Name: Nikki Glaser Gives Advice to the Female Audience
Uploaded: 2018-08-14T18:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser Gives Advice to the Female Audience' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nikki Glaser Gives Advice to the Female Audience' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-14. Transcript available.

If any women are watching, there is a sex toy called the Womanizer, which is
the worst name, but it sucks on your clitoris.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't put it in you, it just, you put it over your clit and it has like a
little like hole in, yes, that's it.
That's a party ball, huh?
You put that little opening over your clit, that's it, that's the exact one I
have, but it's blue.
And then you press the top button and it starts sucking and then you press the
bottom button to like up the suction.
And it's, if you've never squirted before, which I hadn't, get one of these and
you will.
Oh my God.
Not every time, but it's, this thing is a game changer.
And it's taught me that if I ever eat pussy.
If you can't squirt, you can at least gleek a bat out of your vagina.
Oh dude.
Yeah, exactly.
That's.
How far though?
You can't water a plant or anything, can you?
No, I, the times that I've squirted, like I've, I've squirted twice.
It was more of like a spill.
Yeah.
Like it's just all of a sudden you're like, oh, what the hell?
Oh wow.
The government's going to have to clean this up.
You know, a lot of fucking people are going to fucking fill out insurance
claims, but it's
bullshit.
Someone call FEMA.
Like how much?
Like enough to like dampen a small burger, like enough to ruin a small burger.
Like how much are we talking?
God damn it, Theo.
That is exactly the right amount.
It is, I would say half a juice box for me.
Yeah.
Which is enough to dampen a burger for sure.
What is this reaction?
Oh, I got mixed reactions about it.
Nick, these keep popping.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
It's not your fault, but you're not hearing it.
It might just be the headphones here.
Yeah, I'm not hearing it.
Okay, good.
As long as it's not peeking in that.
Yeah, man.
I got some, the squirting thing is like, it's a, you know, it's a, I'm trying
to liken
it to something.
It's like, it's just wild, man.
It's a wild, like I, like this one girl I knew, like she, there was so much squirting
sometimes.
Like I would like check to see if she was okay.
Like it was like, I was like, it was almost biblical, you know, a couple of
chapters of
it.
It was just like, this is, you know, I felt bad.
Like the cat would come around because he thought I'd cut the faucet on, like
just kind
of like crazy shit, dude.
And you had to change all the shit, like at a certain point, you're like, Jesus
Christ.
I'm sorry, if you're a squirter and you know that you are, warn the guy, put a
towel down.
Yes.
Like it's like having period sex, like plan, you know what's going to happen.
I will say that sometimes girls squirt and they're like, I didn't, what is it?
Like that's the first time.
And then don't, don't make them feel bad about that.
But a girl should not ruin your mattress.
Yes.
Like the last time I squirted, which is the second time I've ever squirted,
which I've
in five years of my life from the first time and the second time, I didn't see
it coming.
Right.
Like I wasn't like, I'm going to squirt right now.
And then all of a sudden I was like, I would have picked a different position
on my bed.
I would have put down a towel.
Like it's a nuisance because then there's a wet spot.
But yeah, so that thing was laying out back to the hookup situation.
So that thing's laying out that little fucking urchin.
That thing looks like it has an ulterior motive, dude.
This device has taught me that if I ever eat pussy, which I don't like, I don't,
I think
I'll, I probably will at some point in my life.
Yeah.
You're about probably six months away from it.
I see right now.
I, um...
You know, I can definitely get that idea.
Yeah.
Okay.
So this is what I've learned is that you don't like, licking is fine, but like
you gotta suck
that clit.
That's what brothers do.
And a lot of black dudes get down there and they will.
Well, they're doing it right.
Oh yeah.
No, they're doing it right.
Latch onto that thing like a barnacle on an old boat.
Literally don't let go.
Say what to nao.
Suck that clit.
I swear to God, it is, that is, that's the game changing move.
I, I, I would never have known it had I not gotten this device and I have a
vagina.
I would have never known like suck on your clit.
That seems weird, but that's wild.
