Name: Episode 50 Norm vs Deception 2001 03 09
Uploaded: 2022-06-26T05:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 50 Norm vs Deception 2001 03 09' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-26. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 50 Norm vs Deception 2001 03 09' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-26. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

that's lee that's the cute guy i've been working with i've been trying to hook
up with him ever
since he started here yeah well lori you know if you want to get a guy's
attention you gotta
you gotta give him a hint you know make eye contact take off your top
hey lori here's that budget report you asked me for thanks you know lee we've
still got an awful
lot of work here to do and i was thinking that maybe you know we could uh work
late or tonight
like maybe stay over at my place i could get some pizzas and maybe some beer
and you know rent a
couple of movies or why don't we just work here during the day yeah sure yeah
we can do that too
you know i was just thinking that you know we might be more productive after
eight hours of work and a
bunch of booze you know but hey listen i was about to head down to lunch lunch
so i'll see you in an hour
lori go after him go after him norm please i'm gonna throw myself at him at my
dignity you know
this is still good right
hey guys oh hey shelly listen i got something for you you know seeing that uh
today is the one year
anniversary of our breakup uh i thought it only right that i give you these
naked pictures i took of you
thanks norm that's very decent of you sorry it took so long to get it back but
my parents were holding
on to him they what yeah but don't worry about it my stepmom's bridge group
said you had the breasts
of a 25 year old girl i want the negatives too norm i want the negatives i'll
give you the negatives
because they did not care for your ass
lori i can't i cannot believe it the two of you have committed fraud what do
you mean you tried to
ignore medical insurance through this office by claiming he was your
significant other well that's it now i can explain that
yeah sir sir i'll come clean with you on that one uh if you remember a few
months ago i i had to get my wisdom teeth pulled out
and uh i realized that because i was on community service i wasn't covered
under any health plans so uh
that's when i fell in love with lori the two of you the two of you a couple it's
right i don't believe it it's ridiculous
now i know where you're going with this sir and maybe lori is not quite in my
league but
but she is here and i i don't like to travel
you listen to me mister you can't get away with defrauding this office i'm
going to prove that
you're lying when i do lori you're going to have a reprimand on your record and
you sir
you're going to be in jail for good no sir well sir we really are a couple i've
just been trying to
keep it secret you know because because uh well frankly take a look
all right you're a couple let me see a kiss
ah well i think that would be kind of you know uh the reason we don't want to
kiss sir is because
quite frankly we've been having all manner of deviant sex the past couple of
weeks and uh
i don't know where her mouth has been
if you don't kiss her if you don't kiss her right now i'm gonna report you
what are we gonna do okay just go with me on this all right
all right all right fine i'm not gonna report you today but i'm gonna be
watching you
that was some clever of you the way you did the fake kiss
what do you mean fake
too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place
too bad that you had to get caught that's not like you to lose face
so sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place
too bad
too bad too bad too bad too bad too bad too bad too bad
hey danny uh what are those guys coming to do that article about you
uh they'll be here tomorrow sir
gee you know you sound awful if you're sick you should have stayed home
uh no no not sick at all no no but um i will be sick on july 2nd 3rd and 5th
look i don't want to catch a cold i got a very expensive senior ski vacation
coming up
i i i there's gonna be a lot of hot older women on the slopes and i look very
attractive when i
when i'm going by very quickly
you might you might try the same thing during sex sir
i haven't forgotten about you two i'm going to be keeping an eye on you
oh yes sir yes sir we're more in love with each passing moment now laurie
be a good girl and go get danny some coffee yeah sweetie yeah
here's those receipts you wanted leak oh hey thanks uh so you're going out with
norm
uh yeah yeah yeah norm and i are very much in love you smell great
yeah all right then i didn't know about you two i guess i'm kind of surprised
yeah
laura did you see that lee is upset that you're going out with me well duh i'm
upset i'm going
out with you no no i think i know a way to get this guy what do you mean well
let me explain something
to you laurie now in the animal kingdom the male lion is always interested in a
lioness that has another
male lion that way it knows that the lioness is fertile and free of disease
oh now you are right yeah
hey laurie if uh you can give me that last total we can get the budget out
today
ah laurie i love you i love you every time i look at you i think there is a
girl who is clean
and could have a baby
norm is a lucky guy really you think so oh yeah got a great looking girl with
uh excellent sense of
humor well yeah i am kind of funny you know you got a little island oh oh thank
you yeah you got a
