Name: Episode 20 Norm vs Denby 1999 11 24
Uploaded: 2022-05-27T05:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 20 Norm vs Denby 1999 11 24' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 20 Norm vs Denby 1999 11 24' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-27. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

The waitress you had a crush on before Shelly.
You ought to ask her out.
Well, what's the point?
If everything goes great, she says yes, we fall in love,
then she dumps me, I wind up a lonely old man
obsessed with what size fruit my prostate is.
Where she comes? She's coming over here.
She's just... talk to her.
Here you go, cowboy.
Scotch on the rocks.
Hey, listen, I wanted to ask you a question there.
Let me ask you this.
Hello.
Wow, that's a... that's a stumper.
I'll have to get back to you on that.
Hey, guys.
Artie, tell Norm he can't be alone forever.
I tried, but you can't talk to him.
He's a big crybaby.
What about you?
The last time you broke up with a girl,
you slept in her T-shirt for three weeks.
Oh, my Lord, how big was this woman?
All right, all right.
You're not helping, Missy.
Missy, Missy, I know you mean well,
but I'll get over Shelly
when I get over Shelly, and that's that.
You're not gonna get over Shelly
unless you get back on the horse.
That's what I keep saying, but he won't pay for it.
Oh, you said horse.
No, Artie, I said whores.
I think it would be healthy for Norm
to get back on the whores.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Good morning, everybody.
Whatever.
You know what, Norm?
I've decided to save my pity
for people who deserve it.
At 3 o'clock today,
I'm seeing a legless woman
who's coming in to get her food stamps.
How's that make you feel?
Jealous.
Good morning.
Norm, I hate to see you like this.
Would it make you feel better
to attack Mr. Denby?
I don't know.
Oh, come on.
Give it a try.
There you go.
Hey, listen, Mr. Denby,
you know,
I hope you don't mind a fashion tip,
but I think maybe today
you should wear your jowls up, sir.
Yes, I am.
Floppy up face.
What?
I'm acknowledging
what you said was true.
Oh, that's not fun, sir.
It's better if you retaliate, you know?
How about that old one
where you always say
you're going to go in your office
and work on your time machine
so you can go back in time
and give my dad a condom?
That's always funny.
Nora, I beg you,
could you just go easy on me
just today?
I just got the divorce papers
from my wife's lawyer today.
That doesn't set me up
very well for a joke.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What?
I think I just saw
Wendy Weinstock.
This is a girl I went to high school
with, like,
the neediest person ever.
Everybody used to call her
Wendy Weintzelot.
whines a lot.
I was the only person
who was ever nice to her.
My God,
don't let her come over this way.
Hi.
I can't believe it's you.
It's my kid.
Oh, yeah.
It's at work right here.
My God.
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm applying for welfare.
That's great.
Oh, well, that's, yeah, that's.
So, well, I'm really happy
to see you.
Will you want to have lunch?
I would love to have lunch,
but I just, I've scheduled
an appointment with a doctor of,
the doctor of pelvic things.
Because, I mean,
my pelvis is like a disaster.
I understand.
I shouldn't have asked.
You know what, Wendy?
You know what?
I don't know.
You know what I'm saying?
I could reschedule the doctor.
So, why don't I meet you
downstairs, like at about
one o'clock?
Excellent.
I'll go down and hold the table
for an hour and a half.
Taylor, I'm clearing out
my office of any and all
mementos and or memorabilia
of my wife.
Do you have a metal trash can?
Sure.
Sure.
Oh.
There you go.
Is that going to be big enough
for you?
Well, I'm not sure.
Yeah, that'll be fine.
There you are.
There you are.
There you are, you harridan.
Go, go, be gone.
Consider this as a rehearsal.
A rehearsal for burning,
roasting the flames of hell.
Sure, does that actually
make you feel better?
Oddly, yes, it does.
You know, they say that
wallowing in your own hatred
can destroy you,
but I kind of like it.
Yeah, maybe that's what I
should do.
