Name: Episode 54 Norm vs Shelley's Old Flame 2001 04 06
Uploaded: 2022-06-30T05:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 54 Norm vs Shelley's Old Flame 2001 04 06' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-30. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 54 Norm vs Shelley's Old Flame 2001 04 06' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-30. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

- Hey, Norm. - Oh, hi, Shell.
So, what'd you want to talk to me about?
Well, uh, listen, I know I've been asking you out
for a long time now, and sometimes it drives you crazy,
but I was wondering if you were free on Wednesday night,
uh, if maybe we could have dinner.
Yes.
See, that's the kind of crap that's what?
Yes? What do you mean, yes?
I'd love to go.
Well, now, this isn't out of pity, is it?
'Cause if it's out of pity, that's all right, too.
No, no, no, I've been thinking about it a lot,
and I've realized, well, I still have feelings for you.
Besides, I think you've changed.
You've stopped bombarding me with all those crazy stunts
to try to get me to go out with you.
Shelly, it's me, God.
Norm cannot hear me now, but he is the one for you.
What was that?
What? What was what?
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Listen, I was just down at Chufa's, and Artie's gonna add music every Wednesday
night down there,
and so I thought you and I could play together because you play guitar, right?
Oh, why do you assume that?
Because I'm Mexican, I automatically play one of those big fat guitars that you
see at the Mexican restaurant while you eat your guacamole.
I don't know, sorry, I just, you know, I thought you played guitar.
I do, I'm just a little prickly today.
So, music at Chufa's, great idea.
Yeah, and see, I play the flute, so I thought that we could play together.
Oh, okay.
Are you guys talking about having a jam session because you should count me in?
You know, I, I've been known to tinkle on the ivories.
I bet, I think it's tickle.
No.
No, no, it's not, it's tinkle, tinkle on the ivories.
I don't know, but, you know, you can, he can play along with us, why not?
Oh, did you say Wednesday? Oh, I forgot, I, uh, I, I don't play guitar.
All right, well, it looks like it's, it's just you and me then, sir, so, um, we're
not gonna have time to practice.
Uh-huh.
So, I'm gonna put some sheet music in your box, and then you can just rehearse
at home, uh, tonight.
Don't worry, I'm gonna tinkle the second I get home.
Hey, uh, Danny, uh, Lori, you know how you guys are always razzin' me about not
being romantic enough?
Well, wait 'til you hear what I have planned for my date with Shelly.
What is it?
Uh-huh, I'm not gonna tell you, you have to guess.
It's, uh, Carriage Ride in the Park.
Carriage Ride in the Perk.
No, that's not it.
Um, dinner out windows on the world.
Yes, yes, that's, that's close, too.
Oh, you don't have any ideas, you're writing down our ideas.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I was, uh, I had one idea, but it wasn't very good.
What's your idea?
Yeah, it's just kind of a picture I drew of me and Shelly having sex.
Hey, guys, I'd like you to meet Travis Leary. He's a friend of mine from when I
lived in Colorado.
Nice to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you.
Listen, Norm, I know we had plans, but Travis is only in town for a couple of
days, and I'd love to show him the city. I'm really sorry.
Well, this is my first time in New York, and you know, people are so friendly
here.
Yeah, whatever, whatever. Come here.
Now, listen, Shelly, I mean, this is ridiculous. I mean, we just started going
out together, and you bring in an old boyfriend?
No, no, he was never a boyfriend. He was just a friend, and I didn't bring him
in. He just showed up.
Norm, now, you know, I know you have a problem with jealousy, so please don't
embarrass me like that time when you beat up the ice cream store worker.
Hey, that guy gave you two scoops for the price of one. That is crap.
Norm.
All right, fine.
Hey, listen, Travis, I'm sorry if I was rude earlier. Yeah, welcome to New York.
Well, thank you very much, Norm. As I was saying, you know, people are just so
polite. I came out of my hotel this morning and--
Yeah, that's been known to happen. Bye.
Thank you, Norm. Come on, Travis.
You know, I've been to New York before, but it was in Vegas.
So, what are we watching tonight?
We're watching What Women Want.
What Women Want? I didn't know that was on tape yet.
No, it's not. It's bootleg. I got it off the street.
What's wrong with the screen's blank?
Yeah, stupid bootleg tape, you know? I'll tell you something, man. The bootleg
company better be careful.
