Name: Episode 35 Norm vs Halloween 2000 10 27
Uploaded: 2022-06-11T05:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 35 Norm vs Halloween 2000 10 27' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-11. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 35 Norm vs Halloween 2000 10 27' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-11. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

hey Danny hey how's your after-school study group going mm-hmm those are good
kids Danny I'll tell you that but they're not focused you know yeah but
maybe I'm being a little too hard on them you know true focus only comes with
maturity you know they're waiting for you in the counseling room oh are they
holy lord here listen listen I know I'm late and I could lie to you but but I'm
gonna tell you the truth because I think you'll learn from that you know I
screwed up and I accept complete responsibility for it how come you're
late I was saving some puppies from a burning building anyway what are we
studying today instead of helping us with our homework can we talk about
Halloween
yeah yeah sure well Halloween is your basic satanic holiday who knows who Satan
is Jimmy he's the source of all the evil in
in the world yes he is that's right but he also loves to give kids candy so
let's not be quick to judge can't go trick-or-treating anymore cuz last year
our neighborhood got kind of dangerous oh well it's always been like that hey
when
I was a kid you know my parents were always worried about the hooligans with
their shaving cream and their water balloons and so forth somebody blew up a
car good lord
blew up a car oh my god it's not like the Knicks won the championship or
anything well listen I feel bad for you kids how about how about I take you out
for Halloween trick-or-treating how'd that be huh
oh yeah yeah I know a rich neighborhood we can go to oh my god last year I went
they have big candy huge
last year I got a crackerjack box it had a Buick LeSabre
you all know Mr. Denby aren't you kids lucky to have Mr. Henderson as a social
worker although actually he isn't technically a social worker what he is I
believe the correct term would be a tax evading hockey cheater should rightfully
be getting shanked in prison
kids remember this is what you'll look like if you forget to put your sunscreen
on so every day
Mr. Denby I'm sorry to pester you but I really need to get those papers signed
all right sure I'll have you know that this face when I was a child this face
sold one million pairs of orthopedic baby shoes
so kids I could stand over you as if you were little babies and watch you do
your homework
I'll go hit on Shelly go hit on Shelly yeah
Shelly yeah listen are you are you free on Saturday night no may I take that as
a yes
no may I take that as a yes
in the interest of saving us the hour we lost doing this yesterday there is no
way in hell that I'm going out with you under any circumstances
oh well hey now that we have an hour free you want to make out over by the
fountain
so tell me what you know what how did your blind date go with the sexy phone
voice guy well sexy
phone voice guy is technically not a midget which he explained to me at length
as they were getting his booster seat
funny I know it's tough out there I don't know I think uh maybe I ought to just
give up dating altogether
oh no no you can't throw the the baby-sized man out with the bath water then
yeah I mean every time you have a bad date you stop dating for like three
months you gotta get back in the game
Taylor left me a couple of weeks ago and I'm totally over her in fact I'm
seeing a lovely woman tonight
if you're so over Taylor why do you have a picture on your desk it's one little
picture doesn't mean anything
it's just a block what's the big deal you know what though maybe Danny's right
maybe the key is volume
I'll just date more and that way the more I date the quicker I'll find the
right guy
well you can start by looking on the fourth floor they're giving a safety
demonstration down
there and it is crawling with firemen oh firemen oh god and now they they do
have the height requirement
right okay you go ahead I'm gonna put on some lip gloss whatever firemen I can't
believe you're
attracted to firemen what a cliche you mean a cliche like men are attracted to
big-breasted women
hey that's completely different we don't care what they do for a living
okay so how do I look you're asking me how you look so you can go flirt
with other men you've hurt me Shelly you've hurt me in a way that only sex can
heal
she treats me like one of her girlfriends now well I guess she doesn't think of
you in a romantic way
anymore like the way she thinks about firemen hey wait a minute that's it I got
