Name: Episode 40 Norm vs The Kid 2000 12 08
Uploaded: 2022-06-16T05:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 40 Norm vs The Kid 2000 12 08' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-16. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 40 Norm vs The Kid 2000 12 08' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-16. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

What Spaniard conquered Peru in 1533?
Pizarro.
Science?
How is volcanic rock classified?
Igneous.
We have got to get a new game.
We've been answering these same questions for 10 years.
What are you talking about?
No, we haven't.
Come on, next one.
Arts and Literature.
Let's go.
What famous author?
John Updike.
John Updike.
Uh-oh, it's Mary.
I better return the call.
Do you think it's about the kids?
Kids?
What kids?
Ah, well, there's this family of children who had to be taken out of their
foster home.
Yeah, so we're each gonna take one kid for one week.
Wait a minute.
You're each gonna take one kid?
Why didn't you ask me to take a kid?
We just assumed you wouldn't want to.
Really?
Well, you shouldn't assume, Lori, because when you assume, you make an ass out
of you.
And me.
And you.
It's okay, Norm.
We each have a kid, and we assign one to Mary Larson.
Mary Larson?
You didn't give me a kid, but you gave one to crazy, alcoholic Mary?
Well, it's not that we don't trust you, Norm.
We just don't trust you with anything that, you know, could die.
I'll have you know that I'm very responsible.
I take care of Wiener Dog, and as far as I can tell, he's very well-fed and
well-mannered.
He's never done drugs, and, uh...
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Maybe I...
Well, maybe I judged you too quickly.
Yeah, maybe.
I guess my love for all of God's creatures doesn't count anything.
Maybe I should have been like crazy, alcoholic Mary and had a love affair with
a bottle for the last 20 years.
She's not crazy, she's in recovery, and I don't think you should jump to
conclusions about her just because she once had a drinking problem.
Ah, well, that was Mary. She just got arrested for DUI.
Oh, that's too bad. But not for you, Norm. Now you have a kid.
What? Me? No, no, no, no, no.
Now, you know who would be good with the kids would be, uh, Mary.
Sure, she enjoys, but still.
I'll tell you one thing that drinking does. She does that gentle rocking motion.
That's good for kids.
Well, Norm, you said you wanted a kid, and now you got one.
Isn't it great how things just work out?
Yeah, I feel like I won the lottery of the draft for Vietnam.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught. That's not like you could lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Now this report says that there's five Kramer kids. Who's getting the other kid?
I can't wait till I get my kid here.
You know, I pulled these lawn darts out of my basement.
You know, you can't get these in the stores anymore.
You know, my own kids haven't spoken to me for years.
My own daughter, just to spite me, calls every man daddy except...
Alright, now listen though. Everybody remember, we don't want the kids to know
that I'm trying to find a family who's going to take all of them together.
Because we don't want to get their hopes up.
No, no. You wouldn't want that. Orphans with a hope.
Hey everybody, meet the Kramer family. This is Jamie. She'll be staying with me.
And Lori, this will be your new friend Mark.
I prefer Maurice.
Well, hello there, Maurice.
I was expecting a much older woman.
Thank you. It's very nice to meet you.
The pleasure is all mine.
At least for now.
Danny, this is Jack. He'll be staying with you.
Jack? Yeah, so, uh, you play a little basketball, huh?
I used to play a little ball myself.
Yeah, I can teach you that. It's not that hard.
And Edwin, you'll be staying with Mr. Denby.
Oh, good lord.
He's going to feel like you're rejecting him.
Oh, the, uh...
How do you do, Edwin?
I like the shape of your skull.
You know, if I had a dime for every time I heard that, I guess I'd have a dime.
Yeah.
He's, uh, had a long day, sir.
Uh, yes. I suppose you must be tired after your long trip.
Perhaps you might like to go to my office and hang upside down.
Hey, Shelly, what about me? Where's my little rug rat, huh?
I don't know. Billy was right behind us.
