Name: Episode 16 Laurie Runs for Office 1999 10 27
Uploaded: 2022-05-23T05:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 16 Laurie Runs for Office 1999 10 27' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-23. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 16 Laurie Runs for Office 1999 10 27' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-23. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

This is this week's rating.
But we'd really like to help youngsters enjoy our show,
so we've put together this cleaned-up, kiddie version
of tonight's episode.
Enjoy.
Hello, Lori. I brought this apple for you.
Thank you, Norm. It looks delicious.
Don't eat it too fast, or you'll get a tummy ache.
That sucked.
Well, now you know why we put the dirty stuff in.
Thank you, and enjoy the show.
Everybody's gone to lunch. Come on, let's go have sex
in the counseling room.
Oh, come on, Norm. I don't know. In the office?
Yeah, absolutely in the office.
You know, half the fun is the fear of getting caught, you know?
That way, if the sex is no good,
at least we got that fear of getting caught.
You want a little something in public, huh?
Exactly. Precisely.
Okay, I could kiss that bruise on your forehead.
What bruise?
That one.
Ouch.
Oh, yeah.
You know something else I just remembered there?
I was eating some Count Choccal this morning.
I think I'm here to bruise my tongue.
Ew, Mom and Dad are doing it again.
Okay, everybody, this is it.
Councilman Krantz is on his way up.
Lori, we have a huge problem.
Yes, I know we do.
Can someone open a window, please?
Smells like wet old people and spoiled milk.
Sir, are you lactating again?
I'm not in the mood, sir.
I am not in the mood.
Listen, Lori, your councilman's just arrived.
He's downstairs now.
He's clogging up the lobby with his mongrel horde of cameras.
You never said there were going to be cameras.
Lori, I hate cameras.
I can't believe that, sir.
With an ass like that, you must have...
One of these days, I'm going to punch you so hard.
Sir, I told you they were going to be shooting some footage for a campaign
commercial.
It's the only way I could get him up here, you know, so I could pitch him my
job skills program.
Look, helping people is all well and good, but I told you I don't want any undue
attention paid to my office.
That's the way people get fired.
Well, you're quite an inspiration, sir.
Normally, one would have to travel back to Vichy, France to find a man of your
integrity.
You know, you're lucky you're not a man, Lori Freeman.
I mean, in general, lucky that you're not a man, because we're expected to be
so brave.
Councilman Krantz!
So these are the trenches where the good fight is fought.
Councilman, hello.
My name is Lori Freeman.
I can't tell you what an honor it is to have you here.
Thank you, Lori.
You know, it's people like you who make this city work.
Well.
Thank you, Lori.
You know, it's people like you who make this city hum.
Let's go to number two.
Number one sounded rehearsed.
Hello, how are you?
But, Councilman, Councilman Krantz, I've spoken to your office quite a few
times about my, uh,
computer training program for welfare mothers.
Absolutely.
Welfare mothers are part of the team that will build the bridge into the 21st
century.
And I hope we can build the rest of that bridge with, with other kinds of, uh,
poor people.
Uh, well, Councilman, I really could use an answer on my proposal.
Well, um, Lori, I've, I've read your proposal carefully, and, uh, and I
definitely don't think there's any way in hell we can do that.
Why?
Why not?
Thank you.
You're wonderful, Lori.
Oh, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
What is he doing?
Oh, it doesn't matter what he says.
This is just footage to play beneath, uh, Tony Curtis' voiceover.
Ha, ha, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, so it won't matter, then, if I call him a horse's ass?
Oh.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Oh, well, what if I, uh, what if I were to do this?
Sir, we have got to get a move on.
We've got tap-dancing seniors on the 14th floor.
Cute as hell, sir.
Let's get up there before God takes them.
Man, what a jerk.
I can't believe he's running unopposed.
Oh, and somebody really ought to get in there and kick his butt.
Well, why don't you do it?
Me?
Oh, what?
What?
