Name: Episode 48 Norm vs Homelessness 2001 02 23
Uploaded: 2022-06-24T05:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 48 Norm vs Homelessness 2001 02 23' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-24. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 48 Norm vs Homelessness 2001 02 23' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-24. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

What are you still doing here?
If you're gonna live with me, you have to abide by the schedule.
This is my night to have the apartment. You know that.
Oh, yeah, I know. I'm leaving. I'm putting on my jacket as we speak.
Well, as soon as Jim gets here, you gotta get out.
Now, I need your opinion. It's a first date.
So, do I wear what I've already got on,
or should I go with the sweater and the slacks?
I don't know. Do you have anything that a woman would wear?
I'll just wear what I'm wearing. Where's Wiener Dog?
Oh, he went out for a walk already.
You know what? That's probably your date there.
Oh, hey, Wiener Dog.
Hey, hey, listen, Lori, listen.
When this guy Jim shows up,
how are you gonna explain to him that you're living with a guy?
Just tell him you're a friend of mine who got thrown out of his apartment.
Come on. He's not gonna believe that.
He's gonna think I'm mowing your lawn.
Well, I think we'll be fine.
Hi, Jim.
Hey, Lori.
How are ya?
Good, good.
This is Norm.
Oh, hey, Jim. Norm Henderson, homosexual.
How are you?
No, Jim.
Actually, Norm is a friend of mine who got thrown out of his apartment.
Yeah, for being too gay.
Can you believe that?
Sheesh.
I'd file suit, you know,
but I don't have any time
because I'm having sex with guys all the time, quite frankly.
Isn't there a reason that you needed to get somewhere, like, now?
Yes.
Yes, yes.
Actually, there is.
I have to go to the Upper East Side
where there's a small group of federal scientists meeting.
I'm their keynote speaker tonight.
I am going to discuss the difference between federal science and, you know,
just science.
Hey, I brought some videos over.
Great.
What'd you get?
Did you ever see Sleepless in Seattle?
Uh, not with you.
Did you ever see Casablanca?
Not with you.
Did you ever see Speed 2?
Yeah, I saw that.
Hey, uh, listen, uh, guys,
sometimes the, uh, federal scientists don't show up
and I end up, you know, just watching the strippers by myself,
so I was wondering,
would it be okay if I came back in, like, 45 minutes, an hour?
No.
No, Norm, I'm going to give you some money
so that you can go to a movie with the other scientists.
So, uh, you're a scientist.
Yeah.
What are you working on?
Uh, well, hey, remember a couple years ago there
when they, uh, cloned that sheep?
Remember reading about that?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, tonight we're, uh, teaching them how to drive a car.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you'd hide to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
I want to kill myself
What's the matter?
Oh, are you all upset about Shirley breaking up with you?
No.
Gotta go to the stupid social workers convention up in Albany tonight.
Oh, come on, Danny.
It might be fun.
All packed, ready to go, Sanchez.
There's a place on the George Washington Bridge
where you can dive out and not get hurt too bad.
Okay, Lori, this is the key to my apartment.
And remember, the Fifi's got to be fed every morning.
Yes, I remember that.
And don't let her bark.
It would be hell to pay with the neighbors.
Are you sure that I'm really the person to do this?
No, of course, Lori.
You're the only person I trust.
Actually, Lori, you're my closest friend.
And you're my, my Mr. Dindy.
Hi, good morning.
I'm the executive director of the Stonehill Foundation.
I spoke to somebody about starting an inner-city youth program.
Oh, my God.
Danny, do you know who that is?
Do you know who that is?
That's Kim Cattino.
Oh, my God, that means nothing to me.
Well, I know.
That's because you never went to James Monroe High School.
Well, she was the coolest girl in the whole school.
So, why don't you go over there and talk to her?
I can't.
I was always intimidated by her, you know?
She's the smartest girl, and I was just an idiot.
You know, I, I remember I'd always try to impress her, you know?
By being smart.
And one time, I even joined the debate team.
