Name: Episode 29 Retribution 2000 03 08
Uploaded: 2022-06-05T05:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 29 Retribution 2000 03 08' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-05. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 29 Retribution 2000 03 08' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-05. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Thank you.
Hey, who's that?
Oh, that's Simon.
He was a junkie, but he cleaned up,
and Danny got him a job at a burger joint,
and he's our biggest success story.
Hey, what about me?
Simon is our biggest success story.
Simon, how you been feeling lately?
Well, I miss the drugs.
But on the upside,
no, I just miss the drugs.
Oh, hey, Simon, listen, man. Good news.
I got you that life insurance policy
with your daughter named as beneficiary.
Oh, thanks, Norm.
Hey, maybe she'll forgive you now
for OD'ing in the bathroom
at her ballet recital that time.
Hey, hey, Jenny, how you doing?
Hey, honey. Now, listen,
I only have a few minutes for lunch,
'cause I got a change for my next job.
Jenny, I didn't know you worked
at the Statue of Liberty.
Oh, no, I don't.
I work at Lady Liberty Appliances.
I actually work for these two Iraqi guys
who hate America.
They keep referring to the Statue of Liberty
as that big green bitch with the book.
Oh, my God, you look so hot.
You look almost as hot
as the actual Statue of Liberty.
Oh.
Yeah.
Except there's no comparison, really,
'cause she has 400-pound breasts.
Oh, it looks like you two are in love.
Oh.
What's wrong with you?
Why don't you get a hobby
or a VCR or something?
I think it's great, Norm.
Yeah, it actually-- it is a good time
in my life right now, man.
I'm in a grown-up relationship,
and I got great friends and everything.
And also, that thing that I thought was cancer
just turned out to be the mark
from a felt-tip pen.
Uh, Norm, you've got a Benny Forrest online, too?
Oh, I gotta take that.
Hello?
Oh, yeah, I'll hold.
Who's Benny Forrest?
Oh, Benny Forrest is this sports marketing guy,
and he's gonna buy my image
and then use it to endorse products
and do PSAs and stuff like that,
and then I'll have enough money
to pay for Jenny's vet school,
and also, and also,
I'm not on hold anymore,
so I better talk to him.
I can hear him right now.
Hello, Benny?
Yes, Benny.
Yes, absolutely.
Excellent!
You sealed the deal.
Good stuff.
Well, let me tell you something.
You won't be sorry, sir.
How much did you get?
Twenty big ones.
Oh, my God!
Norm, you got $20,000?
$20,000?
No, 20 big ones.
Singles, $20.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Apparently, now they got kicked out of hockey
for tax evasion.
I was never very good in the sport
in the first place.
All of a sudden,
I'm not flavor of the month.
That's too bad, Norm.
I know.
I need that money, you know.
Jenny's vet school costs $9,000.
Well, there must be some other way
you could make the money.
Nah, I don't know how to do anything.
All I know how to do is play hockey.
How do other ex-hockey players
make money after they retire?
Well, the ones that, you know,
are lucky enough to have saved enough
to drink themselves to death.
Of course, they just do that.
The other ones, I don't know what they do.
I guess they, like, coach high school,
stuff like that.
Hey, you can coach.
Huh?
My neighbor pays, like, $50 an hour
for a kid to have a private baseball coach.
Yeah, maybe I could teach kids, you know?
I am better than almost every child
in the world at hockey.
Well, you know, if you had five kids,
that's $250 an hour.
$250 an hour?
Ooh, that's classy dough, Lori.
That's hooker money.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Oh, look.
New public service posters are out.
Ah, herpes, that's gross.
Oh, hey, do you have any more of those posters
that tell ladies how to feel themselves
up in the bathtub there?
Hey.
Aren't you teaching your first hockey lesson tonight?
Oh, my God.
That's right.
I gotta get going.
Man, I gotta tell you,
I feel a little nervous about meeting the parents tonight.
Oh, yeah.
You'll be all right.
You just let them know how much you love kids
and that you're not doing it just for the money.
Yeah, right, right.