You guys think that I'm city council material?
Oh, absolutely.
Bloss, it'll take your mind off the fact that you can't find a man.
That didn't come out right.
You could do it, Laura.
You know, you're a union rep.
You know the ins and outs.
I bet you'd win.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know anything about politics,
but I-- maybe if I had somebody really smart running my campaign, like Danny.
Danny?
Danny's a big, dumb loser.
Hang on, man.
You're a great guy.
I would love to be your campaign manager, Laurie.
Thank you.
And Norm, well, you could be my campaign strategist.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, strategist.
Laurie, I've got a little bit of inside dirt that might come in handy.
See, I recognize Councilman Krantz from the massage parlor.
Krantz used to be a prostitute.
This is huge.
Norm, I want this campaign run purely on the issues, all right?
No dirty tricks.
All right, all right.
Hey, I got a campaign slogan for you.
Huh?
Yeah, get this.
Laurie Freeman, King of Beers.
Huh? No, you're right.
It's too, uh, too blue color.
How about this?
Laurie Freeman, The Taste That Made Milwaukee Famous.
Perfect, right?
Yeah, I already got it.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad.
Hey, look, I made a little sandwich board.
A wiener dog can help us campaign.
Oh, Taylor.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, Laurie, you're on the news.
And in the third district,
Councilman Warren Krantz had this to say
about challenger Laurie Freeman.
I'm sure Ms. Freeman is a fine social worker.
But aside from her lack of qualifications,
I might point out that Ms. Freeman is of a certain age
and has never been married.
I'm not unlike Ellen DeGeneres and Martina Navratilova.
Oh, my God. He just called me a lesbian.
Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian?
How dare he!
Lesbians are a vital part of this community, dammit!
I told that guy not to cut my hair so short.
Hey, don't worry about it, Laurie.
Tomorrow night at that debate, you're gonna kick that guy's butt.
Right, right, Norm, thanks.
Yeah, absolutely.
The campaign's in flames.
Come on.
Councilman Krantz is gonna tear her apart tomorrow.
She doesn't even know it, the poor sap.
You know, this is what we gotta do.
He likes hookers, right?
So this is what we do.
We pay a hooker, we set him up.
All right, that way, we catch him with his pants down, you know?
And his underpants, you know what I mean?
Down around his ankles, you know what I'm talking about?
You have any idea what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm saying?
Look, it sounds good, but listen.
If Laurie finds out, she'll kill us both.
So from now on, we should discuss everything in code
and use code names.
Okay, great.
You be, uh, big fat guy.
Great, and you be gay sweatsuit.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing?
Oh, uh, nothing.
We're just, uh, working on a campaign jingle.
You, oh, really?
Oh, can I hear it?
Uh, well, uh, Artie wrote the words.
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, Norm sings it way better.
Well, guys, why don't you both sing it?
All right, uh...
Uh, when you go vote.
Vote for, uh, you-know-who.
Lori Freeman!
It's pretty good.
I just want to start by saying that, uh, we have nothing but the highest
respect for your profession.
As a matter of fact, I have Pretty Woman on DVD.
Actually, that's the film that inspired me to quit law school and jump into
this fairy-tale life.
Look, I ain't got all day.
I've got three clients this afternoon, and I gotta pick up my kids from Hebrew
school by five.
So, what's all this about Councilman Kranz?
Yeah, yeah.
We want you to have sex with him and videotape it.
That way we can destroy him politically.
And, uh, I'm prepared to up my original offer of $100 to, uh, $105.
As a matter of fact, sweetheart, make it $106.
I got a better idea.
You see this?
I got the whole conversation on tape.
Hey, great idea, because I was going to take notes, but I forgot to bring a pen.
And here she's blackmailing us.
See, when I told Councilman Kranz that she wanted to set him up, he offered me
$10,000 to make this tape.
But you can buy it for $11.
Oh, really?
And, uh, what's to prevent me from taking that tape from you right now?
