Name: Episode 26 Norm vs Fitz 2000 02 09
Uploaded: 2022-06-02T05:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 26 Norm vs Fitz 2000 02 09' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-02. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 26 Norm vs Fitz 2000 02 09' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-02. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Where's Norm?
He got a speeding ticket yesterday
driving the Meals on Wheels van,
and, uh, he paid off a cup.
He paid off a cup with 200 pounds
of imitation Salisbury steak.
Uh, Norm's not here.
He had an emergency.
You bullpucky. Look, I'm--
When Norm gets back, I'm gonna lay down the law.
The old Denby's gone. Now he's gone forever.
New Denby's here now.
Stronger, tougher, stricter than old Denby.
Coming soon, robo-Denby.
You should be frightened.
You should all be frightened.
Even old Denby.
Even old Denby's frightened of new Denby.
What? What are you laughing at?
Well, I-- probably not what you intended, sir,
but I find new Denby hilarious.
Well, he's not. He's-- he's not what I--
he's not what I hoped he'd be.
So, where is Norm?
He's hanging out with Jenny again.
Why is he still chasing her?
She's engaged to a millionaire.
Norm thinks that if Jenny gets to really know him,
she'll fall in love with him.
That's flawed in so many ways.
No, no. It's a good plan.
And he's keeping her creepy fiancé off track
by pretending that they're gal pals.
Oh, my God, Jenny.
We ate so much ice cream today.
I swear to God, instead of eating it,
I should have just applied it directly to my thighs.
Uh, hey, guys. Sorry we're late.
We were just at the mall shopping and gossiping and whatnot.
Norm has been so great.
He knows I've been going crazy waiting to hear
if I got into vet school,
so he took me out shopping to keep my mind off of it.
God, veterinary school. Isn't that hard to get into?
It's really hard.
They only take the top 10%,
so, uh, I probably won't get in.
Hey, hey. I don't want to hear that.
Listen, if you want to realize your dreams,
you can realize them.
All you have to do is work hard, persevere,
and, uh, carefully distribute sexual favors.
Oh, so that's how you had a professional career in hockey.
No. I didn't work hard.
Well, this is really cool. Can I try it on?
I don't know. It's Norm's. Ask him.
No, you may not. You'll stretch it.
Hey, uh, listen, Norm.
You want to go down to the bar and get a drink?
Oh, no, no. I can't, you know.
I haven't worked here all day yet,
and, uh, you know, I always feel bad
if I can't help these poor, desperate people.
I'm just joking. We can go. Let's go.
No, no, no, Norm. No, really.
No, you better not,
because Dan B. was looking for you all day.
Oh, well, all right.
Uh, I'll do a little bit of work around here,
and then I'll meet you down there, all right?
Okay. See ya.
Mmm.
So, how's it going?
Oh, it's going great. She's really starting to open up to me, you know?
Yeah?
Oh, my God. Yesterday, she told me the most moving story about her mother.
You know, or maybe it was her grandmother. I don't know. It's a lot of this,
you know?
I don't know, Norm. I don't know, Norm. I mean, you better pick up the pace.
I mean, she's marrying Kevin in just two weeks.
Oh, yeah? Are you kidding me? She's not gonna marry that loser.
This guy's gonna be tough to beat, Norm. He's got so much more than you,
like a wallet and two shirts.
Yeah, yeah, you're right, Norm.
You know, maybe it's time to go into phase two of my plan. You know, now that I've
gained her trust, I'm gonna start giving her deliberately bad advice, and then
I'll ruin her relationship with this Kevin character.
Actually, Norm, any advice you give would do that.
Rock and roll.
Ah, ah, Norm. It is Norm, isn't it?
The joke being, I don't recognize you because since you've been absent so much
of late.
Ah, sir, your humor always cuts me to the quick, sir, every time you explain it
to me.
Look, look, look.
Now, you and I, for the rest of the night, we're gonna sit in the counseling
room.
We're gonna go through all these files. Come on.
Yes, sir.
Ah, I'll be right back, sir. I just have to make a phone call.
Say, what's going on?
Norm, the door's locked.
Oh, oh, yes, sir, it is locked. You're right.
Well, don't panic, sir. Every door in this building has a fire safety lock, sir.
