Name: Episode 23 Norm vs The Evil Twin 2000 01 05
Uploaded: 2022-05-30T05:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 23 Norm vs The Evil Twin 2000 01 05' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-30. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 23 Norm vs The Evil Twin 2000 01 05' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-30. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

I say, Norm, I was looking through your personnel file and it seems that you've
listed me as your
next of kin. Yes, sir. I've also named you beneficiary, sir. That's in case I
die, a cloud
of suspicion will settle upon you, sir. Look, the whole file, it's a mess. You
have to redo it. You
have to redo it right now, Norm. You know, you may have been sentenced here to
community service,
but you have to follow the rules, Norm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'll do it right
now. In case of
emergency, please call a fireman. Hey, guys. Hi. Did my sister get here yet? No,
not yet. No, no,
because she was supposed to have been here by now. Calm down, Lori. I'm sure we'd
recognize your
identical twin. Oh, here she is. Here she is, Lori. The resemblance is uncanny.
It must be like
looking in the mirror for you when you look at it. That's very, very, very
funny, Norm. I'm sorry
about that, Steve. I mean, Princess Fabulous. Lori, it must be. It must be neat
having a twin. Do you have
that thing where you can feel what the other one's feeling? Yeah, but we kind
of mostly just used it
to torture each other, you know, like if I'd go to sleepaway camp, she'd stick
her hand in a bowl
of warm water. I know how to get even with her, though. When she was having her
senior class picture
taking, I jammed a letter opener into my thigh. Didn't work that time.
Hey, uh, Taylor? Yeah? Uh, remember the other night when I, uh, told you I was
crazy about you
and asked you out? Yeah, Danny. I'm still thinking about it. Oh, oh, good. I
was hoping you were still
thinking about it. And, uh, once again, thank you for your consideration. Hey,
uh, way to play it cool
there, hef. Lay off. This is hard enough as it is. I know it is, buddy. I want
to help you the best I
can. Uh, oh, hey, uh, Taylor. Listen, uh, let me tell you something. If I weren't
straight,
I'd like to get a piece of this.
Xerox delivery for Lori Friedman. Jamie! Oh, Jamie, you look great. How you
doing?
Oh, it's been crazy. Ever since they bumped me to vice president, I've been
trying to decorate this
huge office they gave me. You know what that's like. Or maybe you don't.
Well, it's amazing how fast you've climbed the corporate ladder, Jamie. You're
just, you're,
you're a regular fellatio-alger story.
You're so funny. You were always the funny one.
No, I'm not. Yes, you were. Mom and Dad used to always say,
at least Lori's funny. Yeah, like they always used to tell me,
at least Jamie's not pregnant.
Hey, Lori, aren't you going to introduce me?
Yeah, Norm, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is Norm.
Oh, hey. I've always said that everybody has a twin somewhere in the world.
This proves my theory.
And that's Norm.
So, Jamie's got to get on a plane back to Chicago in about four hours.
We're going to go have some lunch.
Oh, okay. Have a good lunch.
Well, this will be fun. I'll be able to tell you about who I've been seeing.
And you can tell me all about your newest cat.
See, you have this image of me left over from high school,
but things are very different now, Jamie.
I actually have a very healthy social life.
Oh, really? Seeing anyone serious?
As a matter of fact, I am.
I happen to be seeing that man right over there, the one with the beep.
The transmit...
Norm.
Wow. Well, so you've got a steady boyfriend.
Congratulations.
I just want to tell you one thing.
The first time, it's going to hurt a little.
Mom, is that Lori's sister?
Yeah, yeah. She looks just like Lori, except she's hot.
Not that Lori's not hot.
It's just that I respect Lori, and that kind of wrecks it, you know.
Stay away from her, Norm.
I mean, there's a lot of issues between those sisters,
and you don't want to get in the middle of that.
Danny, it would be disrespectful to date Lori's sister.
I'm not going to do anything stupid.
