Name: Episode 46 Norm vs Danny & Shelley 2001 02 09
Uploaded: 2022-06-22T05:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 46 Norm vs Danny & Shelley 2001 02 09' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-22. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 46 Norm vs Danny & Shelley 2001 02 09' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-22. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Good morning, Mr. Denby. How are you doing today?
My damn ex-wife.
She wants more money from the divorce.
She's bleeding me dry.
If she doesn't leave me $25 more a month,
I could have her killed.
Sir. Sir.
Maybe you should tell these feelings to a therapist,
or even healthier.
Keep them to yourself.
Look, she's got this guy coming in today
to serve me papers,
so I want everybody, just for today,
I want everybody to call me Marcello.
Have you got that? Marcello.
Max, Denby?
Yes.
Oh, crap.
Reserved.
Hey, Claire.
You look great.
Oh, my. What are you doing here?
Well, I'm here to see Norm.
Actually, we're dating now.
Oh, God, no.
I mean, that's nice.
Oh, look, I hope you can be supportive about this.
Yeah, well, I hope I can be, too.
Oh, hey, Taylor.
Hey, Norm.
I came up to see if you can have lunch.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you meet me downstairs, though?
Because, you know,
I think it might be a little weird
around the office with Danny, you know?
Norm, you didn't tell me.
You're dating Taylor.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I mean,
generally someone doesn't tell that
to the one person in the office
who's alone and bitter.
Well, good luck to you, Taylor.
And then the worm goes,
I want a lemon cookie,
and then, oh, bam, right on the...
Hi, Taylor.
Hi, Shelly.
Hey, Danny.
Hey, Taylor.
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm having lunch with Norm.
We're kind of dating now.
Oh.
Yeah, look, you know what I think
would make us all feel less awkward here
is if we just admit what's going on.
You know, I mean, Danny used to go out with Taylor,
and then now I'm going out with her,
and Danny's going out with a lady named Shelly,
who I used to have my initials on, so...
Why don't we go around the room,
and we'll each say why we feel weird.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Oh, that tears it.
You know, I was just in the women's restroom,
and guess what I found out?
Ah, now, bear in mind, sir, those aren't professional poets,
and they could be referring to somebody else named Mr. Denbier.
Oh, no, no.
I was just in there, I was comparing it to the men's room.
Do you know what they've got in there?
They have a beautiful, fancy lounge in there,
and they've got a couch and a vanity and great tweezing light.
You don't tweeze, do you, sir?
No, no, no, how can I?
I can't tweeze, because we've got no light in there.
Weren't you listening to me?
Listen, sir, you don't need to tweeze
to make yourself look more attractive, sir.
Hey, why don't you sand down your whole face,
start from scratch?
Look, you don't understand, Lori.
Women have all, they just, they live a life of luxury
and alimony on couches, and we pay for it, we pay for it,
and what, I just, I'm sick to death of the second-class treatment
that men get in this world.
Who do I see to complain about this?
You don't know who the union rep is, sir, as the boss.
Don't you think that is part of your responsibility,
to know that?
Not to mention, you are a member of the union.
You know, if you don't know who the union rep is,
then how the, oh, it's me.
Well, all right, sister, let's just listen up.
I got a couple of complaints.
I just think it's unfair that women have couches
and alimony and better looking.
Well, I don't have time for this now.
I just found out I'm the union representative.
Up till now, I figured everybody was coming to me
to just bitch about their problems.
Now I realize I should have been writing it all down.
Lori, you don't know how bad it is in the men's room.
Norm, tell her.
There's a men's room here?
Boy, the manager of the donut shop across the street
is going to be happy to hear that.
You've been using the bathroom inside the donut shop?
There's a bathroom inside that donut shop?
Thank you, Norm.
Listen, I got a meeting now,
but the minute I get out, I'm taking you in there.
Fine, sir.
The minute kicked around long enough.
Take back the night!
Look, Norm,
I just want you to know
that I know why you're doing this
and I think it stinks.
What are you talking about?
Dating Taylor.
You're just doing it to get even with me.
Listen, Danny,
I really like Taylor.
