Name: What Did Theo Von Do As a Teenager?
Uploaded: 2018-08-23T04:43:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What Did Theo Von Do As a Teenager?' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What Did Theo Von Do As a Teenager?' from Theo Von Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-08-23. Transcript available.

All right, I got some other calls that popped in, and I want to hear some of
them, man.
I haven't heard any of them.
Let's go.
Hey, what's up, Dio?
This is John.
I'm calling right now from middle of nowhere, Louisiana.
Oh, man.
Well, thanks for calling, man.
Pick up a hitchhiker, dude.
Take your chances.
You know what I'm saying?
Pick up a hitchhiker, bruh.
Roadside roulette.
I'm on a road trip right now from Jacksonville, Florida, to Dallas, Texas, just
headed back to school.
And driving through the back roads of Louisiana made me think of a question for
you.
What kind of stuff did you guys do growing up in high school for fun?
Like, there was this kid on American Idol.
I don't know if you've seen him.
If you haven't, you should check him out.
He's awesome.
Named Lane Hardy.
He's from Louisiana.
And when Luke Bryan asked what kind of stuff he did for fun, he said,
Oh, I'd just like to drive my truck around.
And then Katy Perry asked him, Oh, what are you doing driving your truck around?
He said, Oh, I'd just like to burn gas.
So I just want to ask if that's the kind of stuff you guys did.
Just drive your truck around, burn gas.
Let me think about that.
That's a good question.
What do we do?
I think, you know, I mean, we did drugs.
Because I remember at some point, we did some good drugs and bad drugs, too.
You know, I grew up in the bad LS and the bad acid belt.
And a lot of bad acid would come through our area.
Then I remember one time we got real high on some acid and cooked a pizza in a
dryer.
And it took about four cycles to do on permanent press to do a medium.
And it comes out as a calzone.
You put it in as a pizza and it comes out more as like a calzone or just like a
hot kind of ball of Italian.
What else did we do?
That's a good question.
What did I do?
Well, I used to walk a lot, you know, because I didn't.
There was something weird.
Before I got a car, I didn't want to be seen.
There's an age where you don't want to be seen on a bicycle.
Like a bicycle is too much for children.
And you don't have a car yet.
So you walk.
So I would walk a lot, you know.
So I walked five, six miles to get somewhere to do something, you know.
Go to the arcade or something.
And what else did we do?
Ride around.
You know, I used to get a bicycle.
And by get a bicycle, I just mean steal one out of somebody's yard.
And sometimes it could be anybody's bicycle.
I'd take that sucker.
And I'd bike over to my girl's house.
I had this little, you know, beautiful little white girl I was seeing.
And she was, you know, that Rubenesque little bad girl, you know.
And we'd go over there.
And I'd sneak up in her room.
And they had a cat.
They had this gray cat.
I had to sneak past this little motherfucker, bruh.
And he was always trying to start something with me.
You know, like we had met in a previous life.
And I'd done something wrong to him.
You know, like maybe like a couple hundred years ago, he'd been, you know, was
eating a piece of fish or something by a river.
And I came up and stole that carp out of his hand.
And so, you know, now he's out here.
He's trying to get back at me.
So whenever I go into this girl's house, I sneak in through the laundry room.
They had a door to the outside.
You go in the laundry room and come into the kitchen.
Well, that cat, this little gray hitter, he would hide in there.
They had all these towels and, you know, dryer sheets and stacks of all kind of
stuff or whatever in the laundry room.
So, and it was pitch black.
And I couldn't cut the light on because you were worried, you know, you don't
want light going out under the door, into the kitchen.
What if the mom's walking down the hall or whatever?
You know, I couldn't have the family see that I was sneaking in.
So, I'd get in that laundry room.
And, dude, it was like, the laundry room was about nine or ten feet long from
one door to the next door.
And it was just a gauntlet, bro.
And every time, like clockwork, that little gray motherfucker come flying off
of one of the top ropes like Jimmy Superfly Snooker and just do that four-leg
drop on me.
Yeah.
I mean, just.
And then it was on, boy.
It was on.
And you couldn't even see us.
It was just this dark fiasco.
And then, you know, I'd make it up to her room.
And then the cool thing was, so then I'd get into the kitchen, finally get away
from that little, you know, that little deal.
And then I'd have to sneak up to her room.
And the stairs went over her parents' bedroom.
So, you had to, like, real stuff.
Step on the sides of the stairs.
That was a trick.
Don't step out in the middle of the fucking stairs like somebody that never
broke into anybody's house before.
Step on the side of them steps, you know.
So, it's where the wood is strong.
And so, it doesn't make any sound.
You'd get up to the top and then go sneak in the old girl's bed.
And we'd lay in there.
And, dude, that's when you were.
Oh, man.
That's back when you were young.
Love, as a teenager, everything was strong, bro.
Your whole body was just all just caught up with hormones.
You know, and them hormones were just fucking.
Bro, your eyebrows would just.
Dude, my eyebrows used to do slaps around my eyes, bro.
You could see my eyebrow just literally doing circles around my eyes.
I was so just horny.
You know, I would just be so horny.
Just so horny.
That my eyebrows would be.
Dude, they'd run off behind my ears, dude.
Do all kind of shit.
You know, my eyebrows were running.
They'd run chasing each other around behind my back like a couple of squirrels,
bro.
You know, squirrels do it different sides of the tree.
They'd be like that, man.
I'd be so horny, bro.
That my eyebrows would just run right off my fucking face, dude.
That's how horny I'd be.
My eyebrows would just run right off my face.
And just, just like squirrels chasing each other around my body.
And I'd lay in there and make out with my girl, you know.
I mean, that's what I did as a teenager.
Outside of that, what do we do?
Man, it's funny.
I'm going to have to think about what happened.
I don't know.
It's a great question.
I think my brain's also just a little bit fried today.
But thank you for taking some of the back roads.
And thanks for calling in, man.
I do appreciate you being a part of this past weekend.
And it's funny, as you're doing that, I can just imagine you driving through my
state.
Thank you guys for checking out this clip.
And if you want to see another clip, then you can look at this clip or this
clip.
Either one of these.
So, did you pick one or are you still just watching me do this?
Because this is alarming.