Name: Episode 49 Norm is Fat 2001 03 02
Uploaded: 2022-06-25T05:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 49 Norm is Fat 2001 03 02' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-25. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 49 Norm is Fat 2001 03 02' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-25. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

- Hey, everyone. - Hi. Welcome back.
How was your probation officer training?
It was great. I learned to break a door down with my head.
Well, actually, you're supposed to use your shoulder,
but, uh, I was talking during the lecture.
And that took six weeks?
Well, they also taught us how to tell if a person was lying.
Oh, really? Oh, wow, that's so interesting.
I know.
Well, I guess it doesn't work in the real world.
- So where's Norm? - Oh, Shelly.
In the six weeks you've been gone,
he's been under a lot of stress lately.
And, uh, there's something I ought to tell you about Norm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, Shelly.
Yeah. Norm, what happened?
Huh? Oh, yeah, I got a new shirt. You like it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Plus, I'm a big fat guy now.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Norm, I can't believe what's happened to you.
Oh, well, Shelly, you know how weight loss has been a problem
that's baffled scientists for years.
Well, apparently weight gain is, uh, pretty simple.
So, how did this happen?
Well, that's a long story.
That's a story that would require that box of doughnuts over there.
Oh, Norm.
You cut all the chocolate doughnuts in half,
and then you put cream cheese on them.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah.
So, it all started about six weeks ago.
I got kicked out of my apartment
by my evil landlady who doubled my rent.
Then I got Denby kicked out of his apartment.
Although, I suspect that was more God acting through me.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
And Wienerdog wanted to see what he looked like with his ears up, you know?
So I was I was using different of your hair products to experiment with it.
And so then Denby comes in and he claims he wants to clean the bathtub.
What's wrong with that?
Well, whoever heard anybody cleaning the bathtub?
He puts soap and water in there every day.
Well, supper's ready.
We've got fresh oven roasted game ham with asparagus,
sauteed new potatoes, and a fresh baked lingonberry pie for dessert.
Game hen the day after squab.
What a dork.
Look at my couch.
There's a big stain on it.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
That was me.
You know what happened is I spilled some club soda on there.
And then I remember my grandmother telling me the only way to get that out was
with red wine.
You know, I, uh, I think the goofy old broad had it backwards.
You know, Norm, I do agree with you that there are one too many people living
here, but I was thinking another person could leave.
Oh, no, no, Lori, you can't move out. This is your place.
No, no, no, no, you can't. Please don't, don't make me move out. Please, please,
no.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, but you really do have to leave. Your goodness and majesty
are just too magnificent to be contained in such a small apartment.
Lori really said that.
Well, uh, look, Shelly, you gotta allow me some artistic license here, huh?
Otherwise, it's just a story about me getting fat.
Seeing you like this is just so sad, Norm.
You have such a pretty face.
Yeah, I know.
Anyways, Lori gave me a couple of weeks to find a new apartment.
Later that night, we were at the bar.
Marty, how'd you get a promotion? I thought your boss didn't even like you.
I just thought to myself, "What would Norm do?"
So I walked into my boss and I said, "Look, I know what you've done,
and if you don't promote me, I'm gonna turn you in."
Oh, and what had he done?
I don't know.
Well, congratulations.
And I gotta say, that new sport coat, that looks great on you.
Yeah, you know, it's the weirdest thing. Since I've lost the weight, I don't
look fat anymore.
You know, I've been known to predict the future, and right now I see a vision.
It's a vision of you and me having a couple of drinks, then strolling on the
beach together,
then returning to your apartment where we will make sweet, sweet love into the
night.
Look, I'm not interested, no.
Well, can I sleep on your couch? I have no place to live.
Look, I'm not in much trouble.
Ah, my life sucks.
What's the matter?
I don't know, man. I got no money. I got no place to live.
I got an idea. Your old place is still on the market, right?
Yeah?
Well, I'm making some money now.
What if I move in there and you can have my old place?
Huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we could switch places, sure.
Switch places.
Now remember that phrase.
'Cause that's gonna be important later.
Yeah, Hardy.
Now that I got a new place to live, I feel like I'm back in the saddle again,
you know?
Oh, hey, Tina, listen now.
I just got a new place, cross town, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to
come there.
I cook you a nice meal. What do you think of that?
No.
Are you ready to go, Tina?
Sure.
Take it easy, Paul.
Norm, you're the kind of guy I could fall in love with.
Because I have no self-esteem, I'm choosing Artie over you.
Perhaps later, I'll let a bunch of bikers have sex with me.
Norm, you made that last part up.
