Name: Episode 21 Norm vs The Boxer 1999 12 01
Uploaded: 2022-05-28T05:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 21 Norm vs The Boxer 1999 12 01' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-28. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 21 Norm vs The Boxer 1999 12 01' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-28. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Look, Mr. Johnson, I can't send any more caregivers to your house, all right?
You attacked the last one, and then you filed a lawsuit claiming that he
attacked you.
I did.
All right, then.
Now, because of your lawsuit, I'm not allowed to send another caregiver to your
house, all right?
But I'm gonna give you a number that you can call.
What the hell was that?
A win.
A win?
Look, you just behave yourself, all right?
I'm gonna get some witnesses in here.
Ah!
Aha!
I saw that.
Your lawsuit's over.
There's nothing wrong with you at all.
Mr. Danvy, Danny, come on in here.
What is it?
Ah!
It's Johnson.
He's a fake.
He's been faking us the whole time.
Yeah!
Look!
Ah!
He can stand!
What are you-- what are you doing?
Ah!
He's faking us.
He's not a cripple at all.
Look!
Look!
He's a...
a rich cripple.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Hey.
This ain't the library, man.
I know that.
You're hardcore porn.
I was not in alphabetical order.
You want to read it?
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, what are you doing?
You're too young for that.
You shouldn't be stealing cigarettes.
They're not good for you.
You could steal an apple from the Korean dude across the street.
I saw that.
What, you think you could steal from me?
Oh, hey, easy there, gentle shopkeep.
You know, you're just a kid.
How old are you?
About 15?
Yeah, 15.
And homeless.
Only reason I'm stealing 'cause I ain't got any money.
See that?
You almost beat up a poor homeless ragamuffin.
Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?
You look about my size, punk.
Oh.
I meant somebody your size wasn't terrified.
Excuse me, mister.
God, that's quite a punch you have there, kid.
You ever boxed before?
Yeah, a little.
Yeah, wow.
A kid with your talent could make a fortune with the right management, you know?
But, uh, you know, he wasn't expecting it.
You know, how do you come when they're ready for it, huh?
Boom!
Yes!
Ah!
Simple yes or no is all that, uh, you know, I needed.
Harry, you found this kid on the street?
He's gonna be a gold mine.
Yeah, he's gonna save my life.
If I give my book you a percentage of this kid's career,
he'll probably wipe out that debt of $10,000 I own.
Yeah, it reminds me of me when I was boxing.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, he's just like you, except he doesn't get winded climbing through the
ropes.
Listen, man, it's gonna cost money to get the kid started.
We gotta buy him his own gloves, shoes, trunks.
Yeah, yeah.
Remember the old days when all you needed to hit a guy was a roll of quarters?
Norm, we're gonna need a sponsor.
I say we hit up Q-Ball.
No, I don't think that'd be a good idea.
What about Danny here?
Who's Q-Ball?
He's this guy I like to make fun of behind his back.
You don't know him.
His name is, uh, Q-Ball, uh, what's your last name?
Sanchez.
His last name is Sanchez, too, but, you know, different guy.
So you just called me down here to get money for your boxer?
Oh, no, the kid needs a sponsor to cover the miscellaneous expenses.
You know, entrance fees, equipment.
Yeah, yeah, money for an Indian headdress
in case we change his nickname to Chief Punch 'Em.
All right, if I do this, what's in it for me?
Well, the broads love a guy associated with the fight game.
Yeah.
Really?
So I could get ad space on his trunks?
Oh, what, like a picture of me and my phone number?
Or if you really want to get some calls,
have a picture of another dude in your phone number.
Hey, Norm, this better be important.
I'm a busy man. You got my money?
I got something better than money.
See, I got you the next Mike Tyson.
What the hell is this?
You owe me money.
I want you to bring me some chit off the street.
Good God.
That kid has a punch.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait till you see how he handles the heavy bag.
Artie, get in the ring.
Yeah, we're training him
for the Triborough Junior Boxing Championship.
Yeah, you want a piece?
He's gonna be worth millions when he turns pro.
I don't know.
See, I'll keep my eye on him.
Let's see how he does in the tournament.
Yeah, I figured, you know, the deal would be
that, you know, you can forget about my $10,000 debt
and I can cut you in for 50%.
I'd want the whole thing.
Right, 50% of 200%.