It's, I'm telling you the next time you go down on a girl, suck her clit and
like you
will get orgasms out of her that she didn't even know she was going to blow up.
You can just suck directly on it, full suck the whole time?
Not the whole time, but like just, here's the thing, and this is going to get
kind of
gross, but we're already there.
And it's not even gross.
This is biology.
Women's...
Well, let's keep it, yeah, let's make it so it doesn't get too gross.
No, I know.
Women's clitorises are penises that aren't fully formed.
So when you're in, in utero or whatever, your body makes...
And some of them are trying to form, dude.
One girl, I remember, like thumb wrestling down there.
I mean, this thing was really...
Sometimes girls have huge clits because...
I was 0 and 2 against this thing when I was trying to touch this lady's vagina,
dude.
This clitoris definitely seemed like it fucking could have worn, you know, part
of a mitten.
This thing was grande, you know?
Yeah, because she probably has more testosterone in her system.
Oh, she was Title IX, definitely, you know.
She had that fucking Title IX pussy.
You know what I'm saying.
But yes.
So the whole theory is that...
Because I want to learn this.
So you're...
So clits are just dicks, right?
They're little bitty dicks that are in hiding.
Yeah, so treat her clit like you would a tiny, tiny penis.
If you had a tiny penis, how you would want a girl to suck your dick.
So that is exactly...
That's it.
Wow.
So that should change everyone's style if you're not already doing something
like that.
Like, you really need to focus on suction as opposed to licking and whatever
that is.
And I'm a girl that requires a lot of pressure down there.
Like, anytime a guy has ever, like, fingered me, like, outside my...
Like, I'm always like, you need to go harder.
You need to go harder.
Like, I can't...
It's, like, deep within...
Yeah.
And I've had guys be like, does that hurt?
And I'm like, I can't even feel it.
I can't even feel it, guy.
And then this device was recommended to me by a doctor that I talked to on my
show.
I had a show about sex.
And I was telling her, it takes so much pressure for me to have an orgasm.
And she was like, you need the womanizer.
Wow.
And this was the toy.
So, that was laying out.
And is it made in China?
Do you know what country it's made in?
Maybe Honduras?
A lot of these...
A lot of the real good ones are made in Honduras.
Yeah.
What?
And you kind of want that, I think, as a lady.
You want something from fucking South America.
I know I do.
You know?
I want to go down there and...
Because that Chinese thing will just beat the hell out of your vagina.
Oh, that's kind of what I want, too.
Oh, yeah, but...
I want one that malfunctions and, like, doesn't let me have a choice.
Because that's my problem with masturbation, Theo, is that I like to be
dominated and be
like, oh, you think...
Because whenever I masturbate, I always get to a point that it's like, it feels
great,
but then it almost starts to feel like you're...
You know when someone tickles you and you're like, oh, this is fun?
And then you're like, no, no, no.
But that's like, if they keep tickling you, it almost...
You might die.
Your heart might stop.
Yeah, but it's also very exciting.
I always feel like when I'm about to have an orgasm, it's almost like that
feeling of
like, no, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
Like, it's too much feeling.
And when I'm masturbating, I can just stop because I'm in control.
And I need sometimes to persevere past that to have an orgasm.
Oh, wow.
So I feel like my problem with masturbation is that I'll give up too soon
because I'm like,
it's a little bit uncomfortable and I feel like, it's too much.
I don't want to come.
And then I have control.
And so then it's not as fun.
And that's been my...
So I would love a device to malfunction and be like, bitch, you don't have a
choice.
Right.
We're latching on.
Yeah, you want a device to fucking show up and not pay your mortgage and just
fuck you
against the wall.
Yes.
So you can't even see.
Yes.
And then you're blind.
Yes.
Just wandering around.
No mortgage.
In my hotel room with my flies.
Yeah, but you are dealt.
But you have been dealt with.
Yes.
What's up, guys?
Sitting here with this marijuana plant.
I think also could be just a regular plant.
Could be poison ivy, bro.
I'm about to smoke myself in some itchy, itchy.
Just watch another clip since you're already here.
You know what I'm saying?