Name: Episode 15 Norm and Shelley in Love 1999 10 20
Uploaded: 2022-05-22T05:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 15 Norm and Shelley in Love 1999 10 20' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-22. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 15 Norm and Shelley in Love 1999 10 20' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-22. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Hi, tonight I'd like to explain the rating systems using human props.
Now, TVG means that little Riley here can watch the show whenever she wants.
TVPG means that Kevin might want to have some adult supervision.
TV14 means that Eric, who's only 13, has to wait a year to watch the show.
Tough luck there, buddy.
And TVMA means that Bert can pretty well watch whatever he wants.
I like women's.
You're a charming fellow, Bert.
Enjoy the show.
Norm, I'm your probation officer.
You're not supposed to pick me up in a handsome cab.
Oh, I think what you're trying to say is, you're not supposed to pick me up in
a cab handsome.
All right, let's just get on with it.
You were busted for gambling.
You haven't done any gambling lately, have you?
Oh, no, no, of course not.
No, I take the terms of my probation very seriously.
Champagne?
No, I usually don't drink during our meetings.
I prefer to drink immediately afterwards.
Oh, my goodness.
Somebody left a romantic dinner for two here in the cab.
Boy, whoever set up this must have been one romantic dude, right?
That dude was me.
Driver, stop.
Uh, let me out here.
Norm, this was very flattering in a Travis Bickle sort of way.
Like, we can't date.
From now on, we'll just have our meetings at the office.
It's not a date.
It's not a date.
It's not a date for the last time.
It's not a...
Well, at least take your lobster to go.
Say, my man.
You still want to go through with this?
Yeah, sure.
What the hell?
You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who loves you like I do, baby
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad, too bad
Too bad, too bad
Too bad, too bad
Too bad
Hey, Norm.
Here are my, uh, picks.
I got a new system this week.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I guess your, uh, system last week
the most homoerotic mascots that didn't work out for you.
What's going on here?
You know, all morning long
I've seen people coming up to you
handing you money, Norm.
Oh, uh, yes, sir.
We're taking up a collection to get you a chin.
I may be, uh, I may be small chin
but, uh, I happen to have been blessed elsewhere.
Nobody wants to hear that, sir.
Listen.
I know what you're doing.
You're running a football pool.
Uh, no, of course not, sir.
That would be gambling.
That would be a violation of my probation.
Now, uh, Danny.
Danny is running the football pool.
Yeah, that's right, sir.
But don't be too hard on him, sir.
Do you know that studies show
that, uh, activities such as the office pool
can actually increase productivity
and boost morale?
Oh, really?
No, I just tricked you by saying studies show.
People always believe that.
Studies show.
You can do that, sir.
That's my gift to you study show.
Danny.
Danny, you know, I'm hurt
that you've excluded me
from this great fraternal activity.
Uh, you actually want to play?
Well, I'd make it as a surprise to you
but I happen to be very much of a guy's guy.
Uh, uh, man's man.
Um, hombre macho.
Okay, uh, all right.
Uh, fill this out
and bring it back with, uh, five bucks.
Okay.
Oh, look at it.
It's American football.
That really, no, it's really,
that makes it really interesting.
So, how does this dating service work?
So, you pick the guy
that you like by his picture
and then the service
sends you in his video.
So, see, like, see,
I put smiley faces
by the guys that I like
and then I put, like,
frowny faces by the guys
who shave their hair
into pentagrams.
Hey, guys, listen,
you gotta help me out out there.
Shelly, uh, won't go out with me
and I've, uh, tried
every trick in the book.
Oh, forget the tricks.
Norm, I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
You know what women really like?
Macaroni and cheese.
Well, some, yeah,
but in general,
women really like to be listened to.
Laurie's right, Norm.
If you would stop pushing so hard,
just listen to her for a minute,
she'd realize you're interested
in her as a person.
I know.
The thing is that
I can't listen to people
because I spend all my time
when people are talking
thinking of my next thing to say.
