Name: Episode 36 Norm vs The Hopeless Cause 2000 11 03
Uploaded: 2022-06-12T05:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 36 Norm vs The Hopeless Cause 2000 11 03' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-12. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 36 Norm vs The Hopeless Cause 2000 11 03' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-12. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Oh, hey, Lori, I got an idea of how to get Shelly's attention.
Whenever I'm really weak or hurt, she seems to like me.
Like, remember last week how she was all over me
when I got my tongue stuck in the door, remember that?
People are nice when they're amazed, Norm.
Well, anyway, here's the plan.
I'm gonna get Mr. Denby to punch me in the stomach,
and then Shelly will feel sorry for me,
and then she'll like me.
Oh, hey, Mr. Denby.
Mr. Denby, I've got an opportunity of a lifetime for you, sir.
What have you always wanted to do to me?
Oh, set you on fire.
No, no, no, no, sir.
I was just wondering, how would you like to hit me in the stomach?
Well, all right, I suppose I could hit you in the stomach,
but if you were on fire, I might burn my hand.
No, there wouldn't be any fire, sir.
You see, I think Shelly would be more attracted to me
if I was the victim of your, you know,
feeble one-foot-in-the-grave wrath, so I thought...
Oh, Lori, you really want me to hit you?
As hard as I can?
Absolutely, sir.
Yeah, I'll tell you what, I'll give you a running start.
Coffee tastes funny.
Boy, clean your cup.
Uh-oh.
I think he's doing his cleaning thing again.
Oh, no.
What cleaning thing?
Well, you know, Taylor left him,
and whenever Danny gets dumped,
he goes on a cleaning binge.
Did she leave him because he's weird,
or is he weird because she left him?
Now, look, everybody has their own way
of dealing with what I like to call grief, you know?
Like, uh, like when I get, uh,
dumped by a certain hot-looking blonde,
I'll go on a gambling binge.
Norm, would you stop trying to make me feel guilty?
Somebody thinks they're hot.
Mr. Tempe!
He said, he said, he said, he said I could kill him.
He said I could, he said I could.
Oh, no, not with a golf club.
I don't think he actually stipulated.
Norm Henderson,
I'm tired of you skipping your work all the time
and thinking about Shelley all the time.
Not like a cartoon.
Mr. Tempe!
No!
Mr. Tempe!
Ha! Ha!
I know what you're doing, Tempe!
Trying to feign injury to surprise me.
What are you gonna think of next?
Hitting me with this hand?
No!
Norm!
Quit torturing the poor man.
God, you're such a jerk.
Are you all right?
I think I've aggravated an old war injury.
I got it crawling across the border into Canada.
I'll get you some ice.
You know, this is exactly why
I don't want to spend any time with you.
You screwed it up, sir.
What's wrong with you, man?
Then I'll never get together with Shelley.
It's not my fault.
You'd let me set you on fire.
We both have been happy now.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Hey, Rebecca! Laurie!
Whoa, that's Rebecca?
Geez, she doesn't look like a regular lesbian.
She looks more like a porno lesbian.
This is Norm. Norm, Rebecca.
Oh, it's so good to finally meet you.
Yeah, you too, you too.
So you're not into that whole hockey haircut thing, huh?
Not anywhere you can see it.
Oh, well.
Well, I'm gonna go get some alcohol
so I can talk about my private parts.
So, listen, how's it going with that girlfriend of yours?
Oh, not so great. She just dumped me.
She did? Oh, my goodness.
The way you look for her to dump you,
you gotta be real annoying, huh?
You know, she was always telling me
I wasn't sensitive enough.
So I rented terms of endearment,
and I pretended to cry when Deborah Winger died.
And then she says to me,
"Listen, I hate to tell you this when you're upset,
but I'm moving out."
Oh, my God.
That's exactly the same thing
that happened with this girl I like, Shelly.
To prove how sensitive I was,
I was gonna get an old man
to punch me in the stomach.
It's not exactly the same thing.
Rebecca, I am so sorry.
I have to go.
I got paid.
She's my pregnant client.
She's having a craving for peanut butter and crack.
Well, let me ask you something now
that I've always been curious about
about you lesbians.