Because the name bootleg is becoming synonymous with shabby quality.
Hey, man, we can get it out. Remember what Dad taught us about jammed up
electrical devices? They gotta be plugged in, and you've gotta use a metal fork.
Norm, don't you think that's a bad idea?
Are you all right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Oh, my God. I was really worried about you.
What a moron.
What?
I said I was really worried about you.
And I used to think Artie was the dumb brother.
Artie is standing right over there.
I didn't say anything.
Man, listen. You gotta be more careful.
That was cool.
Oh, my God. I can hear their thoughts.
Oh, my God. I can hear my own thoughts.
Oh, wait. I could always do that.
Okay, we're up.
Now, stick to the music.
If you forget what you're doing, you just play softly, and I'll carry the both
of us.
Good evening. I'm Lori Freeman.
This is Max Denby, and we are about to make love to your ears.
This is so weird. I can't read women's minds, but I can hear what all men are
thinking.
Why can't I have a satisfying relationship with a woman?
I wonder if I'm gay.
Damn. Somebody took my Phillips head screwdriver again.
I wonder if I'm gay.
I can't believe I had sex with a man again.
I wonder if I'm gay.
Hey, listen, Danny. Something weird's happened.
I think when I got shocked last night, it made my brain change.
I can hear what men think.
Listen. Just think of something.
Okay.
It's kind of a confusing image there.
It's either Heidi Klum or Jesus.
It's both.
Oh, my God.
You really can't read minds.
Yeah, ever since that accident, I can hear what men think.
Oh, this is excellent. We can use this to get women what men think.
Yeah, unfortunately, I can't hear what women think.
But, hey, if I could hear what women think...
But I can't.
Mr. Denby, we rocked last night.
Yeah, and in celebration, let's all rush out and get flute lessons.
Excuse me. I'm Margaret Barrow.
I saw you two last night at Chuffa's, and I thought you were fabulous.
Are you actually saying you thought we were good?
Why are you yelling in my ear?
I assumed you were deaf.
Listen, I'm having a party at my home tomorrow night, and I would love it if
you two could entertain.
Oh, we would love to!
No, no, no, no.
The thing is, I'm not sure I can show because I've got an appointment tomorrow
to have my hands crushed and oppressed.
It pays $500 a piece.
$500? I could get my vasectomy reversed.
The party is at 8 o'clock sharp.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, Lori.
Hi.
Hey, Norm. You want to come to lunch? Travis is treating.
Oh, yeah. I would like to go to lunch, but I don't think I need Travis to treat.
I think I can pay my own way without Travis.
We're going to the Russian Tea Room.
Oh, thank you, Travis.
Hey, Norm. You know, if it's gonna make you jealous, maybe you shouldn't come.
Hey, Norm. You know, if my showing up has messed up your plans with, uh, Shelly,
I'm really sorry. You seem like a nice guy. I hope we can be friends.
Hey, maybe I am just being jealous. Maybe we can be friends.
I'll get this guy's guard down and then I'll steal Shelly away.
You bastard!
Excuse me?
Uh, uh, I mean, uh, you magnificent bastard. I'd like to have lunch with you.
Hey, how was lunch?
Ah, not too good. Shelly's still downstairs saying goodbye to Travis.
Oh, what's the matter?
Well, before we went to lunch, I heard Travis thinking that he wanted to steal
Shelly.
Oh, my God. Did you hear how he's gonna do it?
No, that's what I wanted to do at lunch.
But he spent the entire two hours trying to remember the words to "if I were a
rich man."
So, Norm, what did you think of Travis?
I think he's trying to steal you away.
Why would he think that?
I'll tell you why. 'Cause I have--
Norm! Norm!
You can't tell her about the mind reading. She'll think you're crazy.
You're right. Good thinking.
You have any other suggestions on what I can do?
You realize I can't hear what you're thinking, right?
Uh, no. I-- I just have a feeling.
You know, Norm, if you keep getting all jealous, it's gonna be really hard for
us to get together.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It's probably just my imagination.
Okay. I'll see you later.
All right.
So, what are you gonna do?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna invite this guy over to Chuffet, see?
And I'm gonna start talking to him, ask him about his plan.
And he'll start thinking about his plan. He won't be able to help him.
And then I'll take every detail of his plan, I'll run back to Shelly, and I'll
unmask him for what he is.
