Name: Episode 17 Norm and Shelley Break up 1999 11 03
Uploaded: 2022-05-24T05:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 17 Norm and Shelley Break up 1999 11 03' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-24. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 17 Norm and Shelley Break up 1999 11 03' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-24. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Hi, this is tonight's rating.
It says that the little one shouldn't watch tonight's episode,
and I happen to agree.
Here with a rebuttal is the devil.
It's a delightful show.
I recommend it highly for the whole family,
especially the teeny little babies.
You disgust me.
Give me your soul, and I will make you a huge,
huge hit.
All right.
Enjoy the show.
Okay, so Lori's 20 points behind in the polls.
Now, what we gotta do is get a videotape
of Councilman Krantz kicking this adorable little doggy.
You know, I don't see how this is gonna work.
Don't worry, it'll work, all right?
Now, the dog's trained to attack this scent.
All you have to do is spray it on Krantz's leg.
Good plan.
He won't suspect a thing.
I'll just pretend this is ordinary leg spray.
Put that stuff away.
You're driving the dark nuts.
Would you stop distracting him?
He's got work to do.
Get him out of my pants.
Come on, enough of this tomfoolery now.
Come on.
Well, there goes Krantz.
I hope you two are happy.
Ridiculous.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Morning.
Oh, Norm, you were supposed to be here two hours ago.
Where have you been?
Oh, yeah.
Shelly and I went on a romantic bike ride in the park.
Well, if you can call Norm sitting on my handlebars
while I pedal uphill romantic.
Boy, you run for city council
thinking you could make a difference
and all they do is nitpick about your past.
Twenty years ago, I drive one tractor
on one marijuana farm
with my top off.
You see this?
Krantz wants to shut down
half the social service offices
in the city of his re-elected...
I-I didn't hide for 25 years
in the bowels of the city bureaucracy
to lose my pension now.
Certainly one of the city's backed up.
You're hiding in the bowels.
Lori, I-I'm depending on you, you know.
You-you think you could beat this guy?
I did everything I could.
I even tried dirty tricks with Norm,
but they backfired.
Oh, Norm, Norm.
It's because Norm is an amateur.
It's time for the big dog to get off the porch.
Big dog, of course, is me.
What do you know about politics?
Well, you don't know anything about my past.
I wasn't always a middle-level functionary.
I-I once worked for a man
who won two national elections
in the political arena.
Who?
Jowly gentleman.
Prone to facial sweating.
Ginger from Gilligan's Island.
Sure.
You worked on Nixon's campaigns?
Well, I wasn't involved in the break-in,
but I-there was a time
I-I-I had to pistol-whip Spiro Agnew.
Come on, Lord.
You can't replace me with Denby.
The only dirty trick he knows
is how to make his privates disappear
by pushing him between his legs.
No, no, no, no.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
No. Stop it.
Norm, look, I'm sorry you screwed up,
but you've got to be replaced.
All right, fine.
I'll just have lunch with Shelly.
Oh, hey, Shelly, listen, man.
Once again, my inability to follow through
has left me free for a meal.
So, uh, why don't you come down, all right?
Okay, I'll see you in a minute.
Okay, bye. Love you. See ya.
Yeah.
Seems like, uh, things are moving along, huh?
What are you talking about?
Well, you just told Shelly you love her.
What? I did?
I didn't mean to do that.
Yeah, well, what-what's the big deal?
Haven't you ever said love you to anyone before?
No, I just said it once to Dan Marino.
He just won me $10,000.
Plus, I said it through the TV,
so I don't think he heard me.
Oh, my God, Shelly's coming up here.
I gotta figure out a way to fix this
so she doesn't get the wrong idea.
You know what I mean?
You ready to go?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Shelly, yeah, I'm ready to go.
Hey, uh, listen, Danny,
Shelly and I are going to lunch, huh?
Love you.
Love you, too, big guy.
Hey, Laurie, here, uh,
can you do this paperwork for me?