an idea maybe I I can
dress up like a fireman you know I mean Halloween's coming up right yes once
again thank you Satan
I'm not as smart as you thought you were in the first place
too bad look how hard is this to figure out I've got the hat all I need is the
rest of the fireman's
outfit yeah yeah yeah I need coat boots rubber pants and alarm why do you think
that's crazy I mean if
your station gets a call for a fire I'll bring it back
all I need is the rest of the fireman's outfit yeah yeah I need coat boots
rubber pants and alarm
why do you think that's crazy I mean if your station gets a call for a fire I'll
bring it back
oh well I'm back from my lunch date oh how'd that go uh he was a very
attractive man once I got past
the crazy Howard Hughes fingernails tangled around his Reuben sandwich how do
you get past a thing like
that uh you leave yeah listen Laura you know I know I told you to go on a lot
of dates but I didn't
mean you to you know throw open the doors like a fire sale you know what I mean
I give up hey listen
Lori maybe you're going about this the wrong way you know that old saying huh
if you don't look for
love love will find you no when I stop looking for love the only thing that
finds me is a depression
that makes me stop grooming myself
well thanks for lunch I had fun yeah me too
well bye bye
you're so lucky you found somebody she seems really nice
yeah she is but being with her made me realize how much I miss Taylor
I know how you feel Danny I miss Taylor too you know I used to pretend I was
you
I think I've said enough
oh hey Shelly hey uh wait to see my costume on Halloween I'll give you a hint
uh it'll make
you weaken the knees you're coming as polio
you'll change your tune when you see my costume on Friday believe me
I'm not coming into the office on Friday what why why not because I'm gonna be
running all over
town doing errands for the probation officers Halloween beer bath nothing more
fun than underpaid
drunks with guns well you're all invited and there's going to be a prize for
best costume
you know Martha and I won a prize for best costume once we went as bacon and
eggs as because uh
this is uh based on something I said later that evening I've always been
something of a ham
I'm funny damn it
oh hey kids hey uh I'll be uh I'll be with you in a minute
uh oh no what this party this goes on from six to eight that's when I was
supposed to take those
kids trick-or-treat and I told them so don't go to the party oh no I gotta go
to the party I gotta
go to the party because that's the only way that Shelly will see me in my fireman's
outfit and realize
how hot I am hey I put that hat on last night I swear to god if I wasn't as
straight to the railroad
track I would have been all over myself so uh what are you gonna do I'm just
gonna have to
tell the kids that I can't take them trick-or-treating that's all oh I know I'll
soften the blow
by giving them some of these free writing fun sticks oh hey kids hey listen we
gotta talk
uh-oh he's got the fun sticks again I guess we're not going out for Halloween
well I resent that don't you
think that old Uncle Norm can just give you some some magic fun sticks just for
for free sometimes you
notice there always have to be a catch I'll tell you what why don't you guys uh
write on some of these uh
magic rectangles and I'll talk to you later
so did you tell the kids no I couldn't I couldn't bring myself to I guess I'm
just gonna have to
figure out how to be at two places at the same time hmm you're screwed yeah
maybe I am screwed
I'll be back in a few minutes I'll be here
well hello glory that's a great costume I'm exactly the kind of guy that I
would want to date
except I'm too short too thin and kind of femmy
so uh where's Norm I want to see this irresistible costume he was talking
Norm didn't know if he was going to be able to make it because he had to take
his study group out
trick-or-treating okay but what is it oh I don't think my noodle just worked
its way to the back of my shorts here
hi how's it going with Debbie tonight uh really well I think we've turned some
kind of corner
hi guys oh my god who am I supposed to be again I told you Jessica Rabbit I
mean the moment I saw
you I said this woman was born to play Jessica Rabbit oh yeah I think I look
more like Ginger from
Gilligan's Island okay that's fine okay don't be long could you could you go
how could you do that do what Danny you dressed her to look just like Taylor
no I can't believe you I would never it's really working I love her now
okay great costume are you a big kiss fan I've been known to rock and roll all
night and party every
great costumes there really really good I I gotta I gotta I need to call Gene