Joe.
What I meant to say is, uh, what's to prevent Artie from taking that tape from
you right now?
Come on, what's it going to be, guys?
$11,000 or this tape goes to the press?
Uh, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give you $50 a week, every week, for a period of, uh, two weeks.
Goodbye, fellas.
Oh, my God, this is horrible.
You know what we just did?
We wrecked Lori's campaign.
Man, she's going to kill me.
You know, whatever happened to the neighborhood hooker we all grew up with?
You know, the one you could trust?
The one that knew your father's name when shopping with your mom taught you to
read?
Damn it, this world's going to hell in a handbasket!
Norm, Norm, listen.
I got every paper between here and Lori's subway stop.
There's no way she'll ever see that article about us and the hooker.
Idiot, I told you to throw them in the garbage.
What do you bring them here for?
Page 34.
There's a Blimpies coupon.
Blimpies coupon?
Here, take these and get out of here before Lori shows up.
No, no, no.
No need to run.
I already got a copy of the paper.
Hey, are you going to use your Blimpies coupon?
No, you can have it.
Thanks.
Damn it, Norm.
I trusted you.
You screwed my campaign.
You made me look bad.
You did exactly what I told you not to do.
Yeah, well, Krantz is a bad guy.
But that doesn't matter.
See, even if he's a horrible guy, it's not right to destroy a man's life.
Uh, Lori, you know, you're just upset because it didn't work, you know?
Let's pretend that it all worked out.
Then you'd be ahead in the polls.
You'd be happy.
No, I wouldn't be.
Well, then let's pretend something else.
Let's pretend that, uh, I gave you a kidney and saved your life.
What?
That's right.
Yeah.
Now, let's revisit that whole Krantz thing.
But keep in mind, I saved your life with that kidney.
Norm, the man has a wife and children.
And what you did is just totally immoral.
You know, there's a lot of people that are way more moral than you
and would disagree with you.
Good.
Show me one.
Yeah, I will.
I'm going to find one.
Looks like you could use a little support right about now, eh, Norm?
Well, you're not going to get it from me.
You're morally corrupt, Norm, and you're going to go straight to hell.
And your soul, your soul is going to bubble and rock there
while the devil poke, poke, pokes at you with his pitchfork of pain.
Hey, cut it out.
What, you're going to cry now, are you?
You big baby.
Are you going to cry?
No, sir.
Are you crying?
No.
Are you in there, Father?
Enter, my son.
You have to go in the other side.
What?
Why?
So you don't know who I am.
A little late for that, isn't it?
I'm staring right at your face.
Other side.
Yeah, fine.
All right.
Well, let me start, Father, by confessing that I think I just groped a priest.
How long has it been since your last confession, my son?
Oh, well, actually, this is my first time there, Father.
Here's the deal.
You see, what I did is I tried to frame this dude that's a bad politician so
that my friend,
who's good, could get elected.
And you want to know what kind of sin this is?
No, no.
I just want you to tell me that it's okay.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
You see, the ends never justify the means.
Hey, hey, now come on there, Father.
Sometimes the ends justify the means, you know?
I mean, what about if you rob a bank at gunpoint, but then you give half the
money to charity?
Why is that right?
That is not right.
That's horribly wrong.
Ah, you're all over the map there, Padre.
What about you want to sleep with a woman so you tell her you're an astronaut?
But that's wrong.
Come on, now.
Are you telling me that you've never told a woman you're an astronaut to get to...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I think you're morally corrupt.
I have a feeling that you've never had any religious upbringing at all.
Oh, well, that's where you're wrong, Father.
When my father was very strict, he would take me to church every week.
But it was a lot different than this.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, the coolest part of it was when one of the roosters would kill another
one of the roosters.
That was not a church, young man.
That was a cockfight.
All right, easy does it, Padre.
Now you don't see me taking cheap shots at your faith.
Hey, Laurie, how you holding up?