Or in less colorful language, the whole thing.
All right, Sean.
Work your stomach, work your stomach.
All right, now, come on.
Not just the stomach above the bells.
All the stomach.
I got great news.
I made some calls
and I was able to pull Sean out of the temporary shelter
that you put him in
and place him in the Albany Group home.
Oh, great. Oh, no, Albany.
No, he can't go to Albany.
He's got a championship to win.
Norm, kids wait for years to get into this home.
I had to pull some strings.
Well, we wouldn't want Sean to cut in line.
Wouldn't want to send the kid the wrong message.
Hit him in the face as hard as you can.
Hit him!
Sean is learning nothing but violence in this place.
These boys should be reading and singing
and making potholders
and all the things the boys love to do.
Uh, Lori, you don't understand boxing.
It's more than violence.
Artie, tell Lori what boxing can teach you.
Oh, Lori, I see boxing as a metaphor.
Hi, everyone.
Uh, I believe there are some of you
who haven't yet met my niece, Nicole.
Oh, she's so pretty.
Wife side of the family.
Yeah.
I want to be a social worker.
Oh, well, you came to the right spot.
Let me give you a little tour.
Great, thanks, Lori.
Uh, just be sure she doesn't talk
to any of the undesirables.
By undesirables, you mean the people
that were here to help.
Exactly.
Sir?
Sir, I used to be one of these people.
An undesirable.
Oh, yes.
But, I mean, no, no, no.
You, no.
You weren't.
You weren't undesirable.
You, you, you were very, very...
Oh, dear.
Uh, uh, uh, I, uh...
I'm just gonna go.
I'm gonna be in my office
until, until this awkwardness
between us has passed.
Don't believe this.
You withdrew Sean's paperwork
and so the group home went and filled his spot.
What's the matter with you?
Well, hey, uh, Sean wanted to stay around
for the boxing tournament, so...
Yeah, plus, if Norm does this,
it gets him off the hook with his bookie.
Under your plan, Lori, only the kid benefits.
Shut up, you.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Sean. How you doing?
Hi, Sean. Hi.
Can you excuse us for just one second, please?
Do you feel guilty at all about using this kid?
Hey, I done him a lot of good, all right?
I enrolled him to school.
I got him off the streets.
You're just doing it for yourself.
Well, what difference does that make?
You know, if a guy's choking and you heimlich him
because he's making an annoying noise,
he's still saving his life.
Norm, you could make all the excuses you want.
You are using that kid, and you know it.
Come on, Lori. Come on.
Hey, Sean, let me talk to you for a sec, huh?
Uh, you know, I've been kind of pushing this boxing thing
on you and everything, and, uh, you know,
I just want to know you, you like boxing, don't you?
What, are you kidding? I loved it.
Well, I was just thinking, you know, uh,
you know, I want what's best for him.
Maybe you should have some outside interest, so, uh,
you like, uh, you like potholders, or...?
Oh, yeah, her name's Nicole.
Yeah, she's pretty cute, huh?
I guess.
Yeah, yeah, that's sweet.
That's puppy love.
You want to get all over that.
Actually, I'm kind of shy with the girl.
Ah, come on, she won't bite.
Come on, let's go talk to her.
Nah, I don't think so.
Listen, Sean, let me tell you something
about women, all right?
They're just as afraid of you as you are of them.
No, wait, that's snakes.
Uh, oh, no, I know what it is.
Uh, sometimes they spit poison in your eyes.
I'm sorry, that's snakes again.
I just saw a cool thing on snakes on the TV there.
Uh, no, what I'm trying to say is, uh,
some of them can unhinge their jaws
and swallow you whole.
And I ain't talking about snakes.
He's scaring you.
Nah, come on, courage there, pal.
Let's go over and talk to her.
Hey, Nicole.
Hi, Norm.
Hi, I want you to meet, uh, my buddy Sean.
He's a boxer.
Really?
I'm on the debate team.
Oh, there you go.
You're a perfect match.
You can persuade people with your points of view,
and, and, you know, if you can't, then,
then Sean can punch them in the throat.
Yeah, listen, Nicole, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
Me and Sean were gonna go to the movies tomorrow night,
but I can't now, so I was wondering if you could...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Tomorrow night's no good.
Oh, that's okay.
Don't...
tonight if you wanted.
Oh, yeah.
