh, willing to
give you this $10 towards the miracle.
Thanks. We'll name the vaccine after you.
Now you're completely broke.
Oh, yeah, hey, listen, Margie, if you guys aren't up, uh, walking in a month, I'll
need that money back, alright?
Hi, Social Services, what's your problem?
I'll put you through.
Taylor, that is not the way to answer the phone. You must say it like this.
Hello, Department of Social Services, how may I direct your call?
Hello, Department of Social Services, how may I direct your call?
Hey, Shelly.
Hi, Norm.
Hey, you wanna get married?
Still no.
You know, Norm, you're a lot like Evel Knievel.
Half the fun's watching you crash and burn.
I've got a message for you. Your brother already called. He's in town.
Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
Oh, he's coming by later.
Norm, you never told me you had a brother.
You never asked.
Yes, I did.
At your last probation meeting, I asked, "Do you have a brother?"
And you said, "No, I do not have a brother."
Well, I was probably thrown by your vague question.
Besides which, Artie is my half-brother. We have different moms.
So, why do you never talk about him? Do you guys have problems?
Well, we have kind of a weird relationship, you know?
Because he was always a big loser, and I was always a super handsome,
successful athlete.
You wanna get married?
Norm, when you've asked me that for the millionth time, do you think balloons
and confetti and a big old sign that says yes will just pop out of my butt?
If that's true, it'd be pretty cool if I asked you on New Year's Eve.
Sure, Norm, you know, maybe you and your brother will get along better now that
you're a big loser, too.
I guess by loser, you mean the court sentenced me to the same job that you
chose as a profession?
Yeah, that's exactly what I mean, loser.
It was a dire situation. The other place fell through.
What's going on?
He won't let us have it here.
I'm sorry. We don't have the insurance.
And besides, I'm not gonna put my reputation on the line for this ticking
political time bomb.
Political time bomb. Toys for orphans.
Toys for orphans. I thought we were talking about your idea.
Sterilizing immigrants.
Which, of course, I'm against. Of course. Oh, damn you.
Listen, everybody, I wanted to let you know that Lori and Shelley's Toys for Orphan
party's gonna be held here in the office at my insistence.
Lori.
Thank you, Mr. Denby.
FYI, the toy donation barrel has been out for three weeks now. All we've
received is a remote control truck.
Don't break that, Norm. 32 orphans have to play with that.
Norm, you scrawny freak. How are ya?
Hey, hey, hey.
I heard the old son of a gun. Hey, that's a sharp suit.
Hey, what, did Armani sew two suits together special or something like that?
Hey, let me introduce you around.
Wait, wait. I bet I can guess who's suit from the way you described him on the
phone.
You must be Taylor, right? How you doing? Good to see you.
Wait a minute. I didn't see her.
Hi, I'm Danny. I'm sure Norm's told you all about me.
Oh, yeah, Danny. Norm says you're like the nuttiest guy in the whole darn place.
How you doing? Good to see you.
Okay.
Hey, Artie, I want you to meet my probation officer, Shelley Kilmart.
Oh, nice to meet you. My brother speaks of you with such respect and admiration.
I really think you're helping him.
That ought to get you some.
Only if you're gonna give it to him.
Hey, I brought everybody a little something.
Oh, hey, Artie, you didn't have to do that.
No, no, I'm doing real well now. I'm in the import-export business.
Import-export?
Artie, you don't have a balloon full of something stuck way up inside of you,
do you?
Would you give me a break? I'm doing great.
I'm making a ton of money moving factory seconds.
Whatever this is, I'm gonna need bigger ones.
They're dress shields. They're making a comeback.
Come on, pass 'em around.
Oh, Lori. Lori, this is the last toy collection barrel, the one from town in
the Bowery.
Do we get anything?
Oh, it looks like a foot.
What?
What are we gonna do, Lori?
We can't have a Toys for Orphans party without toys.
Hey, let me take care of that for you. I got a warehouse full of toys.
You're kidding!
Ha! Just tell me what you need.
Oh, Artie, you're the best!