I love you.
I got another idea about the paperwork.
Why don't you file that in your large intestines?
Get it in there any which way you can.
Love you.
Boy, you just love everybody today, don't you?
Oh, no.
I-I just believe that, uh,
if everybody said the word love more often,
it would lose all its meaning.
Love you, Mr. Dan Beach.
Listen, if this is a part of some kind of a psychotic breakdown,
just leave me out of it.
Oh, no, sir, I do love you.
And, uh, and I'm not going to let you go
until you say you love me, sir.
For sake, would somebody please
blow off the back of his head?
Thank you, thank you.
Uh, next question, please.
You said you were going to do a dirty trick
during the press conference.
What's going on?
Just watch what Mr. Denby did.
Well, how-how long does this city
have to wait for a city council
that...
Oh, that's it?
You just cut his mics off?
Just watch, watch.
Can you hear me?
That's how we made Musky cry.
So you think, uh,
Shelly heard you say love you?
I don't think so,
because she's acting the same.
But, uh, just to be safe,
I told I love you to everybody.
The cab driver,
the-the-the doorman out front.
I even told this homeless guy
that ran up to me with a headless rat.
I said, I love you.
Hey, hey!
It's about time we had a guy's night out.
Yeah, I haven't had a guy's night out
in a really long time.
I really, really miss guy's night out.
You've never had a guy's night out, have you?
Not with other guys, no.
Hey.
Hey, Shelly.
Don't worry.
I'm meeting Lori here.
I'm not gonna interrupt your boys' night.
I'll be gone soon,
and you can braid each other's chest here.
That's not what we do.
Is it?
Norm, before I go,
I need your opinion.
I'm, uh, well,
thinking about doing some decorating
in your living room.
What?
Well, you know,
I just want to get you a reading lamp.
Is halogen okay?
I don't need a reading lamp
from my living room.
I don't have a toilet in there.
Okay, I'll just pick it out myself.
A lamp, huh?
Hey, why is she decorating your apartment?
Did you say something to her
to make her think, you know,
you were getting serious?
No, I don't think so.
Love you.
You better be talking to your beer.
No.
Norm said love you to Shelly.
Yeah, it just slipped out, you know.
It was like that time I said it to Dad.
How could you tell her you love her?
Have I taught you nothing?
Look, Artie,
I don't need your input, all right?
When your blow-up doll
gives you a lamp, we'll talk.
Hey, when my blow-up doll
brings me a lamp,
she's out of there.
Do you actually have a blow-up doll?
No.
Listen, man,
the lamp is just the beginning.
Next thing you know,
she's gonna start bringing
all this girly stuff
over your apartment, you know,
like doilies and curlers and salad.
Then you wake up one morning
and you got a cat.
Is that what you want, a cat?
No, I don't want a cat.
Then comes the ultimatum.
Ultimatum? What ultimatum?
Well, she's gonna want a commitment.
So she'll say something like,
I'm tired of the city,
it's dirty, I need a change, you know?
And you'll say,
you don't need a change, stay.
And she'll say,
there's nothing here for me.
Then you'll go,
well, what about me?
And three months later,
you're married,
hiding in the bathroom
with a fifth of vodka,
wondering if you could fire
a shotgun with your toe.
Yeah, don't take this
the wrong way, Artie,
but if I ever get married,
you know, I might ask somebody else
to do the toast.
Artie might have a point, though,
you know, I mean,
Shelly obviously heard you say love you,
so she's bringing over a lamp
because she thinks you're getting serious.
Yeah, yeah, but it was an accident.
You know, this is moving way too fast.
I gotta figure out some subtle way
to slow Shelly down.
This is perfect.
This is the last thing Shelly will see
before our retinas begin to smoke.
It's a little more light, so what?
So what?
I can see the bones through my hand.
Oh, my God.
It is coming from in here.
Oh, Shelly, good.
You brought your lamp.