Now, if I had to start
listening to the person,
I'd have no idea what to say
when that person stopped talking.
Trust us.
It'll work.
Okay, I'll try it.
And it's very rewarding work.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Some days are hard.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
But the good days...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
...make up for it.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And that's the way...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
...I like it.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
...I like it.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna take my coat
and my purse
and leave, uh, 20,
just in case
we never see each other again.
Hmm, this is good.
I haven't had lemonade
in a long time.
No lemonade in a long time.
Fascinating.
You can really weave a tail there.
So, uh, go on.
Um, what were we talking about before?
Oh, uh, well,
you said that you had lost
a button on your coat.
And then I said,
interesting.
And then you said,
I haven't had lemonade
in a long time.
And then I said,
fascinating.
And then you said,
I can't remember
what we were talking about.
And then I said,
you said,
you lost a button on your coat.
I know what you're doing.
And I can't go out with you.
I shouldn't have even met you
here in the first place.
The air conditioning in your office
probably isn't even broken,
is it?
Yeah, I broke it.
You're a great guy,
but sometimes what we want
isn't what we need.
We think we need
what we want,
but the one
isn't really a need.
We only feel it
for want of knowing
what those needs are.
You're not gonna get rid of me
by pretending you're a moron.
Let's go back to the office.
Okay, come on.
This is stupid.
Listen, I like you
and I know you like me,
so come on.
Norm,
don't do this.
What?
I'm not going
until you tell me
you don't like me.
Cut it out.
Just seriously,
look me in the eye,
tell me you don't like me,
and then I will
leave you alone forever.
Fine.
I don't like you.
Hey, Norm.
And that's how
a cotton gin works.
Joey, Joey.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Anderson, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Sid, we've got to talk here.
We've got to talk
about your expense report.
Oh, yeah, don't worry
about that, sir.
I'm not good with decimals.
If it says $1,000,
give me 10 bucks.
I'll be fine.
No, no, no.
I'm a winner.
I'm a winner.
I'm a winner.
I won.
I won, Norm.
I won the football pool.
Where's Danny?
Oh, I'm handling
the payouts this week, sir.
Here you go, sir.
Here's your winnings.
$5.
Five?
Five, six, five dollars.
Why so little?
Oh, well, sir,
I was just assuming
that like all the other winners,
you would want to donate
your money to charity.
Yeah.
You're supporting
a child in Africa.
What child?
Well, I'll show you.
I got a picture of him here.
Here you go, sir.
Look at that.
Let me see that.
Well, no,
you don't want to see that.
It's a gruesome picture, sir.
It's a child
in the last stages
of starvingness.
It's a baseball card.
No, it's not, sir.
Well, that's a third-world child
who just happens
to be wearing
a Yankees outfit now.
It's Joe Torre.
Oh, my God.
Right.
You're right, sir.
We've been scammed.
This is ridiculous.
I can't believe
a major league manager
would stoop
to something like this.
Oh, I'm gonna, you know.
Give me my money.
Give me my money.
Your money.
All right, sir.
But if Joe Torre starves to death,
it's on your head
there, pal.
Oh, hey, uh, Shelley.
Uh, Norm.
Uh, listen, uh, earlier,
you know, in the, uh,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I, uh...
Um, you know, the, uh,
when we...
Yeah, yeah, I was thinking...
... came out of kiss?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, uh, maybe, uh,
you know, if we, like, dated...
Dating?
Yeah.
That would be good.
Uh, you know,
and also after, you know,
we, uh...
What?
Dated, we could, you know,
we could...
What?
Well, you know,
we could, you know,
talk in, uh,
complete sentences,
you know?
I'd like that.
But, uh, Norm,
Norm, um,
listen, uh,
I could get fired
if anybody finds out
about this, so, uh...
Oh, look!
Uh, there's a new stapler
over there I see.
Oh, yeah,
That's a great one.