Artie, you're like a big Santa!
Not because you're fat.
Hey, you know what, Artie? You don't have to do that.
You know, I already planned to get the toys myself. It's all taken care of.
Why didn't you say that earlier?
Huh. Well, I was trying to build drama. You know, I was trying to use suspense.
Why don't you shut up, huh?
You know what, Norm? I don't know how or why you're doing this. I just think it's
terrific.
What are you doing? Why don't you let Artie get the toys?
Well, because Artie will never get the toys. He's just lying. He's a big show-off.
He's full of crap, that guy.
Well, why didn't you tell Shelly?
Because he's my brother. I'm not gonna badmouth him, you know?
Well...
They got me on hold.
Okay, now remember, this is my last chance to get toys. So, you know, try to
act really, really crippled. You know?
Yeah, you just cripple it up there.
Yeah, yeah.
I know how to do that.
Hello? Like I was saying, I need a donation of a couple hundred kids' toys, I
need 'em fast, and I need you to wrap 'em.
Hello? Hello?
Ah, I told you this would never work.
Ah, you were right. On the phone, you're not a courageous, handicapped
inspiration who is, "Oh, you're a bitch."
Well, maybe if I'm a bit harsh at times, it's because life has been harsh to me.
Oh, yeah, listen, I'm sorry about that, Marge.
Ah, gotcha, schmuck.
Oh, oh, hey, Artie. Listen, I'd like you to meet Marge. Marge, this is Artie.
Hi, how are you?
Guess what?
This is not a hearing aid.
Hey, what's that?
Hey, that's a little wiener dog.
Ah, this guy's super smart.
I can tell. He tricked you into thinking he's an appropriate pet for a grown
man.
Hey, this was on your door, man. It says you're gonna shut off your electricity.
Oh, oh, this. Oh, yeah. No, no, this is a clever menu from, uh, we're turning
off your electricity pizza joint down the street.
I know you're in there, Henderson!
Shh, shh. It's my landlady.
What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just this, uh, this hilarious game I play with my landlady.
I want to rent you, dirtbag!
It's called "I want to rent you, dirtbag."
I play the dirtbag.
I pay no attention to her. She's just trying to get attention.
You think you can ignore me? Try living here without a door.
I've been trying to get her to get rid of that door forever. Thank you! Thank
you, thank you!
You pay the rent, you get your door back.
You know, you could have just told me you don't have any money.
Well, that's embarrassing, you know?
Look, you don't have to go putting on a big front about it.
How are you gonna get toys for orphans?
Well, I don't know, but, uh, you know, you were saying you had a big warehouse
full of toys.
You know, how would Shelly have felt about me after you didn't deliver?
Listen, I'm doing real well right now. Look, this is a real Rolex, man.
Why don't you let me help you out?
All those years of you helping me, I'm glad I can finally do it.
All right, thanks.
And listen, you obviously got a thing for this Shelly broad, so why don't we
let her believe that you got the toys?
I don't know, I feel kind of funny about this, though.
I feel funny about this, too. One of your creepy neighbors is watching this.
Finish your bathroom?
No.
Okay, I'll wait till you leave.
You know, Norm, it was so great of you to do this for the orphans.
Oh, yeah. That's my big brother. Wonderful man, wonderful lover.
So, how did you get your friend to give you all these toys for free?
Uh, well, he's an old war buddy.
Uh, you were never in the military.
Oh, no, I mean the card game war.
Actually, he's more of a crazy age buddy, you know.
Sorry we're late. We parked on the street. Very nice man with no teeth is
watching the car.
You know, Norm, I don't know how we're ever gonna repay you for this.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know, most guys are so crude they'd want sex.
But not me.
Uh, you know, listen, why don't you guys go make some room in the back of the
truck and I'll open the door, alright?
Uh, it's not usually padlocked. I'll just get the key.
What's that?
Sometimes it sticks, man.
Oh, God, we're stealing these toys. You're gonna get my friends arrested.
Look, we're not stealing these toys.