Well, my poll numbers have stopped dropping since I fired Norm and Artie,
but now I've really got to concentrate on that debate.
You want to help me practice?
I'll take a position and just argue against me.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, here we go.
Uh, I firmly believe that guns must be kept away from our kids and out of our
schools.
I disagree.
I think there should be guns in every classroom and in the hands of every
student.
Because I believe in death.
Okay.
Uh, I also feel that we should distribute condoms in our schools.
That's a stupid idea.
If little girls don't get pregnant, how are they ever going to learn
responsibility?
I believe that we should have free inoculations for all children and seniors.
I firmly believe that her side tried to frame me with a hooker.
What?
What are you doing?
I'm being Kranz.
Plus, she might be a lesbian.
Oh, well, yeah.
Okay.
That's enough.
Okay.
Okay.
More bad news.
What?
Just heard a rumor that Kranz dug up some new dirt about your past.
Okay?
So what we have to do is figure out what it is so you can admit it before he
can use it.
Oh, my God.
What?
What?
Oh, Danny.
My, oh.
There was a short time back in 1979 when I was a communist.
Communist in 1979?
You might as well have been a Tory or a Whig.
I was in college and there was this guy that was a communist and he had a
really cute butt.
And, and he had a dune buggy.
Okay, 30 seconds, everybody.
Laurie.
Oh, hi.
What are you doing here?
Listen, I was wrong.
I went to all these holy men, tried to get them to agree with me, you know,
about what I did,
but none of them were there.
I thought I had this one Buddhist monk on my side.
I turned out he was just a bald Asian guy in a bathrobe.
All right, we have time to deal with this right now, Norm.
In any way, I, I, I shouldn't even be seen with you, so.
Welcome.
Tonight, a debate between the candidates for city council, Laurie Freeman, and
the incumbent, Warren Krantz.
Miss Freeman will make her opening statement first.
I would like to begin by saying that in regards to the recent scandal, I take
full responsibility.
However, I had no prior knowledge of the actions taken by my former campaign
strategist and his fat half-brother.
Oh, and also, I was a communist for a little part of a summer.
Councilman Krantz.
Well, Ms. Freeman, I'm glad you were only an enemy of this country for part of
one summer.
But there are other things I've learned about you that bother me more.
For example, drug trafficking.
That is completely untrue.
Is it, Ms. Freeman?
Then how do you explain this?
A photo of you, Laurie Freeman, on an Oregon marijuana farm riding topless on a
tractor.
Cousoms exposed, frolicking in the fields of marijuana.
No, now that is not marijuana.
That was hemp.
See, we were making rope, and we never smoked it.
We would just burn whatever was left in a big bonfire every Friday night and
dance around in our underwear
until we all got hungry and spend the rest of the night at Bob's Big Boy.
It's clear you have no place in this election, Ms. Freeman.
Maybe you should ride your nudie pot farm tractor back to Russia and peddle
your commie wares there.
I...
Go New York Knicks!
Well, Ms. Freeman's surprisingly brief rebuttal allows us a little extra time
for a break,
so we'll be back right after this.
He's the horrible man.
Laurie, listen, if you want me to go after my will, you just tell me.
I don't know what to do, Norm.
He's just a bad man.
But see, then, I'm a hypocrite if I let you attack him.
Yeah.
Well, you shouldn't have to decide, you know.
Well, let's let God decide.
Uh, bow your head in prayer there, Laurie.
Uh, dear God, uh, listen, uh, there's this bad man that, uh, I want to destroy.
But, uh, if you want me to resist the temptation and stay on the path of
righteousness,
then, uh, just give me a sign, any sign.
No, sir.
Come on!
Next week on Norm.
Laurie's 20 points behind in the polls.
Now, what we got to do is get a videotape of Councilman Krantz kicking this
adorable little doggie here.
Oh, that's it?
You just cut his mics off?
Just watch.
Watch.
Can you hear me?
Okay, bye.
Love you.
See ya.