But I won't overdo it,
'cause I don't want a bunch of poor kids there either,
you know?
Um,
Simon came in from a break from the burger place,
and I'd like to get your opinion on something.
Sure.
If I could, okay, thank you.
Oh, God.
He's dead.
Uh, yeah, that was my take on it.
Oh, my God.
The poor man.
He was just getting his life together with the job
and the life insurance.
Oh, the life insurance.
That was the only thing he had to leave his daughter.
and was gonna kick in on Friday.
Oh.
Couldn't we wait until then to report his death?
That's crazy.
It's against the law,
and besides, where would we put the body?
Okay, here's the deal.
You take Simon, and I got the next dead guy.
Hey, where's Norm?
Oh.
Is it the rink?
He said he needed some cones for those hockey lessons.
Luckily, these were lined up around some big hole
on the 59th Street Bridge.
Norm sold the rights to his image,
and look what they did with it.
Well, at least it's a nice picture.
Those posters are gonna be up all over the city.
I'm just saying,
you can see why the kids would go for them, huh?
Hi.
Well, while the kids are warming up,
I just want to introduce myself.
My name is Coach Henderson,
and I'll be working with your boys.
Now, I want you, uh...
I want you all to know
that working closely with children
is what I live for.
Actually, with the enjoyment
I'll be getting from your kids,
I should be paying you.
Guys like you make me want to puke.
Come on, honey.
Well, he makes a good point.
$100 an hour is, uh, a mite steep.
However, may I remind you
that your kids will remember
what I give them for the rest of their lives.
Hey.
Jeez, what a bunch of grouches.
Well, Norm, there goes the coaching business, huh?
Fitz, you bastard!
Yeah.
I'm the one who hired that guy
to buy your likeness for $20,
and now I own it forever.
Wait a minute.
I have a feeling this is more than a coincidence.
I think this is somehow related to me
stealing your bride at the altar.
Yeah.
Norm, I'm a rich and powerful man.
Did you really think I'd just forget
that you stole my fiancee?
Yeah, I was hoping, yeah.
Man, what are you trying to do?
You know you're not going to get Jenny back.
I don't want her back.
You're out?
No.
Besides, I'm having way too much fun
destroying your life.
Ah.
So now it all makes sense.
It's been you undermining me at every turn.
Ha!
It's been you that's made my life
an unbearable hell for these last 25 years.
No, actually, I just started last week.
Oh, just last week?
Yeah.
I think we got all the posters on the east side.
Man, I'm telling you, man,
this Fitzgerald character
is trying to destroy me.
He's done everything.
He turned off the phone,
he canceled my credit cards,
and I don't know how he did this,
but he reprinted my high school yearbook,
and he replaced my picture
with a childhood picture of myself on the toilet.
You know what hurts the most?
My dad sold him that picture.
Uh, bad news.
We got a message from the life insurance company
because if Simon's drug passed,
they want to examine him again.
Oh, no.
This isn't good.
Any halfway decent doctor
is going to know he's dead.
Yeah.
We got to think of something.
Where are the keys to the food bank freezer?
I gave them to Denby.
He's doing inventory down there.
What?
That's where I hid Simon's body.
I don't think he's...
There's a dead homeless person
in the food bank freezer.
What it is,
is it's the city trying to save money.
They're now feeding the homeless to each other.
It's a little...
Enough!
Enough!
I'm calling the fuzz!
No, don't, don't.
Don't do it, Mr. Denby.
Simon is the dead guy in the freezer.
We just wanted to hide him for a few days
until his life insurance took effect
and then he can give all of his money to his daughter.
What?
What are you saying?
You mean that his daughter gets nothing
of his body turns up now?
No, not a dime.
Well, that doesn't seem fair,
but why didn't you come to me sooner?
It seems like everyone else in your little gang
is in on this.
Uh, well, sir,
we see you as a pencil-necked bureaucratic weasel
who'd rat us out.
Did I say no offense?
You guys have got to see this.
Look at what Fitz did now.
I taped it off the TV last night.
Coming soon to Broadway, Mickey Rooney as Norm Henderson
in "If the world is so big, why am I so small down there?"