What, are you kidding me? Who opens the door like that?
What do you know about it? You don't even have a door.
I should've known we were stealing. I've seen this in a hundred movies.
The broken warehouse door, the dirty alley. All we need is a shifty-eyed guy glancing
from side to side.
You're the shifty-eyed guy.
What are you doing? These are my friends, you know?
You know how long Danny's gonna last in prison?
Hey, can I keep this pirate hat?
Hey, guys, listen, uh, there's been an emergency. Mr. Denby called here on the
cellular phone.
And, uh, he says we all have to go back to the office because there's a, uh, an
emergency with, uh, one of Shelly's cases.
Oh, my God. Is it Mr. Johnson?
Huh? Uh, what's his first name?
Frank?
Frank Johnson, that's him. That's the dude.
Oh, God, we gotta go.
Frank Johnson, you don't suppose he's...
Yes, I do suppose he's...
Oh!
Frank Johnson, are you kidding me?
What are you doing, man?
It's bad enough you disappoint me, but, you know, you're stealing toys from
orphans, you know?
What's next? You know, stealing toys from orphans? There's nothing worse than
that. There's no next.
Look, take the toys. They're not stolen.
My partner in the import business screwed me over.
He owes me a ton of money. I'm just taking it out in merchandise.
You're just a screw-up like you always been, you know?
What, do you think? You're gonna impress me because you strut into the office
with your big fancy suits and your dress shields?
Do I detect a little note of jealousy? Just for once, you can't be the golden
boy, huh?
I'm jealous of you. You've always been jealous of me because I had the skinny
mother.
Look, I don't know what your problem is. This is all completely legal. It would
hold up in any court of law.
Run!
I don't wanna do Goldilocks in the three bears again.
Well, I don't wanna do it either, but we have to keep the children entertained
while we wait for Norm and Artie to get here.
And then the children can enjoy watching me kill them.
You know what? I'm gonna try to call him.
I'll go to the other room. I don't think kids should hear that kind of language.
Can't I get out of this now? I used to have a client at the massage parlor who
made me dress up like this.
I'm guessing all the beds there were just right.
And Mr. Denby?
Once upon a time, there were three bears.
Stop the moaning.
Stop the moaning.
You know, I have a master's degree in administration.
I don't have to take this kind of disrespect from you...brats!
There was no emergency. Where the hell have you been?
Look, Artie was trying to steal those toys. I told him to go to hell.
But anyways, I got some great presents that I found right in my house.
Come on, kids!
Open them up.
What was that? A spatula? And an egg beater?
Well, maybe to you, but to the mind of a child, why, that's a water whirly and
that's a dachy paddle.
I got a toaster.
I got a piece of bread.
Hey, why don't you two kids play together?
Oh, hey, hey, somebody got a ketchup packet mobile.
Yeah.
You know what? Everybody, we're all gonna go down to the lunch room
and I'm gonna buy ice cream bars for everybody.
And that way, at least they can play with those little sticks.
Hey, hey, are there any kids here without parents who want some toys?
Yeah!
Danny, Lori, Pansy's out. Will you do me a favor?
Hey, Marty, I can't let you give these kids stolen toys.
They're not stolen. I bought 'em.
How'd you buy 'em?
None of your business.
Hey, hey, what happened to your Rolex?
Look, who needs a watch?
When you have the love and admiration of kids like this, you know, material
things just don't seem to matter.
I missed my watch, man.
Hi, Marty. You did a great thing for the kids, man.
Well, actually, I did it for you, too. I didn't want you to think I was a screw-up
my whole life, you know?
You know how I feel about you, man.
Oh, yeah. What, are you gonna tongue kiss me now?
You're welcome.
Man, look at those kids, though. Look how happy they are.
Yeah, it fills me with all kinds of feelings, you know?
Hey, any of you kids want some pie?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah? Well, I'd like to know what time it is!
Okay, it's ready. Come on in.
Well, you got me a door, huh?
Yeah. The guy owed me a favor, so I used it to get you a door, man.
