Name: Episode 51 Norm vs Cuba 2001 03 16
Uploaded: 2022-06-27T05:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 51 Norm vs Cuba 2001 03 16' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 51 Norm vs Cuba 2001 03 16' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Hey, Norm.
Oh, hey, Jen.
Hey, I brought your illegal cable box for you.
Since I'll be going away, you can go ahead and watch your porn.
Sweet.
So, Jenny, where are you going?
I'm going to Philadelphia for a veterinary conference.
I'm going to learn how to give dogs CPR.
Hey, Jenny, I remember, every time you have your mouth in one of those sexy Rottweilers,
that'd be thinking of me.
I'm going to miss you so much.
Oh, I'm going to miss you more.
No, I'm going to miss you more.
You're probably right.
You're probably right.
Hey, Judy, we have to close these doors, and if any reporters come by, don't
let them in.
Who's that kid?
Oh, my God, that's the Cuban orphan who stowed away in the wheel well of an
airplane.
I just saw him on the news.
Hey, everyone, this is Hector Martinez, and like that Elion boy, unfortunately,
he's in the middle of a very sensitive political situation.
So I'm going to need somebody to take charge of him until our government
decides what they
want to do next.
Well, I think I'm the most qualified, sir, considering my Hispanic heritage,
you know,
Denny Sanchez.
Oh.
I forgot.
Denny, could you ask him, please, if there's anything we can get for him?
Is there anything we can get for you?
I could have done that.
I thought it was odd that you didn't.
Well, if you don't speak Spanish, then the boy's going to Lori.
Lori's our senior social worker here.
Yeah, but I'm not sure that I'm the right person.
Oh, of course you are, Lori.
Listen, because of the media circus that's probably going to surround the kid,
I think it would
probably be best for little Hector if you took him home with you.
Oh, see, the thing is, sir, I'm really good with kids around the office, but my
place isn't
really set up for kids.
Well, just put away your sex toys and kick out whatever roadie's currently shacking
up
with you and get ready to be mommy.
Well, I just have so much work on my desk.
It's all right.
We'll get somebody to do it for you.
The boy's a priority.
Whoever's taking care of him is not even going to have to come into work.
Oh, hey, Lori, can I have a word with you?
Listen, I know you're going to take care of the boy there, and I think you
should have
like a man's influence, you know, to teach him how to throw a curveball, how to
wrestle,
you know, how to, you know, unhook a bra with a broken thumb.
You're just trying to get off work, aren't you?
But since I do need help understanding an eight-year-old mind, why don't I go
to a man
who owns one?
Excellent.
Let's get out of here.
Well, let me just see if he's hungry or something.
Hector, do you speak English?
Yes, but I speak it much faster than you.
Well, Lori, you've exposed your prejudice.
Just because he's foreign, you take him for uneducated.
I make no such presumptions.
Hector, it is nice to meet you, sir.
And just so I don't embarrass myself, what is the Mexican word for Cuba,
exactly?
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
I'll get it, wiener dog.
God forbid you should get up.
Hello.
Hey, hey there, Hector.
Hey, hey, got your nose.
Don't be alarmed.
It's just my thumb.
Got your nose.
Isn't he funny, Hector?
Why don't you go sit on the couch right there?
Because I want to talk to Norm, just for a second.
Hey, how's it going with Hector?
It's really amazing.
You know, I was all worried about having him,
but it turns out I'm really good with kids.
Lori, can I have another chocolate bar?
Uh, did you finish both the ones I gave you in the car?
Yes.
All right, then.
There you go.
Three chocolate bars.
Lori, you're spoiling that kid.
No, I'm not.
He knows if he does something wrong, there'll be consequences.
He just hasn't done anything wrong.
Hey, hey, whoa.
Hector.
What did we say about playing ball in the apartment?
Sit down when I get tired.
That's right.
I think somebody deserves a sucker for that.
Oh, hey, Art.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hi.
So how'd it go last night?
The kid's still alive or what?