Or Shelly, you know?
Instead of blaming myself,
maybe I should get angry at her.
I got a picture of her.
Maybe I should throw that
in the fire.
Well, go for it.
A company's coming.
And I know how you love
to entertain, dear.
There you go, Blondie.
How do you like that, huh?
I hate your guts
and I'm not afraid to say so.
I'm sorry, Shelly.
I didn't mean to say it.
I didn't mean to throw you
in the fire.
No, no, Norm.
They left us.
Go on now.
Embrace your anger.
Yeah, burn in hell,
you dirty bastard.
Oh, this is great, sir.
I feel the hatred
washing over me
like a light spring rain.
Just wait till you see
how we put out the fire.
Well, here we are, Mr. Denby.
We're free.
All these women
are ours for the take.
Now, if you have to take
any medication to accomplish this,
you should take it now.
We're gonna pick
these women up, right?
That's what we do
here in the meat locker.
Yep, meat market.
Meat market.
So, is there anybody
that interests you, sir?
Well, I think, uh,
I think that one, uh,
has a certain
joie de vivre.
And, uh,
I should like
to joie de grabber.
Oh, she's coming over.
What do I do?
Quick, sir, buy a Corvette.
Can I get you to anything?
Oh, uh, yeah.
Can I have a beer, please?
Uh, I'd like, uh, coffee.
And, uh, if you could,
please stick your finger in it.
Because that would sweeten it
just enough.
Aw, aren't you cute?
Nice work, sir.
Good going.
Hey, you don't think
she'd actually put her finger
in my coffee, do you?
Do you?
I, I, I, I should explain.
Oh, no, no, sir.
No, no, no.
She got it.
No, don't worry about it.
Okay.
Hey, listen, sir.
I got my eye on somebody
here, actually.
So, I think we should
make a pact, you know?
We both asked someone out tonight.
What do you think?
Oh, excellent idea.
All right, put it here.
Okay.
Now, I'm gonna go get
a, uh, pack of breath mints.
This is my last one.
I'll give this one to you, sir.
I'm gonna give you
a little secret.
These breath mints,
they have something
called Retson in them.
Yeah, like catnip
to the ladies, sir.
You've got, you've got
even more things, huh?
Well, these are macrame shorts
and they only cost $40.
I'd rather wear regular shorts
and scratch my crotch
with a brush.
I haven't sold anything yet,
but I've made
over 3,000 garments.
We'd love to buy these, Wendy,
but we, we can't afford
the homemade stuff
on social worker salaries.
Well, that's okay, Lori.
I'm just happy
that you grew up
and turned into a nice person.
What?
What are you talking about?
I was always a nice person.
Well, not back then.
You weren't.
You were the one
who started calling me
Windy Wines-a-lot.
No, I never said that.
Oh, yes, you did.
You were the first one
to say it.
No, I wasn't.
Oh, you said it at assembly.
On the first day
of 12th grade,
you were trying
to impress Peter Rubin,
and they called my name
and you said,
Windy Wines-a-lot,
and everyone started to laugh.
Oh, my God, I did that.
But I was just a kid.
You knew that I was kidding, right?
Well, I tried to pretend
it was fun,
but then all the other kids
started saying,
Windy Wines-a-lot,
and the next thing you know,
it's on my diploma.
You know what?
I just realized
I don't have a vest
that I can also hang a plant in.
All right, here I go, sir.
Excuse me, Kim.
I'm glad you're here.
Yeah.
How are you doing,
Scotch on the rocks?
Oh, I'm doing good,
lady who enjoys
calling dudes
by beverage names.
Listen, I don't know
if you're dating anybody
right now, but...
Hi, I'm just out
of a 20-year marriage,
and I'm up for anything.
Oh, great, great, excellent.
So, what do you say
Saturday night we go out?
Oh, I can't Saturday night.
How about Friday?
Friday, yeah, yeah.
Friday's great.
I'm going out with Max
on Saturday night.