Yeah.
Seems like, uh, things are moving along, huh?
What are you talking about?
Well, you just told Shelly you love her.
What?
I did?
She's gonna want a commitment.
So she'll say something like, I'm tired of the city.
It's dirty.
I need a change.
I realized I'm getting tired of the city.
And she'll say, you don't need a change.
Stay.
And she'll say, there's nothing here for me.
Then you'll go, well, what about me?
It's not that I'm not happy.
It's just that sometimes I look around me and I wonder, what's here for me?

Episode 16   Laurie Runs for Office 1999 10 27

This is this week's rating.
But we'd really like to help youngsters enjoy our show,
so we've put together this cleaned-up, kiddie version
of tonight's episode.
Enjoy.
Hello, Lori. I brought this apple for you.
Thank you, Norm. It looks delicious.
Don't eat it too fast, or you'll get a tummy ache.
That sucked.
Well, now you know why we put the dirty stuff in.
Thank you, and enjoy the show.
Everybody's gone to lunch. Come on, let's go have sex
in the counseling room.
Oh, come on, Norm. I don't know. In the office?
Yeah, absolutely in the office.
You know, half the fun is the fear of getting caught, you know?
That way, if the sex is no good,
at least we got that fear of getting caught.
You want a little something in public, huh?
Exactly. Precisely.
Okay, I could kiss that bruise on your forehead.
What bruise?
That one.
Ouch.
Oh, yeah.
You know something else I just remembered there?
I was eating some Count Choccal this morning.
I think I'm here to bruise my tongue.
Ew, Mom and Dad are doing it again.
Okay, everybody, this is it.
Councilman Krantz is on his way up.
Lori, we have a huge problem.
Yes, I know we do.
Can someone open a window, please?
Smells like wet old people and spoiled milk.
Sir, are you lactating again?
I'm not in the mood, sir.
I am not in the mood.
Listen, Lori, your councilman's just arrived.
He's downstairs now.
He's clogging up the lobby with his mongrel horde of cameras.
You never said there were going to be cameras.
Lori, I hate cameras.
I can't believe that, sir.
With an ass like that, you must have...
One of these days, I'm going to punch you so hard.
Sir, I told you they were going to be shooting some footage for a campaign
commercial.
It's the only way I could get him up here, you know, so I could pitch him my
job skills program.
Look, helping people is all well and good, but I told you I don't want any undue
attention paid to my office.
That's the way people get fired.
Well, you're quite an inspiration, sir.
Normally, one would have to travel back to Vichy, France to find a man of your
integrity.
You know, you're lucky you're not a man, Lori Freeman.
I mean, in general, lucky that you're not a man, because we're expected to be
so brave.
Councilman Krantz!
So these are the trenches where the good fight is fought.
Councilman, hello.
My name is Lori Freeman.
I can't tell you what an honor it is to have you here.
Thank you, Lori.
You know, it's people like you who make this city work.
Well.
Thank you, Lori.
You know, it's people like you who make this city hum.
Let's go to number two.
Number one sounded rehearsed.
Hello, how are you?
But, Councilman, Councilman Krantz, I've spoken to your office quite a few
times about my, uh,
computer training program for welfare mothers.
Absolutely.
Welfare mothers are part of the team that will build the bridge into the 21st
century.
And I hope we can build the rest of that bridge with, with other kinds of, uh,
poor people.
Uh, well, Councilman, I really could use an answer on my proposal.
Well, um, Lori, I've, I've read your proposal carefully, and, uh, and I
definitely don't think there's any way in hell we can do that.
Why?
Why not?
Thank you.
You're wonderful, Lori.
Oh, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
What is he doing?
Oh, it doesn't matter what he says.
This is just footage to play beneath, uh, Tony Curtis' voiceover.
Ha, ha, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, so it won't matter, then, if I call him a horse's ass?
Oh.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Oh, well, what if I, uh, what if I were to do this?