Yeah, I didn't think
I needed more light in here,
but you did,
so why don't you show me
that dark spot you're concerned with?
Norm, you should have just told me
you didn't want the lamp.
I can understand that some people
don't like other people
decorating their houses.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I guess I wanted you to know
that I like things the way they are,
and that's the way it is.
Well, I wouldn't want
to force anything on you.
Do you mind if I use your bathroom?
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
Yeah, don't turn the light on,
or the city loses electricity
below 23rd Street.
You idiot.
She didn't mean anything by the lamp.
You got me all paranoid over nothing.
Now, come on.
You got to get out of here.
Come on, beat it.
Hey.
What am I supposed to do at my place?
All my lamps are over here.
Well, why don't you use the light
in your refrigerator?
It's not like that door's ever closed.
Bye, Artie.
Yeah, take it easy.
Hey, Shelly, listen, man.
I'm sorry.
I was crazy about all those lamps, man.
Don't worry about it.
Why don't we just relax here
and, uh, why don't I get
a little more romantic in here?
Hello, little lady.
Um, look, Norm,
there's something we need to talk about.
Yes?
See, the thing is,
I've been thinking about
where I am
and how things are going
and I realized
I'm getting tired of the city.
Oh, jeez,
I was afraid you'd get tired
of the city there.
It's so dirty, don't you think?
No, I don't.
Or maybe I do, you know?
I'm not sure.
I don't think I want to commit
to whether I think the city's dirty.
Can't we just live with the city
for a while,
see how it goes, you know?
Uh, well, see,
that's the thing.
I've got this job interview
in Colorado tomorrow
and it's not that I'm not happy.
It's just that sometimes
I look around me
and I wonder,
what's here for me?
Oh, you pose
an interesting question.
What's here for me?
Makes me sweat.
As most interesting questions do.
Well, it's just some stuff
to think about.
Yeah.
Um, I've got to go pack.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
I can't believe it,
wiener dog.
I already was right.
What am I gonna do now?
All right, all right,
take it easy.
I'm not gonna get a cat.
Since I've taken over your campaign,
your poll numbers
have improved dramatically.
Well, I appreciate all the work
that you guys have done,
but I have to say
that the storyboard
you sent me for the TV ad,
that's getting a little rough.
Rough?
Well, yeah,
I mean,
the part where I open up
Krantz's head
and eat his brains
with a spoon.
You don't, you don't,
you don't,
you don't eat his brains.
You spit them out.
His brains are full of corruption.
Right,
but you're not hearing me.
I have a problem
with the whole eating organs area.
No, you're not hearing me.
You don't eat the brains,
you spit them out,
and then perhaps,
perhaps you dance on them.
Can you dance?
If you can't dance,
it's all right,
because the dwarves I've got
are all great dancers.
You know what bothers me so much?
It's not that she gave me the ultimatum.
It's that she wasn't straight about it,
you know?
Nobody manipulates me
into making a decision,
except for that crafty temptress
from Sprint last week.
Hmm.
Well, we're here for you, Norm.
You'll see.
You're better off without her.
I mean, uh, yeah.
Look at this poor sap over here.
Chained in a relationship.
You know,
if some hot girl
were to walk in right now,
there's absolutely nothing
he could do about it.
Look at that.
Now he's got twice the trouble.
You know what?
I'm on the phone, Shelly.
You know,
she doesn't even know
how upset I am.
I'm gonna call her
in Colorado and tell her.
Oh, hey, you hear that?
Aqualung?
Yeah, that's Shelly and my son.
She let Aqualung
be your song?
Yeah.
Wow.
I never heard of a chick
letting Aqualung
be your song.
How did that happen?
Well, we were at
the demolition derby
and it was blaring
over the loudspeakers
and then she got
all liquored up,
she jumped over
onto the track
and she got me
one of them bumpers
as a souvenir.
Shelly did that?
Wow, you're a lucky man.