Oh.
All you have to do to release it is to put your lighter up under the sprinkler
system, sir.
Yeah, it sounds crazy, but trust me, sir, it'll work.
Well, all right.
No!
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught. That's not like you to lose face.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad. Too bad.
Hey, the wedding's coming up in a couple weeks, huh? How are things going with
Kevin?
Fine. I guess.
Huh. Hey, you got a problem there? You know?
Because you can tell me, and what I do is I give you good advice, you know?
Yeah.
That's the only advice I give you, of course, the good kind, you know?
I don't know. The thing is that since we've been living together, I just feel
like we're not communicating as much, you know?
Lately, the first thing Kevin does when he comes home from work, turns on the
TV.
Ah, jeez, he's a TV guy, huh?
What do you mean?
Ah, nothing, nothing. It just, uh, reminds me of my uncle. Yeah, he was a TV
guy.
Ah, yeah. Every day he'd come home from work, he'd watch the TV.
Uh-huh.
20 years, he lived with my aunt, never said a word to her.
Then one day, oh, my God, he did all this talking with an ax.
Norm, but are you telling me that you think there's a problem between me and
Kevin?
Ah, well, no, I'm just saying that, uh, it's not normal for a guy to close up
like that, you know what I'm saying?
It's just not a normal dude thing to do.
But don't take my word for it. Hey, Artie, Danny, come over here.
What's up?
Hey, I just, uh, was telling Jenny here that, uh, that guys like to communicate
with women, right?
Like, like, like when a guy comes home from work, he loves to hear about a
woman's day, am I right?
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh, don't get right to the point either.
It's all those little side trips you take that are so fascinating.
Yeah, oh, you know what I really appreciate? Uh, being corrected. Yeah.
Constant corrections. Oh, and especially in front of other people, because, you
know, it shows you care.
Okay. All right, you guys are just screwing with me. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
You guys are screwing with her? God, Venus.
Norm, I'm not kidding. I mean, the wedding's coming up in a couple of weeks. I
want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
Yeah. Well, okay, let's get serious then. Uh, let me ask you this about, about
Kevin. Does he spend a lot of time reading in the bathroom?
Yeah. Uh, he does, huh? I'm reading this book, uh, Men Are From Mars and Women
Are From Venus, which is not true, by the way.
And, uh, and it said in that book, you see, that a man, when he's ducking a
relationship, will go to his cave.
You know? Which, in this case, is his bathroom, unless you guys have a cave.
No, we don't have a cave.
Right, right. Well, my original point stands then. You see, you see, what he's
doing is, he's having second thoughts, right?
So what you have to do, not unlike a bear, you must drive him out of his den,
so that he can communicate with you and express his emotions freely.
By the way, incidentally, uh, don't use this advice when dealing with a real
bear.
Oh, hey, Jenny, what are you doing here? I was just leaving.
Look, uh, Norm, I gotta talk to you about Kevin. We had a big fight last night.
Oh, no, that's the opposite of what I'd hoped for.
Well, last night, uh, I tried to get him to work on our relationship while he
was sitting in the bathroom, and he just screamed at me, you know?
If I went on an audience, I would have sold tickets.
Yeah, I know it's hard, Jenny, but you're on the right track, you know?
Every time that man tries to escape into the bathroom, you go in there and you
confront him.
I don't know, Norm. I don't think it's gonna work.
Look, you know, Kevin's on his way up here now, and something is definitely not
right.
Will you just talk to him for me?
Oh, yeah, I'll talk to him. I gotta tell you something. I like this Kevin guy,
you know?
But, uh, I actually have to tell you something else. Last week, I think he came
on to me.
Norm, thank you for making me feel better. You're so wonderful.
Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, look, it's your fiancé, the guy you're gonna marry.
Hey, Jenny, you ready to go?
Yeah, yeah, you know what? I just gotta make a quick phone call, so, uh, why
don't you two talk? I'll be right back.
So, uh, how's it going there, Kevin?
Good.
Really? Because Jenny told me you had a fight last night.
Yeah, we strained it out.
Oh, uh, that's good, yeah.
Uh, listen, if I can offer a little friendly advice, you know, weddings are a
tense time there, Kevin, you know?