Simmons and tell him in 20 years he should hang
himself
could you could you help me read the instructions for the fire blowing kit yeah
because I I didn't bring my
reading glasses I said I sort of thought it would spoil the whole dark lord
thing I got going
hey what you're about the best looking guy I've seen her all night well yeah
you're no slouch in the
lady department either is this your first time at a probation officer's halloween
party yeah normally
I go to the party for water and power because those guys usually end up drunk
and then they go skinny
dipping in the city's water supply I can't believe they do that yeah I know I
know that water's not
safe for swimming listen I'm gonna grab a beer do you want one sure yeah okay
hey look at this I just met this really cute guy really where is he he's over
there adjusting his pantyhose
Lori um I'm a little buzzed but I'm pretty sure that's a woman what no that's a
guy
he was flirting with me why would a woman be flirting with another oh
all right kids let's go well let's kind of hurry up here your old uncle norm
has a place to go there
let's do it I don't understand how come no one has any candy yeah I don't know
I don't know what's
going on here but you know trick-or-treating is a lot like dating kids you know
yeah you have to hit on a
lot of doors before you you get some candy
trick-or-treat hello rich lady we are here for candy
I'm very sorry I don't have any candy
I don't feel bad kids we don't want her dried up old candy anyway
hey hey Artie hey how much you guys get man ah we're doing bad nobody got
anything well I got
a a a new idea hey kids all grouped together over here would you come on let's
go let's go okay
now this is what we're gonna do all the cute kids you get up front
all the unfortunate looking ones you get them back come on kids you know who
you are don't make me do this
okay excellent let's go
trick-or-treats hello oh may I say that heaven is missing an angel tonight
not for long
I'm sorry but I can't give you any candy hey lady what's with this building why
won't anybody give
us any candy well we had a co-op board meeting and we all agreed we wouldn't
give candy to any
children who didn't live in the building oh oh yeah well uh you see these kids
live in kind of a tough
neighborhood the reason we didn't go trick-or-treating there is too dangerous
you know there's a reason
those neighborhoods are dangerous and frankly we don't want that element here
ah come on lady this
is halloween huh come on what would satan think of you he wouldn't be very
happy you don't leave i'm
going to call security norm it's okay let's just get out of here yeah i don't
think they like us
yeah man let's just leave you go to your party i'll buy the kids some candy and
drop them off at the edge
of the neighborhood
i'd say the kid's the wrong message if i do that you know somebody's got to
teach these kids what's
right that's right it's going to be me everybody hide
fire there's a fire there's a huge fire going on in your building nobody panic
just move along oh dear
can i take the elevator oh the elevator sure what's the worst that could happen
you're trapped in a fiery
box go ahead
okay now listen kids now you don't want to do anything illegal all right we're
just trying to make
a point so only take candy hey look the chocolate stereo
this wig is hot i'm gonna take it off no no no no it's just that you look so
beautiful
if i could have created a woman i couldn't make one as perfect as you
gee danny hey please don't talk oh my god what my ex-boyfriend's over there
that's your ex-boyfriend yeah wow what is it well you're it's just that you're
dating me because i
remind you of your ex-boyfriend oh god i don't want you to know yeah well it's
okay i'm kind of
doing the same thing with you i look like your ex oh now you do i mean same
hair skirt mold and
you're wearing the underwear i give you right
god what is wrong with you well what do you mean you did the same thing but you
dress me up i didn't
put you in that frumpy bald guy costume god did
norm no oh you look really good in that costume yeah yeah crazy sexy i know
listen
where's shelly huh did i miss her no shelly is in the ladies room look do me a
paper would you come
on see the nurse sitting right over there is that a guy or a girl well laurie i
think at
this point in your love life that's a minor consideration
never mind hey how'd it go with the kids oh well the trick-or-treating didn't
go so
good but uh the breaking and entering went great yeah listen no matter what you
heard on the news
tonight uh we were morally in the right shelly shelly hey hey that looks great
i didn't know you were
coming as a shiny vinyl zipper lady i'm cat woman you know it could be the wine