A scoundrel, a never-do-well.
A street lingo.
All right, all right. I'll eat a mint.
This is what I like to call my little green room.
Yeah.
So, if you'll just wait here with the rest of the talent, we'll call you in
shortly.
All right. It's very exciting. This is our first professional gig.
I've always dreamed of playing my flute in front of a large crowd of people.
And your dreams are the people of ears.
Oh, wow. Man, your act is amazing.
Oh, this isn't my act. I just do this to relax before I go on.
Professionally, I'm a harmonica player.
Hey.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I have to practice my act.
Okay.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, my God.
They've got us performing alongside the lamest acts in the world.
We're just here so those bored rich people can laugh at us.
But why would Mrs. Barrow include us in this?
It's because she's a horrible, horrible woman.
You're absolutely right.
Who knows when a flute sounds like crap.
That's not true.
All the boys in high school said I played the flute good,
and then I'd take off my shirt and...
You better get out of here.
No.
Absolutely not.
The people that are giving this party are cruel and vicious,
and they ought to be punished.
Why don't you play some flute for them?
That'll teach them.
Can I have...
Can I have everybody's attention just for one second, please?
Everybody, you...
The only reason that all of us are here
is so that they can laugh at us.
No.
Yes, it's true.
But you know what?
We don't have to take that.
We don't have to put up with that.
There's something that we can do.
We're gonna let them know
that they cannot buy our dignity for $500.
Right.
Yeah.
Can everybody come in now?
Now, you hold on just one minute,
because I know what's going on here.
You're not gonna get away with it,
inviting all of these poor souls back to your place
so you can humiliate us.
You're right.
I feel terrible.
I'll give you each a thousand.
Come on, Lori.
I'm not funny without you.
Hey, Norm.
Thanks for inviting me down here.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No problem.
All day long, I bitty-bitty-bitty-bitty-bitty.
Okay, now listen.
Shelly and I are starting a date,
and I wanted to ask your advice about it.
If a guy were planning to steal Shelly away,
what would be all the details of his plan?
Ugh.
I can't help you there, Norm.
With this guy as the competition,
all I gotta do is wait around
for him to do something stupid.
That's your plan?
To wait around until I do something stupid?
That's a plan?
Actually, that's not a bad plan.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Look, I can read your mind, all right?
I know what you're thinking.
What?
This could be some sort of trick.
If you're reading my mind,
say something in French.
I can't speak French.
Ah-ha!
Oh.
You better stop trying to steal Shelly away from me.
Okay, I promise.
I'm lying.
You're lying.
No, I'm not.
Yes, I am.
Yes, you are.
Okay, okay, I'll stop.
All right, you better stop,
'cause I have other powers, too.
I can make men impotent just by looking at them.
Okay, all right, you win.
I'll go back to Colorado.
Well, I think I finally got rid of Travis.
Hey, good for you, man.
Listen, the bar VCR's got a tape stuck in it.
You think you can get it out?
Well, that's my specialty.
Well, if I've learned anything from my experience,
it's not to stick a fork into a VCR that's plugged in.
Give me a knife, would you?
Thank you.
Now.
I should have known that was gonna happen, I suppose.
Are you all right, bro?
Yeah, but I think I lost my ability to read people's minds.
Artie, quick, think something.
Are you thinking something?
I need more time!
Well, Wiener Dogg, I was right and you were wrong.
Travis really was after Shelly,
and that's the last time I'll ask you for relationship advice.
What?
Ah, who am I kidding, Wiener Dogg?
I'll probably ask you again, you know.
Well, well, Shelly, come on in.
Okay, Norm, so you were right about Travis.
He told me what his intentions were
right before he left town this afternoon.
Well, I'm glad you finally realized I'm right.
I have something to show you here, Shelly.
I cooked us up a couple of porterhouse steaks
because I thought it only fitting, Shelly,
that you should eat cow tonight.
Norm, it's eat crow.
Is it? Is it really?
You're right, Wiener Dogg.
All right, you're right.
You know, Norm, you might have been right about Travis,
but it really doesn't matter because nothing was going to happen.
Oh, yeah? Maybe yes, maybe no, huh?
Are you saying that I would have let something happen with Travis?
I don't know.
Oh, my God.
This has nothing to do with Travis.
You're saying you don't trust me.