And that's why we should protect free speech.
Excellent argument, Ms. Cattino.
And now, with rebuttal, Mr. Henderson.
Um, oh, I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talking about.
Yeah, I can never talk to her.
I always wind up saying something stupid.
Oh, excuse me.
Aren't you Norm Henderson?
Oh, yes, I am.
Are you?
I mean...
No, I'm Kim, Kim Cattino.
Do you remember from high school?
Yeah, yeah, I remember.
How you doing?
Hi.
So, what are you up to now?
Oh, well, I, I made a lot of money on Wall Street, and now I had my own
foundation.
It's my way of giving something back.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
So, do you work here?
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I made a lot of money myself in professional hockey, and now I work here.
Uh, it's my way of giving back.
Hey, uh, listen, would, would you like to go out Friday night?
Oh, my God, I would love to go out Friday night.
That would be great.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, since I'm going out Friday night, would you, would you go with me?
Uh, I'll see you Friday.
Ah, thank you.
That would be excellent.
Most greatly.
Norm, you're here doing community service.
I mean, she seemed to like you.
You should have told her the truth.
Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny, sweet, innocent, naive man.
Don't you realize that the truth is for children and people who don't want to
have sex?
There's only one problem.
I have no place to take her.
I got no money.
Oh, you know, you don't have to take her out.
You know what women love?
Yes, I know what women love, but I got no patience for that.
No, no, when, when you make them dinner, they think, they think that's very
romantic.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
I'll make her dinner.
Hey, do women love Lunchables?
Oh, son of a gun.
What, what is it?
I can't, I can't have her over because this is a schedule Lori and I made up
for when we'd have our apartment.
Lori's got it on Friday.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Lori, there's that water guy you said was cute.
No, I never said he was cute.
I said he would look cute wearing nothing but my hands.
Oh, hey, uh, hey, uh, uh, listen, uh, you see that girl over there in the brown
hair?
Well, I happen to know that she has a crush on you and, and, and she's
available Friday night.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not looking for a relationship right now,
uh, uh, concentrating on my career.
What the?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's probably for the best, you know, because, uh, she's not really your
type of girl, I don't think.
Why not?
I mean, she looks nice.
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, she's an odd duck, Lori.
All she likes to do is watch football and have sex.
Watch football and have sex.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Also, she has huge breasts.
She does?
Oh, well, yeah, you, you can't see them right now because, you see, every
morning she binds them up.
She, she thinks that makes them more attractive to men, but believe me, they're
large.
They are appallingly large.
Excuse me a minute.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Rick.
Oh, hi.
Water?
Sure, sure.
I'm Lori.
This is Shelly.
Hi, I was wondering if, uh, Friday night maybe you want to go out?
If I would want to go out on Friday night?
Uh, I had to see if I have, uh, any kind of business I'd, I'd need to take care
of.
How long do I need to talk to you so I don't look desperate?
What?
Never mind.
Just, just, just laugh so it looks like I said something funny.
What?
Thanks.
You've been a really big help.
Um, well, I guess Friday looks pretty good.
Great, I'll call you.
Yeah, that, uh.
Norm, the water guy asked me out.
The water guy asked me out.
It doesn't sound all that good when you say it out loud, does it?
But, you know, I don't care.
Is it weird that a seminar on battered husbands made me hungry?
Uh, maybe it was the word battered.
Good Lord, $3.50 for chicken fingers.
What is this, the Waldorf?
Yes, sir.
The Waldorf is known for their chicken fingers.
Oh, forget it.
I, I, I got a couple of Kraft singles left from the drive up.
I'm gonna go back up to my room, make a, make a grilled cheese sandwich with my
travel iron.
Um, are you using this chair?
No, no, no, go, go, go.
Danny, Danny.
Is it just me or did a little, did a little hot tail just walk in through the
front door?
Sir, remember, you said that we're here to work.
Yeah, but what, Danny, work is fine in Manhattan, but I've fallen under the
spell of Lady Albany.