Symphony at 8, eh?
Mr. Denby,
I can't believe this.
You asked out my girl.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know
she was your choice,
and I'm not gonna cancel
my date.
Yo, I'm not gonna cancel
my date either.
You know, you have no right
to that girl.
Your seat is dry
and lifeless.
Do you want to take
this outside, tough guy?
Do you want to take
this outside?
Yeah.
Well, I didn't bring
my sweater.
I see you're using
your new macrame purse.
Yes.
I left a trail of tampons
all the way up
7th Avenue.
Hey, Norm.
How's it going with Kim?
Oh, it's going great.
She's a great girl.
I've been out with her
like three times now.
Oh, yeah?
I've heard of Mr. Denby
singer, too.
What?
What have you heard?
Has he got a second base yet?
You're going to have
to excuse my performance
in the office today.
I was out jumping
and jiving
until, uh,
actually until
nearly 11 o'clock
last night.
That must have given
your support host
quite a workout there,
huh, sir?
Listen,
you're gonna lose
Norm Henderson.
You're gonna lose
because a woman like that
appreciates a man
with a little experience,
a little maturity.
Yeah, well, listen, sir.
I may not have
your lack of hair.
I may not have
your loose, floppy skin.
And I may not have
your difficulty urinating.
What do I have to do?
What is your point?
Well, I think
I've made my point, sir.
I think you're only
chasing this woman
because Denby is.
Look, I'm not gonna lose
Kim to yertle the turtle,
all right?
What are you doing?
I'm phoning Kim.
I'm using a secret weapon
that I've been saving
for just such an occasion.
Oh, great.
I got her answering machine.
Hello, Kim.
It's Max Denby.
I can't go out tonight.
I just realized
I lost all interest
in women.
Frankly,
I can't see
what all the fuss
was about
in the first place.
You don't stand a chance.
I don't, huh?
I bought her chocolates.
That's right.
Yeah, I saw it
in the movie once.
I'm gonna give her chocolates.
Yeah, I just like
the motion pictures.
Take a look at that, huh?
What do you think
you'll never see
one of them, though?
Hey!
Max, what's going on?
I'll be waiting
downstairs for you.
Oh, um, excuse me.
Let me just clean
this cheap dime store
chocolate out of my teeth.
Why don't you take them out?
Run them under the faucet
there, sir.
I don't believe you, Norm.
You are so competitive.
It's silly.
I thought you were
much more sophisticated
than that.
Oh, I'm sophisticated.
Are you kidding me?
I, uh,
I love smoking cigarettes
on long cigarette holders,
you know?
Very sophisticated laugh.
Listen to this.
Oh.
You know,
I think you and I
could really have some fun.
As a matter of fact,
tomorrow is my birthday.
So why don't you come
by my place
and we'll celebrate
tomorrow night.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I'll take something fun.
Whatever it is,
I promise that you
won't walk away
disappointed.
You may not be able
to walk away at all.
Oh, that's excellent.
That's great.
Now, just to be clear,
we're talking about sex,
right?
Like, you're not going
to, like, you know,
drop me in my head
or anything like that.
I'm so glad
you sold me these.
She can't have
too many macrame pajamas,
right?
You know,
my therapist said
this new relationship
is really good
because it's important
for me to confront
the beast that scares me.
Okay, I've spent,
um, $480 on macrame,
and now what I need
to know is
what's it going to cost me
to get rid of
all of my guilt?
You can't erase your guilt
by giving me money, Lori.
Well, you might be right,
but we're going
to give it a shot.
So, um,
I'm going to give you,
uh, $250,
and you can have
your dribble purse back.
You're still
very mean, Lori.
Yes, I know that,
but I am writing you
a check for $300.
No, guilt's still there.
I'm going to give you
$400.
$400?
That did it.
No more guilt.
Oh, hi.
I brought you,
I brought you
a little birthday present here.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I have an even better idea
for my birthday present.
Oh, that's,
that's excellent.
