Name: Episode 27 Norm vs The Wedding 2000 02 16
Uploaded: 2022-06-03T05:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 27 Norm vs The Wedding 2000 02 16' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-03. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 27 Norm vs The Wedding 2000 02 16' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-03. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Ah, look, wiener dog, I'm sorry I had to throw you out of the bedroom last
night,
but your barking was driving Jenny crazy, you know?
Just because your people invented that position gives you no right to criticize.
Norm.
Oh, hey.
You were so wonderful last night.
Can I ask you one more favor?
Oh, you don't have to call that a favor.
No.
I just want you to call Kevin and tell him I'm not going to marry him today.
What?
The wedding's in six hours.
You haven't called anybody yet?
Open up!
I know you're in there.
I did call my mother.
I've never kicked a door in sober before, but I'm willing to try.
Okay, here's the plan.
You answer the door, give her a big hug, and then I'll punch her in the back of
the head.
Norm, you can't punch my mom.
I mean, you really can't.
She's fast.
Mom, now let me talk.
You.
You worthless marriage-wrecking piece of human waste.
Now Mrs. Ford, or can I call you Mom?
You ruined everything!
She could have married a beautiful, but we would have been sent for life!
Mom, this is insane!
You can't come barging in here like this.
I'm a grown woman.
You can't try to force me to marry Kevin.
I don't love him.
I love Kevin enough for both of us.
We were finally going to get out of that crap hole we're living in.
We were going to buy an air conditioner.
You don't want an air conditioner.
Hey, if you don't sweat, how are the other bears going to find you to have sex
with you?
You don't talk.
This is my only daughter.
I had to be both mother and father to her.
Oh, yeah?
Geez, I saw a fellow once at the Circus Vargas like that.
On one side of his face, there's a big, bushy mustache.
You go to the other side.
Hubba, hubba, lady.
You're not helping, Mom.
Forget it.
I'm not marrying Kevin.
You're telling me that you're giving up, Kevin.
A guy who loves you.
Who is waiting right now to marry you for this, this nobody that you met a
couple of weeks ago?
Well, now, now.
I'm not a nobody, Mrs. Ford.
I'm famous.
You know, I was kicked out of hockey for tax evasion.
I, I, I was on the Channel 4 News on their shame on you segment, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
I bumped a school teacher that got pregnant off that cool Filipino kid a couple
of years.
I'd hit him in the head, but it would only make him smarter.
Mom, I love Norm, and you're not going to change my mind.
Oh, honey, you're giving up a wonderful future.
Believe me, this loser is never going to commit to you.
Yes, he will.
He'd marry me today if I asked him.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Ask him.
Okay.
Norm, will you marry me?
For the purposes of getting your mother out of the house, I say yes.
No, seriously, though, Norm, you know, if I really wanted you to, you would,
though, right?
Uh, oh, well, I mean, uh, would you, do you really, would you really want me to?
Yes, yes.
Yes, how about, how about right now?
Yes, today.
Come on, what do you say?
Today.
Well, today.
Oh, oh, damn, today's no good.
I told you, the guy is a flake, and he is never going to commit to you.
I'm not a flake.
I'm just not going to marry her today.
I happen to have a dental cleaning.
That's a 1987 calendar.
Oh, yes, obviously, I've rescheduled it.
Norm, what are you doing?
You're the one who told me not to marry Fitz, but you told me I was marrying
the wrong guy.
Right, right, well, he is the wrong guy, and, uh, look, Jenny, I hope to be the
right guy,
you know, one day, you know, preferably not a day that, that conflicts with a
dental cleaning,
you know.
Jenny, you don't want this guy.
You just got cold feet, so you dumped Kevin, and you picked somebody that you
knew wouldn't marry you.
Yeah, listen, the only reason that I'm not going to marry her is because we've
only known each other for a couple of weeks.
Norm, that's why I'm so in love with you, because we do crazy things, you know?