Of course you will. That's what you do.
Hey, I don't like the sound of that.
What are you getting at?
I'm saying you do stupid things all the time.
All right, then.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Good night, Taylor.
Yes.
Yes what?
Yes, I'll go out with you.
Oh, that's awesome!
Okay, well, now all you have to do is wait for my decision.
Oh, okay.
Yes, yes is my decision, too.
Yeah.
Isn't it great when things work out like that?
Yeah.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Taylor said yes, huh?
Yes!
I can't believe it!
She's so far out of my league!
Listen, Danny, I'm getting tired of this talk.
Let me tell you something.
Taylor is lucky to be going out with you.
What?
I can't say that twice with a straight face, but...
Hey, Norm.
Oh, hey, Lori.
I thought you were gonna...
Hey, you're not Lori.
You're the hot one.
Stop!
Yeah, Lori took me to the airport,
and then I missed my flight.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just screwing with my boss.
Whoever keeps putting this chair in my office,
if you would kindly desist!
Thank you.
Jeez.
Oh, what the...
Who did this?
Norm?
It's you, isn't it?
Uh, it's you.
You're the one making that chair chase me around the office?
Listen, I got four words for you, sir.
Lay off the hat.
Norm.
Uh, Norm, I know you did it, Norm.
I know...
I don't know how you did it,
but you did it.
I'm not amused, Norm.
Neither was I amused at my new subscription
to He Bitch magazine.
That was fun!
Oh, my God.
Wait till tomorrow.
I'm gonna have the corpse of his dead cat
chase him around the office.
Oh, I love doing stuff like that.
I bet Lori told you I was no fun at all, didn't she?
Uh, what do you mean?
Oh, I don't know.
Sometimes we say mean things about each other,
but it's just that competitive thing
about being a twin, you know?
We never really got past that.
Could you do me a favor, Norm?
Could you come over to Lori's house with me tonight?
Every time we're alone together,
we just end up arguing.
It would really help if somebody else was there.
I don't know.
I don't want to get in between two twin sisters.
You know, maybe you have a heated discussion,
start getting in a fight.
Maybe, you know, get your shirt ripped.
All right, let's go.
We'll do it.
Wow, I can't believe Lori's not home yet.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Oh, I just read them?
Oh, Lori's in Albany until tomorrow.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, maybe we can do this another time, then.
Well, I don't want to be alone, Norm.
Couldn't you stick around and keep me company
just for a little bit?
We could sit around, watch TV, have a beer.
TV?
Or maybe we could think of something more fun
than watching TV.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Taffy apples?
Well, that depends.
What are we wearing while we're making them?
Oh, well, not these clothes, I'll tell you that.
I'll run home.
I have some smocks that I use for baking and crafts.
Now, you know I'm not talking about taffy apples, right?
Oh, yeah, of course, of course.
Am I talking about smocks, or?
I think you're just pretending.
I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you got me.
I was just pretending, yeah.
It's been my experience that women love a dumb guy.
No, Jamie, Jamie, I can't do this to Lori.
Oh, I know, it's so wrong, Norm.
I can't help myself.
I know.
Damn this musky man scent of mine.
Oh, Norm, Norm, this is one of those things
where if you don't do this right now, tonight,
you're going to wonder what it could have been like
the rest of your life.
Oh, my God, you're right.
I'm wondering already.
This is awful.
It's like torture.
There's only some way I could go back in time
and make this right.
Over here, Norm.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
What if Lori finds out?
Lori's never going to find out.
Come on.
Norm, I got my date with Taylor tonight.
I've been calling you all night long for dating advice.
Where have you been?
Oh, well, you remember when I said
I wasn't going to do anything stupid
and you said I always do something stupid?
Yeah.
Well, it turned out you were right.
God, you had sex with Jamie.
What were you thinking?
Yeah, well, Lori's not going to find out, all right?
And besides, Jamie and I had this great connection, you know?