Well, yeah, but you got the idea, right? That she was a huge whore?
Yes, I got that.
So anyways, now it turned out that I was living over at, uh, Artie's to wear my
eggs.
Now, meanwhile, I'm gonna tell you a story that was happening to Lori at
exactly the same time.
Now, a couple of nights later, Lori woke up to discover that she had been sleepwalking.
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
If that happened to me, I'd tie my foot to the bed.
Then I'd throw my bed off the roof.
Well, let's get back to how he became a huge lard ass.
Now, I had everybody over to my new place, which, remember, was Artie's old
apartment.
Hey, Artie.
Hey, bro.
I know stuff's going kinda bad for you, so I bought you some groceries.
Oh, thanks a lot, man.
Oh, look at all this stuff.
Twinkies and ho-hos and devil dogs.
Wow.
Wow.
These things are great.
Yeah.
Whenever things weren't going that good for me, I used to like a little treat.
Oh, yeah?
Wow.
I see what you mean.
With every creamy, spongy bite, my problems get littler and littler.
What happened?
We got robbed in the hallway.
This was a welcome basket.
According to the gentleman on the stoop, we could have gotten you a small child
if we'd had a rock of crack.
Don't forfeit. It's a trick.
You buy one of those kids, they're trained to run right back home.
Artie, you used to live here.
Why didn't you tell Norm the neighborhood was so dangerous at night?
It didn't occur to me, you know?
I just thought I was helping him out.
Lori, don't worry about me.
Hey, I got Wienerdog to protect me.
Not too sure about this new place, Norm.
What are you talking about now?
Come on.
We're going to have a good time.
We're going to have fun.
It's Norm's place.
Hey, who wants the place to travel, huh?
I don't know, I guess.
There you go.
There you go.
Artie, would you come back and help me?
It's in the back.
Why?
Well, because, uh, something back there keeps turning the lights on and off
from inside the walls.
Hey, Danny.
I gotta tell you something.
The weirdest thing happened to me the other night.
I'm watching a giant rat trying to open the refrigerator.
Is it weirder than that?
So, um, the other night I was sleepwalking, and when I woke up, I discovered I
was in bed with Mr. Denby.
You were in bed with him?
Yeah.
Just a second.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh.
Okay, go on.
Well...
See, I don't know why I'm doing it.
I...
Maybe it's because he's feeding me.
Maybe, maybe he reminds me of my grandmother, and I just like snuggling into
his full pillowy bosom.
Hey, guys, we couldn't find the Scrabble game, but you know what?
I can borrow it from, from the next-door neighbors.
Nice couple.
Always awake.
They, they run a crystal meth lab out of their apartment.
Uh, I'm not too sure, uh, coming over here was such a good idea, Norm.
Yeah, why don't we go over to my place?
We always had fun there when it was Norm's.
Yeah, let's go over there.
Come on, Norm, come on.
Oh, wait a minute.
No, this is, this is Norm's place.
This is where the fun is.
Come on, guys, stay here.
Norm, I just started my self-defense classes, and so far I only know how to bow.
Yeah, come on, Norm, nobody's comfortable here.
You sure you don't want to come with us?
Nah, nah, I'll be all right there.
Ah.
Ah, well, what the heck, huh, weeder dog?
More ho-hos and twinkies for us, anyway.
What's that, weeder dog?
There's something over there.
Another weeder dog, there's nothing over there.
Weeder dog!
Stop!
Hey, just for that, tomorrow you can pick up your own poop.
Norm, so you started all this eating as a reaction to stress?
Yep.
You know, this reminds me of a story about my Aunt Agnes.
It all started about--
Hey!
I'm telling a story here.
Now, weeks passed, and all my old friends started hanging out with Artie.
But I made new friends.
Friends with names like Dolly Madison, Sarah Lee, Duncan Hines, Dwayne Johnson.
Dwayne Johnson was a fat guy, loaning me some pants.
Anyways, one day I was sitting at my desk, moping around, and Lori came to talk
to me.
Norm, how are you?
I'm fat. How are you?
Now, listen, you can't just sit there all depressed.
You have to do something.
You can start by getting out of Artie's crappy place.
This is a list of all the rent control departments in New York.
Well, I don't want a rent control department. I want my old apartment back.
You know, when I lost that, that's when my luck started getting real bad.
Now, that's crazy. You have to take action, or things are just gonna keep
getting worse and worse.
Yeah, I guess you're right, Lori. I mean, I mean, my life's going to hell in a
handbasket, and I'm just sitting here doing nothing.
I am sitting, right?