little speck of dirt oh it's bleeding it's a mole yeah um it's okay okay i'm
gonna go i'll go get a
band-aid and i'll be right back oh my god i think it's working of course it is
now we just got to
string him along until he's ripe for the picket if we follow the animal model
we'll know he's ready
to make his move when he urinates on my desk
oh uh mr debbie um uh these are the guys i told you about from the spanish
language newspaper that's
doing an article on me and uh they want to take a picture of you and me shaking
hands i'm not gonna
shake your hands you're you're stuffed full of germs like a virus pinata
it's it's it's really important no
what's the what's the matter what is he saying uh well they're they're
wondering why you won't touch me
they think you harbor resentment against me because i'm an up-and-coming latino
that's not true i i i
touch hispanics all the time i'm not excessive touching i just just when they
ask for it just
tell them i tell them i tell them i i'm not shaking your hands because you've
got a cold el dirt oh
uh sir lamano that's un nombre muy difícil what do you say you say something
mean about me all right
i'll shake your freaking hand i do oh
i hate you people oh no no no no no not latinos the sick
norm you were so right lee is way more interested now that he thinks we're a
couple i really appreciate
everything you're doing for me you bet you bet well i didn't believe it but i
guess it's true
what i just found out that you and laurie have been dating for the last month
oh oh yeah shelly
no you don't understand that you're going out it's just that i thought we were
still friends how come
i had to find out from the janitor i can't believe this bothers you so much i
mean you were never upset
when the janitor told you about other women i was dating i'm not upset now
either it's just that well
you know laurie's not some big bimbo laurie's more like like like me and it's
just it's just you know
it's never going to work out i mean and i'm very worried that you two are going
to screw up your
friendship i mean it's it's i'm worried about people's friendships right now
there's a new
presidential administration and i'm it's very important that people learn to
get along
hey laurie laurie laurie i found out something amazing
first of all i think there's a new president of some sort and uh
i think shelly is jealous because we're in a relationship oh really
yeah shelly is interested in me because i did something good for you
i knew if i did something unselfish i would get something out of it
marty hey laurie you look happy yeah well yeah norm and i are pretending to be
a couple to get this
guy all hot for me and it's working like a charm oh yeah norm and i pulled that
scam before to get
chicks only we weren't a couple we were country bumpkins
norm norm i gotta tell you the fake dating thing it's great yeah yeah you fooling
lee me fooling
shelly i'll tell you it's love the way i always dreamed it'd be
but now it's time to take to the next level let's get it on yeah now
i figure that uh in order to get shelly real jealous we gotta we gotta make
believe that we're
even closer so i wrote some things for us to say okay and i think this will
really do the trick here
you go okay oh norm you're so great thank you laurie no no no no really great
oh thank you again
what are you complaining about you have all the best lines here no no no i can't
do this sober
hey norm oh hey shelly oh uh there's laurie over at the bar my girlfriend why i
miss her more than i
can say listen norm i just want you to know that well i'm really happy for you
and laurie
well i said happy happy yeah well that's not possible how can you be happy and
jealous at the
same time oh i know i was thrown at first but then i realized what's going on
here friends who aren't
in relationships sometimes give it a try and i hope you two have a lot of fun
fun fun there's no fun
this is a serious relationship there's no fun at all laurie come on over here
oh honey you'd be so proud
i just did three shots in 45 seconds yeah well forget about that shelly here
thinks we're having fun
she doesn't think it's serious well i think it's time we announce to her that
we are getting married
bartender
now sir don't you think it's a little crazy to be wearing a mask i don't know
what you're talking
about michael jackson wears a mask and there's nothing there's nothing wrong
with him now listen mr dandy
this doesn't make any sense danny has the cold don't you think danny should be
wearing the mask oh
you're right sanchez you put this on on second dot sir the the cold's probably
in the air now maybe
maybe you should wear the mask you know you know you're right there you give me
that back
i'm i'm breathing his germs now that's the funny part
uh bad no you are bad you are so bad no you are so bad
hey uh laurie listen man this whole thing's going great this whole fake
engagement thing shelley's going
crazy for me now now's the time we break up i go make my move on shelley no no
no no things are going
great with me and lee he just kissed me in the counseling room i think he
thinks it's exciting that
we're fooling around behind your back so you and i can't break up now no no lori
let's get our priorities
straight you're just trying to fool lee into having sex with you i'm trying to
fool shelley into falling in
love with me well no i'm not going to do it lee likes me cheating on you and i
have to respect that
oh lori now that we've uh finished the budget uh would you like to begin some
filing
uh hey shelley shelley what's the matter
i don't want to talk norm are you mad at me or something no i'm not mad at you