And you know what a woman really appreciates in times like that is, is if you
spice it up in the bedroom, you know?
Like, uh, wear a costume. Hey, invite over a neighbor.
God's the crap, Norm. I know you're in love with Jenny.
What?
Yeah.
When I realized it, my first thought was to have you killed.
But my guy that does that, you know, he had a baby, he's always, you know...
Anyway...
I figured, instead of having you murdered, we could just be friends.
Oh, yeah. Well, uh, first of all, uh, congratulations are in order to your guy.
I'd like to make you an offer.
No, no, I'd like to make you an offer.
Uh, no, I don't have any of your offer. You offer.
You offer.
You were a hockey player. My family owns a pro hockey team.
How would you like to be a player coach?
Yeah. Yeah, and in exchange, I ain't never talked to Jenny again.
Damn it, maybe you weren't gonna say that.
Look, obviously you're not a threat to anyone but yourself.
Well, Jenny listens to you, and I don't want you in her ear stirring up trouble
for me.
So you think you can buy me?
Norm, you're a human being. A real person.
Of course I can buy you.
Now, to help you get over gin, I've made a date for you.
With the Playboy triplets. Here's their phone number.
Now, you're gonna have to dial those numbers on an actual phone.
Okay, you can't just talk into the piece of paper.
You must think I'm pretty spineless.
That I would even consider such a low and vulgar offer such as this.
Can you hand me that scotch, Tim? Sure.
You are some piece of work, buddy, I'll tell you that.
I'm telling you, this Fitzgerald guy's got me right where he wants me.
If I choose Jenny, I lose hockey. If I choose hockey, I lose Jenny.
The guy's some sort of diabolical genius.
Wait a second, Norm. You're doing community service.
How can you play hockey?
That's the best part.
Fitzgerald said that he could get a judge to clear my name.
Yeah, I would never have to help people again.
Hey, maybe this guy can get you a special license
so you can actually start hurting people.
No, I don't think he's that rich.
Let's look at this logically.
Is Jenny gonna get you hockey? No.
Is hockey gonna get you broads? Yes.
And Jenny's gonna get old.
Hockey will always be 18 and stacked.
Any hockey groupie he shacks up with,
is gonna get old, too.
No, they won't.
Hockey groupies have illegitimate daughters
who grow up to be groupies, too.
It's the circle of life.
They wrote a song about it.
Listen, Lori, maybe Artie's right, you know?
I mean, if I marry Jenny, who knows?
I could get divorced, you know?
Anything could happen.
Listen, why don't we let Wiener Dog decide, you know?
All right, Wiener Dog.
Bark if you want me to play hockey.
All right, now I'll bark if Norm should be with Jenny.
Eh, Wiener Dog, you're just as confused as I am.
I don't know, Norm.
I mean, I'm sure this girl's wonderful, you know?
But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
You gotta choose a hockey career.
I thought I knew you.
Are you telling him to give up the love of his life for a sport?
God, no. I hope you didn't take it that way.
Yeah, there's gotta be a way to have it all. There's gotta be.
I don't know, Norm. Maybe Lori's right.
I mean, after all, hockey players don't get the high-quality chicks
that social workers do.
He has led you astray his whole life.
Look at him. He's gonna die alone.
I don't see anybody knocking down your door, olive oil.
Well, I...
You happen to be very choosy, Artie.
Oh, well, evidently so are the men.
Oh!
You are so fat.
I've been fat for 31 years, hon.
You're gonna have to come up with something better than that.
All right, enough of your tomfoolery.
I have to think this problem out.
Besides which, I'm supposed to be on a date here.
Are you ready to go there, ladies?
You know what, Norm?
This isn't working.
I can't believe you're thinking of taking this guy's offer.
You're obviously madly in love with this Jenny person.
When we saw you playing hockey, you stink.
Wow, nobody's ever put it to me that way before, you know?
I think I can't be happy without Jenny.
You're right.
Thank you, triplets.
All right.
I know what I'm gonna do, Lori.
I'm gonna call Fitzgerald up.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna get him to meet me down at the bar.
We'll settle this all.
Hey, can you come with me, please?
Yes.
I want to be there when you stand up to this jerk and show him you can't be
bought.
Yeah, absolutely.