Are you there, God?
It's me, Norm.
One quick question and I'll leave you alone.
Come on, dammit.
Pick up the phone.
Listen, big guy, I ain't one who begs,
but I got a problem between my legs.
If the world is so big, why am I so small down there?
You know, I don't mind if he attacks me,
but in most cases, my penis cannot defend itself.
Norm!
Hey, Jenny, what's going on?
Kevin bought the appliance store
and had the Iraqi guys fire me.
He ruined my credit rating
and he hired a midget to follow me around
misbehaving so I look like a bad parent.
Did the midget say anything about my penis?
Oh, my God, landlady, you scared me there. I thought you were a grizzly bear.
Grizzly bears do not wear mink coats.
I don't think you got my jokers.
I came to tell you, Fitz bought your building.
I'm working for him now.
He's the one who bought me the fur.
So everything in this apartment now belongs to Kevin.
Oh, yeah?
Everything belongs to Kevin now, huh?
Well, does this picture belong to Kevin?
Ha! Look at that.
Does all this belong to Kevin?
Ah, look.
Kevin will be happy with this, won't he?
What about this TV, huh?
Does that belong to Kevin?
Huh?
Does that belong to Kevin?
Uh, no.
All that broken crap is still yours.
I meant, like, the refrigerator, the stove.
You know, stuff that generally comes with an apartment.
I warmed him up for you.
Hello, Norm.
Wow.
This place is not that bad.
After I throw you out, I might let my dog's brother move in here.
Well, I'm glad you came here, Fitz,
'cause I'm getting tired of you
giving crap to me and Jenny all the time, you know?
And I think it's time that you stop,
or else I'll go public with that thing I know about you.
What thing?
I think you know what I'm talking about.
It's that thing I know about you, that secret thing.
What are you talking about?
It has to do with, uh, with, uh, with sex?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It has to do with, uh, with you?
You got nothing.
Well, that's where you're wrong, Fitz.
I have all day.
Does it have anything to do with your mother at all?
Let's cut to the chase.
Well, I'm not gonna stop till I've destroyed your friends,
your family, everyone you hold dear.
You're not gonna keep trying to hurt Jenny, are you?
Well, now that I see how much it bothers you, yeah.
I think I will.
You're not gonna start hurting Mr. Denby, are you?
Norm, I'm incredibly rich,
and I'm gonna do whatever I want,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
In fact, just last week,
my company's baked goods division
purchased your mother's likeness.
Here, I want you to have a box of ugly face cookies.
Ugly face cookies.
She was an ugly brat.
Oh, hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
What's up? Did you talk to Kevin?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
I figured most of them had to deal with it,
but I need you guys' help on one little piece.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's the one little piece.
Man, this is kidnapping.
Oh, see, you're helping already.
I didn't know it was kidnapping.
I'll tell you what, you seem good at this.
Why don't you be group leader?
Group leader of what?
Excellent group leader question.
So, so, what's our plan?
What do we do?
Um, what were you thinking?
Uh, knocking this guy out
is not gonna solve your problem.
Look, this guy's powerful, you know?
What was I supposed to do?
Just, just sit back
while he destroyed the lives
of the people I love?
Absolutely.
Am I on the wrong side here?
I wasn't listening.
Come on, come here.
Listen, I don't wanna say this out there
in case Fitz waits up,
but you gotta think of something faster.
You're gonna go to jail.
Well, the guy's already humiliated me so much,
you know, all New York thinks
I'm a small-penis pedophile.
I mean, you know,
I got regular pedophiles laughing at me.
I mean, how much more could this guy want?
Okay, look, the whole reason
this started in the first place
was because you stole Jenny from him.
But he doesn't even want Jenny.
No, I know, but he doesn't
want you to have her either.
So, how-- okay, we get Jenny over here,
and we have her tell Fitz
how much he loves you,
and no matter what he does to you,
she'll never leave you.
That's beautiful.
There's so much dark meat on a turkey leg,
why do chickens gotta be so damn stingy?
No, I don't think that's a good idea.
What about this?
This is-- this is better.