You're spontaneous, I'm spontaneous, huh?
Getting married today.
Hello, spontaneous!
How about this for spontaneous?
Hey, uh, instead of, uh, getting married, we, we go down and we get some
pancakes.
I got a buttermilk, you get buckwheat, you get plain, we...
My mom was right.
I don't know you at all, Norm.
Oh, come on now, Jenny, hold on.
Wait, Jenny.
All right, so you win round one, but just you wait, because...
And round two, you also won round two, that's pretty good.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad.
I can't believe Jenny wanted to get married today.
Well, I think you two should do it.
I think you and Jenny are perfect for each other.
Yes, it's a little unorthodox, but maybe you ought to take the leap, Norm.
You shouldn't marry any woman you haven't seen through two menstrual cycles.
First, Artie didn't know that women had menstrual cycles until I gave him a pamphlet
two minutes ago.
Second, Norm, there is a psychological test you can take to see if you're ready
for marriage.
You want me to give it to you?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I don't think that'll help.
All right, let me...
All right, question number one.
Are you a man?
Yes.
Then you'll never be ready for marriage.
No, no, no, Lori, it's not like that, you know.
I love Jenny, you know.
But, again, as an American, I love my freedom as well.
That's right.
Our father and grandfather didn't cross the ocean to kill the heinies so Norm
could get married early.
Heinies?
It used to mean Germans.
It's one of the few racial slurs that never caught on.
Norm, you're what?
You're in your mid-30s.
In a couple of years, you're going to be bold.
You're going to be chubby.
Who's going to want to marry you then?
Hey.
Hey.
How much dollar is this going to hold together?
I mean, look.
Look how loose that is.
It wasn't loose until you started yanking on her.
Look, Norm, it's really quite simple.
Do you love Jenny?
Oh, yeah.
Would you ever marry her?
Yeah, yeah.
Someday I would.
So it's just a matter of time, really, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, but, you know, call me old-fashioned,
but I think that Jenny should be, you know,
well-established enough in her career that she can support us both, you know?
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Mind if I join you?
Oh.
Well, let me just take this opportunity to say hi-ho.
The gang's all here.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm very, I'm socially awkward, but I, I, I have a good heart.
What's, uh, what's the latest, uh, what's the latest office gossip?
Uh, Norm here is thinking about getting married.
No, no, no, no, Norm.
Let me give you a little advice, since I, I actually have some experience in
this area.
Marriage is a trap.
Being single is exciting, Norm.
The, the opportunity, the, the freedom.
Every night, a different girl.
Or, or, or, or, or to be more accurate, a, a, a, a picture of a different girl.
There, there's a never, never ending supply on the internet.
Well, you've helped me make up my mind.
I'm gonna marry Jenny today.
You are great.
We gotta celebrate then.
Oh, there was just an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in here.
Yes, they left the bottle.
All right.
Where is Lori?
Is she supposed to be here with Jenny by now?
She'll be here.
Jenny's gonna be so excited and so romantic having a surprise wedding.
Yeah, all the Henderson men got married like that, you know?
My mother almost got away, but thank God the extra weight from her pregnancy
slowed her down a little, you know?
All right, guys, this is it.
This is the moment.
Here she comes, the love of my life.
Okay, I'm here.
Who backed up the toilet?
Never mind.
It is not the janitor's place to editorialize.
Just plunge, all right?
What's all this?
Oh, I'm getting married, landlady.
I was wondering when you and the little bald fellow were gonna find the tithing
knot.
So, which one of you is the guy?
That's the ridiculous thing I've ever heard I am.
Besides which, I'm marrying an actual real-life lady.
Oh, yeah?
Where's the bride?
Oh, oh, that's the cool part.
She doesn't even know she's gonna get married yet.
She from Thailand?
Oh, I got bad news, Norm.
The minister's stuck in traffic.
He can't make it.
Oh, jeez.