Yeah, that's the thing
about Shelly, you know,
is it looks like
she's real straight-laced
and everything on the outside,
but when she loosens up,
man, she's almost
as fun as a dude.
She likes Aqualung?
You know, maybe I said
love you to Shelly
because I do.
What, are you serious?
What am I doing, man?
I could spend the last
of my life with Shelly
or I could spend it here
sandwiched between
480 pounds of idiot.
And Danny.
Hey!
Oh, yeah.
Hey, is Laurie here yet?
Whoa!
What did you...
What did you do to the place?
Yeah, I womaned the place up.
Do you like it?
This isn't a trick
like when you told me
it'd be really funny
if I dressed up
like Liza Minnelli
for Halloween, is it?
No, no, no.
Don't tell anybody this,
but when Shelly comes tonight,
I'm going to ask her
to move in with me.
That's huge!
Have you ever lived
with a woman before?
No, no, no.
But when I started
thinking about it,
you know, about what
Shelly means to me
and everything,
I started to get all these,
you know, I want to say
emotions.
You ever have those emotions?
Hey, I think my Lucite
toilet seat
with the dried flowers
inside is going to be
a big hit with Shelly.
It's like taking
a dump in a meadow.
Oh, hey, Danny,
can you get the door
there, man?
Put it on the news.
My commercial's going
to be on in the first break.
Why is the TV on?
Excuse me.
My aromatherapy machine
is plugged into that outlet.
What'd you set it for?
Diapers and fish?
Okay, here we go.
This is it.
Here we go.
Coming up,
shocking and sad news
to report tonight.
City Councilman Warren Krantz
is dead
at the age of 56.
Oh, my God.
We'll be right back.
Hi, I'm Laurie Freeman,
and I believe it's time
to put Warren Krantz
and his big business agenda
where it belongs.
See you in hell,
Warren Krantz.
Paid for by the committee
to elect Laurie Freeman.
You're a good dancer.
I'm going to see
how much you have to drink
to go back in time.
Come on.
It wasn't that bad,
was it?
No.
Sir, you must feel
just horrible about this.
Yeah.
You think it'll be all right?
No.
Did I miss your commercial?
Oh.
Sir, I hope you're not going to blame me
for this.
You know,
my original concept
was you chewing
the brains
of a living man.
Hey, Norm.
Hi, Shelly.
Hey, listen,
come on over
and sit down.
I want to play
something for you,
but first,
I've got to ask you
a real important question.
Does it have anything
to do with your apartment
being so girly now?
Maybe.
Then I better go first.
Look, Norm,
I don't know how else
to say this,
but to just say it,
I got offered
that job in Colorado
and I'm taking it.
What?
I thought you were
just bluffing me
to try to get me to commit.
Oh.
No, Norm,
I was serious.
I really do hate the city.
And even though
I really care about you,
we're not in the point
in our relationship
to change our lives
for each other.
I got a dust ruffle
for my bed.
Norm,
I don't know
what to say.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean
to hurt you.
Oh.
Well, no,
you didn't hurt me.
Well, I know.
You're mistaken.
You think that all
this redecoration
is for you, right?
Well,
isn't it?
No.
That's the important thing
that I had to tell you.
I'm gay.
Norm,
you don't have
to do this.
No, I understand.
I mean,
that's the way
that things are.
Norm,
I wish you would
just talk to me.
I mean,
I don't want it
to end this way.
Well, I don't have
anything left to say.
Okay.
Um,
call me sometime.
Yeah, I'll see you.
I would also like to say
I feel that there is
no shame
in losing
to a dead man.
He ran a good campaign.
He should be proud.
And alive.
Uh,
I would also like
to congratulate
the various
write-in candidates
who beat me.
Uh,
Mr. Charlie Brown,
Mickey Mouse,
Crackhead Bob,
Crackhead Bob,
and second place finisher,
porn star,
Wendy Whoppers.
Thank you.