What if I get Jenny over here,
we pretend to have a big fight and break up,
and then Fitz maybe will leave us alone?
Yes, all right,
I think that's probably a better idea.
Now, your phones are shut off,
so we gotta get Artie to go get her.
Artie, did you hear the plan?
Of course I heard the plan.
All right, 'cause we just wanna make sure
that you didn't think the plan was
mm-mm, good turkey.
Now, come on, come on, get it.
Hey, does the trick where you put
a sleeping person's hand
in a cup of warm water really work?
If it doesn't, we can just throw it
right on his crotch.
You won't know the difference.
Oh, they're here.
Oh, my God, he's still knocked out.
Yeah, we waited to wake him up until you came,
so you know the plan, right?
Yeah, yeah, I just hope it works.
All right, ready?
Here we go, come on.
Here we are.
There we go.
Come on.
What the hell's going on?
Kevin, look, I came over
'cause I thought we could talk
and just get to the root of this.
You know, could you guys
just give us some privacy, please?
Fine, we won't hear anything
through the archway of silence.
So, what's our backup
if the plan doesn't work?
No, the plan is gonna work.
As long as they keep the fight
really realistic,
you'll think that they broke up.
That's not the plan.
I told her the plan was for her
to say she loves him no matter what.
Idiot!
Norm is gonna be attacking her
so they can have a fight and break up.
Okay.
Somebody's gotta go out there
and stop this before it's too late.
You can do it, Lori.
I'm not gonna go do it.
You screwed it up.
You go do it.
Go on.
Fine, fine.
Hey, how you guys doing, all right?
Good to see you.
Okay.
So, look, Fitz,
I think it's time
we put our cards on the table here.
Yeah, you know what, Kevin?
You just have to understand
that you can't do anything
to break up.
Hey, hey, hey.
Why don't you let the boys talk,
all right?
Yeah, well, you know,
the thing I don't understand there, Kevin,
is, you know,
Jenny's fine and everything,
but you're a rich guy.
You could get models.
Absolutely. Why not?
Or even, you know,
just pretty girls.
Sure, sure.
But, you know,
it's not like I'm a dog or anything.
No, no, you're decent,
but I'm saying, you know,
he could get pretty girls
who are smart as well.
Norm, can we talk in private, please?
I bet you don't miss this, huh, Kevin?
Yappity, yappity, yappity.
Honey, you don't wanna do that
'cause Kevin's gonna think
that you don't love me.
Yeah, hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you not
tell me what to do?
What?
It causes enough trouble.
Why don't you go in the bedroom
and do some sit-ups or something, huh?
Oh, oh, okay.
So now you're the big man, huh?
But last night it was,
"I'm scared.
I had a gay dream about Danny."
What is it exactly
that you want from me, Norm?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe some movement in bed
would be nice once in a while.
You know what?
I'm getting my things
and I'm leaving.
Well, don't forget
your huge collection
of Mardi Gras beads, whore.
Oh, oh, my God.
What have I done?
Well, Norm, it seems like
there's nothing left
in your life to ruin,
so I'm gonna hit the road.
Look, Norm, you know,
let's just slow things down a bit.
I think we both said some things
that we probably--
You are a fat pig!
Oh, I did it again, huh?
All right, all right, he's gone.
Yes, yes, we won!
I can't believe it.
Hey, and Jenny was so great, wasn't she?
Hey, what about that crazy thing she said
about me having that gay dream
about Danny, too?
Ha!
That was so untrue!
Ha, ha, ha!
She has quite an imagination, that girl.
Listen, Norm, come on.
We--we have to tell you
something really important, Norm.
Jenny, Jenny!
That was so great, man.
You were so convincing.
I thought you were really angry, you know?
Even now, I can see something in your eyes.
It's, like, really frightening.
Are you saying that
none of the things
that you said were true?
You didn't know?
No, I just made them up,
so Fitz would think we broke up
and he'd leave.
Well, Artie didn't tell me that.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God!
You thought I was mad at you, huh?
I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Hey, hey, guys.
Let's go out and celebrate, huh?