talking or maybe it's the
vodka but you do look good as a fireman oh yeah yeah somebody earlier said
crazy sexy whatever
um i just called 911 mr denby was practicing his act in the bathroom and he set
fire to a stall
good lord what the hell did he eat no i don't normally do this but would you
like to come back to my place
well uh i'm kind of old-fashioned and uh before i go home with somebody i just
need to know if their intentions are honorable
and uh if they have a penis
i don't have a penis why would i have a penis you have a penis i don't have a
penis oh my god
this is like a bad children's book everybody everybody uh i just wanted
everyone to know the fire is out
oh sir your costume smells like smoke i hope the rental company gives you your
deposit back well
luckily for me i own i own this
get over for it you look so handsome and brave i never saw you like this before
you know what i'm starting to feel some of those old feelings again
and you are the only one here in a fireman's outfit excuse me everyone excuse
me
can i have your attention nymfg has to come through evidently someone in a kid's
outfit set the bathroom
on fire
please please form a single file line and exit through the front doors sorry
norm
you know i'm feeling a little lightheaded do you think you could help me out of
here
do you need me to carry you okay
hey shelley shelley don't forget that old saying about firemen don't be such a
huge whore
welcome to the couch of despair
you know this wasn't the worst halloween ever i guess not one last year was
pretty bad remember
that big fat woman dressed as lady godiva
yeah that was me
let's make a pact if one of us gets married the other two just marry each other
okay
unless you get married first you know because then yeah what the hell yeah
what could be taking so long to count the stupid ballots clearly i'm wearing
the best costume here
all right everybody i've counted the ballots the results are in the best
costume award for this
year's probation officer halloween beer bash goes to bacon and eggs
i want to tell you something about this guy he's always been something of a ham

Episode 35   Norm vs Halloween 2000 10 27

hey Danny hey how's your after-school study group going mm-hmm those are good
kids Danny I'll tell you that but they're not focused you know yeah but
maybe I'm being a little too hard on them you know true focus only comes with
maturity you know they're waiting for you in the counseling room oh are they
holy lord here listen listen I know I'm late and I could lie to you but but I'm
gonna tell you the truth because I think you'll learn from that you know I
screwed up and I accept complete responsibility for it how come you're
late I was saving some puppies from a burning building anyway what are we
studying today instead of helping us with our homework can we talk about
Halloween
yeah yeah sure well Halloween is your basic satanic holiday who knows who Satan
is Jimmy he's the source of all the evil in
in the world yes he is that's right but he also loves to give kids candy so
let's not be quick to judge can't go trick-or-treating anymore cuz last year
our neighborhood got kind of dangerous oh well it's always been like that hey
when
I was a kid you know my parents were always worried about the hooligans with
their shaving cream and their water balloons and so forth somebody blew up a
car good lord
blew up a car oh my god it's not like the Knicks won the championship or
anything well listen I feel bad for you kids how about how about I take you out
for Halloween trick-or-treating how'd that be huh
oh yeah yeah I know a rich neighborhood we can go to oh my god last year I went
they have big candy huge
last year I got a crackerjack box it had a Buick LeSabre
you all know Mr. Denby aren't you kids lucky to have Mr. Henderson as a social
worker although actually he isn't technically a social worker what he is I
believe the correct term would be a tax evading hockey cheater should rightfully
be getting shanked in prison
kids remember this is what you'll look like if you forget to put your sunscreen
on so every day
Mr. Denby I'm sorry to pester you but I really need to get those papers signed
all right sure I'll have you know that this face when I was a child this face
sold one million pairs of orthopedic baby shoes
so kids I could stand over you as if you were little babies and watch you do
your homework
I'll go hit on Shelly go hit on Shelly yeah
Shelly yeah listen are you are you free on Saturday night no may I take that as
a yes
no may I take that as a yes
in the interest of saving us the hour we lost doing this yesterday there is no
way in hell that I'm going out with you under any circumstances