Oh, he's right there.
Holy good God, I know that kid.
What? Is there a problem?
Yeah, I hate that kid. I know him.
Listen, can't I get a better orphan than that?
Norm, look, you promise. It's too late to find anybody else.
Besides, I think the fact that you already have a relationship with Billy could
be a good thing.
Don't tell me this sack of crap's gonna be taking care of me.
Billy.
What, don't you guys have, like, a homeless guy with a box that I could live
with?
Don't worry, Billy. There'll be plenty of time to live in a box when you become
an adult.
Hey, how's that hockey comeback going?
It's a lot like your diet.
Norm, stop.
I don't know. I don't wanna see. Can't we switch kids or something, you know?
Hey, hey, how about I take that kid at Denby's, not that bat kid, you know?
Norm, look. Billy is the reason they got kicked out of their last foster home.
He has a problem with authority figures, and we thought we'd give you a shot
with him because, well, you have absolutely no authority whatsoever.
All right, I'll do it.
Good. Now, don't let me down.
Uh, I won't.
I'll tell you something, Shelly. For the short time I have this child, I'm
gonna provide him with a stable home, and I will teach him the same rock-solid
values that I learned from the man I was led to believe was my father.
Hey, how you doing, man?
Hey, Norm. I finished doing all that child-proof and stuff like you asked. I
even picked up this magazine on parenting. It says to bubble wrap all the sharp
corners so the little kid don't get hurt.
Yeah, well, meet Billy.
Oh, my God. I better reinforce the Jolly Jumper.
This bubble wrap's only gonna help if the kid gets drunk and hits his head on
the coffee table.
Well, don't worry. I think I've taught him how to respect me now.
Hey, dumbass. Uh, you only got cereal here that helps old people go to the
bathroom.
I'd wash his mouth out with soap if I wasn't afraid of losing a finger.
What are you supposed to do with this kid?
Well, I have to make him really, really appealing to any prospective parents,
you know?
Hey, you know what? Maybe I can find a farming family whose ox has just died. I
think he'd...
Well, can you get out of it?
I can't. I promise, Shelly.
Well, listen. Me and you got a good lesson in parenting just by watching Dad,
you know?
So, uh, you know what to do.
Leave and never come back?
No.
Knock up the babysitter, leave and never come back?
Look, there's an article in this magazine that says kids need structure.
Structure. Oh, that sounds good. They're talking about some sort of a cage?
Look, man, I got all the confidence in the world in you, bro. You're gonna do
just fine.
Just remember, if he charges, open your coat so you look bigger.
Oh, hey, Billy. You see, that's what I'm talking about. Now, you're too young.
You're only 15. You shouldn't be drinking a beer, huh?
All right, look, buddy. You're on a bad road here. Ah, jeez. Now, you see, I
know why you did that. You did that to provoke me. But what you don't know
about me is I am unprovokable.
See, I understand what you mean if by unprovokable you mean a stupid idiot.
See, that doesn't provoke me. I don't like that, but not because it provokes me,
but because stupid idiot is a redundancy, you know? It's like me saying, uh,
fat Billy, you know?
Aw, you know, that hurt, Norman, but, uh, not as bad as this.
Ah! Jeez!
Hold on, then. Where do you think you're going?
I'm gonna go find a bar.
Oh, okay. Now that's it.
Listen, I didn't want to resort to this, but I'll have you know I'm willing to
use physical force to keep you here if I have to.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's been gone all night, and I'm worried sick.
Uh, let me describe him for you. He's five foot nine by five foot nine.
He's got bleach blonde hair, uh, denim jacket. Thanks.
Yeah, look, I appreciate this. I know you guys are busy with your stabbings and
shooting and prostitution,
but if, uh, if he comes into the bar, can you just give me a comment?
Hey, Norm, this kid didn't come back yet. How you holding on?
Oh, man, I didn't sleep a wink last night. Except for about eight hours I dozed
off there.
Hey, Norm.