i'm mad at myself
where's that damn austin file shelley come on come on what is it
all right
if you really want to know i guess i'm just upset that you and laurie are
getting married
i mean the truth is i thought maybe you and i could you know work out you
really did yes and and i
tried to convince myself that you and laurie weren't really in love but i mean
who was i kidding
right i mean it's obvious laurie's madly in love with you right right right but
uh uh if laurie
weren't in love with me then you'd want to go out with me well it doesn't
matter because it's obvious
that she is yeah yeah yeah that's obvious but but uh just to be clear if laurie
i don't want to talk
about it anymore right right right oh hey uh shelley i saw that austin file
actually
um it's in the counseling room so why don't you go in there
don't knock you know the door sticks or just throw it open
it appears the uh austin file is shaking you up a little shelley no no no no it's
it's not that
it's just ah there she is laurie my fiancee shelley was just saying uh what a
wonderful person you are
oh shelley that's so nice hey where's my bra
ah she's the best that laurie thanks for reminding me what a great person she
is
no norm listen i have to tell you something i tell me tell me you can tell me
what is it
i'll just tell you later no tell me ah it's all stretched to hell
norm norm i need to talk to you in private oh yeah okay
oh yeah uh shelley i want to show you the uh flowers i bought for laurie uh the
card says
you're too good to be true but she's not though right
uh what is it shelley okay this is gonna be hard for you to hear but uh
i think laurie and lee are involved no yes i saw him kissing this morning well
come on now
come on now shelley i mean they're working together there's bound to be some
kissing
you have to face this yeah i guess i do i i guess i'm just a little stunned you
know i i mean are you
sure about this yeah they were all over each other i can't believe she broke my
heart
and more importantly what am i supposed to do now where do i go from here that's
the real question
so sorry norm uh that's that's just a pity kiss
no no no no it wasn't i told you how i felt about you
well you know you really should have told me how you felt about me before i
started going
out with the big easy out there i would have sorry
norm ah glory well what are you doing in here with shelley
apparently what a lot of other people have been doing in here
ah this is ridiculous this is an outrage i trusted you i was gonna marry you
and you broke my heart
damn get out jeez can you believe that character come on let's kiss some more
norm
you're not gonna let her off that easy ah jeez i thought i knew you laurie i
can't believe what
you did to this man tell her how you feel norm bad i feel bad now now shelley
you don't understand
everything i understand enough i've lost all respect for you yeah laurie i mean
you have to admit you
come off a bit of a whore in this whole thing hey watch your mouth he's not
gonna watch his mouth
he's gonna kick your ass actually i was gonna watch my mouth
you know maybe if you were giving laurie what she needed she wouldn't have come
to me at all
absolutely i agree
what are you making fun of me oh no no no although you make it kind of hard not
to
no no no no stop stop stop you don't understand it's just that norm and i were
never dating we
just made the whole thing up what what is there no end to your deception woman
have you no shame
wait a minute what is going on you mean with i thought we were cheating
you're not even engaged to him no we're not because i'm secretly married to a
guy who lives in albany
shelly i'm sorry you know i expect this from norm but i can't believe you lied
to me well and we
didn't want to hurt you it's just that we started pretending we were dating
because of an insurance
thing and then lee got jealous and then you got jealous by accident and it's
all very complicated
and difficult but this is what it takes to get me a date these days
did you really think we could have a long-term relationship based on a lie oh
you betcha
canny but look at you ah come on now shelly let's be honest here come on now i
know that you got
feelings for me still i do not what are you talking about how could you be
jealous of laurie and me
unless you had feelings for me
shelly shelly shelly i'm more at fault than he is i'm the one you should slap i'm
not in love with you
if i'm crying it's because of emotional stuff not because i got hit by a girl
all right
mr denby what are you doing out there on the ledge i'm breathing germ-free air
all right
my cab's coming at seven i'm not going to be sick for my ski vacation okay well
we're leaving sir
have a good vacation fine fine close the door i don't want any germs getting in
here

Episode 50   Norm vs Deception 2001 03 09

that's lee that's the cute guy i've been working with i've been trying to hook
up with him ever
since he started here yeah well lori you know if you want to get a guy's
attention you gotta
you gotta give him a hint you know make eye contact take off your top
hey lori here's that budget report you asked me for thanks you know lee we've
still got an awful
lot of work here to do and i was thinking that maybe you know we could uh work
late or tonight
like maybe stay over at my place i could get some pizzas and maybe some beer
and you know rent a
couple of movies or why don't we just work here during the day yeah sure yeah
we can do that too
you know i was just thinking that you know we might be more productive after
eight hours of work and a