Uh, well, uh, uh, we don't need a minister.
We'll use my tape of the Brady Brides.
And, uh, yeah.
We'll just pause it for the I do's.
You know, it'll work.
I'm a minister.
Really?
You?
I don't see anyone else in here with a minister certificate from Six Flags Over
Jesus.
Well, uh, okay.
Uh, how much?
I can do the ceremony for a hundred bucks up front.
Up front.
All right.
Uh, anything you need to know about me and the betrothed?
I don't want to know anything.
I like to riff.
You like to?
You too.
Front and center.
I need to rehearse.
Let's see.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
I will say, do you take, uh, so-and-so as your husband?
The bride says, I do.
I do.
And do you take her?
Oh, I do.
I do.
Okay.
Uh, let's see.
Then I say, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife.
What God hath joined.
Let no man put asunder.
Uh-oh.
Why?
Um, I wasn't supposed to say that last part, except to the actual bride and
groom.
What are you, what are you getting at?
Well, what God hath no man put a...
Yep, you're married.
What are you talking about?
What are you complaining about?
Now you, you got a legitimate beef.
Look, how can we be married?
We don't even have a license.
You need a license to be married?
Ooh, I got some couples.
I got a call.
Norm?
Norm, Norm.
Lori, where's Jenny?
She's at the church marrying Kevin.
What?
Yeah, I went to the apartment.
Her mom had been there to make some last-minute arrangements,
and apparently she just wore Jenny down until she broke,
and now she's gonna go through with it.
Uh, I gotta get down to that church and stop the wedding.
Come on, Laura, you come with me, all right?
You can stay in the car and keep the motor running.
Why?
Run in and grab Jenny.
But what are you gonna say to talk her into leaving Fitz?
Talk her into it.
That's a good idea.
That way we want it to stop for rope.
I just realized this Fitz guy's probably got a bodyguard.
That's right.
Norm's gonna need some muscle.
Taylor, you come with me.
Danny, stay here.
You're a good-looking boy.
You want to dance with the devil?
Thank you for coming.
Sit anywhere.
We'll be starting shortly.
Uh, Jenny, what is it?
I'm gonna talk to you.
I'm just feeling very uncertain about this whole thing.
Oh, that's nothing to worry about.
I felt exactly the same way with your father.
Yeah, and you divorced him.
And I got nothing to show for it.
At least if you leave Kevin, you'll be rich.
Money can't buy me happiness.
That's true, dear, but happiness can't buy you crap.
Go upstairs and get ready.
Hi, Mrs. Ward.
I see you've never looked lovelier,
and by lovelier, I mean unarmed.
She's not in the chapel.
She's off with the minister.
Sit down a minute.
Why should I?
Because if you don't,
I'll call the cops and you're out of here.
I decided to let you make your case
because the crazy thing is,
I think that, uh,
I think Jenny does love you.
So, uh, if you can prove to me
that you're the best man for my daughter,
I'll let you talk to her.
Oh, okay.
Well, here goes.
First of all, let me assure you
that I'll never let work
get in the way of our relationship.
As a matter of fact,
I don't even let work
get in the way of my daytime TV, so...
By the way, could we borrow some money?
I'm starting to see what Jenny sees in you.
Oh, yeah?
Let's have a drink,
and you can, uh,
you can tell me why you think
I ought to let you marry my daughter.
Oh, okay.
You want to get us some cups from over there?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Ah!
I never say no to booze.
So,
the thing that you can give my daughter
is, uh,
love.
Love, exactly.
Hmm.
You see, this is the first time in my life
that I've ever loved anybody
more than me, you know?
So, so I have to ask myself,
am I just down on me?
Or do I love her, you know?
And, and I gotta tell you,
I love Jenny.
Well, you know something, Norm?
You could probably go upstairs right now
and have Jenny,
but unfortunately,
I just put a few Valium in your drink.