No, I think I very skillfully avoided saying that.
Now, Shelly, what do you say to a toast, huh?
To us.
Why don't you trust me?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe that's something to do with the fact that
we were going to move in together
and then you moved to Colorado
and then you came back
and then you ran hot and cold on me all last year
and then you went out with Danny
when you knew he was my best friend
and that I was in love with you.
Okay.
I think I know what this is about.
Travis told you we lived together, didn't he?
No, he what?
Look, Norm, I didn't want to tell you
because he doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
I can't believe you lied to me.
Although, looking back at your resume,
I don't find it that surprising, I guess.
It happened a long time ago
while we were still broken up.
And I knew you'd get jealous
and I didn't want to ruin what you and I have.
Yeah, well, that's true.
You wouldn't want to ruin this.
Okay, look, Norm, I screwed up.
I should have trusted that you could handle the truth.
And I'm sorry.
I'm...
I'm really, really sorry.
Forgive me.
Uh, I gotta think about this.
Yeah, okay.
So, um, maybe I...
Maybe I shouldn't stay tonight.
Maybe I should just go.
Yeah, maybe you should, Gina.
Okay.
You know, Norm, I know you're upset with me right now,
but, um...
I'm gonna get you to trust me again.
I promise.
A wiener, dog.
Yeah.
There's a first for you.
That's the first time I've ever turned down sex from a woman.
"Border of Norm's Gay."
So, Norm doesn't want to date you anymore?
No.
Apparently, I'm an untrustworthy skank.
But that's Norm's type.
Well, I do want to go out with him,
but it's not like I'm gonna chase him or anything.
Hey, Norm.
Got you tickets to the Knicks game.
Want to come?
Get the rest of it?
Yeah.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Hey, Norm.
Got you tickets to the Knicks game.
Want to come?
Get the row.
Shelly, my mother warned me about girls like you.
She said that you want one thing,
and you'll do anything to get it.
She also said, she said,
"Don't fall for any old whore like your daddy did."
My God, that woman loved her tequila.

Episode 54   Norm vs Shelley's Old Flame 2001 04 06

- Hey, Norm. - Oh, hi, Shell.
So, what'd you want to talk to me about?
Well, uh, listen, I know I've been asking you out
for a long time now, and sometimes it drives you crazy,
but I was wondering if you were free on Wednesday night,
uh, if maybe we could have dinner.
Yes.
See, that's the kind of crap that's what?
Yes? What do you mean, yes?
I'd love to go.
Well, now, this isn't out of pity, is it?
'Cause if it's out of pity, that's all right, too.
No, no, no, I've been thinking about it a lot,
and I've realized, well, I still have feelings for you.
Besides, I think you've changed.
You've stopped bombarding me with all those crazy stunts
to try to get me to go out with you.
Shelly, it's me, God.
Norm cannot hear me now, but he is the one for you.
What was that?
What? What was what?
Too bad that you're not as smart as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad that you had to get caught.
That's not like you to lose face.
So sad that you're not as smart as you thought you were
in the first place.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad, too bad.
Listen, I was just down at Chufa's, and Artie's gonna add music every Wednesday
night down there,
and so I thought you and I could play together because you play guitar, right?
Oh, why do you assume that?
Because I'm Mexican, I automatically play one of those big fat guitars that you
see at the Mexican restaurant while you eat your guacamole.
I don't know, sorry, I just, you know, I thought you played guitar.
I do, I'm just a little prickly today.
So, music at Chufa's, great idea.
Yeah, and see, I play the flute, so I thought that we could play together.
Oh, okay.
Are you guys talking about having a jam session because you should count me in?
You know, I, I've been known to tinkle on the ivories.
I bet, I think it's tickle.
No.
No, no, it's not, it's tinkle, tinkle on the ivories.
I don't know, but, you know, you can, he can play along with us, why not?
Oh, did you say Wednesday? Oh, I forgot, I, uh, I, I don't play guitar.
All right, well, it looks like it's, it's just you and me then, sir, so, um, we're
not gonna have time to practice.
Uh-huh.
So, I'm gonna put some sheet music in your box, and then you can just rehearse
at home, uh, tonight.
Don't worry, I'm gonna tinkle the second I get home.
Hey, uh, Danny, uh, Lori, you know how you guys are always razzin' me about not
being romantic enough?
