Name: Episode 24 The Oldest Profession 2000 01 19
Uploaded: 2022-05-31T05:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 24 The Oldest Profession 2000 01 19' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-31. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 24 The Oldest Profession 2000 01 19' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-31. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Hi. Oh, okay, so we want, um...
One large pepperoni...
One large pepperoni...
...with mushrooms and onions...
...with mushrooms and onions...
...extra cheese and I love you.
...and I love you.
No, no, I don't love you.
Just, just bring the pizza.
Well, I don't know why I don't love you.
I just don't.
Well, since Norm's cable TV got disconnected again,
we get to watch Norm's only video,
"Emmanuel" slash "Fredo's Death in Godfather II"
slash "Horseshack's Wedding."
Hold it, I got something better.
I already, uh, rigged this up for me.
He put a hidden video in Denby's apartment.
Watch this.
Where's my rent, dirtbag?
Where's my rent?
Hey, where's my hug?
I'm tired of your games, Henderson.
You're three months behind.
I've tried everything else.
So until I get paid, I'm moving in.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hold on there, landlady, if that's your real name.
I thought I already explained to you that I wanted to pay my rent all at once
for the whole year up front.
I even gave you that deposit.
You gave me a check for 20 bucks.
Oh, also, uh, could you not cash that for a couple weeks?
I want all my money, and I want it now.
Wait a minute.
You can't just move into a tenant's apartment.
There's rules, you know.
Here's a rule.
Shut your damn mouth.
Okay, landlady, well, uh, I'll tell you what, you're welcome to stay here.
But I gotta tell you, I enjoy running around my apartment naked.
That makes two of us.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Okay, William, now, I know you're incredibly shy, but you can't be shy when the
employment
dude gets here, all right?
So say it strong, say it proud.
What do you need to get this job?
What?
I can't hear you, William.
The eye of the tiger, exactly.
Ah, Norm, they told me I'd find you here.
Mr. Demby, what are you doing here?
When I found out, I had to rush right over.
You're doing social work as a community service.
You're not qualified to take any of our clients on job interviews.
Mr. Demby, I can't let William go out on a job interview by himself.
The man's a freak.
No, you're not, man.
You're a great guy.
God's sake, Norm.
For God's sake, you're not qualified for this.
How can he get a job?
The man can't even speak.
Sir, that's heartless of you.
It's not our job to undermine our client's self-confidence like that.
It's our job to get him a job and make him somebody else's problem.
I want him to leave. He's making me nervous.
What is he saying?
He wants you to leave, sir.
All right, I'm not going to take that personally.
I'll wait for you back in the office in the sincere hope that the interview
ends in success, Norm.
Whack job.
Hey, thanks for coming in.
I'm Mr. Jacobs.
Oh, hi.
First, I'd like to say that this employment agency takes pride in helping
people like William get back into the workforce.
So, William, have you ever had any problems with drugs or alcohol?
In high school, I smoked a little pot and did a little acid.
I got addicted to crack cocaine for a while.
But I cleaned up the first time to be in jail.
He says no.
Well, let's see.
Hey, we have a listing here for a driver job.
Pays $20 an hour.
$20 an hour?
Wow.
With a job like that, a fella could pay his rent off and get his landlady out
of his apartment.
Different fella, not me.
The driver's driving the night shift at the Supreme Modeling Agency.
Night shift?
Wow, so you're saying a fella could drive models around at night and still keep
his day job there?
Let's say, a social service agency?
Again, a different fella.
Normally, you're gonna steal this job from me, aren't you?
What's that, William?
Oh, no, no, William.
No, I don't think the voices in your head will stop if you stab Mr. Jacobs here.
Hello, can I interest you in our delightful array of Lori Jo personal care
products?
Oh, well, tell me you're pushing that crap now.
Last week, it was the coffee-flavored cheese snacks.
Cappuccitos.
What's that you say?
Your feminine needs are taken care of?
Well, think again.