And also, I might ask you to get on all fours behind him so I can push him over.
Yes.
Oh, girls, where's the fire?
Hey.
Listen, now that you're not dating my brother, uh, you chicks ever have sex
with a fat guy?
Hey, Fitz.
Hey, Norm.
Joanie.
My name is Lori.
I know.
It amuses me to treat you with disrespect.
Yeah, well, look, Fitz, uh, we got some talking to do.
Don't worry, Norm.
It's all set.
I'm announcing you're hiring as head coach at a press conference tomorrow.
You are?
I mean, uh, I mean, you know, you're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're going to be a little bit more.
You're hiring as head coach at a press conference tomorrow.
You are?
Yeah.
I mean, uh, I mean, no, you're not because, uh, the deal is off.
That's right.
Fitz.
These kids are in love.
There's nothing you or all your money can do to keep them apart.
What about this?
There are a lot of starving children in this city.
What if, in exchange for Norm giving up Ginny, I fed them all forever?
What are you talking about?
Yeah, how would that help me?
Relax, Norm.
You still get the coach.
Plus, I'll put money into a trust, and I will give you complete control of the
Laurie Freeman
Hot Meal Center.
You might get people to like you if you feed them.
No way.
No way.
I love Ginny, and that's that.
Hypothetically, uh, what if Norm steals Ginny away and then screws up the
relationship?
Like he does with every woman that he dates?
You'd get Ginny back, so would you still feed the hungry children then?
No.
In fact, I'd buy up all the city soup kitchens, turn them into whorehouses.
Um, I need to talk to you for one second.
I just need to know, I want to make sure that your love for Ginny is a deep
kind of a love,
as in a thousand children are gonna starve kind of a way.
The whole world could starve for all I care.
That's beautiful.
Well, actually, I've always felt that way. This just reinforces it.
All right, tell me, what are you gonna say to Ginny tonight?
Well, I'm gonna say to her, "Hey Ginny, I love you."
No, oh, you don't blurt it out like that. You've gotta ease into it slowly.
Oh, I ease into it slowly, right. I'm gonna say, uh, Ginny, I love...
I don't wanna do it much slower. I'll look stupid, you know?
Oh, hey, Ginny, you're early.
I have the greatest news.
Oh, my God. He got killed in a car accident and left you all his money.
What?
Nothing. I didn't say anything.
So, what's your news?
I got into vet school.
Oh, that's great.
Ginny, that's great.
Congratulations.
Oh, I can't believe it. I'm really in.
Oh, wow. Oh, my God. $60,000 a year?
Yeah.
Wow, isn't that a little steep?
I mean, you know, my doctor, he went to school in Haiti, only cost him $5,000,
and he learned voodoo.
No, I was really worried about paying for it, but as soon as Kevin found out,
he volunteered to cover the entire thing.
Kevin? I thought you were gonna pay for this yourself.
Oh, no, I looked into it, but I wouldn't be eligible for nearly enough loans or
grants. I couldn't do it without Kev.
Oh, you couldn't, huh?
Hey, listen, Gin, are you sure you want to be a veterinarian, you know?
I mean, I know it sounds like a noble occupation and everything, but when you
come right down to it, what is it?
Mostly it's gas and puppies, you know?
Norm!
This is what I've dreamed about since I was a kid. I want this more than
anything.
Yeah, I know you do.
Well, congratulations, Ginny. You're lucky to have a guy like Kevin.
No, Ginny, Norm has something he needs to say to you.
No.
Yeah.
Mm.
Uh, well, what I want to say was that Lori here thinks she got an inflamed
prostate. I told her that's impossible.
Norm, you have to tell her so that she can make the choice.
I think you should go, Lori.
All right, fine. If that's the way you want it.
That's the way I want it.
Norm is in love with you, but Kevin tried to bribe him to stay away from you
with a hockey career and Playboy triplets, but Norm threw it all away because
he's in love with you.
What?
What?
What are you talking about?
Well, I don't want to get in the middle.
I thought we were just friends.
I thought we were just friends.
Yeah.
Well, we weren't.
We weren't.
We weren't.
Kevin offered you a hockey career and you turned it down for me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Listen, Jenny, you know, I think you should either marry Kevin or don't marry
him, but I don't
know what I'm saying.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
I'm not going to be a hockey career.