She said that she never felt like this
with any other dude ever before.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Lori.
How was your trip?
Crazy.
I haven't even been home yet.
I mean, the conference went great,
but I couldn't sleep all night
because I had this weird dream.
I was having sex with some bony high school kid
who didn't know what he was doing.
Hi, kids.
Oh, hey, Jamie.
Jamie, what are you doing here?
Hi, Norm.
Lori, I missed my flight last night,
so I crashed at your place
and I just dropped in to say goodbye.
Do you mind if I use your phone for a second?
Uh, yeah.
Why did you use the phone in the counseling room?
Norm, there's something I've got to tell you.
Yesterday at lunch,
Jamie was going on about dating
and I panicked
and I told her that you were my boyfriend.
You what?
Yeah, I'm sorry I picked you up
as you were homeless Bob
and he was eating a bug out of his beard.
So, you mean she's been thinking
that I'm your boyfriend?
Yeah, I'm sorry I lied.
Listen, I'll be right back.
I've got to get these Albany reports
into Mr. Denby.
Okay, well, my plane's on time,
so I guess I'm taking off.
Yeah, well, you can't leave this office
because giant rabbits
have invaded New York City.
What?
How does it feel like to be tricked?
What are you talking about?
I'm not Lori's boyfriend.
You're not.
And I think you tricked me
into having sex with you
only because you thought
I was Lori's boyfriend.
Well, yeah.
How could you do this to me, Jamie?
I mean, thanks,
and in all the future
I'm going to use this angle
on other competitive sisters,
but how could you do this to me?
What are you two arguing about?
Well, she disagrees,
but I say that they have the flying cars.
They're just not giving them to us.
I'm getting a really weird vibe
between you two.
Oh, my God, the dream.
Did you two sleep together?
Yes, Lori, I had sex with Norm,
and now I've got my eye
on that old guy
that runs the place.
Oh, no, I think, I think,
I think Lori's sister
has a crush on me.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I don't know, I'm being silly.
I know you two didn't sleep together.
Oh, that's all right, sis.
Look, I've got to go, so...
Bye, Norm.
Hi.
I'm sorry I was so paranoid.
I trust you,
but you've got to understand,
in high school,
she slept with all the guys
I ever knew.
See, and get this,
she'd never tell me to my face.
She'd always leave a note.
I know, but that's crazy.
That's my sister.
Well, these reports
are going to keep me here
till midnight.
I'm going to go over to Lori's.
Why?
Because I think
a freaky sister
left her a note.
Let me tell you something, man.
For once,
I would like
to do something really bad
and not get punished for it.
This isn't all
I have planned for tonight.
After dinner,
we're going to go see
the opera at Lincoln Center.
Oh, wow.
That's great.
Those tickets
are impossible to get.
They are?
Hey, guys.
This is great.
I don't have to eat alone.
Uh, well, actually, Artie,
we're on kind of a date here.
Good one, buddy.
No, seriously, Artie.
We're on a date.
Look, if you want me to leave,
you can just say so.
You don't have to make up
some crazy lie.
Why do you find this
so hard to believe, Artie?
Oh, I guess you really
are on a date.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean any disrespect.
Is Danny dying?
All right, I'm going.
I'm going to go home
and shave my head.
So, how do you think
the date's going so far?
Because if I'm doing
anything wrong,
I'd like to know.
That way, I can make
an adjustment during
the course of the date.
For instance,
if what I'm saying right now
is really unnecessary,
you can let me know
by nodding your head
what you're doing,
and I'm stopping.
Danny, would you please relax?
I'm having a nice time,
and I'm out with you
because I want to be out with you.
Okay.
Hey there, Brittany.
Brittany, it's me, Gary.
Brittany?
Look, I don't go by
the name Brittany anymore,
and I'm on a date here,
so would you please
excuse us?
Oh, a date?
Oh, sorry, buddy.
Hey, listen,
can I get your beeper number?