Okay, let, let's, let's be realistic here, okay?
These women are incredibly hot, and we're us.
So what we're gonna have to do is we're gonna have to lie to them, okay?
I'll make up a bunch of great stuff about you, and you make up a bunch of great
stuff about me.
That's excellent.
And, uh, let me, okay.
Uh, excuse me, uh, is, is that, uh, barstool taken?
Uh, no.
Excuse me, aren't you Max Denby, the well-known lawyer I read about?
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Aren't you Danny Sanchez, the president of the United States?
Now, uh, Sam needs to believe this is my place, even though it's Lori's.
Would it be so bad if she knew you didn't have a place?
Yes, yes, it would.
She can't know I'm homeless.
If there's two things I know about women, one, they like orgasms.
Two, they like orgasms in a house.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be out with Rick.
Well, we decided to come back here.
Rick's in the bedroom.
Wait a minute.
Lori's having sex?
We gotta get out of here before he comes out.
The guy's obviously drunk and he could get violent.
Listen, there's gotta be a way we can figure this out.
Hey, hey, I got it.
Why don't you give me Denby's keys and, uh, and I'll phone Kimmy and I'll tell
her to meet me over there.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
If Denby found out I gave you the key, he'd probably fire me.
I'm not like you, Norm.
You see, you don't consider the consequences of the things that you do.
Well, that's because I don't know what they are until they happen.
Well, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to make up something to tell
your date, so goodbye.
Now, what am I gonna do?
I can't steal the keys to Denby's apartment.
That wouldn't be fair to Lori.
You got him?
Yeah, I got him.
Let's go.
Okay, sir, you ready to try this again?
Yeah.
Okay, now remember, you can't tell these women that I am somebody famous, okay?
Also, I can't be somebody with special powers, right?
So, for instance, it wasn't good when you said, aren't you a magical wizard?
Excuse me, uh, could I buy you a drink?
Sure.
Oh, uh, say, aren't you Danny Sanchez, the real estate magnate?
Yes, I am.
Well, I'm Dr. Max Denby.
Max Denby?
Wait, didn't I read an article about you?
Aren't you the doctor who does all that plastic surgery for the underprivileged
children?
Wow, I've heard about doctors like you.
I think what you people do is the most wonderful thing.
Oh, you know, sometimes they even fly to a foreign country, fix their ugly kids.
You just don't know what these women want.
Whoa, Denby's got a nice place.
Yeah, yeah, it does.
Kind of smells like grandma's.
Yeah, it does a little, you know.
Hey, remember that one really hot summer when grandma didn't answer her phone
for a couple weeks?
Well, uh, anyway, stench of death or not.
I think Kimmy's really gonna like this place.
Hey, look, it's Denby's day planner.
Let's check this out.
Yeah, let's see.
Monday, 9:30 to 10:00, hate norm.
10 to 10:30, hate norm.
10 to 10:30, hate norm.
10:30 to 11:00, hate norm.
11 to 11:30, ab crunches.
11:30 to 12:00.
Oh, that's Kim.
You gotta get out of here.
You gotta get out of here.
Here, take this.
Take it out the back.
Listen, remember what dad used to say.
No matter how smart a girl is, she can't be that smart if she's dating you.
I can't believe you stole the keys.
What keys?
The keys to Denby's apartment.
What, Denby's apartment?
Norm, how could you do this to me?
Look, look, look, this Kimmy girl is really important to me, you know?
I mean, can't you relate at all?
When you were in high school, wasn't there ever a guy that you really had a
crush on,
but you always made a fool out of yourself in front of him?
Hey, Laurie, nice dress.
No, never.
Okay, that's Kimmy.
Listen, she can't know I'm homeless.
Come on, Laurie, please help me with this.
Please, I'm begging you, please.
Okay, okay, you totally have me over a barrel.
Which reminds me, I gotta get back to Rick.
Uh, hi, Kim.
Hi.
Hi, Norm.
Hey, you look great.
Thanks.
Wow, great place.
Oh, thank you very much.