bunch of booze you know but hey listen i was about to head down to lunch lunch
so i'll see you in an hour
lori go after him go after him norm please i'm gonna throw myself at him at my
dignity you know
this is still good right
hey guys oh hey shelly listen i got something for you you know seeing that uh
today is the one year
anniversary of our breakup uh i thought it only right that i give you these
naked pictures i took of you
thanks norm that's very decent of you sorry it took so long to get it back but
my parents were holding
on to him they what yeah but don't worry about it my stepmom's bridge group
said you had the breasts
of a 25 year old girl i want the negatives too norm i want the negatives i'll
give you the negatives
because they did not care for your ass
lori i can't i cannot believe it the two of you have committed fraud what do
you mean you tried to
ignore medical insurance through this office by claiming he was your
significant other well that's it now i can explain that
yeah sir sir i'll come clean with you on that one uh if you remember a few
months ago i i had to get my wisdom teeth pulled out
and uh i realized that because i was on community service i wasn't covered
under any health plans so uh
that's when i fell in love with lori the two of you the two of you a couple it's
right i don't believe it it's ridiculous
now i know where you're going with this sir and maybe lori is not quite in my
league but
but she is here and i i don't like to travel
you listen to me mister you can't get away with defrauding this office i'm
going to prove that
you're lying when i do lori you're going to have a reprimand on your record and
you sir
you're going to be in jail for good no sir well sir we really are a couple i've
just been trying to
keep it secret you know because because uh well frankly take a look
all right you're a couple let me see a kiss
ah well i think that would be kind of you know uh the reason we don't want to
kiss sir is because
quite frankly we've been having all manner of deviant sex the past couple of
weeks and uh
i don't know where her mouth has been
if you don't kiss her if you don't kiss her right now i'm gonna report you
what are we gonna do okay just go with me on this all right
all right all right fine i'm not gonna report you today but i'm gonna be
watching you
that was some clever of you the way you did the fake kiss
what do you mean fake
too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place
too bad that you had to get caught that's not like you to lose face
so sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place
too bad
too bad too bad too bad too bad too bad too bad too bad
hey danny uh what are those guys coming to do that article about you
uh they'll be here tomorrow sir
gee you know you sound awful if you're sick you should have stayed home
uh no no not sick at all no no but um i will be sick on july 2nd 3rd and 5th
look i don't want to catch a cold i got a very expensive senior ski vacation
coming up
i i i there's gonna be a lot of hot older women on the slopes and i look very
attractive when i
when i'm going by very quickly
you might you might try the same thing during sex sir
i haven't forgotten about you two i'm going to be keeping an eye on you
oh yes sir yes sir we're more in love with each passing moment now laurie
be a good girl and go get danny some coffee yeah sweetie yeah
here's those receipts you wanted leak oh hey thanks uh so you're going out with
norm
uh yeah yeah yeah norm and i are very much in love you smell great
yeah all right then i didn't know about you two i guess i'm kind of surprised
yeah
laura did you see that lee is upset that you're going out with me well duh i'm
upset i'm going
out with you no no i think i know a way to get this guy what do you mean well
let me explain something
to you laurie now in the animal kingdom the male lion is always interested in a
lioness that has another
male lion that way it knows that the lioness is fertile and free of disease
oh now you are right yeah
hey laurie if uh you can give me that last total we can get the budget out
today
ah laurie i love you i love you every time i look at you i think there is a
girl who is clean
and could have a baby
norm is a lucky guy really you think so oh yeah got a great looking girl with
uh excellent sense of
humor well yeah i am kind of funny you know you got a little island oh oh thank
you yeah you got a
little speck of dirt oh it's bleeding it's a mole yeah um it's okay okay i'm
gonna go i'll go get a
band-aid and i'll be right back oh my god i think it's working of course it is
now we just got to
string him along until he's ripe for the picket if we follow the animal model
we'll know he's ready
to make his move when he urinates on my desk
oh uh mr debbie um uh these are the guys i told you about from the spanish
language newspaper that's
doing an article on me and uh they want to take a picture of you and me shaking
hands i'm not gonna
shake your hands you're you're stuffed full of germs like a virus pinata
it's it's it's really important no
what's the what's the matter what is he saying uh well they're they're
wondering why you won't touch me
they think you harbor resentment against me because i'm an up-and-coming latino
that's not true i i i
touch hispanics all the time i'm not excessive touching i just just when they
ask for it just
tell them i tell them i tell them i i'm not shaking your hands because you've
got a cold el dirt oh
uh sir lamano that's un nombre muy difícil what do you say you say something
mean about me all right
i'll shake your freaking hand i do oh
