Name: Episode 32 I've Got a Crush on You 2000 10 06
Uploaded: 2022-06-08T05:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 32 I've Got a Crush on You 2000 10 06' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-08. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 32 I've Got a Crush on You 2000 10 06' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-08. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Norm, Norm, you're never going to believe who I just saw in the elevator.
Bob Barker.
What?
Well, you didn't give me much to go on.
No, no, no, Shelly.
Shelly's back.
She's on her way in.
No way.
Yeah, she moved back from Colorado.
She's working next door again.
Oh, boy.
Oh, imagine.
After she dumped me, how surprised she's going to be.
What a huge success I've made of.
Damn it!
I haven't made her.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Shelly.
Norm.
Hey, Shelly.
How you doing?
Good to see you, Norm.
Yeah, so you came back, huh?
Yeah.
Kind of weird, huh?
Yeah, it is.
It's kind of like one of those things when one person, you know, leaves the
city and goes
to another city and then comes back from that city to the original city.
Almost exactly like that.
Look, Norm, I came over to get something from the printer, but I really wanted
to say hi.
I know me being back is a little awkward, but I hope we can be friends.
Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
So, are you seeing anyone?
No, no.
Oh, I am.
Me, too.
Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm seeing a nice girl.
Her name is, uh, her name is, uh...
Jane?
Jane, exactly.
Nice girl.
Oh, my goodness.
I don't want to say she's better than you, but, well, Shelly, she is a little
better than
you.
I don't even want to tell you what she looks like.
Why?
What does she look like?
Well, she's kind of, uh...
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you're hard to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Attention, everybody.
I'm going to be working out here for the next week or so while I do some renovations
in
my office and, as it turns out, I haven't had the flu for the last 18 months.
There's just been asbestos in my walls.
Sorry about the inconvenience, Mr. Denby.
The workman promised your office will be asbestos-free by the end of the week.
Oh, thank you, Thomas.
Thank you.
I just got a few things here.
They'll help me feel more at home.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
Sir, may I say that now that you're out amongst us, it's not like you're the
boss anymore,
you know?
You're just like one of us, sir.
Except, of course, that you have a huge prostate.
Thomas.
Thomas?
I'm going to need more privacy here.
I'll see if I can get a little screen to put around your desk, sir.
Norm, I did it!
Oh, you got the ring, huh?
Yeah, yeah, it almost broke me, but I'm going to propose to Taylor tonight.
Oh, that's great.
The ladies love the ice, don't they?
Did you know that there's a rule you're supposed to spend three months' salary?
I'd like to meet the bitch who came up with that.
Hi.
Rory, Rory.
Well, Danny's going to be asking Taylor a certain question tonight, huh?
Oh, Danny!
Unless, oh my God, I can't get it off.
My knuckle is completely swollen.
Oh, here it is.
What?
I didn't know you were going to propose to Taylor.
You think it's a good idea, don't you?
Of course it's a good idea.
I mean, Taylor's a little young.
Most women don't start thinking about marriage until they're mid-40s.
I'm so nervous.
I mean, what if she doesn't say yes?
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Of course she'll say yes.
Hey, just to be on the safe side,
why don't you kill every other man on Earth?
No.
Hi, Norm.
Listen, I know we have some things to work through,
so I brought you a little peace offering.
A donut?
You think a donut is going to make up
for all the pain and suffering you caused me?
It's jelly.
Jelly donut?
Maybe I'll see you later at the bar.
Oh, my God.
You guys, you guys, look at this.
Who uses our printer?
Oh, does Shelly still use our printer?
Yeah, yeah.
The other day she used a printer.
Oh, my God, I found this in the print tray.
Look, Norm is so damn unpredictable.
Maybe that's what's so captivating about him.
I've tried to deny these feelings,
but it hurts too much to keep them inside.
I know Norm is bad for me,
but I can't help myself.
God, I knew it.
She likes me.
She likes me.
Oh, my God.
Shelly must have printed her personal diary by accident.
But why did she print it sideways?