How is it that if you like breasts so much,
you're not playing with your own all day long?
What makes you think I don't?
That's why I was late.
Oh, my Lord.
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna swear off women.
Hey, hey, that's a good idea.
I'm gonna do that, too.
I mean, I got my job.
I got my bowling league.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a great idea.
Hey, you like bowling.
I like bowling.
What are we doing here, huh?
Rock and roll.
Oh, okay, hey, hey, hey.
No more of that for me and you, pal.
We gotta...
So, Rebecca says you guys
had a great time last night.
Oh, we did.
We went to a ball game,
had about five hot dogs each,
and afterwards, we went under the bleachers
and looked up ladies' dresses.
Hey, will you stop cleaning off my cards?
Hey, that's not a straight.
Don't get on Danny, Artie.
It's his way of working through the pain.
So, listen, guys.
I got kind of a crazy idea, you know,
that I thought I'd learn by you.
See what you thought about it.
What's the idea?
Well, you know,
since Rebecca and I have become such good friends,
and since Rebecca is a lesbian,
then I thought maybe I'd ask her to have sex with me.
What do you think?
You cannot have sex with her, Norm.
She's gay.
Right.
Well, I thought that at first,
but then I realized
that's just that,
what do you call, homophobia.
Hey, I've had sex with lesbians,
but it was before they were lesbians.
Sometimes right before.
Well, I realize it's kind of a complicated issue,
and that's why I will not do anything
until I have your okay.
Uh-uh. It's wrong.
It's absolutely, totally wrong.
Okay, so Lori is leaning toward "don't."
How about you, Artie?
Well, I agree with Lori.
Well, since you don't have your own opinion,
I'll put that down as a maybe.
Danny! Danny, what do you think?
Uh, well, from what I've heard,
uh, I don't think you should go after her.
Huh.
Well, since there's no way
of knowing what he heard,
I put that down as another maybe.
All right.
Look, Norm, everyone in this room
thinks it's a terrible idea.
Everybody in the universe thinks it's a terrible idea.
Do not do it!
What do I have to do
to get a straight answer out of you people?
All right, wiener dog,
I'm gonna leave it up to you.
Now, if you think
I should ask Rebecca to have sex with me,
remain a dog.
Now, are you absolutely sure
a dog?
Well, all right.
If that's the way you feel,
that's the way you feel.
Hey, you ready?
Yeah, come on in, Rebecca.
Come on in.
Uh, listen, uh,
would you care for some wine?
I thought we were going bowling.
Oh.
Oh, you see, the thing is this.
I thought we'd try something new tonight.
What?
Oh, I don't know.
Dr. Zhivago's on the TV there tonight,
and, uh, maybe we could try puzzles,
or, uh, a backgammon's all.
Hey!
You know what's always fun?
Heterosexual intercourse.
How would you like to know that?
Norm.
Oh, yeah, I know,
I know what you're worried about,
but I've been thinking about this,
and I think that people
have the capacity within them
to change, you know?
Uh, as a matter of fact,
most of the movies I've seen,
the, uh, the women's only gay
until the pizza guy shows up anyway, so...
Yeah, Norm,
it's not like I've never had sex
with a man before.
You've had sex with a man?
Yes.
Well, that's excellent!
You know, unless you,
unless you had sex with a man
right before you came here.
No, no.
When I was trying to figure out
who I was,
I, I dated some guys.
Just, it never worked out for me.
I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.
If you have sex with me
and do not like it,
I pay for your bowling shoes.
Norm, it's obvious
that you've been thinking
about this for a while,
but this is a whole new idea to me,
so...
All right, well,
don't worry about it.
You're, uh, you know,
we're just like guys.
We're buddies.
You know what I mean?
That's how you gotta think of this,
and what do buddies do?
They have sex.
You know what I mean?
Oh, well, well, in that case,
I'll just take off my clothes,
and you can have at me.
No, no, you,
you got me all wrong there.
I, I'm talking more of a,
a prolonged courtship,
at the end of which,
we may or may not have sex.
You know?
You didn't think that I meant
I wanted to have actual sex
with you tonight.
Not now, weinerdug.
Later, later.
I, I don't know
where he gets these ideas.