You know,
I'm known as a very
generous gift giver.
You know,
I give, and I give,
and I give, you know,
and then I need
a couple hours downtime,
and then I give again.
You know,
I've never done this before.
Oh, really?
You never,
you never,
you never want to.
I'm prepared
for your pleasure,
my dear church.
Ah!
Mr. Demby,
what's he doing here?
Well,
I find you both attractive,
so I figured,
happy birthday to me.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, look,
you both know
I'm doing a little bit
of experimenting,
making up for lost time.
One of the things
that attracted me
to both of you
is that you're
men of the world.
I thought you'd be
cool with it.
Uh, well, uh,
I'm cool with it,
I'll tell you that.
Not as cool as me.
I, I, I,
I'm practically frigid.
Well,
I'm going to put
the wine on ice
and heat up the oil
in the microwave.
Oh, dear.
This is going to be oil.
Listen, sir,
why don't you just admit
that you're not hip enough
for this and, uh,
yeah, get the hell
out of here
and let me,
let me have her
on my own, would you?
You think I can do this?
You think that I,
I'm intimidated
by naked people?
I was in the war.
I shot naked people.
Well, you're probably
excited with the advent
of gunpowder
and all that.
I said, Norm,
you don't understand.
I need this.
I need it.
You're young.
You know that women
are attracted to you.
I, I've been married.
I'm, I'm,
I'm damaged goods.
Oh, sir, look,
I never realized that.
Hey!
Hold on,
I recognize that tactic.
That's pity.
Oh, damn you.
Damn you, Norm Henderson.
I almost fell for you,
wily old goat.
I see your shoes, sir.
And I raise you my pants.
That's right.
There they go.
All right, all right.
Take that.
Glasses?
You can't use your glasses.
That doesn't count.
It makes me feel better
if I don't see you
all that clearly.
Lex, sir,
why don't you just recognize
that you don't have the stuff?
All right.
All right.
I'll see your pants
and I'll raise you my shirt.
All right, sir.
Well,
you're forcing me
to do this, sir.
There we go.
There we go.
What, what, what,
what are you doing?
I'm taking my, uh,
my, uh, underwear
off in front of my boss.
Why, why don't you
just take off your socks?
Yeah, yeah,
why didn't I do that?
That's, uh,
it's very awkward, sir.
Right now I'm feeling,
I'm feeling very uncomfortable.
What, what are we doing?
I don't know,
but I have no,
I have no covering
over my private areas at all, sir.
Oh, good.
You're getting ready.
Yeah.
Uh, listen, listen.
I'm leaving, Kim.
I gotta go.
You know,
call me old-fashioned,
but you know,
I've always believed
that, that a relationship
should not involve
three people,
you know?
You know,
unless two of them
are women,
you know?
You're quitting, then?
You're quitting?
You're giving in?
Yeah, yeah, sir,
I'm giving in.
You win, all right?
There's a beautiful lady
you deserve a night with her,
and, uh,
you know,
if you can crank up
the old tin Lizzie
for one more ride,
we're power-treating.
Well, Max,
I guess it's just you and me.
I won.
I'm the victor.
I'm the victor.
I'm the victor.
This is just...
not going to happen.
I-I-I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
I-I-I-I-I mean,
you're very nice,
very nice,
but you're also
very advanced,
and, uh,
I need, uh,
I'm afraid I need
someone who's more
on the beginning level,
uh, uh,
someone,
someone who's
frightened and weak
like me.
Uh, I-I-I'm
very sorry.
You-you know,
of course,
it-it's-it's
nothing personal.
I-I-I...
I did win.
You saw that?
Did you see that?
I-I won.
All right,
let's have sexual relations.
All right, let's have a look.
.

Episode 20   Norm vs Denby 1999 11 24

The waitress you had a crush on before Shelly.
You ought to ask her out.
Well, what's the point?
If everything goes great, she says yes, we fall in love,
then she dumps me, I wind up a lonely old man
obsessed with what size fruit my prostate is.