That's great. Look, it's even got my business hours in.
Listen, man, I'm all packed up, so I'm gonna get going.
Oh, hey, you know, everything turned out all right.
Why don't you stay here?
Really? You let me stay in your apartment?
Good God, no. I mean the city.
You can stay in the city.
But you can hang out here until you find a place.
Thanks.
Hey! You can't have this door!
You hear me? You see me? Open up!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!
I'm here to go dance, man!

Episode 13   Artie Comes to Town 1999 10 06

Hi. Tonight you're gonna meet my big loser half-brother, Artie.
It's a pretty clean show, except for one joke about a severed foot.
There's also a vague reference to a balloon stuck up somebody's...
Actually, now that I think of it, it's a pretty dirty show.
So, I'll tell you what, right after our special Pokémon opening.
That's right, kids, Pokémon!
You might want to put the littler tykes to bed during the commercial.
Thank you, and enjoy the show.
So, according to your mom, you've been watching this cartoon called, uh,
Pokémon,
and now all you do is, uh, run around the city trying to capture these so-called
creatures.
Is that true, Tommy?
I'm not Tommy. I'm Ash.
I have to train Pokémon for battle.
I gotta catch 'em all.
Look, uh, Ash.
What you have to do is, uh, learn to differentiate between fantasy and reality.
A good way is to remember that, uh, fantasy is good.
Whereas reality, bad.
You can't keep me here.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
Pikachu! I choose you!
Pikachu!
Attack!
I'm a Pokémon trainer!
That's right!
Squirtle!
I choose you!
Squirtle!
Ha!
You've chosen a water Pokémon.
He's no match against my electric Pokémon.
Electric?
I'll be in my shell.
You tell me how it works out, okay?
Pikachu!
Attack!
Quit hiding.
You're a fighting Pokémon.
I trained you to fight.
What training?
We sat around, drank coffee, and watched women's tennis.
You said you were gonna work out on your own.
Ah.
Fine.
Butterfree!
I choose you!
Tweet, tweet!
Butterfree!
Whirlwind attack!
I don't wanna do the whirlwind attack.
It's too girly.
I wanna do something else.
I'm gonna throw a chair at him!
Charmander!
I choose you!
Charmander!
Charge!
Put on his fire with your water, Squirtle!
Actually, I have a rash and it hurts when I Squirtle.
Jesse!
James!
Oh, yes!
There you are, Ash.
Team Rocket is here to steal your Pokémon.
Yeah, well, you can have mine.
I'm just gonna use this one for soup anyway.
We gotta end this now, Pikachu.
Thundershock!
You're a worthy adversary.
We will meet again.
You know, providing I survive the series of skin grafts
and years of painful physical therapy.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you're hard to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Norm, no wonder you're having financial problems. Your paperwork's a disaster.
Oh, yeah. Well, when I was a hockey player, I had an accountant do all this
stuff, but it doesn't look that hard, right?
When was the last time you balanced your checkbook?
Oh, I think it was, uh, yesterday.
You don't even know what that means, do you?
No.
We've got about a year's worth of unopened bank statements here, so just for
fun, let's look at last month's.
Oh, my God!
What? Do I have a lot of money? Am I rich?
They closed your account and they included a picture with all the tellers
giving you the finger.
Oh, man, I hope that's not my insane landlady again.
By insane, do you mean she wants you to pay the rent?
Yeah, rent. She's obsessed with it. Rent, rent, rent. I'm like, hey, if you
love the rent so much, why don't you marry it?
Oh, no, it's my crippled neighbor.
Oh, Norm, tell me you don't call her that to her face.
Hey there, Lazy, how you doing?
You know, yesterday was the walk for a miracle marathon. You pledged $5 a mile.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot. Uh, let me see, uh, oh, here you go. I got 10
bucks.
I did the full 26 miles.
You did the whole, wait. Hold on a second. You used the chair, didn't you?
Well, I hope you weren't expecting me to throw myself on the ground and drag
myself along.
Well, actually, I was. I mean, five bucks a mile, you know.