That is the shocking part, isn't it?
See what this means?
She came back from Colorado to see me.
You know, I printed something sideways once,
but that was a software issue.
Shut up!
Hey, you know what, Lori?
Maybe it's wrong to read Shelly's journal like this.
Yeah, so you're not going to read it?
I'm going to read it.
I was just saying it's probably wrong.
Look at you, Artie.
Tend the bar.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, I tell you,
it's a lot like being a psychiatrist.
The only difference is I have alcohol,
so I actually help people.
It really is a beautiful ring, Danny.
Whenever I've thought of an engagement ring on my hand,
I always pictured it just like that.
You might want to put a piece of coal in your bottom drawer
so it'll be ready in time.
Artie, do you smoke?
No.
You really should.
Hi, guys.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
Okay, you guys have to tell me
if the way I'm going to propose to Taylor
seems sweet or desperate, okay?
Now, first,
I'm going to present her with this cake.
See, it says,
Taylor, marry me.
Oh, Danny, that's really sweet.
Then, you know,
I didn't want to get too fancy, you know,
so I was just going to say,
Taylor, I love you.
Please be my wife.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah.
Very, very sweet.
Then I noticed
that she's wearing jeans and a red sweater today,
so I thought,
before I propose,
I'll change into jeans and a red sweater
as a way of saying
that we're a perfect match.
Well,
I would do the first two now,
and I would save the third one
for sometime later
when you might want to creep her out.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Shelly.
Hi, Norm.
Hi.
Sorry I was late,
but I wanted to be on time,
but I guess I'm just so damn unpredictable, right?
Yeah, I guess maybe
that's what's so captivating about me,
if you know what I mean.
Well, listen,
I've got to go to the bathroom.
You know,
I've tried to deny these feelings,
but they hurt too much
to keep inside, so...
If you know what I mean.
Okay, I didn't want him to have an accident,
but no,
I don't know what he means.
Oh, Shelly,
I can't bear to watch it any longer.
Lori, don't.
No, I have to say,
Shelly, you know how your office uses our printer?
We don't anymore.
What?
We got our own printers last week.
Wait, so all that stuff
wasn't in your journal
you don't have a secret crush on Norm?
What?
No.
I mean, obviously,
I cared about him a lot,
but that was a year ago.
Since then, I've grown.
My needs have changed.
Oh, and I got my meds adjusted.
Ah, Nacho.
I know they're bad for me,
but I'm not sure I can help myself.
I don't have a secret crush on you, Norm.
It isn't her diary.
It's not?
Well, this must be terribly embarrassing for you, Shelly.
I, uh...
I don't understand.
If it's...
If it's not you,
who could it be?
Who could who be?
Someone in the office
has a secret crush on Norm.
Well, it better not be
that heavyset woman
in accounting
with the muscular arms.
She's mine.
Excuse me, guys.
Is Norm here?
Norm just left.
Oh, he came down to our floor
and he left his jacket there again.
It's like the third time this month.
He's so irresponsible.
It's Thomas.
This is rich.
It's a man.
It's a man.
It's a crush on Norm.
But Norm's not gay, though, is he?
No, he's not gay.
Well, you're absolutely sure?
Yeah.
Hey!
Oh, hey, Taylor.
I had them save you, uh,
your favorite table.
I wanted to talk to you
about something.
Okay.
Okay, uh...
Taylor, I just want to say...
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Can I have your attention, please?
Juanita, I love you.
I ask you now
before God
and all of these people,
will you marry me?
Don't answer me now.
There's a limo waiting outside
to take us to the airport.
I want to fly you to Paris
so that I might hear my answer
in the City of Light.
Wish us Godspeed!
Oh, did you see that?
See what?
Never mind.
Hey, is that a cake?
What?
Oh, yeah.
Um, yeah, um,
I, uh...
I just wanted the icing.
You can have the rest.
I can't believe that Thomas
is the one with the crush on me.
What a jip!
Well,
why can't you just be flattered?
I mean, it's a one-sided attraction.
Big deal.