You turned it down.
For me?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Listen, Jenny, you know, I think you should either marry Kevin or don't marry
him, but
I don't think we should be friends anymore because it's too hard, you know?
It hurts too much to do.
And I want you to get your dream and everything.
So, you know, goodbye, Jenny.
You know, if you just hang around, it's going to blow the whole moment, you
know?
Look, Jenny, I don't know what to say to you anymore.
It's just...
I said we can't be friends anymore.
Do you hear me?
Mr. Denby's been in there forever.
You think he's all right?
I don't know.
It's been over an hour since I've heard and he's scratching at the window.
And all that womanly crying has stopped.
I don't think he's dead, do you?
Mr. Denby?
Mr. Denby?
Where's Norm?
Mr. Denby?
Where is Norm?
He's not here today, sir.
He called in sick.
When I get my mitts on...
And I'm that gangly...
Don't leave me!
Where are your glasses?
My glass?
Yeah.
My...
My...

Episode 26   Norm vs Fitz 2000 02 09

Where's Norm?
He got a speeding ticket yesterday
driving the Meals on Wheels van,
and, uh, he paid off a cup.
He paid off a cup with 200 pounds
of imitation Salisbury steak.
Uh, Norm's not here.
He had an emergency.
You bullpucky. Look, I'm--
When Norm gets back, I'm gonna lay down the law.
The old Denby's gone. Now he's gone forever.
New Denby's here now.
Stronger, tougher, stricter than old Denby.
Coming soon, robo-Denby.
You should be frightened.
You should all be frightened.
Even old Denby.
Even old Denby's frightened of new Denby.
What? What are you laughing at?
Well, I-- probably not what you intended, sir,
but I find new Denby hilarious.
Well, he's not. He's-- he's not what I--
he's not what I hoped he'd be.
So, where is Norm?
He's hanging out with Jenny again.
Why is he still chasing her?
She's engaged to a millionaire.
Norm thinks that if Jenny gets to really know him,
she'll fall in love with him.
That's flawed in so many ways.
No, no. It's a good plan.
And he's keeping her creepy fiancé off track
by pretending that they're gal pals.
Oh, my God, Jenny.
We ate so much ice cream today.
I swear to God, instead of eating it,
I should have just applied it directly to my thighs.
Uh, hey, guys. Sorry we're late.
We were just at the mall shopping and gossiping and whatnot.
Norm has been so great.
He knows I've been going crazy waiting to hear
if I got into vet school,
so he took me out shopping to keep my mind off of it.
God, veterinary school. Isn't that hard to get into?
It's really hard.
They only take the top 10%,
so, uh, I probably won't get in.
Hey, hey. I don't want to hear that.
Listen, if you want to realize your dreams,
you can realize them.
All you have to do is work hard, persevere,
and, uh, carefully distribute sexual favors.
Oh, so that's how you had a professional career in hockey.
No. I didn't work hard.
Well, this is really cool. Can I try it on?
I don't know. It's Norm's. Ask him.
No, you may not. You'll stretch it.
Hey, uh, listen, Norm.
You want to go down to the bar and get a drink?
Oh, no, no. I can't, you know.
I haven't worked here all day yet,
and, uh, you know, I always feel bad
if I can't help these poor, desperate people.
I'm just joking. We can go. Let's go.
No, no, no, Norm. No, really.
No, you better not,
because Dan B. was looking for you all day.
Oh, well, all right.
Uh, I'll do a little bit of work around here,
and then I'll meet you down there, all right?
Okay. See ya.
Mmm.
So, how's it going?
Oh, it's going great. She's really starting to open up to me, you know?
Yeah?
Oh, my God. Yesterday, she told me the most moving story about her mother.
You know, or maybe it was her grandmother. I don't know. It's a lot of this,
you know?
I don't know, Norm. I don't know, Norm. I mean, you better pick up the pace.
I mean, she's marrying Kevin in just two weeks.
Oh, yeah? Are you kidding me? She's not gonna marry that loser.
This guy's gonna be tough to beat, Norm. He's got so much more than you,
like a wallet and two shirts.
Yeah, yeah, you're right, Norm.