Norm, you didn't tell me Artie was coming over.
I don't want Artie around, Hector.
Hey, I happen to be great with kids.
Yo, Hector, hey, look what I brought you.
Oh, well, now it's a Snickers wrapper.
But hey, look, you almost won a car.
I've got to go now, but I'll be back in time for dinner.
Now, I want you to call me immediately if you end up at a restaurant where the
waitresses
aren't wearing shirts.
And you're sure he's going to be all right?
Laura, he traveled 3,000 miles hanging out of landing gear.
He'll be fine.
Well, this is it.
It's a Wednesday.
We have the whole day off.
Is this great or what?
It's like when we dropped out of high school that time.
So what are we going to do with the kid?
Well, we're not going to do anything with the kid.
We're just going to let him watch TV, you know?
He'll be only a couple of hours.
Come on.
We can't just leave him here.
Look, the kid's got a TV.
He's got a fridge full of food.
He's got a working bathroom.
Hey, if he was still in Cuba, he'd be featured on that TV program,
Run Away with the Rich and Famous.
Hey, so long, kid, all right?
See you later, man.
Goodbye, guys.
Hope you have fun.
Oh, geez.
Look at him there with his eyes.
Yeah, it's the same look we used to give our dad
when he'd go out trolling for hookers, remember?
Yeah.
Hey, listen, Hector.
Hey, we already don't have to go out by ourselves.
Why don't you come with us, huh?
We can all go out together.
What do you want to do?
Anything you want to do?
Well, I would like to go to the circus
and maybe after that ride the go-karts.
And if you have a park,
I would like to go there
and shoot at the pigeons with a BB gun.
That's amazing.
That's exactly what we were going to do anyway.
So here, the show is called Gomer Pile.
In Cuba, it's called
America's Finest Soldier.
Hey, how was that hide-and-seek?
You guys just took a cab home.
Found you.
I better go talk to Artie.
But, hey, you'll love this next show.
I think in your country
it's known as I Love Ricky.
Hey, Artie, listen, man,
I'm sorry about that in there,
but, you know,
I'm having a good time with Hector
and he's having a good time with me, so...
I can't believe you guys
ditched me in Central Park.
You did the same thing when we were kids.
You'd always take off
and leave me way behind.
Yeah, well, I didn't call that ditching.
I call that running.
How are my guys?
Oh, hello, Artie.
So, Hector, you go get your coat.
I'm going to take you to F.A.O. Schwartz
and you can pick out one toy
at a time.
And I don't want any trouble from you
when I tell you it's time to leave
and go buy a puppy.
Oh, look, it's that damn tabloid again.
Well, what do they want?
World Examiner.
They're offering $40,000
if I sell an exclusive story
about my days with Hector.
Can you believe that?
$40,000?
Yeah, just to hear how it's all affecting
an eight-year-old boy.
Is that ghoulish or what?
$40,000?
All right, let's go.
I need you in bed by 8 o'clock tonight.
Or whatever you feel like.
It's really up to you.
All right, before we decide
whether or not to call the tabloid,
we have to make sure
it's the right thing to do, you know?
So let's think.
Is there any reason
that we should not phone that tabloid?
I got nothing.
I don't even understand the question.
Hey, Lori, you guys got a quite elaborate setup here.
You know, you don't have to work so hard
to get the kids to like you.
Well, maybe you don't, but I do
because they just don't like me very much.
Sure they do.
No, they don't.
They say I smell like medicine.
That's what you smell like.
Lori, are we going to start now?
Yeah, we're going to start now.
Come on, kids, let's go.
Come on, Hector.
You know all the boys
from the youth intervention program.
Okay, the game we're going to play today
is called Cyber Soak Laser Fight.
The thing you got to know about the gun is
you're going to want to pull this little thing here
called a trigger.
I think they get the idea.
So, everybody, run, go, hide.
We're going to start the game.
Yeah!
Danny?
Hey, Danny.
Turn around, Danny.
You have nothing to fear from me.