And if I wanted to get even with you,
I could think up better ways
than to date your ex-girlfriend.
Actually, nothing to spring to mind.
That would be a good one.
Look, all I'm saying is
if you want to screw with me,
that's one thing,
but don't hurt Taylor.
I would never hurt Taylor.
Well, not consciously,
but subconsciously.
Look, Danny,
I think we know what's going on here.
You're jealous.
If Ben was jealous,
you'd be jealous.
Why would I be jealous?
Shelly and I are doing great.
We're closer than we've ever been.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Well, that's interesting
because Taylor and I
are closer than we've ever been.
Oh, yeah?
Shelly and I are like one person now.
We're like...
Shanny.
Look, Danny,
let's be honest about this, all right?
This is not about you and me.
It's not about you and Taylor.
It's not about me and Shelly.
Wait a minute.
It's got to be about one of us.
All right.
We got Taylor,
Shelly,
me,
and you.
Oh, hey, Taylor.
Hey, so listen,
I got everything planned
for our first real date together.
This is going to be great.
And also,
I cooked a great meal.
All right, all right.
I made the salad.
Oh,
it doesn't matter who made what.
I'm sure it's all very good.
Yeah,
that's what I said.
Oh,
and also,
you're going to love this.
Instead of getting one movie,
I got six movies
and I queued them all up
to the funniest parts.
Have you ever seen
the opening sequence
of Saving Private Ryan?
It's not funny.
It's horrible.
What are you talking about?
It's Tom Hanks.
That guy makes everything funny.
Well,
I've got a better idea.
Okay,
okay.
Now,
you're going a little fast, Taylor.
You know,
I have to catch up.
All right,
I'm good.
You know,
you want to hear something funny?
What?
Danny said today
that I was only going out with you
because subconsciously
I wanted to get back at him
for going out with Shelly.
Isn't that ridiculous?
Is that true?
No.
No,
I mean,
at least I don't think it is.
You know,
I really,
really like you.
I think it's just Danny's way
of confusing me.
This is all getting so complicated.
I was really hoping
we could start this relationship
without any baggage.
Oh,
well,
this isn't baggage.
This is more just like,
you know,
a shopping bag
that you pick up
at the souvenir stand,
you know,
and then the stewardess,
she won't let you on
because she's like,
you already got
two pieces of carry-on,
you know?
That one of my kids,
I don't know anything
about psychology.
Norm,
I think you're overthinking this.
Really?
No one's ever accused me
of that before.
Thinking about anything
but me now?
Can't say words.
Not too shabby, huh?
Yeah.
Not shabby.
What are you thinking?
I feel like I cheated on Danny.
What?
I think I was blinded
by this fantasy
I created around you.
There's no way
you could have lived up to that.
Of course,
it would have been nice
if you tried a little harder.
Anyway,
I'm starting to think
that leaving Danny
was a big mistake.
Ah, jeez.
The one time
I asked her Brad
what she's thinking,
look what happens.
So,
so,
I don't understand
you fell back
in love with Danny?
I mean,
how bad was the sex?
It was
fine.
I mean,
good.
Amazing, even.
Oh,
it was amazing?
Really?
Well,
what part in particular?
I don't know.
It all happened so fast.
I mean,
I mean,
fast was good
because
now we have time
to talk.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah,
well, look, Taylor,
all you have to say
was amazing
and then you can stop
and I'll believe you,
all right?
It was amazing.
Don't I know it?
I'm really sorry
about all this.
Yeah, well,
look, Taylor,
to tell you the truth,
the reason I was
a little distracted
was because
while we were
making love
I was thinking
of Shelly.
You're not just
saying that
to make me feel
better,
are you?
No,
I think I'm still
hung up on her,
you know?
Hey, hey,
listen,
I got an idea.
Why don't we tell
Danny that you're
still in love with him?
No.
No,
I've screwed up
his life enough.
You have to promise
me you're not
going to tell Danny.
No, no,
I have a perfect plan.
I mean,
you like Danny.
I know Danny likes you.
I like Shelly.
You know,
if they break up,
everybody can get
who they want.
Except for Shelly.