Tonight would be great.
Uh, yeah.
Tonight would be great.
Wow, you guys have a great day.
Sean, I gotta talk to you right now.
Listen, uh, let me give you some money, pal.
You know, for the movie, and then here's something for the cab,
and then, uh, here's some money for the, you know,
it's kind of embarrassing, but it's for, uh, you know,
could you, could you pick me up some toilet paper on the way back home?
Kids are natural, huh?
Yeah.
I've seen enough.
Come here.
You know what?
I'm not gonna wait until after the term.
I'm ripping up your marker right now.
Ha-ha-ha, Mac, you're a good man.
I mean, you're not a good man, but you're a bad man
that I don't owe any money to.
You know, in five years,
when this kid is old enough to turn pro,
I'm gonna finally be able to get out of this dirty business
and do what I've always wanted to do.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Taxidermy.
I'm dying to try it with animals.
Hey, you hear that, Danny?
I'm free and clear of my debt.
These shorts don't stop riding up.
I'm not gonna get any calls.
Norm. Norm, I'm gonna talk to you.
Look, I was trying to get Sean in Social Security,
but when I put his name into the system,
it turns out there was no Sean Franklin Murphy
born in New York in the last 25 years.
Why? Why would he give me a false name?
I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe, maybe his real name is something embarrassing.
Like this kid I went to school with,
Joey Mom's a whore.
What are you doing?
Hey, is that Sean's wallet?
Yeah, yeah. Look, there's his driver's license, man.
Sean Franklin Murphy, just like you told me.
Wait a second.
Why does a 15-year-old have a driver's license?
Oh, my God. He was born June 4, 1972.
1972. That makes him 27.
27.
Two.
Seven.
27.
Oh, my God. He's beating up children.
Look at the strength of this kid.
Can you believe he's only 15?
Nope.
I don't know. Can you?
We can't let a grown man beat up little kids.
We gotta stop this.
Maybe it's a fake ID so we could buy beer.
Yeah, hey, look.
Here's a picture of him and his buddy playing laser tag.
That's not his buddy. That's an Iraqi soldier.
He's a part of Desert Storm.
All right, all right. One more for the championship.
Yeah, one more for the championship.
Man, I know you're 27.
Who told you?
I saw it in your wallet. How could you do this to me?
I'm sorry, Noel.
It's just that I always wanted to be a boxer.
I entered the Golden Gloves when I was younger,
but I got knocked out in the first round.
But now that I'm 27, there isn't a kid here who can beat me.
Yeah, well, that would be great if there was an Olympic event
called Adults Hitting Kids.
I wasn't looking for any of this.
It's just I lost my job and didn't have enough money for cigarettes.
I just wanted to step outside, have a quick smoke,
get away from my wife.
You what? You have a wife?
Yeah.
My 27-year-old life is a real mess.
My 15-year-old life, now that's going great.
You can't do this. You're a grown man.
That's the great part. No responsibilities.
The school work comes easy to me.
You know it's a whole lot easier to do a report on Iraq
after you bombed it.
Yeah, you don't understand.
See, you got me in trouble now with Mac.
He only let me off the hook because he thought I hooked him up
with some 15-year-old boxing prodigy.
I'm going to win that championship, and if you try to stop me,
I'm going to tell Mac you knew all along I was 27.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm not going to let you sit on my lap when we drive anymore.
What do you think of that?
Excuse me. Ms. Freeman, why'd you call me in?
Sean, I have some amazing news.
I didn't have much luck in finding you a group home,
but I have found a couple who wants to adopt you.
Really?
Yeah.
Hey, what does the mom look like?
Well, she seems very sweet.
You're going to love the Cardells.
You're going to have your own room and a pool to swim in.
Mr. and Mrs. Cardell, I'd like you to meet Sean Murphy.
Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cardell.
And I'll just let you all get acquainted.
Thank you.
So, Sean, we hear that you're a boxing enthusiast.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
But my main hobbies are politeness and chores.
Well, Norm, you're not going to be able to screw this up.
I'm minutes away from finding Sean a home.
He's 27.
Who cares?
I found a couple to adopt him.
What do you mean he's 27?
Yeah, he pretended he was 15, but I found out he's really 27.
Oh!
All right, well, at least you told me the truth.
Now, this is a very tricky moral problem,
and at times like these, I like to turn to the Bible.
