Name: Man Calls With Breasts
Uploaded: 2018-06-16T17:29:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Man Calls With Breasts' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Man Calls With Breasts' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-16. Transcript available.

hey co i had a uh self-esteem question for you man so okay thanks for calling
oh and in middle
school i gained a whole bunch of weight i was a heavy boy uh i'm from the south
as well when when
i gained wow a lot of southerners today um thank you for calling you get you
gained some weight in
middle school let's go a lot of weight i developed uh breast oh boy dude i'll
tell you this story
you're making me think about this right now and i'm not i'm um i'm not trying
to interrupt you but i'm
going to i'm gonna interrupt you for a second man they had this big boy when i
was growing up
and dude he got them first he got them tots first you know and had one girl in
our school that had
them but she was uh you know her family was you know heavily with the lord and
their dad locked you
know they kept like all the kids locked up in the yard and about a year and a
half later i felt ended
up feeling her breath through the through a barbed wire fence you know catching
that tet you
know catching that tatae with my palm just palming down that freaking young i
don't even know if it
was a tit yet but it was gonna be a tit you know it was on a girl so and that
still counts and she
let me touch that warm lump and we were both children so that's totally legal
but i remember i used to go
sleep at my buddy's house because he got tits kind of first you know and he was
a bigger boy
but man i'd sleep over there dude and my dude i swear man my penis would get so
hard bro not at him
but at the tits and i would even put my hands like this because i so i wouldn't
see the rest of his body
i would just see the breasts you know because i wasn't thinking about men i was
just thinking about
tits you know and so i would just see it you know i would just make a little
kind of squint area
where i could see them big beautiful you know them just flash bulbs of straight
up
you know them straight up leche duffels you know them beautiful bags and that's
and i would love
that man and that's man i would just get so keyed up and fired up and i
remember i'd get so erect
sometimes as a child i'd pass out i'd be unconscious because i would get you
know because i'm thick in
that you know i i got that i'm that i got that strong you know i got um i got
it's not really a baby
arm i got it's like two baby's arms and his legs and he's standing straight up
with his arms and legs
like that you know just in a straight line i got that i got that capacity i got
that cockpacity
and so when that thing takes on the blood when it doesn't all call for that
blood and that hemoglobin
do when everything rushes into daddy's you know into that big into that ballast
tank the rest of me
kind of sometimes will just faint i used to get erect and faint a lot as a
child but i remember first
breast i ever saw on a beautiful thick boy in my neighborhood and a friend of
mine he was
and um and i'll say this man that there's nothing wrong with that let's hear
more man titty
they've been there ever since you know man titty okay you got the man they've
been there ever since
i'm 27 now uh i've lost a lot of weight uh even in the past in the past year i've
lost 40 pounds
wow congratulations man i can't even imagine that i can't even imagine the um
the stick-to-itiveness
it's taken to do that so i hope you feel a lot of pride in yourself man i hope
that
you know people say to me a lot theo you should take a moment and think of uh
you know where you were
before in certain aspects of your life can even be a couple weeks ago with an
attitude and where you
are now um but i hope you recognize that man that's a huge thing to lose 40
pounds and you must feel a lot
of pride let's hear more so uh the thing that was what was tough man is uh
the self-esteem is low man you take you know i'm going to the beach next
weekend with my family
the idea of taking my shirt off uh and being around the beach is terrible you
know i've been to the
beach before man and i've tried to like make light of the situation you know i've
kind of like told
jokes about like how uh how it's okay for me to take my shirt off because i'm a
male even though i
have titties bigger than you know half the females on the beach i'm just ah
yeah man well i'm kind of
feeling a little bit sorry that i was met you know i wasn't making fun earlier
but i was telling you a
story that kind of i guess correlated to maybe some of these those things might
have you know kind of
i don't know if i hope i hope that didn't bum you out at all because i really
enjoyed seeing that on
my friend but you know i can imagine what it was like for him and now i'm kind
of learning that
perspective uh let's hear some more just trying to figure out man like how can