Good Lord,
can't that kill a guy?
I don't know,
but it'll be fun to see.
I, I gotta talk to Jenny.
Well, Norm,
you can go right through that door
and you can try and drag her out of here,
but you will never pull it off.
Ah, really?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, just watch me.
Ha!
Gotcha!
That is a maintenance room!
By the way,
I gave you enough to knock you out
for at least a couple of hours
and by then,
she'll be on her way to the Riviera.
Ha!
You can't stop me.
I'll just make myself throw up.
Ha!
Ha!
Good Lord,
how did those models do it?
Hey, where is Norm?
She's about to marry this guy
and Norm's not even here.
What are we gonna do?
We've gotta stop this.
Stop the wedding!
Yeah, uh,
this wedding must stop.
That woman should not be with that man.
It's,
it's wrong on so many levels.
this is not one of them.
This is not one of them.
Somebody, help!
Norm?
Lori, Lori, I'm in here!
Oh, my God.
Norm!
Norm, hurry up!
Jenny's walking down the aisle!
What?
Lori, get me out of here!
I can't find a key!
Okay, stand back then.
I'm gonna kick down the door.
Ah!
Oh, here's the key,
right beside the door here.
Oh!
I can't find a key!
Norm!
Oh, my God!
No, Norm!
Here, here!
Yeah!
Oh, my God!
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Yeah!
Oh!
Yeah, actually,
I don't feel a thing.
The mother,
she drug me, you know?
She drug me on Valium.
That's horrible.
Yeah, not really.
Yeah.
If I didn't have to stop a wedding,
this would be a good dose
for me every day,
you know,
just for the every day
stress and strain.
Just snap out of it.
Come on,
you've got to go get Jenny.
Yes, exactly.
Jenny.
Jenny who?
Jenny Ford,
the love of your life.
Ah, yes, yes.
Go on in there.
Tell Jenny you love her.
Yeah, you come with me, though,
Lori.
You come with me.
This man is a stalker.
Stay away from him.
Use your stun gun.
That can't feel a thing.
Are you sure that works?
Jenny, stop!
Norm!
Ow!
Ow!
My eyes!
Ow!
Oh, my God, Kevin.
I'm sorry.
Norm, what are you doing here?
Right now,
I'm trying to use every answer,
but you're strained out
to kick the crap
out of your mother.
Finish the ceremony, Reverend.
All right.
I now pronounce you...
No, you do not pronounce them,
you dirty, dirty bastard!
I'm sorry, holy man of God,
but don't pronounce them.
Enough, enough of the pronunciation.
Jenny, Jenny, where are you?
Jenny, don't move.
Jenny, I can't see you.
Call me with your voice.
Marco!
Hold on!
Marco!
Hold on!
Look, I'm not gonna play this game.
Get rid of him.
I'm right here, Norm.
Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.
I came to tell you
that I love you.
I'm here to offer you my heart.
What can he offer you?
Security?
Yes, I know he can offer you security,
but I'm offering you my heart.
Norm, what are you trying to say?
I'm trying to say, Jenny,
that I want to marry you, you know?
But, uh, you know,
I want to wait a healthy period of time
until your mother dies.
I-I-I don't know, Norm.
Jenny, listen.
Who do you love?
Oh, please don't do this.
Who do you love?
Kevin.
Kevin, you gold-digging whore!
No, Norm!
Let me finish.
Kevin, I'm sorry.
I can't marry you.
Let me guess.
There's another guy.
Norm, I love you.
You love me?
Yes, you hear that?
I win!
Come on, let's go!
Ow!
Ow!
I'm hooking down!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Oh, you are such a saucy girl.
I bet you are a naughty maid.
I've got you to the brink, my dear.
You're making absolutely no sense at all
in your erotic, risque, almost jabberwock-ian wordplay.
Oh, my God.
I don't even know what that word is.
I don't even know what that word is.
I don't even know what that word is.