It's mine.
Can I, uh, can I take your coat?
Uh, yeah, thanks.
Oh, cute dog.
Oh, yeah, interesting story about that dog.
He belongs to me.
Why do you have pictures of yourself with your eyes all gouged out?
Well, it's, uh, it's, uh, it's complicated.
Wine?
You get senior years?
Oh, no, that's Mr. Dent.
Yes, that's mine.
Yes, yes, yes, uh, I just have that, uh, here, uh, so that when my elderly
friends
visit, they have something to read.
You know, I mean, I feel really weird telling you this, but, um,
in high school, I actually had a really huge crush on you.
You did?
Oh, my God, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why, why didn't you ever tell me that?
I did.
I put a note in your locker saying I wanted to kiss you after school.
Oh, my God, that was you?
I thought that was Coach Carlson.
I, I quit basketball for nothing.
God, I've been in this, this jacket all day.
What's wrong with your dog?
I don't know.
Oh, you know what, put your jacket back on.
I think I know what it is.
You know, I, I, I think the dog barks every time you take off an article of
clothing.
There's only one solution to this.
We have to kill that dog.
Excuse me for just a sec.
Oh, hi.
I manage this building.
Where's Mr. Denby?
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, uh, uh, well, the thing is this.
You see, uh, I'm pretending this is my place because I have a girl over here.
Oh, I see.
Is, uh, is that Denby's dog?
Ah, yeah, yeah, it is.
I'm pretending it's my dog, but it's really Mr. Denby's dog.
Tell you what, I won't tell your girl this isn't your apartment.
If you'll tell Denby dogs aren't allowed in the building and he's evicted.
Okay?
Sure, no problem.
Wait, what?
No, no, you, you can't evict Mr. Denby.
He'll kill me.
That's your problem.
Norm, I just overheard this, this isn't your place.
Uh, no, it's not my place.
I, I, I got kicked out of my place and I, I was afraid to tell you because I, I
thought
that, you know, you, you wouldn't want to go out with me.
Oh, Norm, Norm, you don't have to do that.
Look, I mean, everybody goes through tough times.
You should have just told me the truth.
Yeah, yeah, the truth.
Well, yeah, I, I'll tell you the truth.
The truth is that, well, I, I got kicked out of my apartment because I didn't
have enough
money to pay the rent, you know, because I don't get paid that much as a social
worker,
you know, and, and also I'm not even a real social worker.
I mean, uh, I just did community service because I got arrested for a tax evasion
because of my
compulsive gambling, you know, so, so long story short, you know, I'm a
convicted felon
with no place to live, uh, who, uh, quite frankly, is lucky not to be in prison.
You know, um, I, I, I appreciate you being, you being honest with me and I'm
going to be honest with you.
Um, I just realized that my father's funeral is today and I, I should really be
there.
Oh, well, hey, Kimmy, thanks for being honest.
Oh, Norm, so she took off as soon as you told her the truth about you?
Yeah, I guess we both learned a little lesson about lying this weekend.
Yeah, that's right. You should never lie to a woman. Trouble is, you should
never tell them the truth, either.
It's a puzzler.
But you know, Danny, whenever it comes right down to it, I don't think either
one of us
wants a woman who doesn't love us for who we truly are. Problem is, that kind
of woman is what
psychiatrists refer to as a figment of our imagination. Hey, Norm. Um, it's
kind of hard for me ever to
apologize, but I do want to say that maybe I came down a little hard on you
yesterday. I'll apology accepted.
Oh, hey, listen, Lori, you know what you were saying about consequences? Yeah.
Yeah, well, he just walked in. Hey, everyone. Uh, listen, I need my keys, Lori.
Right away, sir. Give me Demi's keys. Uh, well, they'd be kind of pointless
because
they don't open anything anymore. The locks were changed.
What? Yeah, yeah. You and me got, uh, Demi evicted from his apartment.
Oh, my God. How did I let you talk me into this thing?
Well, I think basically because you're kind of weak-willed.