Mr. and Mrs. Cardell, I want you to meet Norm Henderson.
He's the social worker who rescued me from the streets.
Hi.
Hey, nice to meet you. How are you?
If it's all right with you, we'd like to take Sean for some ice cream.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, make sure you strap him into that child's safety seat.
What am I going to do?
I don't want to turn the Cardells off to the whole adoption process.
I'm just going to have to kill the whole thing in paperwork.
Hey, hey, why don't we let Sean stay adopted, you know?
Maybe he could help them have a baby of their own.
You know what I'm saying?
You know, I shouldn't have hit you with that Bible before.
The phone book is so much bigger.
Ow!
I expect you to fix this.
You've got to get him out of that home.
You've got to get him out of junior high
and keep him from pummeling children.
I'm telling you, I try to get him out of the tournament, but he won't.
You know, and I can't bust him on being 27 or Mac will kill me.
Hi, guys. Is Sean around?
Sean?
No, Sean's not here right now, no.
Did you hear he's taking me to the prom?
Well, that's nice.
Maybe he can teach everybody to hustle.
Fix this!
Listen, Nicole, here, I've got to tell you something, you know?
And please don't tell your Uncle Max this, but, uh, Sean,
Sean, Sean isn't really 15.
He seemed a little immature.
No, no, no, no. He's 27.
27?
That's awesome!
What?
Tara Finch's prom date's only 19!
Tara?
Hey, it's Nicole.
Guess what, bitch?
What are you gonna do about Sean?
I don't worry, I got a plan.
Artie's driving Mac around, he's gonna get lost for about an hour.
That gives me enough time to get Sean out of here, and then I'll tell Mac that
he ran away.
Where are you gonna tell Mac the kid went?
Peru.
Peru?
Why?
Yeah, that's for you to figure out while I talk to Sean.
Hey, Sean, listen. The fight starts in one minute, all right?
This is your last chance to walk out of here with honor.
I'm not quitting now. I know I can take this guy.
I just hope he doesn't hit me in my face.
I got a prom picture I gotta take tonight.
Well, uh, here she is.
Where is he?
Hey, pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Murphy.
I'm Norm Henderson, and, uh, your husband just stepped into the boxing ring, so...
What?
Sean!
Where the hell have you been, Sean?
Oh, crap.
You've got a lot of explaining to do, Sean.
Why is there a picture of Dom DeLuise on your ass?
Look, don't you stop with me. I'm gonna fulfill my dream.
Look, Mrs. Murphy, just, uh, give me a moment, would you?
You've got one moment. One.
Look, why don't you go home with your wife, eh?
She loves you in her own shrill, hateful way.
Yeah, I love her, too.
But if I quit now, I'll never forgive myself.
This way, I win the tournament, and she'll be mad at me for a couple of months.
So what?
Well, how about this for an idea, huh?
I'd tell her that you're gonna go to a prom with a 15-year-old girl,
and then she'd twist your private parts into balloon animals.
Not cool balloon animals, either, but probably like a poodle or something like
that.
Eh!
Time's up.
I'm not playing.
Don't make me climb in that ring, Sean.
Yeah, I'm coming.
That's what I'm talking about.
Norman.
Oh, Mac.
Hey, uh, hey, Mac.
What are you doing here?
I'd have been here sooner, but your stupid brother drove me all over town.
I had to put a gun to his head.
What the hell's going on here?
Where do they think he's going? Who's the woman?
Oh, yeah, that's what I want to explain.
See, the thing with Sean's a lot more complicated than, uh, than you originally
thought.
Uh, it turns out that his, uh, his old lady won't let him fight.
Oh, man.
Yeah, so it's technically not my fault.
I do not get between a boy and his mother.
His mother?
Oh, yeah, his mother.
Yeah, that's it.
There she is, his dear, beloved mother.
Sean, if you roll your eyes at me one more time, I'ma pop 'em out and juggle
with 'em.
Why don't you stop treating me like a child?
That's it.
You're not sleeping in the bed with me tonight.
Let's go.
You wonder why some kids end up in the street?
I don't wonder about that.
I wonder about when I'm gonna get my $10,000.
I'll tell you what, Mac.
Uh, what do you say we flip for it, huh? Double or nothing?
Okay.
Heads.
Heads.
Okay, oh, yeah, $20,000.