You know, maybe it's time to go into phase two of my plan. You know, now that I've
gained her trust, I'm gonna start giving her deliberately bad advice, and then
I'll ruin her relationship with this Kevin character.
Actually, Norm, any advice you give would do that.
Rock and roll.
Ah, ah, Norm. It is Norm, isn't it?
The joke being, I don't recognize you because since you've been absent so much
of late.
Ah, sir, your humor always cuts me to the quick, sir, every time you explain it
to me.
Look, look, look.
Now, you and I, for the rest of the night, we're gonna sit in the counseling
room.
We're gonna go through all these files. Come on.
Yes, sir.
Ah, I'll be right back, sir. I just have to make a phone call.
Say, what's going on?
Norm, the door's locked.
Oh, oh, yes, sir, it is locked. You're right.
Well, don't panic, sir. Every door in this building has a fire safety lock, sir.
Oh.
All you have to do to release it is to put your lighter up under the sprinkler
system, sir.
Yeah, it sounds crazy, but trust me, sir, it'll work.
Well, all right.
No!
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught. That's not like you to lose face.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad. Too bad.
Hey, the wedding's coming up in a couple weeks, huh? How are things going with
Kevin?
Fine. I guess.
Huh. Hey, you got a problem there? You know?
Because you can tell me, and what I do is I give you good advice, you know?
Yeah.
That's the only advice I give you, of course, the good kind, you know?
I don't know. The thing is that since we've been living together, I just feel
like we're not communicating as much, you know?
Lately, the first thing Kevin does when he comes home from work, turns on the
TV.
Ah, jeez, he's a TV guy, huh?
What do you mean?
Ah, nothing, nothing. It just, uh, reminds me of my uncle. Yeah, he was a TV
guy.
Ah, yeah. Every day he'd come home from work, he'd watch the TV.
Uh-huh.
20 years, he lived with my aunt, never said a word to her.
Then one day, oh, my God, he did all this talking with an ax.
Norm, but are you telling me that you think there's a problem between me and
Kevin?
Ah, well, no, I'm just saying that, uh, it's not normal for a guy to close up
like that, you know what I'm saying?
It's just not a normal dude thing to do.
But don't take my word for it. Hey, Artie, Danny, come over here.
What's up?
Hey, I just, uh, was telling Jenny here that, uh, that guys like to communicate
with women, right?
Like, like, like when a guy comes home from work, he loves to hear about a
woman's day, am I right?
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh, don't get right to the point either.
It's all those little side trips you take that are so fascinating.
Yeah, oh, you know what I really appreciate? Uh, being corrected. Yeah.
Constant corrections. Oh, and especially in front of other people, because, you
know, it shows you care.
Okay. All right, you guys are just screwing with me. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
You guys are screwing with her? God, Venus.
Norm, I'm not kidding. I mean, the wedding's coming up in a couple of weeks. I
want to make sure I'm doing the right thing.
Yeah. Well, okay, let's get serious then. Uh, let me ask you this about, about
Kevin. Does he spend a lot of time reading in the bathroom?
Yeah. Uh, he does, huh? I'm reading this book, uh, Men Are From Mars and Women
Are From Venus, which is not true, by the way.
And, uh, and it said in that book, you see, that a man, when he's ducking a
relationship, will go to his cave.
You know? Which, in this case, is his bathroom, unless you guys have a cave.
No, we don't have a cave.
Right, right. Well, my original point stands then. You see, you see, what he's
doing is, he's having second thoughts, right?
So what you have to do, not unlike a bear, you must drive him out of his den,
so that he can communicate with you and express his emotions freely.
By the way, incidentally, uh, don't use this advice when dealing with a real
bear.
Oh, hey, Jenny, what are you doing here? I was just leaving.
Look, uh, Norm, I gotta talk to you about Kevin. We had a big fight last night.
Oh, no, that's the opposite of what I'd hoped for.
Well, last night, uh, I tried to get him to work on our relationship while he
was sitting in the bathroom, and he just screamed at me, you know?
If I went on an audience, I would have sold tickets.
Yeah, I know it's hard, Jenny, but you're on the right track, you know?
Every time that man tries to escape into the bathroom, you go in there and you
confront him.
I don't know, Norm. I don't think it's gonna work.