So what's going on? Well, sir, I, uh, I think Lori has learned a little
something about consequences.
Oh, Norm, I think there'll be plenty of consequences to go around.
Your feet are cold. I have no circulation below my knees.
You two keep it down. I've got a date in there.
Norm, Norm, have you seen my ace bandage?
No. It's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.
Oh, it's on the table.

Episode 48   Norm vs Homelessness 2001 02 23

What are you still doing here?
If you're gonna live with me, you have to abide by the schedule.
This is my night to have the apartment. You know that.
Oh, yeah, I know. I'm leaving. I'm putting on my jacket as we speak.
Well, as soon as Jim gets here, you gotta get out.
Now, I need your opinion. It's a first date.
So, do I wear what I've already got on,
or should I go with the sweater and the slacks?
I don't know. Do you have anything that a woman would wear?
I'll just wear what I'm wearing. Where's Wiener Dog?
Oh, he went out for a walk already.
You know what? That's probably your date there.
Oh, hey, Wiener Dog.
Hey, hey, listen, Lori, listen.
When this guy Jim shows up,
how are you gonna explain to him that you're living with a guy?
Just tell him you're a friend of mine who got thrown out of his apartment.
Come on. He's not gonna believe that.
He's gonna think I'm mowing your lawn.
Well, I think we'll be fine.
Hi, Jim.
Hey, Lori.
How are ya?
Good, good.
This is Norm.
Oh, hey, Jim. Norm Henderson, homosexual.
How are you?
No, Jim.
Actually, Norm is a friend of mine who got thrown out of his apartment.
Yeah, for being too gay.
Can you believe that?
Sheesh.
I'd file suit, you know,
but I don't have any time
because I'm having sex with guys all the time, quite frankly.
Isn't there a reason that you needed to get somewhere, like, now?
Yes.
Yes, yes.
Actually, there is.
I have to go to the Upper East Side
where there's a small group of federal scientists meeting.
I'm their keynote speaker tonight.
I am going to discuss the difference between federal science and, you know,
just science.
Hey, I brought some videos over.
Great.
What'd you get?
Did you ever see Sleepless in Seattle?
Uh, not with you.
Did you ever see Casablanca?
Not with you.
Did you ever see Speed 2?
Yeah, I saw that.
Hey, uh, listen, uh, guys,
sometimes the, uh, federal scientists don't show up
and I end up, you know, just watching the strippers by myself,
so I was wondering,
would it be okay if I came back in, like, 45 minutes, an hour?
No.
No, Norm, I'm going to give you some money
so that you can go to a movie with the other scientists.
So, uh, you're a scientist.
Yeah.
What are you working on?
Uh, well, hey, remember a couple years ago there
when they, uh, cloned that sheep?
Remember reading about that?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, tonight we're, uh, teaching them how to drive a car.
Too bad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad that you'd hide to get caught
That's not like you to lose face
So sad that you're not as smart
As you thought you were in the first place
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
Too bad
I want to kill myself
What's the matter?
Oh, are you all upset about Shirley breaking up with you?
No.
Gotta go to the stupid social workers convention up in Albany tonight.
Oh, come on, Danny.
It might be fun.
All packed, ready to go, Sanchez.
There's a place on the George Washington Bridge
where you can dive out and not get hurt too bad.
Okay, Lori, this is the key to my apartment.
And remember, the Fifi's got to be fed every morning.
Yes, I remember that.
And don't let her bark.
It would be hell to pay with the neighbors.
Are you sure that I'm really the person to do this?
No, of course, Lori.
You're the only person I trust.
Actually, Lori, you're my closest friend.
And you're my, my Mr. Dindy.
Hi, good morning.
I'm the executive director of the Stonehill Foundation.
I spoke to somebody about starting an inner-city youth program.
Oh, my God.
Danny, do you know who that is?
Do you know who that is?
That's Kim Cattino.
Oh, my God, that means nothing to me.
Well, I know.
That's because you never went to James Monroe High School.
