Name: Theo on Santa getting ready for Chrismas
Uploaded: 2018-06-27T20:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo on Santa getting ready for Chrismas' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo on Santa getting ready for Chrismas' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-06-27. Transcript available.

Dude, it's halfway to Christmas. Can you believe it?
So if you're thinking right now, say if you're thinking about Santa, you know,
because I think about Santa a lot.
And if you're thinking about Santa, you have to understand that he is, he's
kind of just, oh, I'm going to turn my emails off.
He's kind of just waking up.
You know, he's kind of, because Santa can sleep through anything.
You know, he got a million little people, you know, personas pequeños, hammering
in his garage.
You know, they're building trains. They're building walkie-talkies.
They're building, some of them, you know, you build a couple hundred thousand
trains, some of y'all start to gram off and buy a little bit of dope.
So, you know, he's got all kinds of stuff to deal with.
You know, he goes outside and, you know, suddenly the place where they were
making wagons and they were, you know, they were knitting dolls.
Suddenly, you know, back behind that little building, people back there, they
got a little cookhouse.
And they, you know, they grilling up brisket and, you know, uppers, methamphetamines,
you know.
You know what I'm saying?
The fucking, the devil's vitamins, boy.
You know, then methamphetamines, son.
And so, you know that, that Santa right now, he's got work to do.
You know, because he's just stretching up.
Because when you do, when you, because when you ride all night like Santa,
nobody works as hard as Santa.
Think about it.
You know, Jesus, maybe.
You know, Muhammad, who's the little fat guy with the jewelry on.
Not, no, I know some of you guys are thinking probably of Pitbull.
No, I'm talking about the Indian, the deity, the Buddha.
So, yeah, you know, Santa's in a class of his own.
And they have, you know, and he, and so when you work that hard at once, one
fell swoop, you gotta, you have to get that rest.
And so, Santa, if you think about him right now in June, he's just, just waking
up.
You know, he just, he probably have birds living in his beard.
You know, and he probably has, you know, some of his mustache probably has a
little bit of dope smoke in it.
Because, you know, a lot of the, you know, a lot of the elves and shit, like I
said, you know, a lot of the elves, people don't realize.
When you, when you're caught up in that elf game, it's, it's like working for
the carnival.
It's like working for the circus.
And you get in that elf game and next thing you know, y'all are, you know, you
got, you guys are hanging out at night and it's boring.
It's cold.
You've been making fucking Tamagotchis all day, you know, or building kickballs
or building, you know, softball catcher mitts and things like that, you know,
toys for children.
You know, you've been building all types of things that, you know, sometimes
kids will get something for their parents, but the gift is a piece of shit,
right?
Because kids don't know what parents want, so they'll get them like a, um, like
a wooden bowl or something.
That's not, you know, that's nothing.
Or I remember one time, uh, they had a kid, one of our next door neighbors gave
his dad a fucking, um, a huge, like crate full of, uh, scallions, ditch onions.
And you could go in the ditch and get free, all the scallions you wanted.
Well, this boy had been collecting them for probably two months.
And then he fucking hit his dad on Christmas with this box of, uh, you know,
with this box of ditch onions.
And next, and that thing stank to high hell, man, dude, it smelled like the, I
mean, it just smelled like a, like a suppository of the devil.
You know, that thing smelled like it had just been hiding in the deep caves,
you know, and being naughty.
And, uh, and this boy gave it to his daddy, you know, this boy, Richard, that
lived in our neighborhood.
And, um, and actually, you know what the crazy thing was, his name was Mr.
Richard and he was a kid, but his dad, um,
his dad had, uh, his dad, his grandfather had died.
And the dad like missed the day, you know, his dad so much.
And he used to call his dad, Mr. Richard.
And so then he named his son, uh, after his own, um, dad, Mr. Richard.
So dude, this dude, you got a fucking, you know, 11 year old Mr. Richard, you
know, with that dirty box of fucking ditch onions.
And he hit his dad with that.
And that was a, you know, a Christmas gift.
So what I'm saying is, you know, you get a lot of these people who, you know,
you get a lot of crazy gifts that, that Santa's elves have to make.
And that, you know, that the story about, um, Mr. Richard and them onions doesn't
correlate super well.
Well, you know what I'm saying is that these elves have to make shit that they
don't even want to make.
They got to make all the gifts that kids give to their dad, you know, so now
you might give your dad, um, you know, a, a roller skate made out of cotton.
And your next thing, you know, your, your dad or your stepdad's out there and
he fucking, you know, breaks his ankle.
And so it's like, but still, you know, who makes all of that is elves.
And so these we got, you know, and it becomes like the carnival, you know, they're
carnies, dude.
That's how elves are, bro.
They're a bunch of Jesus birthday carnies.
And so they're out there like that and they got to build all these wild things.
And so when Santa wakes up, he's got a lot of house cleaning to do, you know,
and this would honestly be a crazy good time for a zip recruiter ad, wouldn't
it?
But I don't have one.
That was just, that's just a fucking good joke though.
Because imagine if Santa had that, but he doesn't.
So he's got to go out there and look all these elves in the eyes.
And so Santa got to get out there and look all these elves in their fucking
eyes.
And some of their eyes are all glassed over and they're all doped up and they're
hiding, you know, grams and, you know, kilograms of dope in their jaw and all
that kind of shit.
But when you're an elf, you could do, you can really get bent out.
Because imagine a couple hits of ass, it'll do to a six footer.
You're an elf?
Bro, when you are an elf, man, and then, you know, and the ankle bones
connected to the neck bone and you do a couple hits of LSD, son.
You're going deep.
You're going deep.
Boy, you're Randy Mawson, you feel me?
And so just know that when Santa, that Santa right now is waking up and he
knows that he still has a lot of work to do.
And I think that's kind of just what I'm thinking about right now is, you know,
it's just, I got a lot of work to do.
We got a lot of work to do.
You know, if we want, if we want it, you know, if we want it, whatever it is,
if it's that family, you know, if you want a new puppy, if you want a fucking,
you know, you want a new shower curtain or a new, what is that thing called?
A thing where you, you know, push your clothes down in a bunch of, you know, in
one spot at a time.
But iron, he, you know, ironer, iron, an iron, you know, if you want to, you
know, whatever you want, you know, if you want a new job, you want a new family,
you want the courage to tell somebody the truth, whatever you want.
We still got work to do if we want to get there.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip.
And if you want to see another clip, then you can look at this clip or this
clip, either one of these.
So did you pick one or are you still just watching me do this?
Because this is alarming.