Where she comes? She's coming over here.
She's just... talk to her.
Here you go, cowboy.
Scotch on the rocks.
Hey, listen, I wanted to ask you a question there.
Let me ask you this.
Hello.
Wow, that's a... that's a stumper.
I'll have to get back to you on that.
Hey, guys.
Artie, tell Norm he can't be alone forever.
I tried, but you can't talk to him.
He's a big crybaby.
What about you?
The last time you broke up with a girl,
you slept in her T-shirt for three weeks.
Oh, my Lord, how big was this woman?
All right, all right.
You're not helping, Missy.
Missy, Missy, I know you mean well,
but I'll get over Shelly
when I get over Shelly, and that's that.
You're not gonna get over Shelly
unless you get back on the horse.
That's what I keep saying, but he won't pay for it.
Oh, you said horse.
No, Artie, I said whores.
I think it would be healthy for Norm
to get back on the whores.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Good morning, everybody.
Whatever.
You know what, Norm?
I've decided to save my pity
for people who deserve it.
At 3 o'clock today,
I'm seeing a legless woman
who's coming in to get her food stamps.
How's that make you feel?
Jealous.
Good morning.
Norm, I hate to see you like this.
Would it make you feel better
to attack Mr. Denby?
I don't know.
Oh, come on.
Give it a try.
There you go.
Hey, listen, Mr. Denby,
you know,
I hope you don't mind a fashion tip,
but I think maybe today
you should wear your jowls up, sir.
Yes, I am.
Floppy up face.
What?
I'm acknowledging
what you said was true.
Oh, that's not fun, sir.
It's better if you retaliate, you know?
How about that old one
where you always say
you're going to go in your office
and work on your time machine
so you can go back in time
and give my dad a condom?
That's always funny.
Nora, I beg you,
could you just go easy on me
just today?
I just got the divorce papers
from my wife's lawyer today.
That doesn't set me up
very well for a joke.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What?
I think I just saw
Wendy Weinstock.
This is a girl I went to high school
with, like,
the neediest person ever.
Everybody used to call her
Wendy Weintzelot.
whines a lot.
I was the only person
who was ever nice to her.
My God,
don't let her come over this way.
Hi.
I can't believe it's you.
It's my kid.
Oh, yeah.
It's at work right here.
My God.
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm applying for welfare.
That's great.
Oh, well, that's, yeah, that's.
So, well, I'm really happy
to see you.
Will you want to have lunch?
I would love to have lunch,
but I just, I've scheduled
an appointment with a doctor of,
the doctor of pelvic things.
Because, I mean,
my pelvis is like a disaster.
I understand.
I shouldn't have asked.
You know what, Wendy?
You know what?
I don't know.
You know what I'm saying?
I could reschedule the doctor.
So, why don't I meet you
downstairs, like at about
one o'clock?
Excellent.
I'll go down and hold the table
for an hour and a half.
Taylor, I'm clearing out
my office of any and all
mementos and or memorabilia
of my wife.
Do you have a metal trash can?
Sure.
Sure.
Oh.
There you go.
Is that going to be big enough
for you?
Well, I'm not sure.
Yeah, that'll be fine.
There you are.
There you are.
There you are, you harridan.
Go, go, be gone.
Consider this as a rehearsal.
A rehearsal for burning,
roasting the flames of hell.
Sure, does that actually
make you feel better?
Oddly, yes, it does.
You know, they say that
wallowing in your own hatred
can destroy you,
but I kind of like it.
Yeah, maybe that's what I
should do.
Or Shelly, you know?
Instead of blaming myself,
maybe I should get angry at her.
I got a picture of her.
Maybe I should throw that
in the fire.
Well, go for it.
A company's coming.
And I know how you love
to entertain, dear.
There you go, Blondie.
How do you like that, huh?
I hate your guts
and I'm not afraid to say so.
I'm sorry, Shelly.
I didn't mean to say it.
I didn't mean to throw you
in the fire.