Yeah, well,
now a plan is perfect.
Norm,
you have to promise
me you won't
tell Danny.
All right,
all right,
Taylor,
I promise.
And I'm sure,
Norm,
that under
normal circumstances,
you're a very
good lover.
If I had a nickel
for every time
I've heard that.
All right,
Lori,
now,
as soon as the
men's room
gets empty,
I want you to go
in there and take
a look.
You have no idea
what we men
put up with in there.
Sir,
I understand
your ex-wife
is giving you
a hard time right now,
but you are
overcompensating
about the bathroom
thing.
It can't be
that bad.
Not that bad.
I have had to
hold my urine
until my bladder
distended
and hung
over my belt.
What are you
looking at?
Oh,
nothing,
sir.
This stunned
expression
signifying utter
revulsion,
that's how I always
know.
Hey,
Lori,
I've got to ask
your advice.
What do you do
if you want to
tell somebody
something,
but you promise
that you wouldn't?
Then you don't
tell them.
But what if you
really, really want
them?
But you promise
that you wouldn't?
Let's say
I didn't promise.
Then you can tell
them.
Well, let's say
I did promise.
Then you can't.
It's interesting,
Lori,
how your answers
conveniently change
depending upon
the question.
Oh, hey,
Danny, Danny,
I've got to tell
you something.
Listen, Taylor's
in love with you.
What?
And she told me
in complete confidence
I'd appreciate
if you didn't
blab it around
the office.
I can't believe
this.
Yeah, yeah.
So you know
what you should do?
You should break
up with Shelly
and go back
to your true
love, Taylor.
Oh, my God.
They both like me.
Yeah, yeah.
But you like Taylor.
Yeah, but I don't
hurt either one
of them.
Right, but Shelly
could handle
the blow
the best,
I think.
Get it, Norma?
I'm not just
going to break up
with Shelly.
I have to think
about this.
What are you?
Come on,
Shelly sucks.
I can't imagine
it's as bad
as you say it is.
And you're only
in there for
three minutes a day
anyway.
Three minutes,
I wish.
Hey, Willie.
Let's see.
All right.
It's, uh,
it's a little dark.
I could, I could,
I could put in
a request for more light.
You can't have
more light.
Anger's the vermin.
Sir.
It's not that bad.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Uh, I think
I might need a shot.
Isn't that lovely?
And that's where
we're supposed
to dry our hands.
Well, come on.
You have to keep
pulling on the towel
to get to the clean part.
Ah!
Well, you can always
use the hand dryer.
Okay.
All right.
It's very easy
to point out the negatives.
Look at the supply
of reading material
they give you there.
They don't give that to us.
It's not reading material.
We find the post
is the softest.
All right.
All right.
Well,
I admit,
it's not great,
but as the union rep,
I have so many
more serious things
to consider
that I just can't...
You're just saying
that, you know,
because you're not a man.
You have no idea
what we men
have to put up with.
It must be
very difficult for you, sir.
You have a dirty bathroom.
You know who you
should complain to.
The first woman president.
Yes, we have
bright, shiny mirrors.
We have a lot of light.
You know why that is?
That's so we can see
the sideburns
on our face
thanks to menopause.
Menopause, you see,
is our reward
for bleeding profusely
once a month
for 30 years.
So I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
I will take
the extra 40 cents
on every dollar
that you make
with your penis
and in exchange,
I will gladly
crap next to
a family of rats.
It's just so hard, Artie.
I mean, how do you
choose between
two wonderful,
beautiful women
who you really
care about?
You know what's hard?
Keeping this knife
out of your chest.
What do you mean?
Don't you get it?
You're the man.
You're James Bond.
Am I really?
Yes, you're James Bond
in the body
of James Coco.
Oh, my God.
They're both here
and they're together.
Maybe I should just
tell them what's going on
and let them decide.
No, you're the man.
They expect you
to make the choice.
Oh, hey, Danny.
Oh, hey, Shelly.
Hey, Taylor.
Hi.
Uh, what are you
doing here together?
Well, uh,
I felt a little awkward,
you know,
when we bumped
into each other
the other day,
so I called Taylor
and asked her
out for a drink.