Imagine being the envy of all your friends as your peaches and cream complexion
wins the hearts of many.
I'd love to help you, Artie. I'm not buying any of that stuff.
I'll tell you what. Take three products for free. If you like them, tell the
rest of the office.
All right. Well, then I'll tie the, uh, face mask. And what's this?
Oh, I'm not sure. That either goes on your eyes or nowhere near your eyes.
I'll tell you what. Put some in your eyes. If it stings, stop.
Uh, hello. Can I interest you in our delightful array of Lori Jo personal care
products?
How about I just give you a dollar to go away?
Deal.
Another happy customer!
Hey, uh, Taylor. Um, uh, I have a huge surprise for our date on, uh, Saturday.
I'm taking you to La Cirque for dinner.
Oh, that sounds great. What's a surprise?
Damn!
Hey, what took so long? What happened? Did William get the driving job?
Oh, uh, no. Well, no. William didn't get the job, but somebody else did. I'll
give you a hint.
It was me. I got the job.
I'm gonna be a driver for Supreme Modeling Agency.
You stole the job from William?
Well, I needed to pay the rent. Besides which, I got William a much better job.
A job suited more to his, you know, capabilities.
What's the job?
Norm, did you tell William he could be my new assistant?
What is he saying?
Somebody please tell me what he's saying.
Everybody, listen.
Mr. Denby here gave William,
who hasn't had a job in six months,
a job as his personal assistant.
Let's hear it.
Denby, Denby, Denby, Denby, Denby.
Damn you, Norm.
This ploy of yours wouldn't stand the chance
if I weren't so starved for love.
Okay, the new driver trainee's gonna be here any minute.
He's gonna take you home tonight, so be nice to him.
Hey, Lance, you're not gonna believe what happened.
The guy I was with last night didn't know I was a hooker.
He actually thought he hired a model.
What kind of idiot thinks a real modeling agency
delivers models in the middle of the night?
Hi, I'm Norm.
Hello, modders.
Hey, when we're together,
you can just call them the girls.
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No indifference to what they do for a living,
I insist on calling you models.
Oh, thanks, cutie.
You know, at the end of the night,
instead of tipping you, we could just have sex.
Holy Lord, God.
My mom always said it pays to be polite.
Hey, you girls have a good session,
and remember, smile.
Oh, I know.
Now, Norm,
first thing you've got to remember is
you can get in a whole lot of trouble
driving around hookers.
Oh, well, don't worry about that.
I won't pick up any hookers.
That's not too practical.
How are they gonna get home?
Well, you know, I can't worry about everybody.
Wait a minute.
The models are hookers, aren't they?
The models are hookers.
You like to process your information slowly.
I admire that.
Now, listen, Lance,
I need the money and everything,
but I can't do this,
so just pull over and let me out, would you?
Hey, listen, hold on.
I don't blame you one bit.
It's a seamy business.
That's why I'm working on something else,
something that's gonna be big.
Oh, yeah?
You got something going on?
Yeah, it's gonna pay $2,000 an hour,
but I'm not sure you're right for it.
$2,000 an hour?
Is it a candy tester?
That would be excellent.
No, no, no, no.
Something much more respectable.
Male prostitution.
Oh, male prostitution.
Yeah, well,
you're really doing the Lord's work there, buddy.
Good luck to you.
No, no, no, no.
This is real classic.
Yeah, you'd be perfect for it.
I'm talking about high-powered,
attractive businesswomen
who don't have time for romantic entanglements.
Yeah, you could start working Friday night
if you're interested.
All you gotta do
is take this lovely lady
down to this French embassy party.
Little champagne,
little dancing,
little slap and tickle,
and you're on your way.
Well, $2,000 is a lot.
You know, I could pay off my landlady with that,
and I'd still have money left over.
You know, I could put in one of those,
what do you call it?
A bank.
You think about it.
I'll call you later.
Well, I don't have to think about it there, Lance.