Yes, you did.
You're quite the warrior, sir.
I finally found something I'm good at.
I've got seven confirmed kills.
There's not a man here
who's a match for me.
I hate myself.
Lori.
Lori.
Lori, we need a referee.
One of the red team just pistol whipped.
One of the blue team.
We're not sure how to score it.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Hector.
What's the matter, man?
Why aren't you playing with the other kids?
I've been killed three times.
These boys are very good.
I mostly stink.
Oh, come on.
Don't be so hard on yourself there, buddy, you know?
Uh, listen.
You stowed away on a flight from Cuba.
You know, you're the coolest kid of all,
except for Mike.
He, uh, stole a car and drove it to Texas.
I'm just not good at sports and things.
Oh, hey, let me tell you something.
Some of the greatest players ever to perform sports
weren't good because of their talent.
They were good because of their determination.
I'll show you what I mean.
Hey, kids, come on over here.
I got a game for you guys.
Come on over.
Listen.
Everybody put your gun on the table.
All right, that's it.
Now, everybody put your hands in your pockets.
All right.
Hector, shoot them, Hector.
Shoot them, shoot them.
We have a winner.
Okay, everybody.
It's time for cake.
Thanks, Norm.
You bet.
I need to see you right here, right now.
Oh, no, I got to get cake.
Right there.
Did you really think that you could hide this from me?
Uh, uh, yeah, kind of.
I kind of did.
Well, you can.
Because you're really great with kids, and now everybody knows it.
Oh.
Well, the way I look at it, you know, the way to treat kids is to treat them
with respect.
I think of them as tiny adults who are stupid.
Hey, great news.
I got the examiner up to 50 grand.
They want us to fly down to Florida for a photo shoot at Disney World.
Disney World?
Oh.
Hey, Hector.
Come here, buddy.
Listen, uh, uh, you've been such a good kid that Artie and I are going to take
you to Disney World.
I have not been so good.
Ha, what are you talking about?
I don't want to lie anymore.
I'm not really an orphan.
I made up the whole story.
What?
My parents think I'm in baseball camp, but I ran away.
You ran away and no one knows you're missing?
No.
I'm not supposed to be home for three more days.
We're still okay.
No one's got to know the kid's parents are alive until after the story comes
out.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now, listen, Hector, just stick to your original story, you know?
Just say what you've been saying all along.
I'm confused, Norm.
My mother told me it hurts God's heart when you lie.
But you think it's okay for me to lie more?
Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, sure.
How was bowling?
It was fun, and Norm got a new pair of shoes.
Huh?
No.
You stole the shoes.
I didn't steal them.
I paid a buck and a half for these.
Well, I made supper, and it's somebody's favorite.
Oh, erotic birthday cake.
Excellent.
I made spaghetti.
Thank you, Lori.
Yes, sure.
And since we're going to sit down to dinner, why don't we have some dinner
conversation?
Oh, hey, that's a good idea.
You know, when I was a kid, we always had dinner conversation, you know?
We'd all take a turn going around the table and telling them how hard our day
was.
Then at the end, my dad would always pull off his leg, put it on the table, and
go, beat that!
Well, Norm's done.
Uh, so, Hector, are there any questions that you've wanted to ask anybody since
you've been in the country?
Well, there is one thing I've been wondering about.
Mm-hmm, what's that?
Where do babies come from?
Well, Hector, that's a very good question.
Um, when a man and a woman love each other, they...
You've got to be able to talk to kids in their own language there, Lori.
Uh, let me explain it to you this way, Hector.
Uh, you see, uh, a man has what's called a, uh, a bunny rabbit.
And, uh, a woman has a cabbage patch.
Now, in order to get, uh, a baby, the bunny rabbit has to hop into the cabbage
patch.
Now, sometimes, you know, through no fault of the bunny rabbit, maybe too much
to drink, stress, whatever, you know.
Who knows, you know, maybe, uh, maybe he's heard about a, a bigger bunny rabbit
that was in the cabbage patch earlier, whatever it is.