Let's sit.
What's up?
Oh, here's the thing.
Um, uh,
you might be hearing
a couple of rumors,
so I just want to clarify
a few things.
Um, first of all,
you're both beautiful women
with very bright futures.
Second, um,
it has come to my attention
that both of you
have feelings for me.
Oh, my God.
Danny, I should go.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't worry, don't worry.
Um, um, as the man
in this situation,
um, I think I might have
come up with a solution,
uh, where everybody wins.
Uh, since you're,
you're both great
and I like both of you,
maybe you could share me.
What?
And that way, you know,
I mean, everyone
can get a little bit of Danny.
Wait a minute.
Are you suggesting
that we both date you?
Yes.
Crap.
Wait, what was I thinking?
Please, please,
just give me another chance.
Which one of us
are you talking to?
You!
Goodbye, Danny.
I'm sorry.
Forget it.
I think we got rid of her, huh?
You should just let Danny
make his own decision
and then let the chips
fall where they may.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's a terrible idea.
What if he chooses
Shelley, you know?
Maybe they start
going out together.
Who knows?
Maybe they even get married.
That's gonna make it
very hard for me
to go out with her.
Well, you...
You can't control
the situation.
Yeah, well,
that's where you're wrong.
I'm gonna help Danny decide.
What I did is
I got these pictures
computer-generated
to show
what Shelley and Taylor
are gonna look like
when they're old.
Here's Taylor.
And then here's Shelley.
Well, that's just
an old apple.
Yep.
I had to go through
a whole bin
until I found one
that looked just like her.
Oh, hey, Shelley.
How's it going?
Oh, I can't believe Danny.
He actually suggested
that Taylor and I
date him at the same time.
Oh, my God.
What a jerk.
Hey, you want to see
a picture he gave me
of you there?
No.
I'm going home.
Oh, hey, Shelley.
Listen, I know this might be
the wrong time
to say this and everything,
but I want you to know
I've been thinking
about you a lot lately.
Oh, not now, Norm.
I'm really not ready
for this right now.
Well, no, no, Shelley,
I'm serious, you know.
Ever since Danny
started going out with you,
it's been driving me crazy.
I really miss you.
Thank you.
That's very, very sweet.
Yeah, yeah.
And furthermore,
since you broke up with me,
why, why,
I haven't even touched
another woman.
Norm, you told Danny
how I felt.
I can't believe
I slept with you.
So, how exactly
did you have sex
without touching her?
Well, it wasn't
my best work,
I'll tell you that.
You are so full of it.
You said you were
waiting for me.
Well, yes,
but having sex
with other women
is part of waiting.
What?
Well, I mean
in that it kills time.
What?
Huh?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, you were wonderful,
Taylor.
I can't believe you.
Well, look, Shelley,
you're kind of putting me
on the spot here.
You know,
it's very hard to lie
to two women
at the same time.
Talk, talk.
Talk to two women
at the same time.
It's very hard to talk.
Hey, Taylor.
Hey, Shelley.
You're in a rush.
I won't stop you.
That's okay.
Yeah, you lost two women
in one day, huh, buddy?
Can't believe I blew it.
Well, who needs them, huh?
Yeah.
Hey, uh,
hate to ask you this,
but I really need to know.
Did you and Taylor
have sex?
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Well, what's the matter?
I mean, you and Shelley
had sex.
Uh, no, I didn't.
We never went that far.
Well, I don't understand.
We never had sex.
I'm confused.
No, we just wanted
to take things slowly.
I don't follow.
You know how when two people
are starting a new relationship?
Oh, yeah, sure.
And they're just starting
to get to know each other,
and they don't want
to screw things up
by having sex too quickly?
Man, you lost me.
Oh.
Oh, that tears it.
You know, I was just
in the women's restroom,
and guess what I found out?
I'm a big monkey
with big breasts.
Laurie, you don't know
how bad it is
in the men's room.
Norm, tell her.
Yes, Laurie,
it's so dirty in there
that when Mr. Denby's
humongous prostate
fell out of his ass,
he didn't even pick it up.