Well, she was the coolest girl in the whole school.
So, why don't you go over there and talk to her?
I can't.
I was always intimidated by her, you know?
She's the smartest girl, and I was just an idiot.
You know, I, I remember I'd always try to impress her, you know?
By being smart.
And one time, I even joined the debate team.
And that's why we should protect free speech.
Excellent argument, Ms. Cattino.
And now, with rebuttal, Mr. Henderson.
Um, oh, I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talking about.
Yeah, I can never talk to her.
I always wind up saying something stupid.
Oh, excuse me.
Aren't you Norm Henderson?
Oh, yes, I am.
Are you?
I mean...
No, I'm Kim, Kim Cattino.
Do you remember from high school?
Yeah, yeah, I remember.
How you doing?
Hi.
So, what are you up to now?
Oh, well, I, I made a lot of money on Wall Street, and now I had my own
foundation.
It's my way of giving something back.
Wow.
Oh, yeah.
So, do you work here?
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I made a lot of money myself in professional hockey, and now I work here.
Uh, it's my way of giving back.
Hey, uh, listen, would, would you like to go out Friday night?
Oh, my God, I would love to go out Friday night.
That would be great.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, since I'm going out Friday night, would you, would you go with me?
Uh, I'll see you Friday.
Ah, thank you.
That would be excellent.
Most greatly.
Norm, you're here doing community service.
I mean, she seemed to like you.
You should have told her the truth.
Oh, Danny, Danny, Danny, sweet, innocent, naive man.
Don't you realize that the truth is for children and people who don't want to
have sex?
There's only one problem.
I have no place to take her.
I got no money.
Oh, you know, you don't have to take her out.
You know what women love?
Yes, I know what women love, but I got no patience for that.
No, no, when, when you make them dinner, they think, they think that's very
romantic.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
I'll make her dinner.
Hey, do women love Lunchables?
Oh, son of a gun.
What, what is it?
I can't, I can't have her over because this is a schedule Lori and I made up
for when we'd have our apartment.
Lori's got it on Friday.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Lori, there's that water guy you said was cute.
No, I never said he was cute.
I said he would look cute wearing nothing but my hands.
Oh, hey, uh, hey, uh, uh, listen, uh, you see that girl over there in the brown
hair?
Well, I happen to know that she has a crush on you and, and, and she's
available Friday night.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not looking for a relationship right now,
uh, uh, concentrating on my career.
What the?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's probably for the best, you know, because, uh, she's not really your
type of girl, I don't think.
Why not?
I mean, she looks nice.
Yeah, yeah, but, uh, she's an odd duck, Lori.
All she likes to do is watch football and have sex.
Watch football and have sex.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Also, she has huge breasts.
She does?
Oh, well, yeah, you, you can't see them right now because, you see, every
morning she binds them up.
She, she thinks that makes them more attractive to men, but believe me, they're
large.
They are appallingly large.
Excuse me a minute.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Rick.
Oh, hi.
Water?
Sure, sure.
I'm Lori.
This is Shelly.
Hi, I was wondering if, uh, Friday night maybe you want to go out?
If I would want to go out on Friday night?
Uh, I had to see if I have, uh, any kind of business I'd, I'd need to take care
of.
How long do I need to talk to you so I don't look desperate?
What?
Never mind.
Just, just, just laugh so it looks like I said something funny.
What?
Thanks.
You've been a really big help.
Um, well, I guess Friday looks pretty good.
Great, I'll call you.
Yeah, that, uh.
Norm, the water guy asked me out.
The water guy asked me out.
It doesn't sound all that good when you say it out loud, does it?
But, you know, I don't care.
Is it weird that a seminar on battered husbands made me hungry?
Uh, maybe it was the word battered.
Good Lord, $3.50 for chicken fingers.
What is this, the Waldorf?
Yes, sir.
The Waldorf is known for their chicken fingers.
Oh, forget it.
I, I, I got a couple of Kraft singles left from the drive up.