Huh?
Great news. We found a terrific couple who's interested in adopting all the
kids.
They're coming to the office tomorrow, so have Billy there by noon.
Oh, excellent.
Where is Billy?
Oh, where is he? He's, uh, uh, huh? We're playing a game of hide and seek. Isn't
that right, Artie?
Um...
Yes.
What is going on?
Well, uh...
Olly olly auction free!
There he is.
What is that, a car stereo?
Huh.
Hey, thanks, buddy. I've been trying to pull that out of my car for a long time.
Good job.
Lord, you better get going. We've got to get the kids.
Hey, Lord, you going downtown?
Yeah.
You want to share a cab?
Oh, I'm sorry. I drove.
Oh, can you give me a lift?
Hey, Billy, I've got some good news, man. I've got a couple that is thinking
about adopting the entire family.
What? Oh, but I was just beginning to love you.
Look, Billy, nobody's going to adopt you at all unless you get your act
together, not to mention the top snap of your pants, you know?
Hey, man. Get off my back, all right? Everything's going to be fine.
No, everything's not going to be fine. You got thrown out of that last place,
and this couple's not going to take you unless you change your attitude.
Hey, man, that last family wasn't my fault. Thompsons hated kids.
No, they didn't. They hated you.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Look, Billy, I'm on the hook here, all right? I'm willing to pay you to behave,
all right?
How much?
I'll give you $50.
Give me $100.
All right, I'll give you $100.
Sucker! I was willing to go as high as $150.
All right, give me $150.
Yeah, by the way, I wouldn't do anything to mess up my brother's and sister's
adoption, okay?
I would have acted nice for free.
Well, what'd you take my money for?
Natural selection, pal.
All right, Billy, look, at least let me help you be presentable for these
people, all right?
Now, a good icebreaker when you first meet people is give them a little joke.
You know any jokes?
Yeah, I got this great one. It's about a one-eyed whore
and, uh, a bunch of midgets.
Oh, you see? Now that's just offensive. You have to call them little people.
Hey, Shelly. Hi, Jamie.
You ready to meet the Wallaces?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you two been having fun hanging out together?
Yep, we've really been getting to know each other.
Did you know that Jamie knows how to say the entire alphabet backwards?
Yeah, and did you know that late at night Shelly talks to people on the
internet and says her name is Brown Sugar?
You know, pretending to be asleep makes God angry.
Oh, Edwin, I will not buy you a cadaver.
Mr. Denby, you look tired.
Oh, of course I'm tired. If you'd been up all night holding a rifle, you'd be
tired, too.
What happened?
Oh, Edwin gave me one of his stories to read.
Well, that's a breakthrough, sir. That's a symbol of trust.
The story is called The Horrible Torture and Underground Death of Mr. Denby.
Oh, no.
No, no, Mr. Denby. That's creative writing. Young boys that age have a very
active fantasy life.
Yeah, well, here's a little bit of youthful whimsy. Chapter one, I know you're
reading this and I'm planning to kill you.
Come on, quit fidgeting, huh? You look fine.
Really?
No, but that's the kind of bull I want you to fling at the Wallaces when I come
here.
Hey, Norm. Billy looks great.
Oh, thanks, Shelly. You know, fatherhood really fits me.
As a matter of fact, if I'd known this years ago, I would have been making
babies all over the place.
I heard Shelly tell someone on the phone that she almost made a baby with her
doorman.
Okay, Jamie, it's rude to say things like that.
Just like it would be rude for me to tell everybody that you practice making
hickeys on your arm.
Yeah, yeah, she should wait until she's older so she can practice on real-life
doormen, right?
Mr. and Mrs. Wallace, hi. It's so nice of you to come.
If you want to come down here, you can meet the children.
Will you have all the kids come down here, please, and introduce themselves to
Mr. and Mrs. Wallace?
I'm Jamie, and I like cooking.
I'm Jack, and I like baseball.
I'm Maurice, and I like Lori.