You know, I just can't do it.
It's completely against my principles.
Oh, by the way,
uh, are those girls still gonna have sex with me, or?
So this is for 10 points.
If you were invisible,
would you go to the movies every day for free?
Absolutely not.
You wouldn't?
No.
No, if I were invisible,
I would make it look like Wiener Dog were flying.
Can you imagine standing in the bank line,
and, well, Wiener Dog's flying by.
Well, if you're invisible,
why wouldn't you just walk into the bank vault
and take all the money?
Because everybody knows
if you use your invisibility for evil,
you lose it.
Of course.
Of course.
You know, uh, Laurie,
I've been, uh, noticing you look great tonight.
Really?
Yeah.
It's that, uh, Laurie Jo face cream
that Artie gave me.
Yeah, yeah, you look rested and healthy.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't look like life's been dragging you down anymore.
Okay.
Yeah, those spidery veins in your nose
that make you look like a drunk
are almost gone.
All right, you've had your fun.
Need I remind you that I know
that one of you two needs to read
Good Night, Moon every night
before you go to sleep.
Okay, sorry, never mind.
All right, my turn.
Uh, if you were offered $2,000,
which would help you pay your back rent,
would you become a male prostitute?
Laurie.
Uh, wait, am I pretending,
or do I really have a penis?
Oh.
Of course you have a penis.
Ha, may I add,
it is quite spectacular.
Wait a minute.
Let me see this.
This says,
if your child was starving,
would you steal a quart of milk?
Whatever, I paraphrased.
What's going on?
I don't know.
It's just that, uh, this guy,
uh, remember I was driving
for that model agency?
The driver asked me
if I wanted to be a male escort
for $2,000.
I said no,
but I just wanted to know
what you guys thought.
Well, I think you made
the right decision.
Yeah, it's morally wrong.
Plus, you know,
I don't know how you're going
to sell something
you couldn't give away for free.
Yeah, well,
I'll go tell the guy
that that's my decision,
then.
Wienerdoc,
you can take my place
in the game.
You'll have to read
the questions to him,
but don't make a big deal
out of him.
He gets embarrassed,
all right.
Hey, landlady.
I still want my rent.
Oh.
Oh, this Denby show
was a hoot.
Oh, didn't he?
You've done it again.
Oh, hey, Lance.
Hey, listen, it's Norm.
Listen, I've been thinking
about your offer there,
and no, I'm not going to be
one of your male escorts there.
Hey, Henderson,
have you seen my panties?
I was washing them
in the sink.
I changed my mind.
I'll do it.
Uh, excuse me,
Jennifer Love Hewitt?
Oh, my goodness, Carol,
is that you?
Since you've been using
the Be Mine blush,
you look 18 and stacked.
Artie?
Look what you did.
I used your moisture cream,
and now I don't have
any eyebrows.
It's funny.
You sound angry,
but you don't look angry.
Because I don't have
any eyebrows!
I'm going to sew
the Rochester big and tall
pants right off you.
Okay, all right.
So maybe the stuff
made your eyebrows fall off,
but on the upside,
it got rid of
that little mustache you had.
Get out of here.
I'm going to run downstairs
and get myself
an eyebrow pencil.
Oh, my God.
I've got to find a man
with a good job,
a great sense of humor,
and no eyebrows.
Taylor?
Uh, since I blew
your last surprise,
I have a new surprise,
and we're not going
to Le Cirque.
Oh, okay.
What's a surprise?
Uh, we're going
to Tavern on the Green.
Ah, well, ah, yeah,
you got me there,
but that's not the surprise.
Okay.
So, what is a surprise?
Afterwards,
we were taking
a carriage ride.
Ah, hell.
Uh, beg your pardon,
is Norm around?
Uh, no, he, uh,
he left early.
Okay, if he shows up,
uh, can you tell him
to wear a cummerbund
on his date tonight
at the Pace and Arms Hotel?
The occasion is formal.