The point of it is this, oftentimes, the bunny rabbit has to look at explicit
photographs before he can even go near the cabbage patch.
Norm, Norm, I've had sex, and you've confused me.
Now, there, there is, uh, a book that we use to explain this kind of thing to
kids, and I think I have a copy in my bag.
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, Hector, actually, the book is pretty helpful, you know, but, uh, it's
easier to learn from life than it is a book, you know.
It's also easier to learn from videos than a book.
Well, I've been thinking about what you said about that magical land of Florida,
and how you can get there by lying.
And I thought, since we're lying, anyway, maybe I can say I have cancer.
What?
Those kids get everything.
We just shake my head, and now I won't have to wait on those long lines for the
rides.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, Hector, you're going the whole wrong direction.
All right.
This is it.
Oh.
What's this?
Oh, that's, uh, that's nothing.
That's, uh, lady candy.
Now, listen, Lori, uh, Hector has something to tell you.
Uh, Hector, tell Lori about your mother.
She's dead, and I have cancer.
What?
No, no, no, no, Hector, the truth.
My mother's alive in Cuba.
I just wanted to see America.
I did not think it would be so bad to lie.
Hector, why would you do something like that?
Oh, come on, now.
We just needed a little vacation, you know, from the, uh, than the godless
communists.
You know, it's not...
Well, I'm going to have to call Mr. Denby right away, and we have got to get
you home.
Norm, why did you do this?
Uh, listen, Hector, you know, uh, what I told you about lying wasn't right.
Kids should never lie, you know.
You've got to wait until you're an adult, so you can do it responsibly.
This is all very confusing.
Yeah.
Well, there's a lot of confusing things in this life, Hector.
You know, a lot of questions, like, uh, like what happens if the cabbage
patches your cousin, you know?
Oh, Hector, that's a beautiful picture of a dog you've drawn.
Thank you.
Mine's much better.
He's drawing outside the line.
Yes, I'm sure yours is very good, too, Norm.
What is it, some sort of a pack mule?
Oh, no, that's you.
Hi.
Oh, hi.
I'm from the INS.
I'm here for Hector Martinez.
Oh, you're early.
Well, um, could you give us just one second, please?
Sure.
Hector, sweetie, it's almost time for you to go now.
I just wanted to show you.
I picked up something on my way to give you to remind you of me, and, uh, I put
some candy in there for you.
Oh.
You know, Lori, I would still like you, even if you didn't give me so much
stuff.
Oh, Hector.
You know, when you're older, there are going to be women who give too much.
Treat them well.
Don't excuse yourself from the table and go to a payphone and page yourself and
pretend that you have to leave.
Hey, uh, listen, Hector, uh, I want you to have this, uh, three-horned dinosaur
from my desk.
You don't want to give a sub, do you?
No, I don't.
Anyways, listen, uh, Hector, uh, I-I-I'm gonna come, and I'm gonna visit you in
Cuba one day, all right?
So you-you look for me, buddy.
You're on the big island, aren't you?
Sure, bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Hector.
Be safe now, okay?
Bye.
Oh, Norm, I-I think I can understand why parents say that raising a kid is just
so fulfilling,
because all the joys outweigh all of the difficulties.
Yeah.
Yeah, but, uh, you know, that's because we had a-a skinny child.
Imagine if we'd had a big, fat one, we wouldn't have liked him.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm serious.
You're really good with kids.
Oh, you are, too, Laurie, you are, too.
I don't know if you've ever thought of this, you know?
Well, you'd be a great mother.
Oh, I don't know.
I know, it's true.
But you better hurry up, you know, before your uterus puts out the old, gone
fishing sign.
Package for you, Norm.
Oh, hello, girl's gone wild video.
No, look, it's from Hector.
Oh, really?
How cool.
Uh, dear Norm, I took something of yours, but since you taught me to be honest,
I wanted
to return it.
Oh.
Love, Hector.