I don't even know what that word is.
I don't even know what that word is.
I don't even know what that word is.
I don't even know what that word is.
I don't even know what that word is.

Episode 27   Norm vs The Wedding 2000 02 16

Ah, look, wiener dog, I'm sorry I had to throw you out of the bedroom last
night,
but your barking was driving Jenny crazy, you know?
Just because your people invented that position gives you no right to criticize.
Norm.
Oh, hey.
You were so wonderful last night.
Can I ask you one more favor?
Oh, you don't have to call that a favor.
No.
I just want you to call Kevin and tell him I'm not going to marry him today.
What?
The wedding's in six hours.
You haven't called anybody yet?
Open up!
I know you're in there.
I did call my mother.
I've never kicked a door in sober before, but I'm willing to try.
Okay, here's the plan.
You answer the door, give her a big hug, and then I'll punch her in the back of
the head.
Norm, you can't punch my mom.
I mean, you really can't.
She's fast.
Mom, now let me talk.
You.
You worthless marriage-wrecking piece of human waste.
Now Mrs. Ford, or can I call you Mom?
You ruined everything!
She could have married a beautiful, but we would have been sent for life!
Mom, this is insane!
You can't come barging in here like this.
I'm a grown woman.
You can't try to force me to marry Kevin.
I don't love him.
I love Kevin enough for both of us.
We were finally going to get out of that crap hole we're living in.
We were going to buy an air conditioner.
You don't want an air conditioner.
Hey, if you don't sweat, how are the other bears going to find you to have sex
with you?
You don't talk.
This is my only daughter.
I had to be both mother and father to her.
Oh, yeah?
Geez, I saw a fellow once at the Circus Vargas like that.
On one side of his face, there's a big, bushy mustache.
You go to the other side.
Hubba, hubba, lady.
You're not helping, Mom.
Forget it.
I'm not marrying Kevin.
You're telling me that you're giving up, Kevin.
A guy who loves you.
Who is waiting right now to marry you for this, this nobody that you met a
couple of weeks ago?
Well, now, now.
I'm not a nobody, Mrs. Ford.
I'm famous.
You know, I was kicked out of hockey for tax evasion.
I, I, I was on the Channel 4 News on their shame on you segment, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
I bumped a school teacher that got pregnant off that cool Filipino kid a couple
of years.
I'd hit him in the head, but it would only make him smarter.
Mom, I love Norm, and you're not going to change my mind.
Oh, honey, you're giving up a wonderful future.
Believe me, this loser is never going to commit to you.
Yes, he will.
He'd marry me today if I asked him.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Ask him.
Okay.
Norm, will you marry me?
For the purposes of getting your mother out of the house, I say yes.
No, seriously, though, Norm, you know, if I really wanted you to, you would,
though, right?
Uh, oh, well, I mean, uh, would you, do you really, would you really want me to?
Yes, yes.
Yes, how about, how about right now?
Yes, today.
Come on, what do you say?
Today.
Well, today.
Oh, oh, damn, today's no good.
I told you, the guy is a flake, and he is never going to commit to you.
I'm not a flake.
I'm just not going to marry her today.
I happen to have a dental cleaning.
That's a 1987 calendar.
Oh, yes, obviously, I've rescheduled it.
Norm, what are you doing?
You're the one who told me not to marry Fitz, but you told me I was marrying
the wrong guy.
Right, right, well, he is the wrong guy, and, uh, look, Jenny, I hope to be the
right guy,
you know, one day, you know, preferably not a day that, that conflicts with a
dental cleaning,
you know.
Jenny, you don't want this guy.
You just got cold feet, so you dumped Kevin, and you picked somebody that you
knew wouldn't marry you.
Yeah, listen, the only reason that I'm not going to marry her is because we've
only known each other for a couple of weeks.
Norm, that's why I'm so in love with you, because we do crazy things, you know?