Well, wait 'til you hear what I have planned for my date with Shelly.
What is it?
Uh-huh, I'm not gonna tell you, you have to guess.
It's, uh, Carriage Ride in the Park.
Carriage Ride in the Perk.
No, that's not it.
Um, dinner out windows on the world.
Yes, yes, that's, that's close, too.
Oh, you don't have any ideas, you're writing down our ideas.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I was, uh, I had one idea, but it wasn't very good.
What's your idea?
Yeah, it's just kind of a picture I drew of me and Shelly having sex.
Hey, guys, I'd like you to meet Travis Leary. He's a friend of mine from when I
lived in Colorado.
Nice to meet you. Hello, nice to meet you.
Listen, Norm, I know we had plans, but Travis is only in town for a couple of
days, and I'd love to show him the city. I'm really sorry.
Well, this is my first time in New York, and you know, people are so friendly
here.
Yeah, whatever, whatever. Come here.
Now, listen, Shelly, I mean, this is ridiculous. I mean, we just started going
out together, and you bring in an old boyfriend?
No, no, he was never a boyfriend. He was just a friend, and I didn't bring him
in. He just showed up.
Norm, now, you know, I know you have a problem with jealousy, so please don't
embarrass me like that time when you beat up the ice cream store worker.
Hey, that guy gave you two scoops for the price of one. That is crap.
Norm.
All right, fine.
Hey, listen, Travis, I'm sorry if I was rude earlier. Yeah, welcome to New York.
Well, thank you very much, Norm. As I was saying, you know, people are just so
polite. I came out of my hotel this morning and--
Yeah, that's been known to happen. Bye.
Thank you, Norm. Come on, Travis.
You know, I've been to New York before, but it was in Vegas.
So, what are we watching tonight?
We're watching What Women Want.
What Women Want? I didn't know that was on tape yet.
No, it's not. It's bootleg. I got it off the street.
What's wrong with the screen's blank?
Yeah, stupid bootleg tape, you know? I'll tell you something, man. The bootleg
company better be careful.
Because the name bootleg is becoming synonymous with shabby quality.
Hey, man, we can get it out. Remember what Dad taught us about jammed up
electrical devices? They gotta be plugged in, and you've gotta use a metal fork.
Norm, don't you think that's a bad idea?
Are you all right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Oh, my God. I was really worried about you.
What a moron.
What?
I said I was really worried about you.
And I used to think Artie was the dumb brother.
Artie is standing right over there.
I didn't say anything.
Man, listen. You gotta be more careful.
That was cool.
Oh, my God. I can hear their thoughts.
Oh, my God. I can hear my own thoughts.
Oh, wait. I could always do that.
Okay, we're up.
Now, stick to the music.
If you forget what you're doing, you just play softly, and I'll carry the both
of us.
Good evening. I'm Lori Freeman.
This is Max Denby, and we are about to make love to your ears.
This is so weird. I can't read women's minds, but I can hear what all men are
thinking.
Why can't I have a satisfying relationship with a woman?
I wonder if I'm gay.
Damn. Somebody took my Phillips head screwdriver again.
I wonder if I'm gay.
I can't believe I had sex with a man again.
I wonder if I'm gay.
Hey, listen, Danny. Something weird's happened.
I think when I got shocked last night, it made my brain change.
I can hear what men think.
Listen. Just think of something.
Okay.
It's kind of a confusing image there.
It's either Heidi Klum or Jesus.
It's both.
Oh, my God.
You really can't read minds.
Yeah, ever since that accident, I can hear what men think.
Oh, this is excellent. We can use this to get women what men think.
Yeah, unfortunately, I can't hear what women think.
But, hey, if I could hear what women think...
But I can't.
Mr. Denby, we rocked last night.
Yeah, and in celebration, let's all rush out and get flute lessons.
Excuse me. I'm Margaret Barrow.
I saw you two last night at Chuffa's, and I thought you were fabulous.
Are you actually saying you thought we were good?
Why are you yelling in my ear?
I assumed you were deaf.
Listen, I'm having a party at my home tomorrow night, and I would love it if
you two could entertain.
Oh, we would love to!
No, no, no, no.
The thing is, I'm not sure I can show because I've got an appointment tomorrow
to have my hands crushed and oppressed.
It pays $500 a piece.
$500? I could get my vasectomy reversed.