What if Thomas were a woman?
What do you mean?
Well, what if there was a woman
who was attracted to you
but you didn't want
to have sex with her?
I don't understand.
Did you figure out
a romantic way
to propose yet?
Uh, well,
I was going to do it
on a Staten Island ferry
but I got seasick
and an old lady
slipped on my vomit
and broke her hip.
Hey, Taylor,
I've got a lot of work to do
so please,
please see that I'm not disturbed.
Yes, sir?
What is he doing in there
that he needs all the privacy?
I don't know
but I figured out a way
to find out.
Here you are, sir.
I didn't know I'd be sad.
Um, excuse me, sir?
Yeah?
I'm late for lunch
but before I go
do you want me to print out
the year-end report?
Yeah, fine, fine.
Yeah, and, um...
I'm sorry, sir
but my nephew's gonna need
that hat back
by the end of the day.
Oh, hey, Thomas.
Hey, Norm.
Uh, listen,
I need to talk to you, Thomas.
Okay.
Look, uh,
no one blames you
for being attracted to me
but, uh, you have to
keep your feelings
to yourself.
And that goes
for the rest of you, too.
I'm not attracted to you.
Look, look, Thomas,
I read your journal, so...
I don't have a journal.
Oh, you don't have
a journal, huh?
Yeah.
And, uh, and I suppose
you also don't get lost
looking into my eyes?
I suppose you, uh,
you don't quiver
at the thought of me
taking you in my arms?
I suppose you don't
feel particularly aroused
each month
when you ovulate?
You ovulate?
Why didn't anybody
read this all the way
through, huh?
Hey, uh, Norm,
I gotta go,
but that's my stuff
in the printer.
Could you give it
to Mr. Demby?
Oh, yeah, sure, sure,
tell me.
It's Taylor.
What?
Huh?
Oh, I was just saying,
it's, it's Taylor.
I was trying to remember,
uh, Andy of Mayberry's
last name.
It's Taylor!
Let's do Goober.
What's Goober's last name?
I can't remember.
Goober.
Lori, thank God
you're here.
Listen, you know
who's in love with me?
Taylor.
Huh?
Rip, Taylor?
This is Taylor's journal.
Oh, this is not.
It is.
Hers is the only computer
that prints out
sideways like that.
Oh, this is crazy.
Yeah, I can't believe this.
Danny's gonna ask Taylor
to marry him,
and all Taylor can think about
is riding a painted pony
on the old normie go-round.
Maybe the diary's
just a fantasy.
It's just a safe way
for her to sew some oats.
Oh, come on, Lori.
How many oats
could she have left to sew?
She used to be a hooker.
All right.
I'm gonna get to the bottom
of this, then,
because there has got to be
some logical explanation.
Hey, Taylor.
Oh, what are you doing?
Oh, no.
You know that game
that gals play
when they tell each other
all the men
that they're attracted to
that they see every day?
Do you know that one?
Well, it seems dumb,
but you're pretty excited,
so let's go.
Okay, great.
Because I don't mind admitting
that I find
Fat Mike the Muffin Man
kind of sexy.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I don't know why.
It's just something
about a big man
in shorts dragging a wagon.
Lori, what's going on?
Well, we found these
pages in the printer.
Oh, my God.
Now, obviously,
I know that you don't
really want to be
with Norm.
Taylor.
Promise me
that Norm will never know.
Norm?
Yeah, okay.
I can't help it.
I mean, Danny's been
doing great to me,
but I have these
feelings for Norm,
and I don't know
if I'll ever feel
that way about Danny.
Well, Taylor,
I don't mean to judge you,
but these feelings
that you're having
are very, very stupid.
Do you think
I would want to feel
this way?
Maybe it goes back
to Norm getting me
out of a massage parlor
or something.
I don't know.
Taylor, what about Danny?
I know.
He thinks you're
head over heels for him,
and he sure is for you.
You know, Danny was
my first boyfriend
since I cleaned up,
you know, and it was
wonderful because
it felt so sweet
and so normal.