No, no, Norm.
They left us.
Go on now.
Embrace your anger.
Yeah, burn in hell,
you dirty bastard.
Oh, this is great, sir.
I feel the hatred
washing over me
like a light spring rain.
Just wait till you see
how we put out the fire.
Well, here we are, Mr. Denby.
We're free.
All these women
are ours for the take.
Now, if you have to take
any medication to accomplish this,
you should take it now.
We're gonna pick
these women up, right?
That's what we do
here in the meat locker.
Yep, meat market.
Meat market.
So, is there anybody
that interests you, sir?
Well, I think, uh,
I think that one, uh,
has a certain
joie de vivre.
And, uh,
I should like
to joie de grabber.
Oh, she's coming over.
What do I do?
Quick, sir, buy a Corvette.
Can I get you to anything?
Oh, uh, yeah.
Can I have a beer, please?
Uh, I'd like, uh, coffee.
And, uh, if you could,
please stick your finger in it.
Because that would sweeten it
just enough.
Aw, aren't you cute?
Nice work, sir.
Good going.
Hey, you don't think
she'd actually put her finger
in my coffee, do you?
Do you?
I, I, I, I should explain.
Oh, no, no, sir.
No, no, no.
She got it.
No, don't worry about it.
Okay.
Hey, listen, sir.
I got my eye on somebody
here, actually.
So, I think we should
make a pact, you know?
We both asked someone out tonight.
What do you think?
Oh, excellent idea.
All right, put it here.
Okay.
Now, I'm gonna go get
a, uh, pack of breath mints.
This is my last one.
I'll give this one to you, sir.
I'm gonna give you
a little secret.
These breath mints,
they have something
called Retson in them.
Yeah, like catnip
to the ladies, sir.
You've got, you've got
even more things, huh?
Well, these are macrame shorts
and they only cost $40.
I'd rather wear regular shorts
and scratch my crotch
with a brush.
I haven't sold anything yet,
but I've made
over 3,000 garments.
We'd love to buy these, Wendy,
but we, we can't afford
the homemade stuff
on social worker salaries.
Well, that's okay, Lori.
I'm just happy
that you grew up
and turned into a nice person.
What?
What are you talking about?
I was always a nice person.
Well, not back then.
You weren't.
You were the one
who started calling me
Windy Wines-a-lot.
No, I never said that.
Oh, yes, you did.
You were the first one
to say it.
No, I wasn't.
Oh, you said it at assembly.
On the first day
of 12th grade,
you were trying
to impress Peter Rubin,
and they called my name
and you said,
Windy Wines-a-lot,
and everyone started to laugh.
Oh, my God, I did that.
But I was just a kid.
You knew that I was kidding, right?
Well, I tried to pretend
it was fun,
but then all the other kids
started saying,
Windy Wines-a-lot,
and the next thing you know,
it's on my diploma.
You know what?
I just realized
I don't have a vest
that I can also hang a plant in.
All right, here I go, sir.
Excuse me, Kim.
I'm glad you're here.
Yeah.
How are you doing,
Scotch on the rocks?
Oh, I'm doing good,
lady who enjoys
calling dudes
by beverage names.
Listen, I don't know
if you're dating anybody
right now, but...
Hi, I'm just out
of a 20-year marriage,
and I'm up for anything.
Oh, great, great, excellent.
So, what do you say
Saturday night we go out?
Oh, I can't Saturday night.
How about Friday?
Friday, yeah, yeah.
Friday's great.
I'm going out with Max
on Saturday night.
Symphony at 8, eh?
Mr. Denby,
I can't believe this.
You asked out my girl.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know
she was your choice,
and I'm not gonna cancel
my date.
Yo, I'm not gonna cancel
my date either.
You know, you have no right
to that girl.
Your seat is dry
and lifeless.
Do you want to take
this outside, tough guy?
Do you want to take
this outside?
Yeah.
Well, I didn't bring
my sweater.