The party is at 8 o'clock sharp.
Okay.
All right.
Hey, Lori.
Hi.
Hey, Norm. You want to come to lunch? Travis is treating.
Oh, yeah. I would like to go to lunch, but I don't think I need Travis to treat.
I think I can pay my own way without Travis.
We're going to the Russian Tea Room.
Oh, thank you, Travis.
Hey, Norm. You know, if it's gonna make you jealous, maybe you shouldn't come.
Hey, Norm. You know, if my showing up has messed up your plans with, uh, Shelly,
I'm really sorry. You seem like a nice guy. I hope we can be friends.
Hey, maybe I am just being jealous. Maybe we can be friends.
I'll get this guy's guard down and then I'll steal Shelly away.
You bastard!
Excuse me?
Uh, uh, I mean, uh, you magnificent bastard. I'd like to have lunch with you.
Hey, how was lunch?
Ah, not too good. Shelly's still downstairs saying goodbye to Travis.
Oh, what's the matter?
Well, before we went to lunch, I heard Travis thinking that he wanted to steal
Shelly.
Oh, my God. Did you hear how he's gonna do it?
No, that's what I wanted to do at lunch.
But he spent the entire two hours trying to remember the words to "if I were a
rich man."
So, Norm, what did you think of Travis?
I think he's trying to steal you away.
Why would he think that?
I'll tell you why. 'Cause I have--
Norm! Norm!
You can't tell her about the mind reading. She'll think you're crazy.
You're right. Good thinking.
You have any other suggestions on what I can do?
You realize I can't hear what you're thinking, right?
Uh, no. I-- I just have a feeling.
You know, Norm, if you keep getting all jealous, it's gonna be really hard for
us to get together.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It's probably just my imagination.
Okay. I'll see you later.
All right.
So, what are you gonna do?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna invite this guy over to Chuffet, see?
And I'm gonna start talking to him, ask him about his plan.
And he'll start thinking about his plan. He won't be able to help him.
And then I'll take every detail of his plan, I'll run back to Shelly, and I'll
unmask him for what he is.
A scoundrel, a never-do-well.
A street lingo.
All right, all right. I'll eat a mint.
This is what I like to call my little green room.
Yeah.
So, if you'll just wait here with the rest of the talent, we'll call you in
shortly.
All right. It's very exciting. This is our first professional gig.
I've always dreamed of playing my flute in front of a large crowd of people.
And your dreams are the people of ears.
Oh, wow. Man, your act is amazing.
Oh, this isn't my act. I just do this to relax before I go on.
Professionally, I'm a harmonica player.
Hey.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I have to practice my act.
Okay.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, that ain't half bad.
Oh, my God.
They've got us performing alongside the lamest acts in the world.
We're just here so those bored rich people can laugh at us.
But why would Mrs. Barrow include us in this?
It's because she's a horrible, horrible woman.
You're absolutely right.
Who knows when a flute sounds like crap.
That's not true.
All the boys in high school said I played the flute good,
and then I'd take off my shirt and...
You better get out of here.
No.
Absolutely not.
The people that are giving this party are cruel and vicious,
and they ought to be punished.
Why don't you play some flute for them?
That'll teach them.
Can I have...
Can I have everybody's attention just for one second, please?
Everybody, you...
The only reason that all of us are here
is so that they can laugh at us.
No.
Yes, it's true.
But you know what?
We don't have to take that.
We don't have to put up with that.
There's something that we can do.
We're gonna let them know
that they cannot buy our dignity for $500.
Right.
Yeah.
Can everybody come in now?
Now, you hold on just one minute,
because I know what's going on here.
You're not gonna get away with it,
inviting all of these poor souls back to your place
so you can humiliate us.
You're right.
I feel terrible.
I'll give you each a thousand.
Come on, Lori.
I'm not funny without you.
Hey, Norm.
Thanks for inviting me down here.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No problem.
All day long, I bitty-bitty-bitty-bitty-bitty.
Okay, now listen.
Shelly and I are starting a date,
and I wanted to ask your advice about it.
If a guy were planning to steal Shelly away,
what would be all the details of his plan?
Ugh.
I can't help you there, Norm.
With this guy as the competition,
all I gotta do is wait around
for him to do something stupid.
That's your plan?
To wait around until I do something stupid?
That's a plan?
Actually, that's not a bad p