Imagine that.
Norm, tell her.
Poop.
What are you looking at?
Laurie's boobs.
What are you looking at?
I'm, uh...
So, how exactly did you have sex
without touching her?
Well, uh, nobody I have sex with
is ever truly touched.
So, how exactly did you have sex
without touching her?
Oh, no, you don't understand.
She didn't say slept with her.
She said, uh, she said,
schlepped with her.
You see, Taylor's been teaching me
a little Yiddish, you know.
Uh, you gotta believe me.
This Meshuganah means
butkus to me.
But, no.
Ha, ha, ha.

Episode 46   Norm vs Danny & Shelley 2001 02 09

Good morning, Mr. Denby. How are you doing today?
My damn ex-wife.
She wants more money from the divorce.
She's bleeding me dry.
If she doesn't leave me $25 more a month,
I could have her killed.
Sir. Sir.
Maybe you should tell these feelings to a therapist,
or even healthier.
Keep them to yourself.
Look, she's got this guy coming in today
to serve me papers,
so I want everybody, just for today,
I want everybody to call me Marcello.
Have you got that? Marcello.
Max, Denby?
Yes.
Oh, crap.
Reserved.
Hey, Claire.
You look great.
Oh, my. What are you doing here?
Well, I'm here to see Norm.
Actually, we're dating now.
Oh, God, no.
I mean, that's nice.
Oh, look, I hope you can be supportive about this.
Yeah, well, I hope I can be, too.
Oh, hey, Taylor.
Hey, Norm.
I came up to see if you can have lunch.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you meet me downstairs, though?
Because, you know,
I think it might be a little weird
around the office with Danny, you know?
Norm, you didn't tell me.
You're dating Taylor.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you know, I mean,
generally someone doesn't tell that
to the one person in the office
who's alone and bitter.
Well, good luck to you, Taylor.
And then the worm goes,
I want a lemon cookie,
and then, oh, bam, right on the...
Hi, Taylor.
Hi, Shelly.
Hey, Danny.
Hey, Taylor.
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm having lunch with Norm.
We're kind of dating now.
Oh.
Yeah, look, you know what I think
would make us all feel less awkward here
is if we just admit what's going on.
You know, I mean, Danny used to go out with Taylor,
and then now I'm going out with her,
and Danny's going out with a lady named Shelly,
who I used to have my initials on, so...
Why don't we go around the room,
and we'll each say why we feel weird.
Too bad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart
as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Too bad.
Oh, that tears it.
You know, I was just in the women's restroom,
and guess what I found out?
Ah, now, bear in mind, sir, those aren't professional poets,
and they could be referring to somebody else named Mr. Denbier.
Oh, no, no.
I was just in there, I was comparing it to the men's room.
Do you know what they've got in there?
They have a beautiful, fancy lounge in there,
and they've got a couch and a vanity and great tweezing light.
You don't tweeze, do you, sir?
No, no, no, how can I?
I can't tweeze, because we've got no light in there.
Weren't you listening to me?
Listen, sir, you don't need to tweeze
to make yourself look more attractive, sir.
Hey, why don't you sand down your whole face,
start from scratch?
Look, you don't understand, Lori.
Women have all, they just, they live a life of luxury
and alimony on couches, and we pay for it, we pay for it,
and what, I just, I'm sick to death of the second-class treatment
that men get in this world.
Who do I see to complain about this?
You don't know who the union rep is, sir, as the boss.
Don't you think that is part of your responsibility,
to know that?
Not to mention, you are a member of the union.
You know, if you don't know who the union rep is,
then how the, oh, it's me.
Well, all right, sister, let's just listen up.
I got a couple of complaints.
I just think it's unfair that women have couches
and alimony and better looking.
Well, I don't have time for this now.
I just found out I'm the union representative.
Up till now, I figured everybody was coming to me
to just bitch about their problems.
Now I realize I should have been writing it all down.
Lori, you don't know how bad it is in the men's room.
Norm, tell her.
There's a men's room here?
Boy, the manager of the donut shop across the street
is going to be happy to hear that.