I'm Edwin, and I like rainbows.
Okay, make way there, make way. Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Wallace, I'd like you to meet
Billy.
How's it going?
Fine, sir.
Billy and I were just discussing education and what studies he might pursue.
Correct, Norman. And as with all tough questions, I might ask myself, just what
the hell would Jesus do?
Amen.
Well, it was nice meeting you, Billy. Would you excuse us?
How'd I do?
Ah, you did perfect, buddy. I'm gonna go find out what they thought.
All right, I'm gonna go in the bathroom.
That underwear you let me borrow is flossing where I don't floss.
Yeah, you can keep them.
Look, uh, we've come to a decision.
Okay. Danny, Shelly, you want to take the kids down to the lunchroom and get us
some ice cream?
Oh, great idea. Come on, follow me.
Shelly can't have ice cream. She's got gas like an old cop.
So, what did you think?
Well, we read their files, and they're great kids, and we'd really like them to
be part of our family.
That's great. How do you go get Billy's stuff?
I'm sorry, we can't take Billy.
What?
Why wouldn't you take Billy?
Well, my husband and I don't feel we could handle someone with a police record.
Look, if this is a problem--
No, no, no, no, no, I understand.
Uh, you go give the kids the good news, and we'll tell Billy.
We'll tell them where you live.
No, no, no.
I know how you feel, but it is so hard to find adoptive parents who'll take
four kids.
I promise, we'll get Billy a good foster home.
Hey!
Billy, we need to talk. There's a little problem.
They're taking everyone but me, aren't they?
Billy, I'm sorry.
This is crap.
You know, I tried my hardest, and they're still not taking me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, buddy.
You didn't help me at all. You suck.
Man, I feel horrible.
That kid is in so much pain.
Yeah, I don't know what to say to him.
You know, I've never been in a situation like this.
Hey.
What the hell would Jesus do?
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
I know you're bummed about going to foster home and everything,
so I made you up a little care package.
I got some snacks there.
I got some toothpaste.
Oh, I got those magazines you like.
I cut out the dirty parts.
Here.
Whatever, man.
Hey, buck up there, pal.
Hey, I wish I was going to a foster home.
Hi, guys.
Oh, hey, Lori.
Hey, Billy's ready to go.
Hey, look.
I have some bad news.
Billy's foster home has fallen through.
So, unfortunately, until we get this worked out, he's going to have to go to Juvie
Hall.
I wish I were going to Juvie Hall.
Shut up.
Billy, you want to put your things in my car?
Oh, man.
Does he have to go to Juvie Hall?
Well, we can't find any other place for him.
Well, did you look?
No, I spent the afternoon hanging outside the liquor store.
Well, he'll get a family to take care of him.
I doubt it.
At his age, with his record, I think the best he can hope for is a group home.
Well, hold on there, Lori.
Wait a second now.
What if somebody was willing to take him in?
You know, somebody that knew him.
Somebody that, you know, he spent the last week with.
Norm.
What are you looking at me for?
Norm.
If you're thinking about doing what I think you're thinking about doing,
I am going to be so moved.
And if you're not, then it's too late, because I've already started to cry.
What the hell's bells, woman?
Shut off the waterworks.
I gotta think.
I gotta think.
Think.
I gotta think.
Ah, all right.
I'll do it.
Oh, my God.
Norm, are you serious?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, the fact of the matter is that, you know, Billy's having a tough time,
and, you know, I figure it's my time to help out.
Norm, sometimes you surprise me.
Damn you, George Washington.
You screwed me again.
Okay, Joe.
You seem to be doing well with your transplant.
Doctors say you're about 90% healed, so I guess this is our last visit before
you go back out to the world with your new hand.
I want it off.
What?
Why?
I don't trust it.
Why not?
Because...
Because it's white.
I think it knows.
I'm telling you, this hand doesn't respect me, okay?
See, at first I thought it was my imagination, but the...
See, it's mocking me, mocking me again, Norm.