Oh, Lori, you forgot the lunch I made for you this morning.
Oh.
Hey, you know, when you're ready for dessert, I'll use my propane torch to
caramelize the creme brulee.
Sir, it's been really lovely having you, because you've been a great guest.
But I think maybe you ought to start looking for your own place.
Oh, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't be imposing on you.
Is it because the lamb roast was overdone last night?
No.
Is it because I'm such a nerd?
No, that's not it.
Is it because you've been creeping into bed with me every night?
You knew about that?
Yeah, of course I knew.
Lori, that's when we do our secret cuddling.
Oh, God. Oh, God, God.
Well, I thought we made a secret agreement not to mention it, because it was so
special.
Well, so we'll see.
But I was sleepwalking, so I didn't even really know that I was doing it.
You mean we weren't sharing a chaste moment of physical intimacy?
I'm unclean. I'm unclean.
All right. All right. I'll move out. But you...
You were purring.
Lori, Lori, look what I found. My old apartment. It's rent control.
What?
Yeah. My evil landlady had no right to raise my rent that high.
I can still afford that apartment.
On a lesser note, saying three sentences in a row gets me winded.
And I help you.
Yeah, landlady. It's me. It's Norm.
Henderson?
There's something different about you.
You did something to your hair.
You put it on a big fat guy.
Look, landlady, I found out that this building is rent controlled.
I want my apartment back.
I want my husband to come back with my little sister.
But we can't have everything we want, and I can't.
Geez, landlady, I ain't ever, never knew that Mr. Landlady was a philanderer
there.
Look, if you want to get back into your apartment, take it up with the new
tenant, who I believe is your skinny brother.
All right, I will.
Hey, bro, come on in.
Hey, Artie, I got some great news, man.
Turns out landlady wasn't allowed to raise my rent after all.
I can get the place back.
I don't know, Norm. I just got all my stuff moved in here.
Well, it's my place.
I mean, you're gonna give it back to me, right?
Hey, you can come visit any time you want.
Like, you know, when the gang comes over to visit.
The gang?
That's my gang. You stole my gang.
Hey, are you wearing my shirt?
Well, you left it here, and I figured it wouldn't fit you anymore.
You stole my gang? You stole my shirt?
What's next, Artie? Another shirt?
Look, man, I didn't steal anything, all right?
Yeah, you did. You stole my life.
That's ridiculous. I would never do a thing like that.
Really? Yeah, well, look at the facts.
You live in my apartment, and you hang out with all my friends.
You even date that girl that I liked down at the bar.
Look, there is a perfectly good explanation for all of those things.
And who is that?
That sausage dog.
Would you look at that?
I am trying to steal your life.
Now, why would you do a thing like that?
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I guess the truth is, I've looked up to you my entire life.
Who wouldn't, you know? You're a great guy.
You're smart. You're good-looking.
Women love you.
Men want to be you.
You have one of the finest minds of our generation.
But most of all, you're my big brother.
And I love you.
I love you, too, man.
I love you.
Wow, that's really sweet.
I can't believe you guys expressed your feelings like that.
Well, that's what we meant.
You know, I think what we actually said was a little different.
Hey, check it out, man. It's a fish.
Oh, my God, it is a fish.
So, this is great, Norm.
You got your apartment back.
Yep.
And now that my life is great, I don't need to eat this crap anymore.
You know what? Tomorrow I'm starting to exercise.
Norm, the fact that you overcame all that stuff is so impressive
that I want to rip your clothes off right now, right here in the counseling
room.
Norm, I know that's not happening. I'm sitting right here.
Oh, yeah. Well, I gave it a shot.
Oh, hey, Danny.
Hey.
Hey, so what do you think, man? I'm almost back to my normal weight, huh?
Yeah, yeah, but it's 5:00 a.m. Why did you call me?
I thought Laurie was jogging with you this morning.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't know what happened there.
I keep calling her, but no one answers, you know?
Hey. Hey, you figured Mr. Denby would answer, right?
He's so proud he knows how to use a phone.
No, he doesn't live there anymore. He moved to a new place across town.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, let's go.
I'm sorry.

Episode 49   Norm is Fat 2001 03 02

- Hey, everyone. - Hi. Welcome back.
How was your probation officer training?
It was great. I learned to break a door down with my head.
Well, actually, you're supposed to use your shoulder,
but, uh, I was talking during the lecture.
And that took six weeks?
Well, they also taught us how to tell if a person was lying.
Oh, really? Oh, wow, that's so interesting.
I know.
Well, I guess it doesn't work in the real world.