I lost it,
and I could really use
a quick date,
you know what I mean?
Um, excuse me,
she doesn't do that anymore,
and would you please
just leave us alone?
Hey, hey,
I'm talking to the hooker.
Listen, my car's parked
out back,
and maybe we don't...
Danny!
Are you impressed
or horrified?
Impressed.
Definitely impressed.
Oh, my God,
I need a tranquilizer.
I haven't hit anyone
since high school,
and that was
with my mom's car.
Danny,
that's the sweetest thing
anybody's ever done for me.
That was pretty tough,
wasn't I?
You were so brave and tough.
He's getting up!
Quick, run!
Hi, Norm.
Jamie.
Jamie, what are you doing here?
Well, I miss my flight again.
Good lord, woman.
Man, if Buddy Holly
had missed as many flights
as you,
he'd still be alive.
No, Norm,
the truth is
I just decided
to stick around
because I realized
how much I wanted
to see you again.
All right,
hold on.
Those shenanigans
are a slutty McGee.
Oh, Norm.
Norm, come on.
I can't help myself.
You're just so cute,
and wasn't last night amazing?
No, last night
it was a mistake.
We should never have had sex.
Oh, my God.
Jamie,
when you take your wig off,
you'll look just like
your sister, Lori.
I am Lori,
you moron.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Why would you lie to me
at the office today?
Ah, Lori,
you gotta understand,
when somebody asks you
if you had sex
with their sister,
you just say no,
you know?
Especially if you've had sex
with their sister.
Well, great.
So, Jamie did it
to me again.
Yeah, listen, Lori,
I'm really sorry.
I don't know.
I just don't get it.
What is this thing
that she has?
Why do men fall for her?
Is it the skimpy outfits
and the way that she just
throws herself at guys,
or is there some deeper reason
that I just don't understand?
No, you understand perfectly.
There's no deeper meaning.
So, you had sex with my sister
because you're like
all the other guys.
Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
You know, I mean,
there's no other reason,
you know, unless, uh...
No, no, that's it.
Oh, you were thinking something.
No, I wasn't thinking anything.
I was just holding in a burp.
No, you were thinking something.
Norm, I want to know why.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
I want you to tell me why.
I just want to hear it.
That's all.
Norm, tell me why.
All right, I guess maybe
I was curious about you
a little bit.
What?
I don't know.
Maybe I slept with your sister
because I wanted to know
what it would be like
to sleep with you.
Well, that's just...
I don't...
Me?
Yeah, don't take it
the wrong way, Laura.
You know, every man wonders
what it would be like
to sleep with every woman
that he works with, you know.
God says that it's a sin
not to, actually.
So, have you thought about
robbing the copy girl?
No.
No.
Um, what about
marry and purchasing?
No.
How about Taylor?
Oh, yeah.
Everybody thinks about Taylor,
you know.
I mean, you even thought
about Taylor, I'm sure.
No.
No.
But just to get this straight,
so, so, you haven't thought
about all of the women
at the office,
but you have thought
about me.
Yeah, yeah, and Taylor.
Sometimes you and Taylor.
Well, come on, you know,
don't tell me you've never thought
about me that way.
No, I never have.
I asked you not
to tell me that.
Well, okay, I did,
I have thought about you,
but there was this time
when you came in the office
and you had the leather jacket on,
you were wearing those jeans
and you hadn't shaved
and I was like,
oh, my God, I, maybe.
Well, well, well.
So, anyway,
so you thought about me
in that way
and I thought about you,
so, uh,
the way I see it,
we have two choices now.
We can either go
in the bedroom there,
knock one out
and settle this once in a while.
Or we can just pretend
this never happened
and, you know,
play Scrabble or something.
Oh.
Scrabble, excellent.
All right.
Wait, I have my,
I have my lucky Scrabble
boxer shorts on.
Good.
All right.
All right.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Truth is,
I'm, I'm waiting for a signal.