Well, listen, uh, regardless of that, uh, you know, I am, I am, uh, willing to
give you this $10 towards the miracle.
Thanks. We'll name the vaccine after you.
Now you're completely broke.
Oh, yeah, hey, listen, Margie, if you guys aren't up, uh, walking in a month, I'll
need that money back, alright?
Hi, Social Services, what's your problem?
I'll put you through.
Taylor, that is not the way to answer the phone. You must say it like this.
Hello, Department of Social Services, how may I direct your call?
Hello, Department of Social Services, how may I direct your call?
Hey, Shelly.
Hi, Norm.
Hey, you wanna get married?
Still no.
You know, Norm, you're a lot like Evel Knievel.
Half the fun's watching you crash and burn.
I've got a message for you. Your brother already called. He's in town.
Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
Oh, he's coming by later.
Norm, you never told me you had a brother.
You never asked.
Yes, I did.
At your last probation meeting, I asked, "Do you have a brother?"
And you said, "No, I do not have a brother."
Well, I was probably thrown by your vague question.
Besides which, Artie is my half-brother. We have different moms.
So, why do you never talk about him? Do you guys have problems?
Well, we have kind of a weird relationship, you know?
Because he was always a big loser, and I was always a super handsome,
successful athlete.
You wanna get married?
Norm, when you've asked me that for the millionth time, do you think balloons
and confetti and a big old sign that says yes will just pop out of my butt?
If that's true, it'd be pretty cool if I asked you on New Year's Eve.
Sure, Norm, you know, maybe you and your brother will get along better now that
you're a big loser, too.
I guess by loser, you mean the court sentenced me to the same job that you
chose as a profession?
Yeah, that's exactly what I mean, loser.
It was a dire situation. The other place fell through.
What's going on?
He won't let us have it here.
I'm sorry. We don't have the insurance.
And besides, I'm not gonna put my reputation on the line for this ticking
political time bomb.
Political time bomb. Toys for orphans.
Toys for orphans. I thought we were talking about your idea.
Sterilizing immigrants.
Which, of course, I'm against. Of course. Oh, damn you.
Listen, everybody, I wanted to let you know that Lori and Shelley's Toys for Orphan
party's gonna be held here in the office at my insistence.
Lori.
Thank you, Mr. Denby.
FYI, the toy donation barrel has been out for three weeks now. All we've
received is a remote control truck.
Don't break that, Norm. 32 orphans have to play with that.
Norm, you scrawny freak. How are ya?
Hey, hey, hey.
I heard the old son of a gun. Hey, that's a sharp suit.
Hey, what, did Armani sew two suits together special or something like that?
Hey, let me introduce you around.
Wait, wait. I bet I can guess who's suit from the way you described him on the
phone.
You must be Taylor, right? How you doing? Good to see you.
Wait a minute. I didn't see her.
Hi, I'm Danny. I'm sure Norm's told you all about me.
Oh, yeah, Danny. Norm says you're like the nuttiest guy in the whole darn place.
How you doing? Good to see you.
Okay.
Hey, Artie, I want you to meet my probation officer, Shelley Kilmart.
Oh, nice to meet you. My brother speaks of you with such respect and admiration.
I really think you're helping him.
That ought to get you some.
Only if you're gonna give it to him.
Hey, I brought everybody a little something.
Oh, hey, Artie, you didn't have to do that.
No, no, I'm doing real well now. I'm in the import-export business.
Import-export?
Artie, you don't have a balloon full of something stuck way up inside of you,
do you?
Would you give me a break? I'm doing great.
I'm making a ton of money moving factory seconds.
Whatever this is, I'm gonna need bigger ones.
They're dress shields. They're making a comeback.
Come on, pass 'em around.
Oh, Lori. Lori, this is the last toy collection barrel, the one from town in
the Bowery.
Do we get anything?
Oh, it looks like a foot.
What?
What are we gonna do, Lori?
We can't have a Toys for Orphans party without toys.
Hey, let me take care of that for you. I got a warehouse full of toys.