I'm gonna go back up to my room, make a, make a grilled cheese sandwich with my
travel iron.
Um, are you using this chair?
No, no, no, go, go, go.
Danny, Danny.
Is it just me or did a little, did a little hot tail just walk in through the
front door?
Sir, remember, you said that we're here to work.
Yeah, but what, Danny, work is fine in Manhattan, but I've fallen under the
spell of Lady Albany.
Okay, let, let's, let's be realistic here, okay?
These women are incredibly hot, and we're us.
So what we're gonna have to do is we're gonna have to lie to them, okay?
I'll make up a bunch of great stuff about you, and you make up a bunch of great
stuff about me.
That's excellent.
And, uh, let me, okay.
Uh, excuse me, uh, is, is that, uh, barstool taken?
Uh, no.
Excuse me, aren't you Max Denby, the well-known lawyer I read about?
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Aren't you Danny Sanchez, the president of the United States?
Now, uh, Sam needs to believe this is my place, even though it's Lori's.
Would it be so bad if she knew you didn't have a place?
Yes, yes, it would.
She can't know I'm homeless.
If there's two things I know about women, one, they like orgasms.
Two, they like orgasms in a house.
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be out with Rick.
Well, we decided to come back here.
Rick's in the bedroom.
Wait a minute.
Lori's having sex?
We gotta get out of here before he comes out.
The guy's obviously drunk and he could get violent.
Listen, there's gotta be a way we can figure this out.
Hey, hey, I got it.
Why don't you give me Denby's keys and, uh, and I'll phone Kimmy and I'll tell
her to meet me over there.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
If Denby found out I gave you the key, he'd probably fire me.
I'm not like you, Norm.
You see, you don't consider the consequences of the things that you do.
Well, that's because I don't know what they are until they happen.
Well, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to make up something to tell
your date, so goodbye.
Now, what am I gonna do?
I can't steal the keys to Denby's apartment.
That wouldn't be fair to Lori.
You got him?
Yeah, I got him.
Let's go.
Okay, sir, you ready to try this again?
Yeah.
Okay, now remember, you can't tell these women that I am somebody famous, okay?
Also, I can't be somebody with special powers, right?
So, for instance, it wasn't good when you said, aren't you a magical wizard?
Excuse me, uh, could I buy you a drink?
Sure.
Oh, uh, say, aren't you Danny Sanchez, the real estate magnate?
Yes, I am.
Well, I'm Dr. Max Denby.
Max Denby?
Wait, didn't I read an article about you?
Aren't you the doctor who does all that plastic surgery for the underprivileged
children?
Wow, I've heard about doctors like you.
I think what you people do is the most wonderful thing.
Oh, you know, sometimes they even fly to a foreign country, fix their ugly kids.
You just don't know what these women want.
Whoa, Denby's got a nice place.
Yeah, yeah, it does.
Kind of smells like grandma's.
Yeah, it does a little, you know.
Hey, remember that one really hot summer when grandma didn't answer her phone
for a couple weeks?
Well, uh, anyway, stench of death or not.
I think Kimmy's really gonna like this place.
Hey, look, it's Denby's day planner.
Let's check this out.
Yeah, let's see.
Monday, 9:30 to 10:00, hate norm.
10 to 10:30, hate norm.
10 to 10:30, hate norm.
10:30 to 11:00, hate norm.
11 to 11:30, ab crunches.
11:30 to 12:00.
Oh, that's Kim.
You gotta get out of here.
You gotta get out of here.
Here, take this.
Take it out the back.
Listen, remember what dad used to say.
No matter how smart a girl is, she can't be that smart if she's dating you.
I can't believe you stole the keys.
What keys?
The keys to Denby's apartment.
What, Denby's apartment?
Norm, how could you do this to me?
Look, look, look, this Kimmy girl is really important to me, you know?
I mean, can't you relate at all?
When you were in high school, wasn't there ever a guy that you really had a
crush on,
but you always made a fool out of yourself in front of him?
Hey, Laurie, nice dress.
No, 