You've been using the bathroom inside the donut shop?
There's a bathroom inside that donut shop?
Thank you, Norm.
Listen, I got a meeting now,
but the minute I get out, I'm taking you in there.
Fine, sir.
The minute kicked around long enough.
Take back the night!
Look, Norm,
I just want you to know
that I know why you're doing this
and I think it stinks.
What are you talking about?
Dating Taylor.
You're just doing it to get even with me.
Listen, Danny,
I really like Taylor.
And if I wanted to get even with you,
I could think up better ways
than to date your ex-girlfriend.
Actually, nothing to spring to mind.
That would be a good one.
Look, all I'm saying is
if you want to screw with me,
that's one thing,
but don't hurt Taylor.
I would never hurt Taylor.
Well, not consciously,
but subconsciously.
Look, Danny,
I think we know what's going on here.
You're jealous.
If Ben was jealous,
you'd be jealous.
Why would I be jealous?
Shelly and I are doing great.
We're closer than we've ever been.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Well, that's interesting
because Taylor and I
are closer than we've ever been.
Oh, yeah?
Shelly and I are like one person now.
We're like...
Shanny.
Look, Danny,
let's be honest about this, all right?
This is not about you and me.
It's not about you and Taylor.
It's not about me and Shelly.
Wait a minute.
It's got to be about one of us.
All right.
We got Taylor,
Shelly,
me,
and you.
Oh, hey, Taylor.
Hey, so listen,
I got everything planned
for our first real date together.
This is going to be great.
And also,
I cooked a great meal.
All right, all right.
I made the salad.
Oh,
it doesn't matter who made what.
I'm sure it's all very good.
Yeah,
that's what I said.
Oh,
and also,
you're going to love this.
Instead of getting one movie,
I got six movies
and I queued them all up
to the funniest parts.
Have you ever seen
the opening sequence
of Saving Private Ryan?
It's not funny.
It's horrible.
What are you talking about?
It's Tom Hanks.
That guy makes everything funny.
Well,
I've got a better idea.
Okay,
okay.
Now,
you're going a little fast, Taylor.
You know,
I have to catch up.
All right,
I'm good.
You know,
you want to hear something funny?
What?
Danny said today
that I was only going out with you
because subconsciously
I wanted to get back at him
for going out with Shelly.
Isn't that ridiculous?
Is that true?
No.
No,
I mean,
at least I don't think it is.
You know,
I really,
really like you.
I think it's just Danny's way
of confusing me.
This is all getting so complicated.
I was really hoping
we could start this relationship
without any baggage.
Oh,
well,
this isn't baggage.
This is more just like,
you know,
a shopping bag
that you pick up
at the souvenir stand,
you know,
and then the stewardess,
she won't let you on
because she's like,
you already got
two pieces of carry-on,
you know?
That one of my kids,
I don't know anything
about psychology.
Norm,
I think you're overthinking this.
Really?
No one's ever accused me
of that before.
Thinking about anything
but me now?
Can't say words.
Not too shabby, huh?
Yeah.
Not shabby.
What are you thinking?
I feel like I cheated on Danny.
What?
I think I was blinded
by this fantasy
I created around you.
There's no way
you could have lived up to that.
Of course,
it would have been nice
if you tried a little harder.
Anyway,
I'm starting to think
that leaving Danny
was a big mistake.
Ah, jeez.
The one time
I asked her Brad
what she's thinking,
look what happens.
So,
so,
I don't understand
you fell back
in love with Danny?
I mean,
how bad was the sex?
It was
fine.
I mean,
good.
Amazing, even.
Oh,
it was amazing?
Really?
Well,
what part in particular?
I don't know.
It all happened so fast.
I mean,
I mean,
fast was good
because
now we have time
to talk.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah,
well, look, Taylor,
all you have to say
was amazing
and then you can stop
and I'll believe you,
all right?
It was amazing.
Don't I know it?
I'm really sorry
about all this.
Yeah, well,
look, Taylor,
to tell you the truth,
the reason I was
a little distracted
was because
while we were
making love
I was thinking
of Shelly.
You're not just
saying that
to make me feel
better,
are you?