It's one of those black ones.
So we can't date
until I get you
a new probation officer,
okay?
Well, that's gonna
drive me crazy.
That's one kiss
and then nothing?
That's, that's like
giving a starving man
a little scrap of food
and then not having
sex with him.
That's...
I'm sorry,
but we have no choice, Norm.
I gotta come.
Well, wait, wait.
I have an idea.
What if, uh,
I kissed the desk here
and then I walked away
and then you came
and you kissed the desk
as well?
Um, sorry.
I'm not gonna get into
a three-way with furniture.
Hey, Norm,
here's my $5
and my picks
for next week's football pool.
I'm going with teams
with the fewest drug addicts.
Football pool?
Huh?
Are you gambling?
Oh, well,
I think I can,
I can answer
that question best
with a deep kiss.
Norm,
you're on probation.
You're not supposed
to be gambling.
I knew that's how
you'd react.
That's why I didn't tell you.
But, uh,
you know,
a football pool
isn't really gambling.
It's more like a lobby,
you know,
except, you know,
people don't pay
with their welfare checks.
That's...
Let's see,
all the time
you were trying
to get me
to go out with you,
you were breaking
your probation.
Norm,
I trusted you
and you lied to me.
Come on,
I think you're
overreacting there.
No, no.
I'm not overreacting.
I am your probation officer
and this is right
in front of my face.
Enough of your
girly hysterics there.
Let's see.
Okay.
I'm gonna have
to punish you.
You're not gonna...
You're not gonna punish me.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
Some little lady
is angling
for some flowers.
I get it.
You need to go
to the bathroom
over here, boss.
You need to go
when I say
you need to go.
Ridiculous
making grown men
do this.
Degrading.
Yeah.
Hey, look.
I have a food cup.
So?
Sounds like
Shelly's really mad
at you.
No, it's just
one of those power plays
at the start
of every relationship.
Like when you stabbed
your girlfriend.
I gotta tell you,
I was way out of line
on that one.
Hey, Lori,
what are you doing here?
I brought you some lunch.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah.
Me and some of the fellas
were gonna go out
for crepes,
but this is nice.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm great.
Getting a lot of exercise
there, meeting new friends.
Look, I even got a stick
with a nail on the end.
Here, Shelly asked me
to give you the name
and number
of your new probation officer.
New probation officer?
So she's not
my probation officer anymore.
That means we can date.
No, not exactly.
No, I think you guys
are pretty much broken up.
She said she never
wanted to see you again.
Oh, you know why
she's doing this?
It's because she feels
guilty about kissing me.
You deceived her.
You broke the rules
of your probation
and you put her job
in jeopardy.
That sounds bad
until you realize
that that character
over there
stabbed his girlfriends.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I really feel
that you are due
for a great guy.
A dream date.
Another dud.
I hate this game.
Oh, I forget.
Is it two sips
for a dud
or two sips
for a dream date?
Oh, is that how
we're doing it?
I've just been
drinking steadily.
Well, whatever.
I sure hope Taylor
hurries up
and gets here
with that pizza.
Yeah, because besides
being lonely and bitter,
I want to be fat, too.
Damn!
He looks just like Norm.
Did not tell you
to leave me alone.
Taylor!
Taylor!
Taylor!
What happened here?
You guys are drunk.
So it's working.
We're playing
mystery game.
You want to play?
Sure.
I got a dream date.
Look at her.
Even the game knows.
It's not that easy
for me, either.
I'm swearing off men
until I get my life together.
I'm not having sex
for at least six months.
Yeah, I'm probably
not going to have sex
for about six months, either.
Not necessarily by choice,
but...
And you know what?
I'm okay with that.
Come on, Lori.
Come on, Lori.
Come on, Lori.
Gee, gee, gee.
A classy lady like you,
it's hard to believe
you can't find a guy.
The dating services suck
because the videos
they make stink
and they make you say
all this stupid stuff,
you know, like your feelings
and, you know,
your real age.