I see you're using
your new macrame purse.
Yes.
I left a trail of tampons
all the way up
7th Avenue.
Hey, Norm.
How's it going with Kim?
Oh, it's going great.
She's a great girl.
I've been out with her
like three times now.
Oh, yeah?
I've heard of Mr. Denby
singer, too.
What?
What have you heard?
Has he got a second base yet?
You're going to have
to excuse my performance
in the office today.
I was out jumping
and jiving
until, uh,
actually until
nearly 11 o'clock
last night.
That must have given
your support host
quite a workout there,
huh, sir?
Listen,
you're gonna lose
Norm Henderson.
You're gonna lose
because a woman like that
appreciates a man
with a little experience,
a little maturity.
Yeah, well, listen, sir.
I may not have
your lack of hair.
I may not have
your loose, floppy skin.
And I may not have
your difficulty urinating.
What do I have to do?
What is your point?
Well, I think
I've made my point, sir.
I think you're only
chasing this woman
because Denby is.
Look, I'm not gonna lose
Kim to yertle the turtle,
all right?
What are you doing?
I'm phoning Kim.
I'm using a secret weapon
that I've been saving
for just such an occasion.
Oh, great.
I got her answering machine.
Hello, Kim.
It's Max Denby.
I can't go out tonight.
I just realized
I lost all interest
in women.
Frankly,
I can't see
what all the fuss
was about
in the first place.
You don't stand a chance.
I don't, huh?
I bought her chocolates.
That's right.
Yeah, I saw it
in the movie once.
I'm gonna give her chocolates.
Yeah, I just like
the motion pictures.
Take a look at that, huh?
What do you think
you'll never see
one of them, though?
Hey!
Max, what's going on?
I'll be waiting
downstairs for you.
Oh, um, excuse me.
Let me just clean
this cheap dime store
chocolate out of my teeth.
Why don't you take them out?
Run them under the faucet
there, sir.
I don't believe you, Norm.
You are so competitive.
It's silly.
I thought you were
much more sophisticated
than that.
Oh, I'm sophisticated.
Are you kidding me?
I, uh,
I love smoking cigarettes
on long cigarette holders,
you know?
Very sophisticated laugh.
Listen to this.
Oh.
You know,
I think you and I
could really have some fun.
As a matter of fact,
tomorrow is my birthday.
So why don't you come
by my place
and we'll celebrate
tomorrow night.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
I'll take something fun.
Whatever it is,
I promise that you
won't walk away
disappointed.
You may not be able
to walk away at all.
Oh, that's excellent.
That's great.
Now, just to be clear,
we're talking about sex,
right?
Like, you're not going
to, like, you know,
drop me in my head
or anything like that.
I'm so glad
you sold me these.
She can't have
too many macrame pajamas,
right?
You know,
my therapist said
this new relationship
is really good
because it's important
for me to confront
the beast that scares me.
Okay, I've spent,
um, $480 on macrame,
and now what I need
to know is
what's it going to cost me
to get rid of
all of my guilt?
You can't erase your guilt
by giving me money, Lori.
Well, you might be right,
but we're going
to give it a shot.
So, um,
I'm going to give you,
uh, $250,
and you can have
your dribble purse back.
You're still
very mean, Lori.
Yes, I know that,
but I am writing you
a check for $300.
No, guilt's still there.
I'm going to give you
$400.
$400?
That did it.
No more guilt.
Oh, hi.
I brought you,
I brought you
a little birthday present here.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I have an even better idea
for my birthday present.
Oh, that's,
that's excellent.
You know,
I'm known as a very
generous gift giver.
You know,
I give, and I give,
and I give, you know,
and then I need
a couple hours downtime,
and then I give again.
You know,
I've never done this before.
Oh, really?
You never,
you never,
you never want to.
I'm prepared
for your pleasure,
my dear church.
Ah!
Mr. Demby,
what's he doing here?
Well,
I find you both attractive,
so I figured,
happy birthday to me.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Oh, 