Name: Get Your Lady Some Carp
Uploaded: 2018-07-14T19:15:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Get Your Lady Some Carp' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Get Your Lady Some Carp' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-07-14. Transcript available.

All right, let's hear another call that came in.
Onward.
Hey, Theo, this is Tim from Philadelphia.
I've got a quick question.
Okay, Tim.
What's the deal with all-you-can-eat wings, man?
I went to the bar the other day, me and my ladies,
and I wasn't sure if we should order one all-you-can-eat wings,
if we were allowed to share them,
or if that's a violation, we're going to get kicked out.
So we ordered two, and we didn't eat enough.
But I wanted more to go, and I only had two left.
Look, dude, here's the thing.
If you got that, you know, that Bonnie and Clyde-type lady,
you know, if you got that little daredevil bad bitch,
and she don't mind, you know, getting that $21.99,
and, you know, she got to sit down and pretend like she ain't having any wings,
even though she having them.
I used to love that shit, dude, when you would split something,
some one person would get it, and you would just sit by them.
You don't think the fucking boss knew?
Oh, you're the weird dude who just sits in a restaurant with somebody?
And doesn't eat, but also has food and crumbs all over their shirt?
You're busted, man.
I remember our mom would take us to this pizza place that had a buffet,
and they had all you could get, fresh olives on there.
They had probably, they had like an olive bar, had three types of olives,
which was a lot.
I mean, this was in the late 90s, so that was a lot of olives, you know?
And we would get one plate and all walk and hold it at the same time.
Like, that fucking mattered, dude.
Four kids holding one plate.
Like, it's like an Olympic torch.
Trying to pretend like since we all had our hand on it,
that we got the deal, that it was all you could eat.
Nothing shadier than that, boy.
That's growing up real right there.
You hiding, man.
Eating real fast.
You're like the James Bond of digestion.
You know, you wait real quick, and then look, you know,
as soon as a manager looks away or a phone call comes in,
you fucking, you know, you tooth down a couple of hits or something.
Gang.
So I look, man, I think if you're going to take,
here's the thing, if you take your lady to a wing place,
first of all, that's kind of shady, bro.
Take your lady to a nicer place where they got a little bit of fish.
You know what I'm saying?
Buy that bitch a fish dinner.
Buy your lady a fish dinner.
Because some ladies want a fish.
They want that carp.
They want that jaw full of carp, you know.
They want to, you know, they want to fall asleep at night
and have a little bit of mercury in the back of their tongue.
Women like precious metals.
So don't take your lady, you know, for a damn couple of hot chicken wings.
She's had two of them.
Now her eyes are watering.
Her makeup's running.
She looks like a raccoon that got into a fight and it was just starting to rain.
Come on, man.
Take your lady, buy her that fish dinner.
Buy your fish dinner.
You know what I'm saying?
Carp.
Fucking scallop.
Mollusk.
Sea mollusk.
Ahi ahi.
Get your lady what she deserves, dude.
Something that used to swim and be free.
You out there buying that bitch a small ass wing with some fucking mustard on
it.
Come on.
Treat her right.
Buy your lady something that had a hook in it.
Because women like that fish dinner.
Women like precious metals.
You know, they want jewelry, gold, diamonds, ore, you know, shined up ore, coppers.
You know, at least with fish dinner, a woman falls asleep at night with a
little bit of mercury on her tongue.
A little bit of that murk, murk taste in her mouth.
Make sure at least feel some time in her subconscious like somebody bought her
a piece of jewelry.
So keep your lady off the wings and buy damn edge of fish dinner.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip.
And if you want to see another clip, then you can look at this clip or this
clip.
Either one of these.
So did you pick one or are you still just watching me do this?
Because this is alarming.