Look, you know, Kevin's on his way up here now, and something is definitely not
right.
Will you just talk to him for me?
Oh, yeah, I'll talk to him. I gotta tell you something. I like this Kevin guy,
you know?
But, uh, I actually have to tell you something else. Last week, I think he came
on to me.
Norm, thank you for making me feel better. You're so wonderful.
Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, look, it's your fiancé, the guy you're gonna marry.
Hey, Jenny, you ready to go?
Yeah, yeah, you know what? I just gotta make a quick phone call, so, uh, why
don't you two talk? I'll be right back.
So, uh, how's it going there, Kevin?
Good.
Really? Because Jenny told me you had a fight last night.
Yeah, we strained it out.
Oh, uh, that's good, yeah.
Uh, listen, if I can offer a little friendly advice, you know, weddings are a
tense time there, Kevin, you know?
And you know what a woman really appreciates in times like that is, is if you
spice it up in the bedroom, you know?
Like, uh, wear a costume. Hey, invite over a neighbor.
God's the crap, Norm. I know you're in love with Jenny.
What?
Yeah.
When I realized it, my first thought was to have you killed.
But my guy that does that, you know, he had a baby, he's always, you know...
Anyway...
I figured, instead of having you murdered, we could just be friends.
Oh, yeah. Well, uh, first of all, uh, congratulations are in order to your guy.
I'd like to make you an offer.
No, no, I'd like to make you an offer.
Uh, no, I don't have any of your offer. You offer.
You offer.
You were a hockey player. My family owns a pro hockey team.
How would you like to be a player coach?
Yeah. Yeah, and in exchange, I ain't never talked to Jenny again.
Damn it, maybe you weren't gonna say that.
Look, obviously you're not a threat to anyone but yourself.
Well, Jenny listens to you, and I don't want you in her ear stirring up trouble
for me.
So you think you can buy me?
Norm, you're a human being. A real person.
Of course I can buy you.
Now, to help you get over gin, I've made a date for you.
With the Playboy triplets. Here's their phone number.
Now, you're gonna have to dial those numbers on an actual phone.
Okay, you can't just talk into the piece of paper.
You must think I'm pretty spineless.
That I would even consider such a low and vulgar offer such as this.
Can you hand me that scotch, Tim? Sure.
You are some piece of work, buddy, I'll tell you that.
I'm telling you, this Fitzgerald guy's got me right where he wants me.
If I choose Jenny, I lose hockey. If I choose hockey, I lose Jenny.
The guy's some sort of diabolical genius.
Wait a second, Norm. You're doing community service.
How can you play hockey?
That's the best part.
Fitzgerald said that he could get a judge to clear my name.
Yeah, I would never have to help people again.
Hey, maybe this guy can get you a special license
so you can actually start hurting people.
No, I don't think he's that rich.
Let's look at this logically.
Is Jenny gonna get you hockey? No.
Is hockey gonna get you broads? Yes.
And Jenny's gonna get old.
Hockey will always be 18 and stacked.
Any hockey groupie he shacks up with,
is gonna get old, too.
No, they won't.
Hockey groupies have illegitimate daughters
who grow up to be groupies, too.
It's the circle of life.
They wrote a song about it.
Listen, Lori, maybe Artie's right, you know?
I mean, if I marry Jenny, who knows?
I could get divorced, you know?
Anything could happen.
Listen, why don't we let Wiener Dog decide, you know?
All right, Wiener Dog.
Bark if you want me to play hockey.
All right, now I'll bark if Norm should be with Jenny.
Eh, Wiener Dog, you're just as confused as I am.
I don't know, Norm.
I mean, I'm sure this girl's wonderful, you know?
But this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
You gotta choose a hockey career.
I thought I knew you.
Are you telling him to give up the love of his life for a sport?
God, no. I hope you didn't take it that way.
Yeah, there's gotta be a way to have it all. There's gotta be.
I don't know, Norm. Maybe Lori's right.
I mean, after all, hockey players don't get the high-quality chicks
that social workers do.
He has led you astray his whole life.
Look at him. He's gonna die alone.
I don't see anybody knocking down your door, olive oil.
Well, I...
You happen to be very choosy, Artie.
Oh, well, evidently so are the men.
Oh!
You are so fat.