Uh, how about we flip for it again, huh? Double or nothing?
Heads.
Heads, all right.
$40,000.
Okay.
Uh, what do you say we flip for it, not double or nothing?
Heads.
Heads.
$80,000?
What the hell happened to the law of averages?
So, how'd you work things out with your bookie?
Uh, well, he knew he'd never get the money out of me, so, uh, he gave me a
break.
I gave him my car, and, uh, and my TV, and, uh, an organ to be named later.
I'm trying to sell him on my appendix.
Hey, you have some visitors.
Oh, Sean.
Hey, how you doing, buddy?
Hey, who's the little guy?
Oh, this is my son, Brian.
Really?
Hey, Brian, how you doing?
I didn't know you had a son.
Yeah, he's a good kid.
Actually, Norm, I came down to ask you a favor.
Uh, yeah, what, do you want me to help you pitch in the Little League World
Series?
I realize you were right.
I have responsibilities at home.
But I was wondering if you don't hate me too much.
Can I come by and talk to you sometimes?
Uh, yeah, absolutely, Sean.
You're welcome anytime.
Hey, you too there, Brian.
You're a cute kid.
How old are you, like five, six?
Oh, no, he's 13.
you

Episode 21   Norm vs The Boxer 1999 12 01

Look, Mr. Johnson, I can't send any more caregivers to your house, all right?
You attacked the last one, and then you filed a lawsuit claiming that he
attacked you.
I did.
All right, then.
Now, because of your lawsuit, I'm not allowed to send another caregiver to your
house, all right?
But I'm gonna give you a number that you can call.
What the hell was that?
A win.
A win?
Look, you just behave yourself, all right?
I'm gonna get some witnesses in here.
Ah!
Aha!
I saw that.
Your lawsuit's over.
There's nothing wrong with you at all.
Mr. Danvy, Danny, come on in here.
What is it?
Ah!
It's Johnson.
He's a fake.
He's been faking us the whole time.
Yeah!
Look!
Ah!
He can stand!
What are you-- what are you doing?
Ah!
He's faking us.
He's not a cripple at all.
Look!
Look!
He's a...
a rich cripple.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Hey.
This ain't the library, man.
I know that.
You're hardcore porn.
I was not in alphabetical order.
You want to read it?
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, what are you doing?
You're too young for that.
You shouldn't be stealing cigarettes.
They're not good for you.
You could steal an apple from the Korean dude across the street.
I saw that.
What, you think you could steal from me?
Oh, hey, easy there, gentle shopkeep.
You know, you're just a kid.
How old are you?
About 15?
Yeah, 15.
And homeless.
Only reason I'm stealing 'cause I ain't got any money.
See that?
You almost beat up a poor homeless ragamuffin.
Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?
You look about my size, punk.
Oh.
I meant somebody your size wasn't terrified.
Excuse me, mister.
God, that's quite a punch you have there, kid.
You ever boxed before?
Yeah, a little.
Yeah, wow.
A kid with your talent could make a fortune with the right management, you know?
But, uh, you know, he wasn't expecting it.
You know, how do you come when they're ready for it, huh?
Boom!
Yes!
Ah!
Simple yes or no is all that, uh, you know, I needed.
Harry, you found this kid on the street?
He's gonna be a gold mine.
Yeah, he's gonna save my life.
If I give my book you a percentage of this kid's career,
he'll probably wipe out that debt of $10,000 I own.
Yeah, it reminds me of me when I was boxing.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, he's just like you, except he doesn't get winded climbing through the
ropes.
Listen, man, it's gonna cost money to get the kid started.
We gotta buy him his own gloves, shoes, trunks.
Yeah, yeah.
Remember the old days when all you needed to hit a guy was a roll of quarters?
Norm, we're gonna need a sponsor.
I say we hit up Q-Ball.
No, I don't think that'd be a good idea.
What about Danny here?
Who's Q-Ball?
He's this guy I like to make fun of behind his back.
You don't know him.
His name is, uh, Q-Ball, uh, what's your last name?
Sanchez.
His last name is Sanchez, too, but, you know, different guy.
So you just called me down here to get money for your boxer?
Oh, no, the kid needs a sponsor to cover the miscellaneous expenses.
You know, entrance fees, equipment.
Yeah, yeah, money for an Indian headdress
in case we change his nickname to Chief Punch 'Em.