You're spontaneous, I'm spontaneous, huh?
Getting married today.
Hello, spontaneous!
How about this for spontaneous?
Hey, uh, instead of, uh, getting married, we, we go down and we get some
pancakes.
I got a buttermilk, you get buckwheat, you get plain, we...
My mom was right.
I don't know you at all, Norm.
Oh, come on now, Jenny, hold on.
Wait, Jenny.
All right, so you win round one, but just you wait, because...
And round two, you also won round two, that's pretty good.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad.
I can't believe Jenny wanted to get married today.
Well, I think you two should do it.
I think you and Jenny are perfect for each other.
Yes, it's a little unorthodox, but maybe you ought to take the leap, Norm.
You shouldn't marry any woman you haven't seen through two menstrual cycles.
First, Artie didn't know that women had menstrual cycles until I gave him a pamphlet
two minutes ago.
Second, Norm, there is a psychological test you can take to see if you're ready
for marriage.
You want me to give it to you?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I don't think that'll help.
All right, let me...
All right, question number one.
Are you a man?
Yes.
Then you'll never be ready for marriage.
No, no, no, Lori, it's not like that, you know.
I love Jenny, you know.
But, again, as an American, I love my freedom as well.
That's right.
Our father and grandfather didn't cross the ocean to kill the heinies so Norm
could get married early.
Heinies?
It used to mean Germans.
It's one of the few racial slurs that never caught on.
Norm, you're what?
You're in your mid-30s.
In a couple of years, you're going to be bold.
You're going to be chubby.
Who's going to want to marry you then?
Hey.
Hey.
How much dollar is this going to hold together?
I mean, look.
Look how loose that is.
It wasn't loose until you started yanking on her.
Look, Norm, it's really quite simple.
Do you love Jenny?
Oh, yeah.
Would you ever marry her?
Yeah, yeah.
Someday I would.
So it's just a matter of time, really, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, but, you know, call me old-fashioned,
but I think that Jenny should be, you know,
well-established enough in her career that she can support us both, you know?
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Mind if I join you?
Oh.
Well, let me just take this opportunity to say hi-ho.
The gang's all here.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm very, I'm socially awkward, but I, I, I have a good heart.
What's, uh, what's the latest, uh, what's the latest office gossip?
Uh, Norm here is thinking about getting married.
No, no, no, no, Norm.
Let me give you a little advice, since I, I actually have some experience in
this area.
Marriage is a trap.
Being single is exciting, Norm.
The, the opportunity, the, the freedom.
Every night, a different girl.
Or, or, or, or, or to be more accurate, a, a, a, a picture of a different girl.
There, there's a never, never ending supply on the internet.
Well, you've helped me make up my mind.
I'm gonna marry Jenny today.
You are great.
We gotta celebrate then.
Oh, there was just an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in here.
Yes, they left the bottle.
All right.
Where is Lori?
Is she supposed to be here with Jenny by now?
She'll be here.
Jenny's gonna be so excited and so romantic having a surprise wedding.
Yeah, all the Henderson men got married like that, you know?
My mother almost got away, but thank God the extra weight from her pregnancy
slowed her down a little, you know?
All right, guys, this is it.
This is the moment.
Here she comes, the love of my life.
Okay, I'm here.
Who backed up the toilet?
Never mind.
It is not the janitor's place to editorialize.
Just plunge, all right?
What's all this?
Oh, I'm getting married, landlady.
I was wondering when you and the little bald fellow were gonna find the tithing
knot.
So, which one of you is the guy?
That's the ridiculous thing I've ever heard I am.
Besides which, I'm marrying an actual real-life lady.
Oh, yeah?
Where's the bride?
Oh, oh, that's the cool part.
She doesn't even know she's gonna get married yet.
She from Thailand?
Oh, I got bad news, Norm.
The minister's stuck in traffic.
He can't make it.
Oh, jeez.