Look, you know,
this, this, this is a crazy experiment,
but you wanna give it a shot.
Oh, okay.
And we're gonna go slow now.
Okay.
So, first of all,
I will look at you
in a romantic way.
All right.
Here goes.
Well, you're laughing.
That's good.
That's just like straight women do.
So, um,
you're learning quick.
Now, next,
we do what, in my language,
we call kissing.
I know how to kiss, Norm.
Really?
You guys do that too?
What did you think we did?
Oh, I don't know.
I, I just figured, you know,
there was a lot of giggling going on.
So, so are you ready?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, right.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What, what?
I, I don't know.
What are you talking about?
That was excellent.
You didn't like that?
No, no, no, no.
I liked it.
I liked it.
But, but, this is a huge step for me.
I mean, what if we get halfway into it
and I change my mind?
Oh, I'll be finished by then.
That's okay.
You know, Norm,
as inviting as that sounds,
I really think that I, I'm gonna have to think about this.
I, I'm gonna go.
Huh? Uh, no, wait, wait.
All right, I have another plan.
I didn't want to do this,
but, uh, hold on a second, all right?
I, I think you're gonna,
I think you're gonna enjoy this.
All right, I'm a lady.
Hey Norm, I didn't know there was a homosexual conversion center in this mall.
Oh yeah, yeah, they just opened it.
Last year, this place was an Orange Julius stand.
Look man, this place is bogus. Let's just beat it.
Oh, no, no, I, I, I need these people to tell me what to do about Rebecca, you
know?
She really likes me.
But, but something is holding her back.
Maybe it's your total lack of any kind of vagina.
Look, this place works, all right?
Look at this.
They converted this guy.
Here he is in a pair of chaps.
And then here he is in the after picture.
He's at church with his family.
He looks happier than a chaps.
Can I help you?
Hi, hi, uh, are you in charge here?
Yep, me and my husband run the place.
Now what can I do for you?
Oh, well, the problem is my girlfriend.
Why don't you let me talk to her?
Oh, well, sure.
Nice to meet you, honey.
Look lady, you got the wrong idea.
Hey, didn't you coach me in football once?
Yeah, you see, you see, we're, we're both straight.
Son, deep down we're all straight.
You boys may not believe this, but I was once a lesbian myself.
Real butch, too.
Come on now, Shirley, you're, you're joking with us there, sir.
I mean, ma'am.
Yep.
I used to have sex with women.
Sex with women.
Tall, short, young, old.
I didn't give a hoot in hell.
All cured now, though.
Well, congratulations.
Well, here's the thing.
Uh, you see, uh, I have a girl that I really like
more than I've liked a girl in a long time,
but the problem is, she, she's gay.
Uh, so, what I wanted to ask you is, uh,
how straight could you make her for, let's say, $25?
We'll talk price later.
Now, let's see, you're a handsome young man.
I bet she's a fine-looking lady.
Oh, my God, she's beautiful.
She's, she's got blonde hair, blue eyes.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, flawless complexion.
Uh-huh, got a picture?
Got a picture?
No, no, I, I don't have a picture.
Hey, Artie, come on, I, I think we're gonna go, you know?
Uh, uh, I mean, this, this place worked for you,
but it's obvious that you're only a, uh, uh, a little gay.
Ruby, am I gonna have to move all these boxes by myself?
Do you mind? I'm seeing some clients here.
I'd like to meet my husband, Dennis.
Oh.
Hi, Danny.
We drew up a little schedule, and you're gonna be consoled at Norm's on Mondays
and Thursdays,
and then, uh, over at my place on Tuesdays and Fridays.
And listen, I know how hard the weekends are for you, so I brought in my broiling
pan.
Oh, thanks, Lori.
Okay.
Lori, that's awful. I can't believe you're using him like that.
You can have him on Wednesdays.
Danny, could I see you in the counseling room?
Sure.
So, Danny, I hear you and Taylor broke up.
Well, she, uh, she broke up with me.
Boy, that table's dusty.
Now, Danny, you can't clean the pain away.
I don't know. It seems to be helping.
You have to face the pain, Danny.
I want you to focus on the pain.