I'm buying drinks.
Okay, then.
So, uh, what was I wearing in your dream?
You had a hat, just a hat.
Well, Simon, you seem to be in pretty good shape
for a man who shot heroin for 15 years.
Well, uh, even when I was on the junk,
I always tried to exercise and eat right.
Everything seems to check out okay.
I'll put this through.
Your insurance should go into effect on Monday.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr. Stabby,
that was a wonderful thing you did.
Yeah, because of you, you know,
Simon's daughter's gonna be okay.
Oh, gee.
I feel just like I'm part of the gang.
So, what do you want to do?
You want to, uh, get some pizza?
Have a beer?
Uh, hello?

Episode 29   Retribution 2000 03 08

Thank you.
Hey, who's that?
Oh, that's Simon.
He was a junkie, but he cleaned up,
and Danny got him a job at a burger joint,
and he's our biggest success story.
Hey, what about me?
Simon is our biggest success story.
Simon, how you been feeling lately?
Well, I miss the drugs.
But on the upside,
no, I just miss the drugs.
Oh, hey, Simon, listen, man. Good news.
I got you that life insurance policy
with your daughter named as beneficiary.
Oh, thanks, Norm.
Hey, maybe she'll forgive you now
for OD'ing in the bathroom
at her ballet recital that time.
Hey, hey, Jenny, how you doing?
Hey, honey. Now, listen,
I only have a few minutes for lunch,
'cause I got a change for my next job.
Jenny, I didn't know you worked
at the Statue of Liberty.
Oh, no, I don't.
I work at Lady Liberty Appliances.
I actually work for these two Iraqi guys
who hate America.
They keep referring to the Statue of Liberty
as that big green bitch with the book.
Oh, my God, you look so hot.
You look almost as hot
as the actual Statue of Liberty.
Oh.
Yeah.
Except there's no comparison, really,
'cause she has 400-pound breasts.
Oh, it looks like you two are in love.
Oh.
What's wrong with you?
Why don't you get a hobby
or a VCR or something?
I think it's great, Norm.
Yeah, it actually-- it is a good time
in my life right now, man.
I'm in a grown-up relationship,
and I got great friends and everything.
And also, that thing that I thought was cancer
just turned out to be the mark
from a felt-tip pen.
Uh, Norm, you've got a Benny Forrest online, too?
Oh, I gotta take that.
Hello?
Oh, yeah, I'll hold.
Who's Benny Forrest?
Oh, Benny Forrest is this sports marketing guy,
and he's gonna buy my image
and then use it to endorse products
and do PSAs and stuff like that,
and then I'll have enough money
to pay for Jenny's vet school,
and also, and also,
I'm not on hold anymore,
so I better talk to him.
I can hear him right now.
Hello, Benny?
Yes, Benny.
Yes, absolutely.
Excellent!
You sealed the deal.
Good stuff.
Well, let me tell you something.
You won't be sorry, sir.
How much did you get?
Twenty big ones.
Oh, my God!
Norm, you got $20,000?
$20,000?
No, 20 big ones.
Singles, $20.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Apparently, now they got kicked out of hockey
for tax evasion.
I was never very good in the sport
in the first place.
All of a sudden,
I'm not flavor of the month.
That's too bad, Norm.
I know.
I need that money, you know.
Jenny's vet school costs $9,000.
Well, there must be some other way
you could make the money.
Nah, I don't know how to do anything.
All I know how to do is play hockey.
How do other ex-hockey players
make money after they retire?
Well, the ones that, you know,
are lucky enough to have saved enough
to drink themselves to death.
Of course, they just do that.
The other ones, I don't know what they do.
I guess they, like, coach high school,
stuff like that.
Hey, you can coach.
Huh?
My neighbor pays, like, $50 an hour
for a kid to have a private baseball coach.
Yeah, maybe I could teach kids, you know?
I am better than almost every child
in the world at hockey.
Well, you know, if you had five kids,
that's $250 an hour.
$250 an hour?
Ooh, that's classy dough, Lori.
That's hooker money.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Oh, look.
New public service posters are out.