It's too bad
you can't make
your own video.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I'm going to make
my own video.
I'm going to make
my own video.
I'm going to make
my own video.
Make my own.
I'll make it for you.
Make my own video.
I'm going to...
I'm going to start
kind of wide
because you're swaying a lot.
Go.
Hi, I'm Lori
and I'm 28.
I'm, uh, easygoing
and carefree
and I only have
a couple of dating rules.
The first off
is do not do
a lot of innuendo
about how good
you are in bed
and then stink
and, uh,
the other thing
is that ears
are not handles.
Oh, yeah.
I don't think
you should do this
right now.
Let's do me.
I need you guys to.
Go.
Hi, I'm Shelly.
I like guys
who aren't Norm.
Oh, you know what?
I don't want to do
a dating video.
I want to do one for Norm.
Hey, Norm.
You suck!
And guess what else?
You blew it.
You just think
I'm all cold
and official.
But when I take off
my bed
and I let down
my panties,
whoop!
I'm in here.
Wait.
No.
I'm in panties.
I really blew it
this time.
I never should have
gambled.
The mistake you made
was telling her
you gambled.
Never tell women
the truth,
not even your mother.
Daddy tried
on my girdle.
Hey, driver,
could you stop
beating whatever
stinks so bad?
He's not eating
anything.
Look, man,
you weren't wrong
to tell Shelly
the truth.
That's how you
build a relationship.
You gotta keep
taking risks like that.
It'll be worth it.
Artie's right.
Don't listen to me.
Hey, I know
about stuff like this.
I talk like a slob,
but believe me,
I'm a lot deeper
than people think.
Hey, honey,
my buddy here
is a little depressed.
How much for a blumpkin?
Norm,
Shelly's out in the hall.
You ought to go talk to her.
She doesn't want to talk
to me.
She hates me.
All right,
this is really inappropriate,
but I brought you a video.
Yeah, listen,
thanks there, Lori,
but Artie already
tried to cheer me up
with a hardcore
pornographic video.
Yeah, he didn't tell me
it was just him.
Some kind of practical joke,
yeah?
I almost gouged
my eyes out anyway.
No, this isn't porn.
It's...
Now, just watch.
I meant panties.
Anyway, you suck.
I mean, I suck.
Okay, I was wrong.
You just...
You shouldn't have
been gambling.
And I know
I came down
way too hard on you,
but I was just upset
because I was hurt.
And, okay,
I overreacted.
Oh, God,
I don't want to do
this tape thing anymore.
I mean,
just turn it off.
Turn it off.
Hey!
Hey, why don't we all
try on each other's clothes?
Oh!
So?
She obviously feels bad,
so get in there
and apologize to her.
This is great, Lori.
You're a good friend
and a huge drunk.
Hey, Shelly.
Hey, Norm.
Reunited
and it feels so good.
Reunited
and it's understood.
Understood.
Hey, listen, Shelly,
you know,
about that football pool,
I know I was wrong
about it.
I shouldn't have been gambling
and I didn't mean
to hurt you or anything,
but I want you to know
that I donated
all the winnings
to charity.
It's not your money.
It belongs to the people
who make the bets.
Well,
that should teach them
a lesson, too.
Gambling is no good.
Look,
I shouldn't have gotten
so upset,
but something good
did come out of this.
I'm not your probation
officer anymore.
Yeah, right.
That's great.
So we can date now, right?
Well, no, not now.
I'm still working,
but I am going to take
a five-minute break
in the counseling room.
Care to join me?
Uh-huh.
But, um,
listen, um,
I ought to warn you.
You better be good
because your new
probation officer
is going to bust your chops.
Oh, yeah?
Is she as pretty as you?
Well, uh,
she will be
as soon as they're done
fashioning her penis
into a vulva.
How much does
something like that cost?
Hey, Norm, buddy,
I heard you were
feeling a little down,
so this one's for you, pal.