But now, I don't know.
Well, well, he's
about to ask you
to marry him.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is a horrible,
horrible disaster.
I don't think
that's the response
that he's hoping for.
So what are you
going to do
about this whole
Danny Taylor thing?
I got to make sure
this whole marriage
doesn't happen.
Well, she's already
seen him naked.
I'm not sure
what else you can do.
Hey, Norm.
Marty.
Hey.
So, uh,
what did you want
to talk to me about?
Oh, well, Danny,
I was just wondering,
have you proposed
to Taylor yet?
No, I decided to wait
until the end of the week.
You know, my hair extensions
won't be ready
until Friday.
All right, so that's
good thinking, buddy.
Listen, you know,
I'm your best friend, Danny,
and I'd like to give you
some advice on marriage,
but unfortunately,
I've never been married,
so I brought along
a couple of fellas
to help you out.
Danny Sanchez,
I'd like you to meet
Rick Rockwell
and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Now, fellas,
my friend here
is thinking about
getting married,
and I was wondering
if you could tell him
if you think marriage
is a smart idea.
Nice to meet you, Danny.
Norm's told me
about you a million times.
Of course,
when I say a million,
I really mean
about $250,000.
Hey, do you want
to see something cool?
No, no, no, no, no.
That's okay.
Thank you.
So what do you think?
Hiring these guys
was a pretty good plan, huh?
Those lookalikes
are amazing,
especially that Rockwell.
Well, that's the real
Rick Rockwell.
He was actually cheaper
than his lookalike.
Well, I don't want
to talk to those guys.
They had terrible marriages.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I just wanted
to show you both sides
of the picture, you know?
Well, I appreciate the gesture,
but I've made my decision.
I'm getting engaged
on Friday.
Oh.
So what are you
going to do about Danny?
I don't know.
He's still going to propose
to Taylor.
This whole thing's a disaster.
Wait, I got it.
I got the solution.
This is really going to work.
I got it.
Really?
What is it?
All right, now,
Danny is your arch enemy, right?
No, he's my best friend.
Oh, then I got nothing.
Is Danny here?
Uh, no.
Well, did you figure out
what you're going to say to him?
Well, I haven't figured it out
specifically,
but whatever it is,
I know it has to be a lie.
No.
No, Norm,
you have to tell him the truth.
I can't, Lori.
I don't know what to say to him.
Well, that's why I'm here.
We're going to role play.
I don't want to play
a stupid game.
No, it's not stupid.
It's going to help.
Now, you be Danny
and I'll be you.
All right.
All right.
Hi, uh, hi there, Norm.
It's me, Danny.
Danny, there's something
I need to tell you.
Uh, it's going to be
a little hard to hear.
Unfortunately, Taylor
has fallen in love with me.
Uh, well, Norm,
I, uh, I forgive you.
Oh, that went well.
No.
You don't get out of it
that easily, Norm.
No, I think I do.
Norm, I choose
to forgive you completely.
No, no, no.
No, it's not going
to be that simple.
It could turn ugly.
Oh, yeah, no, no.
I think he'll forgive me.
He might not talk to you
for a really long time.
Your games are no fun.
Hey, is anybody here?
All right, that's him.
That's him.
Now just get it over with.
Right, right.
Uh, uh, hey, Danny,
is that you?
Yeah, open up, man.
Yeah, I know I'd love
to have you in,
but, uh, the air conditioning's on,
so, uh, I'm just going
to say this through the door.
Oh, no.
Taylor.
Danny brought Taylor.
This comes as no surprise
to us as we've seen you
together many times.
Well, we have a little
surprise for you.
We're engaged.
Oh, my God.
You're engaged?
Yeah, I know.
I said I was going to wait
until Friday,
but I was just so excited,
and I couldn't wait.
Well, thanks for stopping by.
Hey, Lori,
have you got any white-out?
No.
I'm going mano-a-mano
with the budget over here.
I suppose I'm going to be here
for the whole damn night.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.
I'm going to be here for the whole thing.