Episode 17   Norm and Shelley Break up 1999 11 03

Hi, this is tonight's rating.
It says that the little one shouldn't watch tonight's episode,
and I happen to agree.
Here with a rebuttal is the devil.
It's a delightful show.
I recommend it highly for the whole family,
especially the teeny little babies.
You disgust me.
Give me your soul, and I will make you a huge,
huge hit.
All right.
Enjoy the show.
Okay, so Lori's 20 points behind in the polls.
Now, what we gotta do is get a videotape
of Councilman Krantz kicking this adorable little doggy.
You know, I don't see how this is gonna work.
Don't worry, it'll work, all right?
Now, the dog's trained to attack this scent.
All you have to do is spray it on Krantz's leg.
Good plan.
He won't suspect a thing.
I'll just pretend this is ordinary leg spray.
Put that stuff away.
You're driving the dark nuts.
Would you stop distracting him?
He's got work to do.
Get him out of my pants.
Come on, enough of this tomfoolery now.
Come on.
Well, there goes Krantz.
I hope you two are happy.
Ridiculous.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Morning.
Oh, Norm, you were supposed to be here two hours ago.
Where have you been?
Oh, yeah.
Shelly and I went on a romantic bike ride in the park.
Well, if you can call Norm sitting on my handlebars
while I pedal uphill romantic.
Boy, you run for city council
thinking you could make a difference
and all they do is nitpick about your past.
Twenty years ago, I drive one tractor
on one marijuana farm
with my top off.
You see this?
Krantz wants to shut down
half the social service offices
in the city of his re-elected...
I-I didn't hide for 25 years
in the bowels of the city bureaucracy
to lose my pension now.
Certainly one of the city's backed up.
You're hiding in the bowels.
Lori, I-I'm depending on you, you know.
You-you think you could beat this guy?
I did everything I could.
I even tried dirty tricks with Norm,
but they backfired.
Oh, Norm, Norm.
It's because Norm is an amateur.
It's time for the big dog to get off the porch.
Big dog, of course, is me.
What do you know about politics?
Well, you don't know anything about my past.
I wasn't always a middle-level functionary.
I-I once worked for a man
who won two national elections
in the political arena.
Who?
Jowly gentleman.
Prone to facial sweating.
Ginger from Gilligan's Island.
Sure.
You worked on Nixon's campaigns?
Well, I wasn't involved in the break-in,
but I-there was a time
I-I-I had to pistol-whip Spiro Agnew.
Come on, Lord.
You can't replace me with Denby.
The only dirty trick he knows
is how to make his privates disappear
by pushing him between his legs.
No, no, no, no.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
No. Stop it.
Norm, look, I'm sorry you screwed up,
but you've got to be replaced.
All right, fine.
I'll just have lunch with Shelly.
Oh, hey, Shelly, listen, man.
Once again, my inability to follow through
has left me free for a meal.
So, uh, why don't you come down, all right?
Okay, I'll see you in a minute.
Okay, bye. Love you. See ya.
Yeah.
Seems like, uh, things are moving along, huh?
What are you talking about?
Well, you just told Shelly you love her.
What? I did?
I didn't mean to do that.
Yeah, well, what-what's the big deal?
Haven't you ever said love you to anyone before?
No, I just said it once to Dan Marino.
He just won me $10,000.
Plus, I said it through the TV,
so I don't think he heard me.
Oh, my God, Shelly's coming up here.
I gotta figure out a way to fix this
so she doesn't get the wrong idea.
You know what I mean?
You ready to go?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Shelly, yeah, I'm ready to go.
Hey, uh, listen, Danny,
Shelly and I are going to lunch, huh?
Love you.
Love you, too, big guy.
Hey, Laurie, here, uh,
can you do this paperwork for me?
I love you.
I got another idea about the paperwork.
Why don't you file that in your large intestines?
Get it in there any which way you can.
Love you.
