Name: Theo's Fears and Excitement about Marriage
Uploaded: 2018-08-07T16:06:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo's Fears and Excitement about Marriage' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo's Fears and Excitement about Marriage' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-07. Transcript available.

But here's some of my fears, man.
I was thinking about it.
You know, marriage scares me, you know, because you got to stay there.
You know, it's like being in an elevator and the elevator breaks and you're in
there with somebody and you're like, fuck, you got to stay there until it gets
fixed.
You know, and that's how sometimes that's just a fear I have.
I'm not saying that's what marriage is like, but it's a fear that I have.
You know, it's just a fear of lack of, you know, probably just having to just
commit and be and just get through the tough times.
And, you know, it's just a fear that I have.
You know, and also I think there's a fear of, I think every man probably has a
fear of not being able to, you know, finagle with another woman or touch
another woman's crotch.
Or, you know, just those sex thoughts that come in, come into your brain.
You know, touch some woman's, you know, butthole or something down in like Aruba
or somewhere in some fancy location.
You know, those are the things you have in your head.
Like in my head, it's like, oh man, I don't get married.
So, you know, what if I run into some hot chick, you know, over at the, you
know, down in Pensacola and she wants me to touch her butthole for a second.
Well, the truth is that's probably not going to happen.
But there's some weird thing inside of my head or inside of men's heads
sometimes that it just, it puts this weird outlier out there in our thoughts.
And then we just, you know, it's, it's not even, you know, and then we don't
act on the good possibilities in front of us because we have these weird things
that we think might happen that probably never will.
And even if it does, what the fuck, I'm just touching some of the, some lady's
butt in Florida for a minute.
And then what?
Then I'm lonely.
Then I'm still sitting out at the beach or trying to get an Uber or something
and I'm just back to being lonely.
But those are some, you know, some fears that I wrote.
What else did I have?
Oh, what if I fuck up in a, in a relationship or in a marriage and I cheat or I
stray or I, you know, do porn, look at pornography, you know, and that's part
of my marital.
You know, agreement.
And so that's scary to me because it's like, you know, you make this agreement,
you make this commitment, you want, you know, you want to be able to honor it
and you want them to honor it.
You know, so that's, these are just my fears.
I'm trying to go through my fears.
Oh, sharing a bathroom.
That's a fear I have about getting married.
Dude, I haven't shared a bathroom since college, bro.
Honestly.
And that was hell.
You know, that was hell, man.
And I just, that's my biggest fear is coming home and seeing some, you know, a
couple, couple straight turds or something in the toilet and they ain't mine.
Man, that shit makes me scared, bro.
You know, and that may seem crazy, but that shit makes me scared, dude.
I don't want to see somebody else's straight up turds and I don't want somebody
to see my turds.
You know, I don't know.
That sounds crazy, bro.
That might sound stupid, but I just, that makes me scared, man.
If I see somebody else's turds, bro, I might be out.
I don't want to see somebody else's turds and I don't want to see my turds and
I don't want to see my turds and I don't want to see my turds and I'm just
saying these are some of my just weird fears that I have.
And then I think one of my biggest fears is probably just that, you know, that
I don't want to create probably the same, you know, like create a childhood for
a child that's similar to my childhood.
You know, that I guess I would fear that I create like a shitty childhood for a
kid.
And I think that maybe that's, sometimes I can't access that fear as much, but
I definitely think about that.
And I definitely think about that as being, you know, probably something inside
of me that, you know, probably scares me a lot.
And now some shitty childhood is good.
You know, I think, I just don't want to, I wouldn't want to create a childhood
where a kid feels unloved.
Because shitty, look, I don't care if that kid, you know, if he's got two tank
tops in the winter, son, gang, gang, bro, that's how you're living.
You know, if he may, if we eating macaroni 361 days a year, boy.
Then that's what we eat.
That's okay.
I don't care if we have, you know, this struggle, but I don't want, you know,
just to fuck up somehow and create an environment where a kid feels unloved.
So I think that those are some of my fears.
Now, some of my excitements, I was thinking about this, some of my excitements
when it comes to, you know, marriage and relationship would be coming home and
having a loving family in the house.
You know, and coming home and having like a loving family, you know, that I'm
welcome to be a part of, you know, and it's not like you come in and you start
hugging people and people are like, who the fuck are you?
You know, like you're somebody that broke into somebody's house.
It's like a family that's your own family and they care about you and
everything and you're allowed to come inside and love them.
So that's, uh, that's some excitement.
Um, also I was talking to some friends about this this week, you know, and I
was, and one of my buddies was saying, you know, don't future trip, you know,
try not to future trip.
Cause sometimes when I think about those sorts of things, I put up, uh, you
know, I stack everything into the equation.
Like, okay, you know, I got, you know, like if I, you know, first, uh, you know,
I get married and then it's not, you know, like, then I start thinking, well,
what if, you know, now I got a family, now I got a house.
And, uh, you know, what if there's a divorce and what if there's, and next
thing you know, I'm, it's 40 years later and I'm out on like a catamaran living
in a fucking, you know, a marina or something.
Cause it's all I got left.
Cause all my money's with the wife and the children, you know, and, and, and
then it's just this crazy, you know, I'm out there looking for, you know, maybe
researching, looking for treasure and this stupid shit, you know, buying metal
detectors and stuff.
And the truth is that, you know, none, not even the first thing has happened,
but already I've taken myself out of, you know, possibly doing something
because I'm future tripping so much.
And that's something that's gonna, you know, that, that I noticed sometime that
I'll do.
And another, another thing about, um, another thing I was thinking about is, uh,
and another thing I was thinking about is when it comes to finding somebody is
just, you know, try not to be too picky.
You know, I start to notice that with my friends.
We have so much access and everything to, you know, to other people and, and,
and so much, you know, uh, and when you have access to other people and you see
so many other people and how other people look and everything with so much
advertisement and, and magazines and videos and everything, you're more likely
to compare kind of what's in front of you to all these other sensationalized
and heightened things.
And we just gotta, you know, I know that I, I know that I gotta be careful
about that kind of stuff because the truth is if that, if I'm judging somebody
on, you know, something little, dude, I'm, trust me, I know I'm showing up with
nine little things.
Nobody got more little things wrong with them than me.
So those are some things I guess that I've been thinking about when it comes to
like, you know, marriages and relationships.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip.
And if you want to see another clip, then you can look at this clip or this
clip, either one of these.
So did you pick one or are you still just watching me do this?
Cause this is alarming.