Oh, that much means
a pizza girl,
but I got no money
to pay her.
What am I going to do?
Oh!
I'm from Nebraska.
I just got off the bus.
Thank you.

Episode 15   Norm and Shelley in Love 1999 10 20

Hi, tonight I'd like to explain the rating systems using human props.
Now, TVG means that little Riley here can watch the show whenever she wants.
TVPG means that Kevin might want to have some adult supervision.
TV14 means that Eric, who's only 13, has to wait a year to watch the show.
Tough luck there, buddy.
And TVMA means that Bert can pretty well watch whatever he wants.
I like women's.
You're a charming fellow, Bert.
Enjoy the show.
Norm, I'm your probation officer.
You're not supposed to pick me up in a handsome cab.
Oh, I think what you're trying to say is, you're not supposed to pick me up in
a cab handsome.
All right, let's just get on with it.
You were busted for gambling.
You haven't done any gambling lately, have you?
Oh, no, no, of course not.
No, I take the terms of my probation very seriously.
Champagne?
No, I usually don't drink during our meetings.
I prefer to drink immediately afterwards.
Oh, my goodness.
Somebody left a romantic dinner for two here in the cab.
Boy, whoever set up this must have been one romantic dude, right?
That dude was me.
Driver, stop.
Uh, let me out here.
Norm, this was very flattering in a Travis Bickle sort of way.
Like, we can't date.
From now on, we'll just have our meetings at the office.
It's not a date.
It's not a date.
It's not a date for the last time.
It's not a...
Well, at least take your lobster to go.
Say, my man.
You still want to go through with this?
Yeah, sure.
What the hell?
You'll never find another love like mine
Someone who loves you like I do, baby
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad, too bad
Too bad, too bad
Too bad, too bad
Too bad
Hey, Norm.
Here are my, uh, picks.
I got a new system this week.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, I guess your, uh, system last week
the most homoerotic mascots that didn't work out for you.
What's going on here?
You know, all morning long
I've seen people coming up to you
handing you money, Norm.
Oh, uh, yes, sir.
We're taking up a collection to get you a chin.
I may be, uh, I may be small chin
but, uh, I happen to have been blessed elsewhere.
Nobody wants to hear that, sir.
Listen.
I know what you're doing.
You're running a football pool.
Uh, no, of course not, sir.
That would be gambling.
That would be a violation of my probation.
Now, uh, Danny.
Danny is running the football pool.
Yeah, that's right, sir.
But don't be too hard on him, sir.
Do you know that studies show
that, uh, activities such as the office pool
can actually increase productivity
and boost morale?
Oh, really?
No, I just tricked you by saying studies show.
People always believe that.
Studies show.
You can do that, sir.
That's my gift to you study show.
Danny.
Danny, you know, I'm hurt
that you've excluded me
from this great fraternal activity.
Uh, you actually want to play?
Well, I'd make it as a surprise to you
but I happen to be very much of a guy's guy.
Uh, uh, man's man.
Um, hombre macho.
Okay, uh, all right.
Uh, fill this out
and bring it back with, uh, five bucks.
Okay.
Oh, look at it.
It's American football.
That really, no, it's really,
that makes it really interesting.
So, how does this dating service work?
So, you pick the guy
that you like by his picture
and then the service
sends you in his video.
So, see, like, see,
I put smiley faces
by the guys that I like
and then I put, like,
frowny faces by the guys
who shave their hair
into pentagrams.
Hey, guys, listen,
you gotta help me out out there.
Shelly, uh, won't go out with me
and I've, uh, tried
every trick in the book.
Oh, forget the tricks.
Norm, I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.
You know what women really like?
Macaroni and cheese.
Well, some, yeah,
but in general,
women really like to be listened to.
Laurie's right, Norm.
If you would stop pushing so hard,
just listen to her for a minute,
she'd realize you're interested
in her as a person.
I know.