How's this for a signal?
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
I, I said waiting for a signal.
I, I, I wasn't ready for that.
I, I can do much better.
Good night, Danny.
Good night.
Good night, Danny.
Good night.
Good night.

Episode 23   Norm vs The Evil Twin 2000 01 05

I say, Norm, I was looking through your personnel file and it seems that you've
listed me as your
next of kin. Yes, sir. I've also named you beneficiary, sir. That's in case I
die, a cloud
of suspicion will settle upon you, sir. Look, the whole file, it's a mess. You
have to redo it. You
have to redo it right now, Norm. You know, you may have been sentenced here to
community service,
but you have to follow the rules, Norm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I'll do it right
now. In case of
emergency, please call a fireman. Hey, guys. Hi. Did my sister get here yet? No,
not yet. No, no,
because she was supposed to have been here by now. Calm down, Lori. I'm sure we'd
recognize your
identical twin. Oh, here she is. Here she is, Lori. The resemblance is uncanny.
It must be like
looking in the mirror for you when you look at it. That's very, very, very
funny, Norm. I'm sorry
about that, Steve. I mean, Princess Fabulous. Lori, it must be. It must be neat
having a twin. Do you have
that thing where you can feel what the other one's feeling? Yeah, but we kind
of mostly just used it
to torture each other, you know, like if I'd go to sleepaway camp, she'd stick
her hand in a bowl
of warm water. I know how to get even with her, though. When she was having her
senior class picture
taking, I jammed a letter opener into my thigh. Didn't work that time.
Hey, uh, Taylor? Yeah? Uh, remember the other night when I, uh, told you I was
crazy about you
and asked you out? Yeah, Danny. I'm still thinking about it. Oh, oh, good. I
was hoping you were still
thinking about it. And, uh, once again, thank you for your consideration. Hey,
uh, way to play it cool
there, hef. Lay off. This is hard enough as it is. I know it is, buddy. I want
to help you the best I
can. Uh, oh, hey, uh, Taylor. Listen, uh, let me tell you something. If I weren't
straight,
I'd like to get a piece of this.
Xerox delivery for Lori Friedman. Jamie! Oh, Jamie, you look great. How you
doing?
Oh, it's been crazy. Ever since they bumped me to vice president, I've been
trying to decorate this
huge office they gave me. You know what that's like. Or maybe you don't.
Well, it's amazing how fast you've climbed the corporate ladder, Jamie. You're
just, you're,
you're a regular fellatio-alger story.
You're so funny. You were always the funny one.
No, I'm not. Yes, you were. Mom and Dad used to always say,
at least Lori's funny. Yeah, like they always used to tell me,
at least Jamie's not pregnant.
Hey, Lori, aren't you going to introduce me?
Yeah, Norm, this is Jamie. Jamie, this is Norm.
Oh, hey. I've always said that everybody has a twin somewhere in the world.
This proves my theory.
And that's Norm.
So, Jamie's got to get on a plane back to Chicago in about four hours.
We're going to go have some lunch.
Oh, okay. Have a good lunch.
Well, this will be fun. I'll be able to tell you about who I've been seeing.
And you can tell me all about your newest cat.
See, you have this image of me left over from high school,
but things are very different now, Jamie.
I actually have a very healthy social life.
Oh, really? Seeing anyone serious?
As a matter of fact, I am.
I happen to be seeing that man right over there, the one with the beep.
The transmit...
Norm.
Wow. Well, so you've got a steady boyfriend.
Congratulations.
I just want to tell you one thing.
The first time, it's going to hurt a little.
Mom, is that Lori's sister?
Yeah, yeah. She looks just like Lori, except she's hot.
Not that Lori's not hot.
It's just that I respect Lori, and that kind of wrecks it, you know.
Stay away from her, Norm.
I mean, there's a lot of issues between those sisters,
and you don't want to get in the middle of that.
Danny, it would be disrespectful to date Lori's sister.