i hate you people oh no no no no no not latinos the sick
norm you were so right lee is way more interested now that he thinks we're a
couple i really appreciate
everything you're doing for me you bet you bet well i didn't believe it but i
guess it's true
what i just found out that you and laurie have been dating for the last month
oh oh yeah shelly
no you don't understand that you're going out it's just that i thought we were
still friends how come
i had to find out from the janitor i can't believe this bothers you so much i
mean you were never upset
when the janitor told you about other women i was dating i'm not upset now
either it's just that well
you know laurie's not some big bimbo laurie's more like like like me and it's
just it's just you know
it's never going to work out i mean and i'm very worried that you two are going
to screw up your
friendship i mean it's it's i'm worried about people's friendships right now
there's a new
presidential administration and i'm it's very important that people learn to
get along
hey laurie laurie laurie i found out something amazing
first of all i think there's a new president of some sort and uh
i think shelly is jealous because we're in a relationship oh really
yeah shelly is interested in me because i did something good for you
i knew if i did something unselfish i would get something out of it
marty hey laurie you look happy yeah well yeah norm and i are pretending to be
a couple to get this
guy all hot for me and it's working like a charm oh yeah norm and i pulled that
scam before to get
chicks only we weren't a couple we were country bumpkins
norm norm i gotta tell you the fake dating thing it's great yeah yeah you fooling
lee me fooling
shelly i'll tell you it's love the way i always dreamed it'd be
but now it's time to take to the next level let's get it on yeah now
i figure that uh in order to get shelly real jealous we gotta we gotta make
believe that we're
even closer so i wrote some things for us to say okay and i think this will
really do the trick here
you go okay oh norm you're so great thank you laurie no no no no really great
oh thank you again
what are you complaining about you have all the best lines here no no no i can't
do this sober
hey norm oh hey shelly oh uh there's laurie over at the bar my girlfriend why i
miss her more than i
can say listen norm i just want you to know that well i'm really happy for you
and laurie
well i said happy happy yeah well that's not possible how can you be happy and
jealous at the
same time oh i know i was thrown at first but then i realized what's going on
here friends who aren't
in relationships sometimes give it a try and i hope you two have a lot of fun
fun fun there's no fun
this is a serious relationship there's no fun at all laurie come on over here
oh honey you'd be so proud
i just did three shots in 45 seconds yeah well forget about that shelly here
thinks we're having fun
she doesn't think it's serious well i think it's time we announce to her that
we are getting married
bartender
now sir don't you think it's a little crazy to be wearing a mask i don't know
what you're talking
about michael jackson wears a mask and there's nothing there's nothing wrong
with him now listen mr dandy
this doesn't make any sense danny has the cold don't you think danny should be
wearing the mask oh
you're right sanchez you put this on on second dot sir the the cold's probably
in the air now maybe
maybe you should wear the mask you know you know you're right there you give me
that back
i'm i'm breathing his germs now that's the funny part
uh bad no you are bad you are so bad no you are so bad
hey uh laurie listen man this whole thing's going great this whole fake
engagement thing shelley's going
crazy for me now now's the time we break up i go make my move on shelley no no
no no things are going
great with me and lee he just kissed me in the counseling room i think he
thinks it's exciting that
we're fooling around behind your back so you and i can't break up now no no lori
let's get our priorities
straight you're just trying to fool lee into having sex with you i'm trying to
fool shelley into falling in
love with me well no i'm not going to do it lee likes me cheating on you and i
have to respect that
oh lori now that we've uh finished the budget uh would you like to begin some
filing
uh hey shelley shelley what's the matter
i don't want to talk norm are you mad at me or something no i'm not mad at you
i'm mad at myself
where's that damn austin file shelley come on come on what is it
all right
if you really want to know i guess i'm just upset that you and laurie are
getting married
i mean the truth is i thought maybe you and i could you know work out you
really did yes and and i
tried to convince myself that you and laurie weren't really in love but i mean
who was i kidding
right i mean it's obvious laurie's madly in love with you right right right but
uh uh if laurie
weren't in love with me then you'd want to go out with me well it doesn't
matter because it's obvious
that she is yeah yeah yeah that's obvious but but uh just to be clear if laurie
i don't want to talk
about it anymore right right right oh hey uh shelley i saw that austin file
actually
um it's in the counseling room so why don't you go in there
don't knock you know the door sticks or just throw it open
it appears the uh austin file is shaking you up a little shelley no no no no it's
it's not that
it's just ah there she is laurie my fiancee shelley was just saying uh what a
wonderful person you are
oh shelley that's so nice hey where's my bra
ah she's the