The thing is that
I can't listen to people
because I spend all my time
when people are talking
thinking of my next thing to say.
Now, if I had to start
listening to the person,
I'd have no idea what to say
when that person stopped talking.
Trust us.
It'll work.
Okay, I'll try it.
And it's very rewarding work.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Some days are hard.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
But the good days...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
...make up for it.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And that's the way...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
...I like it.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
That's the way...
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
...I like it.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna take my coat
and my purse
and leave, uh, 20,
just in case
we never see each other again.
Hmm, this is good.
I haven't had lemonade
in a long time.
No lemonade in a long time.
Fascinating.
You can really weave a tail there.
So, uh, go on.
Um, what were we talking about before?
Oh, uh, well,
you said that you had lost
a button on your coat.
And then I said,
interesting.
And then you said,
I haven't had lemonade
in a long time.
And then I said,
fascinating.
And then you said,
I can't remember
what we were talking about.
And then I said,
you said,
you lost a button on your coat.
I know what you're doing.
And I can't go out with you.
I shouldn't have even met you
here in the first place.
The air conditioning in your office
probably isn't even broken,
is it?
Yeah, I broke it.
You're a great guy,
but sometimes what we want
isn't what we need.
We think we need
what we want,
but the one
isn't really a need.
We only feel it
for want of knowing
what those needs are.
You're not gonna get rid of me
by pretending you're a moron.
Let's go back to the office.
Okay, come on.
This is stupid.
Listen, I like you
and I know you like me,
so come on.
Norm,
don't do this.
What?
I'm not going
until you tell me
you don't like me.
Cut it out.
Just seriously,
look me in the eye,
tell me you don't like me,
and then I will
leave you alone forever.
Fine.
I don't like you.
Hey, Norm.
And that's how
a cotton gin works.
Joey, Joey.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Anderson, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Sid, we've got to talk here.
We've got to talk
about your expense report.
Oh, yeah, don't worry
about that, sir.
I'm not good with decimals.
If it says $1,000,
give me 10 bucks.
I'll be fine.
No, no, no.
I'm a winner.
I'm a winner.
I'm a winner.
I won.
I won, Norm.
I won the football pool.
Where's Danny?
Oh, I'm handling
the payouts this week, sir.
Here you go, sir.
Here's your winnings.
$5.
Five?
Five, six, five dollars.
Why so little?
Oh, well, sir,
I was just assuming
that like all the other winners,
you would want to donate
your money to charity.
Yeah.
You're supporting
a child in Africa.
What child?
Well, I'll show you.
I got a picture of him here.
Here you go, sir.
Look at that.
Let me see that.
Well, no,
you don't want to see that.
It's a gruesome picture, sir.
It's a child
in the last stages
of starvingness.
It's a baseball card.
No, it's not, sir.
Well, that's a third-world child
who just happens
to be wearing
a Yankees outfit now.
It's Joe Torre.
Oh, my God.
Right.
You're right, sir.
We've been scammed.
This is ridiculous.
I can't believe
a major league manager
would stoop
to something like this.
Oh, I'm gonna, you know.
Give me my money.
Give me my money.
Your money.
All right, sir.
But if Joe Torre starves to death,
it's on your head
there, pal.
Oh, hey, uh, Shelley.
Uh, Norm.
Uh, listen, uh, earlier,
you know, in the, uh,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I, uh...
Um, you know, the, uh,
when we...
Yeah, yeah, I was thinking...
... came out of kiss?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, uh, maybe, uh,
you know, if we, like, dated...
Dating?
Yeah.
That would be good.
Uh, you know,
and also after, you know,
we, uh...
What?
Dated, we could, you know,
we could...
What?
Well, you know,
we could, you know,
talk in, uh,
complete sentences,
you know?
I'd like that.
But, uh, Norm,
Norm, um,
listen, uh,
I could get fired
if anybody finds out
about this, so, uh...
Oh, look!
Uh, there's a new stapler
over there I see.