- So where's Norm? - Oh, Shelly.
In the six weeks you've been gone,
he's been under a lot of stress lately.
And, uh, there's something I ought to tell you about Norm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, Shelly.
Yeah. Norm, what happened?
Huh? Oh, yeah, I got a new shirt. You like it?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Plus, I'm a big fat guy now.
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad. Too bad.
Norm, I can't believe what's happened to you.
Oh, well, Shelly, you know how weight loss has been a problem
that's baffled scientists for years.
Well, apparently weight gain is, uh, pretty simple.
So, how did this happen?
Well, that's a long story.
That's a story that would require that box of doughnuts over there.
Oh, Norm.
You cut all the chocolate doughnuts in half,
and then you put cream cheese on them.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah.
So, it all started about six weeks ago.
I got kicked out of my apartment
by my evil landlady who doubled my rent.
Then I got Denby kicked out of his apartment.
Although, I suspect that was more God acting through me.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
I got kicked out of my apartment.
And Wienerdog wanted to see what he looked like with his ears up, you know?
So I was I was using different of your hair products to experiment with it.
And so then Denby comes in and he claims he wants to clean the bathtub.
What's wrong with that?
Well, whoever heard anybody cleaning the bathtub?
He puts soap and water in there every day.
Well, supper's ready.
We've got fresh oven roasted game ham with asparagus,
sauteed new potatoes, and a fresh baked lingonberry pie for dessert.
Game hen the day after squab.
What a dork.
Look at my couch.
There's a big stain on it.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
That was me.
You know what happened is I spilled some club soda on there.
And then I remember my grandmother telling me the only way to get that out was
with red wine.
You know, I, uh, I think the goofy old broad had it backwards.
You know, Norm, I do agree with you that there are one too many people living
here, but I was thinking another person could leave.
Oh, no, no, Lori, you can't move out. This is your place.
No, no, no, no, you can't. Please don't, don't make me move out. Please, please,
no.
Oh, no, I'm sorry, but you really do have to leave. Your goodness and majesty
are just too magnificent to be contained in such a small apartment.
Lori really said that.
Well, uh, look, Shelly, you gotta allow me some artistic license here, huh?
Otherwise, it's just a story about me getting fat.
Seeing you like this is just so sad, Norm.
You have such a pretty face.
Yeah, I know.
Anyways, Lori gave me a couple of weeks to find a new apartment.
Later that night, we were at the bar.
Marty, how'd you get a promotion? I thought your boss didn't even like you.
I just thought to myself, "What would Norm do?"
So I walked into my boss and I said, "Look, I know what you've done,
and if you don't promote me, I'm gonna turn you in."
Oh, and what had he done?
I don't know.
Well, congratulations.
And I gotta say, that new sport coat, that looks great on you.
Yeah, you know, it's the weirdest thing. Since I've lost the weight, I don't
look fat anymore.
You know, I've been known to predict the future, and right now I see a vision.
It's a vision of you and me having a couple of drinks, then strolling on the
beach together,
then returning to your apartment where we will make sweet, sweet love into the
night.
Look, I'm not interested, no.
Well, can I sleep on your couch? I have no place to live.
Look, I'm not in much trouble.
Ah, my life sucks.
What's the matter?
I don't know, man. I got no money. I got no place to live.
I got an idea. Your old place is still on the market, right?
Yeah?
Well, I'm making some money now.
What if I move in there and you can have my old place?
Huh.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess we could switch places, sure.
Switch places.
Now remember that phrase.
'Cause that's gonna be important later.
Yeah, Hardy.
Now that I got a new place to live, I feel like I'm back in the saddle again,
you know?
Oh, hey, Tina, listen now.
I just got a new place, cross town, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to
come there.
I cook you a nice meal. What do you think of that?
No.
Are you ready to go, Tina?
Sure.
Take it easy, Paul.
Norm, you're the kind of guy I could fall in love with.
Because I have no self-esteem, I'm choosing Artie over you.
Perhaps later, I'll let a bunch of bikers have sex with me.
Norm, you made that last part up.
Well, yeah, but you got the idea, right? That she was a huge whore?
Yes, I got that.
So anyways, now it turned out that I was living over at, uh, Artie's to wear my
eggs.
Now, meanwhile, I'm gonna tell you a story that was happening to Lori at
exactly the same time.
Now, a couple of nights later, Lori woke up to discover that she had been sleepwalking.
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
If that happened to me, I'd tie my foot to the bed.
Then I'd throw my bed off the roof.
Well, let's get back to how he became a huge lard ass.