i like embrace it
you know and uh surgery is an option but it's about you know yeah that surgery
i know it's about
five to seventy five hundred and then you also have to wear special shirts and
stuff
and then you have to take about two weeks off of work
all right man i you know i appreciate that call man it's brave to call about
that
you know
i mean if you're nervous you know i'll say a couple things one uh if you're
nervous about the surgery
you know obviously i'm sure you probably researched and talked to people and
you can find other people
that have had it i have a friend actually a comedian friend who was just
telling me the other day
that he had this same issue and then he ended up having the surgery and that
finally after years a
lot of that um inferiority and i don't know if that's shame but you know just
that nervousness has gone
away from him because obviously he's you know his body looks different now but
that that ran real
heavily with him for a while um yeah man that's that's tough because you want
to just have your shirt
off and just be at the beach and feel free you know you want to maybe even get
fully naked and have a
damn uh you know a you know a uh a turkey burger or a um little baby julius
burger what is that
thing called a sloppy joe not baby julius what am i thinking of who what and so
you want to have
you almost want to get fully naked and have a sloppy joe i'm trying to think of
i wish there was a
special shirt that was for a dope ass man that had some kind of little bit of a
light you know
kind of thicker in that you know them breasticles you know i wish they had a
man like you know that
could kind of you know like a man's ear you know just kind of something you
know even if under armor
made one or something you know so i don't know i mean i guess oh it's tough
dude because i know that
probably is tough for you yeah i mean i if i for me personally what i what
would i do i would probably
wear some type of under armor type of thing where i could still be athletic a
little bit and get some
sun but i would still be able to take care of that part of me where i didn't
you know if it's going to
make you so self-conscious that you're not going to be able to enjoy yourself
at all then maybe for
now i would still you know maybe wear a shirt because because here's the thing
you're going to the beach
you want to have fun you don't want to not be able to enjoy yourself so you
know for now i would do
what's you know what's going to make you feel okay and bring you the most joy
now say you go full
throttle you know when you got them a coops out there you know you got them you
know them lowercase a's
out there then i think have some fun you know have some fun i mean accept the
fact that you're probably
going to get some looks know that in advance and then maybe have some fun with
it now here's a fun
thing you could do you could get one of those tahitian type of things with the
coconut
bra things you know like fred flintstone wears because that's something that's
fun and it's uh
would still kind of you know cover up some of your nervousness so maybe that's
something fun that you
could do you know but um you know if it continues to bother you i don't think
there's any shame in
getting a surgical procedure if you can afford it i don't know how that works
with uh
with um with insurance or anything like that but you know what man let me i
want to know how that
beach goes and even if it doesn't go well i want to know that if you wouldn't
mind you know i'd love to
circle back with you and find out just kind of the truth if you can take me
through some more of that
you know because i know that that kind of stuff is tough man when we feel our
bodies are a certain way
man i've always hated like the slope of my shoulders um dude i've got a dude
ever since i was young it's
a little better a little different now but i had a real ds booty i had the same
butt buttocks and hips
that a lot of down syndrome men and women had and a lot of black girls we had
the same butt
and so i'd always get all these wild jokes and you know i'd feel nervous
everybody wanted me to twerk
all the time and shit and i'm like fuck you know so i feel you man it's tough
it's tough when we live
in this world that puts so much on how we look and uh and we're so self-aware
too and then we have this
you know something that really stands out i mean dude i wish i could wear a
brassiere over my nose
sometimes you know i gotta you know i gotta my nose is kind of a c cup so i got
that c cup
whiffer but thanks for calling man and for uh just for not thinking and not
feeling that stuff alone
if you go out to the beach hope you have a i hope you have a blast no matter
how you no matter how you
play it i hope you have a blast man thank you guys for checking out this clip
and if you want to see
another clip then you can look at this clip or this clip either one of these so
did you pick one or
he's still just watching me do this because this is alarming