Danny, Taylor, beautiful, wonderful Taylor, left you.
She's gone, and she's never, ever coming back.
It's all right, everybody. Everything's fine.
Windex?
Thanks.
Lori, Lori, you gotta help me get Rebecca.
Oh, Norm, please stop chasing her. She's a lesbian.
I know that, but she told me she had sex with a guy, so in my book, she's a
lesbian with an asterisk.
Well, forget it. I'm not, no, please don't ask me.
Come on, come on. I really, really like her, and I know she likes me.
Yes, I know she does like you.
Right, right. So, so then there's still a chance, you know?
Look, you gotta do this, you know? Otherwise, my only other option is to use
the spray that I got at the Homosexual Conversion Center.
Oh.
All right, I'll talk to her. Now just go away before I change my mind.
Thanks, Lori. Thanks, I appreciate this, and I'm gonna pay you back. I'm gonna
get you a date with the hottest gay man in the city.
I don't even know.
Oh, this is great.
I know.
We haven't done this in years.
Hey, look, there's a little wine person in my glass.
Hello there, little wine person. Oh, wait, that's my reflection.
Oh, but seriously, there's something I have to say to you.
I know that you've been, um, seeing a lot of Norm lately, and Norm is a great
guy.
Oh, great guy. Oh, he's great, and you know, if you ever wanted to try a
straight relationship, Norm might be the guy you could, uh, try that with.
All right, I said that. Now more wine.
Oh, you know, Lori, I just, I don't know. I mean, I don't know if I'm really
interested in Norm or if I'm just on the rebound from Donna. It is very
confusing.
Yeah, but you just have to look at the pros and cons of men, you know?
Uh, one good thing about men is that they're simple.
You mean, like, uncomplicated? No.
No, simple.
But, but, they have these huge, fragile egos.
Yeah, but see, uh, but it's not really that bad. See, it's like they're, uh, pythons.
One compliment about their genitals. They could live off that for months.
And, and I guess their erogenous zones a little easier to find.
Yes, those are easier to find. And, hey, if you can't find it, they're gonna
put your hand right on there anyway.
You know, Lori, you're not making much of a case for men.
Yeah, well, I finally realized where all my problems stem from. It's men.
Ugh, I know exactly what you mean.
I just, I do not get what I need from men.
Yeah, well, you know, realizing that is the first step.
Cause so many men are just jerks.
But I'm sure I'll find the right one someday.
Did you just kiss me?
I guess I did.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you just kissed me.
Oh, my God, I've never been kissed by a woman before.
Even in college when all my friends were doing it.
And now I'm just talking and talking.
Because I'm afraid if I pause, you'll have sex with me.
Oh, oh, Lori, I, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, no, you said you didn't get what you wanted from men.
Oh, no.
And I was shrunk.
No, and you know, frankly,
that's exactly what happened for me the first time.
Oh, my God, oh.
And, but, but don't apologize, please.
I mean, it's no big deal.
Please, don't.
So, was I any good?
Not really.
Yeah, I know.
Lori, Lori.
What did Rebecca say?
Does she like me?
Is she still a lesbian?
Norm.
I don't have very good news.
Um, it's never gonna happen.
Well, how do you know that?
Well, last night we talked a lot.
We got drunk.
We kissed.
You kissed?
You kissed her?
I stayed there to build me up and you kissed her?
Hey, a buddy does not kiss another buddy's gay buddy, you know?
Okay, there's Rebecca.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
And you just keep your lips over there, would you?
All right, listen, Rebecca.
Now, you can either kiss Lori or you can kiss me, all right?
But you can't have us both.
Unless you want to do it at the same time.
In which case, maybe.
Norm, I liked kissing you.
I did.
And I like you so much.
I thought maybe, you know, just maybe.
But then I kissed Lori.
And you know, I remembered who I am.
I'm gay, Norm.
So you're really digging your heels in with this gay stuff, huh?
Look, you know what?
I know how you can understand how I feel.
You see Simon over there?
Yeah, gay Simon.
Well, I'm not sure that's his legal name, but, all right.
I want you to go over there and talk to Simon.
And consider, really consider, the possibility of having sex with Simon.
Because then you'll know how I feel.