Hey, Red, uh,
that's some beautiful hair.
I know a guy in Korea
who will buy
all you can grow.
Okay, then, bye.
Wow, what was that
all about?
I tried to talk him
out of it, but I guess
Norm's going to be
a male party girl.
What?
Yeah, that guy said
that he could make
a lot of money
as a male escort,
so I guess he's got
a date tonight
at the Pace and Arms.
Oh, my God,
is this his first one?
Do you think
he's done anything yet?
Well, uh,
based on Norm's
locker room bragging,
he'll probably be finished
before he gets there.
I've got to go.
Oh, the cookies are,
they're lovely, William.
Thank you.
Thank you for making
them for me.
Well, they're not
a super recipe,
but I used to like
to add a little bit
and nothing.
I can't hear
what you're saying,
William.
Why don't you, uh,
why don't you
write it down?
Why do you write
so small, William?
I can't read this.
I can't read it.
Sorry.
Oh, gee,
I'm sorry, Laurie.
It just drives me crazy.
No, I know.
I understand, Mr. Denbius.
Well, I'm trying.
I'm trying, Laurie.
It's just,
it's frustrating.
No, no judgment here.
Well, don't,
I, you, look,
I, don't patronize me.
I can see by your face
you're enraged.
No, I'm not mad.
I'm not mad,
Mr. Denbius.
I don't have any eyebrows.
Look, look,
I lost a toe in the war.
You don't hear me
bitching about a deal.
You must be Norm.
Mrs. Beaumont, I presume.
Well, you certainly
do look beautiful tonight.
You put me in mind
of a,
of a young
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Well, my compliments
to the agency.
You're a very handsome
young man.
Oh, well, thank you.
And I,
I'm looking forward
to a lovely evening.
Well, so am I.
Take off your pants.
Well, now,
come on now,
Mrs. Beaumont.
I, you know,
I, I really want
to get downstairs
to the embassy party there.
I, I don't want
to miss the ambassador.
Well, neither do I.
Why don't you whip out
the ambassador
and we'll both get to know him?
Oh,
Oh, and now,
Mrs. Beaumont,
you're being a little,
what's the word,
grotesque?
Oh, come on.
I want you to see heaven
and I'm going to see
either the ceiling
or the pillows.
That'll be your choice.
Oh, come on now,
Mrs. Beaumont.
The night is young
and so are,
you know,
half of us,
so, uh,
how about, uh,
what do you say
to some dancing, huh?
Oh, good idea.
Dance for me.
What?
Go on.
Shake what gun?
Give ya.
By the way,
are you shaved
or am I going to
have to do that?
Good God,
what kind of woman
are you?
Oh, crap.
Hold on a second.
Who the hell are you?
Oh, Taylor.
Norm, you don't know
what you're doing.
Oh, you got that right.
He seems to think
I'm interested
in hearing him talk.
Okay, Norm,
get your stuff.
We're going.
No, no.
He's not going with you,
sister.
I paid for him.
You can have
what's left
when I'm done.
Good God,
what kind of woman
is she?
Yeah, that's what
I keep asking.
She's not a regular
lady at all.
All right,
that's enough.
Enough is enough.
I'm going down
to the reception.
I'll be back
in 20 minutes
with the waiter.
I want both of you gone.
Taylor,
you see what you did?
You spooked it
and it ran away.
Now I'm going to have
to go after it.
Norm,
you can't sell yourself
for money.
This is bad
for your soul.
Yeah, well,
I'm only doing it once,
you know,
to pay the rent.
Norm,
do you remember
when I was hooking?
You looked me in the eye
and you said something
that I'll never forget.
You said you're
a huge whore.
Well,
not if you just
do it once, though,
you know?
That's what you
tell yourself.
Once you do it,
you cross a line
and the next time
it just seems easier
to do.
And even after you quit,
it takes a long time
to feel good
about yourself again.
I mean,
I'm just starting
to untangle
my feelings
and date normally
and it's been
over a year.