I'm not going to do anything stupid.
Of course you will. That's what you do.
Hey, I don't like the sound of that.
What are you getting at?
I'm saying you do stupid things all the time.
All right, then.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you had to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Good night, Taylor.
Yes.
Yes what?
Yes, I'll go out with you.
Oh, that's awesome!
Okay, well, now all you have to do is wait for my decision.
Oh, okay.
Yes, yes is my decision, too.
Yeah.
Isn't it great when things work out like that?
Yeah.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Taylor said yes, huh?
Yes!
I can't believe it!
She's so far out of my league!
Listen, Danny, I'm getting tired of this talk.
Let me tell you something.
Taylor is lucky to be going out with you.
What?
I can't say that twice with a straight face, but...
Hey, Norm.
Oh, hey, Lori.
I thought you were gonna...
Hey, you're not Lori.
You're the hot one.
Stop!
Yeah, Lori took me to the airport,
and then I missed my flight.
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just screwing with my boss.
Whoever keeps putting this chair in my office,
if you would kindly desist!
Thank you.
Jeez.
Oh, what the...
Who did this?
Norm?
It's you, isn't it?
Uh, it's you.
You're the one making that chair chase me around the office?
Listen, I got four words for you, sir.
Lay off the hat.
Norm.
Uh, Norm, I know you did it, Norm.
I know...
I don't know how you did it,
but you did it.
I'm not amused, Norm.
Neither was I amused at my new subscription
to He Bitch magazine.
That was fun!
Oh, my God.
Wait till tomorrow.
I'm gonna have the corpse of his dead cat
chase him around the office.
Oh, I love doing stuff like that.
I bet Lori told you I was no fun at all, didn't she?
Uh, what do you mean?
Oh, I don't know.
Sometimes we say mean things about each other,
but it's just that competitive thing
about being a twin, you know?
We never really got past that.
Could you do me a favor, Norm?
Could you come over to Lori's house with me tonight?
Every time we're alone together,
we just end up arguing.
It would really help if somebody else was there.
I don't know.
I don't want to get in between two twin sisters.
You know, maybe you have a heated discussion,
start getting in a fight.
Maybe, you know, get your shirt ripped.
All right, let's go.
We'll do it.
Wow, I can't believe Lori's not home yet.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Oh, I just read them?
Oh, Lori's in Albany until tomorrow.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, maybe we can do this another time, then.
Well, I don't want to be alone, Norm.
Couldn't you stick around and keep me company
just for a little bit?
We could sit around, watch TV, have a beer.
TV?
Or maybe we could think of something more fun
than watching TV.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Taffy apples?
Well, that depends.
What are we wearing while we're making them?
Oh, well, not these clothes, I'll tell you that.
I'll run home.
I have some smocks that I use for baking and crafts.
Now, you know I'm not talking about taffy apples, right?
Oh, yeah, of course, of course.
Am I talking about smocks, or?
I think you're just pretending.
I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh, yeah, yeah, you got me.
I was just pretending, yeah.
It's been my experience that women love a dumb guy.
No, Jamie, Jamie, I can't do this to Lori.
Oh, I know, it's so wrong, Norm.
I can't help myself.
I know.
Damn this musky man scent of mine.
Oh, Norm, Norm, this is one of those things
where if you don't do this right now, tonight,
you're going to wonder what it could have been like
the rest of your life.
Oh, my God, you're right.
I'm wondering already.
This is awful.
It's like torture.
There's only some way I could go back in time
and make this right.
Over here, Norm.
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
What if Lori finds out?
Lori's never going to find out.
Come on.
Norm, I got my date with Taylor tonight.
I've been calling you all night long for dating advice.
Where have you been?
Oh, well, you remember when I said
I wasn't going to do anything stupid
and you said I always do something stupid?
Yeah.
Well, it turned out you were right.
God, you had sex with Jamie.
What were you thinking?