All right, I can do that, easy.
Hey, Simon, how's it going?
Not too bad, how you doing?
Yeah, pretty good.
Hey, it's hot out there today, huh?
Oh, yeah, scorcher.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry.
Check.
Check.
I'm in for five.
I'm out.
This is too hard.
Couldn't we just play charades?
No.
Then we're leaving.
Put a sock in it, Dennis.
Tonight we're doing what I want to do.
We always do what you want to do.
What the hell am I doing with this cupcake?
Our marriage is a complete sham.
Oh, baby.

Episode 36   Norm vs The Hopeless Cause 2000 11 03

Oh, hey, Lori, I got an idea of how to get Shelly's attention.
Whenever I'm really weak or hurt, she seems to like me.
Like, remember last week how she was all over me
when I got my tongue stuck in the door, remember that?
People are nice when they're amazed, Norm.
Well, anyway, here's the plan.
I'm gonna get Mr. Denby to punch me in the stomach,
and then Shelly will feel sorry for me,
and then she'll like me.
Oh, hey, Mr. Denby.
Mr. Denby, I've got an opportunity of a lifetime for you, sir.
What have you always wanted to do to me?
Oh, set you on fire.
No, no, no, no, sir.
I was just wondering, how would you like to hit me in the stomach?
Well, all right, I suppose I could hit you in the stomach,
but if you were on fire, I might burn my hand.
No, there wouldn't be any fire, sir.
You see, I think Shelly would be more attracted to me
if I was the victim of your, you know,
feeble one-foot-in-the-grave wrath, so I thought...
Oh, Lori, you really want me to hit you?
As hard as I can?
Absolutely, sir.
Yeah, I'll tell you what, I'll give you a running start.
Coffee tastes funny.
Boy, clean your cup.
Uh-oh.
I think he's doing his cleaning thing again.
Oh, no.
What cleaning thing?
Well, you know, Taylor left him,
and whenever Danny gets dumped,
he goes on a cleaning binge.
Did she leave him because he's weird,
or is he weird because she left him?
Now, look, everybody has their own way
of dealing with what I like to call grief, you know?
Like, uh, like when I get, uh,
dumped by a certain hot-looking blonde,
I'll go on a gambling binge.
Norm, would you stop trying to make me feel guilty?
Somebody thinks they're hot.
Mr. Tempe!
He said, he said, he said, he said I could kill him.
He said I could, he said I could.
Oh, no, not with a golf club.
I don't think he actually stipulated.
Norm Henderson,
I'm tired of you skipping your work all the time
and thinking about Shelley all the time.
Not like a cartoon.
Mr. Tempe!
No!
Mr. Tempe!
Ha! Ha!
I know what you're doing, Tempe!
Trying to feign injury to surprise me.
What are you gonna think of next?
Hitting me with this hand?
No!
Norm!
Quit torturing the poor man.
God, you're such a jerk.
Are you all right?
I think I've aggravated an old war injury.
I got it crawling across the border into Canada.
I'll get you some ice.
You know, this is exactly why
I don't want to spend any time with you.
You screwed it up, sir.
What's wrong with you, man?
Then I'll never get together with Shelley.
It's not my fault.
You'd let me set you on fire.
We both have been happy now.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Hey, Rebecca! Laurie!
Whoa, that's Rebecca?
Geez, she doesn't look like a regular lesbian.
She looks more like a porno lesbian.
This is Norm. Norm, Rebecca.
Oh, it's so good to finally meet you.
Yeah, you too, you too.
So you're not into that whole hockey haircut thing, huh?
Not anywhere you can see it.
Oh, well.
Well, I'm gonna go get some alcohol
so I can talk about my private parts.
So, listen, how's it going with that girlfriend of yours?
Oh, not so great. She just dumped me.
She did? Oh, my goodness.
The way you look for her to dump you,
you gotta be real annoying, huh?
You know, she was always telling me
I wasn't sensitive enough.
So I rented terms of endearment,
and I pretended to cry when Deborah Winger died.
And then she says to me,
"Listen, I hate to tell you this when you're upset,
but I'm moving out."
Oh, my God.
That's exactly the same thing
that happened with this girl I like, Shelly.