I'm telling you, this is a racist hand.
Well, it's unusual, Joe, but it's not necessarily racist.
Yeah, see, there it goes again.
You see what it's doing?
Just like the white man.
The white hand has an insatiable curiosity about the black man's hand.
The black man's hand.
The black man's hand.
Is it just a white man?
The white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Is it just a white man's hand?
Thank you.

Episode 40   Norm vs The Kid 2000 12 08

What Spaniard conquered Peru in 1533?
Pizarro.
Science?
How is volcanic rock classified?
Igneous.
We have got to get a new game.
We've been answering these same questions for 10 years.
What are you talking about?
No, we haven't.
Come on, next one.
Arts and Literature.
Let's go.
What famous author?
John Updike.
John Updike.
Uh-oh, it's Mary.
I better return the call.
Do you think it's about the kids?
Kids?
What kids?
Ah, well, there's this family of children who had to be taken out of their
foster home.
Yeah, so we're each gonna take one kid for one week.
Wait a minute.
You're each gonna take one kid?
Why didn't you ask me to take a kid?
We just assumed you wouldn't want to.
Really?
Well, you shouldn't assume, Lori, because when you assume, you make an ass out
of you.
And me.
And you.
It's okay, Norm.
We each have a kid, and we assign one to Mary Larson.
Mary Larson?
You didn't give me a kid, but you gave one to crazy, alcoholic Mary?
Well, it's not that we don't trust you, Norm.
We just don't trust you with anything that, you know, could die.
I'll have you know that I'm very responsible.
I take care of Wiener Dog, and as far as I can tell, he's very well-fed and
well-mannered.
He's never done drugs, and, uh...
Okay, okay.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Maybe I...
Well, maybe I judged you too quickly.
Yeah, maybe.
I guess my love for all of God's creatures doesn't count anything.
Maybe I should have been like crazy, alcoholic Mary and had a love affair with
a bottle for the last 20 years.
She's not crazy, she's in recovery, and I don't think you should jump to
conclusions about her just because she once had a drinking problem.
Ah, well, that was Mary. She just got arrested for DUI.
Oh, that's too bad. But not for you, Norm. Now you have a kid.
What? Me? No, no, no, no, no.
Now, you know who would be good with the kids would be, uh, Mary.
Sure, she enjoys, but still.
I'll tell you one thing that drinking does. She does that gentle rocking motion.
That's good for kids.
Well, Norm, you said you wanted a kid, and now you got one.
Isn't it great how things just work out?
Yeah, I feel like I won the lottery of the draft for Vietnam.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught. That's not like you could lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Now this report says that there's five Kramer kids. Who's getting the other kid?
I can't wait till I get my kid here.
You know, I pulled these lawn darts out of my basement.
You know, you can't get these in the stores anymore.
You know, my own kids haven't spoken to me for years.
My own daughter, just to spite me, calls every man daddy except...
Alright, now listen though. Everybody remember, we don't want the kids to know
that I'm trying to find a family who's going to take all of them together.
Because we don't want to get their hopes up.
No, no. You wouldn't want that. Orphans with a hope.
Hey everybody, meet the Kramer family. This is Jamie. She'll be staying with me.
And Lori, this will be your new friend Mark.
I prefer Maurice.
Well, hello there, Maurice.
I was expecting a much older woman.
Thank you. It's very nice to meet you.
The pleasure is all mine.
At least for now.
Danny, this is Jack. He'll be staying with you.
Jack? Yeah, so, uh, you play a little basketball, huh?
I used to play a little ball myself.
Yeah, I can teach you that. It's not that hard.
And Edwin, you'll be staying with Mr. Denby.
Oh, good lord.
He's going to feel like you're rejecting him.
Oh, the, uh...
How do you do, Edwin?
I like the shape of your skull.
You know, if I had a dime for every time I heard that, I guess I'd have a dime.
Yeah.
He's, uh, had a long day, sir.