Episode 32   I've Got a Crush on You 2000 10 06

Norm, Norm, you're never going to believe who I just saw in the elevator.
Bob Barker.
What?
Well, you didn't give me much to go on.
No, no, no, Shelly.
Shelly's back.
She's on her way in.
No way.
Yeah, she moved back from Colorado.
She's working next door again.
Oh, boy.
Oh, imagine.
After she dumped me, how surprised she's going to be.
What a huge success I've made of.
Damn it!
I haven't made her.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Shelly.
Norm.
Hey, Shelly.
How you doing?
Good to see you, Norm.
Yeah, so you came back, huh?
Yeah.
Kind of weird, huh?
Yeah, it is.
It's kind of like one of those things when one person, you know, leaves the
city and goes
to another city and then comes back from that city to the original city.
Almost exactly like that.
Look, Norm, I came over to get something from the printer, but I really wanted
to say hi.
I know me being back is a little awkward, but I hope we can be friends.
Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
So, are you seeing anyone?
No, no.
Oh, I am.
Me, too.
Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm seeing a nice girl.
Her name is, uh, her name is, uh...
Jane?
Jane, exactly.
Nice girl.
Oh, my goodness.
I don't want to say she's better than you, but, well, Shelly, she is a little
better than
you.
I don't even want to tell you what she looks like.
Why?
What does she look like?
Well, she's kind of, uh...
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you're hard to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Attention, everybody.
I'm going to be working out here for the next week or so while I do some renovations
in
my office and, as it turns out, I haven't had the flu for the last 18 months.
There's just been asbestos in my walls.
Sorry about the inconvenience, Mr. Denby.
The workman promised your office will be asbestos-free by the end of the week.
Oh, thank you, Thomas.
Thank you.
I just got a few things here.
They'll help me feel more at home.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
Sir, may I say that now that you're out amongst us, it's not like you're the
boss anymore,
you know?
You're just like one of us, sir.
Except, of course, that you have a huge prostate.
Thomas.
Thomas?
I'm going to need more privacy here.
I'll see if I can get a little screen to put around your desk, sir.
Norm, I did it!
Oh, you got the ring, huh?
Yeah, yeah, it almost broke me, but I'm going to propose to Taylor tonight.
Oh, that's great.
The ladies love the ice, don't they?
Did you know that there's a rule you're supposed to spend three months' salary?
I'd like to meet the bitch who came up with that.
Hi.
Rory, Rory.
Well, Danny's going to be asking Taylor a certain question tonight, huh?
Oh, Danny!
Unless, oh my God, I can't get it off.
My knuckle is completely swollen.
Oh, here it is.
What?
I didn't know you were going to propose to Taylor.
You think it's a good idea, don't you?
Of course it's a good idea.
I mean, Taylor's a little young.
Most women don't start thinking about marriage until they're mid-40s.
I'm so nervous.
I mean, what if she doesn't say yes?
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Of course she'll say yes.
Hey, just to be on the safe side,
why don't you kill every other man on Earth?
No.
Hi, Norm.
Listen, I know we have some things to work through,
so I brought you a little peace offering.
A donut?
You think a donut is going to make up
for all the pain and suffering you caused me?
It's jelly.
Jelly donut?
Maybe I'll see you later at the bar.
Oh, my God.
You guys, you guys, look at this.
Who uses our printer?
Oh, does Shelly still use our printer?
Yeah, yeah.
The other day she used a printer.
Oh, my God, I found this in the print tray.
Look, Norm is so damn unpredictable.
Maybe that's what's so captivating about him.
I've tried to deny these feelings,
but it hurts too much to keep them inside.
I know Norm is bad for me,
but I can't help myself.
God, I knew it.
She likes me.
She likes me.
Oh, my God.
Shelly must have printed her personal diary by accident.
But why did she print it sideways?
That is the shocking part, isn't it?
See what this means?
She came back from Colorado to see me.
You know, I printed something sideways once,
but that was a software issue.
Shut up!
Hey, you know what, Lori?