To prove how sensitive I was,
I was gonna get an old man
to punch me in the stomach.
It's not exactly the same thing.
Rebecca, I am so sorry.
I have to go.
I got paid.
She's my pregnant client.
She's having a craving for peanut butter and crack.
Well, let me ask you something now
that I've always been curious about
about you lesbians.
How is it that if you like breasts so much,
you're not playing with your own all day long?
What makes you think I don't?
That's why I was late.
Oh, my Lord.
Hey, you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna swear off women.
Hey, hey, that's a good idea.
I'm gonna do that, too.
I mean, I got my job.
I got my bowling league.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a great idea.
Hey, you like bowling.
I like bowling.
What are we doing here, huh?
Rock and roll.
Oh, okay, hey, hey, hey.
No more of that for me and you, pal.
We gotta...
So, Rebecca says you guys
had a great time last night.
Oh, we did.
We went to a ball game,
had about five hot dogs each,
and afterwards, we went under the bleachers
and looked up ladies' dresses.
Hey, will you stop cleaning off my cards?
Hey, that's not a straight.
Don't get on Danny, Artie.
It's his way of working through the pain.
So, listen, guys.
I got kind of a crazy idea, you know,
that I thought I'd learn by you.
See what you thought about it.
What's the idea?
Well, you know,
since Rebecca and I have become such good friends,
and since Rebecca is a lesbian,
then I thought maybe I'd ask her to have sex with me.
What do you think?
You cannot have sex with her, Norm.
She's gay.
Right.
Well, I thought that at first,
but then I realized
that's just that,
what do you call, homophobia.
Hey, I've had sex with lesbians,
but it was before they were lesbians.
Sometimes right before.
Well, I realize it's kind of a complicated issue,
and that's why I will not do anything
until I have your okay.
Uh-uh. It's wrong.
It's absolutely, totally wrong.
Okay, so Lori is leaning toward "don't."
How about you, Artie?
Well, I agree with Lori.
Well, since you don't have your own opinion,
I'll put that down as a maybe.
Danny! Danny, what do you think?
Uh, well, from what I've heard,
uh, I don't think you should go after her.
Huh.
Well, since there's no way
of knowing what he heard,
I put that down as another maybe.
All right.
Look, Norm, everyone in this room
thinks it's a terrible idea.
Everybody in the universe thinks it's a terrible idea.
Do not do it!
What do I have to do
to get a straight answer out of you people?
All right, wiener dog,
I'm gonna leave it up to you.
Now, if you think
I should ask Rebecca to have sex with me,
remain a dog.
Now, are you absolutely sure
a dog?
Well, all right.
If that's the way you feel,
that's the way you feel.
Hey, you ready?
Yeah, come on in, Rebecca.
Come on in.
Uh, listen, uh,
would you care for some wine?
I thought we were going bowling.
Oh.
Oh, you see, the thing is this.
I thought we'd try something new tonight.
What?
Oh, I don't know.
Dr. Zhivago's on the TV there tonight,
and, uh, maybe we could try puzzles,
or, uh, a backgammon's all.
Hey!
You know what's always fun?
Heterosexual intercourse.
How would you like to know that?
Norm.
Oh, yeah, I know,
I know what you're worried about,
but I've been thinking about this,
and I think that people
have the capacity within them
to change, you know?
Uh, as a matter of fact,
most of the movies I've seen,
the, uh, the women's only gay
until the pizza guy shows up anyway, so...
Yeah, Norm,
it's not like I've never had sex
with a man before.
You've had sex with a man?
Yes.
Well, that's excellent!
You know, unless you,
unless you had sex with a man
right before you came here.
No, no.
When I was trying to figure out
who I was,
I, I dated some guys.
Just, it never worked out for me.
I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.
If you have sex with me
and do not like it,
I pay for your bowling shoes.
Norm, it's obvious
that you've been thinking
about this for a while,
but this is a whole new idea to me,
so...
All right, well,
don't worry about it.
You're, uh, you know,
we're just like guys.
We're buddies.
You know what I mean?
That's how you gotta think of this,
and what do buddies do?
They have sex.
You know what I mean?