Uh, yes. I suppose you must be tired after your long trip.
Perhaps you might like to go to my office and hang upside down.
Hey, Shelly, what about me? Where's my little rug rat, huh?
I don't know. Billy was right behind us.
Oh, he's right there.
Holy good God, I know that kid.
What? Is there a problem?
Yeah, I hate that kid. I know him.
Listen, can't I get a better orphan than that?
Norm, look, you promise. It's too late to find anybody else.
Besides, I think the fact that you already have a relationship with Billy could
be a good thing.
Don't tell me this sack of crap's gonna be taking care of me.
Billy.
What, don't you guys have, like, a homeless guy with a box that I could live
with?
Don't worry, Billy. There'll be plenty of time to live in a box when you become
an adult.
Hey, how's that hockey comeback going?
It's a lot like your diet.
Norm, stop.
I don't know. I don't wanna see. Can't we switch kids or something, you know?
Hey, hey, how about I take that kid at Denby's, not that bat kid, you know?
Norm, look. Billy is the reason they got kicked out of their last foster home.
He has a problem with authority figures, and we thought we'd give you a shot
with him because, well, you have absolutely no authority whatsoever.
All right, I'll do it.
Good. Now, don't let me down.
Uh, I won't.
I'll tell you something, Shelly. For the short time I have this child, I'm
gonna provide him with a stable home, and I will teach him the same rock-solid
values that I learned from the man I was led to believe was my father.
Hey, how you doing, man?
Hey, Norm. I finished doing all that child-proof and stuff like you asked. I
even picked up this magazine on parenting. It says to bubble wrap all the sharp
corners so the little kid don't get hurt.
Yeah, well, meet Billy.
Oh, my God. I better reinforce the Jolly Jumper.
This bubble wrap's only gonna help if the kid gets drunk and hits his head on
the coffee table.
Well, don't worry. I think I've taught him how to respect me now.
Hey, dumbass. Uh, you only got cereal here that helps old people go to the
bathroom.
I'd wash his mouth out with soap if I wasn't afraid of losing a finger.
What are you supposed to do with this kid?
Well, I have to make him really, really appealing to any prospective parents,
you know?
Hey, you know what? Maybe I can find a farming family whose ox has just died. I
think he'd...
Well, can you get out of it?
I can't. I promise, Shelly.
Well, listen. Me and you got a good lesson in parenting just by watching Dad,
you know?
So, uh, you know what to do.
Leave and never come back?
No.
Knock up the babysitter, leave and never come back?
Look, there's an article in this magazine that says kids need structure.
Structure. Oh, that sounds good. They're talking about some sort of a cage?
Look, man, I got all the confidence in the world in you, bro. You're gonna do
just fine.
Just remember, if he charges, open your coat so you look bigger.
Oh, hey, Billy. You see, that's what I'm talking about. Now, you're too young.
You're only 15. You shouldn't be drinking a beer, huh?
All right, look, buddy. You're on a bad road here. Ah, jeez. Now, you see, I
know why you did that. You did that to provoke me. But what you don't know
about me is I am unprovokable.
See, I understand what you mean if by unprovokable you mean a stupid idiot.
See, that doesn't provoke me. I don't like that, but not because it provokes me,
but because stupid idiot is a redundancy, you know? It's like me saying, uh,
fat Billy, you know?
Aw, you know, that hurt, Norman, but, uh, not as bad as this.
Ah! Jeez!
Hold on, then. Where do you think you're going?
I'm gonna go find a bar.
Oh, okay. Now that's it.
Listen, I didn't want to resort to this, but I'll have you know I'm willing to
use physical force to keep you here if I have to.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's been gone all night, and I'm worried sick.
Uh, let me describe him for you. He's five foot nine by five foot nine.
He's got bleach blonde hair, uh, denim jacket. Thanks.
Yeah, look, I appreciate this. I know you guys are busy with your stabbings and
shooting and prostitution,
but if, uh, if he comes into the bar, can you just give me a comment?