Ah, herpes, that's gross.
Oh, hey, do you have any more of those posters
that tell ladies how to feel themselves
up in the bathtub there?
Hey.
Aren't you teaching your first hockey lesson tonight?
Oh, my God.
That's right.
I gotta get going.
Man, I gotta tell you,
I feel a little nervous about meeting the parents tonight.
Oh, yeah.
You'll be all right.
You just let them know how much you love kids
and that you're not doing it just for the money.
Yeah, right, right.
But I won't overdo it,
'cause I don't want a bunch of poor kids there either,
you know?
Um,
Simon came in from a break from the burger place,
and I'd like to get your opinion on something.
Sure.
If I could, okay, thank you.
Oh, God.
He's dead.
Uh, yeah, that was my take on it.
Oh, my God.
The poor man.
He was just getting his life together with the job
and the life insurance.
Oh, the life insurance.
That was the only thing he had to leave his daughter.
and was gonna kick in on Friday.
Oh.
Couldn't we wait until then to report his death?
That's crazy.
It's against the law,
and besides, where would we put the body?
Okay, here's the deal.
You take Simon, and I got the next dead guy.
Hey, where's Norm?
Oh.
Is it the rink?
He said he needed some cones for those hockey lessons.
Luckily, these were lined up around some big hole
on the 59th Street Bridge.
Norm sold the rights to his image,
and look what they did with it.
Well, at least it's a nice picture.
Those posters are gonna be up all over the city.
I'm just saying,
you can see why the kids would go for them, huh?
Hi.
Well, while the kids are warming up,
I just want to introduce myself.
My name is Coach Henderson,
and I'll be working with your boys.
Now, I want you, uh...
I want you all to know
that working closely with children
is what I live for.
Actually, with the enjoyment
I'll be getting from your kids,
I should be paying you.
Guys like you make me want to puke.
Come on, honey.
Well, he makes a good point.
$100 an hour is, uh, a mite steep.
However, may I remind you
that your kids will remember
what I give them for the rest of their lives.
Hey.
Jeez, what a bunch of grouches.
Well, Norm, there goes the coaching business, huh?
Fitz, you bastard!
Yeah.
I'm the one who hired that guy
to buy your likeness for $20,
and now I own it forever.
Wait a minute.
I have a feeling this is more than a coincidence.
I think this is somehow related to me
stealing your bride at the altar.
Yeah.
Norm, I'm a rich and powerful man.
Did you really think I'd just forget
that you stole my fiancee?
Yeah, I was hoping, yeah.
Man, what are you trying to do?
You know you're not going to get Jenny back.
I don't want her back.
You're out?
No.
Besides, I'm having way too much fun
destroying your life.
Ah.
So now it all makes sense.
It's been you undermining me at every turn.
Ha!
It's been you that's made my life
an unbearable hell for these last 25 years.
No, actually, I just started last week.
Oh, just last week?
Yeah.
I think we got all the posters on the east side.
Man, I'm telling you, man,
this Fitzgerald character
is trying to destroy me.
He's done everything.
He turned off the phone,
he canceled my credit cards,
and I don't know how he did this,
but he reprinted my high school yearbook,
and he replaced my picture
with a childhood picture of myself on the toilet.
You know what hurts the most?
My dad sold him that picture.
Uh, bad news.
We got a message from the life insurance company
because if Simon's drug passed,
they want to examine him again.
Oh, no.
This isn't good.
Any halfway decent doctor
is going to know he's dead.
Yeah.
We got to think of something.
Where are the keys to the food bank freezer?
I gave them to Denby.
He's doing inventory down there.
What?
That's where I hid Simon's body.
I don't think he's...
There's a dead homeless person
in the food bank freezer.
What it is,
is it's the city trying to save money.
They're now feeding the homeless to each other.
It's a little...
Enough!
Enough!
I'm calling the fuzz!
No, don't, don't.
Don't do it, Mr. Denby.
Simon is the dead guy in the freezer.
We just wanted to hide him for a few days
until his life insurance took effect
and then he can give all of his money to his daughter.
What?
What are you saying?