No,
I think I'm still
hung up on her,
you know?
Hey, hey,
listen,
I got an idea.
Why don't we tell
Danny that you're
still in love with him?
No.
No,
I've screwed up
his life enough.
You have to promise
me you're not
going to tell Danny.
No, no,
I have a perfect plan.
I mean,
you like Danny.
I know Danny likes you.
I like Shelly.
You know,
if they break up,
everybody can get
who they want.
Except for Shelly.
Yeah, well,
now a plan is perfect.
Norm,
you have to promise
me you won't
tell Danny.
All right,
all right,
Taylor,
I promise.
And I'm sure,
Norm,
that under
normal circumstances,
you're a very
good lover.
If I had a nickel
for every time
I've heard that.
All right,
Lori,
now,
as soon as the
men's room
gets empty,
I want you to go
in there and take
a look.
You have no idea
what we men
put up with in there.
Sir,
I understand
your ex-wife
is giving you
a hard time right now,
but you are
overcompensating
about the bathroom
thing.
It can't be
that bad.
Not that bad.
I have had to
hold my urine
until my bladder
distended
and hung
over my belt.
What are you
looking at?
Oh,
nothing,
sir.
This stunned
expression
signifying utter
revulsion,
that's how I always
know.
Hey,
Lori,
I've got to ask
your advice.
What do you do
if you want to
tell somebody
something,
but you promise
that you wouldn't?
Then you don't
tell them.
But what if you
really, really want
them?
But you promise
that you wouldn't?
Let's say
I didn't promise.
Then you can tell
them.
Well, let's say
I did promise.
Then you can't.
It's interesting,
Lori,
how your answers
conveniently change
depending upon
the question.
Oh, hey,
Danny, Danny,
I've got to tell
you something.
Listen, Taylor's
in love with you.
What?
And she told me
in complete confidence
I'd appreciate
if you didn't
blab it around
the office.
I can't believe
this.
Yeah, yeah.
So you know
what you should do?
You should break
up with Shelly
and go back
to your true
love, Taylor.
Oh, my God.
They both like me.
Yeah, yeah.
But you like Taylor.
Yeah, but I don't
hurt either one
of them.
Right, but Shelly
could handle
the blow
the best,
I think.
Get it, Norma?
I'm not just
going to break up
with Shelly.
I have to think
about this.
What are you?
Come on,
Shelly sucks.
I can't imagine
it's as bad
as you say it is.
And you're only
in there for
three minutes a day
anyway.
Three minutes,
I wish.
Hey, Willie.
Let's see.
All right.
It's, uh,
it's a little dark.
I could, I could,
I could put in
a request for more light.
You can't have
more light.
Anger's the vermin.
Sir.
It's not that bad.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Uh, I think
I might need a shot.
Isn't that lovely?
And that's where
we're supposed
to dry our hands.
Well, come on.
You have to keep
pulling on the towel
to get to the clean part.
Ah!
Well, you can always
use the hand dryer.
Okay.
All right.
It's very easy
to point out the negatives.
Look at the supply
of reading material
they give you there.
They don't give that to us.
It's not reading material.
We find the post
is the softest.
All right.
All right.
Well,
I admit,
it's not great,
but as the union rep,
I have so many
more serious things
to consider
that I just can't...
You're just saying
that, you know,
because you're not a man.
You have no idea
what we men
have to put up with.
It must be
very difficult for you, sir.
You have a dirty bathroom.
You know who you
should complain to.
The first woman president.
Yes, we have
bright, shiny mirrors.
We have a lot of light.
You know why that is?
That's so we can see
the sideburns
on our face
thanks to menopause.
Menopause, you see,
is our reward
for bleeding profusely
once a month
for 30 years.
So I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
I will take
the extra 40 cents
on every dollar
that you make
with your penis
and in exchange,
I will gladly
crap next to
a family of rats.
It's just so hard, Artie.
I mean, how do you
choose between
two wonderful,
beautiful women
who you really
care about?
You know what's hard?
Keeping this knife
out of your chest.
What do you mean?
Don't you get it?
You're the man.
You'