You should be proud, Norm.
You've helped Hector become a better person.
Oh, that's great.
I was wondering why he was under that couch for so long.
I was wondering why he was under that couch for so long.
I was wondering why he was under that couch for so long.
I was wondering why he was under that couch for so long.
I was wondering why he was under that couch for so long.
I was wondering why he was under that couch for so long.
I'm wondering why he was under that couch for so long.
I was wondering why he was under that couch for so long.

Episode 51   Norm vs Cuba 2001 03 16

Hey, Norm.
Oh, hey, Jen.
Hey, I brought your illegal cable box for you.
Since I'll be going away, you can go ahead and watch your porn.
Sweet.
So, Jenny, where are you going?
I'm going to Philadelphia for a veterinary conference.
I'm going to learn how to give dogs CPR.
Hey, Jenny, I remember, every time you have your mouth in one of those sexy Rottweilers,
that'd be thinking of me.
I'm going to miss you so much.
Oh, I'm going to miss you more.
No, I'm going to miss you more.
You're probably right.
You're probably right.
Hey, Judy, we have to close these doors, and if any reporters come by, don't
let them in.
Who's that kid?
Oh, my God, that's the Cuban orphan who stowed away in the wheel well of an
airplane.
I just saw him on the news.
Hey, everyone, this is Hector Martinez, and like that Elion boy, unfortunately,
he's in the middle of a very sensitive political situation.
So I'm going to need somebody to take charge of him until our government
decides what they
want to do next.
Well, I think I'm the most qualified, sir, considering my Hispanic heritage,
you know,
Denny Sanchez.
Oh.
I forgot.
Denny, could you ask him, please, if there's anything we can get for him?
Is there anything we can get for you?
I could have done that.
I thought it was odd that you didn't.
Well, if you don't speak Spanish, then the boy's going to Lori.
Lori's our senior social worker here.
Yeah, but I'm not sure that I'm the right person.
Oh, of course you are, Lori.
Listen, because of the media circus that's probably going to surround the kid,
I think it would
probably be best for little Hector if you took him home with you.
Oh, see, the thing is, sir, I'm really good with kids around the office, but my
place isn't
really set up for kids.
Well, just put away your sex toys and kick out whatever roadie's currently shacking
up
with you and get ready to be mommy.
Well, I just have so much work on my desk.
It's all right.
We'll get somebody to do it for you.
The boy's a priority.
Whoever's taking care of him is not even going to have to come into work.
Oh, hey, Lori, can I have a word with you?
Listen, I know you're going to take care of the boy there, and I think you
should have
like a man's influence, you know, to teach him how to throw a curveball, how to
wrestle,
you know, how to, you know, unhook a bra with a broken thumb.
You're just trying to get off work, aren't you?
But since I do need help understanding an eight-year-old mind, why don't I go
to a man
who owns one?
Excellent.
Let's get out of here.
Well, let me just see if he's hungry or something.
Hector, do you speak English?
Yes, but I speak it much faster than you.
Well, Lori, you've exposed your prejudice.
Just because he's foreign, you take him for uneducated.
I make no such presumptions.
Hector, it is nice to meet you, sir.
And just so I don't embarrass myself, what is the Mexican word for Cuba,
exactly?
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
I'll get it, wiener dog.
God forbid you should get up.
Hello.
Hey, hey there, Hector.
Hey, hey, got your nose.
Don't be alarmed.
It's just my thumb.
Got your nose.
Isn't he funny, Hector?
Why don't you go sit on the couch right there?
Because I want to talk to Norm, just for a second.
Hey, how's it going with Hector?
It's really amazing.
You know, I was all worried about having him,
but it turns out I'm really good with kids.
Lori, can I have another chocolate bar?
Uh, did you finish both the ones I gave you in the car?
Yes.
All right, then.
There you go.
Three chocolate bars.
Lori, you're spoiling that kid.
No, I'm not.
He knows if he does something wrong, there'll be consequences.
He just hasn't done anything wrong.