oh well hey now that we have an hour free you want to make out over by the
fountain
so tell me what you know what how did your blind date go with the sexy phone
voice guy well sexy
phone voice guy is technically not a midget which he explained to me at length
as they were getting his booster seat
funny I know it's tough out there I don't know I think uh maybe I ought to just
give up dating altogether
oh no no you can't throw the the baby-sized man out with the bath water then
yeah I mean every time you have a bad date you stop dating for like three
months you gotta get back in the game
Taylor left me a couple of weeks ago and I'm totally over her in fact I'm
seeing a lovely woman tonight
if you're so over Taylor why do you have a picture on your desk it's one little
picture doesn't mean anything
it's just a block what's the big deal you know what though maybe Danny's right
maybe the key is volume
I'll just date more and that way the more I date the quicker I'll find the
right guy
well you can start by looking on the fourth floor they're giving a safety
demonstration down
there and it is crawling with firemen oh firemen oh god and now they they do
have the height requirement
right okay you go ahead I'm gonna put on some lip gloss whatever firemen I can't
believe you're
attracted to firemen what a cliche you mean a cliche like men are attracted to
big-breasted women
hey that's completely different we don't care what they do for a living
okay so how do I look you're asking me how you look so you can go flirt
with other men you've hurt me Shelly you've hurt me in a way that only sex can
heal
she treats me like one of her girlfriends now well I guess she doesn't think of
you in a romantic way
anymore like the way she thinks about firemen hey wait a minute that's it I got
an idea maybe I I can
dress up like a fireman you know I mean Halloween's coming up right yes once
again thank you Satan
I'm not as smart as you thought you were in the first place
too bad look how hard is this to figure out I've got the hat all I need is the
rest of the fireman's
outfit yeah yeah yeah I need coat boots rubber pants and alarm why do you think
that's crazy I mean if
your station gets a call for a fire I'll bring it back
all I need is the rest of the fireman's outfit yeah yeah I need coat boots
rubber pants and alarm
why do you think that's crazy I mean if your station gets a call for a fire I'll
bring it back
oh well I'm back from my lunch date oh how'd that go uh he was a very
attractive man once I got past
the crazy Howard Hughes fingernails tangled around his Reuben sandwich how do
you get past a thing like
that uh you leave yeah listen Laura you know I know I told you to go on a lot
of dates but I didn't
mean you to you know throw open the doors like a fire sale you know what I mean
I give up hey listen
Lori maybe you're going about this the wrong way you know that old saying huh
if you don't look for
love love will find you no when I stop looking for love the only thing that
finds me is a depression
that makes me stop grooming myself
well thanks for lunch I had fun yeah me too
well bye bye
you're so lucky you found somebody she seems really nice
yeah she is but being with her made me realize how much I miss Taylor
I know how you feel Danny I miss Taylor too you know I used to pretend I was
you
I think I've said enough
oh hey Shelly hey uh wait to see my costume on Halloween I'll give you a hint
uh it'll make
you weaken the knees you're coming as polio
you'll change your tune when you see my costume on Friday believe me
I'm not coming into the office on Friday what why why not because I'm gonna be
running all over
town doing errands for the probation officers Halloween beer bath nothing more
fun than underpaid
drunks with guns well you're all invited and there's going to be a prize for
best costume
you know Martha and I won a prize for best costume once we went as bacon and
eggs as because uh
this is uh based on something I said later that evening I've always been
something of a ham
I'm funny damn it
oh hey kids hey uh I'll be uh I'll be with you in a minute
uh oh no what this party this goes on from six to eight that's when I was
supposed to take those
kids trick-or-treat and I told them so don't go to the party oh no I gotta go
to the party I gotta
go to the party because that's the only way that Shelly will see me in my fireman's
outfit and realize
how hot I am hey I put that hat on last night I swear to god if I wasn't as
straight to the railroad
track I would have been all over myself so uh what are you gonna do I'm just
gonna have to
tell the kids that I can't take them trick-or-treating that's all oh I know I'll
soften the blow