You're kidding!
Ha! Just tell me what you need.
Oh, Artie, you're the best!
Artie, you're like a big Santa!
Not because you're fat.
Hey, you know what, Artie? You don't have to do that.
You know, I already planned to get the toys myself. It's all taken care of.
Why didn't you say that earlier?
Huh. Well, I was trying to build drama. You know, I was trying to use suspense.
Why don't you shut up, huh?
You know what, Norm? I don't know how or why you're doing this. I just think it's
terrific.
What are you doing? Why don't you let Artie get the toys?
Well, because Artie will never get the toys. He's just lying. He's a big show-off.
He's full of crap, that guy.
Well, why didn't you tell Shelly?
Because he's my brother. I'm not gonna badmouth him, you know?
Well...
They got me on hold.
Okay, now remember, this is my last chance to get toys. So, you know, try to
act really, really crippled. You know?
Yeah, you just cripple it up there.
Yeah, yeah.
I know how to do that.
Hello? Like I was saying, I need a donation of a couple hundred kids' toys, I
need 'em fast, and I need you to wrap 'em.
Hello? Hello?
Ah, I told you this would never work.
Ah, you were right. On the phone, you're not a courageous, handicapped
inspiration who is, "Oh, you're a bitch."
Well, maybe if I'm a bit harsh at times, it's because life has been harsh to me.
Oh, yeah, listen, I'm sorry about that, Marge.
Ah, gotcha, schmuck.
Oh, oh, hey, Artie. Listen, I'd like you to meet Marge. Marge, this is Artie.
Hi, how are you?
Guess what?
This is not a hearing aid.
Hey, what's that?
Hey, that's a little wiener dog.
Ah, this guy's super smart.
I can tell. He tricked you into thinking he's an appropriate pet for a grown
man.
Hey, this was on your door, man. It says you're gonna shut off your electricity.
Oh, oh, this. Oh, yeah. No, no, this is a clever menu from, uh, we're turning
off your electricity pizza joint down the street.
I know you're in there, Henderson!
Shh, shh. It's my landlady.
What's wrong?
Nothing. It's just this, uh, this hilarious game I play with my landlady.
I want to rent you, dirtbag!
It's called "I want to rent you, dirtbag."
I play the dirtbag.
I pay no attention to her. She's just trying to get attention.
You think you can ignore me? Try living here without a door.
I've been trying to get her to get rid of that door forever. Thank you! Thank
you, thank you!
You pay the rent, you get your door back.
You know, you could have just told me you don't have any money.
Well, that's embarrassing, you know?
Look, you don't have to go putting on a big front about it.
How are you gonna get toys for orphans?
Well, I don't know, but, uh, you know, you were saying you had a big warehouse
full of toys.
You know, how would Shelly have felt about me after you didn't deliver?
Listen, I'm doing real well right now. Look, this is a real Rolex, man.
Why don't you let me help you out?
All those years of you helping me, I'm glad I can finally do it.
All right, thanks.
And listen, you obviously got a thing for this Shelly broad, so why don't we
let her believe that you got the toys?
I don't know, I feel kind of funny about this, though.
I feel funny about this, too. One of your creepy neighbors is watching this.
Finish your bathroom?
No.
Okay, I'll wait till you leave.
You know, Norm, it was so great of you to do this for the orphans.
Oh, yeah. That's my big brother. Wonderful man, wonderful lover.
So, how did you get your friend to give you all these toys for free?
Uh, well, he's an old war buddy.
Uh, you were never in the military.
Oh, no, I mean the card game war.
Actually, he's more of a crazy age buddy, you know.
Sorry we're late. We parked on the street. Very nice man with no teeth is
watching the car.
You know, Norm, I don't know how we're ever gonna repay you for this.
Oh, yeah. Well, you know, most guys are so crude they'd want sex.
But not me.
Uh, you know, listen, why don't you guys go make some room in the back of the
truck and I'll open the door, alright?
Uh, it's not usually padlocked. I'll just get the key.
What's that?
Som