Boy, you just love everybody today, don't you?
Oh, no.
I-I just believe that, uh,
if everybody said the word love more often,
it would lose all its meaning.
Love you, Mr. Dan Beach.
Listen, if this is a part of some kind of a psychotic breakdown,
just leave me out of it.
Oh, no, sir, I do love you.
And, uh, and I'm not going to let you go
until you say you love me, sir.
For sake, would somebody please
blow off the back of his head?
Thank you, thank you.
Uh, next question, please.
You said you were going to do a dirty trick
during the press conference.
What's going on?
Just watch what Mr. Denby did.
Well, how-how long does this city
have to wait for a city council
that...
Oh, that's it?
You just cut his mics off?
Just watch, watch.
Can you hear me?
That's how we made Musky cry.
So you think, uh,
Shelly heard you say love you?
I don't think so,
because she's acting the same.
But, uh, just to be safe,
I told I love you to everybody.
The cab driver,
the-the-the doorman out front.
I even told this homeless guy
that ran up to me with a headless rat.
I said, I love you.
Hey, hey!
It's about time we had a guy's night out.
Yeah, I haven't had a guy's night out
in a really long time.
I really, really miss guy's night out.
You've never had a guy's night out, have you?
Not with other guys, no.
Hey.
Hey, Shelly.
Don't worry.
I'm meeting Lori here.
I'm not gonna interrupt your boys' night.
I'll be gone soon,
and you can braid each other's chest here.
That's not what we do.
Is it?
Norm, before I go,
I need your opinion.
I'm, uh, well,
thinking about doing some decorating
in your living room.
What?
Well, you know,
I just want to get you a reading lamp.
Is halogen okay?
I don't need a reading lamp
from my living room.
I don't have a toilet in there.
Okay, I'll just pick it out myself.
A lamp, huh?
Hey, why is she decorating your apartment?
Did you say something to her
to make her think, you know,
you were getting serious?
No, I don't think so.
Love you.
You better be talking to your beer.
No.
Norm said love you to Shelly.
Yeah, it just slipped out, you know.
It was like that time I said it to Dad.
How could you tell her you love her?
Have I taught you nothing?
Look, Artie,
I don't need your input, all right?
When your blow-up doll
gives you a lamp, we'll talk.
Hey, when my blow-up doll
brings me a lamp,
she's out of there.
Do you actually have a blow-up doll?
No.
Listen, man,
the lamp is just the beginning.
Next thing you know,
she's gonna start bringing
all this girly stuff
over your apartment, you know,
like doilies and curlers and salad.
Then you wake up one morning
and you got a cat.
Is that what you want, a cat?
No, I don't want a cat.
Then comes the ultimatum.
Ultimatum? What ultimatum?
Well, she's gonna want a commitment.
So she'll say something like,
I'm tired of the city,
it's dirty, I need a change, you know?
And you'll say,
you don't need a change, stay.
And she'll say,
there's nothing here for me.
Then you'll go,
well, what about me?
And three months later,
you're married,
hiding in the bathroom
with a fifth of vodka,
wondering if you could fire
a shotgun with your toe.
Yeah, don't take this
the wrong way, Artie,
but if I ever get married,
you know, I might ask somebody else
to do the toast.
Artie might have a point, though,
you know, I mean,
Shelly obviously heard you say love you,
so she's bringing over a lamp
because she thinks you're getting serious.
Yeah, yeah, but it was an accident.
You know, this is moving way too fast.
I gotta figure out some subtle way
to slow Shelly down.
This is perfect.
This is the last thing Shelly will see
before our retinas begin to smoke.
It's a little more light, so what?
So what?
I can see the bones through my hand.
Oh, my God.
It is coming from in here.
Oh, Shelly, good.
You brought your lamp.
Yeah, I didn't think
I needed more light in here,
but you did,
so why don't you show me
that dark spot you're concerned with?
Norm, you should have just told me
you didn't want the lamp.