Sir, we have got to get a move on.
We've got tap-dancing seniors on the 14th floor.
Cute as hell, sir.
Let's get up there before God takes them.
Man, what a jerk.
I can't believe he's running unopposed.
Oh, and somebody really ought to get in there and kick his butt.
Well, why don't you do it?
Me?
Oh, what?
What?
You guys think that I'm city council material?
Oh, absolutely.
Bloss, it'll take your mind off the fact that you can't find a man.
That didn't come out right.
You could do it, Laura.
You know, you're a union rep.
You know the ins and outs.
I bet you'd win.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know anything about politics,
but I-- maybe if I had somebody really smart running my campaign, like Danny.
Danny?
Danny's a big, dumb loser.
Hang on, man.
You're a great guy.
I would love to be your campaign manager, Laurie.
Thank you.
And Norm, well, you could be my campaign strategist.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, strategist.
Laurie, I've got a little bit of inside dirt that might come in handy.
See, I recognize Councilman Krantz from the massage parlor.
Krantz used to be a prostitute.
This is huge.
Norm, I want this campaign run purely on the issues, all right?
No dirty tricks.
All right, all right.
Hey, I got a campaign slogan for you.
Huh?
Yeah, get this.
Laurie Freeman, King of Beers.
Huh? No, you're right.
It's too, uh, too blue color.
How about this?
Laurie Freeman, The Taste That Made Milwaukee Famous.
Perfect, right?
Yeah, I already got it.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad.
Hey, look, I made a little sandwich board.
A wiener dog can help us campaign.
Oh, Taylor.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, Laurie, you're on the news.
And in the third district,
Councilman Warren Krantz had this to say
about challenger Laurie Freeman.
I'm sure Ms. Freeman is a fine social worker.
But aside from her lack of qualifications,
I might point out that Ms. Freeman is of a certain age
and has never been married.
I'm not unlike Ellen DeGeneres and Martina Navratilova.
Oh, my God. He just called me a lesbian.
Ellen DeGeneres is a lesbian?
How dare he!
Lesbians are a vital part of this community, dammit!
I told that guy not to cut my hair so short.
Hey, don't worry about it, Laurie.
Tomorrow night at that debate, you're gonna kick that guy's butt.
Right, right, Norm, thanks.
Yeah, absolutely.
The campaign's in flames.
Come on.
Councilman Krantz is gonna tear her apart tomorrow.
She doesn't even know it, the poor sap.
You know, this is what we gotta do.
He likes hookers, right?
So this is what we do.
We pay a hooker, we set him up.
All right, that way, we catch him with his pants down, you know?
And his underpants, you know what I mean?
Down around his ankles, you know what I'm talking about?
You have any idea what I'm talking about?
You know what I'm saying?
Look, it sounds good, but listen.
If Laurie finds out, she'll kill us both.
So from now on, we should discuss everything in code
and use code names.
Okay, great.
You be, uh, big fat guy.
Great, and you be gay sweatsuit.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing?
Oh, uh, nothing.
We're just, uh, working on a campaign jingle.
You, oh, really?
Oh, can I hear it?
Uh, well, uh, Artie wrote the words.
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, Norm sings it way better.
Well, guys, why don't you both sing it?
All right, uh...
Uh, when you go vote.
Vote for, uh, you-know-who.
Lori Freeman!
It's pretty good.
I just want to start by saying that, uh, we have nothing but the highest
respect for your profession.
As a matter of fact, I have Pretty Woman on DVD.
Actually, that's the film that inspired me to quit law school and jump into
this fairy-tale life.
Look, I ain't got all day.
I've got three clients this afternoon, and I gotta pick up my kids from Hebrew
school by five.
So, what's all this about Councilman Kranz?
Yeah, yeah.
We want you to have sex with him and videotape it.
That way we can destroy him politically.
And, uh, I'm prepared to up my original offer of $100 to, uh, $105.
As a matter of fact, sweetheart, make it $106.