She scared me.
I know she did.
She's gone now.
Also,
my thong hurts.
She's gone now.
She's gone now.

Episode 24   The Oldest Profession 2000 01 19

Hi. Oh, okay, so we want, um...
One large pepperoni...
One large pepperoni...
...with mushrooms and onions...
...with mushrooms and onions...
...extra cheese and I love you.
...and I love you.
No, no, I don't love you.
Just, just bring the pizza.
Well, I don't know why I don't love you.
I just don't.
Well, since Norm's cable TV got disconnected again,
we get to watch Norm's only video,
"Emmanuel" slash "Fredo's Death in Godfather II"
slash "Horseshack's Wedding."
Hold it, I got something better.
I already, uh, rigged this up for me.
He put a hidden video in Denby's apartment.
Watch this.
Where's my rent, dirtbag?
Where's my rent?
Hey, where's my hug?
I'm tired of your games, Henderson.
You're three months behind.
I've tried everything else.
So until I get paid, I'm moving in.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hold on there, landlady, if that's your real name.
I thought I already explained to you that I wanted to pay my rent all at once
for the whole year up front.
I even gave you that deposit.
You gave me a check for 20 bucks.
Oh, also, uh, could you not cash that for a couple weeks?
I want all my money, and I want it now.
Wait a minute.
You can't just move into a tenant's apartment.
There's rules, you know.
Here's a rule.
Shut your damn mouth.
Okay, landlady, well, uh, I'll tell you what, you're welcome to stay here.
But I gotta tell you, I enjoy running around my apartment naked.
That makes two of us.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Okay, William, now, I know you're incredibly shy, but you can't be shy when the
employment
dude gets here, all right?
So say it strong, say it proud.
What do you need to get this job?
What?
I can't hear you, William.
The eye of the tiger, exactly.
Ah, Norm, they told me I'd find you here.
Mr. Demby, what are you doing here?
When I found out, I had to rush right over.
You're doing social work as a community service.
You're not qualified to take any of our clients on job interviews.
Mr. Demby, I can't let William go out on a job interview by himself.
The man's a freak.
No, you're not, man.
You're a great guy.
God's sake, Norm.
For God's sake, you're not qualified for this.
How can he get a job?
The man can't even speak.
Sir, that's heartless of you.
It's not our job to undermine our client's self-confidence like that.
It's our job to get him a job and make him somebody else's problem.
I want him to leave. He's making me nervous.
What is he saying?
He wants you to leave, sir.
All right, I'm not going to take that personally.
I'll wait for you back in the office in the sincere hope that the interview
ends in success, Norm.
Whack job.
Hey, thanks for coming in.
I'm Mr. Jacobs.
Oh, hi.
First, I'd like to say that this employment agency takes pride in helping
people like William get back into the workforce.
So, William, have you ever had any problems with drugs or alcohol?
In high school, I smoked a little pot and did a little acid.
I got addicted to crack cocaine for a while.
But I cleaned up the first time to be in jail.
He says no.
Well, let's see.
Hey, we have a listing here for a driver job.
Pays $20 an hour.
$20 an hour?
Wow.
With a job like that, a fella could pay his rent off and get his landlady out
of his apartment.
Different fella, not me.
The driver's driving the night shift at the Supreme Modeling Agency.
Night shift?
Wow, so you're saying a fella could drive models around at night and still keep
his day job there?
Let's say, a social service agency?
Again, a different fella.
Normally, you're gonna steal this job from me, aren't you?
What's that, William?
Oh, no, no, William.
No, I don't think the voices in your head will stop if you stab Mr. Jacobs here.
Hello, can I interest you in our delightful array of Lori Jo personal care
products?
Oh, well, tell me you're pushing that crap now.
Last week, it was the coffee-flavored cheese snacks.
Cappuccitos.
What's that you say?
Your feminine needs are taken care of?
Well, think again.