You mean that his daughter gets nothing
of his body turns up now?
No, not a dime.
Well, that doesn't seem fair,
but why didn't you come to me sooner?
It seems like everyone else in your little gang
is in on this.
Uh, well, sir,
we see you as a pencil-necked bureaucratic weasel
who'd rat us out.
Did I say no offense?
You guys have got to see this.
Look at what Fitz did now.
I taped it off the TV last night.
Coming soon to Broadway, Mickey Rooney as Norm Henderson
in "If the world is so big, why am I so small down there?"
Are you there, God?
It's me, Norm.
One quick question and I'll leave you alone.
Come on, dammit.
Pick up the phone.
Listen, big guy, I ain't one who begs,
but I got a problem between my legs.
If the world is so big, why am I so small down there?
You know, I don't mind if he attacks me,
but in most cases, my penis cannot defend itself.
Norm!
Hey, Jenny, what's going on?
Kevin bought the appliance store
and had the Iraqi guys fire me.
He ruined my credit rating
and he hired a midget to follow me around
misbehaving so I look like a bad parent.
Did the midget say anything about my penis?
Oh, my God, landlady, you scared me there. I thought you were a grizzly bear.
Grizzly bears do not wear mink coats.
I don't think you got my jokers.
I came to tell you, Fitz bought your building.
I'm working for him now.
He's the one who bought me the fur.
So everything in this apartment now belongs to Kevin.
Oh, yeah?
Everything belongs to Kevin now, huh?
Well, does this picture belong to Kevin?
Ha! Look at that.
Does all this belong to Kevin?
Ah, look.
Kevin will be happy with this, won't he?
What about this TV, huh?
Does that belong to Kevin?
Huh?
Does that belong to Kevin?
Uh, no.
All that broken crap is still yours.
I meant, like, the refrigerator, the stove.
You know, stuff that generally comes with an apartment.
I warmed him up for you.
Hello, Norm.
Wow.
This place is not that bad.
After I throw you out, I might let my dog's brother move in here.
Well, I'm glad you came here, Fitz,
'cause I'm getting tired of you
giving crap to me and Jenny all the time, you know?
And I think it's time that you stop,
or else I'll go public with that thing I know about you.
What thing?
I think you know what I'm talking about.
It's that thing I know about you, that secret thing.
What are you talking about?
It has to do with, uh, with, uh, with sex?
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It has to do with, uh, with you?
You got nothing.
Well, that's where you're wrong, Fitz.
I have all day.
Does it have anything to do with your mother at all?
Let's cut to the chase.
Well, I'm not gonna stop till I've destroyed your friends,
your family, everyone you hold dear.
You're not gonna keep trying to hurt Jenny, are you?
Well, now that I see how much it bothers you, yeah.
I think I will.
You're not gonna start hurting Mr. Denby, are you?
Norm, I'm incredibly rich,
and I'm gonna do whatever I want,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
In fact, just last week,
my company's baked goods division
purchased your mother's likeness.
Here, I want you to have a box of ugly face cookies.
Ugly face cookies.
She was an ugly brat.
Oh, hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
What's up? Did you talk to Kevin?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
I figured most of them had to deal with it,
but I need you guys' help on one little piece.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's the one little piece.
Man, this is kidnapping.
Oh, see, you're helping already.
I didn't know it was kidnapping.
I'll tell you what, you seem good at this.
Why don't you be group leader?
Group leader of what?
Excellent group leader question.
So, so, what's our plan?
What do we do?
Um, what were you thinking?
Uh, knocking this guy out
is not gonna solve your problem.
Look, this guy's powerful, you know?
What was I supposed to do?
Just, just sit back
while he destroyed the lives
of the people I love?
Absolutely.
Am I on the wrong side here?
I wasn't listening.
Come on, come here.
Listen, I don't wanna say this out there
in case Fitz waits up,
but you gotta think of something faster.
You're gonna go to jail.
Well, the guy's already humiliated me so much,
you know, all New York thinks
I'm a small-penis pedophile.
I mean, you know,
I got regular pedophiles laughing at me.
I mean, how much mo