I got a better idea.
You see this?
I got the whole conversation on tape.
Hey, great idea, because I was going to take notes, but I forgot to bring a pen.
And here she's blackmailing us.
See, when I told Councilman Kranz that she wanted to set him up, he offered me
$10,000 to make this tape.
But you can buy it for $11.
Oh, really?
And, uh, what's to prevent me from taking that tape from you right now?
Joe.
What I meant to say is, uh, what's to prevent Artie from taking that tape from
you right now?
Come on, what's it going to be, guys?
$11,000 or this tape goes to the press?
Uh, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give you $50 a week, every week, for a period of, uh, two weeks.
Goodbye, fellas.
Oh, my God, this is horrible.
You know what we just did?
We wrecked Lori's campaign.
Man, she's going to kill me.
You know, whatever happened to the neighborhood hooker we all grew up with?
You know, the one you could trust?
The one that knew your father's name when shopping with your mom taught you to
read?
Damn it, this world's going to hell in a handbasket!
Norm, Norm, listen.
I got every paper between here and Lori's subway stop.
There's no way she'll ever see that article about us and the hooker.
Idiot, I told you to throw them in the garbage.
What do you bring them here for?
Page 34.
There's a Blimpies coupon.
Blimpies coupon?
Here, take these and get out of here before Lori shows up.
No, no, no.
No need to run.
I already got a copy of the paper.
Hey, are you going to use your Blimpies coupon?
No, you can have it.
Thanks.
Damn it, Norm.
I trusted you.
You screwed my campaign.
You made me look bad.
You did exactly what I told you not to do.
Yeah, well, Krantz is a bad guy.
But that doesn't matter.
See, even if he's a horrible guy, it's not right to destroy a man's life.
Uh, Lori, you know, you're just upset because it didn't work, you know?
Let's pretend that it all worked out.
Then you'd be ahead in the polls.
You'd be happy.
No, I wouldn't be.
Well, then let's pretend something else.
Let's pretend that, uh, I gave you a kidney and saved your life.
What?
That's right.
Yeah.
Now, let's revisit that whole Krantz thing.
But keep in mind, I saved your life with that kidney.
Norm, the man has a wife and children.
And what you did is just totally immoral.
You know, there's a lot of people that are way more moral than you
and would disagree with you.
Good.
Show me one.
Yeah, I will.
I'm going to find one.
Looks like you could use a little support right about now, eh, Norm?
Well, you're not going to get it from me.
You're morally corrupt, Norm, and you're going to go straight to hell.
And your soul, your soul is going to bubble and rock there
while the devil poke, poke, pokes at you with his pitchfork of pain.
Hey, cut it out.
What, you're going to cry now, are you?
You big baby.
Are you going to cry?
No, sir.
Are you crying?
No.
Are you in there, Father?
Enter, my son.
You have to go in the other side.
What?
Why?
So you don't know who I am.
A little late for that, isn't it?
I'm staring right at your face.
Other side.
Yeah, fine.
All right.
Well, let me start, Father, by confessing that I think I just groped a priest.
How long has it been since your last confession, my son?
Oh, well, actually, this is my first time there, Father.
Here's the deal.
You see, what I did is I tried to frame this dude that's a bad politician so
that my friend,
who's good, could get elected.
And you want to know what kind of sin this is?
No, no.
I just want you to tell me that it's okay.
I'm sorry, I can't do that.
You see, the ends never justify the means.
Hey, hey, now come on there, Father.
Sometimes the ends justify the means, you know?
I mean, what about if you rob a bank at gunpoint, but then you give half the
money to charity?
Why is that right?
That is not right.
That's horribly wrong.
Ah, you're all over the map there, Padre.
What about you want to sleep with a woman so you tell her you're an astronaut?
But that's wrong.
Come on, now.
Are you telling me that you've never told a woman you're an astronaut to get to...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I think you're morally corrupt.
I have a feeling that you've never had any rel