Imagine being the envy of all your friends as your peaches and cream complexion
wins the hearts of many.
I'd love to help you, Artie. I'm not buying any of that stuff.
I'll tell you what. Take three products for free. If you like them, tell the
rest of the office.
All right. Well, then I'll tie the, uh, face mask. And what's this?
Oh, I'm not sure. That either goes on your eyes or nowhere near your eyes.
I'll tell you what. Put some in your eyes. If it stings, stop.
Uh, hello. Can I interest you in our delightful array of Lori Jo personal care
products?
How about I just give you a dollar to go away?
Deal.
Another happy customer!
Hey, uh, Taylor. Um, uh, I have a huge surprise for our date on, uh, Saturday.
I'm taking you to La Cirque for dinner.
Oh, that sounds great. What's a surprise?
Damn!
Hey, what took so long? What happened? Did William get the driving job?
Oh, uh, no. Well, no. William didn't get the job, but somebody else did. I'll
give you a hint.
It was me. I got the job.
I'm gonna be a driver for Supreme Modeling Agency.
You stole the job from William?
Well, I needed to pay the rent. Besides which, I got William a much better job.
A job suited more to his, you know, capabilities.
What's the job?
Norm, did you tell William he could be my new assistant?
What is he saying?
Somebody please tell me what he's saying.
Everybody, listen.
Mr. Denby here gave William,
who hasn't had a job in six months,
a job as his personal assistant.
Let's hear it.
Denby, Denby, Denby, Denby, Denby.
Damn you, Norm.
This ploy of yours wouldn't stand the chance
if I weren't so starved for love.
Okay, the new driver trainee's gonna be here any minute.
He's gonna take you home tonight, so be nice to him.
Hey, Lance, you're not gonna believe what happened.
The guy I was with last night didn't know I was a hooker.
He actually thought he hired a model.
What kind of idiot thinks a real modeling agency
delivers models in the middle of the night?
Hi, I'm Norm.
Hello, modders.
Hey, when we're together,
you can just call them the girls.
Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No indifference to what they do for a living,
I insist on calling you models.
Oh, thanks, cutie.
You know, at the end of the night,
instead of tipping you, we could just have sex.
Holy Lord, God.
My mom always said it pays to be polite.
Hey, you girls have a good session,
and remember, smile.
Oh, I know.
Now, Norm,
first thing you've got to remember is
you can get in a whole lot of trouble
driving around hookers.
Oh, well, don't worry about that.
I won't pick up any hookers.
That's not too practical.
How are they gonna get home?
Well, you know, I can't worry about everybody.
Wait a minute.
The models are hookers, aren't they?
The models are hookers.
You like to process your information slowly.
I admire that.
Now, listen, Lance,
I need the money and everything,
but I can't do this,
so just pull over and let me out, would you?
Hey, listen, hold on.
I don't blame you one bit.
It's a seamy business.
That's why I'm working on something else,
something that's gonna be big.
Oh, yeah?
You got something going on?
Yeah, it's gonna pay $2,000 an hour,
but I'm not sure you're right for it.
$2,000 an hour?
Is it a candy tester?
That would be excellent.
No, no, no, no.
Something much more respectable.
Male prostitution.
Oh, male prostitution.
Yeah, well,
you're really doing the Lord's work there, buddy.
Good luck to you.
No, no, no, no.
This is real classic.
Yeah, you'd be perfect for it.
I'm talking about high-powered,
attractive businesswomen
who don't have time for romantic entanglements.
Yeah, you could start working Friday night
if you're interested.
All you gotta do
is take this lovely lady
down to this French embassy party.
Little champagne,
little dancing,
little slap and tickle,
and you're on your way.
Well, $2,000 is a lot.
You know, I could pay off my landlady with that,
and I'd still have money left over.
You know, I could put in one of those,
what do you call it?
A bank.
You think about it.
I'll call you later.
Well, I don't have to think about it there, Lance.
You know, I just can't do it.
