Name: Norm Insults
Uploaded: 2022-07-01T05:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Insults' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-01. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Insults' from TickleMeNorm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-01. Transcript available. Be Sad Now #normmacdonald #norm.

- That's the very best guy.
- I will say, in all sincerity,
I know you don't like to hear these things,
emotions, you're like Nixon and .
- I'm like Nixon!
- But, but I will say,
I was watching last night, I saw speed skating,
and my goodness, you know,
could the outfits they wear be any tighter?
Holy Lord!
There was an East German woman, I swear,
you could see the outline of her entire penis.
- It was.
- This is Viagra, it's insane.
You know, it's for impotent people, right?
- It's for impotent guys, so get this,
I read this, the pill can make your cock hard for four hours.
- Right.
- So now, who has the four hour hard cock?
The impotent guys!
The rest of us are fucked!
Me and you, me and you got our regular cocks,
meanwhile, fuckin' spade is, you know, is.
And you, you're fur to spade.
You know.
Of course, that's a big story in here, in Washington,
is the, the recent marriage between NBC's Andrea Mitchell
and Alan Greenspan, who is 71 years old.
And this is sweet, you know, I didn't know this.
They wrote their own vows, you know.
She, she promised to love, honor, and speak into his good ear.
So that was, that was, that was, that was kind of sweet, you know.
And we'll see, it'll be fun.
Norm, thanks for dressing up!
- Hey Sarah, listen man, congratulations,
that's the hundredth time that joke's been done tonight.
But, I also want to tell you, I have a-
- I do like that he picked Kemp, I like Kemp.
- Oh yeah?
- Um, he had a strange thing, do you hear that quote he said?
He said, he's, he's closer to minorities than the other candidates,
'cause he says, he showered with a lot of black guys,
did you hear that?
- What?
- He says, 'cause he used to be on the Buffalo Bill.
- That's right, he was a football player.
Is that true, he said that?
- Yeah, he said that the other day.
He said he has a closer feel for the minorities,
'cause he's showered with so many black guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- But, you know, I don't know if that's,
well, how do you want to pick your president, right?
Showered with a lot of black guys?
- I don't know.
- I mean-
- You're picking Dawkins, you can do an impression.
- Yeah, right.
- You know, your reasons aren't much better.
- If I was gonna pick a guy,
just because he's showered with a lot of black guys,
I'd pick Andy, or somebody like that, you know?
- No!
People don't have to know that!
- Oh, I have an announcement to read.
I almost forgot, I was supposed to,
I was told to make this announcement.
Table 10, wherever you are, table 10.
We're sorry your waitress hasn't been there in a while.
Larry King just married her.
So...
- Do you have a hero?
- Norman Fowler from Three's Company.
- That's your hero?
- Yeah.
Mr. Roper, yeah.
- Mr. Roper?
- Yeah.
- That's not a good hero.
- That's all I got.
- Better than this guy's hero is some gay porn actor.
But anyway.
- What are you talking about?
What?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
- Boomer Esiason is with us.
Boomer.
How you doing, buddy?
Boomer, of course, replaced Frank Gifford
on Monday Night Football next season.
And Frank told reporters that this will allow him to spend
more time with his wife and children.
Then he broke down and cried for 45 minutes, so...
What the hell am I?
And here I am, you know, I look out,
I see President Bill Clinton, you know,
I see Secretary of State Madeleine Albright,
you know, media mogul Rupert Murdoch, you know,
broadcast legend Larry King, you know,
Pornographer Larry Flint, you know,
Dick Morris, the list is starting to drop off
a little, folks, but still, you get the idea.
It's daunting.
Well, there's all kinds of sports celebrities
in the audience tonight.
I see Tiger Woods right there.
Tiger Woods, how about that, huh?
He's up for, of course, he's up for Golfer of the Year,
this, this ESPYs.
And you know who I feel sorry for, folks,
is the other two guys nominated for Golfer of the Year.
You see these guys getting ready, you know,
it's like, hey, honey, have you seen my tuxedo?
No, no, not the good one.
The one I wear when I'm gonna get my ass kicked.
Have you seen that one?
We got a lot of power here, a lot of juice.
Mr. Ruhle-Arledge is here, of course,
the chairman of ABC News, you know,
and a lot of crazy stories coming out of that division,
you know?
You know?
Stories about this person sleeping with that person
and all that, you know?
Scandal after scandal.
If you heard the latest, I heard this just the other day.