by giving them some of these free writing fun sticks oh hey kids hey listen we
gotta talk
uh-oh he's got the fun sticks again I guess we're not going out for Halloween
well I resent that don't you
think that old Uncle Norm can just give you some some magic fun sticks just for
for free sometimes you
notice there always have to be a catch I'll tell you what why don't you guys uh
write on some of these uh
magic rectangles and I'll talk to you later
so did you tell the kids no I couldn't I couldn't bring myself to I guess I'm
just gonna have to
figure out how to be at two places at the same time hmm you're screwed yeah
maybe I am screwed
I'll be back in a few minutes I'll be here
well hello glory that's a great costume I'm exactly the kind of guy that I
would want to date
except I'm too short too thin and kind of femmy
so uh where's Norm I want to see this irresistible costume he was talking
Norm didn't know if he was going to be able to make it because he had to take
his study group out
trick-or-treating okay but what is it oh I don't think my noodle just worked
its way to the back of my shorts here
hi how's it going with Debbie tonight uh really well I think we've turned some
kind of corner
hi guys oh my god who am I supposed to be again I told you Jessica Rabbit I
mean the moment I saw
you I said this woman was born to play Jessica Rabbit oh yeah I think I look
more like Ginger from
Gilligan's Island okay that's fine okay don't be long could you could you go
how could you do that do what Danny you dressed her to look just like Taylor
no I can't believe you I would never it's really working I love her now
okay great costume are you a big kiss fan I've been known to rock and roll all
night and party every
great costumes there really really good I I gotta I gotta I need to call Gene
Simmons and tell him in 20 years he should hang
himself
could you could you help me read the instructions for the fire blowing kit yeah
because I I didn't bring my
reading glasses I said I sort of thought it would spoil the whole dark lord
thing I got going
hey what you're about the best looking guy I've seen her all night well yeah
you're no slouch in the
lady department either is this your first time at a probation officer's halloween
party yeah normally
I go to the party for water and power because those guys usually end up drunk
and then they go skinny
dipping in the city's water supply I can't believe they do that yeah I know I
know that water's not
safe for swimming listen I'm gonna grab a beer do you want one sure yeah okay
hey look at this I just met this really cute guy really where is he he's over
there adjusting his pantyhose
Lori um I'm a little buzzed but I'm pretty sure that's a woman what no that's a
guy
he was flirting with me why would a woman be flirting with another oh
all right kids let's go well let's kind of hurry up here your old uncle norm
has a place to go there
let's do it I don't understand how come no one has any candy yeah I don't know
I don't know what's
going on here but you know trick-or-treating is a lot like dating kids you know
yeah you have to hit on a
lot of doors before you you get some candy
trick-or-treat hello rich lady we are here for candy
I'm very sorry I don't have any candy
I don't feel bad kids we don't want her dried up old candy anyway
hey hey Artie hey how much you guys get man ah we're doing bad nobody got
anything well I got
a a a new idea hey kids all grouped together over here would you come on let's
go let's go okay
now this is what we're gonna do all the cute kids you get up front
all the unfortunate looking ones you get them back come on kids you know who
you are don't make me do this
okay excellent let's go
trick-or-treats hello oh may I say that heaven is missing an angel tonight
not for long
I'm sorry but I can't give you any candy hey lady what's with this building why
won't anybody give
us any candy well we had a co-op board meeting and we all agreed we wouldn't
give candy to any
children who didn't live in the building oh oh yeah well uh you see these kids
live in kind of a tough
neighborhood the reason we didn't go trick-or-treating there is too dangerous
you know there's a reason
those neighborhoods are dangerous and frankly we don't want that element here
ah come on lady this
is halloween huh come on what would satan think of you he wouldn't be very
happy you don't leave i'm
going to call security norm it's okay let's just get out of here yeah i don't
think they like us
yeah man let's just leave you go to your party i'll buy the kids some candy and
drop them off at the edge
of the neighborhood
i'd say the kid's the wrong message if i do that you know somebody's got to
teach these kids what's
right that's right it's going to be me 