Now, I had everybody over to my new place, which, remember, was Artie's old
apartment.
Hey, Artie.
Hey, bro.
I know stuff's going kinda bad for you, so I bought you some groceries.
Oh, thanks a lot, man.
Oh, look at all this stuff.
Twinkies and ho-hos and devil dogs.
Wow.
Wow.
These things are great.
Yeah.
Whenever things weren't going that good for me, I used to like a little treat.
Oh, yeah?
Wow.
I see what you mean.
With every creamy, spongy bite, my problems get littler and littler.
What happened?
We got robbed in the hallway.
This was a welcome basket.
According to the gentleman on the stoop, we could have gotten you a small child
if we'd had a rock of crack.
Don't forfeit. It's a trick.
You buy one of those kids, they're trained to run right back home.
Artie, you used to live here.
Why didn't you tell Norm the neighborhood was so dangerous at night?
It didn't occur to me, you know?
I just thought I was helping him out.
Lori, don't worry about me.
Hey, I got Wienerdog to protect me.
Not too sure about this new place, Norm.
What are you talking about now?
Come on.
We're going to have a good time.
We're going to have fun.
It's Norm's place.
Hey, who wants the place to travel, huh?
I don't know, I guess.
There you go.
There you go.
Artie, would you come back and help me?
It's in the back.
Why?
Well, because, uh, something back there keeps turning the lights on and off
from inside the walls.
Hey, Danny.
I gotta tell you something.
The weirdest thing happened to me the other night.
I'm watching a giant rat trying to open the refrigerator.
Is it weirder than that?
So, um, the other night I was sleepwalking, and when I woke up, I discovered I
was in bed with Mr. Denby.
You were in bed with him?
Yeah.
Just a second.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh.
Okay, go on.
Well...
See, I don't know why I'm doing it.
I...
Maybe it's because he's feeding me.
Maybe, maybe he reminds me of my grandmother, and I just like snuggling into
his full pillowy bosom.
Hey, guys, we couldn't find the Scrabble game, but you know what?
I can borrow it from, from the next-door neighbors.
Nice couple.
Always awake.
They, they run a crystal meth lab out of their apartment.
Uh, I'm not too sure, uh, coming over here was such a good idea, Norm.
Yeah, why don't we go over to my place?
We always had fun there when it was Norm's.
Yeah, let's go over there.
Come on, Norm, come on.
Oh, wait a minute.
No, this is, this is Norm's place.
This is where the fun is.
Come on, guys, stay here.
Norm, I just started my self-defense classes, and so far I only know how to bow.
Yeah, come on, Norm, nobody's comfortable here.
You sure you don't want to come with us?
Nah, nah, I'll be all right there.
Ah.
Ah, well, what the heck, huh, weeder dog?
More ho-hos and twinkies for us, anyway.
What's that, weeder dog?
There's something over there.
Another weeder dog, there's nothing over there.
Weeder dog!
Stop!
Hey, just for that, tomorrow you can pick up your own poop.
Norm, so you started all this eating as a reaction to stress?
Yep.
You know, this reminds me of a story about my Aunt Agnes.
It all started about--
Hey!
I'm telling a story here.
Now, weeks passed, and all my old friends started hanging out with Artie.
But I made new friends.
Friends with names like Dolly Madison, Sarah Lee, Duncan Hines, Dwayne Johnson.
Dwayne Johnson was a fat guy, loaning me some pants.
Anyways, one day I was sitting at my desk, moping around, and Lori came to talk
to me.
Norm, how are you?
I'm fat. How are you?
Now, listen, you can't just sit there all depressed.
You have to do something.
You can start by getting out of Artie's crappy place.
This is a list of all the rent control departments in New York.
Well, I don't want a rent control department. I want my old apartment back.
You know, when I lost that, that's when my luck started getting real bad.
Now, that's crazy. You have to take action, or things are just gonna keep
getting worse and worse.
Yeah, I guess you're right, Lori. I mean, I mean, my life's going to hell in a
handbasket, and I'm just sitting here doing nothing.
I am sitting, right?
Oh, Lori, you forgot the lunch I made for you this morning.
Oh.
Hey, you know, when you're ready for dessert, I'll use my propane torch to
caramelize the creme brulee.
Sir, it's been really lovely having you, because you've been a great guest.
But I think maybe you ought to start looking for your own place.
Oh, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't be imposing on you.
Is it because the lamb roast was overdone last night?
No.
Is it because I'm such a nerd?
No, that's not it.
Is it because you've been creeping into bed with me every night?
You knew about that?
Yeah, of c