All right, if I do this, what's in it for me?
Well, the broads love a guy associated with the fight game.
Yeah.
Really?
So I could get ad space on his trunks?
Oh, what, like a picture of me and my phone number?
Or if you really want to get some calls,
have a picture of another dude in your phone number.
Hey, Norm, this better be important.
I'm a busy man. You got my money?
I got something better than money.
See, I got you the next Mike Tyson.
What the hell is this?
You owe me money.
I want you to bring me some chit off the street.
Good God.
That kid has a punch.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait till you see how he handles the heavy bag.
Artie, get in the ring.
Yeah, we're training him
for the Triborough Junior Boxing Championship.
Yeah, you want a piece?
He's gonna be worth millions when he turns pro.
I don't know.
See, I'll keep my eye on him.
Let's see how he does in the tournament.
Yeah, I figured, you know, the deal would be
that, you know, you can forget about my $10,000 debt
and I can cut you in for 50%.
I'd want the whole thing.
Right, 50% of 200%.
Or in less colorful language, the whole thing.
All right, Sean.
Work your stomach, work your stomach.
All right, now, come on.
Not just the stomach above the bells.
All the stomach.
I got great news.
I made some calls
and I was able to pull Sean out of the temporary shelter
that you put him in
and place him in the Albany Group home.
Oh, great. Oh, no, Albany.
No, he can't go to Albany.
He's got a championship to win.
Norm, kids wait for years to get into this home.
I had to pull some strings.
Well, we wouldn't want Sean to cut in line.
Wouldn't want to send the kid the wrong message.
Hit him in the face as hard as you can.
Hit him!
Sean is learning nothing but violence in this place.
These boys should be reading and singing
and making potholders
and all the things the boys love to do.
Uh, Lori, you don't understand boxing.
It's more than violence.
Artie, tell Lori what boxing can teach you.
Oh, Lori, I see boxing as a metaphor.
Hi, everyone.
Uh, I believe there are some of you
who haven't yet met my niece, Nicole.
Oh, she's so pretty.
Wife side of the family.
Yeah.
I want to be a social worker.
Oh, well, you came to the right spot.
Let me give you a little tour.
Great, thanks, Lori.
Uh, just be sure she doesn't talk
to any of the undesirables.
By undesirables, you mean the people
that were here to help.
Exactly.
Sir?
Sir, I used to be one of these people.
An undesirable.
Oh, yes.
But, I mean, no, no, no.
You, no.
You weren't.
You weren't undesirable.
You, you, you were very, very...
Oh, dear.
Uh, uh, uh, I, uh...
I'm just gonna go.
I'm gonna be in my office
until, until this awkwardness
between us has passed.
Don't believe this.
You withdrew Sean's paperwork
and so the group home went and filled his spot.
What's the matter with you?
Well, hey, uh, Sean wanted to stay around
for the boxing tournament, so...
Yeah, plus, if Norm does this,
it gets him off the hook with his bookie.
Under your plan, Lori, only the kid benefits.
Shut up, you.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Sean. How you doing?
Hi, Sean. Hi.
Can you excuse us for just one second, please?
Do you feel guilty at all about using this kid?
Hey, I done him a lot of good, all right?
I enrolled him to school.
I got him off the streets.
You're just doing it for yourself.
Well, what difference does that make?
You know, if a guy's choking and you heimlich him
because he's making an annoying noise,
he's still saving his life.
Norm, you could make all the excuses you want.
You are using that kid, and you know it.
Come on, Lori. Come on.
Hey, Sean, let me talk to you for a sec, huh?
Uh, you know, I've been kind of pushing this boxing thing
on you and everything, and, uh, you know,
I just want to know you, you like boxing, don't you?
What, are you kidding? I loved it.
Well, I was just thinking, you know, uh,
you know, I want what's best for him.
Maybe you should have some outside interest, so, uh,
you like, uh, you like potholders, or...?
Oh, yeah, her name's Nicole.
Yeah, she's pretty cute, huh?
I guess.
Yeah, yeah, that's sweet.
That's puppy love.
You want to get all over that.
Actually, I'm kind of shy with the girl.
Ah, come on, she won't bite.
Come on, let's go talk to her.
Nah, I don't think so.
Listen, Sean, let me tell you something
about women, all right?