Maybe it's wrong to read Shelly's journal like this.
Yeah, so you're not going to read it?
I'm going to read it.
I was just saying it's probably wrong.
Look at you, Artie.
Tend the bar.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah, I tell you,
it's a lot like being a psychiatrist.
The only difference is I have alcohol,
so I actually help people.
It really is a beautiful ring, Danny.
Whenever I've thought of an engagement ring on my hand,
I always pictured it just like that.
You might want to put a piece of coal in your bottom drawer
so it'll be ready in time.
Artie, do you smoke?
No.
You really should.
Hi, guys.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
Okay, you guys have to tell me
if the way I'm going to propose to Taylor
seems sweet or desperate, okay?
Now, first,
I'm going to present her with this cake.
See, it says,
Taylor, marry me.
Oh, Danny, that's really sweet.
Then, you know,
I didn't want to get too fancy, you know,
so I was just going to say,
Taylor, I love you.
Please be my wife.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah.
Very, very sweet.
Then I noticed
that she's wearing jeans and a red sweater today,
so I thought,
before I propose,
I'll change into jeans and a red sweater
as a way of saying
that we're a perfect match.
Well,
I would do the first two now,
and I would save the third one
for sometime later
when you might want to creep her out.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Shelly.
Hi, Norm.
Hi.
Sorry I was late,
but I wanted to be on time,
but I guess I'm just so damn unpredictable, right?
Yeah, I guess maybe
that's what's so captivating about me,
if you know what I mean.
Well, listen,
I've got to go to the bathroom.
You know,
I've tried to deny these feelings,
but they hurt too much
to keep inside, so...
If you know what I mean.
Okay, I didn't want him to have an accident,
but no,
I don't know what he means.
Oh, Shelly,
I can't bear to watch it any longer.
Lori, don't.
No, I have to say,
Shelly, you know how your office uses our printer?
We don't anymore.
What?
We got our own printers last week.
Wait, so all that stuff
wasn't in your journal
you don't have a secret crush on Norm?
What?
No.
I mean, obviously,
I cared about him a lot,
but that was a year ago.
Since then, I've grown.
My needs have changed.
Oh, and I got my meds adjusted.
Ah, Nacho.
I know they're bad for me,
but I'm not sure I can help myself.
I don't have a secret crush on you, Norm.
It isn't her diary.
It's not?
Well, this must be terribly embarrassing for you, Shelly.
I, uh...
I don't understand.
If it's...
If it's not you,
who could it be?
Who could who be?
Someone in the office
has a secret crush on Norm.
Well, it better not be
that heavyset woman
in accounting
with the muscular arms.
She's mine.
Excuse me, guys.
Is Norm here?
Norm just left.
Oh, he came down to our floor
and he left his jacket there again.
It's like the third time this month.
He's so irresponsible.
It's Thomas.
This is rich.
It's a man.
It's a man.
It's a crush on Norm.
But Norm's not gay, though, is he?
No, he's not gay.
Well, you're absolutely sure?
Yeah.
Hey!
Oh, hey, Taylor.
I had them save you, uh,
your favorite table.
I wanted to talk to you
about something.
Okay.
Okay, uh...
Taylor, I just want to say...
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
Can I have your attention, please?
Juanita, I love you.
I ask you now
before God
and all of these people,
will you marry me?
Don't answer me now.
There's a limo waiting outside
to take us to the airport.
I want to fly you to Paris
so that I might hear my answer
in the City of Light.
Wish us Godspeed!
Oh, did you see that?
See what?
Never mind.
Hey, is that a cake?
What?
Oh, yeah.
Um, yeah, um,
I, uh...
I just wanted the icing.
You can have the rest.
I can't believe that Thomas
is the one with the crush on me.
What a jip!
Well,
why can't you just be flattered?
I mean, it's a one-sided attraction.
Big deal.
What if Thomas were a woman?
What do you mean?
Well, what if there was a woman
who was attracted to you
but you didn't want
to have sex with her?
I don't understand.