There's a rumor that last week,
a certain, I don't want to say who it is,
a certain gentleman in ABC News,
he went to a party,
and he got really drunk,
and he ended up having sex with his own wife.
I don't know.
Thanks for nothing, Google.
What I wanted to show you is how easy it is
to watch yourself and other live streams
on your tablet device.
On the computer.
On the computer.
Yeah.
Go ahead and hit play there.
Okay, oh, I see it's so simple.
Do you see your face?
Oh, yeah, it's me with a huge fat fucking face.
Yeah, I didn't want to be the one to say it.
Yeah, I've been having a lot of trouble.
My doctor, he said, he's not a very nice guy,
he said, open your mouth and say oink.
Yeah, you need to get better insurance, Norm.
Insurance?
He was calling me a fat pig.
Well, I mean, nobody's going to disagree with him.
Oh, Kassam.
I'm sorry, Norm.
I've got an acid tongue.
You do, you're an acid-tongued Arab.
And there's Charles Woodson.
How about that?
Oh, what a season he had.
Great, Manny.
He became the first defensive player to win the Heisman Trophy.
And congratulations, Charles.
That is something that no one can ever take away from you.
Unless you kill your wife and a waiter.
In which case...
All bets are off now.
Yeah.
I love Lost.
Do you know what's Lost?
Do you know what's Lost?
Yeah, I'm obsessed with this show, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm still watching it.
I watch it, uh, I watch it on the, uh, on the...
Link?
No, the, yeah.
You got that working?
On the computer.
Uh-huh.
Where you can watch, like, one, you can watch them right after each other.
Right.
So you don't have, there's no cliffhanger, you know?
Yeah, I know about that.
You probably watched it a lot, six...
Do you think I'm 80?
No, I mean, you probably watched the show, though.
I did, I watched it during the...
So that must have been incredibly frustrating.
No, it wasn't.
Why would you say that?
Well, because, uh, because I couldn't wait, uh, 30 seconds to get into it on my
DVD.
Sometimes it's better to space things out, though, and discuss it with your
friends, have
a little talk about what happened, and then you wait, you have to wait a week,
and it's,
you know, it's delayed gratification.
Yeah, I guess, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what's fun about a book club.
But, uh...
We're joined by the talented trio called The Lonely Island.
Yeah.
Who will be on the...
What do you call them?
I call them Sandberg and the other couple of fellas.
The Mind Squad is how, is how Rolling Stone put it.
I, I got a, I got a heavy foot.
There's a real stream of consciousness thing happening here, Norm.
Yeah, it's called conversation.
All right.
Are you talking about Melrose Place?
No, 'cause I...
You're the biggest ass I ever met.
I'm not talking for it.
No, 'cause I swear to God, when I lived in LA, I lived on an actual street
called Melrose Place.
There's an actual street.
There's a Melrose?
Is there really a Melrose Place?
There's really a Melrose Place.
There is a Melrose Place.
You know this, right?
Yes, it's true.
So, they opened a restaurant called Melrose Place on it.
Uh-huh.
And then, it's right beside my house.
And every time I go out, there's all these retards, like tourists.
And then these tourist retards, like they're always fat and they're taking
pictures.
Standing in front of this restaurant.
Uh-huh.
Yeah?
You are making a movie with Carrot Top, right?
I made a movie with Carrot Top.
Okay.
You've made a movie with Carrot Top, but it's not out yet.
No, it's not out yet.
Can you put the picture up of Carrot Top again, just so we can all see him?
She just did it.
Oh, there it is, again, yeah.
There it is!
All right.
Okay.
Wait a minute, she left Melrose Place to do a movie with Carrot Top?
Carrot Top?
That's where I'm going, my friend.
He was great.
He did a wonderful job.
Do you have a scene where you and him embrace?
Yeah, lots of making out.
Oh, for God's sake.
Nothing but making out.
All right.
It's like nine and a half weeks, but Carrot Top.
We were going.
Wow!
I've got to check out that movie.
Is it called Nine and a Half Seconds?
But what's the movie going to be called?
I know what it's going to be called.
Yeah, what's that?
If it's got Carrot Top in it, you know what a good name for it would be?
What's that, Norm?
Box Office Poison.
I may have two.
She's in it.
What about my career?
Courtney Thorne-Smith.
Well, there's this two-hour season finale of Melrose Place.
There's this movie coming out.
Yes.
Title undetermined at this point.
Chairman of the board.
Oh.
Oh.
All right.
Do something with that, you freak.
I bet the board is spelled B-O-R-E-D.