Oh, yeah,
That's a great one.
It's one of those black ones.
So we can't date
until I get you
a new probation officer,
okay?
Well, that's gonna
drive me crazy.
That's one kiss
and then nothing?
That's, that's like
giving a starving man
a little scrap of food
and then not having
sex with him.
That's...
I'm sorry,
but we have no choice, Norm.
I gotta come.
Well, wait, wait.
I have an idea.
What if, uh,
I kissed the desk here
and then I walked away
and then you came
and you kissed the desk
as well?
Um, sorry.
I'm not gonna get into
a three-way with furniture.
Hey, Norm,
here's my $5
and my picks
for next week's football pool.
I'm going with teams
with the fewest drug addicts.
Football pool?
Huh?
Are you gambling?
Oh, well,
I think I can,
I can answer
that question best
with a deep kiss.
Norm,
you're on probation.
You're not supposed
to be gambling.
I knew that's how
you'd react.
That's why I didn't tell you.
But, uh,
you know,
a football pool
isn't really gambling.
It's more like a lobby,
you know,
except, you know,
people don't pay
with their welfare checks.
That's...
Let's see,
all the time
you were trying
to get me
to go out with you,
you were breaking
your probation.
Norm,
I trusted you
and you lied to me.
Come on,
I think you're
overreacting there.
No, no.
I'm not overreacting.
I am your probation officer
and this is right
in front of my face.
Enough of your
girly hysterics there.
Let's see.
Okay.
I'm gonna have
to punish you.
You're not gonna...
You're not gonna punish me.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
Some little lady
is angling
for some flowers.
I get it.
You need to go
to the bathroom
over here, boss.
You need to go
when I say
you need to go.
Ridiculous
making grown men
do this.
Degrading.
Yeah.
Hey, look.
I have a food cup.
So?
Sounds like
Shelly's really mad
at you.
No, it's just
one of those power plays
at the start
of every relationship.
Like when you stabbed
your girlfriend.
I gotta tell you,
I was way out of line
on that one.
Hey, Lori,
what are you doing here?
I brought you some lunch.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah.
Me and some of the fellas
were gonna go out
for crepes,
but this is nice.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm great.
Getting a lot of exercise
there, meeting new friends.
Look, I even got a stick
with a nail on the end.
Here, Shelly asked me
to give you the name
and number
of your new probation officer.
New probation officer?
So she's not
my probation officer anymore.
That means we can date.
No, not exactly.
No, I think you guys
are pretty much broken up.
She said she never
wanted to see you again.
Oh, you know why
she's doing this?
It's because she feels
guilty about kissing me.
You deceived her.
You broke the rules
of your probation
and you put her job
in jeopardy.
That sounds bad
until you realize
that that character
over there
stabbed his girlfriends.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I really feel
that you are due
for a great guy.
A dream date.
Another dud.
I hate this game.
Oh, I forget.
Is it two sips
for a dud
or two sips
for a dream date?
Oh, is that how
we're doing it?
I've just been
drinking steadily.
Well, whatever.
I sure hope Taylor
hurries up
and gets here
with that pizza.
Yeah, because besides
being lonely and bitter,
I want to be fat, too.
Damn!
He looks just like Norm.
Did not tell you
to leave me alone.
Taylor!
Taylor!
Taylor!
What happened here?
You guys are drunk.
So it's working.
We're playing
mystery game.
You want to play?
Sure.
I got a dream date.
Look at her.
Even the game knows.
It's not that easy
for me, either.
I'm swearing off men
until I get my life together.
I'm not having sex
for at least six months.
Yeah, I'm probably
not going to have sex
for about six months, either.
Not necessarily by choice,
but...
And you know what?
I'm okay with that.
Come on, Lori.
Come on, Lori.
Come on, Lori.
Gee, gee, gee.
A classy lady like you,
it's hard to believe
you can't find a guy.
The dating services suck
because the videos
they make stink
and t