Did you figure out
a romantic way
to propose yet?
Uh, well,
I was going to do it
on a Staten Island ferry
but I got seasick
and an old lady
slipped on my vomit
and broke her hip.
Hey, Taylor,
I've got a lot of work to do
so please,
please see that I'm not disturbed.
Yes, sir?
What is he doing in there
that he needs all the privacy?
I don't know
but I figured out a way
to find out.
Here you are, sir.
I didn't know I'd be sad.
Um, excuse me, sir?
Yeah?
I'm late for lunch
but before I go
do you want me to print out
the year-end report?
Yeah, fine, fine.
Yeah, and, um...
I'm sorry, sir
but my nephew's gonna need
that hat back
by the end of the day.
Oh, hey, Thomas.
Hey, Norm.
Uh, listen,
I need to talk to you, Thomas.
Okay.
Look, uh,
no one blames you
for being attracted to me
but, uh, you have to
keep your feelings
to yourself.
And that goes
for the rest of you, too.
I'm not attracted to you.
Look, look, Thomas,
I read your journal, so...
I don't have a journal.
Oh, you don't have
a journal, huh?
Yeah.
And, uh, and I suppose
you also don't get lost
looking into my eyes?
I suppose you, uh,
you don't quiver
at the thought of me
taking you in my arms?
I suppose you don't
feel particularly aroused
each month
when you ovulate?
You ovulate?
Why didn't anybody
read this all the way
through, huh?
Hey, uh, Norm,
I gotta go,
but that's my stuff
in the printer.
Could you give it
to Mr. Demby?
Oh, yeah, sure, sure,
tell me.
It's Taylor.
What?
Huh?
Oh, I was just saying,
it's, it's Taylor.
I was trying to remember,
uh, Andy of Mayberry's
last name.
It's Taylor!
Let's do Goober.
What's Goober's last name?
I can't remember.
Goober.
Lori, thank God
you're here.
Listen, you know
who's in love with me?
Taylor.
Huh?
Rip, Taylor?
This is Taylor's journal.
Oh, this is not.
It is.
Hers is the only computer
that prints out
sideways like that.
Oh, this is crazy.
Yeah, I can't believe this.
Danny's gonna ask Taylor
to marry him,
and all Taylor can think about
is riding a painted pony
on the old normie go-round.
Maybe the diary's
just a fantasy.
It's just a safe way
for her to sew some oats.
Oh, come on, Lori.
How many oats
could she have left to sew?
She used to be a hooker.
All right.
I'm gonna get to the bottom
of this, then,
because there has got to be
some logical explanation.
Hey, Taylor.
Oh, what are you doing?
Oh, no.
You know that game
that gals play
when they tell each other
all the men
that they're attracted to
that they see every day?
Do you know that one?
Well, it seems dumb,
but you're pretty excited,
so let's go.
Okay, great.
Because I don't mind admitting
that I find
Fat Mike the Muffin Man
kind of sexy.
You're kidding.
Yeah, I don't know why.
It's just something
about a big man
in shorts dragging a wagon.
Lori, what's going on?
Well, we found these
pages in the printer.
Oh, my God.
Now, obviously,
I know that you don't
really want to be
with Norm.
Taylor.
Promise me
that Norm will never know.
Norm?
Yeah, okay.
I can't help it.
I mean, Danny's been
doing great to me,
but I have these
feelings for Norm,
and I don't know
if I'll ever feel
that way about Danny.
Well, Taylor,
I don't mean to judge you,
but these feelings
that you're having
are very, very stupid.
Do you think
I would want to feel
this way?
Maybe it goes back
to Norm getting me
out of a massage parlor
or something.
I don't know.
Taylor, what about Danny?
I know.
He thinks you're
head over heels for him,
and he sure is for you.
You know, Danny was
my first boyfriend
since I cleaned up,
you know, and it was
wonderful because
it felt so sweet
and so normal.
But now, I don't know.
Well, well, he's
about to ask you
to marry him.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is a horrible,
horrible disaster.
I don't think
that's the