Hey, hey, whoa.
Hector.
What did we say about playing ball in the apartment?
Sit down when I get tired.
That's right.
I think somebody deserves a sucker for that.
Oh, hey, Art.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hi.
So how'd it go last night?
The kid's still alive or what?
Norm, you didn't tell me Artie was coming over.
I don't want Artie around, Hector.
Hey, I happen to be great with kids.
Yo, Hector, hey, look what I brought you.
Oh, well, now it's a Snickers wrapper.
But hey, look, you almost won a car.
I've got to go now, but I'll be back in time for dinner.
Now, I want you to call me immediately if you end up at a restaurant where the
waitresses
aren't wearing shirts.
And you're sure he's going to be all right?
Laura, he traveled 3,000 miles hanging out of landing gear.
He'll be fine.
Well, this is it.
It's a Wednesday.
We have the whole day off.
Is this great or what?
It's like when we dropped out of high school that time.
So what are we going to do with the kid?
Well, we're not going to do anything with the kid.
We're just going to let him watch TV, you know?
He'll be only a couple of hours.
Come on.
We can't just leave him here.
Look, the kid's got a TV.
He's got a fridge full of food.
He's got a working bathroom.
Hey, if he was still in Cuba, he'd be featured on that TV program,
Run Away with the Rich and Famous.
Hey, so long, kid, all right?
See you later, man.
Goodbye, guys.
Hope you have fun.
Oh, geez.
Look at him there with his eyes.
Yeah, it's the same look we used to give our dad
when he'd go out trolling for hookers, remember?
Yeah.
Hey, listen, Hector.
Hey, we already don't have to go out by ourselves.
Why don't you come with us, huh?
We can all go out together.
What do you want to do?
Anything you want to do?
Well, I would like to go to the circus
and maybe after that ride the go-karts.
And if you have a park,
I would like to go there
and shoot at the pigeons with a BB gun.
That's amazing.
That's exactly what we were going to do anyway.
So here, the show is called Gomer Pile.
In Cuba, it's called
America's Finest Soldier.
Hey, how was that hide-and-seek?
You guys just took a cab home.
Found you.
I better go talk to Artie.
But, hey, you'll love this next show.
I think in your country
it's known as I Love Ricky.
Hey, Artie, listen, man,
I'm sorry about that in there,
but, you know,
I'm having a good time with Hector
and he's having a good time with me, so...
I can't believe you guys
ditched me in Central Park.
You did the same thing when we were kids.
You'd always take off
and leave me way behind.
Yeah, well, I didn't call that ditching.
I call that running.
How are my guys?
Oh, hello, Artie.
So, Hector, you go get your coat.
I'm going to take you to F.A.O. Schwartz
and you can pick out one toy
at a time.
And I don't want any trouble from you
when I tell you it's time to leave
and go buy a puppy.
Oh, look, it's that damn tabloid again.
Well, what do they want?
World Examiner.
They're offering $40,000
if I sell an exclusive story
about my days with Hector.
Can you believe that?
$40,000?
Yeah, just to hear how it's all affecting
an eight-year-old boy.
Is that ghoulish or what?
$40,000?
All right, let's go.
I need you in bed by 8 o'clock tonight.
Or whatever you feel like.
It's really up to you.
All right, before we decide
whether or not to call the tabloid,
we have to make sure
it's the right thing to do, you know?
So let's think.
Is there any reason
that we should not phone that tabloid?
I got nothing.
I don't even understand the question.
Hey, Lori, you guys got a quite elaborate setup here.
You know, you don't have to work so hard
to get the kids to like you.
Well, maybe you don't, but I do
because they just don't like me very much.
Sure they do.
No, they don't.
They say I smell like medicine.
That's what you smell like.
Lori, are we going to start now?
Yeah, we're going to start now.
Come on, kids, let's go.
Come on, Hector.
You know all the boys
from the youth intervention program.
Okay, the game we're going to play today
is called Cyber Soak Laser Fight.