It's completely against my principles.
Oh, by the way,
uh, are those girls still gonna have sex with me, or?
So this is for 10 points.
If you were invisible,
would you go to the movies every day for free?
Absolutely not.
You wouldn't?
No.
No, if I were invisible,
I would make it look like Wiener Dog were flying.
Can you imagine standing in the bank line,
and, well, Wiener Dog's flying by.
Well, if you're invisible,
why wouldn't you just walk into the bank vault
and take all the money?
Because everybody knows
if you use your invisibility for evil,
you lose it.
Of course.
Of course.
You know, uh, Laurie,
I've been, uh, noticing you look great tonight.
Really?
Yeah.
It's that, uh, Laurie Jo face cream
that Artie gave me.
Yeah, yeah, you look rested and healthy.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't look like life's been dragging you down anymore.
Okay.
Yeah, those spidery veins in your nose
that make you look like a drunk
are almost gone.
All right, you've had your fun.
Need I remind you that I know
that one of you two needs to read
Good Night, Moon every night
before you go to sleep.
Okay, sorry, never mind.
All right, my turn.
Uh, if you were offered $2,000,
which would help you pay your back rent,
would you become a male prostitute?
Laurie.
Uh, wait, am I pretending,
or do I really have a penis?
Oh.
Of course you have a penis.
Ha, may I add,
it is quite spectacular.
Wait a minute.
Let me see this.
This says,
if your child was starving,
would you steal a quart of milk?
Whatever, I paraphrased.
What's going on?
I don't know.
It's just that, uh, this guy,
uh, remember I was driving
for that model agency?
The driver asked me
if I wanted to be a male escort
for $2,000.
I said no,
but I just wanted to know
what you guys thought.
Well, I think you made
the right decision.
Yeah, it's morally wrong.
Plus, you know,
I don't know how you're going
to sell something
you couldn't give away for free.
Yeah, well,
I'll go tell the guy
that that's my decision,
then.
Wienerdoc,
you can take my place
in the game.
You'll have to read
the questions to him,
but don't make a big deal
out of him.
He gets embarrassed,
all right.
Hey, landlady.
I still want my rent.
Oh.
Oh, this Denby show
was a hoot.
Oh, didn't he?
You've done it again.
Oh, hey, Lance.
Hey, listen, it's Norm.
Listen, I've been thinking
about your offer there,
and no, I'm not going to be
one of your male escorts there.
Hey, Henderson,
have you seen my panties?
I was washing them
in the sink.
I changed my mind.
I'll do it.
Uh, excuse me,
Jennifer Love Hewitt?
Oh, my goodness, Carol,
is that you?
Since you've been using
the Be Mine blush,
you look 18 and stacked.
Artie?
Look what you did.
I used your moisture cream,
and now I don't have
any eyebrows.
It's funny.
You sound angry,
but you don't look angry.
Because I don't have
any eyebrows!
I'm going to sew
the Rochester big and tall
pants right off you.
Okay, all right.
So maybe the stuff
made your eyebrows fall off,
but on the upside,
it got rid of
that little mustache you had.
Get out of here.
I'm going to run downstairs
and get myself
an eyebrow pencil.
Oh, my God.
I've got to find a man
with a good job,
a great sense of humor,
and no eyebrows.
Taylor?
Uh, since I blew
your last surprise,
I have a new surprise,
and we're not going
to Le Cirque.
Oh, okay.
What's a surprise?
Uh, we're going
to Tavern on the Green.
Ah, well, ah, yeah,
you got me there,
but that's not the surprise.
Okay.
So, what is a surprise?
Afterwards,
we were taking
a carriage ride.
Ah, hell.
Uh, beg your pardon,
is Norm around?
Uh, no, he, uh,
he left early.
Okay, if he shows up,
uh, can you tell him
to wear a cummerbund
on his date tonight
at the Pace and Arms Hotel?
The occasion is formal.
Hey, Red, 