Uh, well, uh, uh, we don't need a minister.
We'll use my tape of the Brady Brides.
And, uh, yeah.
We'll just pause it for the I do's.
You know, it'll work.
I'm a minister.
Really?
You?
I don't see anyone else in here with a minister certificate from Six Flags Over
Jesus.
Well, uh, okay.
Uh, how much?
I can do the ceremony for a hundred bucks up front.
Up front.
All right.
Uh, anything you need to know about me and the betrothed?
I don't want to know anything.
I like to riff.
You like to?
You too.
Front and center.
I need to rehearse.
Let's see.
Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
I will say, do you take, uh, so-and-so as your husband?
The bride says, I do.
I do.
And do you take her?
Oh, I do.
I do.
Okay.
Uh, let's see.
Then I say, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce you man and wife.
What God hath joined.
Let no man put asunder.
Uh-oh.
Why?
Um, I wasn't supposed to say that last part, except to the actual bride and
groom.
What are you, what are you getting at?
Well, what God hath no man put a...
Yep, you're married.
What are you talking about?
What are you complaining about?
Now you, you got a legitimate beef.
Look, how can we be married?
We don't even have a license.
You need a license to be married?
Ooh, I got some couples.
I got a call.
Norm?
Norm, Norm.
Lori, where's Jenny?
She's at the church marrying Kevin.
What?
Yeah, I went to the apartment.
Her mom had been there to make some last-minute arrangements,
and apparently she just wore Jenny down until she broke,
and now she's gonna go through with it.
Uh, I gotta get down to that church and stop the wedding.
Come on, Laura, you come with me, all right?
You can stay in the car and keep the motor running.
Why?
Run in and grab Jenny.
But what are you gonna say to talk her into leaving Fitz?
Talk her into it.
That's a good idea.
That way we want it to stop for rope.
I just realized this Fitz guy's probably got a bodyguard.
That's right.
Norm's gonna need some muscle.
Taylor, you come with me.
Danny, stay here.
You're a good-looking boy.
You want to dance with the devil?
Thank you for coming.
Sit anywhere.
We'll be starting shortly.
Uh, Jenny, what is it?
I'm gonna talk to you.
I'm just feeling very uncertain about this whole thing.
Oh, that's nothing to worry about.
I felt exactly the same way with your father.
Yeah, and you divorced him.
And I got nothing to show for it.
At least if you leave Kevin, you'll be rich.
Money can't buy me happiness.
That's true, dear, but happiness can't buy you crap.
Go upstairs and get ready.
Hi, Mrs. Ward.
I see you've never looked lovelier,
and by lovelier, I mean unarmed.
She's not in the chapel.
She's off with the minister.
Sit down a minute.
Why should I?
Because if you don't,
I'll call the cops and you're out of here.
I decided to let you make your case
because the crazy thing is,
I think that, uh,
I think Jenny does love you.
So, uh, if you can prove to me
that you're the best man for my daughter,
I'll let you talk to her.
Oh, okay.
Well, here goes.
First of all, let me assure you
that I'll never let work
get in the way of our relationship.
As a matter of fact,
I don't even let work
get in the way of my daytime TV, so...
By the way, could we borrow some money?
I'm starting to see what Jenny sees in you.
Oh, yeah?
Let's have a drink,
and you can, uh,
you can tell me why you think
I ought to let you marry my daughter.
Oh, okay.
You want to get us some cups from over there?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Ah!
I never say no to booze.
So,
the thing that you can give my daughter
is, uh,
love.
Love, exactly.
Hmm.
You see, this is the first time in my life
that I've ever loved anybody
more than me, you know?
So, so I have to ask myself,
am I just down on me?
Or do I love her, you know?
And, and I gotta tell you,
I love Jenny.
Well, you know something, Norm?
You could probably go upstairs right now
and have Jenny,
but unfortunately,
I just put a few Valium in your drink.
Good Lord,
c