The thing you got to know about the gun is
you're going to want to pull this little thing here
called a trigger.
I think they get the idea.
So, everybody, run, go, hide.
We're going to start the game.
Yeah!
Danny?
Hey, Danny.
Turn around, Danny.
You have nothing to fear from me.
Yes, you did.
You're quite the warrior, sir.
I finally found something I'm good at.
I've got seven confirmed kills.
There's not a man here
who's a match for me.
I hate myself.
Lori.
Lori.
Lori, we need a referee.
One of the red team just pistol whipped.
One of the blue team.
We're not sure how to score it.
Okay.
Oh, hey, Hector.
What's the matter, man?
Why aren't you playing with the other kids?
I've been killed three times.
These boys are very good.
I mostly stink.
Oh, come on.
Don't be so hard on yourself there, buddy, you know?
Uh, listen.
You stowed away on a flight from Cuba.
You know, you're the coolest kid of all,
except for Mike.
He, uh, stole a car and drove it to Texas.
I'm just not good at sports and things.
Oh, hey, let me tell you something.
Some of the greatest players ever to perform sports
weren't good because of their talent.
They were good because of their determination.
I'll show you what I mean.
Hey, kids, come on over here.
I got a game for you guys.
Come on over.
Listen.
Everybody put your gun on the table.
All right, that's it.
Now, everybody put your hands in your pockets.
All right.
Hector, shoot them, Hector.
Shoot them, shoot them.
We have a winner.
Okay, everybody.
It's time for cake.
Thanks, Norm.
You bet.
I need to see you right here, right now.
Oh, no, I got to get cake.
Right there.
Did you really think that you could hide this from me?
Uh, uh, yeah, kind of.
I kind of did.
Well, you can.
Because you're really great with kids, and now everybody knows it.
Oh.
Well, the way I look at it, you know, the way to treat kids is to treat them
with respect.
I think of them as tiny adults who are stupid.
Hey, great news.
I got the examiner up to 50 grand.
They want us to fly down to Florida for a photo shoot at Disney World.
Disney World?
Oh.
Hey, Hector.
Come here, buddy.
Listen, uh, uh, you've been such a good kid that Artie and I are going to take
you to Disney World.
I have not been so good.
Ha, what are you talking about?
I don't want to lie anymore.
I'm not really an orphan.
I made up the whole story.
What?
My parents think I'm in baseball camp, but I ran away.
You ran away and no one knows you're missing?
No.
I'm not supposed to be home for three more days.
We're still okay.
No one's got to know the kid's parents are alive until after the story comes
out.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now, listen, Hector, just stick to your original story, you know?
Just say what you've been saying all along.
I'm confused, Norm.
My mother told me it hurts God's heart when you lie.
But you think it's okay for me to lie more?
Yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, sure.
How was bowling?
It was fun, and Norm got a new pair of shoes.
Huh?
No.
You stole the shoes.
I didn't steal them.
I paid a buck and a half for these.
Well, I made supper, and it's somebody's favorite.
Oh, erotic birthday cake.
Excellent.
I made spaghetti.
Thank you, Lori.
Yes, sure.
And since we're going to sit down to dinner, why don't we have some dinner
conversation?
Oh, hey, that's a good idea.
You know, when I was a kid, we always had dinner conversation, you know?
We'd all take a turn going around the table and telling them how hard our day
was.
Then at the end, my dad would always pull off his leg, put it on the table, and
go, beat that!
Well, Norm's done.
Uh, so, Hector, are there any questions that you've wanted to ask anybody since
you've been in the country?
Well, there is one thing I've been wondering about.
Mm-hmm, what's that?
Where do babies come from?
Well, Hector, that's a very good question.
Um, when a man and a woman love each other, they...
You've got to be able to talk to kids in their own language there, Lori.
Uh, let me explain it to you this way, Hector.
Uh, you see, uh, a man has what's called a, uh, a bunny rabbit.
And, uh, a woman has a cabbage patch.