They're just as afraid of you as you are of them.
No, wait, that's snakes.
Uh, oh, no, I know what it is.
Uh, sometimes they spit poison in your eyes.
I'm sorry, that's snakes again.
I just saw a cool thing on snakes on the TV there.
Uh, no, what I'm trying to say is, uh,
some of them can unhinge their jaws
and swallow you whole.
And I ain't talking about snakes.
He's scaring you.
Nah, come on, courage there, pal.
Let's go over and talk to her.
Hey, Nicole.
Hi, Norm.
Hi, I want you to meet, uh, my buddy Sean.
He's a boxer.
Really?
I'm on the debate team.
Oh, there you go.
You're a perfect match.
You can persuade people with your points of view,
and, and, you know, if you can't, then,
then Sean can punch them in the throat.
Yeah, listen, Nicole, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
Me and Sean were gonna go to the movies tomorrow night,
but I can't now, so I was wondering if you could...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Tomorrow night's no good.
Oh, that's okay.
Don't...
tonight if you wanted.
Oh, yeah.
Tonight would be great.
Uh, yeah.
Tonight would be great.
Wow, you guys have a great day.
Sean, I gotta talk to you right now.
Listen, uh, let me give you some money, pal.
You know, for the movie, and then here's something for the cab,
and then, uh, here's some money for the, you know,
it's kind of embarrassing, but it's for, uh, you know,
could you, could you pick me up some toilet paper on the way back home?
Kids are natural, huh?
Yeah.
I've seen enough.
Come here.
You know what?
I'm not gonna wait until after the term.
I'm ripping up your marker right now.
Ha-ha-ha, Mac, you're a good man.
I mean, you're not a good man, but you're a bad man
that I don't owe any money to.
You know, in five years,
when this kid is old enough to turn pro,
I'm gonna finally be able to get out of this dirty business
and do what I've always wanted to do.
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Taxidermy.
I'm dying to try it with animals.
Hey, you hear that, Danny?
I'm free and clear of my debt.
These shorts don't stop riding up.
I'm not gonna get any calls.
Norm. Norm, I'm gonna talk to you.
Look, I was trying to get Sean in Social Security,
but when I put his name into the system,
it turns out there was no Sean Franklin Murphy
born in New York in the last 25 years.
Why? Why would he give me a false name?
I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe, maybe his real name is something embarrassing.
Like this kid I went to school with,
Joey Mom's a whore.
What are you doing?
Hey, is that Sean's wallet?
Yeah, yeah. Look, there's his driver's license, man.
Sean Franklin Murphy, just like you told me.
Wait a second.
Why does a 15-year-old have a driver's license?
Oh, my God. He was born June 4, 1972.
1972. That makes him 27.
27.
Two.
Seven.
27.
Oh, my God. He's beating up children.
Look at the strength of this kid.
Can you believe he's only 15?
Nope.
I don't know. Can you?
We can't let a grown man beat up little kids.
We gotta stop this.
Maybe it's a fake ID so we could buy beer.
Yeah, hey, look.
Here's a picture of him and his buddy playing laser tag.
That's not his buddy. That's an Iraqi soldier.
He's a part of Desert Storm.
All right, all right. One more for the championship.
Yeah, one more for the championship.
Man, I know you're 27.
Who told you?
I saw it in your wallet. How could you do this to me?
I'm sorry, Noel.
It's just that I always wanted to be a boxer.
I entered the Golden Gloves when I was younger,
but I got knocked out in the first round.
But now that I'm 27, there isn't a kid here who can beat me.
Yeah, well, that would be great if there was an Olympic event
called Adults Hitting Kids.
I wasn't looking for any of this.
It's just I lost my job and didn't have enough money for cigarettes.
I just wanted to step outside, have a quick smoke,
get away from my wife.
You what? You have a wife?
Yeah.
My 27-year-old life is a real mess.
My 15-year-old life, now that's going great.
You can't do this. You're a grown man.
That's the great part. No responsibilities.
The school work comes easy to me.
You know it's a whole lot easier to do a report on Iraq
after you bombed it.
Yeah, you don't understand.
See, you got me in trouble now with Mac.
He only let me off the hook because he thought I hooked him up
with some 15-year-old boxing prodigy.
I'm going to win that championship, and if you try to stop me,
I'm going to tell Mac you knew all alon