Hey, Norm, this kid didn't come back yet. How you holding on?
Oh, man, I didn't sleep a wink last night. Except for about eight hours I dozed
off there.
Hey, Norm.
Huh?
Great news. We found a terrific couple who's interested in adopting all the
kids.
They're coming to the office tomorrow, so have Billy there by noon.
Oh, excellent.
Where is Billy?
Oh, where is he? He's, uh, uh, huh? We're playing a game of hide and seek. Isn't
that right, Artie?
Um...
Yes.
What is going on?
Well, uh...
Olly olly auction free!
There he is.
What is that, a car stereo?
Huh.
Hey, thanks, buddy. I've been trying to pull that out of my car for a long time.
Good job.
Lord, you better get going. We've got to get the kids.
Hey, Lord, you going downtown?
Yeah.
You want to share a cab?
Oh, I'm sorry. I drove.
Oh, can you give me a lift?
Hey, Billy, I've got some good news, man. I've got a couple that is thinking
about adopting the entire family.
What? Oh, but I was just beginning to love you.
Look, Billy, nobody's going to adopt you at all unless you get your act
together, not to mention the top snap of your pants, you know?
Hey, man. Get off my back, all right? Everything's going to be fine.
No, everything's not going to be fine. You got thrown out of that last place,
and this couple's not going to take you unless you change your attitude.
Hey, man, that last family wasn't my fault. Thompsons hated kids.
No, they didn't. They hated you.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Look, Billy, I'm on the hook here, all right? I'm willing to pay you to behave,
all right?
How much?
I'll give you $50.
Give me $100.
All right, I'll give you $100.
Sucker! I was willing to go as high as $150.
All right, give me $150.
Yeah, by the way, I wouldn't do anything to mess up my brother's and sister's
adoption, okay?
I would have acted nice for free.
Well, what'd you take my money for?
Natural selection, pal.
All right, Billy, look, at least let me help you be presentable for these
people, all right?
Now, a good icebreaker when you first meet people is give them a little joke.
You know any jokes?
Yeah, I got this great one. It's about a one-eyed whore
and, uh, a bunch of midgets.
Oh, you see? Now that's just offensive. You have to call them little people.
Hey, Shelly. Hi, Jamie.
You ready to meet the Wallaces?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you two been having fun hanging out together?
Yep, we've really been getting to know each other.
Did you know that Jamie knows how to say the entire alphabet backwards?
Yeah, and did you know that late at night Shelly talks to people on the
internet and says her name is Brown Sugar?
You know, pretending to be asleep makes God angry.
Oh, Edwin, I will not buy you a cadaver.
Mr. Denby, you look tired.
Oh, of course I'm tired. If you'd been up all night holding a rifle, you'd be
tired, too.
What happened?
Oh, Edwin gave me one of his stories to read.
Well, that's a breakthrough, sir. That's a symbol of trust.
The story is called The Horrible Torture and Underground Death of Mr. Denby.
Oh, no.
No, no, Mr. Denby. That's creative writing. Young boys that age have a very
active fantasy life.
Yeah, well, here's a little bit of youthful whimsy. Chapter one, I know you're
reading this and I'm planning to kill you.
Come on, quit fidgeting, huh? You look fine.
Really?
No, but that's the kind of bull I want you to fling at the Wallaces when I come
here.
Hey, Norm. Billy looks great.
Oh, thanks, Shelly. You know, fatherhood really fits me.
As a matter of fact, if I'd known this years ago, I would have been making
babies all over the place.
I heard Shelly tell someone on the phone that she almost made a baby with her
doorman.
Okay, Jamie, it's rude to say things like that.
Just like it would be rude for me to tell everybody that you practice making
hickeys on your arm.
Yeah, yeah, she should wait until she's older so she can practice on real-life
doormen, right?
Mr. and Mrs. Wallace, hi. It's so nice of you to come.
If you want to come down here, you can meet the children.
Will 