I can understand that some people
don't like other people
decorating their houses.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I guess I wanted you to know
that I like things the way they are,
and that's the way it is.
Well, I wouldn't want
to force anything on you.
Do you mind if I use your bathroom?
Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.
Yeah, don't turn the light on,
or the city loses electricity
below 23rd Street.
You idiot.
She didn't mean anything by the lamp.
You got me all paranoid over nothing.
Now, come on.
You got to get out of here.
Come on, beat it.
Hey.
What am I supposed to do at my place?
All my lamps are over here.
Well, why don't you use the light
in your refrigerator?
It's not like that door's ever closed.
Bye, Artie.
Yeah, take it easy.
Hey, Shelly, listen, man.
I'm sorry.
I was crazy about all those lamps, man.
Don't worry about it.
Why don't we just relax here
and, uh, why don't I get
a little more romantic in here?
Hello, little lady.
Um, look, Norm,
there's something we need to talk about.
Yes?
See, the thing is,
I've been thinking about
where I am
and how things are going
and I realized
I'm getting tired of the city.
Oh, jeez,
I was afraid you'd get tired
of the city there.
It's so dirty, don't you think?
No, I don't.
Or maybe I do, you know?
I'm not sure.
I don't think I want to commit
to whether I think the city's dirty.
Can't we just live with the city
for a while,
see how it goes, you know?
Uh, well, see,
that's the thing.
I've got this job interview
in Colorado tomorrow
and it's not that I'm not happy.
It's just that sometimes
I look around me
and I wonder,
what's here for me?
Oh, you pose
an interesting question.
What's here for me?
Makes me sweat.
As most interesting questions do.
Well, it's just some stuff
to think about.
Yeah.
Um, I've got to go pack.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
I can't believe it,
wiener dog.
I already was right.
What am I gonna do now?
All right, all right,
take it easy.
I'm not gonna get a cat.
Since I've taken over your campaign,
your poll numbers
have improved dramatically.
Well, I appreciate all the work
that you guys have done,
but I have to say
that the storyboard
you sent me for the TV ad,
that's getting a little rough.
Rough?
Well, yeah,
I mean,
the part where I open up
Krantz's head
and eat his brains
with a spoon.
You don't, you don't,
you don't,
you don't eat his brains.
You spit them out.
His brains are full of corruption.
Right,
but you're not hearing me.
I have a problem
with the whole eating organs area.
No, you're not hearing me.
You don't eat the brains,
you spit them out,
and then perhaps,
perhaps you dance on them.
Can you dance?
If you can't dance,
it's all right,
because the dwarves I've got
are all great dancers.
You know what bothers me so much?
It's not that she gave me the ultimatum.
It's that she wasn't straight about it,
you know?
Nobody manipulates me
into making a decision,
except for that crafty temptress
from Sprint last week.
Hmm.
Well, we're here for you, Norm.
You'll see.
You're better off without her.
I mean, uh, yeah.
Look at this poor sap over here.
Chained in a relationship.
You know,
if some hot girl
were to walk in right now,
there's absolutely nothing
he could do about it.
Look at that.
Now he's got twice the trouble.
You know what?
I'm on the phone, Shelly.
You know,
she doesn't even know
how upset I am.
I'm gonna call her
in Colorado and tell her.
Oh, hey, you hear that?
Aqualung?
Yeah, that's Shelly and my son.
She let Aqualung
be your song?
Yeah.
Wow.
I never heard of a chick
letting Aqualung
be your song.
How did that happen?
Well, we were at
the demolition derby
and it was blaring
over the loudspeakers
and then she got
all liquored up,
she jumped over
onto the track
and she got me
one of them bumpers
as a souvenir.
Shelly did that?
Wow, you're a lucky man.
Yeah, that's the thing
about Shelly, you know,
is it looks like
she's real straight-laced
and everything on the outside,
but when she loosens up,
man, she's almost
as fun as a dude.
S