Oh, well, well, in that case,
I'll just take off my clothes,
and you can have at me.
No, no, you,
you got me all wrong there.
I, I'm talking more of a,
a prolonged courtship,
at the end of which,
we may or may not have sex.
You know?
You didn't think that I meant
I wanted to have actual sex
with you tonight.
Not now, weinerdug.
Later, later.
I, I don't know
where he gets these ideas.
Look, you know,
this, this, this is a crazy experiment,
but you wanna give it a shot.
Oh, okay.
And we're gonna go slow now.
Okay.
So, first of all,
I will look at you
in a romantic way.
All right.
Here goes.
Well, you're laughing.
That's good.
That's just like straight women do.
So, um,
you're learning quick.
Now, next,
we do what, in my language,
we call kissing.
I know how to kiss, Norm.
Really?
You guys do that too?
What did you think we did?
Oh, I don't know.
I, I just figured, you know,
there was a lot of giggling going on.
So, so are you ready?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, right.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What, what?
I, I don't know.
What are you talking about?
That was excellent.
You didn't like that?
No, no, no, no.
I liked it.
I liked it.
But, but, this is a huge step for me.
I mean, what if we get halfway into it
and I change my mind?
Oh, I'll be finished by then.
That's okay.
You know, Norm,
as inviting as that sounds,
I really think that I, I'm gonna have to think about this.
I, I'm gonna go.
Huh? Uh, no, wait, wait.
All right, I have another plan.
I didn't want to do this,
but, uh, hold on a second, all right?
I, I think you're gonna,
I think you're gonna enjoy this.
All right, I'm a lady.
Hey Norm, I didn't know there was a homosexual conversion center in this mall.
Oh yeah, yeah, they just opened it.
Last year, this place was an Orange Julius stand.
Look man, this place is bogus. Let's just beat it.
Oh, no, no, I, I, I need these people to tell me what to do about Rebecca, you
know?
She really likes me.
But, but something is holding her back.
Maybe it's your total lack of any kind of vagina.
Look, this place works, all right?
Look at this.
They converted this guy.
Here he is in a pair of chaps.
And then here he is in the after picture.
He's at church with his family.
He looks happier than a chaps.
Can I help you?
Hi, hi, uh, are you in charge here?
Yep, me and my husband run the place.
Now what can I do for you?
Oh, well, the problem is my girlfriend.
Why don't you let me talk to her?
Oh, well, sure.
Nice to meet you, honey.
Look lady, you got the wrong idea.
Hey, didn't you coach me in football once?
Yeah, you see, you see, we're, we're both straight.
Son, deep down we're all straight.
You boys may not believe this, but I was once a lesbian myself.
Real butch, too.
Come on now, Shirley, you're, you're joking with us there, sir.
I mean, ma'am.
Yep.
I used to have sex with women.
Sex with women.
Tall, short, young, old.
I didn't give a hoot in hell.
All cured now, though.
Well, congratulations.
Well, here's the thing.
Uh, you see, uh, I have a girl that I really like
more than I've liked a girl in a long time,
but the problem is, she, she's gay.
Uh, so, what I wanted to ask you is, uh,
how straight could you make her for, let's say, $25?
We'll talk price later.
Now, let's see, you're a handsome young man.
I bet she's a fine-looking lady.
Oh, my God, she's beautiful.
She's, she's got blonde hair, blue eyes.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, flawless complexion.
Uh-huh, got a picture?
Got a picture?
No, no, I, I don't have a picture.
Hey, Artie, come on, I, I think we're gonna go, you know?
Uh, uh, I mean, this, this place worked for you,
but it's obvious that you're only a, uh, uh, a little gay.
Ruby, am I gonna have to move all these boxes by myself?
Do you mind? I'm seeing some clients here.
I'd like to meet my husband, Dennis.
Oh.
Hi, Danny.
We drew up a little schedule, and you're gonna be consoled at Norm's on Mondays
and Thursdays,
and then, uh, over at my place on Tuesdays and Fridays.
And listen, I know how hard the weekends are for you, so I brought in my broiling
pan.
Oh, thanks, Lori.
Okay.
Lori, that's awful. I can't believe you're using him like that.
You