Yeah, well, Lori's not going to find out, all right?
And besides, Jamie and I had this great connection, you know?
She said that she never felt like this
with any other dude ever before.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Lori.
How was your trip?
Crazy.
I haven't even been home yet.
I mean, the conference went great,
but I couldn't sleep all night
because I had this weird dream.
I was having sex with some bony high school kid
who didn't know what he was doing.
Hi, kids.
Oh, hey, Jamie.
Jamie, what are you doing here?
Hi, Norm.
Lori, I missed my flight last night,
so I crashed at your place
and I just dropped in to say goodbye.
Do you mind if I use your phone for a second?
Uh, yeah.
Why did you use the phone in the counseling room?
Norm, there's something I've got to tell you.
Yesterday at lunch,
Jamie was going on about dating
and I panicked
and I told her that you were my boyfriend.
You what?
Yeah, I'm sorry I picked you up
as you were homeless Bob
and he was eating a bug out of his beard.
So, you mean she's been thinking
that I'm your boyfriend?
Yeah, I'm sorry I lied.
Listen, I'll be right back.
I've got to get these Albany reports
into Mr. Denby.
Okay, well, my plane's on time,
so I guess I'm taking off.
Yeah, well, you can't leave this office
because giant rabbits
have invaded New York City.
What?
How does it feel like to be tricked?
What are you talking about?
I'm not Lori's boyfriend.
You're not.
And I think you tricked me
into having sex with you
only because you thought
I was Lori's boyfriend.
Well, yeah.
How could you do this to me, Jamie?
I mean, thanks,
and in all the future
I'm going to use this angle
on other competitive sisters,
but how could you do this to me?
What are you two arguing about?
Well, she disagrees,
but I say that they have the flying cars.
They're just not giving them to us.
I'm getting a really weird vibe
between you two.
Oh, my God, the dream.
Did you two sleep together?
Yes, Lori, I had sex with Norm,
and now I've got my eye
on that old guy
that runs the place.
Oh, no, I think, I think,
I think Lori's sister
has a crush on me.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I don't know, I'm being silly.
I know you two didn't sleep together.
Oh, that's all right, sis.
Look, I've got to go, so...
Bye, Norm.
Hi.
I'm sorry I was so paranoid.
I trust you,
but you've got to understand,
in high school,
she slept with all the guys
I ever knew.
See, and get this,
she'd never tell me to my face.
She'd always leave a note.
I know, but that's crazy.
That's my sister.
Well, these reports
are going to keep me here
till midnight.
I'm going to go over to Lori's.
Why?
Because I think
a freaky sister
left her a note.
Let me tell you something, man.
For once,
I would like
to do something really bad
and not get punished for it.
This isn't all
I have planned for tonight.
After dinner,
we're going to go see
the opera at Lincoln Center.
Oh, wow.
That's great.
Those tickets
are impossible to get.
They are?
Hey, guys.
This is great.
I don't have to eat alone.
Uh, well, actually, Artie,
we're on kind of a date here.
Good one, buddy.
No, seriously, Artie.
We're on a date.
Look, if you want me to leave,
you can just say so.
You don't have to make up
some crazy lie.
Why do you find this
so hard to believe, Artie?
Oh, I guess you really
are on a date.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean any disrespect.
Is Danny dying?
All right, I'm going.
I'm going to go home
and shave my head.
So, how do you think
the date's going so far?
Because if I'm doing
anything wrong,
I'd like to know.
That way, I can make
an adjustment during
the course of the date.
For instance,
if what I'm saying right now
is really unnecessary,
you can let me know
by nodding your head
what you're doing,
and I'm stopping.
Danny, would you please relax?
I'm having a nice time,
and I'm out with you
because I want to be out with you.
Okay.
Hey there, Brittany.
Brittany, it's me, Gary.
Brittany?
Look, I don't go by
the name Brittany anymore,
and I'm on a date here,
so would you please
excuse us?
Oh, a date